Missing My Pretty Girl So Soo Much... :(

[joyfulrose]

Thank you so much, your words are so beautiful. Thank you all for being so kind and caring. It really means so much to me. I know it's so hard to accept this and I really am trying. I think it just scares me that there was something I could have missed or something more I could have done. Or that maybe I didn't try hard enough to help her. I think i really truly felt i could help her somehow and in the end that was not the case so I feel like I let her down, I feel like she would have thought I gave up on her or I did not fight hard enough for her. But everyone around me always says that I did so much and I did the best that I could. I hope my sweet baby knew how much I loved her and how badly I wanted to help her and get her through this. I'm so sorry to her that I couldn't. But I am comforted in the thought that she is no longer in any pain and no longer suffering. She will forever me be in my heart. May my sweet Rosie, my pretty girl, may she Rest In Peace.<3

 

[joyfulrose]

I don't know if anyone is still following this but I thought I would give an update.
Last night I was able to speak to the ER Vet who put my beloved Rosie to sleep. I was hoping that by speaking to him I would get some peace of mind and hopefully what he would tell me would ease my still aching heart and assure me that we made the right decision. I don't know if I can say our conversation had done that, some of the things he said and the way he spoke made me question certain things even more and I still worry that we acted too soon and I fear that maybe if we had just waited a few more days.. just maybe, my baby would have pulled through or gotten better.
The first thing I asked the ER Vet when I spoke to him last night is if he had remembered me and my cat Rosie cuz it has been about a month since she had passed. He immediately remembered her he said "Yes I remember her, she was the cat who had the abdominal fluid & distended belly who we didn't want to run any tests on." I told him that I had been emailed the notes and reports that he and the other ER Vet made from the night that we were there (i attached pics in a post above of their notes) and I told him that I wanted to know why their notes were quite different from each other when they were only a couple few hours apart?(I had never even seen any of their notes until after my baby had been put to sleep) He told me that he didn't think their notes were very different from each other, but I asked him why then did on the other vets notes did she indicate Rosie had abnormal heart rate,resp rate and weak femur pulses, pale mucous membrane... and on his notes it showed everything was normal- normal heart rate, temp, resp rate, strong femur pulses, pink mucous membrane..I asked him why he came into the room and told me my cat was dying that night if everything seemed normal that night when he examined her? He told me that he actually felt like her heard something in her lungs but he didn't put it down he said "i don't know why i should have put it down" that makes me really confused and worried that maybe he didn't examine her properly that night... he also said he didn't feel like she look as bad as the vet from the previous night at the ER had said when he examined her. So I asked him again, why did he tell me she was dying if she seemed better from the night before? and I told him in the moment I was in shock and did not get to ask him everything I wanted to, would she have lived another month, another week, a few days? He said "because she was dying" and "no no no no not another month, maybe a few hours or days" He went on to say that whatever was causing that fluid in her abdomen was really really bad and like he told me that night- even if he did tests he said he would not have been able to treat her or help her. He still believes it was either cancer or FIP- I told him that I read and researched a lot about FIP and it almost always has high fever as one of the main symptoms and my Rosie never had a fever(at least not at any of the several vet visits we have been to) He told me that with FIP there doesn't always need to be a fever and he said it always very difficult to diagnose. But he assured me that we made the right choice and best choice to prevent further suffering. He said whether she had liver failure/kidney failure/ Cancer/ or FIP none of those would have been treatable so he feels we made the right decision. The whole time when I was speaking to him he seemed in a rush to hang up though, and I didn't get a chance to ask him about whether or not this could have been pancreatitis... I know she had pancreatitis due to her blood test from the weeks prior.(spec fpl 6.1) If it was pancreatitis, would that have not been treatable? I am just trying my best to understand all of this. Sometimes I feel like maybe she truly did have something, maybe she was really sick with an incurable disease. But then other times I wonder but what if it could have been treated? Some cancers are treatable... pancreatitis could be treatable..If it were wet FIP- then maybe not. The thing that truly kills me is I will have to live the rest of my life not knowing what this truly was. I think that is what makes it so hard for me to accept. I am trying really hard to be okay with this but I am struggling. My worst fear is that maybe if I hadn't gotten so worried and rushed her to the ER vet that night maybe she would have gotten better and still be here with me. (I have read several stories where cats with similar symptoms improved after a few days) and If the ER Vet saw thar Rosie looked pretty ok and not so bad that last night- then why could we have not taken her home and monitored her... maybe she would have pulled through? But he never told me this- he just came into the room after examining her saying "your kitty is dying and I can't help her" How could i have done this to her. It had only been a few days with these symptoms (maybe like 5-6days)she wasnt given any time maybe she would have improved. I am absolutely heart broken. Sometimes I wish i would have just taken her home that night despite what the Er Vet had told me- i thought he must know better though, when he told me she was dying I wasnt thinking straight, i was in shock, i thought he meant she was dying in that moment, i thought she was suffering, i thought nothing could be done because that is what he told me. I felt rushed and pressured & that my only option was to euthanize. Im so scared that it was all done too soon and that my baby had more life left to live. I still cant believe she is gone.

