No Bond My With My Cat, Grief And The Idea Of Another Cat...

[1 bruce 1]

K Kflowers (is that how tagging works?) - Thank you. Yes, I hate how everyone tells me to move on. I makes me feel weird and wrong and like it isnt normal what I do. But I can't move on right now - there's too much tears I still need to cry.
So do you mean that I should NOT try to bond with him because it will come naturally once I am ready or that I should accept that my bf will give him the attention he needs and I will be fine with not having to bond with him ever?
Im sorry - im not a native english speaker, sometimes I need to clarify..

If someone tells you to move on, it's just a sad fact for them that they've never had a pet like Kurt who meant so much to you.
You're not a monster, as others have said, you're still grieving and that's perfectly fine and normal. It sounds like he was a sweetheart, a lap cat, and the new kid isn't...yet!
Our own Queen Bee was practically hand reared by us and it took her a whopping 6-7 years before she accepted being held. (Now, she can't get enough of it and drives us crazy ) It was worth the wait. She's almost obnoxiously affectionate now at 11 years old and follows me around like a little dog.
I wouldn't "not" try to bond with her in that you ignore her needs, but do as the others said, provide the basic care, talk nice to him, and don't push petting him or holding him. The goal is for him to see you as someone who is comfortable, reliable, and trustworthy.
This is one of those things that's easier to say than to do but do your best to NOT compare him to Kurt at all. Its hard, Kurt wouldn't have bitten/scratched/hissed, and that can intensify that feeling of just not really liking him right now. It won't happen over night, but just do your best
You're a kind soul. Kind souls feel losses very strongly. It's hard, but it's not a bad trait at all It'll get better, you'll see. Just give it time, and give yourself time to heal

 

[inkysmom]

I've had many cats and I loved all of them and felt different levels of bonds with some then others.
I went through a similar situation with my current dog and my last dog. The minute I saw my last dog in the shelter and our eyes met I felt a strong connection. He was so sad and depressed. He just lay in the back if the kennel. At ten months old he'd been given away by two homes. My mom was with me and told me he looked sick and not to take him because he'd die and I'd be sad. He was so quiet when all the others were barking. I hate yippy obnoxious Barkers so that was perfect. I took him outside and let him loose in the run and he was so exuberant and happy! Not sick at all. He had no manners, was large, strong and untrained and had a zest for life that no one could match. He was my heart dog, my soulmate from that first moment.

He was perfect. Oh he was wild. He knocked me down and dragged me across the sand the first day at the beach because be was scared of the ocean. He ran into me playing with another dog and dislocated my knee, then chewed up my knee brace. He was aggressive to other dogs. He bit a few people over the years. Very protective. He ate my car and countless cell phone headsets and chargers. He NEEDED two hours of running and play daily or good luck. I never bothered to train him to walk on the leash because he was perfect from day one loose. Never left my side. I could call him off a deer or squirrel mid leap from on my horse and he'd race back. He helped me with my horses he protected me he comforted me he went everywhere with me he knew my soul without a word. He never threatened my cats. He loved people and was the life of the party everywhere we went. Three years later I still get social media messages and pictures of him and people I barely know telling me how much they miss him and he helped them get through a tough time in their lives from one meeting or helped them overcome their lifelong fear of dogs. When we got somewhere he arrived and it was party time! He was always exuberant to meet and greet everyone like his very best long lost friend with not just his tail but his whole butt wagging exuberantly and his whole energy level on high and him licking everyone's face off in pure joy. He lived every second with pure joy. He jumped huge horse jumps, taught my young horse how to jump, defended me from an aggressive German Shepherd about to attack me twice his size. He sprang and pinned her by the throat til her owner came, didn't hurt her just let her know not to hurt me. Caught my horse who ran away and held him til I caught up. Just trained himself to be perfect. He kept joy in my life daily.
When he got a degenerative spinal disease with no cure and had trouble walking I was devastated. He couldn't run and jump. I spent five months taking him to specialists, giving him meds, carrying him when necessary on bad days, putting him through MRIs and anesthesia, going to the ER, acupuncture, physical therapy, cared for him full time crying and praying for a miracle daily and pleading for him to get better.
The last two days I was fighting with the vet who I didn't agree with. When he died I was devastated and felt like I'd died too. It was almost as bad as when my mom died. Except he'd been a huge part of every second of my life. Everywhere I went, every part of my apartment, my car, the stable.

