Missing My Pretty Girl So Soo Much... :(

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joyfulrose

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I can't tell you how sorry I am, Your Rosie was a beautiful girl, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you made the call based on her not suffering you sacrificed your everything to make sure she didn't suffer; and that is the most selfless act one could ever make. Rosie knew you loved her, your bond with her will be with you forever, nothing will ever break it and nothing will ever take away the beautiful memories of your sweet girl.
Thank you for the kind words. She really was so so beautiful. I miss her pretty lil face every min of every day. I miss her gorgeous kind eyes looking up at me and her sweet lil meows.. :(
It's been a struggle dealing with how I lost her. I try to convince myself that she had to have been very sick (all the signs and symptoms were there, it's evident in pictures from the last year if i allow myself to look close enough, even in the blood work she was anemic, had a very very high wbc, low atl, signs of extreme inflammation, possibly pancreatitis, she tested postive for coronavirus- so many vets told me they suspected she had wet fip, and a few said cancer) so maybe this was the most humane thing to do but I still feel terrible that I allowed it to happen because it was something i never ever thought i would have to do.., something i never wanted to do. Something I always believed should not be our choice. I was not even strong enough to give the vet the "ok" to euthanize that night... my mom was with me and was the one who did that. But i feel horrible for not trying to stop it. I cried and cried and told my mom i felt like i wanted her to be with me till the very end, but i also didn't want her to suffer, i wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. She assured me that it was and I stood there frozen and before i knew it my baby was gone forever. :bawling:
Of course I knew my baby was getting older(she was 17) I knew she would not live forever, but in those 17 years that i had her i never really let myself ever truly think about not having her in my life. I always hoped if the time came, she would go peacefully at home surrounded by all those who love her. And I hoped she would be a lil older (at least 20) but never would have I ever thought she would suddenly develop fluid in her abdomen in a matter of few days, become very weak, start losing her balance, have trouble urinating/passing a bowel movement... only to take her to the ER to have them tell my beautiful kitty is dying and there is nothing they can do to help her. :bawling:
 
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"And I hoped she would be a lil older (at least 20) but never would have I ever thought she would suddenly develop fluid in her abdomen in a matter of few days, become very weak, start losing her balance, have trouble urinating/passing a bowel movement... only to take her to the ER to have them tell my beautiful kitty is dying and there is nothing they can do to help her."

Joyfulrose it was the same for me i always thought they would pass away peacefully in their own time, before january 2019 MC went to the vet 3 times in 20ish years for small stuff, and leo went to vet two times in 12 years for abcess and desex. Leo started limping and went to vet 4 times then downhill 4 months later, when he had the limp i thought it was a limp and a limp gets better eventually, not end up being incontinent and disabled from it and then being put down :( mc out of the blue started drooling then in 4 days was put down. I always knew they would die but not like this Mc was suddenly and she died 3 months after leo. i feel cheated like i didnt get a chance to help them, they were both healthy cats, strong cats. I just dont know what the hell happened.
 
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joyfulrose

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6 months and 4 days now since i lost my beautiful angel. That's half a year- I truly don't know how I managed to go on without my sweet Rosie for that long. It's been the hardest and saddest 6 months of my life. I try my best to keep busy and that does help a little but there are moments when I think of her and how i lost her, how it all happened and my heart feels like it breaking into a million pieces all over again. She is always on my mind and always in my heart. The memories I have of her, her sweet kind face, her cute lil meows, her favorite spots in my apartment, her favorite toys that she loved to bring to me as gifts to show me how much she loved me, her favorite foods and treats, the way she loved to cuddle up next to me or sleep on my arm next to my head every single night since i first got her, the way she loved to follow me around the house no matter what i was doing, the way she'd miss me and start meowing until i came back if i ever left the room she was in, all of these things are still so clear in my mind. I miss her so so much, I don't think I will ever be able to convey to anyone just how much. My heart aches still till this day.

