What's on your Mind Thread - 2022

[game misconduct]

That's going to be us once we can't fit J in a high chair at restaurants anymore.

your doomed

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Thats why we chose the booth seats with booster seats as much as possible. Corner em in! I had some toys saved for restaurants too. People will live if a kid acts like a kid. Because that didn't stop anyone's mouth from making noise. Like this one time we went to dinner with my mom and step-dad after church. DD needed to go potty so my mom took her. DS decided to LOUDLY declare: "I'M POTTY TRAINED MOMMY!" The pull up he was wearing said otherwise.

 

[strider rose]

im thinking about if things got worse in my marriage , where would i go and what would i do next ?

 

[Elphaba09]

im thinking about if things got worse in my marriage , where would i go and what would i do next ?

Obviously, I do not know what is going on in your marriage, but as someone who was abused and faced difficulty getting out, I have some general things to consider. No need to answer them if you do not want to,but they are things you might want to consider.

Do you have a separate bank account or other savings held where he could not get to them? If not, my advice to everyone is to have a separate account with enough money in it to help get away if you need to.If you do not, get one, or, at the very least, secret away some funds.
My first husband controlled all of our assets, put our house into foreclosure, and racked up over $80k in credit card debt that he used my information to help get. My current husband and I have three bank accounts: one for him, one for me, and a joint one. Each would only have access to the individual accounts in the case of death.

Do you have a credit card in only your name? If not, you should try to get one. Even if it is a secured card.

Do you know your credit score? You will need it if you have to get a place on your own.

Do you have friends or family that would help you? Have you discussed it with them? Would they be willing to help you and/or your pets?
I thought I had people who would be willing to help but they proved me wrong.

Do you own or rent? If you own, whose name is the house in? If you rent, are you both on the rental agreement?

Do you have a job? If not, can you get one? If not, do you have any sort of income?

Is the situation at all dangerous? Emotionally? Physically? If so,save the number for your local domestic violence shelter. Some shelters are pet friendly. Or you can contact a rescue and ask to be put in touch with a foster who would be willing to help if you needed one for your pets.

 

[kashmir64]

My mom was in a very abusive relationship. Thanks to my sister and me - who both worked in finance - we were able to help her do all the things you listed.

That is awesome advice and anyone in a relationship should use/do each and every thing you mentioned.

 

[Lari]

I will add that if you don't have a bank account, a lot require a certain amount deposited or kept in there, so you may have better luck with a credit union. They are mu h morelegit than payday loan places.

I believe a lot of lawyers will do a free consultation, so you could talk to one or two and get ideas of what might happen in the event you need to leave your marriage.

And there's The Hotline if you're in an abusive situation.

 

[Elphaba09]

I will add that if you don't have a bank account, a lot require a certain amount deposited or kept in there, so you may have better luck with a credit union. They are mu h morelegit than payday loan places.

I believe a lot of lawyers will do a free consultation, so you could talk to one or two and get ideas of what might happen in the event you need to leave your marriage.

And there's The Hotline if you're in an abusive situation.

My divorce lawyer reduced his fee in half after our initial consultation after he heard everything that was going on and everything that had happened. I will forever be grateful.

That is awesome advice and anyone in a relationship should use/do each and every thing you mentioned.

Several people who found out that my husband and I have separate accounts have made comments about how we are either "expecting" our marriage to break, how they think it shows lack of trust in him, and how they would never "let" their wife have a separate account. (He actually gave me the money to start my own account.) I did not go into my first marriage thinking it would end as it did. I do not "expect" something to happen with this one, but I will not be unprepared if something does. I trust my husband more than I have trusted anyone in my life. And, anyone who says they would not "let" their spouse or SO have a separate account is probably not someone who should be in a relationship.

 

[vansX2]

My divorce lawyer reduced his fee in half after our initial consultation after he heard everything that was going on and everything that had happened. I will forever be grateful.



