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Anyone Else Have Nobody

Discussion in 'The Cat Lounge' started by daisyd, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. HaLo2FrEeEk

    HaLo2FrEeEk TCS Member Young Cat

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    Mar 8, 2018
    I'm right there with you, my ex is doing the same thing. Blaming me for everything, completely bass-ackwards logic, basically implying that I'm an idiot for not seeing it sooner when she was blowing kisses at me and saying she loved me literally minutes before the breakup. Screw people like that. Honestly. I refuse to believe that I wasted any time with her, because like I said, I learned a lot about myself and grew a lot in those 2 years, I still have all that. What I did waste was the last 3 months hoping that she would realize that she'd made a dumb knee-jerk decision and was now making excuses to justify it, hoping that she'd come back, or at least stop spitting venom at me. I asked her for closure, and what I got was more blame, more venom, more anger and more excuses. No responsibility taken for her mistakes, just excuses. I realized that that is, in its own way, closure. I'm also a person, and I deserve what makes me happy. That was her, it's not any more. I'm no fool, even if she suddenly had an epiphany and came back, it would never be the same and it would fail again. I wrote her a reply wherein I corrected her assumptions about what I'm doing with my life now (all my bills are paid and I've got $2000 in the bank, I have everything I need), pointed out that all I wanted was for us to both be able to put this behind us, forgive each other, and move on. I wished her the best, told her that I will always love her and that if she ever decides she wants to talk to me, she knows how to reach me. Then I blocked her on facebook and moved the conversation thread to the archive so I wouldn't have to see it any more. I sat out in my garage in front of the heater and talked to the kitties as though they were people. I told them how I don't need that in my life, I'm doing things now that make me happy, without having to ask permission. When I make mistakes, I can reprimand myself without beating myself up, and go and try again. I talked and talked to them, and they looked at me like "ok, now shut up and pet me" lol. But truly, getting to that point and saying it out loud helped. I wish I could say it's all better, that I don't hurt at all now, but it's not that black and white. At this point I'm content, even happy with how things turned out. I didn't need that stress that never went away while we were together, there was always something one of us was doing wrong, always some argument, walking away, slamming doors, attitude, yelling. Not good. I don't need that, and I don't have that now. Now, I can focus on me, and when I'm ready, the right person will find their way into my life. For now, I have Prim and Graycie to keep my company, snuggle me, talk to me and force me to realize that there are things worth getting up and going to work for. These cats would die without me, and I'd be in pretty rough shape without them. You don't have nobody, you have yourself, and to yourself you can be everyone you need.
     

  2. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
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    YEp , I’m now 40 he’s 31 . Suppose he has been using me for last 6 years and now I’m past it hey ! Lost my baby , Familiy and marbles due to a drug I’ve never touched
     
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  3. maggiedemi

    maggiedemi TCS Member Top Cat

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    40 isn't even old. I'm older than you by 2 years. He needs to learn some manners.
     

  4. Brian007

    Brian007 Furmate and Famulus Top Cat

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    Jan 13, 2017
    Edinburgh, Scotland.
    Hey, I'm 44 next month, and eternally single, it would seem. Definitely not past it though! :banana2:
     
    maggiedemi purraised this.

  5. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
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    IM finding this so hard , before he weekend i thought we had a chance however not after what he’s done . He’s been charged and has an injunction to stay away from me , yet I’m blaming myself for all of this
     

  6. micknsnicks2mom

    micknsnicks2mom TCS Member Top Cat

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    Feb 15, 2014
    ...with the cats...
    i can understand this. i certainly don't know all the details of your situation, your relations with your ex. i do know that in my experience with my previous situation years ago, there was a...constant 'it's your fault' going on. and everything was deemed to be my fault, every single thing that ever happened or went wrong. it's taken me years to get to the point where i stop, think situations though, and then clearly and firmly tell myself that it's just not my fault. i do still almost automatically start to blame myself for things, quite often.

    something that helped me is to remember that no one person is ever to blame for everything (that goes wrong, or that happens that we don't like). it's a very convenient excuse, to have that one person to always heap the blame on. and the person doing that blaming avoids taking responsibility for their own mistakes, by doing so.
     
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  7. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
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    Thank you / have fleeting emotions- one minute I hate him and the next I miss and love him. Maybe we were never go back to who were before the baby. I’m so very lonely and not sure what to do . Regardless of everything he’s been in constant in my life for 6 years now I feel empty .
     

