SOOO glad we therapists are helping! (my bill for $250 an hour will be there tomorrow ). Like I said - this site's kept me sane many times! And in my earlier days learning tricks from others was an ESPECIALLY huge help (who am I kidding - I STILL have days where I'm frustrated and need suggestions!!!). We're all here for you (and Heidi and your husband!).
I agree with tabbytom - you're already making strides you weren't making before (or at least didn't recognize earlier that they WERE strides!). She's absolutely feeling more comfortable. That's gotta be a good feeling! You're ticking off all of the "helping her feel safe" boxes and it looks like it's helping!!!! We've found in our years of socialization that the lower, slower, and softer with virtually everything we do (the previously noted things like being on the floor as much as possible, speaking softly, etc) all go a long way. That "mommy said this keeps me safe" sometimes sticks with them - to lessening degrees - for their lifetime. One sweet boy we TNR'd YEARS ago that is now finally pretty darn comfortable with us both (we can even pick him up) - - - but put on a big black winter coat, carry a big purse - he's off like a shot and stays very wary for about 3 or 4 hours. Then the switch flips in him that says "Oh yeah - it's you guys! Got any treats?" I used to try to "fix it" but now I figure, what can you do but laugh?
I truly think a big part of her settling in a little more now is letting her feel safe. Doing things like the "I'm on my way!" noises like tabbytom & I noted - - letting them know you're approaching is, I find, just so helpful (I've never used a bell though - - fun thought! I'm sure kitties have always found my amazingly on-key soft singing so much more enjoyable ). Surprise - and force (unless restraint is needed for meds, etc) - I've never found them to be my friend in socialization. It almost always leads them to jump straight to "flight or fight" (just remember - that's what mommy taught her that kept her alive ).
And the new space you created for her looks great! It gives her an area where she feels a bit safer - but she's not totally out of reach or sight for you. I do use a nightlight - - kitties see better then we do in the dark, but they can't totally see in darkness. So I usually find a soft nightlight helps (plus helps me not trip when I come in their room!). We also leave a tv or radio on softly - - which it sounds like you're already doing. I also think the Gerber baby food that we (most cat socializers/shelters/etc) call "kitty crack" could really also be useful in getting her more curious about you. If she's approaching your hand - I'd definitely start offering kitty crack on a long-handled spoon, with the goal being getting her to eat if from your finger. It helps cement in her brain that you ARE the queen of all things yummy! And someone may have said this already and I missed it - - but kitties often prefer to be approached with your hand (once you can get it close to her safely) at their level - less threatening - and in a fist. They can then mimic the cat-to-cat greeting of head bumping - -something kitty friends often do when they greet a friend. So offering your fist looks like an offer of kitty friendship!
The biggest thing I saw in your writing was that you were realizing you might have to adjust your thinking of what having a cat in your home would be like. Heidi will be Heidi. You can (and are!) making great strides -- but reminding yourself that you may need to adjust your expectations of her is huge. I'm VERY proud for how long you've stuck it out, and how much you're willing to soak in. I have great feelings that you'll all learn to love each other.....in the best way each of you can.
I agree with tabbytom - you're already making strides you weren't making before (or at least didn't recognize earlier that they WERE strides!). She's absolutely feeling more comfortable. That's gotta be a good feeling! You're ticking off all of the "helping her feel safe" boxes and it looks like it's helping!!!! We've found in our years of socialization that the lower, slower, and softer with virtually everything we do (the previously noted things like being on the floor as much as possible, speaking softly, etc) all go a long way. That "mommy said this keeps me safe" sometimes sticks with them - to lessening degrees - for their lifetime. One sweet boy we TNR'd YEARS ago that is now finally pretty darn comfortable with us both (we can even pick him up) - - - but put on a big black winter coat, carry a big purse - he's off like a shot and stays very wary for about 3 or 4 hours. Then the switch flips in him that says "Oh yeah - it's you guys! Got any treats?" I used to try to "fix it" but now I figure, what can you do but laugh?
I truly think a big part of her settling in a little more now is letting her feel safe. Doing things like the "I'm on my way!" noises like tabbytom & I noted - - letting them know you're approaching is, I find, just so helpful (I've never used a bell though - - fun thought! I'm sure kitties have always found my amazingly on-key soft singing so much more enjoyable ). Surprise - and force (unless restraint is needed for meds, etc) - I've never found them to be my friend in socialization. It almost always leads them to jump straight to "flight or fight" (just remember - that's what mommy taught her that kept her alive ).
And the new space you created for her looks great! It gives her an area where she feels a bit safer - but she's not totally out of reach or sight for you. I do use a nightlight - - kitties see better then we do in the dark, but they can't totally see in darkness. So I usually find a soft nightlight helps (plus helps me not trip when I come in their room!). We also leave a tv or radio on softly - - which it sounds like you're already doing. I also think the Gerber baby food that we (most cat socializers/shelters/etc) call "kitty crack" could really also be useful in getting her more curious about you. If she's approaching your hand - I'd definitely start offering kitty crack on a long-handled spoon, with the goal being getting her to eat if from your finger. It helps cement in her brain that you ARE the queen of all things yummy! And someone may have said this already and I missed it - - but kitties often prefer to be approached with your hand (once you can get it close to her safely) at their level - less threatening - and in a fist. They can then mimic the cat-to-cat greeting of head bumping - -something kitty friends often do when they greet a friend. So offering your fist looks like an offer of kitty friendship!
The biggest thing I saw in your writing was that you were realizing you might have to adjust your thinking of what having a cat in your home would be like. Heidi will be Heidi. You can (and are!) making great strides -- but reminding yourself that you may need to adjust your expectations of her is huge. I'm VERY proud for how long you've stuck it out, and how much you're willing to soak in. I have great feelings that you'll all learn to love each other.....in the best way each of you can.