Missing My Pretty Girl So Soo Much... :(

rosegold

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I am so so sorry joyfulrose joyfulrose . My heart hurts for you and with you. Rosie was absolutely beautiful and clearly so very loved! I understand the guilt completely, but you don’t have anything to be sorry for. You gave her a wonderful life and, when the moment came, you made the best decision you could with the information you had to help your baby who was suffering. No one, including Rosie, could ever fault you for that.

I lost my girl Chai on December 7th so I am right there with you. 3 months has flown by and some days I still struggle to accept that this isn’t just some giant nightmare, and it feels like I’ll wake up tomorrow and see her again. I don’t know when or if this grief will ever end, but it helps a tiny bit when you don’t feel so alone. Come here anytime to post pictures of her and let it out. :heartshape:
 
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joyfulrose

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I am so so sorry joyfulrose joyfulrose . My heart hurts for you and with you. Rosie was absolutely beautiful and clearly so very loved! I understand the guilt completely, but you don’t have anything to be sorry for. You gave her a wonderful life and, when the moment came, you made the best decision you could with the information you had to help your baby who was suffering. No one, including Rosie, could ever fault you for that.

I lost my girl Chai on December 7th so I am right there with you. 3 months has flown by and some days I still struggle to accept that this isn’t just some giant nightmare, and it feels like I’ll wake up tomorrow and see her again. I don’t know when or if this grief will ever end, but it helps a tiny bit when you don’t feel so alone. Come here anytime to post pictures of her and let it out. :heartshape:
Thank you rosegold rosegold , I appreciate the kind words. It's just so hard not to have guilt, especially because I thought I was taking her to the ER that night for a UTI and they would just give me antibiotics- but instead they told me she's dying and they can't help her, that they highly suspect FIP or Cancer and it would be best to put her to sleep to end her suffering. Euthanasia was something I never thought I would have to do, at least not at that moment. It was something I never wanted for my baby. I always thought when the time came she would pass at home peacefully. I am just so sad and upset with myself that I did as they recommended without first trying to go to another vet when this ER Vet had told me they could not help her and that even if we ran tests they couldn't save her. I should have left at that moment and found another vet who WOULD try and who WOULD help her. Instead I took their recommendation because I thought they must know better, they are the vets afterall. And now I've lost my baby forever. I'm never gonna see that beautiful face and those beautiful green eyes look up at me again :( I have so many regrets. I wish we would have had the testing done despite them saying they still can't help her. At least then I would have known if they were truly right in thinking she had FIP or Cancer. I took her to 6 vets total in that last year and it's just so sad that we still were not able to get her the help she needed and treat her. I was told different things by different vets. They all had the same look on their faces, like there was no point in trying because my baby was old (17) and very thin. I wish i would have been able to find a good caring vet who had her best interests in mind and who was willing to fight for her. I can only blame myself for that though, I was the one who took her to all these vets... I should have done more research and made absolutely sure I was taking her to the best. I never read or researched about the ER vet I took her to those last two nights, If i would have I know I would never have taken her there. After all the bad things I have read about that hospital now and the doctors who saw my baby. I am just so sorry to her. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to fix this. :(

I'm so sorry about Chai, she passed just one day after my sweet Rosie. :(:hearthrob: My heart breaks for you and what you are going through. I have read your thread and it brought me to tears. Chai was absolutely beautiful! I can relate to so much of what you wrote and the feelings you described. It's truly devastating when we lose our babies. I'm so so so sorry <3
I wanted to ask, that is if you don't mind.. how you knew from the blood work that what she had was certainly FIP? I have been going over Rosie's blood work and reading a lot about FIP and I wish I could find some information that will give me some peace of mind that I made the right decision and if she truly did have FIP then maybe it will be easier to come to terms with it all. I was told she could possibly have FIP by 3 of the vets we saw. It was difficult to believe because they had come to that prognosis by only feeling fluid in her abdomen and her testing positive for coronavirus. Which I am told should never be how FIP is diagnosed. Also everything i read about FIP says it's more common in kittens and they almost always have a fever. Rosie was 17 and she never had a fever, at least not that i knew about or when she was examined. I just always wondered if it was still possible she had FIP.

I just want to say thank you to all of you again. I honestly don't know what I would do If i didn't have this site to vent and talk about my feelings & thoughts after losing my baby. It really does help writing about it and letting it all out. Thank you all for putting up with me. Thank you for listening, reading, and/or replying to any of my posts. It means so much to me, I am forever grateful!
 
