Welcome to The Cat Site
your cat community
Interact with our community

Missing My Pretty Girl So Soo Much... :(

Discussion in 'Crossing the Bridge' started by joyfulrose, Jan 5, 2019.

  1. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    I lost my beautiful baby on December 6, 2018. It will be one month tomorrow since she passed. It still hurts so much & I am still filled with so much guilt and regret. I miss my sweet Rosie, my baby, my honey, my angel, my pretty girl- She used to get so happy when i would call her 'pretty girl' she loved it. My heart hurts so much.. I wish so much that I hadn't taken her to the ER vet that last night. Maybe things would have been different.. maybe she would still be here with me today. I feel like I made a terrible mistake, I will never forgive myself for it. I was pressured and rushed to make a decision by the ER Vet and I was made to believe this was what i had to do, make a decision I never thought I would ever have to make for my baby, at least not yet. I wasn't ready to lose her yet. It was too soon and I truly felt in my heart she wasn't ready to go yet, she wanted to keep fighting, she wanted to be with me. She wanted me to help her and fight harder for her. And that was what I wanted to do, truly in my heart.. i wanted to keep fighting for her, I never wanted to give up on her, i never wanted to let her down. How could I have done that to her? I loved her soo sooo much, with everything in me. She was so special to me, she wasn't just a cat, we had a special bond, one that I never felt before with any other cat. She was the sweetest most loving, kindest, caring cat I ever knew. She was so loyal to me. Slept next to me every single day since the first day I got her. Never once bit or scratched anyone.. She just had the most beautiful heart. She was an amazing kitty. My heart aches... I am just so sorry for taking her to the vet that night. I am still not sure if it was the right thing to do or not... but i feel like it was all too soon and too fast and I was being pressured to euthanize, when that was never what I wanted to do. :( I feel i could have helped her if i had waited a couple more days. I really feel like she would have gotten better, maybe if I would have gone to a different vet, they would have atleast tried to help her instead of telling me to put her to sleep. :(

    I'm sorry this is going to be very very long, I have so much I need to get out, so many questions, so much I want to say.
    I made a post the day I started to notice my cat wasn't doing so well, if you are interested you can find it here

    My Rosie was 17 years old. She was a very healthy cat her whole life, never had any issues at all until the last few months before she passed. She was a beautiful gray domestic short hair tabby. She was quite thin but I think that was just how her breed typically are. She had the most gorgeous green eyes I had ever seen. She truly was such a pretty girl. Everything about her was beautiful. From her personality to her cute little meows. I have never known another cat like her before and I have had so many growing up. She was so special. I remember the first day we got her. It was my first day of high school, my mom had went and got her from a pet store and when I came home from school that day I immediately fell in love with her and she took an immediate liking to me too. She became my kitten. I remember that first night so clearly. She slept next to me on my bed and continued to do so every single night for 17 years. There wasn't one day that passed by when she didn't sleep next to me. She was there by my side when I was a young teenager and always there to comfort me when i would cry. She truly cared about me, I remember when I would cry she would come up to me and start licking my face trying to make me feel better. She never wanted to see me sad and she did that even as I got older. She was always there for me. She wasn't just a cat but she became like a family member she loved and cared about us all. And we all truly loved and cared about her too. I always used to say I could never imagine my life without her. I would always tell my brothers and my mom that I don't know what I would do if something were to ever happen to her or if I had lost her. Of course I knew she would not life forever, that is life. But I never thought I would lose her this soon, It happened so fast and I didn't see any of this coming. What is crazy is that I remember a couple days before I took her to the vet my brother told me, "you know Rosie is getting older, you should prepare yourself" and I would just be like "Oh stop she is gonna live to be at least 20, just wait and see" and I truly believed that could be possible as silly as that may sound. I just didn't expect to lose her so soon because she seemed fine to me. All her life she was really healthy. The only issues I ever noticed were that she was thin ( but she had always been thin- ever since she was a kitten and i always thought that just how she was) and maybe about 2 years ago she would have diarrhea constantly but I figured it was an allergy to chicken and ever since I switched to to a novel protein the diarrhea had stopped and she was fine up until I started taking her to the vets.

    I apologize if I am repeating myself, I know this is all over the place and really long but I just really need to get all of this out.
    About 7 months ago or so I decided to start feeding all cats better food because I had been feeding them purina naturals for most of their lives and they were constantly vomiting and i just wanted better for them. I was also hoping that the better food would possibly help my Rosie put on more weight cuz I always wondered if maybe she wasn't eating enough and that's why she was so thin (though i always assumed maybe that's just how she is because she was like that since she was a kitten as i said earlier) So I settled on Blue Wilderness Chicken kibble and they all did amazing on it, no more vomiting, shiny beautiful coats, they all seemed so happy and had tons of energy. I was so excited that I had found something they all did so well on. About 2 weeks after being on blue wilderness I started noticing Rosie was drinking lots of water. She always loved water more than my other cats but she was drinking so much water and urinating a lot also. I also noticed that she had some muscle wasting towards the back near her hips. I thought it was just because she was getting older but decided to take her to the vet for a check up to make sure nothing was wrong.