 

[downton ali]

The thing is....you might never know with absolute certainty what it was specifically that caused your cat to be gravely and critically ill. That is a hard fact to live with, yet we live with that reality all the time in other areas of our lives, eg job loss, breakups, death of loved ones, and so on. Based on what you’ve written, it truly sounds like there was nothing else that could have been done to ultimately save her- not by waiting 1 or 2 days, not by treating her another way, not by calling the various vets, not by pouring over the notes, etc.. I don’t think analyzing it will spare you the feelings of grief nor have changed the final outcome.

She’s gone, it’s extraordinarily painful and challenging to live without her and I’m so so sorry for that. I dread the thought myself one day. She had amazing caretaker in you- you who would’ve done anything in the world to save her, even if only for a few more days.

If I may make a suggestion, maybe do something today that shows a little self- care, eg take a walk, get a mani, etc. and then do something for someone else that will get you out of your own head for a little while, eg make a call to a friend who is having a hard time, volunteer, anything you can think of.

Hugs

 

[joyfulrose]

downton ali thank you, I know you're right and it's so hard to come to terms with it. I will never know what was truly wrong with her and I will have to live the rest of my life wondering and questioning whether we made the right decision or not.
That night I went to the Emergency Vet hoping they would give me antibiotics for what I had thought was a UTI (i still feel like that was what it was- i don't know if i am right but all her symptoms were that of a uti) I just can't stop wondering what if she was dying from this infection because no one wanted to treat it? I have read they can die of UTI's in 24-48 hrs if left untreated. I told the vets several times I felt like she had a UTI... she was first straining to urinate, only producing small amounts of urine- sometimes drops, then she started sitting in the litter box, then she urinated on my bed(something she had never done before in her life) all of these symptoms i have read were that of a UTI. She then started losing her balance a little bit when she would walk.. walking kinda wobbly.. And at the same time she seemed to be dealing with some constipation as well- sometimes she would lay on her stomach trying to pass a bowel she would keep pushing and sometimes nothing would happen, other times she would pass small round hard stool.
I never thought taking her to the ER Vet that night I would be told she was dying and nothing could be done to help her and that I should euthanize to end her suffering. I never thought i would be going back home with an empty carrier that night. I never thought that would be the last day i would see my sweet Rosie.
So it's just been very hard, my heart hurts so much. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that will never ever be filled. All i wanted was to help her and help her quickly, I worried if this actually was a uti and it was left untreated it would kill her... I fear that is what may have happened. And even if that wasn't what was going on and it was something else like a bout of pancreatitis, that could have been treatable, or we could have at least tried. I wanted to try... but the Vet did not. I wish he would have at least tried.. tried anything. He gave me no hope, he came into the room saying"i don't know what you want me to tell you, your kitty is dying" (and not in the nicest tone) & "she is suffering a lot" I remember crying so hard when he said those words to me, I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I couldn't believe what he was saying to me. I asked if we could run tests and he said"even if you run tests I still can not help her or save her" I regret not having them done anyway, despite what he said. I would have known for sure what was truly going on. Truthfully though, I worried about Rosie having to go through all the testing because that day she looked so weak and fragile. Maybe that was why the vet didn't want to run any tests? I'm not sure.
I know nothing can be changed and nothing can bring her back. I wish so much that were possible, that I could go back in time and think more clearly and ask more questions and see if there could have been a possibility that we could try other things to treat whatever this was. I don't know if it would have changed the outcome or if the outcome would have been the same- but at least I will have known I tried everything I could to save her, to help her... I would have had more time to research and read up on all the illnesses they suspected. Maybe if she had gone home that night she would have gotten better? I honestly felt like I was pressured and rushed and made to feel the only option was the put my baby to sleep. And the vet was in and out so quickly after it happened. I feel like I should have been given more time to think about it, to be sure this was truly the best option. But they didn't really give me any time, they never asked me if I was sure. It was my first time ever going through this, I did not even know what to expect. They never explained anything to me at all. It was all just very very sad.
I know the swollen/distended belly was the main concern. But there are lots of possible reasons for that. I know some are very bad and even fatal but there are also possibilities that the swollen belly could have been for something that may have possibly been treated. But I remember the ER vet from the night before the last night telling me she worried if she were to drain my Rosie's belly or give her fluids that it could kill her and she also said she felt like the fluid in her belly was what was actually saving her life. But I have had another vet tell me that giving her fluids would not harm her but theres always a risk and because she had mild anemia they had to be sure not to give too much or she could go into shock and die. i am just so confused and sad about how all of this happened. I don't understand how my baby was fine 2 weeks prior then after taking amoxi drops for 7 days (the previous 2nd vet had prescribed) all of a sudden she had a swollen belly, trouble urinating, and constipation. It doesn't make sense how she were from being perfectly fine to declining quickly in a matter of days.
I'm just so sorry to her that I couldn't help her, i'm sorry that I failed her, I'm so so very sorry. I should have tried harder, should have fought harder,should have asked more questions, should have done anything.
I would give anything for another day with her. I know it's not possible and I know i should stop dwelling on all the what if's, should haves/could haves... but it's just so hard not to question everything or wonder because no tests had been done to confirm a proper diagnosis.
I feel like I just haven't been the same since that day. I had my Rosie for 17 years. Every day she was with me, every night she slept beside me. It just doesn't feel right without her. Everything feels weird and different. I miss her every day. I miss her soo sooo much.
I have 3 other cats (all seniors) and I worry about the day that I will have to go through something like this again. Rosie was my first pet I ever had to pts and I honestly don't know if I can go through all of that again with my other cats. Its such a hard thing to go through, maybe because it was my first loss ever, i'm not sure.. but it has been absolutely heart wrenching. She was such an amazing special kitty. I will never ever forget her as long as I live. She will forever be in my heart. I hope she felt all of my love and knew how much I loved her. I hope she knew how badly I wish I could have fixed whatever this was. How badly I wanted to help her. How badly I wanted her to be with me for many more years. I hope she knew how much I wanted to do for her and what I would have given for more time with her. I wasn't ready for her to go, I wasn't ready for her to leave me yet. I felt like she wasn't ready to leave me yet, she kept fighting till the very last second. I know she did it for me. It all just happened so fast.
I have been trying my best to get out of my own head and keep myself busy- today has been a little better but the pain in my heart is still there- maybe it will always be there. I loved her so much, I think it will take a long time for me to feel better and come to terms with all of this.
downton ali I like and appreciate your suggestions. I will try, thank you.
I don't know if it's weird for me to feel this way, but ever since Rosie passed I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I used to enjoy watching like comedy TV shows every night before I went to bed and since my baby passed I haven't been watching any shows- I have no interest any more. Seems like all i have been doing is researching every possibility and all the illnesses the vets suspected- looking for something, anything to show me that we made the right decision. I know i probably shouldn't do that because I probably wont find anything that can assure me and give me some sort of peace of mind. I feel like there will always be this emptiness.. I feel like it's gonna take a while for me to be able to laugh and/or feel happy again or at least be somewhat ok about all of this. But every day I am trying.

