No Bond My With My Cat, Grief And The Idea Of Another Cat...

[Kflowers]

I don't understand why you can't let your bf have a cat of his own. You said if the cat loves him and not you, you will have 10 years of loneliness. Nope, when you are ready you will find the cat you want. Your cat and his cat Gusti will work out a way to live together. This doesn't have to be a sum zero game unless you can't share.

Mostly I think you need regular professional help right now. There is more dragging you down and making you push your bf away than Gusti. Gusti isn't mean, animals other than humans don't do mean, they react to what is given to them. You are sending hostile I-want-you-to-leave-go-away-I-hate-you emotions to him. In his mind you are actually threatening his life, so he isn't going to cuddle with you. You are sending the same message to your BF.

Get in therapy right now, with a psychologist or better a psychiatrist. Your medication needs adjusting to cover your cat's death, your grief, and, I strongly suspect, your fear of getting married.

Several members of this site have psychology backgrounds. No one is blowing smoke at you, except you.

 

[Sarah26]

I don't understand why you can't let your bf have a cat of his own. You said if the cat loves him and not you, you will have 10 years of loneliness. Nope, when you are ready you will find the cat you want. Your cat and his cat Gusti will work out a way to live together. This doesn't have to be a sum zero game unless you can't share.

Mostly I think you need regular professional help right now. There is more dragging you down and making you push your bf away than Gusti. Gusti isn't mean, animals other than humans don't do mean, they react to what is given to them. You are sending hostile I-want-you-to-leave-go-away-I-hate-you emotions to him. In his mind you are actually threatening his life, so he isn't going to cuddle with you. You are sending the same message to your BF.

Get in therapy right now, with a psychologist or better a psychiatrist. Your medication needs adjusting to cover your cat's death, your grief, and, I strongly suspect, your fear of getting married.

Several members of this site have psychology backgrounds. No one is blowing smoke at you, except you.

But there lies the problem. I wont have a cat on my own - not with Gustl. As I described above, he has trouble with other cats and there is only a very small chance of finding another cat he will accept. He has met 5 different cats of all ages and gender before (except kittens) and he was attacking them so bad, one had to be medically treated for weeks. This would be a long long process and it is not guaranteed that we will find a cat that he will tolerate. So the chances of ending up lonely for the next 10 years are high. I can share, but I cannot suffer. I am afraid this will happen and I did not intervene when I still had the chance. I am not afraid of getting married. It‘s actually not THAT big for me. We both agreed we will have a small ceremony with 25 guests. Its more like a birthday party so I am absolutely not afraid or stressed out by the wedding.

He isnt mean in a human was, I agree. Maybe I mistake mean for aggression. I just came back from a doctor‘s visit because he scratched and bit me so hard. My arms look as if I jumped through barbed wire. Whatever it is - aggression, anger, fear, insecurity, all of it - it is hurting me.

I am seeing a psychistrist every once in a while, otherwise I wouldnt get the medication I get. My dose has been doubled a few months ago and I‘ve reached the maximum daily intake. I do agree, the grief has come to a point where I am no longer in control.

 

[kittyluv387]

But there lies the problem. I wont have a cat on my own - not with Gustl. As I described above, he has trouble with other cats and there is only a very small chance of finding another cat he will accept. He has met 5 different cats of all ages and gender before (except kittens) and he was attacking them so bad, one had to be medically treated for weeks. This would be a long long process and it is not guaranteed that we will find a cat that he will tolerate. So the chances of ending up lonely for the next 10 years are high. I can share, but I cannot suffer. I am afraid this will happen and I did not intervene when I still had the chance. I am not afraid of getting married. It‘s actually not THAT big for me. We both agreed we will have a small ceremony with 25 guests. Its more like a birthday party so I am absolutely not afraid or stressed out by the wedding.

He isnt mean in a human was, I agree. Maybe I mistake mean for aggression. I just came back from a doctor‘s visit because he scratched and bit me so hard. My arms look as if I jumped through barbed wire. Whatever it is - aggression, anger, fear, insecurity, all of it - it is hurting me.

I am seeing a psychistrist every once in a while, otherwise I wouldnt get the medication I get. My dose has been doubled a few months ago and I‘ve reached the maximum daily intake. I do agree, the grief has come to a point where I am no longer in control.

I don't think too many housecats would outright viciously attack a kitten. Maybe show them who's boss, but that's normal. When you're ready I think a young kitten might be a good candidate.

