No Bond My With My Cat, Grief And The Idea Of Another Cat...

[Sarah26]

Im sorry for the long title, there‘s a lot going on. I registered here because I feel like no one really understands my issues and those who want to help me say things that make me even more insecure. I think this is something, only cat owners can understand.


I might start where the problem begins:

My bf and I adopted a 15 yr old senior cat, Kurt, three years ago. He had kidney failure and heart issues but lived almost three more years. He died on 14th of Feb this year, so its been almost a month now that he‘s gone.

When I saw him for the first time I had instantly felt like we were meant to be together! It was literally love at first sight. We had a bond from day 1!
He was my first cat - I was 24 back then, living with my bf. I was never allowed to have a pet as a child so this was a dream come true! I was mad about him, I never knew I could love a cat SO much. I loved him more than anything. His face, his fur, his voice - to me he was perfect. My bf grew up with cats - Kurti was his 5th. So for him it was exciting too, but not as much as it was to me.

After Kurti died he left a huge hole. I was and am devastated. I still dont want it to be real but I know it is. I cry daily at least once. I literally sob for hours, looking at our pictures and I am unable to get myself to stop. I am in a very very deep grief and Ive stopped going to uni and doing other things. I dont know how to it without bursting out into tears, I dont care about anything but my little boy who isnt here anymore.

So as my depression continued, my bf suggested we would adopt another cat, not as a substitute but to revive our home and give us another cat to care for. Thats how we got Gustl. We found him on the internet, talked to his caretaker for about 2 weeks and exchanged news and pictures daily. I felt like we got to know hom enough to be sure that he can be our cat.

But now that he is here (its been 7 days today) I dont like him. I mean, I like him, but I dont feel anything when I look at him. I did not have a bond, nor any maternal feelings. He is.... well, just another cat to me. He bites, is aggressive and theres something wild and obnoxious about him. He is 5 and is known for being a „problem cat“. We knew that, but I thought I could handle it. But I cant take it. Hes mean and nothing like the cat I need. I feel like an imposter, like I dont really like cats how they are - I feel like a monster, but I dont want him here. If it was only my decision I would have given him back the 2nd day. I hate myself to say that, I hate how I can be such a cruel person.

But it is getting worse everyday. I cry even more about Kurt, I feel anxious and I am scared of him. I look at him and Im just angry at myself because of our decision and I am angry because I have got myself into this situation.

To make it worse, my bf likes him! He likes that he is wild and he thinks he is cute. Theres something about his face that is just mean - I dont see cuteness. My bf does though. And he dared me to wait another 6 weeks, because he is sure, I will get used to him and eventually grow into liking him. I dont think so! As much as I try to like him, I just cant. Could it be my grief? Or is it true that you NEED a bond right from the start? I am scared it is the latter - because I had it with Kurt and I know it exists. Did anyone dislike his/her cat at first but loved it as time went by? Really loved it? Is it possible?

And what do I do if it fails. How will my bf cope - will he even be willing to give him back? I admit that I need a lot from my pet, i need to be wanted and needed. I want my cat to be my everything, not just someone I tolerate. I cant tolerate him for the next 10 years.

This is where my last question comes up (I wonder if anyone made it until here - im sorry):
Would another cat maybe be a good idea? To give some background: he has met 5 cats before, he hated all of them. He couldnt stay nowhere because he was aggressive towards every other cat he met. Thats why he is alone at the moment. BUT - he is so wild, he plays ALL THE TIME. He is so needy!!! I am almost certain he needs another cat. Do you think there is another cat he could get along with? Maybe one I have a bond with? Is this a crazy idea and do I just search for an easy way out? I dont know he is 5 - is there a chance he can get used to another cat?

