Artie.....part 1

[maggiedemi]

I was told, last night, in a regular telephone conversation, that I run to quickly to the Vets and rely on medication to fast. That I do not allow a cat to deal with/handle things on their own. That I want to overmedicate, and then have to deal with the consequences of the medication.

What the heck?! I can't believe they said that to you. That's not true, you didn't hurt Artie, you dedicated your entire life to him. I agree, if you can find a different shelter to volunteer at, I would.

 

[di and bob]

i agree completely with the above post. and that there is nothing to forgive, you did all you did out of love and concern and Artie would be the last one to have you feel guilt when none should be there at all.....I think you really should get another little one to love. A kitten, maybe two, to keep each other company. You have too big of a heart and too much experience to not be appreciated. You won't fall instantly in love, it will come in time. You will appreciate the life the new kitten would bring back into your existence. Grief helps you to appreciate life even more, it helps you to love even deeper because you know how fragile, how fleeting, that life can be.....

 

[Jcatbird]

No! No! I am boiling for you! You did everything all of us would have done. Remember how many people followed your thread? You got nothing but support for doing a magnificent job with Artie! With all these cat people following everything that happened I promise that you would have had people posting like crazy if they thought you were going too far in any way. So many people here have decades of experience in cat care, someone would have pointed things out to you. Are you kidding me? How dare they! There is something you need to know immediately. Politics invade every business of any kind and even a shelter is a sort of business. I am guessing that your intuition about being less vocal is good. Someone else wants to do the talking. Your star shines so bright it has given someone green eyed jealousy. I expect you are very tuned in to the sick cats and may notice things more quickly. That should be a plus but for now you may need to just try and enjoy the cats unless something very important comes up.Let the waters quiet a bit. The shelter I deal with goes through changes all the time. Some good and some bad. A recent director suddenly made all kinds of new rules that went against many standard policies. This person caused great upset and upheaval. They kept certain needy cats from being allowed at the shelter. A friend who volunteers there got very upset but I told her to just sit tight and wait because I knew change would come again. A week later it did. That director left and the cats that had been denied were accepted. Since you like going there I would say wait and see. If things don’t improve for you then look into going somewhere else. Your help is greatly needed. I wish you were here to help me! I would love for you to take care of any cat that passes through my hands. From baby to elderly, my total confidence would be in your abilities. I don’t think you can ever turn to a good vet too often. Any worry is worth getting checked out. If a cat is okay, any vet worth their salt will tell you. Stop questioning yourself and know that if you erred it was on the side of caution and not neglect. You kept Artie safe and alive. That ball should remind you of the love between you and only good things. I bet Artie will scratch them in their dreams for what they said! If Artie doesn’t then i bet a lot of your friends here will try to. Shame on them! You just hang in there and bide your time. If you decide you want a kitty I know that people here will help you. You can choose any cat from here with no problem! Wanna come visit?

 

[tarasgirl06]

ARTIE:

I have not written for a while.. I have not forgotten Artie.. not for one minute...

Today is exactly 5 months since I last had my love to hold.. caress, kiss, hug, talk to...

I miss my guy so much..

I have been much better. I really have been.. .. I still do not have a kitty. I do not know if I ever will, again..

I have been lived through all the upheaval of the apartment renovations.. yet, I cannot seem to find the right kitty.. All the ones we have at the shelter seem to be really sick, or really old.. while I fall in love with them, all of them.. especially the sickest and oldest; I do not know if I have the emotional strength to deal with another really sick cat.. even as a foster.. and I do not know if they would approve of me as a foster; after a conversation I had with someone high up in the shelter.

This has me questioning my treatment and handling of Artie... questioning my judgement, what I did..

Artie, did I cause you to be so sick? Did I cause you to leave this earth? too soon, and did I put you through unnecessary pain, torture? Did I make you die?

Ok: here goes my story:
I have a shift at the shelter/rescue. I do update the higher ups, as to what I observe, from the normal, with the cats. I do tell them when I feel a cat needs to see a Vet, rather than ignoring things, or dealing with things ourselves.. and I felt as if I had a good amount of experience dealing with all of Artie's issues...

I was told, last night, in a regular telephone conversation, that I run to quickly to the Vets and rely on medication to fast. That I do not allow a cat to deal with/handle things on their own. That I want to overmedicate, and then have to deal with the consequences of the medication. Too much involvement with Vets is not a good thing..

Did I do this to Artie? Did I force your life to be ended to soon? Did I make you sick? Did I cause your illnesses? Did I take you to the vet's too often?
Did I talk to the Vet too often?

I was also told that, even if I wanted to take a sick cat home.. just to keep, until the inevitable happened; I would not be allowed to do so, because I get too involved in their illness!!!!!

I was half asleep during this conversation. I initially got mad at being told this, then the guilts came in....and they are still there.. worse than ever..

Artie, my love.. my soulmate... I am still grieving you.. I love you.. my buddy.. my guy.. my love bug... my 'boy'....will you ever forgive me... did I have bad judgement with you.. did you suffer because of that...

