My Sweet Lola is at the Rainbow Bridge

[Mia6]

Well,

It sounds as though Lola had a talk with Palina and told her she had to be a good girl for
mom and dad. Maybe you can put her medical things away but keep out a few of her
favorite toys or blankets.

You had such a strong bond with her and so many years together. It will take time
to grieve. We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Mia

 

[Antonio65]

Mia, I think I will soon put away all of her meds, syringes and fluids. And her bowls and mat too.
Unfortunately her blankets and beds are in too poor conditions to be stored as they are. My sweet and poor Lola used to pee during her sleep in her last weeks, so that kind of items would need washing and cleaning.
Sadly Lola never played with any toy at all. She was very quiet and contemplative, playing wasn't an important thing in her life. I bought several toys to tempt her in playing, but they all failed. The top of her happiness was me at her side, or her on my lap, this was what made her life full and complete. When I wasn't at home she would just sleep, waiting for my return.

Last night I woke up with a bit of stuffed nose and I soon thought of Lola who had a constant running nose as an outcome from her first radiation therapy in 2011. She needed frequent cleaning of her nose, especially in the morning. I was feeling just like she was, my heart was breaking.
This morning I was going to cry again
I'm crying while I'm typing this...

 

[Mia6]

Awwwww,,,,,I feel for your Antonio,

She has only been gone such a short time so of course tears will come often.
You two were so close, what they call simpatico.

Maybe over the weekend you and your wife can get out and about for a bit.
Go for a drive and eat at a nice restaurant?

I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Hugs,

Mia

 

[zed xyzed]

my heart breaks for you, you gave so much of yourself to Lola and her well being

 

[kittylove53]

I know just how heartbroken both of you are!I cry everyday at different times when I think about Omelette.I finally have a pic of her for my avatar.Now everyone can see her.I totally understand that you will be crying over Lola for sometime. It is normal to grieve.I will never stop feeling the way I am,and that is okay also.You can not help how you feel.I know that Lola, and Omelette would not want us to be feeling this bad,but they know how much we loved them and they are watching us.They are still with us,but we just catch glimpses of they out of the corners of our eyes.One night I was watching a movie when I saw a shadow run over my lap.I knew it was Omelette letting me know she was still around.I called out to her,so she knows that I will always be here for her.I am sending out hugs to both of you,and to Lola.

 

[Antonio65]

Yesterday morning I burst into a desperate crying because I felt her loss so much. This morning I kept staring her empty spot on the couch, I still can't believe it!
Omelette was such a beauty, a tortie like Lola. They are surely playing together, they have much in common.
Hugs to you!

 

[dorymb]

Mia, I think I will soon put away all of her meds, syringes and fluids. And her bowls and mat too.
Unfortunately her blankets and beds are in too poor conditions to be stored as they are. My sweet and poor Lola used to pee during her sleep in her last weeks, so that kind of items would need washing and cleaning.
Sadly Lola never played with any toy at all. She was very quiet and contemplative, playing wasn't an important thing in her life. I bought several toys to tempt her in playing, but they all failed. The top of her happiness was me at her side, or her on my lap, this was what made her life full and complete. When I wasn't at home she would just sleep, waiting for my return.

Last night I woke up with a bit of stuffed nose and I soon thought of Lola who had a constant running nose as an outcome from her first radiation therapy in 2011. She needed frequent cleaning of her nose, especially in the morning. I was feeling just like she was, my heart was breaking.
This morning I was going to cry again
I'm crying while I'm typing this...

So very sorry for your grief. Each feline has their own personality and specialness. Just as in our own human relationships, we only truly bond with a few.I know how painful it can be. Seems nothing can make the pain in your heart go away. Time is the only healer, and unfortunately we can't fast forward though I so wish I could. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Antonio65]

So very sorry for your grief. Each feline has their own personality and specialness. Just as in our own human relationships, we only truly bond with a few.I know how painful it can be. Seems nothing can make the pain in your heart go away. Time is the only healer, and unfortunately we can't fast forward though I so wish I could. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks Dorymb, very appreciated.
It seems you have been there too, I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Antonio65]

Last night, 6 weeks after she went to the Rainbow Bridge, my Lola came into my dreams.
"Finally!" I should say, but I am not happy about it.
It was a very short dream, probably I woke up suddenly and it ended abruptly. In my dream she was walking on the curb on the opposite side of the road from me. I saw her and she turned to me, but kept walking. She kept walking while looking at me to make sure I wasn't following her.
Her eyes were sullen and filled with resentment, she was clearly upset and bad at me.
She kept walking until she disappeared.
I'm feeling so sad today
Hasn't she forgiven me?

 

[meelasmom]

Oh Antonio, I feel for you. Don't read too much into that dream. That may be more of you sub conscience than her contacting you. It will come eventually. You are like me right now, harboring guilt. I believe Meela was on my bed again the other night. I felt the light jump and foot steps. I asked if she was there and told her, "ok, just lay down and go to sleep" as I was falling asleep myself.

