No Bond My With My Cat, Grief And The Idea Of Another Cat...

[Sarah26]

I had a cat named Pickles for 18 years. I made a mistake due to pressure from others and ran out and got two new cats. I didn't love them right away. In fact, I refused to refer to myself as their "mommy" and decided we were all sisters living together. I learned to respect them and we got along. I think it was close to a year before I really felt love for them. I liked things about them. They were independent, had personalities and all that. When Tina got kidney failure and died suddenly I was crushed. I only had her four years.
You are grieving. It's very natural what you are feeling. You probably weren't ready to get another cat but...you got one. So it's your boyfriend's cat and who knows maybe one day YOU can go out and get one and have two! Double the love.

See that‘s my fear: that he will my bfs cat and I will feel lonely for the next 10 years. I need a loving cat who needs me and who makes me feel happy. I work a lot from home and my bf is out a lot so the cat will mainly spend time with me. I need us to be a team - my bf doesnt need this as much as me - at least in my opinion. But I will be unhappy if Gustl will be my bfs cat and I will never really see in him what I need in a cat.

 

[Sarah26]

Hi @jcat thank you for your success story!
Today I am in a very dark place, lots of tears and anger. I am trying very hard to trust all of you here because you know better than anyone else what‘s going on and you have experience bit today it is so hard to let these succes stories get through to me. I feel like my situation is an exception, like its the worst worst of all ( although I know its not ) and I am so exhausted from thinking. I have this extreme urge to just give him back, as brutal as it sounds, but today I am so tired of everything.

 

[Kflowers]

Whatever you do, I don't think you should give Gusti back without telling your BF. Remember, whatever you feel, your bf loves Gusti.

 

[Sarah26]

Whatever you do, I don't think you should give Gusti back without telling your BF. Remember, whatever you feel, your bf loves Gusti.

No not without my bf, never. I didnt mean to say that - but this is exactly my dilemma. His needs against mine.
I agreed to try for 6 more weeks - after that we will see and decide - together of course. I feel so selfish but even that seems like the hardest thing ever to me...
We also thought of giving Gustl to good friends nearby who have a garden in a rural area - he could visit him there too. They said he was an inside cat but I am almost certain that was a lie. He has strong urges to go out and his wildness and energy speaks for it too. He doesnt seem like an inside cat to me. But this might be just another wrong idea.
However - what I am trying to say. I fight hard not to rush and I will NEVER give Gustl away without my bfs consent.

 

[misty8723]

I can so relate to this! I look at all those poor, sweet and lovely cats out there and wish nothing more to adopt them as soon as possible in exchange for Gustl. I feel like I COULD love another cat but not him, certainly not him. I have built so much anger that its starting to make me sad and desperate because I feel trapped.

Sarah26 I so totally understand the anger and feeling trapped. With Austin, I am making an effort to like him, and maybe in time love him. But the situation is a bit different because he is nice to us, just bullies Cricket. I still want another one that I can cuddle with and love. I didn't think I would want that when I lost Swanie, but I find that I do. Maybe if you can make a conscious effort to get rid of the anger, you will be able to at least like Gustl and maybe eventually come to love him.

 

[Sarah26]

Some cats are fine accepting new kittens and not other adult cats. Some hate kittens. As you take your time with grief and let yourself and the cat asjust see if you can find out if any of the cats he was with in the past were kittens .and how he did with them.
It's hard to feel depressed with a kitten they're adorable and loving but they're also hyper crazy and destructive. Their constant antics do keep you laughing though. It could be worth a try in time.
None of my adult cats had any issues with the kitten I found and he was a holy terror. I had to train him to gave better manners because he was out of control in terms of attacking my large dog repeatedly and drawing blood and jumping up on peoples plates of food but that was unique to his time starving on the streets in an area with packs of wild aggressive dogs. My other six cats at the time socialized him quite nicely. He's very gentle and loving with people and now knows he can politely ask for food but not jump on people.
He's quite good with my current dog and the many dogs I have dogsat. He sets form limits then is friendly but cautious.
So in time things may settle down and you may be ready to try a kitten or not. You may feel better with this cat just as things are.

Yes we thought about a kitten too. He met 5 cats (male and female) from age 1-7 before and hated them all. But they didnt live long together..

 

[rubysmama]

rubysmama
Today I have only anger and refusal in me. Gustl makes me feel so bad in every possible way. I feel uncomfortable in my own house because I know he is here, it is so strong today, it‘s unbereable.
Below is a picture of him. He looks hostile to me.