I donated all of Artie's meds to this rescue.. past and current and his supplies.. I wanted to help another cat out.. I wanted something good to come of him.. instead, this is what they think of me....

I kind of feel like telling them all off, and telling them to shove it.. I really do...
However, I really like going in to see the cats. I really enjoy the liberties I have in going in, whenever I feel like it, to visit them...I like having my shift with them...

Now, I am wondering if this is a way of easing me out... of telling me they do not want me around, to make waves..

I have a shift, this week-end.. I am not going to comment, as I usually do.. I am just going in, doing what I have to do, filling out the required forms and nothing else. I will enjoy the cats.. and that will be it..

I will be 'just a volunteer' with nothing more.. They do not like people to really voice their concerns.. they say the do, but in reality, NO... I should have figured that out, because they dumped someone who was very vocal, and gave me her shift. They told me they appreciated my insight into things...

Now, the tables have turned on me.. I can see it now..

Artie, my love.. I really do miss you.. your soft body lying on me, purring, kneading--- your getting "happy"... you constant companionship, your love, you following me around, making me laugh, making me feel love--real love for me.. for just me.. at my worst, and at my best.. You always being there for me.. greeting me at the door.. talking to me.. telling me off when I was gone too long or it was dark out when I came home... you just being there for me..
You cuddling.. When I was sick or feeling low, you were there--cuddled up against me.. so many times you got wet from my tears.. yet, you did not mind...
Your silly antics.. You just being you..

The emptiness in my heart is huge..

When I adopted you, it was to fill a void I had--after my dad died.. I saw you 2 months after my dad died.. It was love at first sight, for me... and that first night, OMG... you came right up to me, you walked up to me, while I was lying down on the couch, you came over, walked on my belly, lied down, immediately started kneading and purring.. You immediately replaced that hole in my heart with your soul..

Now it is 5 months since I last saw you.. hugged you.. cried into your fur..

This is the longest I have been, being completely alone in my life. Maybe this is what is meant to be.. that I learn to be alone...

Is God meaning this to happen? I know God sent you to me.. did I do badly by you?
I loved you.. perhaps too much...

The apartment is empty, a void.. it is too clean.. too too too clean.. yet, occasionally, I still find evidence of you..

I found another ball, hidden under the entertainment center, which I had moved for the renovations. Out came the ball.. bringing a sad smile to my face, along with me finding a few grains of litter... I save them.. I put the ball back to where it was hiding.. to remember you...

Artie I miss you... did I hurt you.. I am so sorry.. my love.. I am so sorry.. can you ever forgive me for all the torture I made you endure.. perhaps for nothing..

love you to the end of the world....
forgive me....

Cindy: First, you need to put any thoughts that you mistreated or did badly by Artie in any way, shape, or form, right OUT of your mind. If caring "too much" is a crime, then yes, you're guilty. I'm guilty, too. A lot of us are guilty, hopefully, of that. And I say that with no apology, because...PERSONALITY PROBLEMS are universal, as are criticism and back-seat driving and Monday morning quarterbacking.

My father was an exemplary citizen. He gave his all to his work and went well above and beyond, in anything he committed himself to, including being an amazing father. *Of course, I'm biased.* Looking around, I see so many kids who have obviously not had that kind of love and wisdom in their lives, and it shows. Not their fault. But it's one of the big things wrong with the world, in my humble opinion. Anyway. My father (and my mother as well) instilled in me the striving to be my personal best. Not anyone else's personal best. Mine. And I always knew, because my conscience let me know bigtime, when I defaulted on that. Over time, I've learned a lot, including that no one is perfect, no one lives forever, and no matter what you do or don't do for your loved ones, you're always going to wonder if it was too much, not enough, not good enough, not right, etc.

At the end of the day, we can only have the best intentions backed up by our unconditional love and what wisdom and knowledge we can acquire, by whatever means. We will never be perfect. But we can love with our whole hearts and souls, and do the best we can.

You've certainly done that for Artie. You have nothing to apologize for in regards to the care you have given Artie or the love you have shown him.

As for the shelter, I would put the problems you are having down to personality clashes. Everyone else is an expert. There are a lot of people, unfortunately, that have what could be called a predator instinct. If they sense what they perceive as weakness or vulnerability in someone else, they will go for the jugular. I've encountered this more than once. It in NO WAY means you are what they think you are. It in NO WAY means they have carte blanche to attack you, belittle you, or shut you out of something you believe in and are giving your all to. I would try really hard not to let them get under your skin. Easier said than done, I know, having been there. But try and try and try again.

I would NOT quit helping the cats. And if you are prohibited from fostering or adopting at that shelter, that does not mean you cannot adopt elsewhere. When the time is right, if it becomes right, you will be Guided along that path.

For now, please don't let egos stop you from helping those who need your help.

 

[Jcatbird]

What she said!

 

[tarasgirl06]

What she said!

*Writing from the heart, with lots of passion.*

 

[artiemom]

I think the reason you have not yet found another kitty to love is that possibly powers know that you are not quite ready, maybe even strong enough quite yet for that next step, to adopt.

