Artie.....part 1

[artiemom]

It has been 3 months since Artie left me on May 23, 2018... .. I have been fiercely missing him for 2 weeks now.. I mean it.. The unconditional love, the companionship, the laughter, the cuddles, the talks--- the laughs... yes, even the medicating.. I miss him so much.. He took up so much of my world. Try as hard as I am; yet, I cannot avoid missing him..

The emptiness is really overwhelming, right now..

I am volunteering at the local Humane Society; however, it is not working out for me...

I thought, wrongly, that perhaps because I have experienced so my with my Beloved, that I would be a good person to look for hidden medical issues, and to notice and help advise on stuff...
Alas, I guess I have been too vocal... I have been told, very nicely, to stop commenting and insisting on a certain course of action..

I have a medical background; learned a ton about medicine from my professions, taking care of both my parents, and taking care of Artie... yet, the humane society is ignoring my suggestions.. I just do not want to see the kitties miss needed medical care, or get it when it is too late... They are of the mind that less is better... I am not.. I am more aggressive with medical care... There is the issue...

I have seen, first hand, how taking a 'less is better' mode, does not always work...sigh..especially when it has come to things I have dealt with personally..

I guess I am projecting my fears, onto the adoptable cats... but, seriously... I feel for them..

I think it is because I do not have a kitty of my own to love.. I miss Artie so much...

Artie:
My love who greeted me when, at the door, when I came home with a "Bruup"..
Artie:
Who was on my lap every single night, from the day I adopted him... never leaving me...

Who knew what the words, "Uppy, Up, Up" meant...
Who knew exactly when I was going to bed.. All I had to do was say, Uppy. He would jump down, walk directly into my bedroom, sit and wait for me to get settled in bed, then jump on the bed, to cuddle, right up against me...

Artie: who knew the words, "Num-Num"~~ came running when I said that..
Who would actually have a conversation with me..
He also knew the words, Out, Nite Nite, NO..

Artie; who knew how to play Hide & Seek behind the furniture.. Who loved running after a ball...
Who had the zoomies, going from one bedroom to the other, at top speed....

Artie: Who told me when he needed to poop.. He waited for me, in the bathroom where he is litter box was.. Who took me to his litter box, when he needed to poop. He allowed me to wipe his bum.. He waited... and if I was not aware of his pooping, he let me know---after the fact, by sitting next to me and staring at me..

Artie, who told me when he had used the litter box~~ he wanted it clean...

My sweet boy, who was a horror initially, to trim his nails, and to give medicine too, but then began to trust me.. and allow me to do so...

Artie, my boy, who also started out disliking to be brush, but grew to love it.. all I would have to say was, "Want to be brushed? Brush-brush? Brushey?" and he went running and jumping on his cat tree where he got brushed.. while looking out the window at the trees, birds, just lying in the sun...

Oh how he loved his "tents".... His quilt tent was his favorite...He was always there.. when he got too hot, he came out and lied on top of the quilt...

Artie who hated riding in the car-- who knew that meant a Vet appointment.. He cried the entire time.. He adjusted to getting into the carrier.. Who seemed to love Classical Music... I cannot listen to it anymore.... It reminds me too much of Artie...

Artie, my love... You came to me at one of my darkest moments... 3 months after my Dad died.. You loved me from Day One.. I will never forget that first night, when you just came over, jumped on my lap, started purring and kneading.. It was Love, from that moment on.......
for 6 short years.... I wish it was so much longer..

Artie, I tried.. I did my best.. I really did... I did as much s I could, to make you comfortable and feel love, your entire life.... I hope I did not fail you or give you another chance.. but you were so sick..and Specialist and I were at a loss at what to do... I ran all over the place trying to find food for you..food you could eat.. food which would help you.. medicine which would help you.. price was no object to me... If only I could have more time with you.. I miss you so much.. I miss my love...

Did I torture you with Vet visits??? Did I jump into seeing Vets for things I should have managed on my own.. I will never know the answer to this...sometime I feel as if I failed you.. as if I began your downward spiral, by running to the Vet... and not letting you be.. for a bit..
But, I loved you-- so much.. You were my buddy.. my love.. You so freely gave me your love--fully, and so unconditional.. without reservations..

