My Sweet Lola is at the Rainbow Bridge

[Antonio65]

Five months without Lola. Today is the fifth month since she left me
Today was one of the days I was sadder and thought about her more than on other days. Today I was nearly desperate, it seemed to me like it had happened yesterday. Everything was so vivid and clear in my mind, all the good days, but mainly the last few days of her troubled life.

By a pure coincidence in the afternoon I had to discuss with a vet that I never met before (my life is full of vet visits, my phone book has more vets than friends and relatives) and the conversation turned to Lola for some minutes, the vet was truly amazed by the short story I told him, he tried to comfort me with words of pride for having such a strong cat.

It seems that she's still very present in my life, she's still with me.
Last night, while I was falling asleep in the bed I had the clear feeling that I was touching her coat and thet she was looking at me with her usual sweet and loving eyes.

I hope to live more days like today, I hope to live the rest of my life like today!

 

[Kitten70]

It seems that she's still very present in my life, she's still with me.
Last night, while I was falling asleep in the bed I had the clear feeling that I was touching her coat and thet she was looking at me with her usual sweet and loving eyes.

I know exactly how you feel! it's getting cold here in Colorado at night and we sleep with Kitty's blanket on our feet, I accidentally touched the velvety blanket and thought it was him. I think the spirit will always be with us, no matter how much time passes...

 

[Antonio65]

My inner clock is still ticking, and it keeps saying me that...

Last year, on September 21st, it was a Wednesday. It was a fresh and clear day.

I woke up that morning, a Wednesday, happy as always. Lola was fine, I thought, who could have been happier than me? I woke up to a lively and hungry Lola but I saw that her bowl water was colored in pink...
It was some weeks already that she had a visit with a specialist who told me that her gums were inflammated. In the last three weeks I had been brushing her teeth with a tiny brush and gel every night.
On that morning the first thought that crossed my mind was that my sweet Lola had lost a tooth while drinking during the night and that a blood drop had fallen into the water. Given her inflammated gums and her age it wouldn't have been a surprise.

I gently opened up her mouth to check her teeth, but I saw a red swollen lump under her tongue!
My blood froze!

It was 7:15 am, I threw her into her carrier and drove straight to the clinic. During the 30-minute drive I prayed out loud that it wasn't what I was thinking it was. I asked Lola not to play me anymore pranks because after the long nightmare between July and August I had enough.
At last I arrived at the clinic. Two vets that knew her well were on duty.
I explained them what was going on, my voice was broken. They told me not to worry. They checked Lola's mouth and saw that big round lump under her tongue and concluded that it was nothing to worry about, they had seen such things before, it was just a glossitis, an inflammation of the tongue. I made them notice that "the thing" was under the tongue, not on the tongue, but they replied that sometimes these inflammations could show up around the tongue.
They prescribed an antibiotic for ten days. According to their opinion in less than a week everything would have gone back to normal.
They were trying to convince me that it was a little more than nothing, but in my heart I feared it wasn't that way.
Once back home I took a photo of that lump in her mouth and I did it the same thing every three days.

The following days proved that I was right. After ten days with no improvement (the photos were very clear regarding this), they told me to extend the antibiotic treatment by ten more days, but long before that time expired I had seen another doctor to have a clearer view of the matter and she did a needle aspiration. She already suspected what it was, she just needed to have a lab report for that.
Meanwhile they asked me to take contact with the radiation therapy clinic, the one where I had taken Lola to 5 years before.
I used to keep contact with those doctors. Twice a year, on Lola's birthday and Christmas, I used to send them an email to let them know that Lola was still fine and all because of their huge skill!
I had plans that on the oncoming Christmas I would have let them know that Lola had undergone an amazing surgery a few months before and that I and them should have been proud of how we handled Lola's carcinoma in 2011 to allow her to be still with us. That was my proud plan.

I called them, I introduced myself. Five years had went by, they could not remember me.
But the owner of the clinic recognized me right away, he remembered of me and Lola. He told me that he barely remembers the clients' names, let alone their pets' names. But I and Lola had been in his thoughts for years, he told me that it was impossible to forget such a careful owner and such a lovely cat. He brought me to tears.
I explained him what Lola had been through in July and what she was currently experiencing. I was crying on the phone.
He told me that they could have treated her once again. I told him that I was financially broken in that moment, because the surgery in July had been incredibly expensive. He told me that they would have done an exception and let me pay with delayed monthly installments, something that they usually don't do, but this was Lola, she deserved it. This brought me to more tears!