 

[joyfulrose]

The more I read reviews about the emergency hospital I took her to those last two nights and the doctor who saw my baby the first night- the one who recommended euthanasia) the worse I feel. Every single review about this doctor had one star and was a negative review. Most said she misdiagnosed their pets, or told them she couldn't help them and recommended they put their pet to sleep. Many said this vet was very cold and judgmental and she was negligent. That she seemed like she had no business being in this field, she didn't seem like she even liked animals. &I agree with some of the things said, she was very cold and a bit rude to us that night we were there, she did not want to help us, nor try, she also wrote in her notes that we declined treatment and diagnostics but that was not true- she told us right as she came in the room she couldn't help us and recommended we euthanize. I keep beating myself up for believing her, maybe i shouldn't have. Especially because she didn't seem caring or like she had my pets best interest in mind. The other vet we saw at the hospital on the last night- He was also a bit rude and I remember him saying that he read the notes of the previous vet from the night before and that he couldn't help us. So was that what led him to say my cat was dying? What if the other vet had been wrong about what she thought was going on? I feel like she was not even properly examined.(they wrote the wrong weight for her and the doctors reports were quite different from each other though it was a couple hours apart. And if she had seemed better to them the second night then why did they tell me she was dying and nothing can be done to save her?) i am just so hurt. & I am so mad at myself for not taking more time to think about it. Or taking time to research this hospital and make sure she would be getting the best care possible from loving caring vets. I was in shock in the moment and they were very rushy and pressuring me into euthanizing- but that was never my intent that night. I am just so sorry to her.
I was crying all night saying - i'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry baby, I'm so so sorry. I still can't believe everything that happened. I can't believe she's gone.

 

[FelisCatus]

I am going through a similar situation myself currently and just wanted to add my thoughts.

No matter how many times you ask yourself “what if”, you did all you could do and what happened happened. When my first cat suddenly passed away a few years ago I had the same thoughts in my head “what if we just went to the ER, what if this or that.” Nothing I think about will change what happened. Instead I channel that energy into her memory and on the day she passed each month I do a quick 1-3 min video of me giving her an update on my life and her family (her best friend is currently losing their battle with cancer).

As much as it pains me to lose yet another cat I need to live on and be healthy for my other cats. I know I will see them again in the future, it is just not yet time.

When I finally have the courage to euthanize my currently sick kitty who is losing their battle with cancer I plan to do what downton ali suggested and will be taking a trip with my wife to a local zoo that focuses on big cats and we will be munching down on our favourite food. After things settle down a bit I will continue the ritual of making a video/speaking to them and giving them monthly updates .

Stay strong!

 

[Maria Bayote]

That is too bad. I wish you never have to go through this pain over and over again. Please find comfort that your little girl is now running freely in an endless fields of grass, looking down on you with a loving smile.

Hang in there.

 

[joyfulrose]

