The "what's On Your Mind?" Thread -2018

[Alicia88]

Well, I worked my butt off to get this place spotless and they barely walked in the door. They sprayed in the water heater closet and the bathroom and left. I hid Mickey in the bedroom, hoping they wouldn't go in there since John was sleeping after working til midnight. A neighbor told me they don't go in the bedrooms. Now I can relax.

 

[Willowy]

That's good. I know a girl who lives in an assisted-rent building that has inspections. She didn't take the trash out for 3 months and didn't empty the diaper pail. . .it was disgusting. She failed the inspection (and the baby, who is her nephew, was removed from her care, but for a different reason) but they gave her a few days to clean up; it wasn't an automatic eviction. And she did, and still lives there.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's all they're looking for, to make sure you aren't living in squalor, but I know some landlords are pickier so it's best not to assume until you know what yours are like. Glad to hear they aren't too demanding!

 

[Alicia88]

The neighbors weren't sure what to expect either because it was a new person doing it. The last person retired.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I passed my final

Of course you did, but anyway!

If Aedan had to spit up on the clean laundry, couldn't he have hit stuff I hadn't folded yet instead of making my work irrelevant? Lol

LOL, I had two of those, less than a year apart, and in a word...no.

SO...I emptied out the Secret Feral Shelter today, and sprayed all of the bedding with Precor 2000. Once the sun goes down and it is a bit cooler, I'll take it all to the laundry room and wash it. And take the trash out. And feel SO accomplished!

 

[Alicia88]

An old friend of mine has thyroid cancer. We graduated high school together. A few months ago, she had surgery but last week, they said it was back. So, our graduating class is getting together and doing a benefit yardsale for her. We're also going to try to get shirts made and sell them, collect donations, and maybe do a raffle of some kind. We're kinda trying to throw this together quickly. Every 4th of July, Sally Mountain Park has a bluegrass event and Rhonda Vincent sings. I don't know if anyone has heard of her. She's been on the Grand Ole Oprey a few times. She's not Reba McIntyre famous, but she's pretty well known. My friend is her cousin. We're hoping that using the connection will help us raise more money. She's married to someone in the Air Force so her medical expenses are covered, but that's only a fraction of it. Cancer treatments can be draining. Some extra money might allow her to hire someone to help her around the house, take care of her daughter, or even fly family out to be with her. I was married to a Marine - I know how hard it is to be far away from all your family and friends. If you pray, would you add her to your prayers? Her name is Alyssa.

 

[arouetta]

I am so sorry.

Back when I was a military dependent a lot of the families with disabled children were able to qualify for Medicaid to cover what Champus didn't. She might qualify. There's also state funded respite care in most states, and being on Medicaid usually qualifies a person automatically.

Edit: I forgot, being on Medicaid also qualified kids for SSI, so your friend could possibly get either SSI or SSDI. That will be a little extra money, and it's tax free.

 

[Alicia88]

The military will cover 100% of the medical expenses. It's just the other stuff that she might need to get through it with her sanity intact. She can use the money for anything she wants - a housekeeper, a spa day to relax with her daughter, a vacation after she beats it, or whatever. It's just a little something to show her we care and to help make things easier for her I think I'm also gonna mail her a get well card and a Starbucks gift card or something.

 

[arouetta]

Encourage her or her husband to check into SSI/SSDI. By SSI rules, all that money could be put towards rent/utilities and the household income can then be used to pay for other stuff, like a weekly cleaner or a spa day.

 

[Alicia88]

I'll suggest that. Thanks.
She doesn't know we're doing any of this. We created a Facebook group for our graduating class to plan it and we're going to surprise her.

 

[Margret]

Rest in peace, Koko . Koko The Gorilla Dies; Redrew The Lines Of Animal-Human Communication.

I remember reading an article written by a reporter whose mother was deaf. The reporter described talking with Koko in sign language and suddenly realizing that a member of another species was communicating with him in his cradle tongue!

Margret

 

[Alicia88]

Awwww. RIP Koko.

 

[Alicia88]

I feel like I need to call my mom and apologize for every time my sisters and l fought over toys or clothes. Aislyn had two big meltdowns today. Aedan was playing with one of his stuffed bears and she decided it was hers. I told her it was Aedan's but she could play with it when he was done but he had it first. So then she got mad because she doesn't have one like it. It's a Harley Davidson bear John's uncle bought him when he was born. So even if I wanted to reward the tantrum by getting her one - which I don't - I wouldn't know where to get one.
Second tantrum. It's chilly today so I put Aedan in long sleeves. Aislyn outgrew all the long sleeved shirts we had for her and it's summer so we didn't buy more. So I put her in a cute sweater. She threw a fit because she doesn't have a blue long sleeved shirt like Aedan.
I'm sorry for venting so much, but if her mother would discipline her once in a while, I wouldn't have to constantly be the "evil stepmother." Yesterday, all I hard was my mom this, my mom that. My mom doesn't make me pick up my toys. My mom lets mine have candy whenever I want. My mom doesn't make me eat my vegetables. My mom doesn't make me dressed if we aren't going anywhere. My mom lets me eat dessert first. My mom doesn't make me eat ast the table. My mom doesn't make me take naps. My mom lets me stay up as long as I want. And on and on. I'm being firm and sticking to our rules, but it's just so frustrating. I'm not even sure I believe all of it. I think it's just become her go-to line. Surely her mom didn't tell her she doesn't have to wash her hands after going potty!
And every time she doesn't get her way, she starts crying. So I send her to her room until she's ready to stop. I feel like I'm constantly fighting with her! I hate it. We should be getting to the end of this soon, but it's exhausting. I'd like to play with her and enjoy her being here. Instead I feel like I'm constantly on her case. But I don't feel like any of our rules are unreasonable. And she's definitely old enough to pick up her own toys. She thinks it's unfair that Aedan doesn't have to.
Anyway, sorry if my vents are getting annoying.