Several people who found out that my husband and I have separate accounts have made comments about how we are either "expecting" our marriage to break, how they think it shows lack of trust in him, and how they would never "let" their wife have a separate account. (He actually gave me the money to start my own account.) I did not go into my first marriage thinking it would end as it did. I do not "expect" something to happen with this one, but I will not be unprepared if something does. I trust my husband more than I have trusted anyone in my life. And, anyone who says they would not "let" their spouse or SO have a separate account is probably not someone who should be in a relationship.

I've been down the marriage road a few times. I have learned some valuable lessons along my journey. I agree that having separate financial accounts is a good thing. I'm currently on 23yrs. of marriage. After the first couple of years the DW asked that she have separate Credit Cards and Separate Bank Accounts. I complied. There's now no disagreement when wants to purchase something for oneself. We do though make big purchase decisions like cars and home improvements.

 

[LTS3]

That's going to be us once we can't fit J in a high chair at restaurants anymore.

My siblings and I weren't allowed to run wild on the rare occasion we ate out. We had to sit and fidget and be completely bored unless we were squabbling with each other until the food arrived. Back then restaurants didn't have coloring pages or anything to keep kids occupied at the table. At least none of the ones we ever went to did. Mom never brought stuff to keep us occupied either. Sometimes we'd just dig through her purse to see how much junk she had inside

 

[strider rose]

Obviously, I do not know what is going on in your marriage, but as someone who was abused and faced difficulty getting out, I have some general things to consider. No need to answer them if you do not want to,but they are things you might want to consider.

Do you have a separate bank account or other savings held where he could not get to them? If not, my advice to everyone is to have a separate account with enough money in it to help get away if you need to.If you do not, get one, or, at the very least, secret away some funds.
My first husband controlled all of our assets, put our house into foreclosure, and racked up over $80k in credit card debt that he used my information to help get. My current husband and I have three bank accounts: one for him, one for me, and a joint one. Each would only have access to the individual accounts in the case of death.

Do you have a credit card in only your name? If not, you should try to get one. Even if it is a secured card.

Do you know your credit score? You will need it if you have to get a place on your own.

Do you have friends or family that would help you? Have you discussed it with them? Would they be willing to help you and/or your pets?
I thought I had people who would be willing to help but they proved me wrong.

Do you own or rent? If you own, whose name is the house in? If you rent, are you both on the rental agreement?

Do you have a job? If not, can you get one? If not, do you have any sort of income?

Is the situation at all dangerous? Emotionally? Physically? If so,save the number for your local domestic violence shelter. Some shelters are pet friendly. Or you can contact a rescue and ask to be put in touch with a foster who would be willing to help if you needed one for your pets.

Elphaba09 those are some awesome questions
lets see : we have a joint bank account, i dont have any credit cards and im disabled and can no longer work . i have an auto immune disease that i have to be some what close to a bathroom and would need to take breaks to get to the bathroom . i dont have a credit score . we rent a apartment

 

[Elphaba09]

Elphaba09 those are some awesome questions
lets see : we have a joint bank account, i dont have any credit cards and im disabled and can no longer work . i have an auto immune disease that i have to be some what close to a bathroom and would need to take breaks to get to the bathroom . i dont have a credit score . we rent a apartment

Do you get SSDI or SSI?
As Lari said, check with credit unions to see how much you need to open an account of your own. Search online for credit builder credit cards. Also, check your credit score. My ex-husband used my information without my permission. When I checked my score after I left him, it was in the 400s. If yours has used your information, you may not know it. If you know anyone who has good credit, you can technically piggyback off of their credit. They just have to add you as an authorized user to their credit card. They do not need to give you a card or access to theirs. Just putting you on it as a user will give you their entire credit history on that card. (My husband and I did this with my children and my neighbor's second oldest daughter. I will do it for Hobbit once he is older and needs a credit history to help him get started.) Is your name on the rental agreement?

You did not say if you are a DV victim, and you do not have to say either way; however, if you are, here is something that might help you. I noticed you are listed as being in Michigan. If that is the case:
Domestic & Sexual Violence
And this one:
State Resources: Michigan

This pertains to rental housing in Michigan:
Michigan Housing Laws

You are welcome to DM me whenever.