FelisCatus I'm so sorry you are also going through something similar. And I am so so sorry for the loss of your cat and for what you are going through right now with your current kitty who is battling with cancer. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
It's so hard to move past all of this and not question or wonder- My cat meant so much to me, not many people in my life understand how deeply I loved and cared about her. I would have done anything for her. I guess that is why this has been so difficult for me to come to terms with. We had such a beautiful & special bond and I'm just so sorry I could not help her. I really wanted to with every bit of my heart. I truly thought I could and that I would get her through this but instead I feel like I failed her. It was my first time ever going through something like this. I did not know what to expect, I didn't know much about it at all. I only wish the vet had explained everything to me. I told him it was my first time ever having to make a decision like this. I wish he would have had a talk with me about all of it and made sure that I understood everything and that I was sure about my decision. I wish he hadn't rushed me and pressured me into feeling like this was the only option. I wish he didn't just go in and out of the room quickly when it happened. Maybe i wouldn't have felt so much guilt afterwards if I had the time to think clearly and ask all the questions I wanted to ask that I never got a chance to because I was in shock after what they told me. I went there thinking I would be getting antibiotics for her but instead I was told my kitty was dying and they can not help her.
But I know you're right- what happened, happened. And nothing can be changed. I will have to learn how to live with that and some how manage.That is what everyone keeps telling me. No matter how much I wish for things to be different, or how much I wish for a different outcome, I know that it is not possible. And that really hurts but I know I must accept it and try to move past this. I know I need to try to remember all of the good memories we shared... but I can't seem to stop crying, cant seem to stop my heart from breaking over and over again every time I remember that night. And every time I remember the words the ER vet said to me. I really am trying though- It's been a month and one week now so everything is still very fresh but I promise I am trying. I just miss her so very much. It doesn't feel right without her. She brought so much love and joy to my life.. I don't know how I will ever be the same again without her.
I love the mini video updates, that sounds lovely. And everything downton ali suggested. I will do my best. Thank you all again, you have no idea how much it means to me. I am so blessed to have found such wonderful caring people who truly understand what I am going through and who offer so much love and support. It really does mean so much and I am forever grateful to all of you.

 

[joyfulrose]

I miss her so much.. Every min of every day. My heart continues to ache... I'm so so sorry baby. I'm so so sorry.

 

[joyfulrose]

Today is 2 months since I lost my beautiful Rosie.
Some days are a little better than others but the questions and the pain in my heart never seem to go away. Every time I remember that last night, my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again and I start crying. I still just can't believe she is gone. I can't believe that I did this to her.. It was never my intention. I don't know how I allowed for it to happen. I always told myself I would never do that to her. I loved her soo so much and I failed her. The words the ER vets told me those last two nights just keep replaying in my head over and over. "Highly suspect cancer or FIP" "She's dying" "there's nothing we can do to help her" "even if you get the testing done there is nothing i can do to save her" "she is suffering a lot" "recommend euthanasia to end her suffering" I just don't know how to come to terms with it. She's gone. I will never see her again. And I will never know what she had exactly and if what the vets suspected was actually correct. Maybe the outcome would have been different if I had just taken her back home that night or maybe it wouldn't have I don't know. I might have had more time with her at the very least. I would give anything to have more time with my baby. I can't understand why the vets rushed me and pressured me to put her to sleep without even trying to run more tests... maybe there was something that could have been done. It was my first time ever going through something like this. They knew that- I told them and I was crying so much. Surely they could see I was not prepared or ready for this. They could see I did not want this. They never once explained it all to me or made sure I was aware of what was going to happen. And when the Doc came in to give her those 2 injections he was in and out in a matter of seconds without a single word. From the first night at the ER it just seemed like the vet didn't want to bother with her and wanted to euthanize since the moment she saw my sweet Rosie. I am just so mad at myself for taking her to this ER hospital without researching about it first. Every single review about the two doctors that saw my baby are negative and one star. Several of them also said all the vet wanted to do was euthanize without trying other options first. I just can't believe this is how I lost my sweet beautiful Rosie. Maybe if I would have taken her to a different ER vet hospital they would have at the very least tried to save her life. It's all my fault I don't know when or how I will ever stop feeling like I'm the one who did this to her. Like i ended her life.. like i failed her when she needed me the most.
Every night since the day i lost her i pray for a sign. Any sign to show me that we did the right thing, but i never get one. I just keep having dreams that she gets better or that I helped her get through it somehow. It makes me feel like we made a terrible mistake. Maybe she was going to get better. It's just so sad that the vets I took her to were not willing to help her.

 

[FelisCatus]

Today is 2 months since I lost my beautiful Rosie.
Some days are a little better than others but the questions and the pain in my heart never seem to go away. Every time I remember that last night, my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again and I start crying. I still just can't believe she is gone. I can't believe that I did this to her.. It was never my intention. I don't know how I allowed for it to happen. I always told myself I would never do that to her. I loved her soo so much and I failed her. The words the ER vets told me those last two nights just keep replaying in my head over and over. "Highly suspect cancer or FIP" "She's dying" "there's nothing we can do to help her" "even if you get the testing done there is nothing i can do to save her" "she is suffering a lot" "recommend euthanasia to end her suffering" I just don't know how to come to terms with it. She's gone. I will never see her again. And I will never know what she had exactly and if what the vets suspected was actually correct. Maybe the outcome would have been different if I had just taken her back home that night or maybe it wouldn't have I don't know. I might have had more time with her at the very least. I would give anything to have more time with my baby. I can't understand why the vets rushed me and pressured me to put her to sleep without even trying to run more tests... maybe there was something that could have been done. It was my first time ever going through something like this. They knew that- I told them and I was crying so much. Surely they could see I was not prepared or ready for this. They could see I did not want this. They never once explained it all to me or made sure I was aware of what was going to happen. And when the Doc came in to give her those 2 injections he was in and out in a matter of seconds without a single word. From the first night at the ER it just seemed like the vet didn't want to bother with her and wanted to euthanize since the moment she saw my sweet Rosie. I am just so mad at myself for taking her to this ER hospital without researching about it first. Every single review about the two doctors that saw my baby are negative and one star. Several of them also said all the vet wanted to do was euthanize without trying other options first. I just can't believe this is how I lost my sweet beautiful Rosie. Maybe if I would have taken her to a different ER vet hospital they would have at the very least tried to save her life. It's all my fault I don't know when or how I will ever stop feeling like I'm the one who did this to her. Like i ended her life.. like i failed her when she needed me the most.
Every night since the day i lost her i pray for a sign. Any sign to show me that we did the right thing, but i never get one. I just keep having dreams that she gets better or that I helped her get through it somehow. It makes me feel like we made a terrible mistake. Maybe she was going to get better. It's just so sad that the vets I took her to were not willing to help her.

