Post Your Best "groaner" Joke

Mother Dragon

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Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!

Q: Why are graveyards noisy?
A: Because of all the coffin!

Q: When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
A: When you are a mouse.

Q: What is a scarecrows favorite fruit?
A: Straw-berries!
 

1 bruce 1

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You want a groaner?

You're gonna get one, especially if you're a doctor.

:flail::flail::flail::flail::flail:

A man walks into a library and says, "I'd like a hamburger, please." The librarian says, “This is a library.” The man apologizes and whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?

A: Beer.

Name the only rock group in history that has 4 guys who can't sing, dance, play instruments, yet people travel from all over to see them each year.

A: Mount Rushmore
 

doomsdave

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:flail::flail::flail::flail::flail:

A man walks into a library and says, "I'd like a hamburger, please." The librarian says, “This is a library.” The man apologizes and whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?

A: Beer.

Name the only rock group in history that has 4 guys who can't sing, dance, play instruments, yet people travel from all over to see them each year.

A: Mount Rushmore
I thought the rock group might be The Rolling Stones
 

doomsdave

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:flail::flail::flail::flail::flail:

A man walks into a library and says, "I'd like a hamburger, please." The librarian says, “This is a library.” The man apologizes and whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”
:flail::flail::flail:

Here's one from ninth grade (works best in a New Yawk accent):

CUSTOMER: I'd like a hard-boiled egg, coffee and a donut!

COUNTER ATTENDANT: We don't have donuts.

CUSTOMER: Oh, silly me, just give me coffee and a donut.

COUNTER ATTENDANT: We don't have [expletive] donuts, awright?

CUSTOMER: Oh, okay, well, just go 'head an' gimme a donut!
 
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doomsdave

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I’ve given up social media and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening.

I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already have three people following me—

two police officers and a psychiatrist.
 

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When you see two female deer staring at one another, what are they doing?

A: Dancing. It's called the doe-see-doe.

When I was a kid, we couldn't afford a regular circus, so we went to an one that was set up in a mall parking lot and charged 5 cents. Some of the attractions included the amazing bearded man, the astounding 6' midgets, the world's first stripe-less zebra, and and the incredible talking mute.
Hey, you get what you pay for.
 
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Mother Dragon

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Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? A. Wra

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean? A. A human bean.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A. Ghoul!

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar? A. For the Boos.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? A. He didn't have a haunting license.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A. He is mist.

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football? A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A. Because he is always a goblin.

Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A. A toasty ghosty.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? A. Whipped scream.
 

doomsdave

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Just so you know, before my hair went gray, it was a sandy shade of blond.


= = = = = = = = = = = = =

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the blond technician.

“Has your address changed?” he asked.

“No,” I answered.

“Your phone number?”

“No.”

“What about your birthday?”
 

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A sleep-walking dog enters a bar and says "look everyone, I'm a cat."
The bartender says "That you are, sir!" and the dog turns and walks out.
Everyone at the bar says "Why did you agree with him? That was obviously a dog." The bartender shrugged, and said "you know what they say. You should always let sleeping dogs lie."
 

Mother Dragon

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Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday? A. Fangsgiving

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.

Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!

Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective? A. Sherlock Moans.

Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married? A. Newlywebbed

Q. What is a ghosts favorite place on the web? A. www.halloween.com!

Q. Who was the most famous witch detective? A. Warlock Holmes

Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop? A. Scream or sugar!

Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A. Sherlock Bones.

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? A. Napoleon bone-apart

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York? A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. Where do most werewolves live? A. In howllywood, California

Q. Where do most goblins live? A. in North and South Scarolina.

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche? A. At a ghastly station.

Q. What do Italian's eat on Halloween? A. Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
 

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A thief broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. The police chief said that they had nothing to go on.

"Here's your problem," the pediatrician said to the new first time dad. "Your baby isn't sick, he just needs a diaper change." The father replied "But I swear, doc, the package said 'good for 8-10 pounds'."

What did Noah say as he was loading the ark?
A: Now I herd everything.

A monastery was going bankrupt. They decided to have an old fashioned English fish and chips stand to help raise money. One day a man stopped and said "Can I just get an order of fries?" The brother working at the stand said "Hang on, I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
 
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Jem

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Sam was travelling and stopped at a biker bar for a bite to eat. He was a little hesitant going in but he really wanted some advice from a "real" biker. So he worked up the courage while sitting there he started talking to one of the bikers next to him.
Sam: "I've always wanted to be in a biker gang, can you tell me what I need to do to be one you you guys?"
The biker, gave him a once over and snickered. "Well one of the first things you have to do is prove that you're tough."
Sam: "How can I do that?"
Biker: "How about you tell us a story that shows how tough you can be?"
Sam: "OK, well, I do have one story....One day I was swimming in the ocean, and all of a sudden, a shark came up to me! I tried to swim away, but he got a hold of my arm and ripped it right off!
Biker: "Oh really? What did you do?"
Sam: "Well I went after the shark and was able to pry open his jaws, I took my arm back, and started beating the shark with my arm! Then I swam back to shore, found a fishing hook and some fishing line a sewed my arm back on!"
Biker: " Wow! Well that certainly proves you're pretty tough, you can join!

Sam was so excited and at a loss for words, that he was only able to thank them with two thumbs up!
Sam Joke.png
 

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Sam was travelling and stopped at a biker bar for a bite to eat. He was a little hesitant going in but he really wanted some advice from a "real" biker. So he worked up the courage while sitting there he started talking to one of the bikers next to him.
Sam: "I've always wanted to be in a biker gang, can you tell me what I need to do to be one you you guys?"
The biker, gave him a once over and snickered. "Well one of the first things you have to do is prove that you're tough."
Sam: "How can I do that?"
Biker: "How about you tell us a story that shows how tough you can be?"
Sam: "OK, well, I do have one story....One day I was swimming in the ocean, and all of a sudden, a shark came up to me! I tried to swim away, but he got a hold of my arm and ripped it right off!
Biker: "Oh really? What did you do?"
Sam: "Well I went after the shark and was able to pry open his jaws, I took my arm back, and started beating the shark with my arm! Then I swam back to shore, found a fishing hook and some fishing line a sewed my arm back on!"
Biker: " Wow! Well that certainly proves you're pretty tough, you can join!

Sam was so excited and at a loss for words, that he was only able to thank them with two thumbs up!
View attachment 302832
My laugh turned into a coughing fit :flail:
 
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