Whenever I look at her pictures the tears start pouring down my face and I feel so much pain in my heart. I feel like i have been in denial for a long time, I loved her so much that I didn't want to believe she could be really sick and have something such as cancer or fip and could not be treated. I didn't want to believe what anyone was telling me because I never wanted to lose her. But when I look at pictures of her the last couple days before she passed it's clear that something was very wrong. You could see it in her face and in her eyes. And her overall appearance- she was deteriorating rapidly. Her face was no longer full and healthy looking, neither was her body. She was already very bony and skinny to begin with but those last 2/3 days she was extremely thin looking despite how much i tried to feed her. When I carried her she was light as a feather and i could feel all of her bones, i was always so careful and gentle with her because she felt so very fragile. I don't know how or why but something happened and I'm just so sad that I couldn't help her, that nothing I did or tried made her better, that none of the 6 vets we saw was able to do anything to save her. I feel like I failed her and still feel so guilty. She needed me to save her/help her get better and I couldn't. I will never know with 100% certainty if what she truly had was cancer or wet fip like many of the vets told me but something was very wrong and I'm just soo so so sorry to her. I hope she knew how much I loved her and how I really did try and everything I did was with her best interest in mind and because I wanted her to be happy and healthy.



(these photos above were when she was a bit more healthy)

It's very very hard for me to share these pictures below but these are the night before she passed, some of the last photos i have of her- she looked so different (the ones from the last night are even more heart shattering):bawling:

I would give anything to have her here beside me one last time so I could kiss her and cuddle her and tell her how much i love her.
I love you my sweet baby Rosie you will forever be in my heart :hearthrob::redheartpump::hearthrob::redheartpump:
 

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Man, your story broke my heart... Our four year old cat cat Penny has a feeding tube for almost two weeks now because of hepatic lipidosis. When the vets from the clinic were doing all sorts of tests to find out if there was more going on (we assumed she stopped eating because she's a very picky eater and refused to eat new food she needed for her bladder), I went through absolute HELL. I was so afraid we were going to lose our little floof. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. The only thing I could do was crying, panicking, and some more crying. I was a total wreck. It's the worst kind of grief I experienced since my dad died when I was 8 years old. We adopted her in October 2016, and since then I had some anxiety attacks once in a while when I thought about losing her.

I can't imagine what you're going through. The thought of losing our cat has made me bawl my eyes out lots of times, especially the past few weeks. Luckily she's doing better now, but the fear of losing her one day is very very present now. I visited my psychologist once a month since six months, but I'm planning on going two times a month again now (I have Asperger's).

It breaks my heart that you're going through that emotional rollercoaster. I told my boyfriend I'd give Penny 10 years of my life without hesitation. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I really fear the day we have to say goodbye. I want to send you all the virtual hugs I can give. Rosie was really adorable. <3
 
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Man, your story broke my heart... Our four year old cat cat Penny has a feeding tube for almost two weeks now because of hepatic lipidosis. When the vets from the clinic were doing all sorts of tests to find out if there was more going on (we assumed she stopped eating because she's a very picky eater and refused to eat new food she needed for her bladder), I went through absolute HELL. I was so afraid we were going to lose our little floof. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. The only thing I could do was crying, panicking, and some more crying. I was a total wreck. It's the worst kind of grief I experienced since my dad died when I was 8 years old. We adopted her in October 2016, and since then I had some anxiety attacks once in a while when I thought about losing her.

I can't imagine what you're going through. The thought of losing our cat has made me bawl my eyes out lots of times, especially the past few weeks. Luckily she's doing better now, but the fear of losing her one day is very very present now. I visited my psychologist once a month since six months, but I'm planning on going two times a month again now (I have Asperger's).