A long and stressful preparation path began. We met with an oncologist who told me that nothing of what we were going to do would have saved Lola, we would have prolonged her life by some weeks or she could have died during the treatment. She was straight and sincere, no false hopes were given.
The histologic report came, it was a squamous cell carcinoma. The lab vet called me home after issuing the report, he said he was really sorry. He knew Lola well, he was the first doctor to visit her when I found her at 10-15 days of age.
In the next days I also called the clinic where Lola was operated in July. At that clinic they ran a CT scan the day before the surgery, but didn't see that a new devil was growing inside my poor cat. I told them off for being incompetent! The only thing they said was that they were very sorry.

We made a first journey to the city where the radiation clinic is, 220 miles away from home. We had to do a new CT scan. The clinic where this CT scan was done was in direct contact with the radiation clinic, just 1 mile away, so the CT scan had to be done there only. That was a terrible day for me. They told me that because Lola was 16 she could have not survived the anesthesia for the scan, so I had to kiss her goodbye before the scan began. It took over an hour to be completed, she survived! I wasn't able to pay the huge bill, though, because the credit card machine had broken a few minutes before.
However we were free to drive back home, the radiation therapy would have began in a week time, I could have paid for the scan later.

I was happy that Lola survived the scan, but I knew what we were going to face and I was dying inside...

To be continued...

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Hugs, Darlin, just...Hugs.

 

[babiesmom5]

You have great inner strength to be able to describe the start of Lola's fateful journey on this very unwelcome anniversary. With each paragraph, my heart sank further. I could feel your fears, your frustrations, your anguish. Lola's sweet spirit was guiding your hand and will be with you always. My thoughts are with you.

 

[kittylove53]

I know how very hard each passing monthly anniversary can be!I am seven and a half months from when Omelette passed.I still feel I can catch glimpses of her around the house!I am still very much grieving over her,she is on my mind all the time.I miss her so very much.The new kitten I now have has been named Smynx!She is I think a dilute Torti,mostly grey,with white and beige.She sure keeps me busy,as she gets into everything like all kittens do!I know you will miss Lola forever,as I do Omelette.I hope they are running around happy,and free of their cancers that took them from us.I am sending hugs to you both.

 

[Antonio65]

Thanks everybody!
As a matter of fact in the last few days I've been thinking a lot about her.
I'm feeling guilty again, I am thinking of what I might have done wrong or what I haven't done and it seems to me that I hadn't done everything or that I did something that I shouldn't have done.
This should be one of the first steps of the grieving process, I thought I was over that now, but I'm feeling like I'm at the beginning of this process
I find myself beating me up for something that I could have done differently, I don't know, it's all so dark around me.

I have much more spare time now. I had thought that I could have done more things, but I'm not using that spare time. It seems to me that using my spare time is like betraying the memory of my Lola.
I cannot get out of this loop

Forgive me, Lola, please!

 

[Ellie's Mom]

One week ago, at this time, Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge and left me in my deep desperation.
She was nearly 17 yo, it should have been 17 if she had lived to May 15th.

She was diagnosed with an oral squamous carcinoma in last October, I had found something strange in her mouth around September 20th, but the vets on that same day told me that it was just an inflammation in her mouth and that I was unnecessarily worried. Unfortunately my fears were right and they were wrong.

Lola was just successfully coming out from a heavy surgery for removing an adrenal gland that had gone crazy a few months before and was causing her a tremendous disease that could have taken her to death. We were still celebrating this success when we had this hard and terrible news.

After discovering the oral carcinoma Lola underwent a long course of chemotherapy and a week of radiation therapy. At first these two things seemed to be working fine, the mass was reducing. But I knew it coudn't be a long-lasting happiness and as weeks went by things went up and down weekly and I was on a roller coaster every single day. I would wake up to a happy and lively Lola and later in the day she was feeling bad, or the other way round. Or she could have two or three bad days and then she was happy and full of life for two or three weeks.

More than once since December it seemed to me that her time was over and I tried to get ready to her last day with me, but everytime she would bounce back to a lively and happy life.

