The "what's On Your Mind?" Thread -2018

[arouetta]

I feel bad. I feel bad for not recognizing that a kid was simply having difficulties. I feel bad for thinking the worst of the mother.

I was in the restroom and I heard a child screaming. This wasn't a bratty scream, these were screams of pain and terror. I actually wondered if there was a sexual assault happening in the stall. Mostly wordless screams but sometimes "no", but never anything referring to a parent or other caregiver which I was listening for.

When I finished my business I called out "Is everything okay?" The mother opened the stall door, they were both fully dressed which was the first thing I looked for, and said the boy is autistic. Then I understood, the toilets all have auto-flush and I know that lack of control and sudden unexpected noise can be terrifying. Especially since these toilets have a tendency to flush repeatedly while you're in there.

Still, I have a kid that was that bad off at a similar age. I should have recognized it right off. I shouldn't have been making such terrible assumptions.

 

[arouetta]

It's hard to know the intentions of my Current Events professor. I'm taking it as an online class, and one of this week's assignments is about bias. The site he sent us to had only articles complaining about liberal bias. It didn't matter which one I picked because they ALL made me angry. I can only hope he was looking for a political discussion in the comments, because that's what I gave him.

I can think of three different intentions.
- He's like some professors that take advantage of their positions to further their own personal agendas.
- He's trying to make a point about how pervasive bias is and how strong its influence is.
- He's seeing if anyone can think outside the box rather than toady up to what his intentions seem to be.

 

[Willowy]

I shouldn't have been making such terrible assumptions.

What if something bad WAS happening? Then you'd be kicking yourself for not saying/doing anything. We all have to look out for each other, and as long as you were nice to the mom once you saw things were OK, you did the right thing.

 

[Margret]

Still, I have a kid that was that bad off at a similar age. I should have recognized it right off. I shouldn't have been making such terrible assumptions.

Nonsense! Why should you have known? It very well could have been a kidnapped child, or a child being abused in some way. Without enough information you took steps to get more information, so that you could help if help was needed, which is exactly the correct response, and most parents would appreciate knowing that if their child were ever in an abusive situation in a quasi-public place there are people like you who would try to help. And that includes the parents of autistic children.

Margret

 

[arouetta]

I just feel I should have recognized the nature of the screaming.

 

[Margret]

I just feel I should have recognized the nature of the screaming.

From a child you've never met? I don't think so. I think that relying on some kind of extreme ability to deduce what a strange child is screaming about is a good way to make mistakes and miss something important.

Margret

 

[Alicia88]

It's good that you were concerned. How many kids/people could have been saved if people were willing to help instead of just saying, "none of my business?"

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Still, I have a kid that was that bad off at a similar age. I should have recognized it right off. I shouldn't have been making such terrible assumptions.

Look, I had two sons. I could recognize the type of scream I was hearing from either of them, but not necessarily from another child. Autism does not negate individuality, as you well know. HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN, for sure? And far, far better to err on the side of the angels, my Dear.

 

[LTS3]

Is there a "right" way to cut ties with someone you thought was a friend but turns out not to be? I keep getting screwed over and over again by a person who never tells me anything truthfully and takes advantage when I'm super stressed out and not thinking clearly to push and manipulate me to do things which I end up regretting. I do not want this person in my life anymore. I have not spoken or texted this person in a few weeks now. Guess I'm kind of "ghosting" already. I'm ready to block this person from texting and calling and emailing me if needed.

 

[arouetta]

There's several "right" ways. And there's several "wrong" ways. And often what is "right" for two people is "wrong" for two other people, and it can be both "right" and "wrong" at the same time.

LTS3 From what I've read in your posts, your "right" way with this person is best done by ghosting. Someone good at manipulating and pushing someone into something unwanted will only have a response right back at you when you tell her/him "We're done" that will be pushing into keeping the friendship going - guilt, promises, convincing you that you are the problem in the friendship, fast talking to keep you from thinking straight, etc. As you do seem to be unsure of yourself and passive, the person you describe will have you staying besties by the end of the conversation.

