What's on your Mind Thread - 2022

[Elphaba09]

Elphaba09 I am not exactly a victim of abuse with him , he just screams at me and breaks things when he is drunk and upset . my name is on the lease and we sign it both each time we renew the lease . thank you for letting me know i could message you , i might just do that !

As others have stated, that is abuse. A lot of people think you have to be physically injured for a situation to count as being domestically violent or abusive, but that is simply not true. It is emotional and psychological abuse and a form of partner intimidation.

My ex-husband was like this when we started dating when I was 16 and did not become physically abusive until we were in our mid-30s. I came from an abusive family, so his lack of true physical abuse made me overlook everything else he did. That and the fact that no one ever told me that these behaviors were abusive.

When the physical abuse started, it was sudden and extremely violent. The first time he ever hurt me, he caused hairline fractures in my skull and choked me to unconsciousness three times. He also tried to throw me over the half-wall that led into our stairs, but he was, thankfully, too drunk and too tired from attacking me for nearly two hours that he could not get me over the edge. (I was unconscious at the time and my dead weight added to the difficulty. Sadly, I know this because my children saw him do it.)

I made excuses for him because he had gone all those years without laying a hand on me. He "only" threw things, broke things, and yelled at me. I blamed his recent increase in drinking. His stress at work. Myself. Things only got worse from there. (Being drunk/high is never an excuse for DV. People who abuse while drunk or high are still abusers and responsible for their actions.)

Please, take a look at the Power and Control Wheel image I am including. Does any of it would like your situation? I am guessing it does since you have already described some of the things listed. This is abuse.

I mean it about DMing me. If you do not feel comfortable doing that for whatever reason, please, contact any of the people here who know you. Anyone. It is not going to get better.

*This wheel uses woman-centered language because it includes the concept of male privilege and how it can be used in abusive relationships. Anyone can be a victim of abuse.

 

[strider rose]

As others have stated, that is abuse. A lot of people think you have to be physically injured for a situation to count as being domestically violent or abusive, but that is simply not true. It is emotional and psychological abuse and a form of partner intimidation.

My ex-husband was like this when we started dating when I was 16 and did not become physically abusive until we were in our mid-30s. I came from an abusive family, so his lack of true physical abuse made me overlook everything else he did. That and the fact that no one ever told me that these behaviors were abusive.

When the physical abuse started, it was sudden and extremely violent. The first time he ever hurt me, he caused hairline fractures in my skull and choked me to unconsciousness three times. He also tried to throw me over the half-wall that led into our stairs, but he was, thankfully, too drunk and too tired from attacking me for nearly two hours that he could not get me over the edge. (I was unconscious at the time and my dead weight added to the difficulty. Sadly, I know this because my children saw him do it.)

I made excuses for him because he had gone all those years without laying a hand on me. He "only" threw things, broke things, and yelled at me. I blamed his recent increase in drinking. His stress at work. Myself. Things only got worse from there. (Being drunk/high is never an excuse for DV. People who abuse while drunk or high are still abusers and responsible for their actions.)

Please, take a look at the Power and Control Wheel image I am including. Does any of it would like your situation? I am guessing it does since you have already described some of the things listed. This is abuse.

I mean it about DMing me. If you do not feel comfortable doing that for whatever reason, please, contact any of the people here who know you. Anyone. It is not going to get better.

*This wheel uses woman-centered language because it includes the concept of male privilege and how it can be used in abusive relationships. Anyone can be a victim of abuse.

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Elphaba09 thank you for this ! i have sent you a message as well

 

[furmonster mom]

... I came from an abusive family, so his lack of true physical abuse made me overlook everything else he did. That and the fact that no one ever told me that these behaviors were abusive.

This was me as well.
It took nearly a decade before I found a healthy relationship. Even after I escaped my situation, I thought it was completely normal in relationships to scream and fight. I also didn’t realize how much of that was my own built up anger coming out after so many years of suppression. Once I realized that, the road to healing began.

Eventually, I met the man I married and in 28 years I can count our fights on one hand. That’s not to say we don’t ever disagree on things, but yelling is a rarity.

Unfortunately, I have not completely escaped my first abuser, as it was a parent. However, at one point we had a very frank discussion about the past and how it affected me. I think it shocked them into re-evaluating things, because they did admit and apologize for it. Ultimately, I also realized that they had simply repeated the methods that were used with them as a child, and that they honestly didn’t have the knowledge or understanding that we have now. Still, it was another decade of slow healing on that front.