Things started going very bad when in mid-February her tongue went necrotic and the vet had to remove half of it. Lola was left with only the rear half of her tongue, she wasn't able to drink or eat on her own anymore. I had to be her tongue, I had to have her drink with a syringe as many times a day as possible, I had to syringe feed her too at least three times a day and give her at least her minimum calories requirement for the day, and not always I was able to, because she would feel sick and didn't want to eat.

The necrosis wasn't stopping and was slowly eroding her tongue tissues. She was fine, lively, alert and happy. She would keep exploring the house, following me around, scratching her post, purring at me and curling up on my lap. She also would take a walk in the courtyard when the weather allowed her to. She was doing exactly the same things that she used to do, except eating and drinking.
Well, sometimes she would visit her water bowl and try to drink, but rather than licking the water surface she would bite and chew the water.

The tumor was growing again, I could see it, I could feel it. Her tongue was shorter and shorter by the day because of the erosion. On a morning I realised that she wasn't able to swallow her syringed food any longer, she was in difficulty. Was it too a short tongue or something in her throat?
I got in touch with the vets to see whether an E-tube was a valid option and they agreed. Lola was lively and wasn't showing any other symptoms or distress, so it would have been unfair to starve her.

Lola underwent this surgery as well, it was Tuesday, March 28th. During the surgery things went slightly wrong, I was warned of it prior to the operation. They thought they were going to lose her on the operating table, but later on Lola recovered to nearly full energy and 24 hours later she was able to be discharged. We came back home and had to follow a new normality, the food had to be sent down that tube in her neck.

We weren't new to this way of feeding, Lola had a PEG (a stomach tube) placed during the radiation therapy to allow her to be fed even with the burnings of the radiations. But after four weeks that tube came off on its own, luckily enough Lola proved to be able to eat on her own again.

The experience with the E-tube was shortly lived, I was able to feed Lola this way only three times. On Thursday, March 30th, as usual I came back home from work during my lunch break to give Lola her midday meal. She had thrown up all her morning meal while I was away, she wasn't in a good condition, but she tried to walk and climb to the window sill to bask in the sun.

She has always been feeling cold, since she was much younger. She always loved to stay in the sun or next to a warmth source. I gave Lola her meal, but she threw it up after a few minutes and started feeling weak and tired. She fell on her side, I felt it was time... I had been preparing myself to this for weeks, but I wasn't ready yet. You are never ready for such a thing!

I called my wife at work but she wasn't able to be home soon, so while I was waiting for her I spent my last hours with Lola and talked to her to let her know that she had been my great love, my pride, my life. I told her I would never forget her and not to be afraid of what was going to happen, not to be afraid to be parted from me because I will be with her again very soon.

Lola was very weak, but she also wanted to walk around and go outside and lay in the sun.

My wife arrived, she agreed that it was time to let her go. We called the vet who arrived one hour later. I had four hours in all with her before he arrived.
A last greet, a last kiss, a last cuddle and the last promise we will meet soon, then Lola slowly fell asleep and after a few seconds she was at the Bridge.

Lola was cremated two days later in a private cremation, I have had her ashes in little urn that I have stored along with other 4 of them.

My desperation is total. Lola had been sick so often in the past months, and she had been hospitalised several times, she hadn't been home for a total of 40 days in the last 11 months. It seems to me that she's just away for a therapy and she'll be soon home again.

I keep seeing her in many of her favourite spots. Sometimes I look for her when I don't see her in her bed. One night I woke up and I thought I didn't give Lola the meds she needed before going to bed, then I realised that no more meds were needed.
When I close my eyes I see her last few hours with me, waiting for the end, I cannot believe it is true.

My daily routine has been upset. My routine, for many years, since her first nose cancer in 2011, was up from bed at 6 am, getting myself sorted, starting with her morning therapies, a nebulizer session to clean her nose, cleaning the place where Lola had slept, washing the bowls, scooping her litter tray, warming up her wet food, feeding her, making sure that she was alright and finally going out to work without having breakfast because I had no time for it. At my luch break I used to come back home, check on her and her feline friend Pallina, give her the meds if needed, clean her nose and go back to work without eating anything because my time was over. After work I would rush home, see if everything was fine, clean her nose, scoop the litter tray, spent some quality time with Lola until my dinner was ready, watch the TV together, clean her nose and go to bed. Every second or third day was a sub-q day.