Just disappear. Don't respond to calls/emails/texts. Don't talk of that person to mutual acquaintances, and just kinda shrug and say something non-committal if someone speaks of them.

Btw, welcome back.

 

[LTS3]

I recently took this person's advice for a problem I was dealing with and it turned it out to be really bad advice that screwed me over I stopped talking to the person not long afterwards. Looking back at how long I've known this person, I now realize that every single piece of advice given was bad and everything I was told were lies.

 

[foxxycat]

Sometimes we have to just take the jump.

I will go on a limb and talk about something that most people don't want to talk about... harassment. I had this male friend who I met at a mutual place I used to frequent weekly. We got along and we helped each other out-met each others families etc. Holidays in the summer was at their house and was fun but I noticed this persons manner towards their wife was very nasty. I often spoke to him to tell him that's not how you speak to someone you love. Let's say we don't see eye to eye...well because he was helping me with something I let it go then the harassment started..kept making hints oh why don't we go to Foxwoods just you and I and all kinds of Bs which I blew off. Then this went on for 6 years? I finally one summer got fed up with his blatant sexual remarks of my body etc. I just ghosted. I talked about this to another male friend and he said why did you let it go on this long? So I did what I was scared to do. I dumped his ass.


I blocked his number, felt bad for his wife-we were close friends (she lost her son to suicide-and I felt I needed to help her) but not on the phone. His kids didn't like me and I didn't' like them because they were leeches and always sucking money out of dear old dad..but dad didn't want to hear it when I told him his 44 yr old son is old enough to live on his own...and I said well some day shoots going to hit the fan and will they help you? I got nothing but a blank stare-now maybe they didn't care but there was plenty of bills not getting paid and this person made more money than most people..which I thought he was taking advantage of his elderly parents..well I got tired of the bullshit and left.

This son and I had words in a restaurant one night and I left and walked back to their house and left. I was so angry with his treatment of his father and mother. So I dumped the entire family. I couldn't take it. The saddest part was their other son committed suicide several years before and I felt a duty to try to help them figure it out..but then it became too much for me. With the old man making the move on me and the discontent from all parties I just felt like a third wheel and I got tired of the baloney so I ghosted one summer. I left my flea market stuff at his house and never returned calls. He sent me a card a few times but finally stopped. I never followed up with them-I just hope he changes his behavior but people who are manipulative don't change. It was the first time I ever did this and I was scared but of what? no clue..anyways I am sharing so you can find the strength to do the same.

Sometimes too much bullshit is just too much...learn to walk away and find new friends. New hobbies. Or just revisit the things you like. Don't let family drama drag you in-you can't fix them. You can't make people treat you right if you don't put your foot down and don't back down. I hope you stick to your guns. There's dozens of people out there who wouldn't treat you like that so please heed us when we gently tell you good job for doing what's right for YOU LTS3

 

[arouetta]

foxxycat You touched on something that should be said to the world in general. Don't try to be someone else's therapist. Don't try to make things right for someone else emotionally. If you are not trained for professional therapy and seeing them in a clinical setting, and it's not a minor "You've vented about this 3 times, have you tried...." then you will be sucked into the same dark hole that the other person is in. Rather than bring them up you will actually end up in a similar negative mood and mentally wiped out. It's often not the person wanting to cause misery, it's that what they need is beyond what a sympathetic friend can offer and it's just emotional overload.

 

[foxxycat]

maybe so-but I still believe friendship is better than a therapist. lets face it-they are paid to listen to our insane BS. It just doesn't feel right to air out my dirty laundry to some stranger who has a big degree in some school...when I find so much better guidence from friends and coworkers who have walked the similiar paths in life..so I see what you mean but I don't see it as emotional overload-everyone is at a different path in healing. Some take years. Some take months. I rather see people form friendships and try to form a support group to help...that to me is more helpful than a therapist.