Has Gusti gotten a complete check up with urinalysis and bloodtest? I don't feel like that's normal behavior.

 

[Kflowers]

A 15 minute visit once a month for your medication isn't much help. You need to be seeing someone often enough, at least once a week, that you can actually talk to them and confide in them.

Just because Gusti doesn't like other cats now, doesn't mean he won't if he lives in a loving and non-frightening home. As someone up thread said, how would you have felt if your BF had come up with a reason, perhaps one as good as yours, to get rid of your cat? Streets go two ways or not at all.

 

[Sarah26]

It seems to me that it all comes down to a two choices for you. You can keep the cat and hope that you adjust to it or you can insist that the cat be rehomed and risk that it it negatively affects your relationship. Those are difficult choices and I wish you the best.

Thank you. Its true - these are thr two options and I go for the latter.

 

[war&wisdom]

But there lies the problem. I wont have a cat on my own - not with Gustl. As I described above, he has trouble with other cats and there is only a very small chance of finding another cat he will accept. He has met 5 different cats of all ages and gender before (except kittens) and he was attacking them so bad, one had to be medically treated for weeks. This would be a long long process and it is not guaranteed that we will find a cat that he will tolerate. So the chances of ending up lonely for the next 10 years are high. I can share, but I cannot suffer. I am afraid this will happen and I did not intervene when I still had the chance. I am not afraid of getting married. It‘s actually not THAT big for me. We both agreed we will have a small ceremony with 25 guests. Its more like a birthday party so I am absolutely not afraid or stressed out by the wedding.

He isnt mean in a human was, I agree. Maybe I mistake mean for aggression. I just came back from a doctor‘s visit because he scratched and bit me so hard. My arms look as if I jumped through barbed wire. Whatever it is - aggression, anger, fear, insecurity, all of it - it is hurting me.

I am seeing a psychistrist every once in a while, otherwise I wouldnt get the medication I get. My dose has been doubled a few months ago and I‘ve reached the maximum daily intake. I do agree, the grief has come to a point where I am no longer in control.

As someone diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I want to say that it's important for you to be seeing a psychologist or licensed therapist regularly when you are in such a dark place -- at least every couple weeks, and my therapist friends would say every week. Medication alone does not help the majority of people suffering with depression.

 

[Kflowers]

There are psychologists who specialize in grief. since you already have a psychiatrist though one of little use otherwise, for your meds, find one.

 

[Sarah26]

I don't think too many housecats would outright viciously attack a kitten. Maybe show them who's boss, but that's normal. When you're ready I think a young kitten might be a good candidate.

Has Gusti gotten a complete check up with urinalysis and bloodtest? I don't feel like that's normal behavior.

He had a full check-up in December - at least that‘s what his former caretaker told us.

 

[Sarah26]

There are psychologists who specialize in grief. since you already have a psychiatrist though one of little use otherwise, for your meds, find one.

I dont know how it works where you live, maybe it is different, but I see him every 3-4 weeks for 50 minutes. Its not a short visit. I also visit a support group for another mental health issue.

 

[war&wisdom]

I dont know how it works where you live, maybe it is different, but I see him every 3-4 weeks for 50 minutes. Its not a short visit. I also visit a support group for another mental health issue.

Psychiatrists aren't normally licensed therapists; they're medical doctors. Support groups are wonderful, but it's important for you to have regular access to a therapist to discuss issues like the one you're seeking help for on this site.

The only type of therapy that has consistently been supported by research is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Is this the type of therapy you receive?

 

[Sarah26]

As someone diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I want to say that it's important for you to be seeing a psychologist or licensed therapist regularly when you are in such a dark place -- at least every couple weeks, and my therapist friends would say every week. Medication alone does not help the majority of people suffering with depression.[/QUOTEknke

Hi, sorry for your loss, i just wanted to chip in. Sometimes depression can be a tricky beast to deal with, simply because its so elusive and distorts how you see things. Gusti may seem like the trigger, but he may be not the actual problem. You cannot know for sure. And you've used the word 'trigger'. Even if you remove the trigger, the problem is still there, growing bigger under the surface, just waiting for another trigger.

I too suffered from depression in the past, and couldn't see it properly. I went about eliminating 'triggers', which meant i relocated continents, gave up a promising career, cut off friends, etc. Finally, all i was left with is the big fat depression that I had to deal with in the end, all alone, in a country I wasn't happy in, with no job. I threw the baby out with the bathwater, and i'm just sharing my story here so that you don't do the same.