Im so sorry for this long story.... I am just completely helpless here

 

[verna davies]

You are still grieving for Kurt, its only been a couple of weeks and with such a deep bond it can take months to allow yourself to like another cat because they are and never will be Kurt. No cat will replace him and fill that gap. I think you need to give yourself a little time to accept things. Remember that you took in a sick cat and a senior, not many people would have the courage to do that. You cared and loved him and gave him all he could have needed. Be proud of yourself for doing that.
Gustl is most probably overwhelmed, new home, strange smells and strange people and cats can pick up on our feelings so he most probably realises your dislike of him. Give him a chance and he might surprise you.
As far as getting another cat is concerned, I personally think you need more time to grieve and Gustl needs more time for his true personality to come through. You will know when the time is right, its just not yet. When the time does come you will see a cat or kitten and just know .

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello
I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time.

These might help for you personally;
Lend Me A Kitten

Grieving

 

[Sarah26]

Thank you for your honest opinion. I am afraid it was too early too - a huge weight would be lifted up my shoulder if I knew it is „only“ the grief. I dont know anything and Im so insecure about my own feelings. I want to give him a chance, I do - but I cant stop overthinking.

 

[Sarah26]

Thank you. Im currently reading the „Grieving“ Thread - there‘s a lot I start to understand....

 

[Jem]

Hi Sarah26
Let me first say that I'm so sorry for your loss of Kurt, a bond like that does not always happen and I'm sure he was sent to you because of the love and compassion you would be able to show him in his final years. It takes a special person to do what you did.
I would also like to hopefully ease your mind about having to bond right away to learn to love a cat. I don't believe a love at first sight bond has to happen in the first moments.
You are still grieving, and it can take time to allow your heart to be open to another. It may simply have been too soon, but I would still encourage you keep an open mind and allow for some bonding time with your new kitty. Gustl is also adjusting to his surroundings and he feels your sadness and grief. He can sense your hesitation and "dislike" towards him and is probably fearful because of that. But if you can open a new spot, a different spot, in your heart for him he will learn to trust you. It will take time for both of you, but I'm sure you will form a unique bond that is only for the two of you.
You may never experience the deep soul bond you have for Kurt, and that is OK, every relationship is different and provides something different for everyone involved. And it does not lessen the love you will have, it's just different although just as important.
I would not get a second cat right now, everyone needs a chance to get to know each other and settle into a new routine as well as heal. Try not to compare this new precious kitty to Kurt and try to see what else you can offer each other. Maybe the reason for him being the way he is, is because you need a little "chaos" (the good kind) in your life. Bonding with a cat using high energy play is joyful and down right funny. Let him see you as a someone who is fun and someone to play with and I'm sure his aggression will start to diminish. And be sure to give yourself permission to bond with him as well, you will never be able to replace your sweet Kurt, but I'm sure Kurt would not want you to not experience joy with another life that needs a loving home.
Grief is not something you can rush, but it's OK to experience joy while you go thru it.
Anyway, that's what I would do, I would try to create a different bond that both of you need right now, but let it take it's course, it doesn't always happen overnight.

 

[Furballsmom]

About your new cat Gustl, I had the thought of another cat in due time. I realize that this boy is not an easy temperament for other cats to deal with.
This isn't to say that there's not a feline out there who could handle him, but it may be a bit challenging. And as mentioned, you need however much time as you need, for yourself, and for you and Gustl.

When you're ready, maybe you could become involved in a foster arrangement so that if things don't work out, you'd be able to return the cat, or if/when it does, then you could proceed with adopting.

So, has Gustl been to the vet to ensure he's all ok?

Allow me to provide you with some short, informative articles, both to try and help with Gustl and also for a new kitty if you decide to try that.

You sound to me like a lovely, smart person. You will be able to persevere, one step at a time

Harness And Leash Training For Cats

Bored Cat? What Cat Owners Need To Know (including 10 Actionable Tips)

The Multi-cat Household

Bringing Home A New Cat - The Complete Guide

9 Tips That Will Help Your Kitten Adapt To A New Apartment

8 Superb Automated Cat Toys That You're Going To Love!

Cat Trees: 12 Designs That Will Make You Go "wow!"

How To Make Your Home Bigger (at Least For Your Cats)

 

[Kflowers]

Your emotions are grief. You are angry at Gusti because he is alive and Kurt isn't. That's human, not fair, but human.