That could be... I am still grieving, Artie and missing my dad, both of them-- a ton...

 

[artiemom]

Grief helps you to appreciate life even more, it helps you to love even deeper because you know how fragile, how fleeting, that life can be...

Oh, and how much I HAVE grieved...and still are...

I could really love another kitty.. but I need a cuddler.. sigh

There is something you need to know immediately. Politics invade every business of any kind and even a shelter is a sort of business. I am guessing that your intuition about being less vocal is good. Someone else wants to do the talking. Your star shines so bright it has given someone green eyed jealousy. I expect you are very tuned in to the sick cats and may notice things more quickly. That should be a plus but for now you may need to just try and enjoy the cats unless something very important comes up.Let the waters quiet a bit.

I agree... I think it is a matter of jealousy, new knowledge which is challenging the old.. and going against a proverbial 'know-it-all"...

I wish you were here to help me! I would love for you to take care of any cat that passes through my hands. From baby to elderly, my total confidence would be in your abilities.

You are so kind....it is just me needing to give love to these special ones. Which has been mis-interpreted to trying to question authority...sigh

You've certainly done that for Artie. You have nothing to apologize for in regards to the care you have given Artie or the love you have shown him.

thank you...

As for the shelter, I would put the problems you are having down to personality clashes. Everyone else is an expert. There are a lot of people, unfortunately, that have what could be called a predator instinct. If they sense what they perceive as weakness or vulnerability in someone else, they will go for the jugular. I've encountered this more than once. It in NO WAY means you are what they think you are. It in NO WAY means they have carte blanche to attack you, belittle you, or shut you out of something you believe in and are giving your all to. I would try really hard not to let them get under your skin. Easier said than done, I know, having been there. But try and try and try again.

I would NOT quit helping the cats. And if you are prohibited from fostering or adopting at that shelter, that does not mean you cannot adopt elsewhere. When the time is right, if it becomes right, you will be Guided along that path.

thanks... I just cannot give up on the kitties.. I do need kitty love, and I feel they do need me.. also.... perhaps egotistical of me, but I feel I can help them.. at least give them all the love I have, when I am there..

They really do sense it..
A couple weeks ago, I went in there is a kind of foul mood.. mad at the way the shift person, who I was relieving, left the place in such a mess... and could not even sweep the floor.. She was there for 4 hours, and did nothing but scoop, play with the kitties, take to her 'friends' and read a magazine..

The kitties sensed my mood and stayed away from me.. On Saturday, I had just a 'passing time' shift. I could enjoy them.. they sensed that and were so, so, so loving.. I do need my kitty fix...

For now, please don't let egos stop you from helping those who need your help

I will continue for now... with a low profile... and try to just enjoy the little ones.. without commenting on things.. I will keep mouth and typing fingers closed.. And see what happens...

This shelter is so convenient for me.. and if I find a kitty, I do not have to pay a fee, nor be investigated.. just take the cat home... and it saves contacting the management, which will make me pay a pet deposit of a months rent and an extra $50 a month. I can barely make ends meet now...

Artie was 'grandfathered' in... and I have to move from her, next year.. perhaps It was meant to be, that I do not have a cat, until I move.. it is very difficult to find a reasonably priced apartment that I can afford... never mind one which allows pets... even ESA pets... sigh.....

Thank you all.. I love you all.. I love the people here..

I had to post, because I know you guys understood what Artie and I went through..

Artie, I will love you until the end of time.....

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

That could be... I am still grieving, Artie and missing my dad, both of them-- a ton...

artiemom , we don't know each other but I was definitely one of Artie's Silent Army. I wish I could give you a very long, meaningful hug. My heart is breaking for you! I am quoting only the part just above that you wrote [in blue], as even though it is just one sentence, it is the core of things, to my mind. When my husband and I lost our last dear cat just over 4 years ago, it was a horrible loss and extremely difficult for me. I didn't handle it well at all. But it was also difficult for my husband, who then suddenly lost his father five months after we lost our cat. It was too much. I can handle my feelings and grief with a short time of being with a grief counselor (I have a background in some of this stuff), but my husband is still benefiting from sessions with a grief counselor even all these several years later. When we lose many loved ones, the pain and grief can really build up inside of us. Have you considered trying grief counseling, to help you with your loss and sadness and grief? Sometimes we think we can get along without such a thing, but it does often help.

 

[artiemom]

grief counselor

Thanks,
I do see a Social Worker and a psych...

Thank you for being part of Artie's Silent Army... ((hugs))...

My dad's death was not sudden. It was a long, prolonged thing... His doctors and home care team, told me that it was because of ME, that he lasted so long.... after my mom died, my dad just gave up.. I had to focus all my energies on him.

This is not something I regret.. yes, there were very hard times, for me... but I am so grateful to have the opportunity to get to know my dad, as a PERSON, not just as a father.. That is a gift I will always be grateful for.. We used to talk about everything.. I mean everything.. WE just chatted .. I asked him questions about his life, his thoughts, how it was for him growing up, his times in WWII, just chatting.. Weekends were the best.. We would have a drink, before supper, which I cooked, and just chatted..