You made me laugh so much at you antics.. All of them--even when you jumped onto the kitchen counter---shaking the dishes in the dish drainer, then onto the top of the refrigerator, and then onto the top of the cabinets... OMG... I laughed, but had to shoo you down...

How afraid of any brooms or mops; you were.. I think you were trained with a broom...forget the vacuum... You were automatically either under my bed or in the corner of my bedroom, each time the "monster" came out....

How you loved to go outside on the balcony, with me... You loved sunning yourself...You were so smart.. You learned so fast...You loved fresh air...and sun...

Artie: How good you were, when I accidentally locked you in the storeroom for over 10 hours!! You snuck in there when my back was turned and I was getting a water bottle out, to take to work... You were awesome.. All that time, You did not poop, you did not pee, You did not destroy anything in there... You had to be so scared...so starving and in need of your litter box...
Yes, you sassed me out when I found you... You yelled at me for so long, as you ran into your box... You were mad at me for so long.. you gave me a very long piece of your mind...
Such a clean boy... no mess at all...
And then, You were on my lap that night.. all was forgiven..
Your love was boundless.. borderless, all lasting...

When I was feeling sick..when I broke my arm, You NEVER left my side.. You were always with me, when I was living in my dad's lift chair.....

On my lap, in bed--cuddling with me.. Even when I was lying on my side, on the couch, You managed to somehow, find, someway, to lie down on the SIDE of my body... You had to be with me~~~ giving me strength and love to get better...such a good cat.. You knew me, better than I knew myself..
When You started leaving my side, I knew I was improving.. Yes, you knew...how? I will never know...

And even that last day of your life: You allowed me to help you poop. You allowed me to help pull out the unproduced poop...half in and half out.. such a love..

And when you were in pain, You automatically ran into my bedroom to cry for help; not your room, but MY bedroom... as if that was a "special" room for you... OMG...

Omg that last day.. I will never forget... You were suffering.. You could not have any bowel movements, despite all the medications we tried and all the enemas I had to make you go through...all the emergency visits... OMG.. I tried...
You were crying, in my bedroom....It was so heartbreaking..I was a wreck... I really was.. I nw what I had to do... and the Specialist was agreeing.. we had reached our limits..

I hope you understand and forgive me...

I remember how I gave you, your favorite food: FF Salmon.., You scoffed that can down in no time... You were so happy.. yet you could not poop... you kept trying, kept getting cramps..to no avail.. You broke my heart..

You were so good for that final Vet visit.. Yes, you were so, so vocal in the car... I tried to comfort you.. but to now avail...

You were in my arms when you left me... I will never forget it... I loved you with all my heart and soul... You are my soul-cat.. You are my buddy... there will never be another cat like you.. I swear you were part human.. You understood me, so well... better than any humans could; except for my Dad...

I am keeping myself busy--daily.. I have a professional to talk to.. I do get out every day...

I had to get rid of your things.. so many memories.. I donated about 99% of them.. I could not believe I bought you so many things...but you would have been happy with the simplest of toys.. I did spoil you... But it was out of love.. I really hope you understand that...

I will be missing you every day of my life... I hope I made you happy with the short time we shared.... I love you... I am sending you so many kisses and hugs...I miss you...I honestly did my best with you.. I hope you are ok with that.. I hope I did not make things worse, or made you go though all the horrors.. I am so sorry ... I did it out of love,, but perhaps not out of wisdom.. I learned so much from you... love--unconditional love.. Yes, it is real.. You bae it to me.. You taught me.. I miss you and it... Thank You, Artie... for being my love...

I do not know if this will be the end.. or if I can find another little one to help me fill the vast emptiness in my life.. I only know that I love you. Our love will never end...

Thank you, my love...

Artie, I love you.. and always will.. Please forgive me all the tortures I made you endure...

Love,
Me...

 

[Furballsmom]

I, too, had to divest myself of things that belonged to our Maine Coon. The memories were mostly good, but rough to deal with.

 

[artiemom]

I just miss him so much..

 

[artiemom]

Perhaps, I should bite the bullet and try to find a kitty; somewhere else....

So, so, so confused............

Artie~~Please help me...

Daddy, Please help me...