It breaks my heart that you're going through that emotional rollercoaster. I told my boyfriend I'd give Penny 10 years of my life without hesitation. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I really fear the day we have to say goodbye. I want to send you all the virtual hugs I can give. Rosie was really adorable. <3
Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry about your dad and for all you went through with your sweet penny but I am glad she is doing better now. I hope she continues to do well for many many many more years to come. Wishing her a speedy recovery! :hearthrob:

Losing a pet is such a hard thing to go through, i wish no one ever had to experience this pain. This was the first time I ever lost a pet. Rosie was so special to me, she was my cat all through out my young and teen years and now in my college and adult years. I had her ever since she was a baby kitten. We had such a strong and special bond, nothing like I ever felt with any other cat before. She was like a family member to me. We shared 17 wonderful years together. I remember feeling just like you described a couple days before my Rosie passed. Those last two weeks and last couple days before she passed I couldn't eat or sleep, i sat next to her all day every day opening up several different canned foods, treats, dry food bags, trying to find anything she would be willing to eat. I also thought that she was just very picky so I got her all kinds of different flavors, but in the end she wouldn't really eat the same thing twice. She would take a few licks here and there but she never was able to finish a 3oz can. I even had to force feed her the day before her last day because she was so weak and not eating very much. I remember being so scared that I would lose her, I didn't want to lose her. I kept telling all my friends and family I felt like I was gonna lose her. And I think I even wrote about how scared of losing her I was in my original post on this site when all her issues first started. Everything happened so fast, in a matter of a few days, one thing after another and she was not improving. First with the belly swelling that happened suddenly which turned out to be fluid in her abdomen, then she had trouble urinating, was only passing small round hard dark stool, she was always extremely dehydrated even though she constantly drank lots and lots of water, she was anemic, very weak, wobbly, and began losing her balance. I took her to so many different vets throughout all of this, i tried to hold on to hope, I believed she would eventually get through this, i truly thought i could get her through whatever this was. I cried so much, and prayed harder than I have ever prayed before in my life. I still held on to hope. No matter how bad things looked I kept trying all I could. When I took her to the ER vet that last night they told me she was dying and they could not save her. They refused to run any tests because they said that even if they did there was nothing they could do to help her. She was dying. they suspected my beautiful baby had FIP or cancer and they recommended euthanasia(something i never ever wanted to do) I couldn't believe what they were telling me. They kept telling me that she was "suffering a lot" and that this is the "best and wisest thing we could do for her to prevent further suffering" She couldn't stand that last day, when I looked at her she looked so sad. She looked at me and gave me the saddest lil meow i ever heard and my heart shattered. I keep thinking about how every vet we took her to had the same look on their faces.. They all said things like "she is sick,you have to face it " or "i don't think your cat will even make it another month, none of this looks good" But I still tried my best to help her, despite all of what they said. I really felt like I could have gotten her through this. And I'm just so sad and so sorry to her that I couldn't and that I failed her. :(

I apologize for being a mess and for repeating all of that again if you have read it before in some of my previous posts, but yeah it really has been an emotional rollercoaster since losing her. Some days are a little easier than others but sometimes it just hits you all at once again. And you're filled with all those what ifs/should haves/ could haves.

Tonight I kept questioning again if it was right? If we did the right thing?

I miss her so much. She brought so much happiness to my life. I hope she knew that I wanted to do the same for her. All I ever wanted was her to feel happy and loved. She was such an amazing cat, there will never ever be another like her. :redheartpump:
 

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Joyfulrose, rosie is a beautiful being, and like you it has been six months since leo passsed away and 3 months since mc passed away, and like you i feel your pain in knowing that all of a sudden its six months and we somehow come this far without them, but i know they have been with us and will be with us until we join them when its our time.
Like you i didnt see the change in them until i looked at the last few photos i had of them and realised i was in denial somehow, maybe it was because there was hope that they will get better and will recover from their illness and never could put in our minds that they were sick. Like you i felt guilt and hopelessness that i couldnt help much, but atleast we did try to save them even though it wouldnt have changed the end result in the end. Like you i remember their last meows and it was so sad and seeing the needle go ino MC and she meowed one last time, and for leo the way he meowed in the box in the car when my dad drove off to the vet with him and it kills me that i chose not to be there with him.