Also, I'm sorry that your bf said those things to you. It is definitely very insensitive of him.

But could it be that he had also bonded with Kurt? Maybe he too is missing Kurt deep down, and his only way of dealing with that grief is by loving Gusti? He too has lost Kurt, and now faced with the prospect of losing another cat so soon, he is reacting.

Could you make an arrangement with him that the care of Gusti is completely his responsibility, and you have to do nothing for Gusti and have no interaction with him?

Just focus on yourself, and on completing your law degree. Sounds like you are busy with a lot going on already, just ignore the cat.

Thank you for telling me your story. Im sorry you had to go through this. I know how tempting it is to look for ways which will keep you from dealing with the source of the problems. I said trigger because I think he is one. But I act the way I act because I am afraid that if I dont do something about him I will risk everything I‘ve worked hard for. I dont know if that makes sense. My life certainly wasnt perfect before Gustl moved in, but a lot less complicated. At least thats how I see it right now. I might be wrong though.

My bf LOVED Kurt. Just a few days before Gustl came he told me that Kurti was the lovelist cat he ever met, and he met a lot so far. He said that whoever comes next will have a very very hard job. These were his exact words. He sobbed with me for hours the day Kurt left.

 

[Sarah26]

Psychiatrists aren't normally licensed therapists; they're medical doctors. Support groups are wonderful, but it's important for you to have regular access to a therapist to discuss issues like the one you're seeking help for on this site.

The only type of therapy that has consistently been supported by research is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Is this the type of therapy you receive?

My psychistrist is a medical doctor you‘re right - he’s not a therapist. I have had CBT in the past but had to quit last year because insurance wouldnt cover it anymore. Thats why I joined the support group. I will try for another cover though. Ive spend my last savings for Kurt and I dont work at the moment because I wanted to use those last weeks for studying only. I was planning on finishing my law degree this spring.

 

[Sarah26]

Have you tried a "hands off" approach to Gustl? By that I mean something like a laser pointer, that way you can play with him from across the room without having to directly interact with him. You'll get to watch him having fun and know that you're part of it but don't have to touch him or even be near him. You might surprise yourself and laugh at his antics despite how you're feeling and that could be a first step to accepting him. You don't have to love him right away or even at all, not all people are compatible with all animals, you just need to be able to accept him for who he is, and believe it or not that is part of the healing process. Was it too soon for another Cat? Probably. But it is what it is and it's up to you to make the best of a bad situation.

As far as your boyfriend, yes you've talked with him about it but have you told him exactly how you're feeling? If not then you need to make sure there's no misunderstanding or things could easily go from bad to worse. From what you've said it sounds like you understand that it's not Gustl's fault and you aren't entirely sure why you don't like him, if that's the case then make sure your BF knows this and isn't thinking otherwise.

I played laser pointer with him today but he refused. He is very clingly to my bf and ignores me. I can understand.

My bf knows how I feel - he still feels like I overreact. Today I was at the doctor to receive treatment for bites from Gustl and all he had to say was, that it is my own fault this happend. He doesnt care if it hurt me - he only cares if Gustl is hurt.

 

[war&wisdom]

I played laser pointer with him today but he refused. He is very clingly to my bf and ignores me. I can understand.

My bf knows how I feel - he still feels like I overreact. Today I was at the doctor to receive treatment for bites from Gustl and all he had to say was, that it is my own fault this happend. He doesnt care if it hurt me - he only cares if Gustl is hurt.

That's not fair for him to say. It's never okay to blame the injured party, and you are injured, emotionally and physically.

I do believe, though, that Gustl's behavior around you is partially a reaction to your resentment toward him. He doesn't understand it, obviously, but cats (and other animals) do sense our hostility. And if he behaves differently around your boyfriend, then that suggests that Gustl senses tension.

 

[Kflowers]

He may not like the laser pointer, some cats don't. They are just like people in that different ones like different things. Since you are feeling hostile toward him you shouldn't play with any wand toys with him. Your hostility and the wand combined will make him think you are going to beat him with the wand.

 

[Hellenww]

I'm so sorry for you're loss. I still miss my Monkey girl that I lost over a decade ago. I can't tell you the sadness ever completely goes away but it does get better over time and easier to smile about the happy times with Kurt and not crying.