I miss that.. In many ways, Artie helped me.. He filled the voids in my heart..

I know it is a part of life.. a part that I am so grateful for... a Special, almost Magical time, getting to know my dad; ~~~ and then, being given the Gift of Artie... I have been blessed...
And my mom~~ who was so sweet, kind, but always sick... yes, I learned how to be a caregiver at a very young age...

anyway...
FYI, I see my SW on Thursday..

And from my eye doctor: Did you know that it is not the tears which are irritating to your eyes? It is what you use to wipe your eyes.. regular tissue sheds hem fibers which are irritating. The best thing to use is an old fashioned hankie... I tried it, and it is true....

love, and hugs to all..

 

[tarasgirl06]

Oh, and how much I HAVE grieved...and still are...

I could really love another kitty.. but I need a cuddler.. sigh


I agree... I think it is a matter of jealousy, new knowledge which is challenging the old.. and going against a proverbial 'know-it-all"...


You are so kind....it is just me needing to give love to these special ones. Which has been mis-interpreted to trying to question authority...sigh


thank you...


thanks... I just cannot give up on the kitties.. I do need kitty love, and I feel they do need me.. also.... perhaps egotistical of me, but I feel I can help them.. at least give them all the love I have, when I am there..

They really do sense it..
A couple weeks ago, I went in there is a kind of foul mood.. mad at the way the shift person, who I was relieving, left the place in such a mess... and could not even sweep the floor.. She was there for 4 hours, and did nothing but scoop, play with the kitties, take to her 'friends' and read a magazine..

The kitties sensed my mood and stayed away from me.. On Saturday, I had just a 'passing time' shift. I could enjoy them.. they sensed that and were so, so, so loving.. I do need my kitty fix...


I will continue for now... with a low profile... and try to just enjoy the little ones.. without commenting on things.. I will keep mouth and typing fingers closed.. And see what happens...

This shelter is so convenient for me.. and if I find a kitty, I do not have to pay a fee, nor be investigated.. just take the cat home... and it saves contacting the management, which will make me pay a pet deposit of a months rent and an extra $50 a month. I can barely make ends meet now...

Artie was 'grandfathered' in... and I have to move from her, next year.. perhaps It was meant to be, that I do not have a cat, until I move.. it is very difficult to find a reasonably priced apartment that I can afford... never mind one which allows pets... even ESA pets... sigh.....

Thank you all.. I love you all.. I love the people here..

I had to post, because I know you guys understood what Artie and I went through..

Artie, I will love you until the end of time.....

View attachment 258679

What a wonderful picture of your handsome little king. I don't know about you, but for me, the photos do help. Of course they make me sad, missing them, but they are also precious memories preserved for all time. How fortunate we are to live in the time of digital cameras, smartphones, and the internet. And TCS!

Well, personally, Cindy, IDK about it being "right" for you to be without feline comfort and companionship now. Of course it may be more convenient, and more feasible financially. Life is complicated, isn't it? But my own way of dealing with my losses is in knowing that, since each of my beloveds has been rescued from the streets, a friend who has departed this life, or other situations, I feel sure that they would want me to open my home and my heart to more sweet cats in need, as they once were. It's not always possible right after a loved one has left but I try to be very aware and open to the possibility of it happening. With Elvis, we had lost our beloved angel Rani and I was bowed down with grief. Then my oldest friend emailed me out of the blue, asking if I might think about another cat, because someone she knew, knew someone who needed to rehome his beloved cat due to personal circumstances. It all worked perfectly, as Elvis was neutered, the right age (9), indoor-only, and in need of exactly what I had to offer him. He had lived with another cat successfully, as well as a dog. His dad loves him very much, but his fiance (now wife) is allergic. So it all clicked into place right at the right time for all of us.

I miss so MANY beloved ones, including both of my folks and many, many feline family members. My dad's heart was also broken once my mom passed, and he snapped inside. Though he was in assisted living, dealing with his final years and the many problems in his life was not easy. We had some of those wonderful moments such as you describe, though, which I will always remember and treasure. It doesn't get easier, as my mom once said. But for me, it just seems right to jump back in to adoption, and know that I am not only helping to heal my loved ones and myself, I am also giving everything I can to someone else who wants and needs the love, safety, and good life here.

 

[Antonio65]

Cindy,
if there's one person on this Earth that deserves or is entitled to have a cat, that person is you.
If I had to adopt a cat out, I'd choose you over ten thousand people.

Do not let those ignorant people at the shelter crush or destroy your soul and self-esteem.
I'd rather choose a person who runs to the vet when their cat coughs once than a person who waits a week to see if the cat gets better!

You had a great, though sad, experience with you handsome Artie. He was sick and was needing you. You loved to be needed, that's why you're falling in love with the oldest and sickest cats at the shelter.
I'd do the same, and as I had told you in my PM, I had fallen in love with a sick and needy kitten, only to find out that I wasn't ready to do that again.