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rosegold

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I wanted to ask, that is if you don't mind.. how you knew from the blood work that what she had was certainly FIP? I have been going over Rosie's blood work and reading a lot about FIP and I wish I could find some information that will give me some peace of mind that I made the right decision and if she truly did have FIP then maybe it will be easier to come to terms with it all. I was told she could possibly have FIP by 3 of the vets we saw. It was difficult to believe because they had come to that prognosis by only feeling fluid in her abdomen and her testing positive for coronavirus. Which I am told should never be how FIP is diagnosed. Also everything i read about FIP says it's more common in kittens and they almost always have a fever. Rosie was 17 and she never had a fever, at least not that i knew about or when she was examined. I just always wondered if it was still possible she had FIP.
I think it’s basically impossible to diagnose FIP with flawless, 100% certainty except through an autopsy. From my understanding the diagnosis is usually made based on a variety of factors and elimination of other diseases, rather than one specific test. But for wet FIP, a PCR test and cytology of the fluid (and Rivalta test) can diagnose wet FIP with a high degree of certainty.

Honestly I struggled with a lot of guilt about this too, until a couple weeks ago. I think I wrote a little about it on Chai’s thread, but basically I was told she had FIP with about 90% certainty and that euthanasia was the best option. At that time, I wasn’t given copies of any bloodwork or anything. So I euthanized her based on the vet’s advice... which, in retrospect, I felt incredibly guilty about and wondered if I should’ve taken her for more second opinions, more tests... she was so young and it broke my heart that her life was cut so short.

At the time Chai had a complete blood panel, an xray, an ultrasound, and a Rivalta test on the abdominal fluid. I have since gotten copies of all of those and I shared them with an FIP group on Facebook (FIP Fighters) whose vets and experts helped look at the results and explain them to me. Rivalta test can also be positive in case of bacterial peritonitis and lymphoma, but since Chai was having seizures, the experts in that group explained to me that it was likely either FIP or a lymphoma that had reached the brain, both of which would be incurable. After getting that closure, I felt the weight of guilt lift from me knowing that I made the right choice. This was only a couple weeks ago. I am very lucky that I was able to get that closure, though.

If you want, you could try sharing the bloodwork with FIP Fighters or in the Cat Health forums here and see if anyone has any input. I’m not an expert but I know that there are certain levels that might indicate FIP, like a low albumin:globulin ratio—but they are not always 100% consistent. Old cats can definitely get FIP. It tends to hit when the immune system is weaker. I don’t know if Chai ever had a fever either. I don’t remember hearing anything about it. For me and the way my brain processes things, it helped immensely to see things from a rational, medical perspective and read a lot of scientific papers on FIP. It can turn into a painful rabbit trail if you’re not careful, but personally I would rather know as much as I can to help me process.

No matter what, when guilt or regrets creep in, I have to keep reminding myself that I made the choice out of love for her. At the time, my heart was breaking but I didn’t hesitate to euthanize her if it meant she would be freed from an incurable pain. And it sounds like you felt the same. Euthanasia is a terrible decision for us to make, but it is also the kindest gift we can give our babies when they are in pain and helpless, and in my opinion is usually much kinder than clinging onto them until they waste away and die naturally. It sounds like Rosie was old and suffering, regardless of exactly what it was, and whether the vets were right or wrong YOU made the best decision for her you could’ve possibly made with the information you were given. I hope you can find some closure too. My heart goes out to you!
 

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I’m so sorry for the loss of Rosie!:alright:
0401FF66-B873-4D71-A49E-C1CF9AF53A61.jpeg
I think whenever you put your cat to sleep you are left with guilt riddled questions, wondering if you did the right thing. IMO I think you probably did. Also I think it is better to euthanize to early rather then to late. If you had done more tests and treatments and dragged it out more..... think of the extra fear and pain she would have gone through. Euthanasia means a good death; it is the gift we give to our furry companions. Because we can act, we must.
:vibes::grouphug:
FB958A33-BB82-419E-A2F1-8D8991668C52.jpeg
 
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joyfulrose

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I think it’s basically impossible to diagnose FIP with flawless, 100% certainty except through an autopsy. From my understanding the diagnosis is usually made based on a variety of factors and elimination of other diseases, rather than one specific test. But for wet FIP, a PCR test and cytology of the fluid (and Rivalta test) can diagnose wet FIP with a high degree of certainty.

Honestly I struggled with a lot of guilt about this too, until a couple weeks ago. I think I wrote a little about it on Chai’s thread, but basically I was told she had FIP with about 90% certainty and that euthanasia was the best option. At that time, I wasn’t given copies of any bloodwork or anything. So I euthanized her based on the vet’s advice... which, in retrospect, I felt incredibly guilty about and wondered if I should’ve taken her for more second opinions, more tests... she was so young and it broke my heart that her life was cut so short.