Joyfulrose you are not a failure, you are a wonderful loving person with a heart of gold and rosie knew that that is why she stuck around with you. Rosie understood that you loved her deeply and she knows how much your heart is broken. It is a sad world where even if you had all the money in the world still it wont change the outcome. The most important thing is that you were there with her in the end and she was not alone and she was still being loved. I wish i chose the same for Leo instead of putting him in a box and leaving him with my dad, even though my dad loved him too, i still feel cruel that i wasnt there when i could have been and i cant get that chance back , i was selfish :(
I love this prayer for cats, and it will make you cry but its true. Omg i just started crying.

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joyfulrose

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Joyfulrose, rosie is a beautiful being, and like you it has been six months since leo passsed away and 3 months since mc passed away, and like you i feel your pain in knowing that all of a sudden its six months and we somehow come this far without them, but i know they have been with us and will be with us until we join them when its our time.
Like you i didnt see the change in them until i looked at the last few photos i had of them and realised i was in denial somehow, maybe it was because there was hope that they will get better and will recover from their illness and never could put in our minds that they were sick. Like you i felt guilt and hopelessness that i couldnt help much, but atleast we did try to save them even though it wouldnt have changed the end result in the end. Like you i remember their last meows and it was so sad and seeing the needle go ino MC and she meowed one last time, and for leo the way he meowed in the box in the car when my dad drove off to the vet with him and it kills me that i chose not to be there with him.

Joyfulrose you are not a failure, you are a wonderful loving person with a heart of gold and rosie knew that that is why she stuck around with you. Rosie understood that you loved her deeply and she knows how much your heart is broken. It is a sad world where even if you had all the money in the world still it wont change the outcome. The most important thing is that you were there with her in the end and she was not alone and she was still being loved. I wish i chose the same for Leo instead of putting him in a box and leaving him with my dad, even though my dad loved him too, i still feel cruel that i wasnt there when i could have been and i cant get that chance back , i was selfish :(
I love this prayer for cats, and it will make you cry but its true. Omg i just started crying.

View attachment 288476
Thank you for all you said and for that prayer, it's really beautiful.

I'm so sorry about Leo & MC :( :redheartpump:
 
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joyfulrose

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I miss you so much my beautiful angel :(
 
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joyfulrose

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It's been 7 months now. 7 long, sad, and extremely hard months without my sweet Rosie. I miss her so much, more than I could ever explain. My world is not the same without her here beside me. I am not the same without her. She meant so incredibly much to me, she was my world, she was my heart. The most amazing cat I've ever known. I don't know how or when or if I will ever feel ok again without her here.

I often wonder if I just knew, if i knew for certain that her passing, and the way everything happened, the decision that was made, if I just knew that it was the right one, if someone could tell me, or assure me once more... that we did the right thing. I feel like I might feel at least a little bit better. But then again, maybe I won't... because in the end I lost her, and I never wanted for that to happen. I never wanted to lose her. I didn't expect to lose her that way, or that soon. It all happened so fast. I did't want to say goodbye to her just yet. I was not ready. But when are we ever ready to lose a dear loved one?

I miss you and love you so so much my sweet pretty girl.
 

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Joyfulrose, there is no right or wrong answer as to how everything played out with rosie. What ever you decided in that moment of time was the only best decision you could of made and you did it because you loved rosie. In all of the ways it could of played out still the decision would have been from your heart and knowing that rosie wouldnt suffer and that is never wrong.
 