Your doubts about how you managed Artie's illness are the same I have for my Lola.
Did we over-medicated our babies? Did we torment our babies with visits and tests at the vets? Did we consult the vets too often?
No, to all of these questions!
We've been responsible and caring pet owners, this should be seen as an added value, not as a fault.

Artie loves you and knows that you did only the best for him. And he knows he was with the bets Mom ever, he couldn't have asked for a better place in this world. He has nothing to forgive you, you have nothing to seek forgiveness for.

Those people do not deserve your huge heart and experience, in your place I'd find another shelter were your contribution would be much more appreciated.

I would like to be there to give yo a big HUG!
And I would like to give your post ten PURRAISES!

 

[LTS3]

Why don't you give Jen a call? She'd love to hear from you and will tell you that, NO you did not over medicate Artie nor bother N Vet with every little concern and you took great care of Artie to the end.

Can you volunteer at a different shelter or rescue? There are many in the area.

Maybe the "right" cat isn't going to be found where you currently volunteer. Have you looked at other places, even just online? I was hard set on adopting a cat from the SPCA but none of the cats were "right". I went to a small rescue that was having a "meet and greet" at a local pet store and wound up taking Emma home.

 

[rubysmama]

artiemom : so sorry for all the "politics" you are dealing with at the shelter. But remember, volunteering is not the same as a paying job. If you are not happy there, or feel you are not being appreciated, do look for another shelter to volunteer at. The stress is certainly not helpful. And if you're doing something for FREE, you should at least enjoy it.

As for Artie, you did all you could do for that sweet boy. With all his issues, he was lucky to have you for his mom. Not everyone would, or could, do all you did for him. And it's not like you just did things on your own! You had professional medical guidance! From a top vet in Boston! There was nothing more you, or anyone, could do when you and the Nvet sent Artie to the bridge.

Artie was a special cat. Your special cat. You will likely never have another like him. And that's ok. And doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't get another cat. There are so many cats who need homes. And they aren't all old and sick.

I know it's in your nature to want to care and nurse the ill. We know that from you caring for your father. And Artie. But maybe you need a break from the worry and stress of care-giving.

Maybe instead of getting an older cat, you should do the exact opposite and get a kitten! Or a young, healthy playful cat. And where it will only be you and the cat, don't worry about bonding, as you'll be his/her mom, who does everything for them, so of course you'll bond. Maybe not like you and Artie. But a close bond for sure.

Does either of the vets where you took Artie ever get cats/kittens left on their doorstep? Maybe tell them you're looking for a cat/kitten, and to let you know if they hear of one needing a home. Surely in a city like Boston, there have to be healthy, younger cats looking for a kind, loving, responsible Cat Mom, like you.

 

[tarasgirl06]

A nice middle-aged calm cat might be just the right family member. You will know when the "right cat" comes along, Cindy. Meanwhile, yes, there are so many, many needful and deserving cats who will benefit from your caring, wherever you volunteer! and not only will they benefit, of course you will, too. This is something my mom taught me, to "serve someone in greater need" and it is at the root of ALL of our spiritual beliefs.

 

[artiemom]

Thank you all, for all the support. You guys never cease to amaze me. I honestly love you... all of you..

I am going in the rescue/shelter on Sunday, for my shift. I will see how it goes..
One day at a time.

I looked into other shelters around here but most of them are fosters, or by appointment only.. not many physical sites. I think I may check out another PetSmart--see what they have, , and ask at PetCo, as to when they have adoption events...

I am going into Boston for an appointment, tomorrow--Thursday.
I think I may take a side trip, to the other side of Boston; to look at the kitties at the MSPCA--Angell...

LTS3 I may even call Jen tomorrow morning.. to see if she is aware of any..
or has any ideas..

I pulled out my lease, I have a gas bill at the ready.. made a list of what I need for a new kitty. I will just add things onto my credit card... sigh...

The lease, 12 years old, states one cat-- pet deposit of 1/2 months rent.. nothing else... but I was told it was one months rent and a $50 monthly pet fee, by the idiot Property manager... If it is, I was never aware of it.. so I guess I could fight it.. but that would give them reason not to renew my lease, if I chose to stay here.~~~~ if I inherited some money, from an anonymous source!!!

Financially, the cost will be high, but... I am going to discuss this entire issue with my Social Worker, tomorrow.
I did have another lonely, crying fit this morning..

Yes, Artie was my one in a lifetime cat.. and I do still have guilts associated with him.. how I get over this, I do not know. I had guilts with my mom... with my dad-- I had absolutely no guilt at all. I knew, deep in my heart that I did everything I could for him. He told me, so... I never felt guilty. I never had any regrets at all..

With Artie, perhaps because he was so special, I loved him so much--- and he could not tell me things, that the guilt is so intense.