 

[di and bob]

I cried through your tribute to that precious boy because it describes a relationship that so many of us have had, and lost. Don't think we would ever stop you from coming here and reminiscing about your love and your beautiful Artie. If you can't come and share here, where else can you go? It takes a weight off your shoulders to share the burden of grief. We have all been there, we have all suffered just as you are doing and it helps tremendously to talk to people whom understand what it is like to miss a little one so terribly much.
Don't ever stop trying to help those precious little ones either. With your knowledge and medical experience you should be a treasure to have around the cats you love so much. Don't let them make you complacent like they are. your knowledge needs to be put to use. Why don't you go into fostering? Or better yet, check into grants and scholarships, I paid my way through RN school with those. You could open your own practice and be your own boss, you would be wonderful. If that is not possible you might want to look around, I'm sure a vet or a shelter would love to have you and your expertise, the one you are at can't be the only one. A vets office would not be so concerned with cost and saving money, they are seeing those in need, they want to save lives.
You need another baby to love. Artie would be so proud,,,,you have so much love to offer and you need to experience all the wonderful things a new baby could give back to you. You will never replace Artie's love, you would add to it. Each love is irreplaceable and unique. Loving him has shown you what a love can bring to your life. You miss that, and it could be yours again if you let it be so. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers and only wish the best for you in the future. I wish you all the luck in the world at your job, they don't appreciate what they have. And keep your eye out, a little one may steal your heart before you know it, and I for one would not be happier!

 

[Bella's Mommy]

I'm sorry for your loss i'm sure you'll find another furbaby someday

 

[artiemom]

I cried through your tribute to that precious boy because it describes a relationship that so many of us have had, and lost. Don't think we would ever stop you from coming here and reminiscing about your love and your beautiful Artie. If you can't come and share here, where else can you go? It takes a weight off your shoulders to share the burden of grief. We have all been there, we have all suffered just as you are doing and it helps tremendously to talk to people whom understand what it is like to miss a little one so terribly much.
Don't ever stop trying to help those precious little ones either. With your knowledge and medical experience you should be a treasure to have around the cats you love so much. Don't let them make you complacent like they are. your knowledge needs to be put to use. Why don't you go into fostering? Or better yet, check into grants and scholarships, I paid my way through RN school with those. You could open your own practice and be your own boss, you would be wonderful. If that is not possible you might want to look around, I'm sure a vet or a shelter would love to have you and your expertise, the one you are at can't be the only one. A vets office would not be so concerned with cost and saving money, they are seeing those in need, they want to save lives.
You need another baby to love. Artie would be so proud,,,,you have so much love to offer and you need to experience all the wonderful things a new baby could give back to you. You will never replace Artie's love, you would add to it. Each love is irreplaceable and unique. Loving him has shown you what a love can bring to your life. You miss that, and it could be yours again if you let it be so. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers and only wish the best for you in the future. I wish you all the luck in the world at your job, they don't appreciate what they have. And keep your eye out, a little one may steal your heart before you know it, and I for one would not be happier!

Thank You... I mean it...
I wrote what seemed to be festering in my heart...

I would foster.. however, the issues of my apartment renovations~~ beginning September 17, ad impending Dental Surgery on Sept 24, are really putting a stop to any ideas of adopting, until October...

I miss having a kitty in my life... I really do...
I seem to very easily bond/fall in love with a new cat, each week...

I need to get the under control... seems as of my knowledge and experience is not of any help with the humane society...
Kind of like; I am threatening to the establishment... sigh...

I just want a kitty to love, at home... where I can do as what is necessary.. from a veterinary point of view...without restrictions, or having someone looking over my shoulder...

Unfortunately, I have amassed the appropriate and knowledgeable resources to help me...

It just does not seem to be appreciated by the humane society... it is as if I am going Against the flow..... sigh....

Aren't we all thinking of the welfare of the kitties??? anyway...

I am just going against an established person who has promoted herself aSa the ultimate authority on cat issues... sigh....
and it is impossible to go against her...she is not-medical, is an all or none person, a control freak.. and never admits to being wrong.. sigh...

Yes, I am part of that control freak idea, but I have been through more recent issues that her... sigh...

thank you for understanding...I am just venting out, at this point...

