Missing My Pretty Girl So Soo Much... :(

rosegold

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Feb 1, 2018
Messages
941
Reaction score
4,018
Today makes 4 months since I lost my beautiful Rosie.
4 very long, sad, hard months without my baby.
I miss her so so so much :(
I’m so sorry. Beautiful Rosie. Today is the 4 month anniversary of losing Chai too and it has been a very hard day. Hugs to you :hearthrob:
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
10,258
Reaction score
11,520
Location
Nebraska, USA
I'm so sorry for your pain..... words can never take it away, but it helps to know you are held in the thoughts and prayers of many who have stood there before you......
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #83

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
Thank you rosegold rosegold , Sorry it took me a while to reply. I've been meaning to do so sooner but I couldn't bring myself to, I had to take a couple days away. I'm very very sorry about Chai, she was an amazing & beautiful kitty. I hope as time goes by you begin to heal and the days become a little bit easier for you.

I have been trying to keep really busy and i was doing ok for a few days, as ok as I could be. But tonight I just broke down and started crying. I miss her so much.
I'm sure you're all sick of me by now, so you can ignore this. I just find it helps a little when I write about it..
I still can't believe my baby is gone and that it's been a little over 4 months now. :(
I tried to reach out to some vets who specialize in feline health to ask for their opinion on what they think she might have had(i wanted to see if they agree with the FIP or Cancer diagnosis the vets we had seen suspected) I offered to send them copies of all the blood work and testing, but 2 of the vets I emailed wanted around $200 for their interpretation of the blood work results and a few others declined to give their opinion unfortunately. It seems as if I will never get the closure I need, and I have mostly accepted that now.
Up until now I have only posted photos of her at her best. When I look at the photos of her in the last day and a few days before... she looked so different. I feel like if I were to show them to someone, they would probably tell me that we made the right decision (even though at times i still wonder if that's true) She just didn't look like herself, she looked so bony, so sad and so weak. When they brought her back out to me after they examined her that night in the ER they told me she couldn't stand. She just laid there on her stomach with her arms straight out in front of her and her head down. It broke my heart in a million pieces seeing her that way. :(
I feel so empty without her, she really took a piece of my heart with her when she left me.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #84

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
I'm so sorry for your pain..... words can never take it away, but it helps to know you are held in the thoughts and prayers of many who have stood there before you......
Thank you di and bob di and bob I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers so much :hearthrob:
 

Furballsmom

Cat Fan especially Black Cats
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
22,958
Reaction score
30,793
Location
Colorado USA
I just find it helps a little when I write about it..
This is what matters, and if we can help with that, then by all means avail yourself of the thread and please don't feel badly or odd, or shy about doing so. It takes however long it takes. Every person is different, every situation is different, and there's no timeline. :redheartpump: :hugs:
 

Antonio65

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 27, 2017
Messages
3,355
Reaction score
5,066
Location
Orbassano - Italy
I'm sure you're all sick of me by now, so you can ignore this. I just find it helps a little when I write about it..
How could we be sick of reading your words of pain and sorrow?
How could we ignore you and your posts and still feeling right with our conscience?

There are days when we all need to write something, just to let some pain out, not to burst.
We are here for you and everybody else!

I'm sorry you still feel sad, I know what that menas, because I'm feeling that way after 2 years, and just like you I fear I will never find a closure to my grief.

Take care of yourself.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #88

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
This is what matters, and if we can help with that, then by all means avail yourself of the thread and please don't feel badly or odd, or shy about doing so. It takes however long it takes. Every person is different, every situation is different, and there's no timeline. :redheartpump: :hugs:
Thank you for saying that. :hearthrob:
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #89

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
How could we be sick of reading your words of pain and sorrow?
How could we ignore you and your posts and still feeling right with our conscience?

There are days when we all need to write something, just to let some pain out, not to burst.
We are here for you and everybody else!