    I took her to the vet the first week of March 2018, they did blood work and urinalysis & vet commented that my cat was underweight she said I should try appetite stimulant like nutrical to get my cats weight up. She weighed 7lbs 3oz and the vet told me she thinks my cat should be 10lbs. I never remember her ever being 10lbs. I think when she was younger she was around 9lbs maybe 8lbs but never 10. This made me a little worried because I began to wonder if maybe i was right before and she wasn't eating enough- as much as she should be. So i started paying closer attention to how much she would eat and I did notice she never ate as much as my other cats but she was always interested in food. So I kept trying my best to get her weight up. When I got the blood work results they showed some kidney issues only slightly elevated bun and creatine, mild pancreatitis, some sort of infection, and she tested positive for coronavirus. The vet just gave me antibiotics for the infection and told me to feed my cat lower protein food, she suggested a senior diet would be best or i could try one of the renal diets. She didn't say much about the pancreatitis but told me if I started noticing any symptoms I should bring her back and she may need to spend a few nights in the hospital. She never had any symptoms and seemed to be doing very well after that vet visit.
    She did well for many months, no issues what so ever. Until about 3 weeks before I had taken her to a second vet. She suddenly stopped eating her food at the time it was Fromm Hasen Ducken. I chose that because it was slightly lower in protein but not too low also it was novel protein because when she ate chicken she would get diarrhea, and she just really liked it. So we stuck with it for a long time and she did so good on it. But when she stopped eating it i struggled to find something she would eat. I had a bag of the Hills K/D and that was all she was willing to eat. She ate that for 5 days or so and then I started to get worried because i had read that you shouldn't feed cats who are still in the early stages of CKD the hills k/d cause it can be bad for them. Also since she was so thin and having muscle wasting I worried the low protein would only make things worse. I had also noticed that she was sort of losing her voice. When she would meow it would come out very squeaky and she could barely get it out- she eventually stopped meowing completely for a few days. So I decided to take her to another vet and recheck her blood work. When the results came back it turned out that she actually didn't have CKD. Her bun and creatine levels were normal. She had some mild anemia(vet said it was non regenerative anemia) her WBC was high Neutrophilis was high Monocytes was high and Eosinphils was low(vet said possibly some sort of infection) Albumin was 2.3. Her pancreatitis had progressed (spec fpl 6.1 ) normal T4 but low T3 and again she had tested positive for coronavirus. The vet gave me antibiotics for her infection and told me we can try one round and monitor her for one month and if she doesn't get better we can try one more round and if still shes not better he said we need to do more testing (xrays, ultra sound. biopsy) I wrote about what happened after she took the antibiotics in my other post.. but if you haven't read it i will try to summarize as best as i can... she did really well until the last day of her last dose of antibiotics- i noticed she had a swollen belly and turned out it was fluid in her abdomen. she started sitting hunched up a lot. Then she began to have trouble urinating and passed only very small hard stools. I had tried hairball gel for the constipation and urinary tract gel for what i had thought to be a UTI they didn't help much. so I took her to another vet at banfield (3rd vet we went to)- i explained to the vet that i think my kitty had a uti because she was having trouble urinating and only producing very small amounts and seemed to be straining. The vet didn't seem to believe me though and only focused on her swollen belly- she told me she thought my cat could have FIP and that she likely had inflammation in her pancreas. (no tests had been done at this vet this is just what she thought after examining my cat and looking over her previous blood tests) She said that none of this looks good and didn't think my cat would even make it another month. I still felt my cat was showing signs of a uti but the vet would not give me antibiotics until we did more testing (at the time i honestly didn't have the money for more blood work as i had just had some done 2 weeks prior- i truly wish i had the money maybe i would have had more answers) So the vet gave us some prescription can food that would help with pancreatitis and we were on our way home. When we went home my cat was still in and out of the litter box having trouble urinating. I got really worried so I called around different vets and found one who would see us.. this is now the 4th vet we would go see. This vet commented how my cat was very very thin, said my cat was very dehydrated, and she also said her heart rate seemed rapid( i think it was just cuz she was scared or stressed) she said she didn't hear any fluid in the lungs but like the previous vet she also thought the fluid in the belly could be fip. She said she was "confident this was fip" because my cat had some of the symptoms. But i had a hard time believing that because I always read that with FIP they have a high fever that doesn't go away. My cat didn't have a fever or diarrhea. Also I don't know how she can be diagnosed for fip without having the fluid tested or anything? I again asked her if the trouble urinating could be a UTI. She didn't think that was what was going on with my cat but we did a urinalysis and the results showed no bacteria and no casts and no crystals but there was some protein and inflammation. She would not give me antibiotics and told me if my cat starts declining to go to the ER Vet and they could give me antibiotics. I went home so upset- i didn't know whether this was a uti or fip or something else. My cat started to look weaker and began sitting in her litter box after she would urinate. Sometimes she would be sitting down flat on her stomach trying to pass a bowel and she would produce only very small round hard stool. I got even more worried when she kept doing that every time she would go in the litter box to urinate. I decided to take her to the ER vet that previous doctor recommended. I told them about how I felt maybe my cat had a UTI because she had trouble urinating for a few days and was showing all the signs of UTI. They took her in the back and examined her and when the vet came into the room she just had this look on her face- she told me there was nothing she could do for my cat and she recommended euthanasia. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I had brought in my kitty because i believed she had a uti and she was telling me to put her to sleep. She said she thinks my cat might have FIP or Cancer. I still couldnt understand how they can be sure without doing any tests? I asked her if she could look over her previous blood work and see if there was anything we could do to help her because i wasn't ready to put her down. She kept refusing to look over anything and said she didnt need to see anything. I begged her to please look over it- she started saying all sorts of things no other vet had told me. she said "oh it could be her liver failing, and kidney dysfunction, and she's not absorbing any protein" I didn't understand how she was saying all this when her blood test showed her kidney levels were fine and no one said anything about cancer or her liver to me before. She said it's best to put her down because she is suffering. She asked me if she was still eating and I answered her that she was and had started eating better than she used to. She still just had this look on her face like I was some horrible person if I didn't put my cat to sleep right now. She said my cat might live another week or another day maybe even another month and she said would u want her to die next to you? I was just so confused and devastated. I told them I felt like i wanted to spend one more night with her that i wasn't ready to let her go yet. I wanted one more night with her. This was my first time ever going through something like this... They said that was fine but if i wanted to proceed with the euthanasia i would have 24hrs to do so. When i went home my cat just didn't look the same- i dont know if it was the stress of being at the vet, or something that went on behind the closed door where i was not allowed at the ER Vet. I cried and prayed so hard. I didn't want to lose her. That night she slept so close next to me she staring at me the whole time. I kept getting scared and waking up in the middle of the night scared that she would pass but she never did. I remember i one moment when i woke up from my sleep i heard her like release a deep sigh. Then i fell back asleep. I was so thankful she was still there breathing and alive beside me. When i woke up she looked and seemed so much better she was bright-eyed and alert and I told myself I am not gonna take her to the ER vet again. I kept praying for God to help her and heal her from whatever this was. I felt in my heart that he would. But then a few hours later she began to seem even weaker and again every time she would urinate she would sit and lay in her litter box. I got worried again and though maybe she is still constipated so i gave her some hair ball gel... but nothing changed. She was started urinating on my bed (she had never done this before) I began to worry that if this was a UTI and I didn't get her antibiotics she would die. My mom told me to call the ER vet we saw the night before and explain everything to them and ask them if they can give us antibiotics for my cat they agreed but said i would need to bring her in first for the doc to examine. When we got there I let them know she started urinating on my bed and i know that can be a sign of a UTI as she has been having trouble urinating for a few days only producing small amounts each time. After they examined her in the back and the doctor came in he said "i dont know what u want me to tell you, your kitty is dying, she is suffering a lot" He said he had read the ER Vets notes from the night before when we were there and said there was nothing he could do for my cat to help her. He said even if we did blood work and tests there is nothing he could do to save her. I just couldn't stop crying and I was heart broken i told him that I thought she just had a uti and he said she very well could have a uti but that was the least of her problems- he said my cat couldn't even stand when he was examining her. He just kept saying she is suffering a lot. I was told it would be best to put her to sleep to end her suffering.
    I already wrote about all of this in my other post, I am sorry for repeating it all again, but i just keep replaying that night over and over again and remembering things that I didnt notice when i was in the moment and all of this was happening. When the vet had told me my cat couldn't stand- at the moment i thought she was going to die- that's how he made it seem... in my mind i thought he meant like she was gonna die right then and there. But now when i am replaying everything and thinking a little more clearly, i think maybe he meant she was heading in that direction but maybe it wouldnt have happened that day or that week- maybe i would have had some more time with her. Also when he told me she couldn't stand i remember thats how she always got when she was at the vets... she would always just lay there and not want to move when she was at the vets but when we would go home she would be fine and walking around the house and jumping on the bed. In the moment and the way he was talking, his tone, he had made it seem like she would die soon... so I got scared and didnt want her to suffer but i remember telling my mom that i felt this wasn't right and it was too soon and i wanted her to be with me till the end. My mom assured me this was the right thing to do, she went and told them we would like to put her to sleep. I was frozen I just couldn't believe what was happening. I should have said something i should have asked more questions, i should have asked if there was something, anything else we could have done, i shouldnt have let this happen, maybe she could have been saved. I didn't know if she was suffering- she didn't look like she was to me.. she seemed fine that morning. I am just so sad and heartbroken. I can't stop thinking maybe we made the wrong decision. I remember her sad face and sad little meow to me right before they were gonna put her to sleep. I felt as if she was telling me not to do this or to help her. I really don't know if this was the right thing to do, I wish the vets would have at least tried something, anything to help her. Or maybe i should have left when they said they would help her and find another one who would. The worst part of this is I will never know what she had exactly or what this was because they did not do any tests that day. I will never know if i was right in believing it was just a UTI or if it was something more serious like they suspected ( Cancer or FIP) It was hard to believe what they were saying because she didn't have all the symptoms. I feel as my heart and mind will never be at ease because I will never know or get answers to any of my questions now.
    Every night I keep praying to God to give me a sign, to show me the truth, to let me know if this was the right decision. If we did the right thing. And for the past 4 days I have dreamt that I could have saved her. In each dream I see my beautiful Rosie and I dream that I save her or that I could have. I don't know if that's a sign from God or if that's because i truly believe i could have saved her and gotten her through this.
    I know what's done is done and nothing can be changed now but I feel so bad and keep thinking maybe all these vet trips stressed her out so much. She was old and fragile... she could not handle all of that stress. I feel this is all my fault. All i ever wanted to do was help her. I loved her so much... I didn't want to lose her. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I will never ever forget her. She will be in my heart forever. I wish I could have some peace of mind or some clue as to what this was or if this was the right thing to do but i don't think i ever will :(