I had to put my kitty cat to sleep since we last spoke as well. I understand how you feel.

If you would like some different perspectives of how various members cope, check out my thread:

Rant: I Have Failed And Will Probably Never Recover

It's a heavy topic and definitely not light reading, but you will see that lots of us feel the exact same way as you.

 

[Diana Faye]

My heart goes out to you. Please know that you *did* do everything in your power to help her. No matter how hard we try, time always gets the better of us.

I lost my old man, he was approx 15-17 yrs old. Less energy, a little bonier, but nothing to indicate that there was anything wrong. He had even been to the vet 2 days prior to me coming home to finding him gone. I had recently lost my mother and was depressed, and I kept (keep*) wracking my brain thinking, did I miss anything? Was he suffering and I just didn't know it? Did the vet miss something because I overlooked one minuscule but crucial piece of information? I really, really thought he was fine. Looking back, maybe he was depressed, but I was.. and he never left my side. I thought he was in great shape for his age, and so sure that we'd make it to 20. I told myself and everyone I knew, we were gonna beat the world record for the oldest cat. He was immortal.

You're never ready to loose them. No amount of time will ever be enough. The selfish parts of me want to hold on to him forever, but I have to remember I am grateful to not have had to watch him waste away, to suffer. I hate that he died alone at home, and I wish I could have been sure to ease him into it. But I know if I had had to put him down, idk if I could do it. I would feel exactly as you do now, so I do empathize. But you did do everything you could- several vets, medications, diet changes. You gave her the best chance that you could have. If she was lingering or truly suffering, you took away her pain. He gave her the greatest gift, of a selfless love. You took her pain into your heart and gave her everlasting peace. For her, you are her forever.

I'm literally sobbing now. You may feel lost without her now but know, you are not alone in your grief. "Grief is just love with nowhere to go."

 

[di and bob]

Try to focus on the real fact that if you would have had more time with her it would have been for you, for her it would have been more suffering, more pain.......for so many vets to say it was time, it was her time. You are redirecting your grief because you have no answers to your questions. Some things just happen, no one knows why or can explain properly. On the other hand there are also miracles that cannot be explained either.
Your precious girl does not want to be the reason for all this pain. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, so she wants for you. I spent the first two years in exactly the same spot you are now in, and found that going over all these should haves and could haves changes absolutely nothing except to make me absolutely miserable and make her death more important than her life. The time we spent together is the most precious gift I will ever receive. The depth of your grief is measured by how deeply you loved, and sometimes it can drag you into hell if you let it. Love is supposed to bring you happiness, and to truly know love you have to eventually experience grief. Knowing grief does teach us one thing in life, it teaches us to appreciate what we do have, when we have it. To open our hearts more often and quicker, because it is the love and the happiness it brings that counts, that makes life worth living. Not concentrating on the hurt that follows when they leave us. To live day to day, in the moment, not in the past because the past is unchangeable, and the future is not yet ours. It is now, the present that we need to concentrate on, grief can be overcome, one day at a time....
To get through the grief we have to let it remain in the past and rebuild our lives with the help of their love that we will always hold in our hearts. Your little girl gave you one of life's greatest gifts, her love. Try not to repay her with tears and pain, there has been enough of that. But with thankfulness and joy, with letting her know you will take that love and help it to live on through you now, to be added on to and to help it grow. And she will help you if you ask.....

 

[joyfulrose]

FelisCatus I'm so so sorry for your loss Thank you, I will check out that thread.