At the time Chai had a complete blood panel, an xray, an ultrasound, and a Rivalta test on the abdominal fluid. I have since gotten copies of all of those and I shared them with an FIP group on Facebook (FIP Fighters) whose vets and experts helped look at the results and explain them to me. Rivalta test can also be positive in case of bacterial peritonitis and lymphoma, but since Chai was having seizures, the experts in that group explained to me that it was likely either FIP or a lymphoma that had reached the brain, both of which would be incurable. After getting that closure, I felt the weight of guilt lift from me knowing that I made the right choice. This was only a couple weeks ago. I am very lucky that I was able to get that closure, though.

If you want, you could try sharing the bloodwork with FIP Fighters or in the Cat Health forums here and see if anyone has any input. I’m not an expert but I know that there are certain levels that might indicate FIP, like a low albumin:globulin ratio—but they are not always 100% consistent. Old cats can definitely get FIP. It tends to hit when the immune system is weaker. I don’t know if Chai ever had a fever either. I don’t remember hearing anything about it. For me and the way my brain processes things, it helped immensely to see things from a rational, medical perspective and read a lot of scientific papers on FIP. It can turn into a painful rabbit trail if you’re not careful, but personally I would rather know as much as I can to help me process.

No matter what, when guilt or regrets creep in, I have to keep reminding myself that I made the choice out of love for her. At the time, my heart was breaking but I didn’t hesitate to euthanize her if it meant she would be freed from an incurable pain. And it sounds like you felt the same. Euthanasia is a terrible decision for us to make, but it is also the kindest gift we can give our babies when they are in pain and helpless, and in my opinion is usually much kinder than clinging onto them until they waste away and die naturally. It sounds like Rosie was old and suffering, regardless of exactly what it was, and whether the vets were right or wrong YOU made the best decision for her you could’ve possibly made with the information you were given. I hope you can find some closure too. My heart goes out to you!
Thank you so much rosegold rosegold . I'm so happy you were able to get some closure and know that you made the best decision out of love for your sweet Chai. I hope that I can find some closure too. I have taken your advice and posted her blood test results in the health forum and i will be checking out the FIP facebook group as well, thank you.
Honestly I have been really struggling lately, I just miss her so much. I know there must have been something really bad going on with my Rosie if I let myself think about it. She was practically skin and bones near the end and it didn't matter how much I fed her or how much she ate, she never seemed to put on any weight. Then her belly swelled up with fluid seemingly over night and she had trouble urinating, was constipated, started losing her balance.... became very very weak. It all happened very quickly in a matter of a few days... it was all just so heartbreaking. I didn't want to believe it could be FIP or Cancer. I didn't want to lose her. I loved her so so so much, she was the best thing that ever happened to me.. My everything. So that night at the ER when they said that she was dying and they could not help her and they recommended putting her to sleep, they kept saying over and over to me that she was suffering a lot, and what kind of quality of life would she have? Of course when a vet tells you your baby is suffering your heart shatters and you want to do anything to take away their pain. I was in shock when it happened. I just remember crying the entire time. My mom was with me the night and she was the one who actually told them we agreed that was the best thing to do. I just really hope with all my heart that it was the right decision. :bawling:
 
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joyfulrose

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I’m so sorry for the loss of Rosie!:alright:
View attachment 277890
I think whenever you put your cat to sleep you are left with guilt riddled questions, wondering if you did the right thing. IMO I think you probably did. Also I think it is better to euthanize to early rather then to late. If you had done more tests and treatments and dragged it out more..... think of the extra fear and pain she would have gone through. Euthanasia means a good death; it is the gift we give to our furry companions. Because we can act, we must.
:vibes::grouphug:
View attachment 277889
Thank you so much danteshuman danteshuman , that's really beautiful. I do feel like the vets didn't want to put her through more testing and treatments because they felt like she may not be able to handle it. I also worried about that because she just looked so frail those last few days. They told me that she couldn't even stand when they examined her in the back. A part of me wanted to have more testing done so we could know for sure if there was anything more we could do. If whatever this was could somehow be treated. But another part of me feared she would not be able to endure more testing and treatments. :(
 