I got my current dog a month later. I was so used to having a dog. I had my dog from age ten months to just under twelve years. I live in an interesting neighborhood (worse part back then) and worked late and went out late and feel safer having a large dog especially trying to find parking late at night.
I looked online and at several shelters and rescues but none were right and the ones I did apply for I wasn't selected. I didn't want any dog except mine anyway but I felt like I'd be safer and give one a home. I also knew that I'd miss my beloved heart dog forever and never replace him. I still miss him daily and cried typing this.
One dog in one shelter arrived right after my dog died and stayed those few weeks. He kept popping up and kind of fit my general criteria except he was older than what I wanted at sixteen months. He was black, lab and germGe Shepherd mix. I love black animals and after having an Akita pitbull mix for so long I was tired of all the negative stereotypes and stigma. Plus I had to move in a few months and a lab mix would be easier to find an apartment with. My last dog was brindle and white and I wanted a dog completely different so I wouldnt be reminded and compare them.
So I looked at him. He was the problem dog in the shelter, had also had two homes, was an anxious unhealthy mess, had to be separated on a whole different floor and couldn't get through twenty minutes in basic obedience class. They required obedience class to adopt him and said he'd kill my cats and was difficult.
I took this demon dog out and he was fine and quiet. No training but didn't do anything bad. I felt no connection at all but felt sorry for him and he was beautiful. I took him back and said I'd take him. They made me come back the next day to spend more time with him to see his true nature since he was never calm for anyone. I came back he was still fine I said I'd take him and they tried again to stop me because they said he'd kill my cats. I argued and took him home.
My last dog and I had a long drive home and I talked to him about what I hoped our life together would be like and I promised him I'd never give him up and we'd be together forever. He looked at me then crawled and wiggled into my lap and just started giving me gentle loving trusting licks and our bond was established. He politely met my cats, was good loose from day one and had wild moments but was good overall.
My current dog perked up the minute he realized that he was going in my car and leaving the shelter. He bounced all over the car like a 63 pounds torpedo, quickly opened the windows and almost jumped out, and was crazy. At home he lunged at a cat and promptly got a scratched cornea and was up all night afraid of everything every city noise. Took forever to walk him because of all the distractions. Took an hour to catch him in the dog park every night. Escape artist. Chewed through 8.5 leashes. Opened gates, took off a harness, jumped out of my car. Jumped two six foot fences in one leap before our first obedience class, only caught him because he was humping a German Shepherd in the parking lot. Ate my car. Ate my apartment. Had separation anxiety, broke windows and acs and almost jumped out of the third floor window. Ran straight into other dogs to play and got attacked. Jumped the baby gate ate the cat food and had diarrhea everywhere. Got loose and harassed my old horse til she kicked him in the chest. Ate rocks, paper, cigarettes, snow, antibiotics tubes, sunscreen, everything but his food.

We had no bond at all for a year or more. I contemplated returning him many times. He's given me many gray hairs. He'll take off to meet a dog, chase a rabbit, chase a jogger. Comes back when he feels like it. He's improved a lot. It drives me nuts that he won't instantly come back like all my past dogs did and I have to carry bacon treats everywhere.
But he has beautiful sensitive shining loving eyes. He follows me everywhere now. We just passed his Canine Good Citizen test on the first try with no classes just all me training him. He sleeps with me and wraps his paw around my arm and holds it on his belly begging for nonstop belly rubs. He knows about fifty commands and does a whole routine by heart. He has to follow me and lie outside the tub and guard me when I shower . He's very sensitive and hides if he thinks I'm upset. He loves the cats like his brothers and lets them eat his food. He found the cancer on my beloved cat Inky and found it again when it returned. He was devastated when inky died and wouldn't eat or play for over a month.
It took over a year but now we're bonded and I can't imagine life without him. He's sweet and loving in his own special way. He drove me nuts at first but he was acting out and never had consistency or trust before

Just like your current cat . I'll always love and miss my pets that have died. But I love my pets now. And I believe that every one I have was somehow meant to be with me and sent to me by angels somehow.