I'm sorry you still feel sad, I know what that menas, because I'm feeling that way after 2 years, and just like you I fear I will never find a closure to my grief.

Take care of yourself.
Thank you Antonio65 Antonio65 . I'm sorry that after 2 years you are still feeling sad too. I feel like no matter how long it's been there will always be a sadness and emptiness that we feel. I often ask myself when will it get easier? When will I feel okay again? When will I be alright with her not being in my life anymore? Cause it feels like never at times. i hope as time goes on you find happiness and get some closure. Take care.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #91

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
Today has been a really hard day. Everything around me is falling apart.. It's days like this when I'm reminded that Rosie was my true happiness in this world. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. The best part of my days. I loved her and cared for her with every bit of my heart, and I know she loved me too, so so much. She wasn't only the best kitty I ever had in the world, but she was like my best friend. I wish she didn't have to leave me. I wish I never had to make that terrible difficult decision. I wish things could have been different. More than anything, I wish she was here by my side. I wish I could cuddle her and kiss her beautiful lil face again. I wish I could give her her favorite treats and rub her belly again. I wish I could tell her how much I love her one last time. I just miss her so much. My life feels empty without her. This pain in my heart will never leave. :(

 

Antonio65

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 27, 2017
Messages
3,355
Reaction score
5,066
Location
Orbassano - Italy
I know what your pain means and feels in your heart, your words left no doubts about it and it seems those words were written by me, because there are days when I feel so bad. The world is empty and sad without my girls, and though it's been a long time ago (Lola, 25 months ago; Pallina 9 months ago), I can't get rid of this feeling.

I don't know if we (me, you and people like us) are unlucky not to get over this like others do, or if we're lucky to have had such a deep bond with our cats that even time cannot break it.

Take care :hugs:
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
10,258
Reaction score
11,520
Location
Nebraska, USA
You will feel like this at times, it's like a rollarcoaster., but it never ends. Time is the only thing that helps, allow yourself time..... You can't escape those feelings because they are real. A part of you has been taken from you. But just as real, and much more stronger, are your feelings for that little girl. Your love for each other will be as strong in the future as it was in the years past.
There is no way to change the past. Because Rosie is now also a part of that past you wouldn't want to anyway. We don't get to pick and choose what events and parts we want to keep, but we CAN pick and choose which parts we want to treasure, to bring with us into the future, which parts will rule our lives. Let the bad memories fade, don't bring them up to the front, in this way you keep them alive, and then they have the ability to hurt all over. Instead concentrate on your sweet girl, not the sad end, but as she was when you were happy. How much she loved life and wants to know that you will be OK, that she lives on through you now and wants you to know happiness and joy once more, things that will bring her peace. Don't let death kill your own happiness, it has done enough. None of us are immortal, none of us are perfect. But you have experienced something totally unique, something none of us will ever know, the love of that little girl, Rosie. And that is something that you will never lose, it is yours forever. Treasure this gift she leaves you and know she will always be a very part of your soul......
 

rosegold

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Feb 1, 2018
Messages
941
Reaction score
4,018
I’m so sorry. It’s so heartbreaking and there really aren’t any words to make it better. :( I wish she was still with you, too.

What a beautiful picture of her though. She is exquisite, and her unique and lovely self is painted so beautifully through the way you talk about her! You have a very special angel looking out for you.

Everything you’re feeling is valid. I hope you can be kind to yourself and treat yourself gently and with compassion, just like sweet Rosie would do. It’s so hard. :(
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #95

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
I can't believe it's been 5 months and one week since I lost my beautiful Rosie. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her or think about her or cry about her.

I have some thoughts I need to get out about what I think may have happened with my baby. I'll never know for sure if my thoughts are right, but it's how I feel. (you guys can ignore this if you want, it's mostly for me to get out my feelings)

Today I took one of my other cats (Tipps) to the vet, she has been vomiting daily for a little over a week. Oddly enough she actually stopped vomiting today, the day I went to take her to get checked out. Anyway, the vet said everything looked fine with tipps and he thinks she may have just had an upset tummy. While I was there I thought I would ask the Vet his opinion about Rosie and what he thinks she may have had or what may have happened.