It was not that he died a natural death.. it was ME, making the decision.. a responsibility which is horrid. I still wonder if I made the decision out of me being so tired, worn out, and at a loss of what to do for him, and taking the easy way out.....
or was it the right time? Should I have waited and tried something else? but what would that have been? Between his food fussiness, his allergy to chicken, and his megacolon.. I felt burnt out.. did I contribute to his last flare? by doing this, did I cause the final severe constipation? or was he just getting worse...

I have to remember that he was losing fur and vomiting a lot more from eating the Fancy Feast... and FF changed it formula, to have chicken in all their food..
Was this bound to happen? eventually?

I do remember running him in constantly, demanding to be seen.. oh, the Vets were so good to us.. but when it came down to me doing enemas at home.. that is not a life ... not for anyone, never mind a cat.. and Artie would not allow that.. He was so good with his sub-q's... and we thought he would be a terror... but he was such a good boy...

And NVet was totally out of ideas, except the colon surgery.. I guess the end was inevitable.. but I still feel guilt because: if I did not give him extra treats for being so good to me, then he would not have the IBD diarrhea flare, and then go into the constipation, which we could not rid him of....sigh..

If I was more in control of my mind, and not financially stressed out, if I was thinking normally, I would not have given him so many treats... but he was being so good to me, when I needed love, that I wanted to somehow reward him for his love...

Ok.. just trying to appease myself.. I was stressed out about financial issues. Dealing with Artie, was making me psychologically worse.. I could not relax.. I could not even think strait, of how to help him.. my mind was mush....That is where the guilt comes in... Was it me? did I cause this?

Do I need more time alone? or has it been TOO much time alone?
Too much time, thinking.. worrying.. not enough laughter and love...

And with the adoption person, "T"... that just put me into a downward spiral.. and the doubts came back.. honestly, I was doing better.. I was going to wait until the right cat came up.. but now I think, it is time..By having this conversation with T, I think Artie, or my dad, is telling me it is time... kind of to prove them wrong.. and to start over... and do things better...

Not knowing where I will live next year, and if cats will be allowed.. is a major stressor. I was hoping I could hold out, but I do not think I can be alone..

Whenever I adopt, my cat will be designated an ESA... I just need to find a place which will not discriminate against that. There is one apartment building, which I heard, from a tenant that they will accept and ESA for one year, when it comes time for lease renewal, they refuse to renew. They want the building completely pet free....

anyway..

Thank you all.. I needed a plan...and I am rambling..to all of you.. sorry...

hijacking my own thread..

 

[tarasgirl06]

Thank you all, for all the support. You guys never cease to amaze me. I honestly love you... all of you..

I am going in the rescue/shelter on Sunday, for my shift. I will see how it goes..
One day at a time.

I looked into other shelters around here but most of them are fosters, or by appointment only.. not many physical sites. I think I may check out another PetSmart--see what they have, , and ask at PetCo, as to when they have adoption events...

I am going into Boston for an appointment, tomorrow--Thursday.
I think I may take a side trip, to the other side of Boston; to look at the kitties at the MSPCA--Angell...

LTS3 I may even call Jen tomorrow morning.. to see if she is aware of any..
or has any ideas..

I pulled out my lease, I have a gas bill at the ready.. made a list of what I need for a new kitty. I will just add things onto my credit card... sigh...

The lease, 12 years old, states one cat-- pet deposit of 1/2 months rent.. nothing else... but I was told it was one months rent and a $50 monthly pet fee, by the idiot Property manager... If it is, I was never aware of it.. so I guess I could fight it.. but that would give them reason not to renew my lease, if I chose to stay here.~~~~ if I inherited some money, from an anonymous source!!!

Financially, the cost will be high, but... I am going to discuss this entire issue with my Social Worker, tomorrow.
I did have another lonely, crying fit this morning..

Yes, Artie was my one in a lifetime cat.. and I do still have guilts associated with him.. how I get over this, I do not know. I had guilts with my mom... with my dad-- I had absolutely no guilt at all. I knew, deep in my heart that I did everything I could for him. He told me, so... I never felt guilty. I never had any regrets at all..

With Artie, perhaps because he was so special, I loved him so much--- and he could not tell me things, that the guilt is so intense.

It was not that he died a natural death.. it was ME, making the decision.. a responsibility which is horrid. I still wonder if I made the decision out of me being so tired, worn out, and at a loss of what to do for him, and taking the easy way out.....
or was it the right time? Should I have waited and tried something else? but what would that have been? Between his food fussiness, his allergy to chicken, and his megacolon.. I felt burnt out.. did I contribute to his last flare? by doing this, did I cause the final severe constipation? or was he just getting worse...

I have to remember that he was losing fur and vomiting a lot more from eating the Fancy Feast... and FF changed it formula, to have chicken in all their food..
Was this bound to happen? eventually?

I do remember running him in constantly, demanding to be seen.. oh, the Vets were so good to us.. but when it came down to me doing enemas at home.. that is not a life ... not for anyone, never mind a cat.. and Artie would not allow that.. He was so good with his sub-q's... and we thought he would be a terror... but he was such a good boy...