Had this lady not had her annoying husband then maybe it could work-but I just had to walk away from the entire situation. It wasn't healthy for any of us=they were going to therapy and just proves if someone has no respect for people-a therapist isn't going to change them...but I was trying to use this as an example to show Ghosting can be done. It's been done to me so many times. I don't care anymore. I guess I got a shell around this heart and I learned to not let things hurt anymore. It's not worth the energy and walking away has become easier for me after each episode of drama....

 

[arouetta]

Friendship is helpful, yes. But we often don't have the tools to get the other person to pull out of that dark place. We don't know how to get them right without making ourselves bad off. We also don't have the emotional disconnect that also helps prevent being sucked in, we love too much and that pulls us in like a vacuum.

If someone is taking years to heal despite a great friend listening and suggesting stuff, then it flat out is too much for the friend to deal with. Also, it could be the friend suggesting the wrong stuff to do. A professional counselor would know how to work with the person to shorten the healing process and make things mentally right more quickly, rather than keeping that person moving at a snail's pace with the lack of advice or even the wrong advice.

 

[NewYork1303]

Tomorrow we're headed to our dog breeder's house to visit with the puppies again and take our sweet boy on a coffee date. He is getting so handsome.

 

[kashmir64]

I recently took this person's advice for a problem I was dealing with and it turned it out to be really bad advice that screwed me over I stopped talking to the person not long afterwards. Looking back at how long I've known this person, I now realize that every single piece of advice given was bad and everything I was told were lies.

I'm a little confused. Bad advice is just that...advice. You don't have to take it. Sorry if this seems harsh, but if you take advice without weighing the pros and cons first, then that is on you. Not all people make good decisions and it's up to you to decide whether you want to follow them. A solid friendship will not be harmed if you decide to do something else.
Lying on the other hand, is a deal breaker for me. I may forgive a small lie, but if it happens again, that person is no longer my friend.

I would not ghost your friend if it's a long time friendship. I would, however, let the person know that if he/she lies to you again, the friendship is over. (if that's what you want to do)

 

[Mamanyt1953]

When a person becomse toxic in your life, you have every right to end it in whatever way you see fit, although I never advocate cruelty or rudeness (although sometimes it takes plainspeaking that borders on it). Do as you must for your own peace of mind, LTS3 . That's all you can do.

I'm twitchy today. I need to do something, but can't think what it might be.

 

[Alicia88]

Yesterday, I had my first experience with a negative reaction to breastfeeding. Aedan and I went to my friend's son's baseball game and he got hungry. Naturally, I fed him. He won't eat with a blanket over his head, but I was still discreet and didn't have everything hanging out. His head had me completely covered. My sister noticed someone pointing and staring. She was walking away by the time DD came over to tell me about it. It really annoyed more that I didn't get the opportunity to say something. It's completely natural and best for him and I refuse to be embarrassed or ashamed.

 

[arouetta]

So I opened a window for Midway today as he seems to have lost the desire to squeeze through a 3 inch window opening and take off down the shared yards. He sat there and watched and watched. I then took him outside and he ate grass like he's become a vegetarian. I had one scary moment where he saw the movement of a car in the parking lot and looked like he might have been thinking of running in that direction.

Hubby got home, I took Midway out again so hubby could see it (and Midway ate grass). We decided to get him a harness and leash so we could have control over him outside, which means outside more often. Got there, realized I probably should have measured his girth as all the harnesses were measured that way. Then I found a harness and bungee leash combo that was marked for cats up to 20 pounds. Midway is around 15 pounds, so it seemed like a good fit.

Got home and it wasn't a good fit. Midway is too thick for it. I measured his girth. Roughly 17 inches. I had to go back and get the harness that fits cats up to 40 pounds.

I took him out once I got that one fitted. And he ate grass. Then he actually walked to the door to be let in. Just a few minutes after we came back inside, he puked up all that grass, inside, on the carpet.