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Our minds and hearts are incredibly clouded and burdened in a stressful time like when euthana is discussed. We are way too close, too close to see what is truly going on. Our minds do not, and will not accept what is being discussed. And they never will. We have to assign blame somewhere and usually it is on ourselves. Later when our minds can think clearly once more, THEN we start rationalizing and coming up with different senarios that our minds WiLL accept, but it is too little too late.
That is why it is best to rely on the vet's opinion. It is someone who has seen this countless times and knows what the outcome will be. That has seen the suffering, the pain, the hopelessness from the suffering one's view. They don't mention euthanization just to get it over with, they know because they have seen this countless times and what is going to happen. We don't see this becuse most conditions in cats happen so gradually, the symptoms in the beginning are so subtle. And because our hearts will never let go. You also hear of miraculous recoveries and hold hope. But these are as fleeting as life itself, and do not happen every day.
You cannot accept that you had a hand in ending your little one's life. Believe me, I have been through MANY 'natural' deaths and everyone I have attended is NOT a simple 'slipping away'. Both humans and cats fight against the darkness, every living creature is programmed to fight to the very end. It is something that destroys something inside you, all you want is for the suffering, the fight, to end. The guilt and feelings of hopelessness are with you forever too, because you are thinking this. Like is said on this site so many times, it is better to end the pain a day too early than a day too late. When you have a choice, pick mercy.......
 

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I think it is hard to accept a cat’s death when you love them so dearly!

This last December I took my cat to the vet knowing it was time to let him go ..... yet I still held out hope that I was wrong .... that somehow he could get better. Has soon as I told the vet I wanted him to be comfortable she told me she agreed with putting him to sleep. We put him to sleep that day.

I know how incrediably painful it is and I wish I could ease your pain. It was why I included the poem of “I’m free”. Please don’t blame yourself. If the vet disagreed with you, they would have told you and resisted putting your cat to sleep. Often people drag out putting their pet down longer than they should, the first time they have to make that difficult choice. I saw my mom keep our cat alive for a year and half past the point I would have ..... and I saw the suffering my baby girl went through needlessly because we couldn’t let her go. So when my boy was ill and dying I stressed that above all I wanted him to be comfortable.

Think back to the last month of your girl’s life...... was she comfortable? Happy? Content? Or was she hurting, uncomfortable, stressed and scared? If she was hurting/stressed/scared/uncomfortable all the time ..... then you did the loving thing letting her go. Forgive yourself, she wouldn’t want you to be sad.
 
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joyfulrose

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It seems to me as if you made the right (and also kindest) decision - please don't tear yourself apart over it - it is an extremely distressing thing you had to do, but please don't punish yourself about it, it was kindness and mercy.
Thank you. I hope with my entire heart that it really was the right and best decision.. Because lately the guilt has been really bad and I just feel horrible. I can't stop feeling like there was something more that could have been done. If only I would have gone to a different ER vet that night. I just miss my baby so much. :bawling:
 
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joyfulrose

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Our minds and hearts are incredibly clouded and burdened in a stressful time like when euthana is discussed. We are way too close, too close to see what is truly going on. Our minds do not, and will not accept what is being discussed. And they never will. We have to assign blame somewhere and usually it is on ourselves. Later when our minds can think clearly once more, THEN we start rationalizing and coming up with different senarios that our minds WiLL accept, but it is too little too late.
That is why it is best to rely on the vet's opinion. It is someone who has seen this countless times and knows what the outcome will be. That has seen the suffering, the pain, the hopelessness from the suffering one's view. They don't mention euthanization just to get it over with, they know because they have seen this countless times and what is going to happen. We don't see this becuse most conditions in cats happen so gradually, the symptoms in the beginning are so subtle. And because our hearts will never let go. You also hear of miraculous recoveries and hold hope. But these are as fleeting as life itself, and do not happen every day.
You cannot accept that you had a hand in ending your little one's life. Believe me, I have been through MANY 'natural' deaths and everyone I have attended is NOT a simple 'slipping away'. Both humans and cats fight against the darkness, every living creature is programmed to fight to the very end. It is something that destroys something inside you, all you want is for the suffering, the fight, to end. The guilt and feelings of hopelessness are with you forever too, because you are thinking this. Like is said on this site so many times, it is better to end the pain a day too early than a day too late. When you have a choice, pick mercy.......
Everything you said is exactly how I'm feeling. I feel like my heart doesn't want to accept it. And as you said, when I see or read about other pets going through similar issues or with similar illnesses and they somehow recover and get through it and continue on to live long full lives. It makes me wonder, could that have happened with my Rosie? Maybe she would have pulled through and bounced back from all of this. Maybe I could have had more time with her. Even before those last few days when previous vets would say things to me like "she's sick you have to face it" or "i don't think she will make it another month" I still held onto hope. I truly believed she would get better. I really thought I could help her. I cried and prayed so much and so hard for her. I didn't think I would lose her so soon. :(
 
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joyfulrose

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I think it is hard to accept a cat’s death when you love them so dearly!