    I know this is extremely long- thank you if you have read all of this.

    RIP Rosie you meant the world to me. I love you and miss you so much <3

    [​IMG]
     

  2. Furballsmom

    Furballsmom Cat Fan especially Black Cats Staff Member Forum Helper

    16,678
    20,790
    Jan 9, 2018
    Colorado USA
    It is often suggested to cat owners of really sick cats, to ask the vet what they would do if the cat belonged to them.
    You had two veterinarians give you the same advice. You were very strong to allow your kitty to go to her peace. She wouldn't want you to be this upset now.
    Maybe this will help;

    Grieving
     

  3. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Thank you for replying and reading my very long post. I really appreciate it. I know I had two vets give me the same advice and I can't think of a reason why they would recommend putting my cat to sleep if they truly didn't believe it would be the best option. At least i hope they wouldn't tell me that just because they saw an old thin cat, sometimes i get that impression from some vets. But i think a part of me will always wonder what if they were wrong? or what if something could have been done to help her? And it hurts because I will never ever know the truth and exactly what she had because we didn't have blood work done again that day or x rays or an ultrasound. I wanted to but the vet told me that even if we had the tests done he could not help my cat. It was my first time ever at this ER Vet and I usually research before taking my baby anywhere because I want to make sure she gets the best care possible. but i never did that day because i had been so worried about getting her help asap. When i read some of the reviews for the ER Vet I went to now I get sad because I see a few who have had the same vet that saw my cat see their cat and had also recommended they put their cat down for also having trouble urinating- but instead this reviewer left and they said their cat got better and is still alive today. Of course I don't know if that would have been the case with my baby but a part of me will always wonder what if- :/
    Maybe this is all just the grief talking and maybe I'm wrong in thinking all of this. It just all so happened so fast- in a matter of 2 weeks and she was gone. I never saw it coming. I just miss her so much...
     
