Post Your Best "groaner" Joke

1 bruce 1

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I sent these to a fellow joke lover on this site but I thought I'd share them with you all today as well.

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says "look out, they're right behind you!"

Last week, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick and I passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn't talking to me.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I put my foot down.

I got hungry yesterday and ate a clock. It was very time consuming.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it, that's where.

Just as we suspected, someone has been adding soil to our garden. And so the plot thickens.

Last year, I wrote a book on reverse psychology. Whatever you do, do not read it.
 

Talien

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A Squirrel was relieving himself in the woods when a Bear walked up and asked, "Hey Squirrel, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The Squirrel replied "Nope, never had that problem." The Bear then picked up the Squirrel and used it to wipe himself.
 

1 bruce 1

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A Squirrel was relieving himself in the woods when a Bear walked up and asked, "Hey Squirrel, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The Squirrel replied "Nope, never had that problem." The Bear then picked up the Squirrel and used it to wipe himself.
:flail:
 

Graceful-Lily

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A Squirrel was relieving himself in the woods when a Bear walked up and asked, "Hey Squirrel, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The Squirrel replied "Nope, never had that problem." The Bear then picked up the Squirrel and used it to wipe himself.
OH, OH NO!! :paperbag:
 

1 bruce 1

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When I was a kid, my science teacher told me I could see the moon clearly, as if through a telescope. All I had to do was look at it through a colandar. So I did.

All it did was strain my eyes.
 

1 bruce 1

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A pickle fell out of the jar. What did the other pickles say to him?

A: Dill with it.

What did the Dalmatian say after dinner?

A: That hit the spot.

What do you call a droid that takes the scenic route?

A: R2 Detour

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?

A: Where's popcorn?

How much does it cost a pirate to get an ear piercing?

A: About a buckaneer.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

A: Time to get a new clock.
 

1 bruce 1

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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
 

Silver Crazy

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Husband came home from work and his wife met him at the door in a see through sexy nightie.
She said, Its your birthday so we are going to do anything you want.
So he took her to the bedroom..tied her up to the bed and went out and played golf.

Friend: Heard you father died so sorry for you.
Me: Yes..was very sad.
Friend: Did he say any last words to you before he died??
Me: Yes...THE BUS THE BUS!!
 

Mother Dragon

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Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don’t work.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
-
A Golden Receiver.


What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
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They would get wet.


I was devastated to hear that Peter died. Are you coming to his funeral?

And why should I? He’s not coming to mine, either.


What would Bears become without Bees?
-
Just ears.
 
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