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That is what is so extremely difficult about times like these. There is really no 'right' way to make a decision like this, it will be painful no matter what you decide. In the end, what happened, losing your precious Rosie, was the unavoidable outcome. If you look back through your posts, no matter what your heart says, your mind will point out she was 17, and by all signs was beginning to suffer. You could not let that happen. It is far better to let them go a day early then a day late. To watch suffering and know you could have prevented it would have been much worse for your soul.....
My heart goes out to you, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You took on her suffering as your own and she thanks you for that. But just like you, she would never want so much pain to happen to someone she loves. So instead of trying to change the past, dwell instead on what she brought to yoru life. Not the bad, which is consuming you now, but the 17 years of good. Your paths were meant to cross, she was meant to be in yoru life. Her job was done and she was called home. It is your job now to remember and honor the legacy she left you, to build on her love, to let it grow, and to use what she left you to find joy in life, not sadness. One day at a time.......
 
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joyfulrose

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Even after all these months, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you my beautiful Rosie. Still missing you so soo very much. I keep wishing there was a way I could see you once more. A way I could turn back time so i could hold you near and close to me and kiss your sweet lil face, give you so many cuddles, feed you your favorite treats, and just lay with you for hours on my bed watching netflix or listening to music like we used to. I miss the days when you were here with me. You filled my life with so much joy and happiness and now there's just emptiness... I will never be the same again. I am so thankful and grateful and I feel so incredibly blessed that I was lucky enough to know you and be your mama for 17 wonderful years. You were the most amazing cat I ever knew. I love you baby. You will always and forever be in my heart.
 

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I am so thankful and grateful and I feel so incredibly blessed that I was lucky enough to know you and be your mama for 17 wonderful years.
Yes, you and I and many other of us have to be thankful for this blessing.

Just think that most people in the world will never know such a joy because they don't want a pet in their home. They will die poor in their soul.
 
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joyfulrose

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My beautiful sweet Rosie, it's been 8 months and 3 days now since I've lost you.
Last night I dreamt of your beautiful face. I dreamt that the vets helped you and that you got better (a dream i have had many many times since losing you) I could not believe it, in the dream I told the vet that I had been suffering with the pain of losing you for 8 months and now you're all better, I cried tears of joy. I told myself I would do everything I could to keep you healthy. I was so happy to see your face again.
I know of course it's only just a dream and it's not possible for you to come back now. No matter how many times I have dreamt that you didn't really die or that you were still alive somewhere. I know it can't be true no matter how much i wish it were.
I've realized that no matter how long it's been my heart will still continue to ache and every time I see photos of your pretty face I still cry because I miss you so much. I will never be the same without you and I fear I will never get over this loss. You were such an amazing cat, and you meant so much to me. I will love you forever my sweet angel kitty. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I just hope that in those 17 years that we spent together you felt all my love and knew how much I cared about you and how much I tried to do the best that I could for you, I hope you were happy my sweet baby. I'm so sorry that in the end I couldn't do more, that the vets couldn't do more. I'm sorry for how I lost you, It was never what I wanted but God only knows that I never wanted you to suffer or be in any pain and so I took the vets advice. I will love you forever my pretty girl<3

 
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It's weird my mom has been having many of those dreams as well. She dreamt once that someone at the animal hospital told her that Rosie was in Manchester which is odd because we live in the US. And we both had several other dreams about her still being alive somewhere, getting better, or seeing her walking around in our home happy, healthy & jumping on our beds. I know it's crazy and I know there's no way it can be possible but sometimes I wonder if me and my mom are having these dreams because when the vet came in to give her those last two injections it was very quick- one min she was there and the next she wasn't. The vet seemed very rushed when he did it ...then quickly walked out of the room. Soon after one of the techs came to quickly take my sweet baby away. I guess it all happened so fast and it was just really hard for us to believe she was gone in that moment. We didn't want to believe it because we loved her so much. So maybe that's why we both keep having these dreams. But I know they are only dreams and no matter how much I wish they were true, I know that they can't be.
I have had others tell me the same di and bob di and bob , or that maybe these dreams I'm having are God's way of showing me that she is ok, that she is better and happy now.
For the longest time i prayed for her to get better, for one of the vets we saw to help her, for God to please let her get better because I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to say goodbye. When she didn't get better and I did end up losing her I felt so bad and guilty for not being able to do more, I questioned whether listening to the vets advice of putting her to sleep was the right decision as they told us. I second guessed so many times, I regretted listening to them and allowing them to convince us to put her to sleep. But I knew she wasn't well and they told me she was suffering and I didn't want her to suffer or be in any pain. I prayed so much after that for God to give me a sign or show me somehow that we made the right choice. I don't know but maybe it's possible these dreams I keep having are that sign i was looking for.
 