    Mamanyt1953 and Furballsmom purraised this.

  4. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    9,184
    8,827
    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    Grieving for your soulmate is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. Losing someone you love so very much and not having their physical presence in your life anymore is absolutely soul shattering. How do I know? Because I, and legions of others, have been there, exactly where you are right now. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
    You are grieving. Feeling pressured into making a decision, will always bring up emotions of guilt, of anger, of denial, of pain so bad it takes your breathe away. And since our mind does not want to accept what has happened, we will always feel pressured, and go through the emotions that follow.
    Going through your post, I know with certainty you did all you could, you certainly had no intention of bringing harm to your precious girl, and you need intention to find guilt. Everything you did you did out of love and concern for your little one. And she knows that. She was 17, certainly geriatric, and if you read through your post displayed all the signs of a failing body. She displays many of the symptoms of my beautiful Burt, who died of cancer in his abdomen. She tried to hide her failing from you, cats are masters at this, you really had no way of knowing how weak and tired she really was, that her world was one of existing, not truly living. Failing to stand with an exam is a huge sign, as is all the little signs that were involved that in combination point to severe decline.
    Vets see so much suffering, people don't bring in their pets because they are perfectly happy and healthy. They see as it really is, and know what is coming, because of years of experience. We are in denial and refuse to accept what our hearts are telling us, it is time to let go....
    I have always believed, especially after seeing my Burt suffer so in his last hours, that it is always better to let them them go a day early than a day too late. Of course we want them with us as long as possible. But there does come a time when it is for us, not them, and to prolong a life that is failing, a life that has no cure, a life that only brings more pain and decline, is not a life that I would want to live. And neither do they.
    You gave her one last gift, the gift of true love, the gift of taking away the pain and suffering, and your heart took on that pain as your own. You gave her a lifetime of love and care, THAT is what you should be remembering. The precious times you shared, the wonderful years of sharing your life's journey. Although she now follows a new path, that path will always parallel your own. Don't dwell on her end, on the pain. Don't make her end more important in your mind than her life. Her life is infinitely more important, infinitely more special and always will be. Celebrate having her in your life, the bond you formed over all those years will always tie your souls together. She will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. "Death cannot take that which never dies", and you know your love for each other never will....
    She would never want to be the cause of so much pain for you, she loves you too much. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, so she wants for you. Because that is what love is.
    Time is the only thing that helps. No matter how much we want things to be different, the past is what it is. The future is not ours yet, so we only have today. Not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow, so live each and every one for what it is, a precious gift that should be enjoyed and treasured. Take one day at a time now, the sharp edges of grief will dull over time. You will never lose the pain in your heart but eventually the good will overshadow the bad, you learn to live with it and forge a new life's order for yourself. Send that little girl thoughts of love and comfort, she needs to know you will be OK to find peace, and so do you. Know you are not alone in your grief, we are always here to try to share your burden. Because we have traveled that road too.
    My heart breaks for what you are going through. I am here to tell you it DOES get better, but there is no limit on grief, there is no time table to judge where you are. It takes a long time to heal a broken heart and there will always be a scar. Take care of yourself, try to distract yourself from letting the darkness rule your life. Let love and sunshine back in, because she needs that for you too. She needs to know she brought you joy, and that you will take what she left you and let it bloom and grow in the sunshine of life, not be hidden and wither in the darkness of a closed heart. She left you a treasure taht can never be taken from you, it is up to you how you will use it.
    Take care of yourself, you both will be in my thoughts and prayers.....RIP precious Rosie. you will never be forgotten, you will be forever held securely in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
     
    PaulinPilsen, Diana Faye, Katonic and 5 others purraised this.

  5. Kflowers

    Kflowers TCS Member Top Cat

    3,041
    4,463
    Jul 28, 2018
    I've heard vets say, why didn't this or that client let their pet go? It was obvious the pet was barely holding on, suffering? They don't understand until it happens to them. It happened to you.

    During those last months and weeks, you are in shock. From my own experience and numerous vets and techs I've spoken with, I've learned that when you are in shock, when you can't bear the reality, you don't see your cat as she is, you see her as she was when she was healthier.

    I know this happened to me. I thought my heart cat looked fine, a little thin but fine. He was acting normally. Then suddenly he wasn't. But it isn't really sudden. A year later I was looking at some of the his last photographs. Far from fine, he was almost transparent. He was ready, but he was holding on through our bond despite his body. It may take months before the shock wears off, before you can see things as they were.

    What never wears off, what never leaves is the love you and Rosie shared. You gave your Rosie the greatest gift we can give the ones we love. She is still with you, transformation to the spiritual state doesn't mean she has left you. In the silence you will sense her. There is no guilt, she understands your desire to keep her with you, you regret and pain at releasing her and that it was your gift to her. Never doubt that she would have done the same for you.
     