I did not want a brindle dog because it would remind me too much of my last dog. My current dog was in the shelter right around the time my last dog died and no one adopted him before. I did DNA testing to find out his breed and his color listed as black or black brindle. Just a few months ago he got hurt in a fight with a much bigger dog and his face got cut and torn up. The ER vet shaved a lot of his face and although his coat is solid blackish brown looking, turns out his skin is brindle. I think my last dog and my mom are chuckling together in heaven at the joke they played on me by picking out and sending me a "secretly" brindle dog after I vowed I wouldn't get one. And found out years later

Maybe you'll bond with this cat eventually when you're ready and it's just too soon. maybe this cat is meant to be your bfs cat and you'll eventually get another. Now you're grieving and that can take a long time . Just take it one day at a time and manage this cat safely but don't put any pressure on you or him. He's had trauma too, just like my current dog. We weren't ready to bond for a long time. We needed to heal first.

 

[calikitteh]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. I will honestly say that I have not bonded with all my animals in the same way or to the same degree. I love them all but the dog I have now is extra special to me and I knew right away she was my dog. I think it's ok if it takes longer for you to bond with your new cat, and if the bond is different. He has a challenging disposition....we had one like that growing up and my bond with him was different. You and your boyfriend are doing a great thing by giving him a home. I've heard from some people who've had many cats thay one of them stood out as their soulmate cat. How lucky to have found him even if it was for a short time.

 

[Maria Bayote]

Your grief is still raw, and I can fully understand you. Maybe the cat picks up this stress and raw emotions from you, we don't know for sure, but give it time. And you may also be comparing Gustl with Kurt, which is normal human behavior but on the other hand is also unfair for the new cat.

Give it time. You need to heal, to overcome your grief. Give Gustl a chance to reach out to you. I still believe that no (domesticated) animal cannot be healed and changed by love and patience.

 

[inkysmom]

Some animals definitely can't be healed by love alone. It would be great if love healed cancer and degenerative myelopathy. And some animals are aggressive from birth from genetic issues and are truly dangerous and can't safely live in society.
Most can be trained but it takes patience and training and a lot more than just love. Love is a great start though. I wish it could heal diseases I'd still have my mom and all my pets and we'd all live forever.
There's also medications that can help cats with anxiety and aggression. It could be worth asking your vet about if he doesn't settle in.
It's too soon to know how he'll turn out since he's had so many changes in homes after short stays. That could impact his ability to trust and he's learned aggression behaviors.

It took my current dog over a year with me to start to trust me and bond with me and he's still very anxious when I leave that I'm going to abandon him. That's after living with me for three years and with antianxiety medication. And he's had a lot less homes than the ops new cat. Just give it time and let yourself grieve. It's fine and natural to compare the cats as a part of grief. Your bf is dealing more with the new cat so let him do the primary caretaking for now.
I tried not to but I wound up comparing my last and new dogs lot even though I told myself not to .I still love my current dog tons now, it didn't hurt our bond eventually. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how to feel. You can't control your emotions. They're natural and fine. Emotions aren't logical. Take all pressure off yourself about the new cat for now. Let your bf deal with him and keep yourself safe from bites and scratches . He probably is testing you both because he's scared of being abandoned again so try not to take his behaviors personally.

 

[jcat]

Not many people would take on a senior cat with major health problems, like Kurt, or one that can be aggressive, like Gustl; I applaud you and your boyfriend for doing that. Both cats were badly in need of an understanding home.

It's not unusual to form a very strong bond with an ill cat. Equally, you can over time form a very strong one with a cat with "issues". I speak from experience. We had an extremely aggressive cat at the shelter that sent several people to the ER, including me. He was so bad that we were wearing protective clothing and had just four people taking care of him to limit the number of people attacked. There were times when I resented having to care for him because he was so "ungrateful", but gradually I saw his clownish side and could eventually even (very carefully!!!) pick him up and carry him back to his room after one of his many escapes. We developed our own little rituals. Panther later became very ill with cancer and started to cuddle with his caretakers and seek out their company. The aggression disappeared. I cried when he had to be euthanized and still think of him a lot. If anybody had said that would happen in those early months, I would have told them they were crazy.

One week, especially while you're still mourning Kurt, just isn't enough time to form an attachment to a cat that's been through so much rejection. He's a challenge and also needs time to settle in, lose his fear of his new circumstances, and learn to trust you. Just observing that process and knowing you gave him that chance will make him more special to you. Even if his primary attachment remains to your boyfriend, you two can build a relationship.