Now I have so much spare time, I feel overwhelmed by the spare time, I still can't understand why I have so much spare time and can't figure it out how to use it.
I was used to have no time for me, I would have done the same things for my whole life, I was doing them out of love for Lola.
I devoted my whole life to her, she was my first thought in the morning, almost the only one during the day, the last one before sleeping at night. And I am sure I was her only thought. She was with me always, at my feet when I was around the house, on my lap when I was at the table or on the couch to watch the TV, outside the bathroom door crying to call me out. We had our way of communicating, Lola was very talkative, I could ask her questions and get a proper answer. She always let me know what she needed. I was her only point of interest in her world and life. She wanted me next to her when she was eating. she let me do any kind of therapy to her. I could give her injections, pills, tablets, drops, nebulizing and much more without complaining. She let me kiss her on her mouth and I could walk her on the street on her leash.

When I lost my Tom in September 2013 I felt I had to do something to honour him. He was such a generous cat, he would give love to everybody and would offer his own food to the feral cats that happened to walk across our courtyard. In memory of his generousity I subscribed to a monthly donation to two different charities for humans, one of these is UNHCR.
I feel that I have to do something similar to honour Lola's devotion and love which were enormous.

Her friend Pallina is a little lost and disoriented. They never got along even after 15 years together, but it's clear that something or someone is missing in her daily life.

My heart has been split in two, half of it has gone with Lola, the other half is shattered in so many tiny pieces.

Don't worry Lola, I'm here, thinking of you every minute of every day. We'll be together again soon!

The paralleles to our stories are tremendous... I feel your pain and sadness. Thank you for reaching out and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[kittylove53]

You tried everything possible to save Lola!I know how hard it is not to blame ourselves.I too think of what I could or should have done.Even if I had all the money needed for her cancer surgery the outcome would have been the same.I would have lost her!I know how heartbroken you are,and all the pain you are in.Lola knows how very much you loved her,and that you did all you could for her.Omelette and Lola both are waiting to be reunited with us when the time comes.I am sending lots of hugs out to both of you.Keep posting!

 

[Antonio65]

Today is six months without Lola.
I've been through rather good days, but the past ten days or so have been absoultely terrible. I've been missing her so much, I cried everyday, sometimes I had to hide from my workmates.
I thought that I could have done more or that I did something wrong. I thought that if I was more proactive or alert or stubborn I could have saved her.
I cannot get rid of these thoughts.
Lola I love you! Can you forgive me?

 

[kittylove53]

Lola loves you both so very much.Though we can not see them we know they are there watching us!You did nothing wrong,and provided her with the best medical care you could!She does not need to forgive you because she knows you did so very much to try and save her.I know only too well how much the sting of her passing is having on you both.As I said in my thread I cry every day too! There is nothing to be ashamed of even in front of others ,because it is alright to feel the way you do!I have been loosing it more lately also even though it has been eight months.We will forever hold that place open in our hearts for our beloved kitties.Yes, it is so very hard to not feel guilty that you could have done more. The severity of both of their cancers would have claimed them no matter what we could have done!My heart goes out to you!I am glad to have you there to talk to,as no one else can understand like the people on this site.

 

[Antonio65]

Two years ago today, October 10, 2015, the first sign of what would have been the beginning of a long nightmare showed up.
On that morning, a Saturday, I woke up to a Lola not in her best shape. She didn't want to eat, she was a little lethargic, wouldn't move around. We went to a clinic near home, they took a syringe of blood and had it tested right away. They told me that Lola had a worsening of her renal conditions and nothing else. I was sure it was her CKD, because we had a blood work a few weeks earlier and everything was fine, but the vet was absolutely positive that a renal failure can worsen overnight.

In hindisght that was the very first sign of her adrenal gland not working properly.

I could never forget that morning, it's like a scar in my mind!

 

[Kitty Mommy]

One week ago, at this time, Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge and left me in my deep desperation.
She was nearly 17 yo, it should have been 17 if she had lived to May 15th.

Antonio65 , I am new to this site and just read this post. My heart aches for your little Lola and for you. What a difficult time you are going through and I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think she is mad at you. You helped her in every way you possibly could have. I think she knows you love her, you gave her a loving home for many years and in the end you unselfishly let her go so her pain would end. I know it sounds impossible but eventually the happy memories will fill your mind and replace the sad ones. Please forgive yourself, you did what was right for Lola.