  6. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Thank you @di and bob and @Kflowers. Your words are so beautiful and very comforting. I am so thankful that I found this site and found such a wonderful kind group of people who love and care deeply about cats as much as I do. And who truly understand how I am feeling and how it feels when you lose your precious kitty. It was all so hard for me and so new for me, It is my first loss ever of a close and dear one. I am lucky I still have all my loved ones with me today. I know I was also lucky that I got 17 beautiful years with my sweet Rosie. I know not everyone gets as much time as I did. And yet I still feel it wasn't enough, I am tremendously grateful but I wish I had more time with my baby, I think we will all always wish for more time. Maybe it will always feel like it was too soon because it all seemed to happen so suddenly. I thought my baby was fine 2 weeks before she passed. She seemed like her normal self for the most part- but suddenly one thing after the other- the swelling in her belly that came on basically overnight and all the litter box issues. Then she just became so weak and was losing her balance walking, sitting in her litter box after urinating. It was just all so fast... it all happened in a matter of days. I just kept thinking it was a UTI because that is what it seemed like to me because I thought my baby was fine... but maybe I was wrong in thinking that way. Maybe I should have realized and seen that there was a possibility it could be something else. And I still don't know for sure, I will never ever know. I will never be certain. I regret so much that we didn't have the testing done. Maybe we should have had it done anyway despite the vet telling us he would still not be able to help her even if we had the testing done. I would have at least known the truth and maybe it would have given me some peace of mind. I would have known that i for sure had done the right thing and would have been sure there was nothing more that could be done. It would have made this decision easier. I would never want my baby to suffer or be in any pain. I loved her so much and I remember the moments when I would see her sitting hunched up and she looked to be in some discomfort it would truly break my heart seeing her like that... I never wanted her to feel any pain ever. I don't know it's just so hard to accept this, but I know I must and I hope that I eventually will and it will get easier as time goes on.
    My friends and family don't really understand how I am feeling, they tell me "it's been a month already why are you still talking about it?" or "why are you still sad and crying about it?" They would say "it's done, it's over, talking about it wont change anything".. or "she was just a cat." And I know they don't mean any harm when they say these things, they loved her too. Very much.. they were also sad when they found out she had passed away. But I guess me and Rosie had a different more special bond. I was always with her and she with me. She always followed me around the house no matter what i was doing. And at night she would always bring me gifts(her toys) on my bed as if she was trying to show me how much she loved me. She was an amazing cat. I was so lucky that I got to be her mama for 17 wonderful years.
    When I look at the pictures from that night of her in the hospital (my mom wanted to take some pics of her one last time before she was put to sleep) She looked so sad though. I guess when I saw her that way, a very small part of me had thought maybe it was time but I wasn't sure If it truly was the right time and I wanted her to be with me as long as possible- but if she truly was suffering and in pain that would have been selfish of me. I did not want her to suffer.
    I just wish I knew for sure if it really was cancer or FIP like the vets suspected. Some of the the symptoms for those illnesses didn't completely match up. Yes my Rosie was thin, thinner than my other 3 cats but she was a different breed than them and has been thin all her life. I had thought with cancer they just continue losing weight. She did have her moments when her weight would fluctuate but she typically stayed around 7lb 7oz.. her lowest would be around 7lbs 3oz but I always managed to get her weight up to 7lbs 7oz again. So I don't know. She also had some muscle loss near her hips and her hind legs and shoulders but I always thought it was what happened to cats as they got older... but maybe I was wrong to think that, I don't know. The belly swelling with the fluid in the abdomen was the one thing I wasn't sure of. I have no idea what could have caused that or how it accumulated over night. So maybe there truly was something more going on and if i truly look at some of her pictures in those last few weeks maybe I will see overall that maybe she wasn't as healthy as I had thought. :(
    Through it all my baby was such a fighter, she was so strong for me, if she truly had some horrible illness she hid it so well, never wanted me to know. She still ate for me and drank for me and fought so hard because she wanted so much to be with me. I remember her very last moments right before the vet came into the room to euthanize. I tried to give her some of her favorite treats and she looked as if she wanted to eat them but couldn't but then i spoke to her and I said "here you go baby, have some treats" and I put one right in front of her and she sort of struggled a little to open her mouth to grab it but she did after a few tries and she ate it for me. I could see she did it for me. God, I just loved her so much. I much her every min of every day. I will never ever forget her.
    I know it's wrong of me to make her death more important than her life. It's hard not to think about all of that and all the "what if's" or "should have's" and "could have's" I am really trying my best to remember all the good memories we shared and I will continue to try every day. <3
    Thank you all again, I am so thankful for everyone who takes the time to even read any of my posts and reply to me. I know they are extremely long, please forgive me. I am very appreciative if you actually read them. Thank you all for your kind words, love, prayers, and support. It means so much to me.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
    Mamanyt1953, PushPurrCatPaws and Kflowers purraised this.

  7. downton ali

    downton ali TCS Member Kitten

    18
    15
    May 2, 2018
    Joyfulrose, the love you have for your cat is palpable and I really feel for you. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Please allow yourself to grieve as long as you need to and don’t worry about what others say about it. You had her for 17 years. To get “over it” in one lousy month? That doesn’t seem realistic.