While it's not impossible for a cat that doesn't like other cats to make an exception, it's unlikely and would entail a lot of trial and error that seems unfair to the participants. Such "singletons" (my husband and I are on our second in 20 years) have poor adoption chances and are sadly often returned to shelters.

Also he does this weird thing where he purrs and purrs and ditches his head against us, sits right next to us, acts cuddly and soft and then bites REALLY hard!

a

That's not unusual behavior for a cat that wants affection but lacks trust, and will probably subside as he learns he has nothing to fear from you. Watch for signs of growing tension, like dilated pupils, ears going back, tail starting to twitch, and slowly move away from him and get up when you see one or more. If he likes balls or kickeroos, keep one handy to distract him.

 

[rubysmama]

and the more answers I get I have to realize that maybe it will never be again how it was with Kurt - and it is breaking my heart, again.

It probably won't be the same with another cat, as Kurt. He was unique and special. He needed you to care for him in his final years.

But, in his own way, Gustl needs you too. He needs someone with a huge heart to help him learn to trust people, and overcome his fears, and stop lashing out aggressively. Maybe that's why your boyfriend was drawn to Gustl, because like Kurt, he's a special cat who needed special people to adopt him.

I have written so many tributes to him, I feel like it helps a little bit. I really like the idea of translating one of them and post it. I always feel like I owe him as much attention as possible. He loved that

I see you've posted your tribute to Kurt. It was beautiful, and made me cry. I didn't realize he'd been in the shelter 1 year before you adopted him. He was waiting all that time for the purrfect couple to come rescue him.

Yes that ginger boy with his tongue out is Kurt! He was toothless so his tongue was out A LOT

He was a cutie pie, for sure. I also have a ginger cat - my Ruby girl.

I dont think he wants to spend his next 10+ years without a cat friend.

Not all cats need a cat friend. I obviously can't know for sure, but I'm 99.99999% sure my Ruby is purrfectly content being her mama's only cat. And with Gustl's history with other cats, it sounds like he might be one to like being the only family cat too.

I hope in time your heart will heal from the loss of Kurt. But like all grief, it will take time. And hopefully time will also help Gustl become a happy and loved member of your family. When you can, do post a pic of him.

 

[Kflowers]

Sarah26 , skipping ahead without reading in between to answer you -

So do you mean that I should NOT try to bond with him because it will come naturally once I am ready or that I should accept that my bf will give him the attention he needs and I will be fine with not having to bond with him ever?

Yes, that is exactly what I mean. If you force it, neither of you will be happy. If you let yourself grieve and not force it you will feel better. Right now, your attempting to pretend what you don't feel mixes with your grief and your hostility and frightens Gusti. He is confused by it. You have the prefect set up to give him what he needs while you are healing. Gusti, as all cats, understands grief. He's had some in his life. He will understand yours.

Be civil, be quite with him. Just be. Time will take the hard edge from your grief. You will become closer to Gusti long before your grieving has finished. There is no need to push it. Cats see through pretense and manners, but they accept and respect when one does one's best and doesn't threaten them.

Your English is fine. When you post, read the responses, if they don't fit what you posted, give us another chance. I'm thinking here the responses fit your post.

 

[Kflowers]

Again

I am a bit afraid he will always remain my bf‘s cat and I will feel like the third wheel... and the more answers I get I have to realize that maybe it will never be again how it was with Kurt - and it is breaking my heart, again.

When it is time for you to bond with a cat, the cat you are meant to bond with will arrive. Gusti is meant for your BF. It is good they found each other and are having the time to bond.

You are over thinking. Please try to just be a little more. That is the deepest thing cats teach us.

 

[Furballsmom]

You don't actually know whether it will be or won't be like it was with Kurt, although these two cats have different personalities.

Every cat is different, --amazing things can happen, just as inkysmom shared in that wonderful post, and this ;

That is the deepest thing cats teach us.

To just BE
is so true, for you, and also for you to allow for Gustl, and for any other cat you may have in your life

 

[inkysmom]

Some cats are fine accepting new kittens and not other adult cats. Some hate kittens. As you take your time with grief and let yourself and the cat asjust see if you can find out if any of the cats he was with in the past were kittens .and how he did with them.
It's hard to feel depressed with a kitten they're adorable and loving but they're also hyper crazy and destructive. Their constant antics do keep you laughing though. It could be worth a try in time.
None of my adult cats had any issues with the kitten I found and he was a holy terror. I had to train him to gave better manners because he was out of control in terms of attacking my large dog repeatedly and drawing blood and jumping up on peoples plates of food but that was unique to his time starving on the streets in an area with packs of wild aggressive dogs. My other six cats at the time socialized him quite nicely. He's very gentle and loving with people and now knows he can politely ask for food but not jump on people.
He's quite good with my current dog and the many dogs I have dogsat. He sets form limits then is friendly but cautious.
So in time things may settle down and you may be ready to try a kitten or not. You may feel better with this cat just as things are.