 

[Antonio65]

Today is a double anniversary.

On Oct 12, 2015, Lola underwent an ultrasound scan to try and understand what the issue was for her being sick in the previous few days. An earlier visit had told us that her kidney condition had worsened, but I didn't believe it. The vet that did the scan saw that everything was fine but a slightly enlarged adrenal gland. I asked him if it was the case to investigate more, he said that it was nothing to worry about, because a Cushing's disease in a cat is extremely rare... what Lola had was even rarer!

On Oct 12, 2016, we were at the clinic for the radiation therapy, 220 miles from here. We had to do a preparatory visit in order to plan the therapy. I had a long chat with the oncologist, she had a look at all the reports of the previous 6 months. Then Lola was sent to a nearby clinic for a CT scan. I had an argument with five vets who were there for the scan and told them that their category was useless if they can't see what is going on, if they can't issue a diagnosis for a disease, if they can't read a CT scan (I was referring to the fact that in July Lola had a CT scan that was already showing her oral SCC but nobody saw it). I was really angry at them, not because they were responsible for the situation Lola was in, but because they were vets. They all looked down to their shoes!
During the anesthesia for the CT scan Lola had also a small surgery for the insertion of a PEG (a stomach tube for feeding), because following the radiation therapy she wouldn't have been able to eat through her mouth anymore.

Lola was strong, she woke up from the anesthesia quickly and had no trouble with the PEG. They advised to put an E-collar to her, but I didn't put it. Lola was smart, she never touched her tube, just like she had never touched or licked any stitch she had in the past.

The weather last year was just like today, sunny, clear, much warmer than the average.
Too many details remind me of that day...

 

[Antonio65]

This week one year ago my sweet and beautiful Lola was away from home, at the radiation therapy clinic 235 miles from home.
The appointment was on Monday 24th October, at 8:30 am.

I spent the whole weekend cuddling and petting her, loving her, kissing her, holding her tight in my arms. The vets at the clinic had told me that the therapy could have been potentially dangerous and Lola could have not survived. I took advantage of every single minute with her.
On that Saturday, 22th, right after lunch, she was in my arms when she suddenly started writhing, she got stiff and her head reclined backwards. She was having a convulsion, the second that I witnessed in 16 years, the first one had been 5 months before!
It was less violent than the first one and I was less shocked. Nevertheless I was worried this could be an issue for the following therapy.
The next day, Sunday, I was feeling really bad. The weather was horrible and I had planned to leave from home in mid-afternoon, reach the town where the clinic is, sleep there and be ready for the clinic first thing on Monday morning.
Lola was sleeping at my side on the couch, I kept looking her thinking that I should have woken her up, put her in the carrier and drive for 4 hours to a destination that could have killed her.
I felt like I was going to betray her!

I and Lola arrived at the town of the clinic at 8 pm, under the rain. We got the room that I had booked, I had a quick dinner and then spent the night in the room with her, watching the TV. She slept we me, purring all night.

The following morning, Monday, we were on time at the appointment. Lola was taken away for the first sedation and radiation. I was sure I hadn't seen her alive anymore and started crying!
I told the vets that she had a convulsion two days earlier, they said that it could have been a problem but weren't too concerned.
About an hour later the vets came to me and told me that everything was fine, Lola was going to wake up and they gave her the best cage in the clinic, away from all other cats, away from noise, and it was in the warmer room of the clinic.
I kissed her and went back home and to work.

Every day Lola would receive two anesthesias and radiation sessions.
Every day at 5 pm I would call the clinic and have news for the day. Lola was going fine, she was better than expected and there was nothing to worry about. This was for Monday and Tuesday.
On Wednesday, 26th October, I called them and they told me that the chief of the clinic had to talk with me and he would have called later. I felt that something was going wrong...
He called me an hour later, he said that Lola was still alive, but after the third day of treatment, hence after the sixth anesthesia, Lola was showing the first signs of suffering. According to him and the other vets the next sedation would have killed her and he was asking me what my intention was. I told him to go on, Lola would have died anyway from cancer if not treated.