I wouldn't say he looks hostile. Maybe a little wild and energetic. Do you know his history? Was he maybe born feral?

 

[Sarah26]

rubysmama I dont know much about him. He is 5 and was born in the UAE. His former owner left him and he was left to his own, but I am not quite sure if that means he was a stray cat.

To me he lacks soft big eyes and cuteness. I know its mean, its not fair to judge him by his looks, but he doesnt have what I look for in a cat and this won‘t change.

 

[rubysmama]

but he doesnt have what I look for in a cat and this won‘t change.

 

[susanm9006]

Gustl is just a cat. Not hostile, mean or evil.

 

[danteshuman]

First let me say I’m so sorry for your loss!!! You should check out the, crossing the bridge forum. I lost my beloved punk in Dec and it helped. Also you have no right to give away Gusti. Your bf adopted him, he is your bf’s cat! I would never ever forgive someone who gave away my baby!!!!! If you need to ditch the bf but don’t take it out on the cat

I would like to point out a few things. One you need help for your depression, today! (I say this as someone with chronic pain issues that has depression. The right anti-depressant helps wonders!!!)

Two I also adopted a kitten after my bud died. He was always going to be adopted out, so even though I fostered him, I held back on loving him. When I first moved into my new apartment with my new kitten, I kept looking at him and thinking ‘you are nice and all but you are not my bud!!!’ Worse was when my kitten does things that remind me of my bud. It took months for me to bond to him and I do love him ....... but my beloved Dante left some very big paw prints for my kitten Jackie to fill!

Third I think most of his meaness is your rejecting him out of your grief. However if you are having behavior issues with him, please post it here in this forum and we can help!

Fourth I think you need to let yourself grieve. Loving this new cat in no way diminishes your love for the cat who died. You should honor him and the love you shared. However I doubt he would want you to be racked with grief all the time unable to function (go to university.) I strongly believe every cat is in our life for a reason. Maybe he was there to give you extra love when you needed it the most. Perhaps your new cat is there for a reason to?

Lastly I would suggest that in 6 months (of antidepressants and getting help from a therapist if need be) if you still dislike the cat, I would suggest getting a kitten or puppy of your choice for you. (if you want super a cuddly cat tell the shelter you are looking for a woman loving kitten who is a total lap cat..... preferably a bottle baby.) Or better yet volunteer at your local shelter to help care for bottle babies. Often wee kittens are euthanized because they require so much care. Look up the kitten lady on YouTube. You can spread the love your cat gave you in those three prescious years to those poor babies.

 

[Antonio65]

Im crying typing this because I‘m completely overwhelmed by my feelings and memories of Kurt and all the love and joy he brought into my life now. I want him back so bad, I want to hold him, I want to be with him, I want him next to me in my bed. I want to look into his soft eyes and feel loved.

I was crying yesterday when I was typing my story with my cats. I'm crying a few times a day over them, I want them back too. I perfectly know how you feel.

It was not that I did not want to go out, but being with Kurt was better. And as I always knew that his time is limited I felt like I needed to spend this time as intensively as possible.

This is what I would do when I had my cat. Not necessarily they had to be unwell to keep me home, but I would prefer their company and presence over anything and anybody else, always. So, if I had to go out, I couldn't wait to go back home.

Now I too feel like I have to escape the house only to not having to deal with Gustl. Today I feel anger and rage because he is here and I want him out so so bad
...
Something about Gustl feels just very very wrong. His eyes are hostile, his body is weird, he has this aggressive, mean look and there is NOTHING cute about him. He looks just outright evil to me
...
Gustl makes me feel so bad in every possible way. I feel uncomfortable in my own house because I know he is here, it is so strong today, it‘s unbereable
...
He CANNOT stay here no matter what. I‘ll do counselling and whatever is needed but for me the stress will not end until I have him out of my life

All of the above was exactly what I did feel when I had the other kitten home. I didn't want her around me, she would make me feel uncomfortable, kind of angry, out of place. She didn't look hostile or evil to me, but surely her eyes weren't conveying any cuteness or sweetness, I felt very little compassion for her.
But it wasn't the kitten's fault, she was innocent, she had done nothing to unplease me. It wasn't her. She would love me, she liked me.
It was me, just me. It was my fault.
I'm telling you one more thing. I live on the ground floor with a courtyard outside. One night, while I was out to scoop her litter tray, the kitten sneaked out of the door and ran in the dark. Do you know what my first thought was? My first thought was "Good riddance!". Then my heart won over my mind and I went out and looked for her and luckily she came back home. But the idea of having lost her gave me a few seconds of satisfaction. I feel shame for my thought, now!