 

[Timmer]

I had a cat named Pickles for 18 years. I made a mistake due to pressure from others and ran out and got two new cats. I didn't love them right away. In fact, I refused to refer to myself as their "mommy" and decided we were all sisters living together. I learned to respect them and we got along. I think it was close to a year before I really felt love for them. I liked things about them. They were independent, had personalities and all that. When Tina got kidney failure and died suddenly I was crushed. I only had her four years.
You are grieving. It's very natural what you are feeling. You probably weren't ready to get another cat but...you got one. So it's your boyfriend's cat and who knows maybe one day YOU can go out and get one and have two! Double the love.

 

[misty8723]

Sarah26 I don't have any advice for you, but I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss and I do know how you are feeling. I had a bond with my Swanie the instant I saw him in the shelter. He was my heart cat and I loved him so much. We had him for 12 years, and last October we unexpectedly lost him. I am still grieving and not a day goes by that I don't cry, and yes sob, and yes I'm crying now. I'm not sure I'll ever be over him.
We have another cat, Cricket, and DH wanted to get cat friend for her. I wasn't ready, but we got Austin and they told us he was sweet and loving and would do whatever Cricket told him to do. Well, he's pretty sweet to us, but he is a bully with her. I'm trying very hard to like him, but it's not easy. There are many days when I have wanted nothing more than to take him back. And DH loves him, so even if I thought I could take him back, he wouldn't want to. And Cricket who we got him for is indifferent or annoyed when he bullies.
Now I find myself looking at other cats, looking for another lap cat sweetheart like my Swanie. And I know I can't bring another cat in here.
I hope you can find some peace because grief is hard to bear.

 

[Antonio65]

So as my depression continued, my bf suggested we would adopt another cat, not as a substitute but to revive our home and give us another cat to care for. Thats how we got Gustl. We found him on the internet, talked to his caretaker for about 2 weeks and exchanged news and pictures daily. I felt like we got to know hom enough to be sure that he can be our cat.

But now that he is here (its been 7 days today) I dont like him. I mean, I like him, but I dont feel anything when I look at him. I did not have a bond, nor any maternal feelings. He is.... well, just another cat to me. He bites, is aggressive and theres something wild and obnoxious about him. He is 5 and is known for being a „problem cat“. We knew that, but I thought I could handle it. But I cant take it. Hes mean and nothing like the cat I need. I feel like an imposter, like I dont really like cats how they are - I feel like a monster, but I dont want him here. If it was only my decision I would have given him back the 2nd day. I hate myself to say that, I hate how I can be such a cruel person.

Hi Sarah26 ,
Let me tell you my story.
I had two cats, Lola and Pallina. Both died at the age of 17, one in March 2017, one in August 2018.
When Pallina died, our home was cold, empty, sad, almost meaningless, but I didn't want to adopt another cat, it was too soon and my grief for their loss was huge. I needed to grieve.

Then I came across a young kitten I had rescued after a stormy night, and taken to the vet, and after thinking for some days (actually nearly 2 weeks) I and my wife decided to take her home with us. It was September 2018, just 7 weeks after the loss of my beloved Pallina.

Well, despite all my efforts, I wasn't able to create a bond with her. She was just a cat in our home. I would feed her, clean after her, play with her, but I couldn't see anything I could love in her. Her eyes wouldn't trigger any feeling of affection from me for her. She was cute, but I couldn't see her cuteness. She was lovely, but I couldn't love her. There were moments when I felt her like an intruder in my life, in my pain, in my grief. I felt her like she was preventing me from feeling sad, and I kind of hated her for this.
I would say to myself that it was just an impression, that something could have grown between us sooner or later, but the days were passing by and nothing was happening.