 

[katlady-18]

It's unfortunate that the Humane Society doesn't see your input as an asset. They're lucky to have someone with your experience and knowledge around. Sometimes even vets will dismiss the concerns of pet parents and not discover an issue until it becomes a serious problem.

I hope someday you'll be able to foster or adopt another furry baby of your own, if it's right for you.

 

[LisaT.]

Artie was such a good boy. I really feel for you, Cindy. Your tribute made me cry - it is beautiful! This may sound weird since obviously I've never met him, but, I miss him too. I loved reading about him, and I hated seeing that he was going downhill. Anyone who was following your thread knew about your special, strong, loving bond with Artie, and it broke my heart for you that you lost him.

I love his pictures!! He was a little doll!

My wish for you is to get a new baby, so you can give all that love you have to another kitty who needs it. Not to influence your decision, but the black kitties are the most passed by in the shelters.

I'm so surprised that the Humane Society doesn't appreciate your suggestions. I guess it's all about the money and that really sucks!!

 

[mazie]

Honestly, I think you are overthinking this. It has been my experience that if we just let life happen sometimes, go with the flow, we will not miss the right opportunity to take hold of and grab those opportunities when they finally do show themselves to us, you will just know. When the time is right in your personal life, I know in my heart THAT certain kitty out there meant to be yours will cross your path artiemom, and when that moment comes, you will just know the time is now and meant to be.

 

[Antonio65]

Did I torture you with Vet visits??? Did I jump into seeing Vets for things I should have managed on my own.. I will never know the answer to this...sometime I feel as if I failed you.. as if I began your downward spiral, by running to the Vet... and not letting you be.. for a bit..

This passage hurts me a lot, because it is like seeing me doing the same with my cats.
I wonder if I tortured them. You wonder if you tortured Artie.
Probably yes, we did, but it was done in good faith, out of love and not out of pleasure. It was our way to show them that we weren't ready to let them go. They know this, and have forgiven us , and love us anyway.
They knew we are humans, we are fallible, and still they love us and forgive us. They had a great heart and accepted our errors.

How I love to see Artie's photos. That cute face, he was so handsome. I had told you before, I would never get tired to see him.

So bad that the Humane Society didn't treasure your experience. They lost a chance to do what they are meant for, doing the best for those pets in need. I hope your deep knowledge can be appreciated somewhere else.

Hugs!

 

[foxden]

artiemom

Artie knows just how much you loved him. He held on to life so long to be with you. You cared so much, and he stayed with you as long as he could.

I also experienced a shelter leader who felt threatened by advice from a volunteer. That shelter told me and other volunteers not to return.
Cindy, you have so much to offer. You can still volunteer, just work at the off-site adoption center so you are away from that negativity. You could also look for a different organization where you will feel more appreciated.

Keep your heart open to another love. Artie will let you know when the right kitty comes along.
I understand not fostering or adopting until after the renovation is finished. Do you know when that is supposed to start? You could take a short-term foster to cherish. You could help a kitten who needs extra loving for a few weeks to make it more adoptable.

Please know Artie loves you. He took a piece of your heart with him. A new kitty could never replace Artie, but will help you fill the rest of your heart with love.

We are with you. Our hearts hurt with you. Our thoughts are with you.
Hang in there until your next kitty finds you.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Darlin, you come here and post about Artie as often as you want or need to do so. You are not "monopolizing" anything or anyone. We were all so invested in Artie, and hearing you talk about him is a blessing to us, although we weep with your pain.

Rest you gentle, Beloved Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on so many hearts forever...Your human's first and foremost, but on so many others, as well. Dance on starlight, Beloved Friend. Someday, I shall have the joy of meeting you face to face, and shall scritch your ears with great pleasure!