I suggest don't try to bond with Gusti. Just be civil and do the things he needs to be okay. Don't bother cuddling him. don't be mean, but be like two people each living in their own apartment. You don't have to feel guilt about it, your BF will give him all the affection he needs. I'm amazed you are still able to give your BF affection. Sometimes grief can put a stop to all affection, all other emotions, leaving only a numbness, and annoyance that anyone wants anything at all from you.

It seems that those who aren't in deep grief, or who have never been there, just don't get how hard it is to simply get up in the mornings, much less feel anything other than disrepair.

Grief takes it's own time. Accept that. Remind your BF of that. Anyone who tells you you should just move on, say thank you for your opinion, then ignore the hell out of them.

hugs and know that it will get better, but not before it is time for it to get better. I've been there a lot, it takes as long as it takes, a week, a month, a year, several years. There is no right or wrong.

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[Sarah26]

thank you! I feel a little lighter, now that no one yet has made me feel like a heartless monster and there is- indeed -hope. Yes, we might have rushed this - in restrospect I agree that a little more time would have been helpful. However, Gustl is here now and it is not his fault I am feeling this way - that much is true.
Kurti was special, my soulmate, my partner in crime. My heart jumped and broke at the same time when we met. He was skinny with rough furr and completetely toothless. He was given 6-12 months, he proved them all wrong and lived three! I think that's what making it so "magical" to me - it was us against the world and I felt safe with him.
I will give my best to try to bond with Gustl - not quite sure how, but I know I have to. It's good to hear you can bond later too - I have this image in my mind, how true cat love can only exist when you feel it right away. My bf even says Im looking for reasons not to like him because I realized I am still grieving and I couldnt admit that I was looking for a cat like Kurt.

Gustl has been to the vet, he's completely healthy. He has lived in 4 other places before - he attacked people and cats and is something you would call a "problem cat". I bet he's scared - but it's hard to forget when he gets hostile.

The new cat is not something we want to rush - it's just something I think might be a good idea, despite of all the things the caretaker told us. I believe he might enjoy company - he loves and NEEDS attention and someone to be wild with.

 

[Fish Em]

I feel like I know how you feel. I have got 2 cats now since I lost my first cat and they just cannot take my Dexter's place even though they are special and actually one is many times better than Dexter in being affectionate and caring towards my kids. But it's not the same!
Over time you will see how special Gustl is, but you just need time.

 

[Furballsmom]

I'm so glad you came here, and as you go through this, let us know how you are doing

 

[Sarah26]

K Kflowers (is that how tagging works?) - Thank you. Yes, I hate how everyone tells me to move on. I makes me feel weird and wrong and like it isnt normal what I do. But I can't move on right now - there's too much tears I still need to cry.
So do you mean that I should NOT try to bond with him because it will come naturally once I am ready or that I should accept that my bf will give him the attention he needs and I will be fine with not having to bond with him ever?
Im sorry - im not a native english speaker, sometimes I need to clarify..

 

[Furballsmom]

That is how tagging works

 

[amethyst]

I agree that you are likely still grieving and just aren't ready to open you heart again. I had a similar experience with my first dog. I had wanted a dog all my life but was never able to have one growing up, so once I got married and moved to an acreage I can have whatever I want. I did tons of research to find the perfect dog, and met a rough collie who I clicked with right away. When he died I was devastated, I was just kind of going through the motions of the day, not really wanting to do anything. My husband thought a new puppy would be a good idea to help cheer me up. The problem was although he was cute, he was a puppy and not my well behaved adult dog. I also felt anger and resentment towards the pup, I knew it was wrong but that is just how I felt. The only reason he was here is because my beloved dog had died. I do have a bond with him now, but that pup is pretty much my husband's dog now (he actually prefers men anyway). It took me about a year before I was ready to open my heart again to another dog, and by then I really wanted another collie, the pup we got a year prior was a mutt.

I think what you should do it try to take a step back, don't try to force a bond with the new cat. If you are able to it might help to just think of Gustl as your bf's cat, rather then a new cat for you, that way you might feel less pressure to bond with him. Gustl is just a new housemate, and when you are ready I think a bond will form, like building a new friendship. Some friendships are pretty instant, and it's like you've always known each other, others develop over time as you find common interests.