    You sound like you did (more than) everything possible to make sure she had the best available care. My wish for you is that one day you accept that for yourself, so that you can be free of the guilt you seem to carry. Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
     

  8. Leomc123

    Leomc123 TCS Member Alpha Cat

    400
    761
    Oct 1, 2018
    Hi Joyfulrose

    I had a similar situation 5 days ago when i put down my cat, he started with a slight limp 4 months ago on his left back leg, had xray done everything in xray was great he had a small section of spondyliosis on his neck, but the rest of his spine was fine no fractures and his legs wernt broken, was given pain meds Loxicom and was on laundry room rest for 1 month and then cage rest for 1 months more after the 2nd vet visit. When i let him out of the cage he was walking much better, would walk up and down the stairs with no major issues other than a slight limp and a little wobbly here and there, but he could get up and correct himself. He would get aggitated if i pet him, but he would get up, and walk after me around the back yard meowing in an angry way. But would get aggro out of nowhere and attack me or try to attack me. He was a gentle cat never bitt me before. But he also had this twitch that started near his hip and also a twitch near his neck when he tried to turn, so he was given antibiotics and gabapentine on the 2nd vet visit . I ran out of Loxicom on the 3rd month , so he was only on a half a does of his gabapentine cause it was making him really drowsy on his full dose, and he was doing well. I stopped 3 days giving him gabapentine to see how he would go without it he did fine for a few days. Then all of a sudden a week before Christmas he couldn't get up any more he was dragging himself around also he was peeing on himself and was constipated again even though he was on a no dry food diet and was given laxapet for constipation, so i thought maybe he needs loxicom again. I went to the 4th vet and was told that if i did an MRI it would probably show he would have maybe a slipped disc in spine, tumour in spine or pinched nerve and was told that if he was operated on that he would have a 1% chance of being cured. And that the way he was going that he could have 1 week or a few months to live. 4 days later i chose to put him down. One part of me believes that he would have gotten better if i had not put him on gabapentine or loxicom and had given him other drug or steroid that didnt make him drowsy where he could injure himself, done an MRI and see what is really happening, and another part of me thinks that maybe he did have an irreparable spine which would not get better. None of the vets did any blood work on him either, so they didnt know if it was an infection or FIP or poison, diabetes, or something else etc.

    A part of me feels like i have been cheated cause instead of blood work at the second vet visit they wanted to take his teeth out while he was having the xray which cost me $890. I thought they would have done blood work while he was having it done. I am at a loss, i think they thought he was a ferral cat cause his ears is clipped and decided he wasn't really worth it to look into. He was only 12 years old and microchipped and was owned by the house 4 houses down. On these 4 vet visits i spent around $1800 dollars just on xray, teeth pull out and 2 loxicom vials and gabapentine . When i think a blood test should have been done first then xray or mri. I dunno . The limping, hind leg twitch and neck twitch and aggression makes me think that he was being poisoned by something. It doesn't make sense. When he was cage rested, he wasnt running everywhere. Sigh i wish i was a vet so i would know. :(
     
    Mamanyt1953, joyfulrose and Kflowers purraised this.

  9. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    9,184
    8,827
    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    joyfulrose, at seventeen she most likely passed away from old age. And this means a multitude of things that when combined were just too much for her frail body to overcome. Things that when she was younger and stronger she endured and overcame. I have had, and observed other cats dying of natural causes at 16, which seems to be a standard age. 20 years is equivalent to 100 plus in human years, and just like in humans is not obtained by very many. We all pray for all of our loved ones to live as long as they possibly can and then die peacefully in their sleep, at home, with everything they hold dear surrounding them. The older I get, the more I see that that is rare.
    Every living thing is dying from the moment of birth. It is how we live what is given to us that counts. Some are not given long at all, the possum has a normal lifespan of two years. We are blessed to be given so much more.....
    It is a shame that others who surround you cannot be more supportive. It is easy to dismiss someone else's pain because it does not directly affect their own lives. It should not matter whether human or cat, that little one was loved by you, and that is enough. A love like you shared can often be the biggest joy in your life, and will also cause the greatest pain.
    A month is nothing at all in grieving. You shared your life's journey for 17 years and the loss and pain is great. Grief is a private thing, it's so much easier to give in to it and let it consume your life. The human spirit is strong, you WILL survive. It just takes time, and lots of it.......may God bless you for loving so much, and hurting so bad because of it.
     
    will2002, Mamanyt1953, joyfulrose and 2 others purraised this.

  10. Furballsmom

    Furballsmom Cat Fan especially Black Cats Staff Member Forum Helper

    16,678
    20,790
    Jan 9, 2018
    Colorado USA
    Mamanyt1953 and joyfulrose purraised this.

  11. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Thank you @downton ali and @di and bob, I really appreciate it. & @Leomc123 that is terrible and I am so sorry for your loss :( I know exactly how you are feeling.