 

[1 bruce 1]

I can't say anything new to what the others have said, but I'm just so sorry you're having such a rough time.
We miss them so much, but it seems like once the shock of their loss sets in, we grieve and we grieve hard. Doesn't matter if it's a human or pet, grief is grief and it hurts, but it's good. It's healthy.
It's interesting you've noticed the last 2 weeks have been so hard. It seems like once that initial shock wears off, we accept it, and try to move on, and for a few weeks or months we're ok and then it hits us all over again.
I've had this happen. A pet dies and we're so sad and miss them badly (one dog I lost, once he was buried, I honestly thought I was having a mild heart attack.)
I was still sad and still missed him, but moved on but a few months after that it all came back like a bag of cement bricks to my gut.
I wish I had more to add and better thoughts but a lot of members here have said it all.
As hard as it was typing out some of the cute things he did, and how he knew certain words and always greeted you was, maybe print this out or write it down and keep it. Remind yourself that you're doing a good thing for him by not reducing his life to nothing but his death. It's easy to get wrapped up in the last few days/weeks/months, but remembering their life when they were happy (because of you) is so important.
Artie loved you then, he loves you now, he always has and always will.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Darlin, you come here and post about Artie as often as you want or need to do so. You are not "monopolizing" anything or anyone. We were all so invested in Artie, and hearing you talk about him is a blessing to us, although we weep with your pain.

Rest you gentle, Beloved Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on so many hearts forever...Your human's first and foremost, but on so many others, as well. Dance on starlight, Beloved Friend. Someday, I shall have the joy of meeting you face to face, and shall scritch your ears with great pleasure!

Nope, I never get tired of hearing about how much someone loves their cat/dog/horse/human friend/family whom has passed! I think the human race would be less snitty and less angry over all if people felt able to share and people were receptive. This is why I like this community so much. No fear of anyone thinking or saying anything negative when it comes to stuff like this because we all seem to feel the same.

 

[Antonio65]

Remind yourself that you're doing a good thing for him by not reducing his life to nothing but his death.

WOW!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

WOW!

That is...profound. And something I shall remember always.

 

[PMousse]

As much as it hurt to read your pain, artiemom , it's also so beautiful to read how lovely and deep your bond with Artie is, and that is precious. He was so smart, and also had changed so much thanks to your endless patience with him. He couldn't have asked for a better mom than you! I hope it helped to write about the memories, and that in time, thinking back to these memories will leave your heart with more love than pain...

I think it's great that you're using your knowledge and experience to help other kitties, and I really hope that someone at the shelter will listen and heed your advice...please don't stop doing that when you feel strongly about a course of action for a particular kitty; you never know who will listen.

I don't know when it's the right time to adopt again...maybe you'll know when that time comes? But in the meantime, maybe consider fostering on a short-term basis? Maybe that will help fill some of the emptiness, and Artie will be glad to see that you are giving your love to some of his fur friends who really need it.

 

[artiemom]

ARTIE:

I have not written for a while.. I have not forgotten Artie.. not for one minute...

Today is exactly 5 months since I last had my love to hold.. caress, kiss, hug, talk to...

I miss my guy so much..

I have been much better. I really have been.. .. I still do not have a kitty. I do not know if I ever will, again..

I have been lived through all the upheaval of the apartment renovations.. yet, I cannot seem to find the right kitty.. All the ones we have at the shelter seem to be really sick, or really old.. while I fall in love with them, all of them.. especially the sickest and oldest; I do not know if I have the emotional strength to deal with another really sick cat.. even as a foster.. and I do not know if they would approve of me as a foster; after a conversation I had with someone high up in the shelter.

This has me questioning my treatment and handling of Artie... questioning my judgement, what I did..

Artie, did I cause you to be so sick? Did I cause you to leave this earth? too soon, and did I put you through unnecessary pain, torture? Did I make you die?

Ok: here goes my story:
I have a shift at the shelter/rescue. I do update the higher ups, as to what I observe, from the normal, with the cats. I do tell them when I feel a cat needs to see a Vet, rather than ignoring things, or dealing with things ourselves.. and I felt as if I had a good amount of experience dealing with all of Artie's issues...

I was told, last night, in a regular telephone conversation, that I run to quickly to the Vets and rely on medication to fast. That I do not allow a cat to deal with/handle things on their own. That I want to overmedicate, and then have to deal with the consequences of the medication. Too much involvement with Vets is not a good thing..

Did I do this to Artie? Did I force your life to be ended to soon? Did I make you sick? Did I cause your illnesses? Did I take you to the vet's too often?
Did I talk to the Vet too often?

