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I will reply to your message in a bit (at work currently) but I just posted this:I read this post of yours last night before going to bed (it's 9:45 am, Tuesday, here).
Like we use to say here, it seems we are on the same boat.
I have lost my two cats in less than 18 months, the last one 6 months ago. I had spent 18 years of my life with them, they were part of me and I think I devoted beyond imagination to their well-being, but they're both gone due to some diseases, and if they're gone this means I hadn't devoted to them enough to have them live more than their time.
In the beginning I had poor information on how to raise a kitten. Internet was at its beginning when I had them, it's a miracle that Lola (my avatar cat) managed to survive to my clumsy attentions when she was just 10-12 days old.
Only when they were around 6-7 years old I started reading more about the way I should have taken care of them. Then I started reading about diseases and their symptoms, the cures, treatments, medicines, and so on.
I was their guardian constantly, I had them thoroughly checked at least three times a year. I fed them the best food for their age and conditions, I did what I thought it was the best for them, every single day. They were my priority, always, since the first minute in the morning to the last minute in the night.
But all this effort and devotion didn't save them, and they died to cancer and to a disease never fully understood.
My home is void and cold, now, it's silent and without a meaning.
I had been thinking to have another kitten and give it a good life, but when I look back at my failures I feel I am not the right person to have a cat.
What if this new cat is sick? Would I be able to take care of it as I am supposed to? Or wolud I clumsily sentence it to death?
Am I ready to take the responsibility for a new life?
I had already been given two lives to take care of, and I proved I wasn't good enough. I always took them to the vets when they were showing the least symptom, but it served no good. I think I picked the wrong vets, anyway it was still my fault.
Would I be ready to carry the burden of the sense of guilt if something else happens to a new kitty? Probably I wouldn't.
I'm still grieving my two cats, and still beating myself for not being a better parent.
So, this said, I fully understand and endorse your feeling and point of view.
Take care!
Cancer Causing Cat Litter?
Apparently even our cat litter could be causing cancer.. what the HECK. Can I not do anything right? Or is there just nothing that can be done right.