Diana Faye I'm so so very sorry for the loss of your cat and your mother. I appreciate the kind words but I just don't know if that's true. I don't think I can say I absolutely did and tried everything I could have. I did not try all the medications I read about because I was scared they would somehow hurt her or end up killing her. I was constantly reading and researching because I did not want to give her something that would cause her any harm or make things worse. I was only offered antibiotics, which I did try but soon after things started to get worse. I never tried SUB-Q fluids because a vet told me she was anemic and if you give too much fluids she could go into shock and die. Another vet told me if you give her fluids when she has all that fluid in her belly it might kill her. She also told me if they drained the fluid there was a possibility she could die. And that the fluid was literally saving her life because she was so thin and bony they did not think she would make it if they drained the fluid. So, I don't know if I can say I did everything I could have. I sometimes think I should have tried the fluids anyway, she was really dehydrated towards the end. I could have tried B-12 injections. There were things we could have tried. There was more I could have done. I took her to 6 vets total that last year. Every vet I went to had the same look on their face. Like they don't even want to try because she's old or because they don't think she can handle it. Yes, she was old (17) but she looked good for her age. She was a fighter. Yes, she was very thin and bony and had lots of muscle loss but despite all that she seemed really healthy for her age. She didn't eat as much as she should but she never once stopped eating completely. I was always able to entice her or find something else she was willing to eat. All her life growing up she never experienced any health issues or problems other than some diarrhea for while 2 years prior which got better when i changed her diet. So it's really hard for me to believe she had cancer or FIP. Especially since no tests had been done to confirm (ultrasounds, xrays- we only had bloodwork done twice) I read a lot about FIP, most cats who get FIP come from shelters or multicat households. We got her from a small pet shop when she was just a kitten. They didn't have many cats there. A lot of it just doesn't add up or make sense. I know not everything does in life. But it's just been so hard for me. Like you, I truly believed my Rosie would make it to at least 20. I would always tell everyone that I was so sure we had many more years together. I would often say I can't imagine my life without her, that i don't know what i would do if i were to ever lose her. My brother told me a few days before I lost her that i should prepare myself because she was getting older. He was joking around- and I was like "oh hush she's gonna live forever, or at least till 20, you'll see!" I never expected i would lose her a couple days later. It's just so hard for me to come to terms with it all. 2 weeks prior to putting her to sleep she was fine. I still remember her face.. she was happy and seemed fine. As soon as i started to give her the antibiotics things just got worse and worse. I don't know if it was from the antibiotics themselves or if it was just a coincidence or if she somehow contracted something from the vet clinic i took her to who gave us the antibiotics. I just don't understand. She seemingly overnight accumulated fluid in her belly- i wasn't sure that's what it was at first, i thought she was just gaining weight because i started to give her more food every hour-two hours in hopes of helping her put on weight. But several vets told me they thought it was fluid in her belly- which led them to believe she had FIP. She seemed fine even with the belly swelling at first, but then she had trouble urinating and was constipated at the same time. I kept thinking it was just a UTI and she needed more antibiotics but none of the vets were willing to prescribe her any. They just kept saying FIP or cancer. And there's nothing they can do. Those last two nights before that horrible decision were the scariest days of my life. She became weaker and wobbly, losing her balance when she walked. She would lay in her litter box after urinating. She just looked so fragile. I tried different over the counter gels and foods hoping to help her if it was just a uti- but nothing seemed to help. I don't know if it made things worse or not. I feel like somehow some way this is all my fault. I never wanted to put her to sleep. I took my mom with me that night and she was the one who said we should do that after the vet told us my cat was dying and he couldn't help her. At the time we thought he meant she was dying right now. We weren't thinking straight. I told my mom I didn't think that was the right thing to do, that I wanted Rosie to be with me till the very end. I wanted to try and do the testing even though the vet told us he still would not be able to help her even if we did the testing. I kept praying harder than i have ever prayed before. I really thought she would get better. I thought i could help her through this. I felt like even though she was so weak she wanted me to fight for her. But that night I think I was in shock. I had no sense of reality i didn't feel this was actually happening. That i was about to lose Rosie and I would never see her again. When my mom told them we want to put her to sleep. I cried and cried and though I told her I didn't want to lose Rosie, that I wasn't ready. And i didn't think this was the right decision. I never did anything to stop it. I was frozen. I can't believe I just let it happen. Now she's gone and I will never see her again. I don't know how I will ever be the same again without her. I don't know how to stop feeling like i am a terrible, horrible person for doing this to her. I don't know how to stop feeling like I ended her life, when she may have had more life to live. Even if a few more hours or days. Who am I to decided something like this? I always said i would never put her to sleep. I always thought when the time came she would just pass away in her sleep at home. I can't believe that I failed her. I did the very thing I said I would never do. Worst of all is we weren't sure exactly what she had, just going by what the vets said that whatever it was whether FIP or cancer, nothing could be done. They kept telling me she was suffering a lot, and that putting her to sleep would be the wisest thing to do. I think that's why I didn't say anything to stop it. The way they were looking at me, the things they said. Of course I don't want my baby to suffer. But i wasn't sure that she was suffering. I am absolutely devastated.
I still don't know if it was the right thing to do. No matter how many vets or people tell me it was, there's still a part of me that feels like- what if it wasn't? what if we were wrong. What if there was a chance she could have gotten better? I feel like if it was the right decision maybe i still wouldn't be feeling this way two month later. Maybe I wouldn't feel all this guilt and regret I feel now if I truly knew it was the right thing to do. Maybe I would have gotten some type of sign by now... something, anything to show me we did the right thing.
I think it would have been easier if i truly knew for sure she had cancer or FIP and i truly knew that nothing could be done. But i feel like since I never knew for sure, I will forever live with this pain in my heart and always question and wonder if we made a mistake.

 

[joyfulrose]

Try to focus on the real fact that if you would have had more time with her it would have been for you, for her it would have been more suffering, more pain.......for so many vets to say it was time, it was her time. You are redirecting your grief because you have no answers to your questions. Some things just happen, no one knows why or can explain properly. On the other hand there are also miracles that cannot be explained either.
Your precious girl does not want to be the reason for all this pain. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, so she wants for you. I spent the first two years in exactly the same spot you are now in, and found that going over all these should haves and could haves changes absolutely nothing except to make me absolutely miserable and make her death more important than her life. The time we spent together is the most precious gift I will ever receive. The depth of your grief is measured by how deeply you loved, and sometimes it can drag you into hell if you let it. Love is supposed to bring you happiness, and to truly know love you have to eventually experience grief. Knowing grief does teach us one thing in life, it teaches us to appreciate what we do have, when we have it. To open our hearts more often and quicker, because it is the love and the happiness it brings that counts, that makes life worth living. Not concentrating on the hurt that follows when they leave us. To live day to day, in the moment, not in the past because the past is unchangeable, and the future is not yet ours. It is now, the present that we need to concentrate on, grief can be overcome, one day at a time....
To get through the grief we have to let it remain in the past and rebuild our lives with the help of their love that we will always hold in our hearts. Your little girl gave you one of life's greatest gifts, her love. Try not to repay her with tears and pain, there has been enough of that. But with thankfulness and joy, with letting her know you will take that love and help it to live on through you now, to be added on to and to help it grow. And she will help you if you ask.....