And NVet was totally out of ideas, except the colon surgery.. I guess the end was inevitable.. but I still feel guilt because: if I did not give him extra treats for being so good to me, then he would not have the IBD diarrhea flare, and then go into the constipation, which we could not rid him of....sigh..

If I was more in control of my mind, and not financially stressed out, if I was thinking normally, I would not have given him so many treats... but he was being so good to me, when I needed love, that I wanted to somehow reward him for his love...

Ok.. just trying to appease myself.. I was stressed out about financial issues. Dealing with Artie, was making me psychologically worse.. I could not relax.. I could not even think strait, of how to help him.. my mind was mush....That is where the guilt comes in... Was it me? did I cause this?

Do I need more time alone? or has it been TOO much time alone?
Too much time, thinking.. worrying.. not enough laughter and love...

And with the adoption person, "T"... that just put me into a downward spiral.. and the doubts came back.. honestly, I was doing better.. I was going to wait until the right cat came up.. but now I think, it is time..By having this conversation with T, I think Artie, or my dad, is telling me it is time... kind of to prove them wrong.. and to start over... and do things better...

Not knowing where I will live next year, and if cats will be allowed.. is a major stressor. I was hoping I could hold out, but I do not think I can be alone..

Whenever I adopt, my cat will be designated an ESA... I just need to find a place which will not discriminate against that. There is one apartment building, which I heard, from a tenant that they will accept and ESA for one year, when it comes time for lease renewal, they refuse to renew. They want the building completely pet free....

anyway..

Thank you all.. I needed a plan...and I am rambling..to all of you.. sorry...

hijacking my own thread..

Artie let you know that he was ready to transcend this life to a far better one where he is waiting, with your folks and other beloved cats, to reunite with you in due time. I know how hard it is to set one's mind at ease on the issue of assisting a beloved one at the end of life on this earth, but you know he was having many health issues that were getting worse, and he certainly would not have had comfort or quality of life here if they continued. You KNOW that.

Of course you miss him! and feeling uncertain about your decision is natural. But in time, hopefully you will know that you did the most compassionate and caring thing for ARTIE. If you pray on the matter and keep open to the answer, it will come to you. The Creator certainly knows every one of our thoughts, feelings and states of being and as it is said that we are not given more than we can bear, sometimes it is necessary for us to assist our loved ones out of irremediable pain and suffering. It is never pleasant and it is never "a sure thing" in terms of our feeling 100% conviction that we did the "right thing".
But I truly believe, having meditated and prayed upon this a lot, that beyond that veil, our loved ones certainly know everything that is in our hearts. They know our intentions. And they know that our love for them sometimes has to take precedence for our own wants and needs. As in these times when we must have our own hearts broken in order to give them the release to the Presence that is All-Knowing and All-Loving.

It seems to me that where you are is not the right place for you. Life is full of stress and uncertainty, but where one lives should be a refuge of sorts. I do not have the answer as to where the "right" place is, but I do believe it will open up for you. Again, praying on the matter and staying aware as to opportunities will ultimately mean you can be Guided in the right way.

So many cats need, and are deserving of, loving, safe homes. Every one of us who can offer them is called upon to do so, I believe.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Thank you all, for all the support. You guys never cease to amaze me. I honestly love you... all of you..

I am going in the rescue/shelter on Sunday, for my shift. I will see how it goes..
One day at a time.

I looked into other shelters around here but most of them are fosters, or by appointment only.. not many physical sites. I think I may check out another PetSmart--see what they have, , and ask at PetCo, as to when they have adoption events...

I am going into Boston for an appointment, tomorrow--Thursday.
I think I may take a side trip, to the other side of Boston; to look at the kitties at the MSPCA--Angell...

LTS3 I may even call Jen tomorrow morning.. to see if she is aware of any..
or has any ideas..

I pulled out my lease, I have a gas bill at the ready.. made a list of what I need for a new kitty. I will just add things onto my credit card... sigh...

The lease, 12 years old, states one cat-- pet deposit of 1/2 months rent.. nothing else... but I was told it was one months rent and a $50 monthly pet fee, by the idiot Property manager... If it is, I was never aware of it.. so I guess I could fight it.. but that would give them reason not to renew my lease, if I chose to stay here.~~~~ if I inherited some money, from an anonymous source!!!

Financially, the cost will be high, but... I am going to discuss this entire issue with my Social Worker, tomorrow.
I did have another lonely, crying fit this morning..

Yes, Artie was my one in a lifetime cat.. and I do still have guilts associated with him.. how I get over this, I do not know. I had guilts with my mom... with my dad-- I had absolutely no guilt at all. I knew, deep in my heart that I did everything I could for him. He told me, so... I never felt guilty. I never had any regrets at all..

With Artie, perhaps because he was so special, I loved him so much--- and he could not tell me things, that the guilt is so intense.

