Post Your Best "groaner" Joke

1 bruce 1

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Husband came home from work and his wife met him at the door in a see through sexy nightie.
She said, Its your birthday so we are going to do anything you want.
So he took her to the bedroom..tied her up to the bed and went out and played golf.
:flail:

"I may be 72, but I'm 22 Celsius.'

"The secret to a happy life is to run out of cash and air at exactly the same time."

"When I was a kid, we couldn't afford a horse, so we had to staple two ponies together."
 

Boris Diamond

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I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
 

doomsdave

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And a word to the wise:

(For the ladies) How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
 

1 bruce 1

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"What do you mean, you don't snore? I had to roll you over last night to keep you from inhaling the curtains."

The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night. So now before we go to sleep, my wife fills my mouth with hot water and coffee beans and sets the alarm for 6.

I'm no spring chicken, but I've got almost as many chemicals in me.

The worst thing about a lung transplant is coughing up someone else's phlegm.
 

1 bruce 1

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A sign at a music shop: "Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minute".

A time traveler walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"
God says, "To me about a minute".
The man thinks this over, and says "God, how much is a million dollars?
God replies, "To me, it's a penny."
The man thinks this through again, and slowly says "God.....? May I have a penny?"
God answers, "In a minute."
 

Mother Dragon

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  1. I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
  2. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
  3. What’s red and shaped like a bucket?A blue bucket painted red.
  4. What don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.
  5. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.
  6. Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
  7. When is your door not actually a door? When it’s actually ajar.
  8. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
  9. What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
  10. What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.
  11. A communist joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.
  12. What did one dish say to the other? Dinner is on me!
  13. What does a house wear? Address!
  14. Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
  15. Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  16. What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?Artificial Swedener.
  17. Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.
  18. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
  19. What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
  20. What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear!
  21. I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
  22. Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
  23. I’m terrified of elevators so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  24. Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven’t had a gig yet.
  25. What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
 

Mother Dragon

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  1. How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants.
  2. I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.
  3. Wait, you don’t want to hear a joke about potassium?K.
  4. How do you organize a space-themed hurrah? You planet.
  5. Your ex. That’s the punchline.
  6. How do you feel when there’s no coffee? Depresso.
  7. I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me?“Stay out of those places!”
  8. What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
  9. Where did the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
  10. What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.
  11. What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
  12. What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? “It’s not you, it’s a-me, Mario!”
  13. What’s the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.
  14. What did the finger say to the thumb? I’m in glove with you.
  15. What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabrador.
  16. What concert costs only 45 cents?50 Cent plus Nickelback.
  17. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
  18. Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.
  19. What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the galaxy.
  20. There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math, and those of us who aren’t.
  21. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
  22. Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.
  23. What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
  24. Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
  25. What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
 

doomsdave

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BULLWINKLE: "Hey Rocky! I just got my Actors' Equity union card! I'm a professional thespian now!"

ROCKY: "You can't be one of those; you're not even a girl!"
 
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