I was also told that, even if I wanted to take a sick cat home.. just to keep, until the inevitable happened; I would not be allowed to do so, because I get too involved in their illness!!!!!

I was half asleep during this conversation. I initially got mad at being told this, then the guilts came in....and they are still there.. worse than ever..

Artie, my love.. my soulmate... I am still grieving you.. I love you.. my buddy.. my guy.. my love bug... my 'boy'....will you ever forgive me... did I have bad judgement with you.. did you suffer because of that...

I donated all of Artie's meds to this rescue.. past and current and his supplies.. I wanted to help another cat out.. I wanted something good to come of him.. instead, this is what they think of me....

I kind of feel like telling them all off, and telling them to shove it.. I really do...
However, I really like going in to see the cats. I really enjoy the liberties I have in going in, whenever I feel like it, to visit them...I like having my shift with them...

Now, I am wondering if this is a way of easing me out... of telling me they do not want me around, to make waves..

I have a shift, this week-end.. I am not going to comment, as I usually do.. I am just going in, doing what I have to do, filling out the required forms and nothing else. I will enjoy the cats.. and that will be it..

I will be 'just a volunteer' with nothing more.. They do not like people to really voice their concerns.. they say the do, but in reality, NO... I should have figured that out, because they dumped someone who was very vocal, and gave me her shift. They told me they appreciated my insight into things...

Now, the tables have turned on me.. I can see it now..

Artie, my love.. I really do miss you.. your soft body lying on me, purring, kneading--- your getting "happy"... you constant companionship, your love, you following me around, making me laugh, making me feel love--real love for me.. for just me.. at my worst, and at my best.. You always being there for me.. greeting me at the door.. talking to me.. telling me off when I was gone too long or it was dark out when I came home... you just being there for me..
You cuddling.. When I was sick or feeling low, you were there--cuddled up against me.. so many times you got wet from my tears.. yet, you did not mind...
Your silly antics.. You just being you..

The emptiness in my heart is huge..

When I adopted you, it was to fill a void I had--after my dad died.. I saw you 2 months after my dad died.. It was love at first sight, for me... and that first night, OMG... you came right up to me, you walked up to me, while I was lying down on the couch, you came over, walked on my belly, lied down, immediately started kneading and purring.. You immediately replaced that hole in my heart with your soul..

Now it is 5 months since I last saw you.. hugged you.. cried into your fur..

This is the longest I have been, being completely alone in my life. Maybe this is what is meant to be.. that I learn to be alone...

Is God meaning this to happen? I know God sent you to me.. did I do badly by you?
I loved you.. perhaps too much...

The apartment is empty, a void.. it is too clean.. too too too clean.. yet, occasionally, I still find evidence of you..

I found another ball, hidden under the entertainment center, which I had moved for the renovations. Out came the ball.. bringing a sad smile to my face, along with me finding a few grains of litter... I save them.. I put the ball back to where it was hiding.. to remember you...

Artie I miss you... did I hurt you.. I am so sorry.. my love.. I am so sorry.. can you ever forgive me for all the torture I made you endure.. perhaps for nothing..

love you to the end of the world....
forgive me....

 

[mazie]

Honestly, in my opinion you need to find another shelter to work at. You have done NOTHING wrong in caring for Artie. You were the best cat mom that sweet kitty could ever have!! Artie was very lucky to have you. You need to stop beating yourself up!! I am serious. When I read this latest thread, I worry. Artie going over The Bridge was inevitable. You did NOT prolong any of his suffering, you did what was the humane thing to do at the right time, other wise he would have suffered uselessly. I think the reason you have not yet found another kitty to love is that possibly powers know that you are not quite ready, maybe even strong enough quite yet for that next step, to adopt. When you do adopt again, and I pray that one day when you are ready that you will, you will need to be in the frame of mind to appreciate that new kitty is not another Artie, but a little creature that will need your love and care just as Artie did, way back when. I know you will get there. In the meantime, please find another shelter to work at. The way they treat their volunteers is terrible!! You do not deserve nor need to be treated like that. Boston must have other shelters where kind, pleasant and nice people work at, people like yourself. People who appreciate good, knowledgeable souls that know what they are talking about. Hang in there, your ship will come in again, after all, we are all told that life goes on.