When I had my previous cats, I couldn't wait to go home after work, because I needed them and I was sure they were needing me. My devotion for them was total, absolute, they were filling my days. They were my strength, my life. I would think of them when I was away, I would spend my days watching the clock to run home and hug them.
When they got sick at the end of their lives, I never left them alone, not even for a minute. Hospicing them had been physically and mentally devastating, but I would have done it forever.

With this new kitten I couldn't feel anything of the kind.
On a day, after work, I didn't even drive straight home, I drove a long way round to avoid to get home and deal with her. I was delaying the moment that I had to see her.
I felt like a monster, because she was probably working hard to please me, but I couldn't return what she was feeling for me.

I think that over time she realized of this and grew an inner intolerance to the home environment, an intolerance that showed up as a diarrhea.
No therapy, supplement, food change, vet visit and test were able to assess the nature of it, let alone cure it, until the vet suggested me to hand the kitten to her for a few days to see what she could do for her. As soon as the kitten was at the vet's, the diarrhea stopped, and when the kitten returned to home 4 days later it started all over.
That was the clear sign that the "cold" relationship between us had given its side effects.
Ten weeks after taking her home in September, I adopted the kitten out and she's been fine since.
I was fine too.

I felt like a monster because I couldn't accept her in our home, because I let her down, and because I didn't even feel too sad when I gave her out to the new family.
Occasionally I think of her, but those memories do not bring up any emotion to me.

I'm still crying every single day for the loss of my sweet Lola nearly 24 months ago, I am still crying every single day over the loss of my beloved Pallina 8 months ago.
With them I had a kind of bond that I would describe as unique. Even some of the vets who had visited them told me that they had never seen such a strong and powerful bond between an owner and their cat before.

So, I think you're in a similar position as mine, you had created an incredibly strong and unique bond with your Kurt, so strong that no other cat can make you feel like you were feeling before, and those other cats are felt like intruders, just ordinary cats, strangers in your life, in a moment when you need to elaborate your pain.
It is possible that in the future you and I will be able to open our hearts again, but I think that we shouldn't force that moment, we should let it come naturally.

On Feb 13th (one month ago) I had rescued a cat who was sitting still in the middle of a busy road. I saved her from a terrible death that I am sure, it would have come in few minutes. I took her to the vet, she was visited and checked. She was malnourished, dehydrated, old, had a few diseases and was deaf. After a few days I took her home because we believed she deserved it.
Well, this was a totally different feeling, I loved her almost like I had loved mine before, I gave her all myself, I dedicated myself to her. And she would love me to bits, she would adore me, I was her saver and she knew that.
I would forgive her any mess she was doing in our home, unlike I would do with the previous kitten.
But it wasn't meant to be, she was old and sick and she left me after 9 days.
Over that short period of time I felt myself alive again, my life had a meaning and a purpose again, it was something beautiful that I hadn't felt for a long time. Hospicing her gave me a new reason to live.
Finding and adopting her was something that I wasn't expecting, unlike the contemplated decision to adopt the other kitten in September.

My previous cats, Lola and Pallina, had arrived in my life totally unexpected too, and I believe this is the way a cat has to drop into my life.

So, let the things go by naturally.
If you don't feel like you will ever love Gustl, you should consider rehoming him before it is too late for him.
This is what I did, and I think I did it right.

My best wishes!

 

[Antonio65]

He was given 6-12 months, he proved them all wrong and lived three! I think that's what making it so "magical" to me - it was us against the world and I felt safe with him.

See?
Another point in common between me and you.
My cat Lola, you see her in my avatar, was diagnosed with a carcinoma in 2011, she was given fewer than 6 months if left untreated, up to 12 months if she was treated, because, the oncologist said, that type of carcinoma could not be cured at all, all therapies would have been palliative.
I was warned that treating her would have been very costly for me, painful and stressful for her, and would have given us nothing more than troubles.
I chose the hard way, I paid lost of of money, Lola endured a heavy therapy, but we won and the carcinoma was defeated for good, against all odds. We were referred as the first successful case of the kind in the history.
In 2016 Lola was diagnosed with another carcinoma, in a different part of her body and totally unrelated to the first one. It was a very rare condition. The chances of survival were poor, the surgery would have been heavy and highly risky, but she made it through and came back home. Again!
In my thread about her I wrote the same words as you did about Kurt, we had fought the world bare handed and we had won!
Love was stronger than the evil disease!