This last December I took my cat to the vet knowing it was time to let him go ..... yet I still held out hope that I was wrong .... that somehow he could get better. Has soon as I told the vet I wanted him to be comfortable she told me she agreed with putting him to sleep. We put him to sleep that day.

I know how incrediably painful it is and I wish I could ease your pain. It was why I included the poem of “I’m free”. Please don’t blame yourself. If the vet disagreed with you, they would have told you and resisted putting your cat to sleep. Often people drag out putting their pet down longer than they should, the first time they have to make that difficult choice. I saw my mom keep our cat alive for a year and half past the point I would have ..... and I saw the suffering my baby girl went through needlessly because we couldn’t let her go. So when my boy was ill and dying I stressed that above all I wanted him to be comfortable.

Think back to the last month of your girl’s life...... was she comfortable? Happy? Content? Or was she hurting, uncomfortable, stressed and scared? If she was hurting/stressed/scared/uncomfortable all the time ..... then you did the loving thing letting her go. Forgive yourself, she wouldn’t want you to be sad.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. :( :hearthrob:
Thank you for the poem, that was really nice. I feel like the vets who were the ones that pressured us into euthanizing and it was all they were willing to do for my baby. No matter what I told them or asked them. I asked if there was something more that could be done. The vet said no, and that even if we had more blood work and testing done that he still could not help my baby. He was speaking in a very rude and rushed tone but we believed him when he said that nothing could be done to save her. I don't know if he was right in what he suspected because we never confirmed with testing that day. & That is something i regret soo so much. I wish we had done one last blood test at least, or even an xray despite what he told us. Maybe I would have had some answers if we had done so, and it wouldn't be so hard dealing with all of this, and I wouldn't feel so guilty. I remember after the vet got us to agree to euthanasia he said "this is the wisest thing you could do because she's really suffering a lot"
When you hear that your heart breaks because you don't ever want your baby to suffer or feel any pain. I kept saying that I wasn't ready to lose her yet, and I felt like she didn't want to go yet. I told my mom that I wanted Rosie with me till the end..but at the same time I didn't want her to suffer, if she truly was.

When I think back to that last month, it started off okay. She seemed to be her normal self. It wasn't until I had taken her to get her blood work rechecked in the First week of November that everything changed. After her blood work results came in, she was put on antibiotics and while she was on the antibiotics- near the end of finishing her course.. That was when I noticed her swollen belly. Then soon after that she had trouble urinating and was constipated at the same time. Then when I took her to the vet 2 more times, things got even worse... she became weaker, was wobbly and losing her balance a little bit, she would lay in her littler box after urinating. She seemed to have trouble swallowing that last day and there was a moment i felt her go kind of limp in my hands as i was lifting her up to carry her. But I wouldn't say that she was unhappy all the time that month. She had all these things going on, but through it all she still ate and drank and still slept by me every night. I feel like she didn't want to leave me yet. I am just so devastated. I feel like I took her life when she may have had more life to live and wanted nothing more than to be with me.
 

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Believe me, everyone of us that has loved and lost a little one has gone through the same feelings you are. Grief is all of that. You are not alone in your pain, we feel it with you. It is something you learn to live with, and it does get better in time, one day at a time.....
 

rosegold

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She WAS with you, though, till the very end, and will be with you forever in your heart and memories. :hearthrob:

I understand the euthanasia guilt completely. It is a terrible weight on our shoulders, and a terrible choice to have to make, even when it is the most rational choice. And there is always a difficult grey area between fighting to save/prolong their lives by any means necessary, and letting them go with peace and dignity. There will always be what-ifs. Try to be kind to yourself. Rosie loved you very much and forgives you for any wrong you feel you have done, and I think, were she in your position, she would’ve chosen the same thing to help ease your pain. :hearthrob:
 

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I think you should look for a new vet! Mine was super compansionate and gave me an extra 15 minutes to say goodbye and make sure he was REALLY asleep/unconscious before we put him to sleep.

That said you need to remember you can not explain to a cat or dog why you are giving them injections/pills/taking them to the vet etc.....
 

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Please don’t blame yourself. You can not bring her back. Next time you are in that position you can run that last extra test.

In my case, my boy was eating and drinking a little bit, but he was out of breath all the time. He couldn’t understand why he was out of breath or that he had severe asthma. I stopped giving him his daily IV because it looked like it would be his last week ...... I didn’t want to spend his last days torturing him. I wanted his last days to be filled with comfort and love.
 
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