 

[Willowy]

I realize I'm not neurotypical, I was a weird kid. And I've never raised kids, and although I've done my share of babysitting it's not the same.

But. . .usually tantrums happen when someone feels insecure, and doesn't feel like they have control over their own life. That feeling of control is an important feeling, even for little kids. Is there a way to help her feel more control over her life? I used to have good results with something like "nope, we're not going to do that/that isn't allowed here, but how about we do this instead, what do you think?" so they could feel like they weren't helpless. I HATED that helpless feeling when I was a kid (OK, now too), and really resent anybody who makes me feel helpless.

I also feel that punishing/shaming the display of feelings (by sending her to her room for crying) is probably a really bad idea. I have some major issues with suppressing my emotions now because of that. Do you think there's some way to validate her feelings without giving in to every demand? Feelings are always valid, even if what we want isn't reasonable.

Anyhoo, just a few thoughts from someone who was a meltdown-prone kid, I don't mean any offense .

 

[Alicia88]

I'm not taking offense. I'll take any advice. Step parenting is so different from regular parenting because her rules change every time she goes between parents.
I do my best to give her a sense of control. I'll give her options and let her choose what I make for dinner. I lay out several outfits, depending on the weather, and let her choose what to wear. I let her decide if she wants to brush her teeth before or after she puts on her pajamas and I tell her she can get ready for bed before or after picking up toys. I don't ask if she wants to pick up toys because if she says no, I have to override her. I give her at least two options that we can both live with.
As for the crying, it's not upset crying, it's manipulative crying to get her way. If she's sad or upset or scared, I'll talk to her and find out why. If she's just crying to get her way and won't talk to me, I send her to her room to cool off so we can try again. She does the crying thing every time she comes here but after a while of me not giving in to it, she stops doing that. But we have to start from scratch every time.

 

[kashmir64]

I doubt her mom lets her get away with all these things. She's testing you. This is how children learn. If she can get away with it once, then she's got you. Don't give in.

However, I also don't believe you should send her to her room for crying, even if it is manipulative. Unless it's a full blown tantrum. You should just make her do things, and if she cries, she cries. Ignore it. Sending her to her room is still getting a response from you and makes you feel bad (in her eyes). Once she figures out that you aren't responding to her manipulative tears, she will quit.
She's jealous and trying to get your attention. Be glad she hasn't been acting out (yet).

 

[Alicia88]

Thanks, I'll try just ignoring it instead of sending her to her room. Maybe that will get us through the adjustment period more quickly. She's really not a bad kid. She's just really frustrating me lately.

 

[Lari]

I'm not a step-parent, but I am a preschool teacher and it's easy to see what they do to get what they want at home. Ignoring doesn't work for every kid, but so long as the tantrum is safe (like she's not knocking over chairs or doing something that could hurt someone else), it works for most.

And I've talked to my students many times about different rules for different places. "Oh you eat in front of the tv at home? That's cool, but here at school the rule is to eat at the table." Not judging how it's done there, because kids get very defensive if you imply their parents are wrong about anything (even when they totally are), but just being consistent about "this is how it's done here".

 

[Alicia88]

Yeah, I don't say her mom is wrong. I just say we have different rules and this isn't her mom's house. The table thing is one of the hardest, probably because we didn't have room for a table before so that's a completely new rule.

 

[Margret]

I'm not even sure I believe all of it. I think it's just become her go-to line.

Of course it's her go-to line. It probably works - elsewhere, like at her best friend's house.

She thinks it's unfair that Aedan doesn't have to.

Anyway, sorry if my vents are getting annoying.

They aren't. Aislyn is the one who's annoying, not you.

Thanks, I'll try just ignoring it instead of sending her to her room. Maybe that will get us through the adjustment period more quickly. She's really not a bad kid. She's just really frustrating me lately.

I've seen a small child, on an easy hike, fall down. She wasn't hurt, but began crying. I was worried at first, because the child's mother was ignoring her cries, but then the mother pointed out the sidelong glances the child was giving, checking to see whether the adults were paying attention. The crying was entirely theatrical, nothing to do with actual pain, and the mother knew it.

Yeah, I don't say her mom is wrong. I just say we have different rules and this isn't her mom's house. The table thing is one of the hardest, probably because we didn't have room for a table before so that's a completely new rule.

Perhaps you can get Aislyn to help you plan a special meal, to celebrate getting a table? Something that makes the table a special place. Also, it's worth pointing out that you need to be at the table because it's the easiest place to feed Aedan, and you would feel deprived if you had to have dinner without Aislyn. Family meals with Aislyn are one of the highlights of her visits to you, after all!

Margret

 

[Alicia88]

I'll try that. I'll take get grocery shopping and let her pick out dinner. Maybe even make a cake for dessert.
She definitely tries using crying for attention. Yesterday, I was nursing Aedan on the couch next to her and he started kicking his little feet cuz babies do that. He kicked her and she started crying. Of course it didn't hurt. He's 5 months old! His kicks don't have any force behind them! It was close to bedtime and she gets super whiny when she's tired. That's why I still make her take naps. If I don't, she's just impossible.