One week ago, at this time, Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge and left me in my deep desperation.
She was nearly 17 yo, it should have been 17 if she had lived to May 15th.
She was diagnosed with an oral squamous carcinoma in last October, I had found something strange in her mouth around September 20th, but the vets on that same day told me that it was just an inflammation in her mouth and that I was unnecessarily worried. Unfortunately my fears were right and they were wrong.
Lola was just successfully coming out from a heavy surgery for removing an adrenal gland that had gone crazy a few months before and was causing her a tremendous disease that could have taken her to death. We were still celebrating this success when we had this hard and terrible news.
After discovering the oral carcinoma Lola underwent a long course of chemotherapy and a week of radiation therapy. At first these two things seemed to be working fine, the mass was reducing. But I knew it coudn't be a long-lasting happiness and as weeks went by things went up and down weekly and I was on a roller coaster every single day. I would wake up to a happy and lively Lola and later in the day she was feeling bad, or the other way round. Or she could have two or three bad days and then she was happy and full of life for two or three weeks.
More than once since December it seemed to me that her time was over and I tried to get ready to her last day with me, but everytime she would bounce back to a lively and happy life.
Things started going very bad when in mid-February her tongue went necrotic and the vet had to remove half of it. Lola was left with only the rear half of her tongue, she wasn't able to drink or eat on her own anymore. I had to be her tongue, I had to have her drink with a syringe as many times a day as possible, I had to syringe feed her too at least three times a day and give her at least her minimum calories requirement for the day, and not always I was able to, because she would feel sick and didn't want to eat.
The necrosis wasn't stopping and was slowly eroding her tongue tissues. She was fine, lively, alert and happy. She would keep exploring the house, following me around, scratching her post, purring at me and curling up on my lap. She also would take a walk in the courtyard when the weather allowed her to. She was doing exactly the same things that she used to do, except eating and drinking.
Well, sometimes she would visit her water bowl and try to drink, but rather than licking the water surface she would bite and chew the water.
The tumor was growing again, I could see it, I could feel it. Her tongue was shorter and shorter by the day because of the erosion. On a morning I realised that she wasn't able to swallow her syringed food any longer, she was in difficulty. Was it too a short tongue or something in her throat?
I got in touch with the vets to see whether an E-tube was a valid option and they agreed. Lola was lively and wasn't showing any other symptoms or distress, so it would have been unfair to starve her.
Lola underwent this surgery as well, it was Tuesday, March 28th. During the surgery things went slightly wrong, I was warned of it prior to the operation. They thought they were going to lose her on the operating table, but later on Lola recovered to nearly full energy and 24 hours later she was able to be discharged. We came back home and had to follow a new normality, the food had to be sent down that tube in her neck.
We weren't new to this way of feeding, Lola had a PEG (a stomach tube) placed during the radiation therapy to allow her to be fed even with the burnings of the radiations. But after four weeks that tube came off on its own, luckily enough Lola proved to be able to eat on her own again.
The experience with the E-tube was shortly lived, I was able to feed Lola this way only three times. On Thursday, March 30th, as usual I came back home from work during my lunch break to give Lola her midday meal. She had thrown up all her morning meal while I was away, she wasn't in a good condition, but she tried to walk and climb to the window sill to bask in the sun.
She has always been feeling cold, since she was much younger. She always loved to stay in the sun or next to a warmth source. I gave Lola her meal, but she threw it up after a few minutes and started feeling weak and tired. She fell on her side, I felt it was time... I had been preparing myself to this for weeks, but I wasn't ready yet. You are never ready for such a thing!
I called my wife at work but she wasn't able to be home soon, so while I was waiting for her I spent my last hours with Lola and talked to her to let her know that she had been my great love, my pride, my life. I told her I would never forget her and not to be afraid of what was going to happen, not to be afraid to be parted from me because I will be with her again very soon.
Lola was very weak, but she also wanted to walk around and go outside and lay in the sun.
My wife arrived, she agreed that it was time to let her go. We called the vet who arrived one hour later. I had four hours in all with her before he arrived.
A last greet, a last kiss, a last cuddle and the last promise we will meet soon, then Lola slowly fell asleep and after a few seconds she was at the Bridge.
Lola was cremated two days later in a private cremation, I have had her ashes in little urn that I have stored along with other 4 of them.
My desperation is total. Lola had been sick so often in the past months, and she had been hospitalised several times, she hadn't been home for a total of 40 days in the last 11 months. It seems to me that she's just away for a therapy and she'll be soon home again.
I keep seeing her in many of her favourite spots. Sometimes I look for her when I don't see her in her bed. One night I woke up and I thought I didn't give Lola the meds she needed before going to bed, then I realised that no more meds were needed.