But when it was night and I was home from work, I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep and at 5 am I got in the car and drove straight to the clinic, where I arrived shortly before 9 am.
The vets saw me at the door. They weren't surprised to see me there. They told me "We knew you would come". I asked how Lola was on that morning, they replied that she had been very bad for the whole night, but that about an hour prior my arrival she had bounced back to a full energy. They told me "Obviously she felt you were near!".
I stayed there the whole day. When Lola finished her seventh radiation, she was taken to her own room where the vets gave me a chair and whatever I could need. They were all so dear.
I waited for the eighth radiation in the afternoon, stayed there until 8 pm and then I went to the same hotel. For the whole afternoon before and after the 8th radiation Lola was full of life, alert, playful. She liked to explore the whole clinic. And they let her go wherever she felt like. This behaviour and this strength were a surprise for the vets that didn't expect such a lively cat after all she had been through.
She was blind in that period, but this didn't stop her and she never walked into any object, despite the fact she couldn't see and didn't know the place. The vets at the clinic weren't able to explain that.

Because I was there for the night, they agreed to let me take Lola with me at the hotel. She could have received benefit from staying with me rather than in a cage.

On Friday morning I took Lola back to the clinic. Like the day before I stayed there the whole day, until 6 pm when she finished her 10th therapy and we were free to go back home.
They gave me the chemo meds for the therapy at home and off we went.

About 5 km from the clinic Lola almost fainted in her carrier. I stopped the car, I was going to turn back to the clinic, but then she woke up again.
Two hours later she had a violent discharge of diarrhea in her carrier. I had to stop at a gas station on the highway to clean her and the carrier.
Unfortunately it happened two more times before getting home, where we arrived at 11 pm.

We made it. Lola made it! She survived what many pets didn't, like the chief of the clinic told me. Lola was a real fighter, a warrior.
But the worst was yet to come...

 

[kittylove53]

These monthly anniversaries are getting harder and harder to take.I like you keep reliving what was to be Omelettes fate!I need to let her know that no matter how I feel she is living on in my heart.I now have Smink to take care of,and she really keeps me on my toes,along with Oubie and Spee Wee.I do not know what I would do without them.I hope that you will be able to go on knowing that Lola is with you always,even though we cannot see them!How is Paulina doing? I hope she is feeling better.Keep posting and I will as well.Hugs to you!

 

[Antonio65]

kittylove53 ,
Yes, it seems it's getting harder and harder.
They told that time would have done things easier, smoother, softer.
It isn't true. In these lst days I go to bed and close my eyes thinking of her and she's still my first thought in the morning, and I think of her often during the day.
I keep on asling me where I went wrong and why I did go wrong!
And I keep thinking of those awful vets who didn't see what Lola had and let her go twice without a diagnosis. I keep thinking whether I should let them know what I think of them, whether I should other people know what they have (NOT) done, make people aware of their incompetence...

Lola is still in my heart, I call her every now and then, I wish I could have her back, whatever it costs.

P.S.: I love how you English speaking people can use the word "anniversary" along with the word "month/monthly", we would never be able to do that and it's something that I miss.
We have no other words either to express that idea.

 

[neely]

kittylove53 ,
In these lst days I go to bed and close my eyes thinking of her and she's still my first thought in the morning, and I think of her often during the day.

It has been three years since we lost our beloved Sean and I cannot tell you how many times I either dream of him or think he is lying next to my bed. He was my comfort when I went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning. Lola will be in your heart for ever and ever. She was a part of you that time will never erase. You are left with treasured moments and hopefully those memories will help soothe your loss. My heart aches for you and I would like to express my sincere sympathies.

 

[di and bob]

Antonio65, my heart truly breaks that you miss your little girl so much. I still feel my heart ache and the tears come five years later, it seems the more traumatic the loss, the longer it takes for our hearts to heal. Of course you can't erase memories that refuse to go, the good ones would go too and you don't want that. You are such a comfort to those who come to this forum, and that is because you understand what they are going through and are empathetic to their pleas for help. But there is one thing you have to know, Lola would NEVER want you to suffer like this because of her. You can't spend overly long trying to change what you can't and suffering so much from your broken heart. Lola would never want this for you. Think if you were the first to go, would you want Lola to never know joy and love again? Of course not, and she wants no less for you. Believe me, I know how hard it is, but you have to keep the good memories in your soul and try to purge the bad, it does nothing but add to your grief. You will never forget any of your memories, but you can concentrate on what good she brought into your life, the good, and how she changed your life's path by sharing it with you for a while. She left you a legacy, and it is supposed to be good and pure, not hurtful and full of pain. Let your heart feel again, you do so much good in this world by comforting others, let Lolas' light shine forth from your heart and fill you with peace and joy.
I know how soul crushing this is. It takes a LONG time to get through something like this. Lean on others, do what you have to do to bring light back into your life. And do it all in that precious Lola's name. I'll pray for you and Lola, may the good Lord keep and bless you both, until you meet again.
PS I hope you don't mind, but I've come to think of you as family, you have been grieving for only a short time now, months instead of years, comfort WILL come in time. We are more like cats than we think, we too don't like change, and it takes a LONG time to get use to it. I lost my enjoyment in everything that used to bring me joy. But you know what? It is starting to come again, but it has been years in the making. Everything worth having takes hard work, and this is the hardest I've been through!

