Post Your Best "groaner" Joke

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Jem

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My laugh turned into a coughing fit :flail:
Sorry, I hope you're OK....One thing though, Were you laughing at the joke or my artistic skills?:D
 

1 bruce 1

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Actually, the artistry had me laughing because it was the perfect addition, his expression says it all!

I asked my wife "would you be sad if I chased after young girls?"
Her reply: "Not at all. Even old dogs chase cars they can't drive".
 

doomsdave

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Once on our commute to work, my ride-share driver stopped at a convenience store for coffee.

As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd.

“Turn your head and look at me,” I said. “You have a Q-tip sticking out of your ear.”

As he pulled it out, he replied, “No wonder the guy in there asked me if I was getting good reception.”
 

1 bruce 1

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Why do hot dogs all look the same?

A: They're in bread.

Why doesn't the gingerbread man wear shorts?

A: He's got crummy legs.

Why do the French eat snails?

A: They hate fast food.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

A: It got stuck in a crack.

Why is the weather at ball games always so cold?

A: The stands are full of fans.

Why do sharks live in salt water?

A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
 

doomsdave

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Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them.

“That’sh ush' in ten years, (urk)” he says.


His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs,


“That’sh a mirror.”
 

doomsdave

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Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
 

Mother Dragon

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Last Halloween, I went to a party dressed as Dracula and ate all the food.

I was Vampire the Buffet Slayer.

What's a vampire's favorite type of soup?

Scream of tomato.

What do vampires eat for breakfast?

Ready Neck.

What's a vampire's favorite holiday?

Fangs-giving.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.

Why does no-one like vampires?

Because they're real pains in the neck.

Where do vampires eat their lunch?

At the casketeria.

Why don't vampire's make good artists?

Because they always like to draw blood.

What's a vampire's least favorite song?

Another One Bites The Dust.

What do you call a foolish vampire?

A silly sucker.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?

A blood orange.

What does a vampire never order at the restaurant?

A steak.

Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?

The Vampire State Building.

Why are vampires like false teeth?

They come out at night.

Why did the vampire keep acting batty?

It was in his blood.

Who plays striker for the vampire soccer team?

The ghoulscorer.

What's a Spanish vampire's favorite dance?

The Fang-dango.

What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?

Lots of blood tests.

What cheese do vampires eat?

Munster.

Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart?

He had loved in vein.

Why do vampires chew gum?

Because they have bat breath.

What's a vampire's favorite Shakespeare play?

A Midsummer Bite's Dream.

What do you call a duck with fangs?

Quackula.


How does a vampire enter his house?

Through the bat flap.

What do you call a communist vampire?

A red blood count.

What do you call a criminal vampire?

A fangster.

Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?

He just had to grin and bare it.
 

Mother Dragon

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Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
 

Mother Dragon

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A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy, his family knowing this decided to surprise him on thanksgiving day. Now the parrot wasn't raised in a christian enviroment and it was mocking, insulting, and treatening the man. That thanksgiving day he got the man, so angry that he put the parrot in the freezer. After 3 minutes he let the parrot out. the parrot says "I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you." The man says "You did.!" Then the parrot say "Can i asks you one more question?" The man says "Sure. what is it?" The parrot asked "What did the turkey do?"
 

doomsdave

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

“And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires,
“Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
 

doomsdave

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A definition of lotto drawing:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So I'm gonna put a box of a couple hundred million dollars in a room in a house somewhere on the N.American continent and for 2 bucks you get one chance to guess the address...
 

1 bruce 1

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A guy was building a new kitchen and hired a contractor to help him. When the man saw his bill was lower than he'd anticipated, he asked the contractor what brand of cabinets he had ordered.
The contractor thought for a few minutes, and said "it's...you know, it's from a small Scandinavian country, the business with four letters."
"IKEA?" the man asked hopefully.
The contractor shook his head no and replied, "LEGO."
 

Willowy

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A guy was building a new kitchen and hired a contractor to help him. When the man saw his bill was lower than he'd anticipated, he asked the contractor what brand of cabinets he had ordered.
The contractor thought for a few minutes, and said "it's...you know, it's from a small Scandinavian country, the business with four letters."
"IKEA?" the man asked hopefully.
The contractor shook his head no and replied, "LEGO."
I kinda think LEGO cabinets would cost more than regular cabinets ;).

Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman?

A: Park your car in it, man.
 
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