When I close my eyes I see her last few hours with me, waiting for the end, I cannot believe it is true.
My daily routine has been upset. My routine, for many years, since her first nose cancer in 2011, was up from bed at 6 am, getting myself sorted, starting with her morning therapies, a nebulizer session to clean her nose, cleaning the place where Lola had slept, washing the bowls, scooping her litter tray, warming up her wet food, feeding her, making sure that she was alright and finally going out to work without having breakfast because I had no time for it. At my luch break I used to come back home, check on her and her feline friend Pallina, give her the meds if needed, clean her nose and go back to work without eating anything because my time was over. After work I would rush home, see if everything was fine, clean her nose, scoop the litter tray, spent some quality time with Lola until my dinner was ready, watch the TV together, clean her nose and go to bed. Every second or third day was a sub-q day.
Now I have so much spare time, I feel overwhelmed by the spare time, I still can't understand why I have so much spare time and can't figure it out how to use it.
I was used to have no time for me, I would have done the same things for my whole life, I was doing them out of love for Lola.
I devoted my whole life to her, she was my first thought in the morning, almost the only one during the day, the last one before sleeping at night. And I am sure I was her only thought. She was with me always, at my feet when I was around the house, on my lap when I was at the table or on the couch to watch the TV, outside the bathroom door crying to call me out. We had our way of communicating, Lola was very talkative, I could ask her questions and get a proper answer. She always let me know what she needed. I was her only point of interest in her world and life. She wanted me next to her when she was eating. she let me do any kind of therapy to her. I could give her injections, pills, tablets, drops, nebulizing and much more without complaining. She let me kiss her on her mouth and I could walk her on the street on her leash.
When I lost my Tom in September 2013 I felt I had to do something to honour him. He was such a generous cat, he would give love to everybody and would offer his own food to the feral cats that happened to walk across our courtyard. In memory of his generousity I subscribed to a monthly donation to two different charities for humans, one of these is UNHCR.
I feel that I have to do something similar to honour Lola's devotion and love which were enormous.
Her friend Pallina is a little lost and disoriented. They never got along even after 15 years together, but it's clear that something or someone is missing in her daily life.
My heart has been split in two, half of it has gone with Lola, the other half is shattered in so many tiny pieces.
Don't worry Lola, I'm here, thinking of you every minute of every day. We'll be together again soon!
She was nearly 17 yo, it should have been 17 if she had lived to May 15th.
She was diagnosed with an oral squamous carcinoma in last October, I had found something strange in her mouth around September 20th, but the vets on that same day told me that it was just an inflammation in her mouth and that I was unnecessarily worried. Unfortunately my fears were right and they were wrong.
Lola was just successfully coming out from a heavy surgery for removing an adrenal gland that had gone crazy a few months before and was causing her a tremendous disease that could have taken her to death. We were still celebrating this success when we had this hard and terrible news.
After discovering the oral carcinoma Lola underwent a long course of chemotherapy and a week of radiation therapy. At first these two things seemed to be working fine, the mass was reducing. But I knew it coudn't be a long-lasting happiness and as weeks went by things went up and down weekly and I was on a roller coaster every single day. I would wake up to a happy and lively Lola and later in the day she was feeling bad, or the other way round. Or she could have two or three bad days and then she was happy and full of life for two or three weeks.
More than once since December it seemed to me that her time was over and I tried to get ready to her last day with me, but everytime she would bounce back to a lively and happy life.
Things started going very bad when in mid-February her tongue went necrotic and the vet had to remove half of it. Lola was left with only the rear half of her tongue, she wasn't able to drink or eat on her own anymore. I had to be her tongue, I had to have her drink with a syringe as many times a day as possible, I had to syringe feed her too at least three times a day and give her at least her minimum calories requirement for the day, and not always I was able to, because she would feel sick and didn't want to eat.
The necrosis wasn't stopping and was slowly eroding her tongue tissues. She was fine, lively, alert and happy. She would keep exploring the house, following me around, scratching her post, purring at me and curling up on my lap. She also would take a walk in the courtyard when the weather allowed her to. She was doing exactly the same things that she used to do, except eating and drinking.
Well, sometimes she would visit her water bowl and try to drink, but rather than licking the water surface she would bite and chew the water.
The tumor was growing again, I could see it, I could feel it. Her tongue was shorter and shorter by the day because of the erosion. On a morning I realised that she wasn't able to swallow her syringed food any longer, she was in difficulty. Was it too a short tongue or something in her throat?
I got in touch with the vets to see whether an E-tube was a valid option and they agreed. Lola was lively and wasn't showing any other symptoms or distress, so it would have been unfair to starve her.