This makes our stories similar.
And this, I'm sure, made our bonds with our cats stronger and stronger. Being mates in a war and winning it makes us and our cats like brothers.
Your huge love for Kurt made him live beyond the expectations, this does mean a lot!

 

[Sarah26]

Antonio65
THANK YOU for sharing your story. It sounds like you had this special, almost magical time with your Lola and Pallina too and it was something so beautiful that losing it makes you feel like you no longer know how what to do to make it easier. Im crying typing this because I‘m completely overwhelmed by my feelings and memories of Kurt and all the love and joy he brought into my life now. I want him back so bad, I want to hold him, I want to be with him, I want him next to me in my bed. I want to look into his soft eyes and feel loved.
I know exactly what you mean - Ive cancelled appointments and meetings to get home to my Kurt. It was not that I did not want to go out, but being with Kurt was better. And as I always knew that his time is limited I felt like I needed to spend this time as intensively as possible.

Now I too feel like I have to escape the house only to not having to deal with Gustl. Today I feel anger and rage because he is here and I want him out so so bad. He stresses me out so much I cant take it today...At the moment I feel like „giving up“ because I am not able to put enough effort into tolerating his presence.
My boyfriend and I had a huge fight about him today. He called me a bad person, someone who doesnt really likes cats and sees them as gadgets. He says giving him back is literally like throwing an animal away. He says that „a bad feeling“ doesnt count as a reason to give a cat away. And he says that I am cruel for wanting to take him away from him. He says that if we give up on him now, we will never ever adopt another cat again. I feel trapped and I hate myself for bringing him into our home in the first place. I dont want him, I dont want to hurt my boyfriend either, I want my time to grief and I want to keep open the possibility of adopting another cat in the future. Ugh, so much „want“ - I dont even „give“
Usually I am not a person who listens to gut feelings and emotions and rely on cognitive facts, so in a way, I can understand that my bf wont let it count, but it is so strong right now. Something about Gustl feels just very very wrong. His eyes are hostile, his body is weird, he has this aggressive, mean look and there is NOTHING cute about him. He looks just outright evil to me.

 

[Sarah26]

rubysmama
Yes, he was there for a year, alone and unloved. It breaks my heart thinking about it.

Today I have only anger and refusal in me. Gustl makes me feel so bad in every possible way. I feel uncomfortable in my own house because I know he is here, it is so strong today, it‘s unbereable.
Below is a picture of him. He looks hostile to me.

 

[susanm9006]

I think that your grief is overwhelming you and needs to be dealt with before you can love, or even tolerate this cat. Sometimes grief is so powerful that we need outside help from professionals to deal with our feelings. While counseling can be expensive it may be covered by your insurance plan.

 

[Sarah26]

Sarah26 I don't have any advice for you, but I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss and I do know how you are feeling. I had a bond with my Swanie the instant I saw him in the shelter. He was my heart cat and I loved him so much. We had him for 12 years, and last October we unexpectedly lost him. I am still grieving and not a day goes by that I don't cry, and yes sob, and yes I'm crying now. I'm not sure I'll ever be over him.
We have another cat, Cricket, and DH wanted to get cat friend for her. I wasn't ready, but we got Austin and they told us he was sweet and loving and would do whatever Cricket told him to do. Well, he's pretty sweet to us, but he is a bully with her. I'm trying very hard to like him, but it's not easy. There are many days when I have wanted nothing more than to take him back. And DH loves him, so even if I thought I could take him back, he wouldn't want to. And Cricket who we got him for is indifferent or annoyed when he bullies.
Now I find myself looking at other cats, looking for another lap cat sweetheart like my Swanie. And I know I can't bring another cat in here.
I hope you can find some peace because grief is hard to bear.

I can so relate to this! I look at all those poor, sweet and lovely cats out there and wish nothing more to adopt them as soon as possible in exchange for Gustl. I feel like I COULD love another cat but not him, certainly not him. I have built so much anger that its starting to make me sad and desperate because I feel trapped.

 

[Sarah26]

I think that your grief is overwhelming you and needs to be dealt with before you can love, or even tolerate this cat. Sometimes grief is so powerful that we need outside help from professionals to deal with him. While counseling can be expensive it may be covered by your insurance plan.

Ive considered this too. But all I can think is: What about Gustl? He CANNOT stay here no matter what. I‘ll do counselling and whatever is needed but for me the stress will not end until I have him out of my life.