Thank you di and bob your words are always very beautiful and comforting. If she was truly suffering and we had taken her home that night instead, then yes maybe it would have been selfish of me to do that. I loved her soo so much , more than i could ever explain. So It would have been for me, but I also felt like she wanted to be with me. She looked at me and gave me the saddest little meow i have ever heard from her right before the vet came in to give her those last two injections. I felt like she was telling me not to do this, like she knew what was gonna happen and she didnt want me to do this, like she just wanted to go back home with me. She even ate a piece of her favorite treats for me.. and she always refuses to eat or drink anything whenever we are at the vet. What if all of these things were signs that i missed? Signs telling me not to do this? That last day she didnt want to eat much on her own at home so i was syringe feeding her but right before we left to the ER vet that night i tried to give her a plate of food to see if she would eat it on her own and she did, she ate a very good amount. What if that was a sign for me not to take her to the vet that night? I also remember my brother telling me not to take her to the vet that day because if I do i will lose her. But i ignored that too, because in my mind i told myself if i didnt take her to the vet and have them treat this UTI then she would die. I read that if a uti is left untreated they can die in 48-72hrs because the toxins build up inside of them. So i thought i was doing the right thing by taking her to the vet that night. When i was putting her in the carrier...A part of me had a feeling like when the vets saw her they would tell me she was dying. So i was scared to take her that night in fear of what they would say but i knew i had to have them treat this infection.
It was only one vet who told me she recommended euthanasia (and like i sad before in another post, this vet has so many negative one star reviews) the other vet that told me she was dying said that putting her to sleep was a wise decision because she was suffering. A different vet a few days prior told me she didnt think my cat would make it another month, but she never told me to euthanize. But i guess if i really think about it every vet we saw in those last few days all had the same look on their face. Like it was a lost cause or something, i dont know.
I know i shouldn't make her death more important than her life. I know that nothing can be changed no matter what i say or how much i wish for things to be different. I just cant shake this feeling in my heart that i did something horrible to the one cat i loved more than anything. I spent every day almost all day with her for 17 years. She was always by my side, followed me everywhere. She was so loyal to me. She loved me so much, and i loved her even more. It just doesnt feel right without her.
i cried myself to sleep last night remembering how she always use to sleep next to my head or on my arms every night when i went to bed. I just miss her so so much.
I am so thankful and blessed to have had her in my life. She was truly so special and one of the best most greatest things to have ever happened to me. I will forever cherish the memories and love we shared. She will never ever be forgotten

 

[di and bob]

You made no mistake. The sign was there, her small meow was her telling you goodbye, that she needed the suffering to end. my Burt was fine, at sixteen. He then started a downward spiral that happened very fast, his was evident by the mass I could feel in his stomach. By the time that was evident he was too weak to operate on. I promised him no more vet trips, he hated them so much and i wanted his last moments to be at home, surrounded by our love. Believe me, that did not happen, he suffered so much those last hours, and I can tell you, you do not want that for your little girl.
After all those vet visits and what they said, and more importantly what they didn't say, you have to convince yourself that there was no cure, she did not have a future void of pain and suffering, all of her future would be would be one of existing, not really living.
All of us would give ANYTHING to bring our little ones back, to try one more treatment, to live that day over, but deep in our hearts know it is impossible and we have to get through the incredible pain that follows the death of someone we love so much and who we never want to leave us. 20 is equal to 100+ humans age. 17 is a wonderful long life for any cat. You are extremely fortunate to have as long as you did, and believe me, you DID do so much to try to save her, and so much more than most. And she knows that and loves you for it. She is at peace now, and needs to know you will be alright, she is always as near as your thoughts and prayers, talk to her and she will answer.
For now, time is the only thing that helps with sorrow. Eventually you will let rational thought return and accept that there was nothing more to do except to give her one one last gift, the gift of letting her know YOU will be alright, you will let her live on through you. Every time you think of her will bring comfort to a broken heart, eventually, in time. Because the 'essence' of what made her her is spiritual, not physical. That is why the body that is left behind somehow feels different, looks different, feels different. What is there now will always be there. There is no way a love like that can just be gone, disappear. She will continue to follow you around, be there for you, sending you her love and hoping you can find joy in living once more. because that is what love is, but it takes time to come to this, as much time that is as deep as your love for each other, so so much, one day at a time.......
PS you haven't got a sign yet because you are grieving too deep, it will come, and keep coming until you understand what it is. She would never want for you to go through this. My sign was a single distinctive ringed hair on my vanity every morning for a week.Sometimes it can be a feather, sometimes a bird that gets close, the feeling of a warm weight on your leg at night, or in a dream. Ask her and she will answer.....