 

[susanm9006]

Wow. We had a severe weather watch on Saturday night but warning sirens never sounded. Just read in the paper that a tornado touched down just three miles from my house!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

And, anyone who says they would not "let" their spouse or SO have a separate account is probably not someone who should be in a relationship.

This is very true. My ex and I had three accounts...the household account, his account, and my account. We each deposited a set amount in the household account, and paid all bills from there. What was in our separate accounts was never questioned by the other. For big ticket items, we budgeted that, and put money into yet another account, so...yeah. We had four. One was idle most of the time. I tend to forget that one.

 

[furmonster mom]

This is very true. My ex and I had three accounts...the household account, his account, and my account. We each deposited a set amount in the household account, and paid all bills from there. What was in our separate accounts was never questioned by the other. For big ticket items, we budgeted that, and put money into yet another account, so...yeah. We had four. One was idle most of the time. I tend to forget that one.

Our setup is similar, but we stash a lot in joint savings. We use the joint account for bills and large purchases, and give ourselves a set “allowance” to our individual accounts. Basically, our individual accounts are for daily stuff like gas or lunches. We also have individual credit cards.

Hubby and I had a conversation about this early on, and for a while we did things without a joint account (we were both a little gun-shy from previous relationships). However, once we actually bought a house (with both of us on the deed), and cars, we came to the agreement that Hubby had no patience with financials. So I am the defacto CFO of the household (and business).

If, cosmos forbid, we ever decided to go separate ways, I pretty much hold the financial reins.

 

[Lari]

We have my checking and savings from before marriage that aren't getting much aded to them (mostly any birthday money I get), my husband's savings, his former checking which is now our joint account because I'm not bringing in income, and J's savings account.

The more the merrier, I guess.

 

[strider rose]

Do you get SSDI or SSI?
As Lari said, check with credit unions to see how much you need to open an account of your own. Search online for credit builder credit cards. Also, check your credit score. My ex-husband used my information without my permission. When I checked my score after I left him, it was in the 400s. If yours has used your information, you may not know it. If you know anyone who has good credit, you can technically piggyback off of their credit. They just have to add you as an authorized user to their credit card. They do not need to give you a card or access to theirs. Just putting you on it as a user will give you their entire credit history on that card. (My husband and I did this with my children and my neighbor's second oldest daughter. I will do it for Hobbit once he is older and needs a credit history to help him get started.) Is your name on the rental agreement?

You did not say if you are a DV victim, and you do not have to say either way; however, if you are, here is something that might help you. I noticed you are listed as being in Michigan. If that is the case:
Domestic & Sexual Violence
And this one:
State Resources: Michigan

This pertains to rental housing in Michigan:
Michigan Housing Laws

You are welcome to DM me whenever.

Elphaba09 I am not exactly a victim of abuse with him , he just screams at me and breaks things when he is drunk and upset . my name is on the lease and we sign it both each time we renew the lease . thank you for letting me know i could message you , i might just do that !

 

[furmonster mom]

… he just screams at me and breaks things when he is drunk and upset .

Oh hun… that is abuse. It takes a toll on your psyche.
Been there, escaped that.
Do what you can to plan your path.

 

[Lari]

Elphaba09 I am not exactly a victim of abuse with him , he just screams at me and breaks things when he is drunk and upset . my name is on the lease and we sign it both each time we renew the lease . thank you for letting me know i could message you , i might just do that !

That's abuse. Especially added to the fact that he didn't care about your opinion and feelings when he was letting the unhoused young man stay at your place.

 

[strider rose]

Lari that guy didnt stay here , i wouldnt let him in while the hubs was at work . i cant stand that guy and i dont acknowledge him if i see him in public . ... i am very careful who i let in here while hes gone . but i see what you are saying

 

[strider rose]

Oh hun… that is abuse. It takes a toll on your psyche.
Been there, escaped that.
Do what you can to plan your path.

furmonster mom im just thinking worst case scenario right now but not leaving right now