Missing My Pretty Girl So Soo Much... :(

Leomc123

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Joyful rose, it has been 10 months since Leo and 7 months since mc passed away, and i can say that i am in the same boat as you are. Funnily enough like you i thought i was getting better with this loss and yesterday it all hit me again as if it happend just yesterday i didnt cry this time it just that my mood was so low and dark just remembering those two times at the vet how it all played out and thinking about what was said to me, trying to think how healthy they were and suddenly their health going down hill and that decision i made for both of them. Same like you my vets didnt run any blood work tests and just told me for leo he needed an expensive operation and would be the same or worse off after it and for MC they said she was on her way out and nothing could be done.

I know i think i made the best decision at the time, but at the same time i think, something else could have been done as the vets could have been wrong especially when i read that some vets have a list of things they will try to treat, this i never knew which still makes me wonder at times.

Also if a vet is willing to treat my cats for more longer, does this mean my cats will keep suffering for a longer period of time waiting to do more tests etc and we cant tell that they are suffering because meds are not working, changing more medications which isnt heling or will they be ok and is the vet doing it just for more money to keep my cats alive longer because i am in denial or is the vet assisting and trying to save a life and truly sees hope or know that my cats has a chance to survive? But in the back of my mind i also think would they have been suffering more than needed just for my sake to keep trying or maybe they would have been ok if i saw a different vet or tried something else. I wish i knew and god only knows this answer. I wish i knew the answer. Its not easy to end ones life .
 
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joyfulrose

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Miss you every day my sweet angel

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whether it was right or wrong i feel like i will never stop hating and blaming myself for losing you. I just wish you were here. :(


You will forever be in my heart ❤
 

di and bob

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It's a vicious circle, you would have hated yourself more if you would have lengthened her suffering.......She is a beaurtiful part of your past, one of the best parts. Don't let your hate and blame make that any less. Honor her by going forward and making her world, which she shares through you now, one of love, of joy, of being thankful you shared your life for a little while with such a beautiful soul.......
 
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joyfulrose

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11 months and one week since I lost my beautiful Rosie. I miss her so much. every single day i miss her :( ❤
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joyfulrose

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One year one week and 2 days since the worst day of my life. I tried to write something here on the exact day of the one year anniversary but just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I can't believe it's been a year without my beautiful baby. The other day my eyes filled with tears that i could not stop just thinking of her.
It's only 10 days till Christmas and I'm just not feeling it this year. I usually love the Christmas time and get so happy/excited decorating, baking, shopping for gifts for everyone but this year I haven't done any of that. I put up the tree but I've been holding off decorating it for so long. Tonight I finally started putting up the ornaments but I just don't feel that same happiness i once felt. I have an ornament of her sweet face, as soon as I put that up I had to take a break because I was filled with so much sadness. It's sad to think that i'm never gonna be the same person I was before I lost her. I feel like she took a huge piece of my heart when she left me.
There's not one day that has gone by where I didn't think of her.

I love you and miss you so so much my pretty girl. Wish things could have been different, I'm so sorry. :(
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:redheartpump:
 

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joyfulrose joyfulrose sending all my comforting thoughts. I’m so sorry it’s so hard. :( Your girl was so stunningly beautiful.

It’s been exactly one year, a week, and two days for me, too. I believe we lost our precious girls on the same day (or maybe one day apart since I’m in a different time zone). I like to think that wherever they are, they are snuggling together and having their own kitty Christmas, in a peaceful place with no more pain.

It's sad to think that i'm never gonna be the same person I was before I lost her. I feel like she took a huge piece of my heart when she left me.
I know what you mean. I don’t think we CAN ever be the same... but I think, I hope, that with enough time, the gifts of wisdom and love that our girls taught us will become the focal point when we remember of them, instead of the grief... In the meantime, though, it’s okay to mourn. Even on Christmas. I wish you all the peace and love... Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to vent. I know how it feels and you’re not alone. :alright: :hearthrob:
 

di and bob

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You have to fill that incredibly huge hole in your life with something, sadness right now......I remember bursting into tears so many times, the grief can overtake your emotions in an instant. My first Christmas and several after were horrible. My husband and my remaining babies gave me some joy through their joy. I had none so I filled up on theirs. I was helped by going through the motions of routine, of feeding, of cleaning litterboxes, of preparing for holidays even though I didn't feel it. But over time, over years, routine overtook my dwelling on sadness. Of making myself miserable (and everyone around me) over something I could not change. Of SLOWLY coming back to the world of living. Of course what happened has changed your life also, she is missing, just like my own little one. I know words can never change what you are feeling, but I hope knowing so many have been through what you are going through, and are here to give you comfort, gives you a little hope that things will get better in the future. Empathy is a comfort in itself. Nothing can change the past and what happened, but try to remember your precious Rosie is also a part of that past, the wonderful part. Celebrate this sacred time of the year because of what you shared with Rosie, of what she gave to you and left you with, her legacy of love that you will always hold dear. I know the grief is horrible and consuming. Don't let it take over the wonderful memories and happiness you shared with her. It will if you let it.
Do something in this season that will bring joy to others, maybe some bags of treats to your local shelter, some canned food that is seldom enjoyed. A gentle pet and time with one that needs it so very much. It will bring comfort to your broken heart knowing you made a small difference. And do it in that precious girl's name, so as to offer a tribute to her wonderful legacy of love......
 