 

[Diana Faye]

My Irving was solid, never bony, always ate and never had health issues, and was seen by the vet 2 days before his death. They even checked his heart, which was a little fast but probably from stressed. Then all of a sudden, he was gone, most likely from his heart giving out. It's still hard to accept that a seemingly healthy cat could suddenly just be gone. The only thing he had against him was that he was old.

It sounds like your baby was declining. I do think you did the right thing to get several different opinions from vets, who were fairly consistent with what they told you, and that you took into account her quality of life before trying things that could have done more harm than good. I don't think you'd feel better if you had pushed for something that ended up hurting or killing her, or watching her waste away.

My friend's cat also recently passed, and when we were roommates our old guys were friends. His cat did not age well, lost a ton of weight, bathroom problems, etc. But he was eating and acting normal, for the most part, so he let it go. He suspected it was getting close to his time, but because he was so close to the situation and the cat still behaved normally, he waited. He waited until it was all too obvious he was dying, and could not find a vet (rural area on a Sat night and Sunday means you're screwed). He lingered for over 24 hrs before passing away Monday morning, the earliest he could get him to a vet. It was torture for him.

I think the hardest part, at least for me, was the refusal to even consider that they could be gone so soon. I knew it would destroy me, but I never suspected it to have happened so soon, and without warning. I am probably lucky in a sense, that I did not have to make the choice that you had to, and I did not have to watch him waste away. But it doesn't take away the hurt or the constant barrage of what ifs and feeling like your actions are never enough.

Try to forgive yourself. You are not a professional- you had to base your decision off what the vet was telling you. And you went to several vets. You did your best to be an informed owner to try understand what meds/ food might be helpful or harmful. You kept her as comfortable as you could, and loved her with all of your heart.

 

[joyfulrose]

I've been meaning to come on here and post but I have been having such a hard time lately.
It's been 3 months and one week now since I lost my beautiful Rosie. It's really hitting me hard tonight & I still cry a lot. The pain in my heart is still there.. I wonder if it will ever get easier? I know they say time heals but I honestly don't think any amount of time will help my aching heart or make any of this better. I would give anything to go back in time, I think I would have done things differently. For a while none of this even felt real, I felt like she was at the vets and they were helping her get better and she'd be right back in my arms again soon. Even though I knew they put her to sleep right in front of my eyes(hardest thing i ever had to go through) I think my heart just doesn't want to accept that she is gone. I didn't want to believe this was reality. What I would give for one more night with her.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I see her face and the tears pour out. She was the best part of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my everything. I feel like no matter how much I try to explain how much she meant to me to the people around me, they will never truly understand. I can't talk about what I am feeling to them anymore because it only upsets them. They don't understand how I am still talking about her and crying about her after 3 months. They think I should have gotten over it by now, but the truth is I haven't and I fear maybe I never will. I don't know how to? I loved her with my entire heart and I don't think I have been the same since losing her. I feel like a part of me died with her. All i ever wanted was to give her my love and my cuddles and keep her safe, happy, and healthy. I'm so sorry to her for letting her down. I'm sorry I couldn't make this better. I'm sorry that I took her to those vets and that they couldn't help. I wish I had researched about them before taking her. I am just so sorry. I miss her soo so much.
I keep telling myself that if 3 vets told me it could be FIP and 2 said cancer... then maybe I should trust that it is possible that is truly what she had. But they never did testing to confirm and that's why it's so difficult for me to believe. All i know almost for certain was she had pancreatitis based on the blood test two weeks before she passed. But I wish there was a way to know for sure if that is what caused all of this but I know I may never know all the answers and I will have to learn to live with that.
I've been looking at her pictures from the night of her last day at the vets( my mom wanted to take pics so we can have some memory of her last day ), right before the vet came in to give her the injections.. There was something I noticed... In the photos before the vet came in she looked much better... almost like her normal self. But the photos after the vet took her to the back to put in the catheter and then brought her back into the room, those photos are much worse than the ones a few mins before. In the photos after the vet brought her back into the room her eyes were sunken, ears back, she looked so sad and miserable. Now that I am thinking more clearly, I wonder if something happened or if they gave her a sedative or something in the back before bringing her back in to give her those last 2 injections. In the moment when I looked at her I thought it was cause she was dying. But what if it wasn't? What if she looked that way because of what happened when the vet took her in the back before bringing her back in the room to put her to sleep. Something must have happened for her to appearance to change so much like that. I am so sad I just want my baby back I'm really sorry if this is a mess and all over the place I just needed to get it all out. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

 

[Furballsmom]

if they gave her a sedative

They may have.

Maybe there is something here for you.
When The Moment Has Passed. Why We Grieve So Intensely.

These links below provide phone numbers by state, hopefully they are still active numbers. I've seen that the ASPCA has a grief hotline but I'm not sure that is still active.

Pet Loss Grief Support Hot Lines, Helplines and Groups

Pet Loss Hotlines

 

[joyfulrose]

They may have.

Maybe there is something here for you.
When The Moment Has Passed. Why We Grieve So Intensely.

These links below provide phone numbers by state, hopefully they are still active numbers. I've seen that the ASPCA has a grief hotline but I'm not sure that is still active.

Pet Loss Grief Support Hot Lines, Helplines and Groups

Pet Loss Hotlines

Thank you for replying and for the links. I really appreciate it.