    It's hard to be free of this guilt because I just can't seem to shake the feeling that one way or another this was somehow my fault. I must have done something wrong or maybe I didn't do enough, try hard enough to help her. :( I wish i knew for certain that putting her to sleep was the right thing to do. Sometimes I tell myself that maybe it was but there is still a part of me that thinks it was not the right decision. I trusted what the ER vet told me because I told myself that he must know what's best, he must know more than me, he is the vet after all, he must see something that I don't see. I keep wondering why a vet would recommend euthanasia if they truly didn't believe it was the best option. But the more I think and think about it the more I begin to realize that the ER Vet that night truly was not SURE exactly what was wrong with my cat. He kept saying "oh maybe it could be this" or "maybe it could be that" or "If i had to guess it would be liver failure/kidney failure/ Cancer/ or FIP" It just didn't make sense... I think I was in shock that night, I am so upset with myself for not asking more questions, for not getting tests done so I could be 100% sure. When he told me nothing could be done and even if I did the bloodwork and testing he still would not be able to help her. So I believed him, but how could he have known that without running any tests to be sure. I don't know why he would not at least ....try.... try anything. I would have done anything for my baby. I feel like they saw an old 17 year old very thin cat and that is why they did not want to fight for her or try. My Rosie was strong and a fighter... her whole life she was healthy. Never had any health issues growing up. And often times when I would take her to the vet they would always comment how great she looked for her age! She definitely did not look geriatric.
    I'm just so upset how this all happened. The more I research and read about all the possible illnesses the vets told me they suspected- it doesn't add up. The thing I keep coming back to was the Urinary Tract Infection... She had all the symptoms of a UTI. In and out of the litter box, straining to urinate, only producing very small amounts of urine, sometimes drops, urinating on the bed,... even when we had the urinalysis done- it showed inflammation, high ph, some protein, and some blood... all of which I have read can indicate a UTI. I told 3 different vets and asked for antibiotics but none of them would help with this issue. They all just focused on her abdominal swelling and said they felt like it was FIP. I have researched and so much that FIP should never be diagnosed based on swelling and testing positive for coronavirus. But that is what it seems like led to the vets believing she could have FIP. She never had a high fever though or diarrhea which I know are the two main symptoms of FIP.
    The only possible cause that I can think of regarding all of what happened was the actual antibiotics themselves. The ones I gave her 2 weeks before all the urinating issues occurred. I have seen a few posts on here when seemingly healthy cats were given antibiotics for an infection and shortly after they would decline and sometimes even die. I keep thinking about how Rosie was fine, healthy, and her normal self before that second vet visit before any antibiotics, before any blood work was done. I had just wanted to take her to the vet just for a check up and to recheck her blood and make sure nothing was wrong. That was my main reason for going to the vet that day. When the results came and the vet explained to me she did not have any kidney issues but that she had some sort of infection and pancreatitis. I remember that I was the one to ask him "what can we do about the infection, will she need antibiotics?" He was never the one who recommended the antibiotics in the first place, it was because I asked. He agreed that she could take a round of antibiotics and we can monitor for one month and if she's not getting better we can do another round but he said if she still isn't getting better after 2 rounds of antibiotics than further testing would be needed. And I remember she had a rough start with the antibiotics. They had first given her Clavamox and she had a bad reaction to it since the first dose. she was vomiting and lethargic and would not eat or drink at all until it wore off. Then I went back and requested if they could switch her to the amoxi drops instead because she had taken them previously with no issues or symptoms. I remember they ended up giving me amoxicillin but it was the "dogs only" version. I went back and asked them for the feline version but they told me they didn't have that one and I could order it online on chewy.com. So i had to wait maybe an extra week or two until she was finally able to get back on antibiotics since stopping the clavamox. When i finally started giving her the antibiotics she seemed good up until the last dose(given for 7 days) that was when the swelling in the belly began and so did all the litter box issues.
    So I don't know if this was the result of giving her the antibiotics or stopping them too soon that the infection became harder to get rid of. Or if it was from the antibiotics themselves that led to her decline in the days shortly after stopping them.
    I just feel horrible and I worry that she might have died from an urinary tract infection because it was not treated.. I know that can happen and very quickly too. I told every vet we saw but none of them would focus on her current issues and symptoms. They all just worried about the swelling in her belly. It's just so sad if what she truly had was just a uti- it could have been treated. It was no reason to be told I had to put her to sleep and nothing more could be done to help her.
    But I will never know the truth and I will always feel like this was my fault somehow. :(
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
    Mamanyt1953 and downton ali purraised this.

  12. Furballsmom

    Furballsmom Cat Fan especially Black Cats Staff Member Forum Helper

    16,678
    20,790
    Jan 9, 2018
    Colorado USA
    :vibes::alright: .:grouphug2:
     
    Mamanyt1953 and joyfulrose purraised this.

  13. Leomc123

    Leomc123 TCS Member Alpha Cat

    400
    761
    Oct 1, 2018
    Joyfulrose the similar thing happened with my cat with the incontinence part, he started having this when i gave him laxapet and i forgot to mention i gave him an antibiotic amoxcilan the day before the laxapet and the incontinence started after he had diarreah from the laxapet. The vet told me that the laxapet makes the cat have contractions in the stomach to force the poo out, so that i should provide him metamucil instead. But according to laxapet website the gel is supposed to soften the stool. And i think amoxcilan poisoned him, but he had the same antibiotic 3 months earlier . I did also tell the vet i could feel something hard on his left side on the belly near his bad left leg and asked him if that is causing the limp, cause my cat would lick that spot and didnt like being touched there, but the vet was saying that he didnt feel anything, sigh. Im as frustrated as you are cause symptoms dont add up when i am researching as well . I just wish vet bills were much cheaper so could get an MRI and blood tests. When i had a cyst in my stomach it pinched a nerve that cause my legs to go numb. So i dunno its really frustrating . i know it was something else.
     
    Mamanyt1953 purraised this.

  14. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    I'm so sorry :(
     

  15. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Wanted to share some pictures of my baby- hope you guys don't mind

    Here is my beautiful Rosie when she was much younger-
    I think she was about a year old in this picture-[​IMG]

    Here she is at 15-
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    And here she is at 17! -
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    & Now I'm crying again. I miss her so much :( :hearthrob::redheartpump:
     

  16. downton ali

    downton ali TCS Member Kitten

    18
    15
    May 2, 2018
    She's so, so beautiful! :)
     
    Mamanyt1953, PushPurrCatPaws and joyfulrose purraised this.

  17. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Thank you so much. She really was SO SO beautiful. I miss her lots :(
     
    downton ali and Mamanyt1953 purraised this.

  18. Mamanyt1953

    Mamanyt1953 Rules my home with an iron paw Staff Member Forum Helper

    18,846
    23,929
    Oct 16, 2015
    Havelock, North Carolina
    Rest you gentle, Sweet Rosie, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

    I am so, so sorry. Seventeen years is a wonderful age for a cat to reach, but...where there is love, an eternity is not long enough. I understand your guilt, it is a very human thing, although it is misplaced here. You did everything reasonable for Rosie. EVERYTHING. TWO vets advised you that she could no longer continue as she was. As hard as it is to accept, vets are not in the business of euthanizing animals before their time, not morally, not ethically, not emotionally (and they do feel it), not (when you think about it) financially. From simply a practical point, they want your cat to live, not die. Although it sounds cold to say that, it does add validity to their advice to you. SO, you broke your heart to give her the best outcome she could have, a gentle passing with loving arms to hold her. You helped her to shrug off the heavy coat of flesh and fur that could no longer support her loving soul and great spirit. And now, she dances on sunlight, young and healthy and filled with joy. Her only grief is your grief. And she is never more than a whisper away from you, ever. Love does not die, you know, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides, and Rosie remains close by your side until that day, in the fullness of time, when you join her in her joyous dance. Dance on, Rosie. Dance on!
     
    joyfulrose purraised this.