Living in such a condition can drive you mad and throw you into depression, no doubt.
But your bf loves Gustl and you have to consider his feeling too. He would feel the same if he had to give Gustl away. It's a cage for both of you, no-one will win at the end.
Your bf dealt with you a six-week trial period. It is a very long long time. Why not to re-deal the period down to 3 or 4 weeks? Say, mid-April?

My boyfriend and I had a huge fight about him today. He called me a bad person, someone who doesnt really likes cats and sees them as gadgets. He says giving him back is literally like throwing an animal away. He says that „a bad feeling“ doesnt count as a reason to give a cat away. And he says that I am cruel for wanting to take him away from him. He says that if we give up on him now, we will never ever adopt another cat again. I feel trapped and I hate myself for bringing him into our home in the first place. I dont want him, I dont want to hurt my boyfriend either, I want my time to grief and I want to keep open the possibility of adopting another cat in the future.

Both of you should be very careful about the words you're using towards each other. Some things, when they are said, can't be unsaid.
This situation could possibly ruin the relationship between you two.
From what you said, it seems that your bf is, understandably, trying to "blackmail" you into forcing you to keep Gustl against your will or no other cat will ever get into your home.
My humble opinion is that it is very unfair of him, but this surely reflects the fact that he loves him so much that he fears to lose him, and you should forgive him for his words, words that were dictated by the anger and fear.
No wonder that you feel trapped between the unwanted presence of Gustl in your home, and the legit request of your bf to keep him because he loves him. I think that your bf is feeling as trapped as you are. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think how he's feeling now. I think he's feeling bad as you are, he doesn't want to lose Gustl, but doesn't want to hurt you either.

Below is a picture of him. He looks hostile to me.

He doesn't look hostile, it's his look, he's different than Kurt, it's another cat, just like a person is different from another.
But I do feel like you feel, because when I looked into my kitten's eyes, I thought I saw something similar, not hostile, not evil, not unfriendly, just not what I was looking for.

I feel like I COULD love another cat but not him, certainly not him.

That's not true! You couldn't love any cat at the moment. This is what you think you can do, but it isn't true. Believe me.
Your grief would build up a tall barrier between you and any other cat. You would find another reason to not like or love another kitten, and your depression and anger would only get worse. You need to elaborate your pain and grief, you have to make sure you're out of this black tunnel, before adopting another cat. In a condition like yours, like mine, urging ourselves into adopting another cat, hoping to relive what we have lost, would only be like hitting the brake and stand in the black tunnel forever.

 

[Sarah26]

First let me say I’m so sorry for your loss!!! You should check out the, crossing the bridge forum. I lost my beloved punk in Dec and it helped. Also you have no right to give away Gusti. Your bf adopted him, he is your bf’s cat! I would never ever forgive someone who gave away my baby!!!!! If you need to ditch the bf but don’t take it out on the cat

I would like to point out a few things. One you need help for your depression, today! (I say this as someone with chronic pain issues that has depression. The right anti-depressant helps wonders!!!)

Two I also adopted a kitten after my bud died. He was always going to be adopted out, so even though I fostered him, I held back on loving him. When I first moved into my new apartment with my new kitten, I kept looking at him and thinking ‘you are nice and all but you are not my bud!!!’ Worse was when my kitten does things that remind me of my bud. It took months for me to bond to him and I do love him ....... but my beloved Dante left some very big paw prints for my kitten Jackie to fill!

Third I think most of his meaness is your rejecting him out of your grief. However if you are having behavior issues with him, please post it here in this forum and we can help!

Fourth I think you need to let yourself grieve. Loving this new cat in no way diminishes your love for the cat who died. You should honor him and the love you shared. However I doubt he would want you to be racked with grief all the time unable to function (go to university.) I strongly believe every cat is in our life for a reason. Maybe he was there to give you extra love when you needed it the most. Perhaps your new cat is there for a reason to?

Lastly I would suggest that in 6 months (of antidepressants and getting help from a therapist if need be) if you still dislike the cat, I would suggest getting a kitten or puppy of your choice for you. (if you want super a cuddly cat tell the shelter you are looking for a woman loving kitten who is a total lap cat..... preferably a bottle baby.) Or better yet volunteer at your local shelter to help care for bottle babies. Often wee kittens are euthanized because they require so much care. Look up the kitten lady on YouTube. You can spread the love your cat gave you in those three prescious years to those poor babies.