Ultimately, you have to take control for yourself. You have to create distance, and find better bonds with other people. You also have to be reflective and kind to yourself. It’s hard work at first, but gets easier with time.

 

[strider rose]

This was me as well.
It took nearly a decade before I found a healthy relationship. Even after I escaped my situation, I thought it was completely normal in relationships to scream and fight. I also didn’t realize how much of that was my own built up anger coming out after so many years of suppression. Once I realized that, the road to healing began.

Eventually, I met the man I married and in 28 years I can count our fights on one hand. That’s not to say we don’t ever disagree on things, but yelling is a rarity.

Unfortunately, I have not completely escaped my first abuser, as it was a parent. However, at one point we had a very frank discussion about the past and how it affected me. I think it shocked them into re-evaluating things, because they did admit and apologize for it. Ultimately, I also realized that they had simply repeated the methods that were used with them as a child, and that they honestly didn’t have the knowledge or understanding that we have now. Still, it was another decade of slow healing on that front.

Ultimately, you have to take control for yourself. You have to create distance, and find better bonds with other people. You also have to be reflective and kind to yourself. It’s hard work at first, but gets easier with time.

furmonster mom im sorry that you had to deal with that . i hope that you are ok now ?

 

[furmonster mom]

furmonster mom im sorry that you had to deal with that . i hope that you are ok now ?

Yes, I’m doing well.
It took me a long time because I did most of the work on my own. Resources that we have today didn’t exist for me. Public awareness of cyclic abuse is higher these days and there are many more support systems now. Today there are many groups as well as therapists who specialize in these situations. I encourage anyone in any abusive situation to get whatever help they can.

 

[Elphaba09]

This was me as well.
It took nearly a decade before I found a healthy relationship. Even after I escaped my situation, I thought it was completely normal in relationships to scream and fight. I also didn’t realize how much of that was my own built up anger coming out after so many years of suppression. Once I realized that, the road to healing began.

Eventually, I met the man I married and in 28 years I can count our fights on one hand. That’s not to say we don’t ever disagree on things, but yelling is a rarity.

Unfortunately, I have not completely escaped my first abuser, as it was a parent. However, at one point we had a very frank discussion about the past and how it affected me. I think it shocked them into re-evaluating things, because they did admit and apologize for it. Ultimately, I also realized that they had simply repeated the methods that were used with them as a child, and that they honestly didn’t have the knowledge or understanding that we have now. Still, it was another decade of slow healing on that front.

Ultimately, you have to take control for yourself. You have to create distance, and find better bonds with other people. You also have to be reflective and kind to yourself. It’s hard work at first, but gets easier with time.

It is the same with my husband now. We disagree about things, but we have never yelled at each other or said anything out of anger. If we are too upset to talk at the moment, we give each other a little space and time to calm down and talk. That has only happened twice that I can recall. (Once was a couple of weeks ago. I was not angry, but I was upset with a situation involving one of his brothers and that brother's wife.That is whole story in itself.)

My ex-husband would be completely out of our lives if he would just stay away. Both of our children and I have CPOs against him and have had them since 2013 when we were finally granted them. He found ways to delay our divorce for nearly five years. The county he lives in is known for going light on DV abusers. I was denied a CPO three times even though he caused me to become disabled. Thankfully, I moved three counties away and started the whole process again once I had been a resident for six months.He legally kidnapped our daughter in 2013 while I was trying to divorce him in the new county.

During that time, I recorded a phone call in which he made threats against me and our daughter. At one point, my daughter tried to get to the phone and he attacked her. My lawyer used that to get the CPO against him for me and our daughter. (The judge also granted one for our adult son when he filed for one.) He still travels over an hour and a half to sit in front of my house just beyond the limits of the CPO. In fact, last Wednesday, he was there for about three hours in the afternoon and two in the middle of the night. The police talked to him, but he was not technically violating any laws. (He would move or leave for a bit to avoid them trying to change him with loitering.) The chief stopped by a couple of times to sit with me. Thank goodness I live in a wonderful small village with police that actually care about such things!

My ex-husband was raised by his great-grandparents--people I deeply loved--and was very much loved and well treated. He is a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath who could charm anyone.

 

[furmonster mom]

My ex-husband was raised by his great-grandparents--people I deeply loved--and was very much loved and well treated. He is a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath who could charm anyone.