  19. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Today I decided to call up a few of the vets that saw my sweet Rosie in the days before she passed. I was hoping to get some closure and some answers to all the questions running through my mind about everything that happened that led to her decline.
    I first called the second vet we saw(the one who prescribed the antibiotics 2 weeks before all her issues & before the abdominal swelling began) I remember he was the first vet to tell me he felt my cat was sick. He was very rude and his staff were very unprofessional- I didn't feel comfortable going there again after that first visit. They never seemed to care about my cat. But I remember when I was asking him questions to try to understand what the blood test results meant he told me "You have to face it, your cat is sick- I would call her a critical patient" At the time I did not understand what she had because he did not explain it to me and when I would try to ask him questions he did not answer them nor did he ever tell me what he thought was wrong with my cat. I think he must have saw something at the time tho which is why he said those words to me. The day I took her in she did not seem sick and was her normal self. I just wanted to retest her blood to see if everything was good. Anyway, i was really hoping I could speak to him today but he did not call me back and I feel like I won't ever hear from him unfortunately. As that is what always happens when I call this clinic.
    So I then decided to call the 3rd vet we saw (the banfield vet) She was the one we went to see right as the urinary issues first began. When Rosie was in and out of the litter box straining to urinate and only producing small amounts each time. I remember she had told me when she examined my cat that she didn't think my baby was gonna make it another month. I was able to speak to her today and I asked her why she had told me that on our vet visit. She said it was because when she examined my cat that day her gums were very pale which she believed was from the anemia and also because of the abdominal fluid and how her belly was distended. & because of the inflammation in her pancreas. She told me she looked "grave" and based on her blood work none of it looked good. I told her what the ER vets had told me- how they thought she could possibly have cancer or FIP and she agreed and said that could be very possible and she told me she felt like if there was a uti that it was not the reason for all her issues and symptoms she believes there was something else going on. Something more serious. She told me she thinks we made the right decision in putting her to sleep because she said she didn't think there was anything we could have done to help her. It didn't seem to her that my beloved Rosie could have gotten better [​IMG]
    Lastly I decided to call the ER Vet who put my sweet baby to sleep. I wanted to speak to him about the notes and his report after examining Rosie that night because when he came into the room to talk to me he told me my cat was dying... but after she was put to sleep and we were leaving they gave me a copy of the Vets notes and report when he examined my baby. I didn't even read over it until a day or so after my baby passed. When I looked at it a lot of what was written did not make sense with what he had told me that night. He said she was dying but in his report it said that everything was normal... normal heart rate, normal resp rate, normal temperature, normal pink mucous membrane. And something else I found very odd was they had put down her weight as 8lbs 8oz when she was not. She was 7lbs 7oz... and she was 17 not 16. I suppose it could have been a mistake though. But they also emailed me the report of the ER Vet in the same hospital who saw Rosie the night before she was put to sleep (she was the one who had recommended Euthanasia) And her notes were very different than his. She had written my cat had a fast heart rate, pale mucous membrane, abnormal resp rate... I am just so confused. Why are the reports so different from each other when they were only few hours apart. And why if he thought my cat was dying the second night- why did all her vitals seem pretty normal compared to the night before? I also noticed they wrote in their reports that they offered treatment and I declined which was not true. The moment they came into the room to speak to me they told me there was nothing they could do to help my cat and even if I had done testing they still would not be able to help her. I was also the one who asked the vet if she could give an enema for rosies constipation but she told me she didn't feel anything in her colon and told me if they gave her an enema there was a chance she could die. I don't know why she wrote something other than what happened and what was said in the report. I was hoping to speak to them and ask them about all of this but both of the vets who saw my Rosie were not in tonight. I will attach a copy of their reports if anyone has any thoughts about this please feel free to share.

    (the first 3 pics are from the first night at the ER Vet and the other 2 are from the second night there. I blocked out some personal information for safety reasons.)
     

    Attached Files:

    • 1.jpg
      1.jpg
      File size:
      189.8 KB
      Views:
      36
    • 2.jpg
      2.jpg
      File size:
      100.1 KB
      Views:
      37
    • 3.jpg
      3.jpg
      File size:
      108.8 KB
      Views:
      36
    • 4.jpg
      4.jpg
      File size:
      110.3 KB
      Views:
      36
    • 5.jpg
      5.jpg
      File size:
      108.9 KB
      Views:
      36
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019

  20. joyfulrose

    joyfulrose Thread Starter TCS Member Adult Cat

    134
    158
    Nov 5, 2018
    Thank you so much, your words are so beautiful. Thank you all for being so kind and caring. It really means so much to me. I know it's so hard to accept this and I really am trying. I think it just scares me that there was something I could have missed or something more I could have done. Or that maybe I didn't try hard enough to help her. I think i really truly felt i could help her somehow and in the end that was not the case so I feel like I let her down, I feel like she would have thought I gave up on her or I did not fight hard enough for her. But everyone around me always says that I did so much and I did the best that I could. I hope my sweet baby knew how much I loved her and how badly I wanted to help her and get her through this. I'm so sorry to her that I couldn't. But I am comforted in the thought that she is no longer in any pain and no longer suffering. She will forever me be in my heart. May my sweet Rosie, my pretty girl, may she Rest In Peace.<3
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
    PaulinPilsen purraised this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.