Thank you for your own story and you point of view. I disagree with one statement though. I dont think it is better to „ditch the bf“ rather than the cat. We‘ve been together for 5 years and we‘re getting married in September. To be honest, this comment hurt me. To me it means that my needs and my feelings are less important than those of the cat. If my bf has to choose a cat he has known for 8 days over a 5 year relationship and you think it would be better he decices against me, it means that I do not deserve understanding and comfort and that I have to suffer and let one decision ruin a good relationship. I might not be a cat but I need love too and it is not fair to make me choose someone elses wellbeing over mine. In all respect for every creature, but I do not have to destroy myself.

Yes it is that bad, I do not exaggerate and I dont try to be dominant - I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I cannot take it any longer. Ive been taking antidepressants for years now and even though I had my ups and downs, I never felt like this. Whatever it is, my grief, the cat, me - at the moment it doesn‘t matter because it‘s no condition I can take any longer.
I am in my very final weeks of my law degree. Ive worked hard for this it took me years to get here - I cannot let this stress destroy everything. The cat is a trigger and he‘s driving me mad. I cannot focus and I cannot concentrate, I cant even get out of bed. Yes it is true that it is not his fault but that doesnt make any difference for my feelings. And I cant stop going down this rabbit hole when he is here.

I depend on my home as my safe place. Now this was taken from me. I cannot wait 6 months. Im serious - I am not sure how to survive 6 more months into „this“

 

[inkysmom]

You know what I was in a very dark place when my MOTHER died, years ago. I was in a supposedly very very stable loving supportive relationship of many years with my loving boyfriend who'd lived with me for ages. He literally spent every second with me, every holiday, with me and my mom, through years of her terminal cancer diagnosis while she was tough and survived and even outlived her entire support group.

He treated us to meals out every weekend, carried groceries and walkers and wheelchairs, helped me with everything imaginable from countless horse moves and digging horse trailers out of fifty feet of snow in one day on his one day off to spending every holiday with just me and my mom.
He packed up moms apartment in two weeks when she died and dealt with four to seven cats and one large dog the whole timr he was with me

He dealt with my incapacitating grif migraines, took me on vacations, treated me to them and dealt with me taking in a very aggressive traumatized kitten.
You give and take in an adult relationship.

If you truly don't want the cat there, you get the heck out, get grief counseling, grow up and learn to live alone as an independent adult as everyone should before ever cohabitating with anyone.

If you can't afford it, then take your first ten to twelve years out of college and graduate school as I did living alone and learn how to deal with all aspects of it before burdening anyone with your baggage.

The second that wonderful guy told me that he would throw the little kitten out the window and I was a crazy cat lady, I told him we were over right now. And I meant it. I chose a tiny kitten over six or seven years of a very supportive loving relationship.

To be fair, it was a holiday and we both had been drinking a lot. He'd never hurt anyone, human or animal, and never would.

But I Felt a very strong intense connection instantly to that little starving kitten and felt that my mom had sent him to me from heaven. If anyone likes Garth Brooks, the "Mom" song felt like it was written for me, and my Ruby fits that baby since my mom loved kittens.
If you make your boyfriend choose between you and the cat, you will lose. If he gives up the cat for you, he will always worry about the cat, and you will always be the cold monster who didn't love either him or his baby enough
He never cane between you and your heart cat enough. It's so sad that you didn't learn any real lessons in true selfless unconditional love.
Cats aren't mean, they're scared and suffer from PTSD just like people.
You need help from your grief and to learn and truly listen to so much info about animals.

 

[katycat1190]

Thank you for your own story and you point of view. I disagree with one statement though. I dont think it is better to „ditch the bf“ rather than the cat. We‘ve been together for 5 years and we‘re getting married in September. To be honest, this comment hurt me. To me it means that my needs and my feelings are less important than those of the cat. If my bf has to choose a cat he has known for 8 days over a 5 year relationship and you think it would be better he decices against me, it means that I do not deserve understanding and comfort and that I have to suffer and let one decision ruin a good relationship. I might not be a cat but I need love too and it is not fair to make me choose someone elses wellbeing over mine. In all respect for every creature, but I do not have to destroy myself.

Yes it is that bad, I do not exaggerate and I dont try to be dominant - I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I cannot take it any longer. Ive been taking antidepressants for years now and even though I had my ups and downs, I never felt like this. Whatever it is, my grief, the cat, me - at the moment it doesn‘t matter because it‘s no condition I can take any longer.
I am in my very final weeks of my law degree. Ive worked hard for this it took me years to get here - I cannot let this stress destroy everything. The cat is a trigger and he‘s driving me mad. I cannot focus and I cannot concentrate, I cant even get out of bed. Yes it is true that it is not his fault but that doesnt make any difference for my feelings. And I cant stop going down this rabbit hole when he is here.