 

[Antonio65]

di and bob ,
parts of your last post come right out of my mind, as you were reading my thoughts! That's amazing!

In these days I've been constantly thinking about Lola, but as you can imagine, all thoughts were focused on her last weeks. Of course I thank her for changing my life, she made my life better for sure. There have been many moments of pure enjoyment between us and, because of her, I met new people. Unfortunately, though, at the moment the memories of the sufferings that she had and what I've been through in her last months overwhelm most of, if not all, the good memories. That are not gone and forgotten, they are only hidden, buried under the sadness. One day they will dig their way up to the light, but it seems way too soon now.

Too many things around me remind me of her last weeks/months. A song, a sound, a smell, a color, an object in the house, or something outside the house, you name it. They're all connected to her and her suffering.
Just to give you a few examples. The clinic where I took Lola to for the radiation therapy is in a small town near a city called Bologna. That area is famous for the wonderful cuisine, the motor industry and for the dozens singers that we have in our music. So, a simple dish of food typical of that area, the name of one of those singers, one of their songs, can bring my mind back to those days! The town where the clinic is, is the hometown of the inventor or the radio (Marconi). His name is everywhere in this country, his town had been renamed after him, this year was the 80th anniversary from his death. It's even too easy to hear anything about him and think of the place where I and Lola were. We were there twice, in November 2011 and October 2016, both times the trees on the hills around that town were changing their colors. Whenever I see a tree with leaves going orange/yellow I think of that place. Everytime I listen to the radio and one of those singers/songs are broadcast I feel like I was there. That area has a very distinctive accent, impossible to be mistaken, almost impossible for them to hide when they speak. Too often I hear that accent on TV and radio, too often I think of that town. I still use items that were for Lola, like a small cup that I'm using to add extra water in Pallina's wet food. That was a cup for the hypercaloric broth for Lola when she was sick. I think of her every time I prepare Pallina's bowl. I'm not ashamed to say that in a semi-hidden corner of the kitchen room, on the wall, there's a tiny spot of the liquid food that I gave Lola with her syringe. She used to shake her head while eating with the syringe, drops of liquid food would fly all over. I had to clean afterwards. One day a tiny drop landed in that corner, it's still there and I don't have the courage to wipe it away. At the end of my street there's a pole for a signpost, that is the pole where Lola would walk up to when I took her out with her leash, that is the pole where she would turn to go back home.

Like you say, it could take months or years to recover to a decent quality of life.
I have lost the joy of life, nothing entertains me, nothing wakes up my interest, everything around me seems dull, boring, empty, meaningless. I have no incentives in doing something. And when I do something, I do it without enthusiasm.
I don't even care for myself.

I know that Lola wouldn't like to see me this way, with this pain. But I just can't help it.
One day I will keep my head up again and probably smile, but now I just want to look down. I know I will feel better, it happened before, I came out of it before. I only need time. Probably this time it will take longer because the bond was strong, we lived together for many years and I looked after her for a long long time, we suffered together.

Yes, we're like cats. I always say this of myself. I'm a true cat inside, I like to lie in the sun, I'd rather stay alone or with very few and known people around, I don't like loud noises, I don't like change, I like my routine, everyday the same things at the same time, I like to do what I want and what I feel like, don't like to be ordered or governed. And I have a strong communication with cats, mine, stray and ferals, maybe because I often think like they do. One of the many vets who know me once told me that she had rarely seen a person with such an influence on cats like me.

Thanks for your beautiful words and for taking the time to write such a long post to try to help me. Thanks!