I showed him pics/videos of Rosie, along with all the blood work results and told him as much information as I could about her and how she was most days so he could get a pretty good understanding. He told me that he agreed with what all of the other vets had told me, in his opinion he thinks Rosie had either cancer or FIP (leaning more towards cancer) He did say whatever she had, it was really bad based on everything i told him, all the blood work results, and the pics/videos i showed him. He said FIP is still also a possibility, but he told me they don't see it often in older cats but Rosie did test positive for coronavirus and had a lot of the symptoms of wet fip so there was a chance she could have had fip. He also believed she had renal failure as well, even though her latest bloodwork did not show that, it showed her bun and creatine levels were normal. But he believed they were not. ( i think the reason her kidney levels may have looked normal on that blood work result was because 5 days prior to getting the blood test done Rosie had been eating nothing but the HILLS K/D food, maybe it helped her levels go back down to normal so it didn't show on the lab results?)
He told me not to feel bad about having her put to sleep (i never ever wanted to do that it was never even my choice and i have felt so guilty ever since) he said we absolutely made the right decision. He said Rosie looked very weak and very sick and she probably was not happy. Whether it was cancer or fip, she had something really bad and there was no chance anything could have been done with out expository surgery which she would not have been able to undergo. She was anemic, weak, very very dehydrated, her abdomen was full of fluid, no matter how much she ate she never seemed to absorb any protein or nutrients or put on any weight, she lost so much muscle mass all over her body(he thinks something was eating away at her) her kidney's were failing, she probably also had pancreatitis, I remember she also had trouble swallowing 2 weeks before she passed, and she stopped meowing almost completely. There was just so much going on. My poor sweet beautiful baby, my heart hurts :(

One thing he did mention to me though, that has me feeling absolutely terrible is that if a cat has kidney issues or renal failure it's not a good idea to give her medications or antibiotics. I keep thinking about how Rosie seemed pretty okay before taking the antibiotics. Yes, she was still not eating very well, still not gaining any weight, still really bony and she probably did have something else really horrible going on.. But the fluid that accumulated in her abdomen only happened shortly after she began taking the antibiotics. She seemed fine at first while on the amoxi drops, and her appetite started to improve but after a few days was when I noticed her abdomen was swollen. Then when she finished the antibiotics about a week and half later is when she had trouble urinating and defecating, and she just became weaker and weaker, started losing her balance, and then could no longer stand.

I keep wondering what if the antibiotics somehow led to her rapid decline? What if she truly was in renal failure and they should have never even been given to her in the first place? I remember they prescribed her 0.7ml 2 times a day for 7 days(I feel so bad because when the vet told me her labwork showed she has some sort of infection I was the one who asked him if she would need antibiotics- the vet agreed and actually wanted to give her 2 rounds and monitor her but she was only able to take one round before passing :() Maybe she should have never taken them at all.

Or maybe it was all just some huge coincidence (one of the vets we saw told me this, she said that whatever was going on just happened to show up the same time she started the antibiotics but that the antibiotics were not what caused all this. She was the one who told me she was "confident Rosie had wet FIP") I don't know and I will probably never know. But these are my thoughts today. It's just so sad that it had to be this way. I miss her so sooo very much :(
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
10,258
Reaction score
11,520
Location
Nebraska, USA
You'll never know for sure...... and our minds always come up with all those should haves, could haves that change absolutely nothing. Your sweet girl was horribly sick, I wish I could take all this pain away. Please don't make her death take over your life, her life with you was so much more important. She would be the last one to want for you to be going through all this.
You need to feel better about yourself, make a small donation to your local shelter in her name, it truly helps to know you may be saving a life. I pay the adoption fees for the cat that has been there the longest. It helps to know that little one may have a home at last.
 