I can't help but see things from Gustls point of view. It doesn't sound like he is a mean or vicious cat. Probably insecure from all of the moving around and never taught the proper way to play with humans. I know your BF will be his main care giver but for your safety your participation will be necessary since you agreed to let him stay for a while.

Gustl has these random outbursts where he just attacks without any reason (it seems). Yesterday I walked past him and he jumped up and bit me in the thigh. I start to feel very uneasy when I cross hime now. Also he does this weird thing where he purrs and purrs and ditches his head against us, sits ner ratagxt to us, acts cuddly and soft and then bites REALLY hard!

Purr-Purr-Bite sounds like an over stimulated/over happy cat that is overcome with energy and doesn't know what to do with it. If you allow him near you have some big "infant safe" stuffed animals around. When he starts purring encourage him to rub on the toy and pet him. For his outbursts my best suggestion is keep him playing when you can. Are there any animals he can see out windows or hear that can be cause redirected aggression? You said he wasn't interested in a laser. How about toys on a string or fetch?

I understand that playing with him is probably the last thing you want to do. Try looking at it as a teacher/student situation. The agreed upon plan is for him to be with you for a short time and you want him to be a better cat when he moves on.

I also enjoy a "wild" cat but they need to know limits. Is your BF play wrestling with him or letting him "fight" with your BF? If he is ask him to use a big toy to wrestle with Gustl and a blanket between cat and human skin. Gustl needs to understand that humans will play with him but are not the toy. Is your area safe for Gustl to go out on a leash? If it is ask your BF about harness training him. It would use up some of Gustls energy and when they go for walks you would have your home to yourself for a short time.

You're under a lot of stress right now. If you able to hold out I'd suggest not making any permanent decisions until a month after your studies are completed. Hopefully Gustl will be a more pleasant roommate by then and you'll have one less stressor affecting your decision.

 

[Sarah26]

He may not like the laser pointer, some cats don't. They are just like people in that different ones like different things. Since you are feeling hostile toward him you shouldn't play with any wand toys with him. Your hostility and the wand combined will make him think you are going to beat him with the wand.

My bf plays laser pointer with him and he seems to find it fun. He chased a green dot for 20 minutes yesterday, so I guess the laser pointer is a thing, but he just doesnt want me to be the one with the pointer in the hand.

He has a full choice of toys but at the moment throwing things off shelves seems like the most fun to him. We also have a very tall tree (a real one) in the living room where he would be able to jump and make a full round on the ceiling but he wont go up.

 

[Sarah26]

I'm so sorry for you're loss. I still miss my Monkey girl that I lost over a decade ago. I can't tell you the sadness ever completely goes away but it does get better over time and easier to smile about the happy times with Kurt and not crying.

I can't help but see things from Gustls point of view. It doesn't sound like he is a mean or vicious cat. Probably insecure from all of the moving around and never taught the proper way to play with humans. I know your BF will be his main care giver but for your safety your participation will be necessary since you agreed to let him stay for a while.



Purr-Purr-Bite sounds like an over stimulated/over happy cat that is overcome with energy and doesn't know what to do with it. If you allow him near you have some big "infant safe" stuffed animals around. When he starts purring encourage him to rub on the toy and pet him. For his outbursts my best suggestion is keep him playing when you can. Are there any animals he can see out windows or hear that can be cause redirected aggression? You said he wasn't interested in a laser. How about toys on a string or fetch?


I understand that playing with him is probably the last thing you want to do. Try looking at it as a teacher/student situation. The agreed upon plan is for him to be with you for a short time and you want him to be a better cat when he moves on.

I also enjoy a "wild" cat but they need to know limits. Is your BF play wrestling with him or letting him "fight" with your BF? If he is ask him to use a big toy to wrestle with Gustl and a blanket between cat and human skin. Gustl needs to understand that humans will play with him but are not the toy. Is your area safe for Gustl to go out on a leash? If it is ask your BF about harness training him. It would use up some of Gustls energy and when they go for walks you would have your home to yourself for a short time.

You're under a lot of stress right now. If you able to hold out I'd suggest not making any permanent decisions until a month after your studies are completed. Hopefully Gustl will be a more pleasant roommate by then and you'll have one less stressor affecting your decision.

We have two big balconies, one faces a street one a huge garden. In the garden there are a lot of outside cats Im sure he has spotted some of them already. And birds, of course. I dont think there are animals.