Ugh! I have one of those in my life right now. They are the hardest to combat because they create their own narrative, and nobody else sees their other side. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, but glad you found the support you need.

 

[Katie M]

Whoa, Gorbachev died.

 

[Margot Lane]

“Huh?!” is what is on my mind, after my cat took a precise not too sharp not too soft swipe at my shoulder blades to wake me up out of a sound sleep. Of course, now he’s back on the bed, fed, pooped, pilled. And annoyingly ASLEEP. But I have to thank him: the dream I was having was nice but about to turn into a nightmare…I wonder if he knew & woke me up out of it. Sometimes I think cats can bore down into the very core of our beings & know things about us we don’t.

 

[susanm9006]

“Huh?!” is what is on my mind, after my cat took a precise not too sharp not too soft swipe at my shoulder blades to wake me up out of a sound sleep. Of course, now he’s back on the bed, fed, pooped, pilled. And annoyingly ASLEEP. But I have to thank him: the dream I was having was nice but about to turn into a nightmare…I wonder if he knew & woke me up out of it. Sometimes I think cats can bore down into the very core of our beings & know things about us we don’t.

He very well may have sensed by your body language that something wasn’t quite right with your sleep. Sometimes they will also give you a little poke just to make sure you are still breathing.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Oh maybe he did notice! I could have use that help last night. I don’t remember the dream now but I remember waking up thinking how disturbing it was!

 

[Margot Lane]

Just read an article about mom cats spending their entire lives in little cages in China, breeding kittens that people then use to look cute on the internet. It’s more horrible than this, but you can read about it on Sixth Tone. Had to walk around a lot, calm myself down, and come not from a place of judgement, grief and anger. If people and gvts. are ever gonna understand one another, they have to get to the root of WHY people do what they do, which is a lot more work…but always worth the effort. (Sorry: slipping into a different forum here, just had to …grapple in my head w/ this).

 

[game misconduct]

its miserable when you want a cold shower and only hot water thats been heated all day in 100 degree temps comes out from the big industrial sized boiler

 

[game misconduct]

gf found and bought me a new bottle of obession after shave by ck yesterday which i used this morning apprently its passed the scent test by graycie since she is taking a nap next to me now after giving my face a good sniff

 

[susanm9006]

Flu shot this morning. I was hoping to get both the flu shot and the new COVID vaccine at the same time but the COVID vaccine isn’t in yet. Anyway, I will probably take it easy the rest of the day as I can get a little tired and achey from the shot.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

DH and DS have been putting together the furniture I ordered for our school space from Ikea. Mooch is here on the couch “snoopervising” so intently she didn’t even flinch when I poked her.

Yesterday she kept walking back and forth through the doorway that’s normally gated shut. We’d pushed her chair into the livingroom while we disassembled my old big desk a bit in order to get it through DD’s bedroom door. (I told DH if we ever move it again just take a saw to the sucker!!) I don’t think she approves of all the upheaval! Wait till she finds out I probably have to move her chair too so DS doesn’t spend the day petting her instead of working!

 

[susanm9006]

DH and DS have been putting together the furniture I ordered for our school space from Ikea. Mooch is here on the couch “snoopervising” so intently she didn’t even flinch when I poked her.

Yesterday she kept walking back and forth through the doorway that’s normally gated shut. We’d pushed her chair into the livingroom while we disassembled my old big desk a bit in order to get it through DD’s bedroom door. (I told DH if we ever move it again just take a saw to the sucker!!) I don’t think she approves of all the upheaval! Wait till she finds out I probably have to move her chair too so DS doesn’t spend the day petting her instead of working!

Cats definitely don’t like any kind of disruption or change!

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Cats definitely don’t like any kind of disruption or change!

Especially not lil ol ladies! Right after I posted she got up and rubbed all over DH’s rubber mallet for a minute and then got right back up on the couch.

 

[game misconduct]

gf dragged me into her favorite make up store and i discovered they sell the perfect tins to make a mini survival kit once empty of the junk(make up) inside it has a mirrored lid to signal air rescue can also hold a good pocket knife along with a magnesium flint fire starter along with a bit of line and hooks for cane pole fishing everything needed to survive in the wild

 

[vansX2]

Spent a good part of Sunday evening watching Masterpieces Season Two of "All Creatures Great and Small".