I was doing better until last night. It all hit me again. I haven't had any dreams about Meela nor has she come to me in my dreams. I'm not sure what it means, but I feel like it's just the right time. I really believe when she does come through it will be her running to me, happy to see me...I hope.

I miss my baby as much as you miss Lola. We will get through this horrible time of our lives. It just feels like we are stuck, at least I feel that way.

I find myself talking to her a lot lately or about her. I am really trying to remember all the happy times and the quirky things she did, but then instead of being happy, I become sad and find myself breaking down again. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Again, I truly believe with all the pain and heartache, these cats are going to wait until they feel it's the right moment to reach out and comfort us. I don't know why it's taking so long, but I am sure they have their reasons. I don't think it's anger towards us. If Meela was mad at me, she wouldn't be coming to my bed. But that doesn't change my guilt of what did. I acted in fear and without proof that the decision I made was the only one left. It will haunt me forever.

You didn't. You didn't feel you had any other choice. She can't be mad about that..especially when you did it out of love. "If our love could have saved our babies, they would live forever." I love that quote. Hugs

 

[Antonio65]

Buon Compleanno, dolcissima Lola, mi manchi da morire!
Happy Birthday, my sweet Lola, I miss you to death!

Today Lola would have been 17... Every year on her birthday she would receive a special meal, many more kisses and cuddles and lots of special love.
My heart is aching, I'm still drowning in my own tears

Lola, ti ho sempre amato e ti amerò per sempre!
Lola, I always loved you and I always will!

 

[Antonio65]

Today is 8 weeks since Lola went to the Bridge and I still haven't raised from my desperation.
This morning I felt so void, I was missing her, I was missing everything of her. I was missing her constant presence at my side, her gentle and delicately rough meow, her kind request for food. But also I was missing the days when she was sick, when I had to syringe feed her, when I had to give her her meds, when I had to clean her up and change the puppy pad in her bed four times a day, when I had to rinse her nose because the mucus had dried up inside her nostrils and she had a hard time breathing, when I had to give her a sub-q.
I was missing the huge amount of time that I would dedicate to her every single day. Now I have lots of time for me and it seems to me that I'm wasting it. With Lola I was using my time for the best and worthiest of the missions.
I am misisng everything of her, the good and the bad things, the good and the bad days.

I have bought a nice cloth storage box and put in it all her things. Her bowls and bowl mat, her meds and supplements, (I want to remember what she went through, poor angel), the PEG tube she had in her stomach when she returned from the radiation therapy, her three cat shirts that I had bought from Amazon to protect the PEG tube, her syringes (both new and the last used ones), the nebulizer machine that I had bought specifically for her, her harness and leash, her towels that I used to rub her dry after a bath, two roll of papers with her fur inside, two cans of her syringeable food, and some other things.
Her red velvet collar has been put into the ashes urn.

I still can't get through this, I still can't raise my head

 

[dorymb]

In time your pain will lesson. Time does heal, but when the love is very strong, it takes a longer time. It helps to come here and write down your feelings I know it helps me. Sending you hugs.

 

[zed xyzed]

I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss, you gave everything you had and more to your sweet girl. My thoughts are with you.

 

[meelasmom]

Antonio, I know exactly how you feel. I wish i had a magic wand to wave over the pain or bring our babies back. I would do it in a heartbeat! I was doing a bit better until two days ago (see my Meela thread). I am sending you hugs because I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. It's a loss. It's something you will overcome in time. I am glad you were able to pack up her stuff. To me, keeping all that together (I did the same) is a tribute to them. It's memories good and bad stored together. I haven't been able to open up Meela's and don't expect to for a very long time. But one day, I hope to. It's a sacred tin for me. Hugs to you!!!!

 

[Antonio65]

Today, May 30, is a double commemoration for my sweet Lola.
On May 30, 2000, I found her along with her brother in a cardboard box under a bush. They were 10-15 days old, tiny and blind, I had to bottle feed them. Today woud have been her 17th anniversary of life with me.
Today is also two months since she crossed and I still cry when I think of her and when I look at her pictures.
I can't believe it, I can't believe she's not with me anymore
She was so beautiful, I used to say it to her every single day, more times a day, I would tell her that she was the most beautiful cat in the world, that no cat more beautiful than her had ever existed before and no cat more beautiful than her would have ever existed after her, I would kiss her all over, I would hug her tight. I would have hugged her for ever, I would have smelled her forever.
I wished she lived forever
Lola, I still love you, you were the joy of my life. I was so proud of you, you were in my thought from the first second I woke up in the morning to the last second when I fell asleep.
I love you!