I depend on my home as my safe place. Now this was taken from me. I cannot wait 6 months. Im serious - I am not sure how to survive 6 more months into „this“

Hi, sorry for your loss, i just wanted to chip in. Sometimes depression can be a tricky beast to deal with, simply because its so elusive and distorts how you see things. Gusti may seem like the trigger, but he may be not the actual problem. You cannot know for sure. And you've used the word 'trigger'. Even if you remove the trigger, the problem is still there, growing bigger under the surface, just waiting for another trigger.

I too suffered from depression in the past, and couldn't see it properly. I went about eliminating 'triggers', which meant i relocated continents, gave up a promising career, cut off friends, etc. Finally, all i was left with is the big fat depression that I had to deal with in the end, all alone, in a country I wasn't happy in, with no job. I threw the baby out with the bathwater, and i'm just sharing my story here so that you don't do the same.

Also, I'm sorry that your bf said those things to you. It is definitely very insensitive of him.

But could it be that he had also bonded with Kurt? Maybe he too is missing Kurt deep down, and his only way of dealing with that grief is by loving Gusti? He too has lost Kurt, and now faced with the prospect of losing another cat so soon, he is reacting.

Could you make an arrangement with him that the care of Gusti is completely his responsibility, and you have to do nothing for Gusti and have no interaction with him?

Just focus on yourself, and on completing your law degree. Sounds like you are busy with a lot going on already, just ignore the cat.

 

[Talien]

Have you tried a "hands off" approach to Gustl? By that I mean something like a laser pointer, that way you can play with him from across the room without having to directly interact with him. You'll get to watch him having fun and know that you're part of it but don't have to touch him or even be near him. You might surprise yourself and laugh at his antics despite how you're feeling and that could be a first step to accepting him. You don't have to love him right away or even at all, not all people are compatible with all animals, you just need to be able to accept him for who he is, and believe it or not that is part of the healing process. Was it too soon for another Cat? Probably. But it is what it is and it's up to you to make the best of a bad situation.

As far as your boyfriend, yes you've talked with him about it but have you told him exactly how you're feeling? If not then you need to make sure there's no misunderstanding or things could easily go from bad to worse. From what you've said it sounds like you understand that it's not Gustl's fault and you aren't entirely sure why you don't like him, if that's the case then make sure your BF knows this and isn't thinking otherwise.

 

[Sarah26]

You know what I was in a very dark place when my MOTHER died, years ago. I was in a supposedly very very stable loving supportive relationship of many years with my loving boyfriend who'd lived with me for ages. He literally spent every second with me, every holiday, with me and my mom, through years of her terminal cancer diagnosis while she was tough and survived and even outlived her entire support group.

He treated us to meals out every weekend, carried groceries and walkers and wheelchairs, helped me with everything imaginable from countless horse moves and digging horse trailers out of fifty feet of snow in one day on his one day off to spending every holiday with just me and my mom.
He packed up moms apartment in two weeks when she died and dealt with four to seven cats and one large dog the whole timr he was with me

He dealt with my incapacitating grif migraines, took me on vacations, treated me to them and dealt with me taking in a very aggressive traumatized kitten.
You give and take in an adult relationship.

If you truly don't want the cat there, you get the heck out, get grief counseling, grow up and learn to live alone as an independent adult as everyone should before ever cohabitating with anyone.

If you can't afford it, then take your first ten to twelve years out of college and graduate school as I did living alone and learn how to deal with all aspects of it before burdening anyone with your baggage.

The second that wonderful guy told me that he would throw the little kitten out the window and I was a crazy cat lady, I told him we were over right now. And I meant it. I chose a tiny kitten over six or seven years of a very supportive loving relationship.

To be fair, it was a holiday and we both had been drinking a lot. He'd never hurt anyone, human or animal, and never would.

But I Felt a very strong intense connection instantly to that little starving kitten and felt that my mom had sent him to me from heaven. If anyone likes Garth Brooks, the "Mom" song felt like it was written for me, and my Ruby fits that baby since my mom loved kittens.
If you make your boyfriend choose between you and the cat, you will lose. If he gives up the cat for you, he will always worry about the cat, and you will always be the cold monster who didn't love either him or his baby enough
He never cane between you and your heart cat enough. It's so sad that you didn't learn any real lessons in true selfless unconditional love.
Cats aren't mean, they're scared and suffer from PTSD just like people.
You need help from your grief and to learn and truly listen to so much info about animals.