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joyfulrose

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I thought I was doing okay for a while but the last two days i've been crying myself to sleep. When I close my eyes I keep seeing this image of her when she was cuddled up next to me and she'd do this cute thing where she'd kinda wink at me and then do this adorable thing where she turns her head so her chin faces up idk how to explain it properly- here's a picture ....
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and she'd just look up at me like that. She always did this when she was happy :( I can't get that image out of my mind. Every night I just keep thinking that she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve any of this. I really hate myself for listening to the vets and allowing them to convince us to have her put to sleep. She was the sweetest cat in the world. No matter how much I try to get anyone to understand that, they never will. She was one of a kind, had the most beautiful heart, I've had sweet cats before, but none like my Rosie, no other cat could ever compare. She was so special. I am so sad that it had to be this way and she had to leave me.
I keep thinking about what the vets said that night - they suspected she had FIP or Cancer. I'll never know if that's what it was. So many of the vets we saw said that, so maybe they were right. I'll never really know for sure and it's so hard to live with that. To live with not knowing. Sometimes I worry that maybe I worried too much about her when she didn't seem right or didn't seem well. Maybe I over did it because I was so scared of anything ever happening to her. I remember how hard it was when I first noticed her having trouble urinating or when she would lay in her litter box. Or when she was hardly eating. I worry maybe i over reacted somehow when i saw all these signs. I have three other cats and sometimes they have different issues but they always overcome them and get better. Maybe not to the same extent as Rosie, but I keep thinking, what if by me worrying so much and taking her to so many vets I just made things worse? Maybe I shouldn't have done that? Maybe she would have gotten better on her own and overcame whatever it was. I was so scared of losing her though, I was so scared of anything happening to her, I couldn't imagine my life ever with out her. That's why I took her to the vets. All the signs and symptoms she was having scared me, I worried if she didn't get help I would lose her. She started off not being able to urinate, then no being able to pass a bowel movement, and the fluid that accumulated in her belly, the weakness, it all looked so bad. I hope I did the right thing. I hope I did right by her.
I still remember her last lil sad meow to me before the vet came in the room to give her the injections. It absolutely broke my heart. At the time I felt like she was telling me she didn't want to go yet that she didn't want to leave me. And sometimes I still feel that way. I think if she was truly dying as the vet had told me that night then she would have wanted it to happen at home where she was surrounded by her loved ones in a familiar place. I am just so upset with myself for listening to the vets and taking that away from her.

I apologize, I am just feeling a lot of sadness this Christmas eve. It's not the same without her. It feels as though I've lost a family member and I've lost a huge part of myself along with her. I don't know how I will ever be the same again.

I miss you so much my sweet Rosie. I will love you forever.
 

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I'm not sure if this will help or not, but reading through your posts describing what was happening to her, I really believe you did make the right decision and it is what I would have done in that situation. Vets don't always have the best bedside manner and don't always do the best job of explaining things, but it's more likely than not that they were right. A UTI, if she even had one, was the least of her problems.

Fluid in the abdomen, regardless of the cause, is a very bad thing. As it builds up it can cause symptoms that she had like difficulty or even the inability to eat or eliminate, basically it puts so much pressure on organs that they can't function properly and that includes the bladder and intestines. If you've ever had an intestinal blockage you'll know what being unable to eat even if you're hungry is like. Now imagine feeling that 24/7 for the rest of your life, and that's only part of what your Cat was likely going through. Draining the fluid doesn't really help as it will build up again in a matter of a few days and things are right back where they were.

It sounds like she didn't want to go, but if it was FIP it would have gotten worse each day until it eventually killed her. Cancer, same thing over a longer period with more suffering. You did the right thing by preventing her from having to face that.
 

zed xyzed

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The holiday's are difficult when we don't have our dearest friends with us. Guilt is such an awful feeling, it skews our perception, almost always making it worse and more painful. What you did was out of love and compassion, you knew it would crush you, but still made the decision to make sure your Rosie didn't suffer. That is one of the most selfless actions a person can make; that takes real love. Your sweet Rosie knows you love her. I am sorry you are suffering so much.
 
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di and bob

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You have to let go of that guilt and second guessing. I know how hard that is, it never completely goes away. I know Rosie would never want you to go on this way. How do I know that? because I can see the love in her eyes.......Of course you will never be the same again, you HAVE lost a family member and a big part of your life. But just as you would want for her, she would not want her death to take away your life too. You can never change the past, but you can form your future and carry her memories forward with you. To be remembered and loved is the greatest tribute of all. Rosie's love will always be a part of your heart and soul, and she carries a piece of your heart with her too, nothing can take that away...........
 
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joyfulrose

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Thank you everyone. I appreciate every reply I get. You have all helped me so much and it truly means the word to me.
Today makes One year and one month since I lost my beautiful Rosie.
Two nights ago I dreamt of her. I remember just feeling really terrible after new years had passed and just thinking I was a terrible person for letting the vets convince me to put my baby down that last night at the ER. Before I went to bed that night I hoped that God would give me some sort of sign. I needed to know if I did the right thing. I needed a sign from him.
When I went to sleep that night I dreamt of her beautiful face. In the dream she looked happy and healthy. She was following me around the house (like she used to do) and I remember in the dream i went to my room and she was sitting on my bed. I was looking at her and talking to her, she looked so happy, so so happy. The way she used to before she got sick. I remember there was a moment in my dream where I looked at her beautiful face and I said to her "i love you baby" and she meowed back happily at me and said "i love you"...she loved me too. I know that part of the dream is a bit odd and silly because obviously cats can't talk but I remember I was so shocked to hear her say it back to me.
After I woke up from the dream I was so happy that I dreamt of her and saw her face. I felt somewhat at peace. More than I have ever felt before. I still miss her so much and I still get sad because I wish she could be here with me. But as silly as that dream may be, It made me feel better to know that she loved me too. I guess it kinda, in a way felt like that sign i had been hoping for.

Miss you my sweet Rosie. Love you forever ❤
 
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