Another thing that stands out is you said Gustl has already been in 4 other homes? No wonder he is aggressive, he has been hurt repeatedly, think of it like a kid that has gone from foster home to foster home. He likely doesn't know if he can trust you or if you are going to just give up on him and toss him along like all his previous homes. I think you need to give him time to settle in and realize he isn't going anywhere, I think in another 6 months to a year he will be a very different cat. It's very likely once he feels secure he will show you his true self, the aggression could very likely just be his defense. Your bf may already see glimpses of Gustl's true self now, but you just aren't able to yet since you are still in the fog of grief causing you to only see what he is not.

 

[rubysmama]

Hello and welcome to TCS. Sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. But glad you've found our cat community with people who can understand how you're feeling.

First off, condolences on the loss of Kurt. RIP sweet boy. If you think it might help, we have a Crossing the Bridge forum where you could post a tribute to him.

The fact that you adopted a senior cat with health issues, who lived for 3 more years under your care, tells me you are a capable, caring, and compassionate cat parent. And though you only had him a short time, it sounds like Kurt was your "soul kitty". Many members here have that one cat that will always be the one that held onto the biggest part of their heart, but that doesn't mean you can't love another cat. It just might be a different kind of love. And like all grief, eventually you'll be able to think of Kurt without bursting into tears.

Is that gorgeous orange cat in your avatar pic, Kurt?

About your new cat, Gustl, it sounds like he is going to be a challenge. And I don't think all of it is due to your grief. You may never love him in the same way that you loved Kurt, but you also shouldn't be scared of him. Rather than worry about the love part right now, perhaps you can work with your boyfriend on Gustl's aggressive behaviour.

Here are links to some TCS articles that might be helpful.

Cat Aggression Toward People
Why Do Cats Attack?
How To Stop Playtime Aggression In Cats

Is Your Cat Stressed Out?
You, Your Cat And Stress
Potential Stressors In Cats - The Ultimate Checklist
Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

How To Help A New Cat Adjust To Your Home

About adopting another cat, I wouldn't rush into that. For one, you probably still aren't ready to completely give your heart to another cat. And two, with Gustl's history of not getting along with other cats, I think you'd just be bringing more stress into all of your lives.

Oh, btw, your English is perfect. I would never have known it was not your first language.

 

[Sarah26]

amethyst thank you for sharing you experience with your dogs. I am a bit afraid he will always remain my bf‘s cat and I will feel like the third wheel... and the more answers I get I have to realize that maybe it will never be again how it was with Kurt - and it is breaking my heart, again.
On the one hand I feel like I am almost forcing a relationship with Gustl because I need it so bad, on the other I still have huge doubts about how we will ever be able to accept each other at least 5 times a day. Its an emotional rollercoaster.

Yes hes been to 4 places before - not even long, mostly 1-6 weeks everywhere. I also think he is testing us and hes trying to find out whether or not he can trust us after all those times he was disappointed. But he gets some real rage moments where he looks straight up crazy, hostile and furious and it scares me. These are the moments when I look at him and cant seem to find ANY cuteness at all. I might really need to stop overthinking this but I also start to think it might be his breed I dont like. Kurti was an European Short Hair, ginger with slightly rounded ears and huge eyes. Gustl is an Arabian Mau with pointy ears a triangle face and a very lean body. He also has very short fur with no undercoat so he appears almost naked with a slight cover of fur sometimes. I never even thought of these things before, you see, I looked at cats as cats and I didnt care about their colour or breed. But now I get these moments when I am convinced that no matter what, it will always be his not so fluffy fur and pointy face thats keeping me from liking him. I dont like myself for these superficial thoughts but they exist

 

[Sarah26]

Hello rubysmama and thank you!