I don't think that you are capable of rating my maturity level because we had a brief encounter on the internet. First of all, I do not want to argue you with, I didn't mean to in my first reply, I do not mean to now. But your answer sounds very sharp to me- and again, sorry if I am wrong - but this is what I get from it.
I am sorry for your loss and that you had to struggle. But please do not compare your struggle to mine -it is different. You do not know me, you don't kow anything about my life or better yet my maturity, you know a tiny excerpt of my situation. And yes, you might look back on some more years of experience but don't confuse maturity with age.

I came here for stories and experiences, but I am in a different situation and I can't just swith off my thoughts. I am listening and reading, I am considering what everyone here has told me, including you, but you sound angry that I didn't listen to you. I do have doubts that every story here is transferable to me. Again, this has nothing to do with YOU or your story, it is me.

What hurt me was the "ditch the bf" comment and your call to cancel the wedding. This crosses a line. I know this is the internet and we're probably separated by an ocean, but I do not think you are in a position to tell me who to marry or not. I just don't want to leave this uncommentend and I hope you get that I am a reasonable person in a difficult situation. I am not here to offend anyone, I don't have energy for this.

Still, I don't think throwing away a relationshop over a cat is the right thing to do. I know now you see that differently, but I think that both - cats and humans - are creatures that need to be loved. I know enough about love and also unconditional love and the fact that you get so offended by the things I say, show that this strucks a nerve. I do not have to "grow up" to know that I have to take care for me as well as for my boyfriend and for any cat that lives me. Believe me, I had to grow up very fast and I don't want to open this chapter, but even if I might be young, I had some cruel strokes of fate already. I know myself and I am in touch with my feelings. My "emotional baggage" as you would call it, is something I like to communicate and no one has ever complained that I weigh him down with it.

I am always open for criticism, but I am also able to distinguish between criticism and an attack.

 

[susanm9006]

It seems to me that it all comes down to a two choices for you. You can keep the cat and hope that you adjust to it or you can insist that the cat be rehomed and risk that it it negatively affects your relationship. Those are difficult choices and I wish you the best.

 

[kittyluv387]

I think another cat is a good idea but I think you should wait a bit, maybe a couple months. Let yourself grieve.

Also it's true people don't bond to all cats right away. I adopted my 2nd cat out of duty and we didn't connect right away. He lived as a stray for a couple years at my apartment complex. I wanted to do something about him so I took him to the shelter to give his prior owners a chance to claim him but they didn't. So I brought him home. I wanted a playful and cuddly kitten playmate for my first kitten. This new cat Nemo was a reserved and very calm adult. He usually just chilled on my bed while my first kitten and I would hang out together in the living room. But several months later Nemo started opening up more. Yes he's still a very calm cat but he loves his momma. He's very cuddly and sweet. I really love and appreciate him now! So these things do happen.

 

[Etarre]

I think that if you find it in your heart to give the situation more time, things will improve.

My husband and I adopted Juniper after the death of our dearly beloved Gwen, and although it was too soon for him, he agreed to do it because I found it incredibly depressing to live without a cat. I give him a lot of credit for letting me make the decision that I needed to make at that time, and would've been heartbroken and angry if he had later insisted that I give Juniper up.

Initially, I do think that it being too soon for him made it difficult for him to bond with Juniper. But eventually, she won him over and we're a happy family.

One thing to remember is that it takes cats a long time to settle into a new living space, relationships with new people, and everything else that's scary about being adopted. We, as humans, know that cats are lucky to be adopted, but I'm not sure that they always know this right away.

Juniper was very fearful of us and her new environment when we got her, and it took a good 6-7 months before she'd hop in our laps, allow petting except in very limited circumstances, and generally not act completely intimidated by us. Sure, it was frustrating at times, especially since we were used to our super sweet and cuddly Gwen, and the situation required a lot of patience on our part. Please consider that the cat you have now will not necessarily behave in the same way in a few months, once he's fully settled in. Please also try to resist thinking of him as evil or hostile-- he didn't ask to succeed your beloved cat in this household, but he's dealing with a lot of baggage that comes from following such a wonderful cat.

What I'm saying overall is that if you can give it some time, as your b/f has requested, and try to take some pressure off yourself to bond immediately with this cat, you may be surprised. Good luck, and I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved Kurt.