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It's been 10 months now since I've lost my sweet beautiful Rosie. I thought I was doing a little bit better but today I woke up in tears and upset with myself. I kept questioning why... why did I agree, why did I allow the vets to pressure me and convince me to put her to sleep. Why didn't they even bother trying. Even if they thought they couldn't save her, maybe by some miracle she would have gotten better. I remember the sad lil meow she gave me before the vet came in the room.. I felt in my heart like she knew what was coming and she was telling me this wasn't what she wanted, why didn't I see that as a sign to not take the vets advice. Why did I let them do what I never ever wanted to do, what I told myself just the night before that I would not do. I can't help but feel like by the vets repeating to me over and over "she's suffering a lot" "this is the wisest decision" "what kinda quality of life is that" "the fluid in her abdomen is the only thing keeping her alive at the moment" "higly suspect fip or cancer" "your kitty is dying i can't help her" and the looks that they gave me that made me feel like i would have been a terrible person if I didn't put her to sleep. It just all wasn't right or fair. I was not ready but at the same time with everything they were saying, telling me she was "suffering a lot" i felt in my heart i couldn't let her suffer if she truly was. I didnt want her to be in pain. I think That's why I took their advice but it was something I never ever thought I would have to do. Not to my Rosie, not to my sweet sweet baby. I didnt want to say goodbye. I wasn't ready. I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted to have to take a vets advice and euthanize. I wanted it to happen naturally at home surrounded by her loved ones. I will never know whether the vets were right in what they suspected. I will never know if it was too soon, or if she was ready. But i wish i would have gone home with her that night, even if it would have been her last night I wish she would have been home with me, i feel like that's what she would have wanted and I took that away from her and I feel terrible about it. I failed her...
In my mind i knew she must have been sick, I was never certain but I know the fluid in the abdomen is obviously not a good sign, having trouble urinating, loss of muscle mass, not eating enough, extremely dehydrated, mildy anemic. I know it all sounds so bad, but I just wish the vets would have tried more instead of refusing to run any tests because they believed she could not be saved. At least they could have tried one last time, who knows what may have happened. Maybe, just maybe she could have been treated. And I wouldn't have had to say goodbye to the cat I loved so so much. :(
I thought I was doing okay and after 10 months I thought maybe this pain would have lessened a bit, but it hasn't. I guess it's true when they say time doesn't heal everything and you really never get over a loss like this.

I miss you so much baby
 

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All what you are going through is a horrible part of grieving. Please try not to torture yourself like this. There is nothing that is going to change what has happened, and bringing more pain onto yourself will make it even more unbearable. You hurt so much because you had a love that many will never experience. One day in the future you will realize that what she brought to your life is far more precious and important then what her leaving did.The pain consumes you now bevcause there is such a huge hole in your life. It takes a long time to fill it, one day at a time......
 

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Have you tried These, from @les26
Google Holy Basil and the homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara, the Basil is an herb that helps keep you centered and calm and helps you deal with the stress, you know it is still there but it helps you handle it, and the Ignatia is for acute grief, shock and trauma which helps you cope. They are NOT drugs but more natural remedies that help, I have used them and still do at times, they can help you cope while you are grieving.
 
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