It was not that he died a natural death.. it was ME, making the decision.. a responsibility which is horrid. I still wonder if I made the decision out of me being so tired, worn out, and at a loss of what to do for him, and taking the easy way out.....
or was it the right time? Should I have waited and tried something else? but what would that have been? Between his food fussiness, his allergy to chicken, and his megacolon.. I felt burnt out.. did I contribute to his last flare? by doing this, did I cause the final severe constipation? or was he just getting worse...

I have to remember that he was losing fur and vomiting a lot more from eating the Fancy Feast... and FF changed it formula, to have chicken in all their food..
Was this bound to happen? eventually?

I do remember running him in constantly, demanding to be seen.. oh, the Vets were so good to us.. but when it came down to me doing enemas at home.. that is not a life ... not for anyone, never mind a cat.. and Artie would not allow that.. He was so good with his sub-q's... and we thought he would be a terror... but he was such a good boy...

And NVet was totally out of ideas, except the colon surgery.. I guess the end was inevitable.. but I still feel guilt because: if I did not give him extra treats for being so good to me, then he would not have the IBD diarrhea flare, and then go into the constipation, which we could not rid him of....sigh..

If I was more in control of my mind, and not financially stressed out, if I was thinking normally, I would not have given him so many treats... but he was being so good to me, when I needed love, that I wanted to somehow reward him for his love...

Ok.. just trying to appease myself.. I was stressed out about financial issues. Dealing with Artie, was making me psychologically worse.. I could not relax.. I could not even think strait, of how to help him.. my mind was mush....That is where the guilt comes in... Was it me? did I cause this?

Do I need more time alone? or has it been TOO much time alone?
Too much time, thinking.. worrying.. not enough laughter and love...

And with the adoption person, "T"... that just put me into a downward spiral.. and the doubts came back.. honestly, I was doing better.. I was going to wait until the right cat came up.. but now I think, it is time..By having this conversation with T, I think Artie, or my dad, is telling me it is time... kind of to prove them wrong.. and to start over... and do things better...

Not knowing where I will live next year, and if cats will be allowed.. is a major stressor. I was hoping I could hold out, but I do not think I can be alone..

Whenever I adopt, my cat will be designated an ESA... I just need to find a place which will not discriminate against that. There is one apartment building, which I heard, from a tenant that they will accept and ESA for one year, when it comes time for lease renewal, they refuse to renew. They want the building completely pet free....

anyway..

Thank you all.. I needed a plan...and I am rambling..to all of you.. sorry...

hijacking my own thread..

Cindy: A few resources you might find helpful:

bostonapartments.com
bostonforrent.com
mass.gov/service-details/affordable-units-for-rent
phinneys.org (Phinney's Friends, 1.617.979.8705) (assists low-income people to pay expenses for their beloved animal family members. Also has volunteer opportunities. They're in Lincoln, MA)
zumper.com
apartments.com
zillow.com
apartmentfinder.com
mspca.org.pet-resources/finding-a-pet-friendly-apartment (lots of links)

These are just a few from my google search.

 

[LTS3]

I adopted Emma from here: Get to know Guardian Angels Cat Rescue, Inc. They usually have a "meet and greet" at the Especially Pets store in Wayland on Saturdays. The pet store web site has been updated and no longer lists store events but you can contact them or the rescue for more info.

This one is closer but it looks like they're just a bunch of foster homes: Home - The Cat Connection

Don't forget the Animal Rescue League.

And this one: Home - Gifford Cat Shelter It's a large home that's been made into a cat shelter.

Cindy: A few resources you might find helpful:
.

The problem is that the area is ridiculously expensive. I believe Cindy is on a waiting list for senior housing but it may be years before she gets something. "Affordable housing" options do exist but they're done by lottery and for like 100 or so "affordable" units in a building, there are a few thousand applicants. Apartments in privately owned homes (two and three family houses) do exist but they're at least 2 bedrooms and utilities may be separate. I don't think Cindy is interested in finding a roommate(s) to split the costs with.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I adopted Emma from here: Get to know Guardian Angels Cat Rescue, Inc. They usually have a "meet and greet" at the Especially Pets store in Wayland on Saturdays. The pet store web site has been updated and no longer lists store events but you can contact them or the rescue for more info.

This one is closer but it looks like they're just a bunch of foster homes: Home - The Cat Connection

Don't forget the Animal Rescue League.

And this one: Home - Gifford Cat Shelter It's a large home that's been made into a cat shelter.



The problem is that the area is ridiculously expensive. I believe Cindy is on a waiting list for senior housing but it may be years before she gets something. "Affordable housing" options do exist but they're done by lottery and for like 100 or so "affordable" units in a building, there are a few thousand applicants. Apartments in privately owned homes (two and three family houses) do exist but they're at least 2 bedrooms and utilities may be separate. I don't think Cindy is interested in finding a roommate(s) to split the costs with.

Oh, don't I know, LTS3 -- it's the same here in L.A. Metro and has been for recorded history. My grandmother had HUD and waited, and waited, and waited for another apartment when she needed to move. A friend, likewise. It's really bad. But exploring all the options available is good, because sometimes there will be a really good place hidden among all the others, that's just right.