  8. vyger

    vyger TCS Member Alpha Cat

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    Jun 24, 2017
    Northeast Montana
    If you have never seen or read this book you should get it. It is available on Amazon and I guess there is now a third edition of it. I have the first one.
    The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

    A lot of what you are describing is what is called verbal abuse. The author of this book goes through the many techniques that abusers use. A lot of times they learned it when they were little and now use it as a means of controlling people. Once you learn what they are doing and see the patterns you can defend yourself against it. The author breaks them down into categories. Things like "reality warping" which is essentially someone saying you don't know what your talking about, what you see and hear is not what happens. And then there is "power over". Anyway, it is a very enlightening book. It brings out that most verbal abuse victims don't even realize what is going on. The abuse starts out subtle and then escalates and you don't even realize what has happened.
    I know all of this from personal experience. My former wife became more and more verbally abusive as the years went by to both me and our 3 children. And when that didn't work so good anymore she became physically abusive. I went over this book with the kids, talking about a lot of the points and it helped then to cope with abuse. Almost all the time an abuser tries to make the victim responsible for the abuse. They deserve it because they are bad in some way. This is how abusers take power and control over someone. The victim deserves it. A simple example of that is someone saying "you better not do that or your going to make me mad". To a normal person that is an expression that lets you know your annoying someone, please stop. To an abuser its them placing blame on you for them getting mad at you. They hurt you because you made them do it. You give them permission to hurt you because they can't control the anger that you spark in them. Your the bad person, they are the good person and they just gave you what you deserved. The victim is always left to believe that they deserve the abuse. This book helps you to understand that you don't deserve to be treated like a lesser person and that the abuser is the one with the problem and not you.
    For me? Well my wife kidnapped the kids and left. She actually had the nerve to go to a shelter and tell them that she was fleeing an abusive husband. In talking to the kids the workers got very confused because they told the kids that they were safe there and they didn't need to be afraid of their dad. The kids tried to tell them that she was the one they were afraid of. It took several years of really bad stuff (my dad said I should write a book about it because it was better than anything that was on TV) but she was found out and I was given custody of the kids after she was convicted of child abuse. So I know this topic inside and out. I recommend that you get a copy and read through it. It might help. There is an electronic version on Amazon

    And I have now said way more about me than I ever intended but maybe in some way it might help you.
     

  9. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    Thank you so much . I went to a housing place today as I still have a joint tenancy- the wait list is long to get a transfer and they said I could go in a hostel but without Gracie - I said no way . I could tell they were thinking she is only a cat . She is all I have and I’m all she has . She’s anxious too no way would I abandon her ! I told them to think about plan b - not going anywhere without my Gracie
     
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  10. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    And sorry you been through bad stuff too !
     
    dustydiamond1 purraised this.

  11. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    A friend come round tonight and Gracie so timid - would not move from the bedroom and even his in the wardrobe at one point ! As soon as Mate went Gracie out and about and usual self! I could never leave this cat - she needs me as Much as I need her ! They told me to put her in a sanctuary to get a place quicker - no way
     

  12. micknsnicks2mom

    micknsnicks2mom TCS Member Top Cat

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    Feb 15, 2014
    ...with the cats...
    i once had a friend tell me that, to 'just surrender my Mickey :rbheart: and Snick :rbheart: to a shelter, then go back and get them when i could'. i was shocked, and did tell her exactly what i thought of that idea -- never, not in a million years, would i ever do that.

    honestly, i can't even imagine why anyone would think it's okay to even suggest it. and for those of us who have had to...remove ourselves from a bad situation, to suggest that is simply......cold, and demonstrates a lack of understanding of how very much our cat(s) mean to us (especially) while we're adjusting to our new...circumstances. :headshake:

    you'll find the right place, for you and your Gracie! :agree:
     
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  13. Norachan

    Norachan Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    May 27, 2013
    Mount Fuji, Japan
    Of course you can't ever surrender Gracie, she's your family.

    :grouphug2:

    We all understand that.
     
    daisyd purraised this.

  14. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    Its the third week away from home - I still feel guilty as not sure if she hides under quilt whist I’m at work all day however she is eating ; pooping and she lays on her back quite a lot in the evening - I hope she’s telling me she is okay. Peace has to be better surely
     

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  15. Norachan

    Norachan Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    19,583
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    May 27, 2013
    Mount Fuji, Japan
    That looks like one happy cat to me.

    Mine spend a lot of their time sleeping under a blanket. I think they just like they extra warmth and comfort, it doesn't always mean they are scared.
     
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  16. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    THink sometimes she’s getting me at it ! I found her laid on the sofa like lady muck at 3am this morning .. when I get home from work I see a lump in the bed - sometimes she’s moving like she’s just moved under there !
     
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  17. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    SHes always showing her belly now ! Hope She telling me I did the right thing moving her with me . Him shouting at me used to scare her and she used to hide ! Hopefully she happy
     
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  18. daisyd

    daisyd Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

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    Jan 21, 2017
    London
    So update: Gracie completely settled in our halfway home little does she realise I have found us a forever home ! Yes I’ve taken a direction never thought I would and have a mortgage and we are moving into a little one bed apartment in a few weeks . I’m nervous as hell however I’ve (we - Gracie and I ) have come a long way x
     

  19. arouetta

    arouetta Slave of Bastet's acolytes Top Cat

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    Mar 31, 2016
    Yay! :bunnydance:
     
    dustydiamond1 and daisyd purraised this.

  20. Brian007

    Brian007 Furmate and Famulus Top Cat

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    Jan 13, 2017
    Edinburgh, Scotland.
    Oh wow, that's amazing news! I'm very happy for you both. :yess:
     
    dustydiamond1 and daisyd purraised this.

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