I think he does like laser pointer. As I said above, he plays catching the dot with my bf. We have a bird on a string that moves automaitically, a wand, balls, pillows, feathers, scratchboards, places for jumping. However, destroying things is his favourite game.
My bf lets him bite his hands while he covers them with sleeves. We have a valerian-scented pillow which we use for playing too.

We used to go out on the leash with Kurt twice a day. We have a harnish for him and we‘ve already begun letting him explore the staircase and hallway of the house but we think we have to wait before we go outside because if he is scared of us he will not feel safe outside. But I think he was outside before - there is no way he is used to be inside all day. He‘s a typical outside cat. Ive heard that leash-train outside cats can be fatal because they will demand walks numerous times a day and will freak out when the human refuses to get up at 3AM to investigate the bushes next door for the 8th time a day...?

Well,my studies might take longer. Depression and grief dont really contribute to my studies... I am re-evaluating right now if it makes sense to go through with this as planned or wait a little bit until things have settled. I am also way behind my schedule... but that‘s another story.

 

[Hellenww]

It sounds like you and your BF are doing all the right things. I've seen many post about cats throwing things off shelves. The only real solution that seems to work is to hide away anything breakable and ignore the behavior after that. don't even pick up what he threw until he leaves. The hope is he will get bored of throwing since he's not getting any attention. Some cats no matter how good they are in every other way just like to see things fall.

Ive heard that leash-train outside cats can be fatal because they will demand walks numerous times a day and will freak out when the human refuses to get up at 3AM to investigate the bushes next door for the 8th time a day...?

Another member suggests not letting the cat walk through your door when going out. Pick him up and carry him through the door. If you have him on set time (or after a certain activity) to go out, he will learn that is the only time to go out.

 

[marmoset]

We have two big balconies, one faces a street one a huge garden. In the garden there are a lot of outside cats Im sure he has spotted some of them already. And birds, of course. I dont think there are animals.

I think he does like laser pointer. As I said above, he plays catching the dot with my bf. We have a bird on a string that moves automaitically, a wand, balls, pillows, feathers, scratchboards, places for jumping. However, destroying things is his favourite game.
My bf lets him bite his hands while he covers them with sleeves. We have a valerian-scented pillow which we use for playing too.

We used to go out on the leash with Kurt twice a day. We have a harnish for him and we‘ve already begun letting him explore the staircase and hallway of the house but we think we have to wait before we go outside because if he is scared of us he will not feel safe outside. But I think he was outside before - there is no way he is used to be inside all day. He‘s a typical outside cat. Ive heard that leash-train outside cats can be fatal because they will demand walks numerous times a day and will freak out when the human refuses to get up at 3AM to investigate the bushes next door for the 8th time a day...?

Well,my studies might take longer. Depression and grief dont really contribute to my studies... I am re-evaluating right now if it makes sense to go through with this as planned or wait a little bit until things have settled. I am also way behind my schedule... but that‘s another story.

Your BF needs to stop letting him bite ASAP. You have been bitten to the point of seeking medical attention so his biting issue is real. If this home doesn't work out he will have a harder time getting a new home if he's not worked with patiently. Very simply put, your BF should remove his hands and ignore the cat when it starts to bite. The cat is being playful like he would be with a littermate but cats can learn that people don't tolerate the same sort of play. It might need some redirection, mild hissing noises that you or your finace make when the cat puts his teeth on you two etc but it's entirely doable. It's absolutely possible to train him out of the behavior but not if one person is encouraging the biting- even if done passively.

You have a work in progress cat here. He's not a finished product. I think it's good that you have agreed to wait some weeks and I hope you get to the point where you are ready and willing to try to accept this cat but I'd bring the biting issue up with the fiancé. If he's going to let the cat bite through sleeves it's just going to make everything harder for the cat, for you and for your BF eventually. I'm just saying have an open discussion with him. If he is asking you to give the cat a chance he should be doing the work to modify Gustl's behavior and not encourage the behaviors that make you afraid of him. That's not going to benefit Gustl in the long run.

Even using the pillow for playing could be contributing to the problem. If it's being picked up and moved around the cat to incite raking or biting- that's not the kind of play to encourage right now. He needs toys that he can hunt and chase- laser pointers (like BF is using), wand toys etc are great. All things that are at an arms distance from a human body-part. Play sesssions should last 20-30 minutes at least twice a day and end with the cat being fed if possible. That will tap into his natural instincts to hunt catch kill and eat.