Lola underwent this surgery as well, it was Tuesday, March 28th. During the surgery things went slightly wrong, I was warned of it prior to the operation. They thought they were going to lose her on the operating table, but later on Lola recovered to nearly full energy and 24 hours later she was able to be discharged. We came back home and had to follow a new normality, the food had to be sent down that tube in her neck.
We weren't new to this way of feeding, Lola had a PEG (a stomach tube) placed during the radiation therapy to allow her to be fed even with the burnings of the radiations. But after four weeks that tube came off on its own, luckily enough Lola proved to be able to eat on her own again.
The experience with the E-tube was shortly lived, I was able to feed Lola this way only three times. On Thursday, March 30th, as usual I came back home from work during my lunch break to give Lola her midday meal. She had thrown up all her morning meal while I was away, she wasn't in a good condition, but she tried to walk and climb to the window sill to bask in the sun.
She has always been feeling cold, since she was much younger. She always loved to stay in the sun or next to a warmth source. I gave Lola her meal, but she threw it up after a few minutes and started feeling weak and tired. She fell on her side, I felt it was time... I had been preparing myself to this for weeks, but I wasn't ready yet. You are never ready for such a thing!
I called my wife at work but she wasn't able to be home soon, so while I was waiting for her I spent my last hours with Lola and talked to her to let her know that she had been my great love, my pride, my life. I told her I would never forget her and not to be afraid of what was going to happen, not to be afraid to be parted from me because I will be with her again very soon.
Lola was very weak, but she also wanted to walk around and go outside and lay in the sun.
My wife arrived, she agreed that it was time to let her go. We called the vet who arrived one hour later. I had four hours in all with her before he arrived.
A last greet, a last kiss, a last cuddle and the last promise we will meet soon, then Lola slowly fell asleep and after a few seconds she was at the Bridge.
Lola was cremated two days later in a private cremation, I have had her ashes in little urn that I have stored along with other 4 of them.
My desperation is total. Lola had been sick so often in the past months, and she had been hospitalised several times, she hadn't been home for a total of 40 days in the last 11 months. It seems to me that she's just away for a therapy and she'll be soon home again.
I keep seeing her in many of her favourite spots. Sometimes I look for her when I don't see her in her bed. One night I woke up and I thought I didn't give Lola the meds she needed before going to bed, then I realised that no more meds were needed.
When I close my eyes I see her last few hours with me, waiting for the end, I cannot believe it is true.
My daily routine has been upset. My routine, for many years, since her first nose cancer in 2011, was up from bed at 6 am, getting myself sorted, starting with her morning therapies, a nebulizer session to clean her nose, cleaning the place where Lola had slept, washing the bowls, scooping her litter tray, warming up her wet food, feeding her, making sure that she was alright and finally going out to work without having breakfast because I had no time for it. At my luch break I used to come back home, check on her and her feline friend Pallina, give her the meds if needed, clean her nose and go back to work without eating anything because my time was over. After work I would rush home, see if everything was fine, clean her nose, scoop the litter tray, spent some quality time with Lola until my dinner was ready, watch the TV together, clean her nose and go to bed. Every second or third day was a sub-q day.
Now I have so much spare time, I feel overwhelmed by the spare time, I still can't understand why I have so much spare time and can't figure it out how to use it.
I was used to have no time for me, I would have done the same things for my whole life, I was doing them out of love for Lola.
I devoted my whole life to her, she was my first thought in the morning, almost the only one during the day, the last one before sleeping at night. And I am sure I was her only thought. She was with me always, at my feet when I was around the house, on my lap when I was at the table or on the couch to watch the TV, outside the bathroom door crying to call me out. We had our way of communicating, Lola was very talkative, I could ask her questions and get a proper answer. She always let me know what she needed. I was her only point of interest in her world and life. She wanted me next to her when she was eating. she let me do any kind of therapy to her. I could give her injections, pills, tablets, drops, nebulizing and much more without complaining. She let me kiss her on her mouth and I could walk her on the street on her leash.
When I lost my Tom in September 2013 I felt I had to do something to honour him. He was such a generous cat, he would give love to everybody and would offer his own food to the feral cats that happened to walk across our courtyard. In memory of his generousity I subscribed to a monthly donation to two different charities for humans, one of these is UNHCR.
I feel that I have to do something similar to honour Lola's devotion and love which were enormous.
Her friend Pallina is a little lost and disoriented. They never got along even after 15 years together, but it's clear that something or someone is missing in her daily life.
My heart has been split in two, half of it has gone with Lola, the other half is shattered in so many tiny pieces.
Don't worry Lola, I'm here, thinking of you every minute of every day. We'll be together again soon!
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