 

[meelasmom]

Despite the pain, you need to try to remember all those happy and special memories. You were a good dad! And I am sure she misses you and loved you very much. I am trying to do that myself. It's not unusual or wrong for you to cry. I call it suffering in silence. it's 8 weeks - 2 months today for me. You will get through this!! Lola wouldn't want you to be sad all the time would she? You have to imagine her looking down from above and checking on you. Just look up at the sky, when you can, and smile - tell her you miss her and love her. I believe she will feel and hear you. (Maybe I'm crazy, but it's what I have been doing.) If she could, I am sure she would do something to help you. Your sign will come, I promise.

 

[inkysmom]

You did the best thing for poor Lola. On November 2 2004 my beautiful brown tabby Pepper died at 4am alone at the vet hospital from an oral squamous cell carcinoma. He'd been given one month to live and I took him to a holistic vet and he had much of his jaw removed through at least 2 surgeries and lots of special soft feedings and medicating and lived 9 months. I treasured every day with that beautiful cat I found as a stray kitten who bonded to me from the beginning so strongly that he didn't want me to leave to go to work so would jump out the second story window of my dorm every day when I left. Luckily he'd land in bushes and was fine. 2 months after he died my gorgeous orange tabby 20 year old cat died that I'd had since I was 11 and snuck into my college dorm with me.
Yesterday my beloved 15 year old feral car died from cancer that I'd tamed. He had many medical problems and like you describe I'd spent every day for the past two years managing his diabetes, food intake for insuli, vet visits, chronic infections, stomatitis, otitis and cleaning his ears and giving him drops and monitoring him constantly. The past 6 months he had 4 surgeries for cancer, ears, abscesses, infection complications, then rechecks, chemotherapy, and was going to the hospital every other day and being admitted a lot. I visited daily for at least an hour or more whenever he was in the hospital. Multiple medications twice or more a day, bandage changes, tumors bleeding everywhere and cleaning blood. He was the constant focus of every day. Slept on my head or next to me resting his little chin on my cheek purring like a motor. I'd wake up all night and morning to check on him.

I've had 9 cats, 2 dogs, 1 horse, many family members and my mom die and sometimes I get dreams and visits and sometimes I dont. Sometimes I get amazing loving dreams months or years later sometomes I have awful dreams of my mom and I fighting and saying terrible things to each other. Then I have beautiful dreams of her telling me loving good things. The night my horse died I dreamed I was riding him through the most beautiful vivid green pastures ever imaginable and we were effortlessly jumping awesome jumps and he was so happy and joyous. He was showing me his heaven. I believe he came back the night before I went to buy my next horse and picked her for me because I rode him through this strange winding mountain I'd never seen before but was exactly in my dream as it turned out the next day when I actually went there. I've had many dream visits with him over the years.
None with my Pepper cat, none with my last dog who truly was like a soul mate and died over a year ago. Some with my first cat. None with more recent losses. Maybe they're still figuring out Heaven and the rainbow bridge and maybe we're still blocked with fresh grief and mixed emotions. Maybe they can sense our anger and regrets and are frightened and stay away. Dreams with negativity could be us processing our fears and doubts and not how they really feel.

 

[meelasmom]

Thinking of you Antonio. I truly hope the pain has somewhat lessened and you are doing a little better. You haven't posted in a while and I was thinking about you and Lola.

 

[Antonio65]

Today it's three months without Lola!
In these three months I have been thinking of her every single day. And I've been waiting for her to come into my dreams.
An she did. She visited my dreams three times in the past weeks and in one of them she told me she was fine and perfectly healthy, with no pain, troubles, diseases.
I saw her, I looked at her in my dream and she was as beautiful as ever, only in much better conditions. She was full of life and looked younger. But she was still sweet and discreet and elegant as she was in her real life.
I'm still crying when I talk about her or when I say her name, or when I write about her.

One of the best things that happened to me lately is that two days ago I received a letter from the clinic where Lola was treated with the radiation therapy, both for her nasal cancer and for her oral cancer.
I thought it was an envelope with the invoice for the expenses of the last treatment. I'm paying it monthly, this is the last month, so I thought it was the invoice.
When I opened it I found a wonderful surprise. It was an elegant letter in a scroll type, a tribute from the staff of that cllinic. Lola's name was written on top of it, and there were wonderful words on how I have to remember her in her good days. And the letter was signed off by all the staff.
I couldn't believe my eyes. I knew that Lola had stolen their hearts, but I couldn't imagine that they were so touched by her death.
I remember how sweet they were to her, the deep dedication and love they showed to her, the special treatments she received at the clinic. The head of staff would call me every Friday evening when Lola was still at home with us after the last radiotherapy to know how she was doing. He would call me around 6:30 pm and once he told me that he was calling me at the end of the day, the last one of many other calls, because he had a special feeling for me and Lola and wanted to dedicated us as long time as possible. In one of those calls I heard his voice break for sadness about Lola conditions.
I always thought they were a great clinic and great persons, but I couldn't imagine they were so special. I think that they loved Lola nearly as much as I did, they were so humane.
I thanked them right away with a nice email. I'm so grateful I met them on my way.

I will frame that letter and will hang it on the wall. Lola would love it. She was so much loved by many.

Lola, I love you!