I have written so many tributes to him, I feel like it helps a little bit. I really like the idea of translating one of them and post it. I always feel like I owe him as much attention as possible. He loved that
Yes that ginger boy with his tongue out is Kurt! He was toothless so his tongue was out A LOT I think, no I am almost sure, he was my soul kitty. Iam not exaggerating when I say that these 3 years with him were the best time of my life in every aspect. I look at his perfect face and sob uncontrollably - It breaks my heart to accept that he is no longer here. I miss him so so bad. He had this softness yet maturity only senior cats have - it made me calm and I think he appreciated that we were so lazy because we‘ve spent days with him in bed and now my bed is like a blanket of snow, cold and heavy.

Gustl has these random outbursts where he just attacks without any reason (it seems). Yesterday I walked past him and he jumped up and bit me in the thigh. I start to feel very uneasy when I cross hime now. Also he does this weird thing where he purrs and purrs and ditches his head against us, sits ner ratagxt to us, acts cuddly and soft and then bites REALLY hard! My bf had to drag him off me because he wouldnt let go. I will look at the links and try to make him change this behaviour asap - thank you.


Yes, the new cat - I came up with this as a makeshift solution because I thought itd made me feel better. But its true - its not time yet, neither for me nor for Gustl. But still - I think we should consider in the future - I dont think he wants to spend his next 10+ years without a cat friend.

 

[lisa1706]

Im so sorry for the loss of your baby. I went thru the same thing in 2017. I lost my kitty after 19 years. I adopted a cat too soon and I just didnt like him. I felt awful. Luckily I had a "trial period" with the rescue and returned him. He was mean. I felt like an awful person. I think if u go about your business and do necessities for the new cat right now, thats "good enough." Dont try to force a bond. Give it time. I was later able to adopt a two year old. We didnt bond right away but I love her dearly. We are still working on our relationship. She was abused and she is starting to trust me more. Hang in there. U have done nothing wrong!

 

[marmoset]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I think it's important for you to give yourself time to grieve and try not to have any expectations about what kind of feelings you will have for Gustl. You can't force or change your feelings, likewise you can't talk yourself into being over the loss of your other kitty or being ready for the new one. Take the pressure off of yourself. Be good to Gustl but don't place unnecessary expectations on yourself. Cats build relationships slowly- much slower than humans oftentimes so in his mind a gradual development of trust is natural and the best way to go. You don't need to feel rushed.

Everyone handles loss differently and we even handle different losses in different ways. One family member dies and that anger stage is dominant another dies and it's depression that dominates. Pets are family and often the loss of a pet is one of the worst experiences of grief that a person will have.

About 7 years ago my "soulcat" died. At that point I had had numerous cats and she really was the one who was beyond any connection I've ever had to an animal. I can still cry for her but like your Kurt, she was a senior and my husband and I were preparing ourselves for her passing for a long time.

When she died I got a new cat the very next day. I went less than 24 hours before bringing home a new adoptee. For me that was the right thing and I don't regret it to this day. I felt like the timing was all lined up. Our cat was gregarious and social. She wouldn't want us to be alone and she certainly would want us to give another cat a home and in some very strange part of me I felt like she held on until our next cat was ready for us and when she let us know it was her time and she didn't want to suffer for one more day she was also saying I'm counting on you to give the best home to another cat who is waiting for a home and at risk right now.

My husband needed more time to grieve. He wasn't really ready for another cat to come in so quickly and he fought the feeling of guilt for "replacing" our other cat with a new cat. He battled guilt for a while. There were many times where he spoke to me about not being sure she was the right one or if we brought her in too early. It took him some time but one year later she was his "soulcat". I have a good relationship with her but she was and is much more bonded to him and now 7 years later she is still his little girl. My husband wasn't able to let her into his heart until he had properly grieved for our past cat. Each day he'd fluctuate between being ok with her, liking her, occasionally feeling moments of love for her but doubting the relationship, feeling unready and worrying he'd never connect.

In time things worked out. I was able to rehabilitate the biting aggressive cat into a not so bitey cat and I'm absolutely certain that she would've been returned over and over again if the timing wasn't perfect and she went to a different home. She's a success story only because she was given a chance in a home where we were patient with her and for my husband, with himself.