rosegold

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Feb 1, 2018
Messages
941
Reaction score
4,018
I know the feeling, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that pain. You may never know exactly what happened (or what could’ve happened). But try to give yourself grace. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had, and even though that feels like not enough, it really is all we can do. And it is all done out of love. :hearthrob:
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #98

joyfulrose

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2018
Messages
169
Reaction score
205
Thank you di and bob di and bob and rosegold rosegold :redheartpump:

I just wish I knew how to stop feeling terrible about it all. I know there were so many signs, so many things that should have made it clear that she must of had something really bad going on, but for some reason i just can't bring myself to believe it. I guess it's because I never wanted to lose her. Maybe i tricked myself into believing it wasn't as bad as it seemed. I kept thinking that whatever this was I could get her through it, I could help her, I could make her better again. I truly believed i could. I kept telling myself if only i just got her to eat more and tried harder she would get the strength to fight this and she would get better.
I just don't know how to stop feeling like a horrible person for letting the vets convince us to put her to sleep, when that was not what i had take her to the ER for in the first place. And it was not what I ever wanted. No matter how many vets have told me that they suspected she had cancer or FIP, I can't bring myself to believe it because we never did further testing to be sure. I know she had many of the signs and symptoms for both of those illnesses but still, I was never able to make 100% sure that was the case before they put my sweet beautiful baby to sleep. They kept telling me she was suffering a lot and I of course i didn't want her to suffer. It would break my heart seeing her sitting hunched up and looking like she's in pain. I never wanted my baby to feel any pain but at the same time I wish she was still with me. I never wanted to be the one to allow them to end my baby's life. I always felt like it shouldn't be our choice. And the saddest part was i was the one who allowed it to happen in the end. I keep remembering the words of the vets those last two nights and how they refused to even do testing because they felt even if we did they could not help her. I still wish i would have done it anyway, or maybe gone home instead and even if she truly was dying as they told me, i wish it would have been at home with me where she felt happiest and safest.. i feel like that was what she would have wanted and I took that away from her because I listened to the vets advice :(
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
10,258
Reaction score
11,520
Location
Nebraska, USA
Getting through this horrible time is a process. There are ALWAYS all those should haves,could haves, to go through. My sweet Burt died at home, and I will always wish I had taken him in, he suffered and I am to blame. I, too. wanted him at home where he was the happiest and safest......and he suffered.....
Right now you have to believe those vets, She was suffering and you couldn't let that happen. They have been there countless times before. When our minds are shattered like they are at times like this, no matter which way we choose it is the wrong one.
If you allow yourself, you know in your heart that your precious girl was suffering from something that could not be cured. You might have bought her a few more months with treatments that are often just prolonging the inevitable and bringing more pain, and nothing is gauranteed. This would have been for yourself, not for her.
Don't dwell on that which can't be changed. Instead, concentrate on her life, that was so much more important and precious. Celebrate having her in your own life, that you got to know her, love her. There was a reason for her to be there, to bring you love and joy. She did well, don't let the grief turn this beautiful relationship into something dark and pain ridden. She would never want that. For now, know you are not alone. There are countless others suffering just as you are, they are legion. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, please come here anytime you need a shoulder to cry on. there IS a light at teh end of the tunnel of grief. It takes a long time and work to get there. With the help of others who have walked that path, it is a burden shared. It takes time, a lot of it, one day at a time...........
 

zed xyzed

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 10, 2015
Messages
3,598
Reaction score
2,721
Location
Toronto Canada
I can't tell you how sorry I am, Your Rosie was a beautiful girl, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you made the call based on her not suffering you sacrificed your everything to make sure she didn't suffer; and that is the most selfless act one could ever make. Rosie knew you loved her, your bond with her will be with you forever, nothing will ever break it and nothing will ever take away the beautiful memories of your sweet girl.
 
Top