We adopted an 8-month old colony/feral cat - and are frustrated

[kittychick]

SOOO glad we therapists are helping! (my bill for $250 an hour will be there tomorrow ). Like I said - this site's kept me sane many times! And in my earlier days learning tricks from others was an ESPECIALLY huge help (who am I kidding - I STILL have days where I'm frustrated and need suggestions!!!). We're all here for you (and Heidi and your husband!).

I agree with tabbytom - you're already making strides you weren't making before (or at least didn't recognize earlier that they WERE strides!). She's absolutely feeling more comfortable. That's gotta be a good feeling! You're ticking off all of the "helping her feel safe" boxes and it looks like it's helping!!!! We've found in our years of socialization that the lower, slower, and softer with virtually everything we do (the previously noted things like being on the floor as much as possible, speaking softly, etc) all go a long way. That "mommy said this keeps me safe" sometimes sticks with them - to lessening degrees - for their lifetime. One sweet boy we TNR'd YEARS ago that is now finally pretty darn comfortable with us both (we can even pick him up) - - - but put on a big black winter coat, carry a big purse - he's off like a shot and stays very wary for about 3 or 4 hours. Then the switch flips in him that says "Oh yeah - it's you guys! Got any treats?" I used to try to "fix it" but now I figure, what can you do but laugh?

I truly think a big part of her settling in a little more now is letting her feel safe. Doing things like the "I'm on my way!" noises like tabbytom & I noted - - letting them know you're approaching is, I find, just so helpful (I've never used a bell though - - fun thought! I'm sure kitties have always found my amazingly on-key soft singing so much more enjoyable ). Surprise - and force (unless restraint is needed for meds, etc) - I've never found them to be my friend in socialization. It almost always leads them to jump straight to "flight or fight" (just remember - that's what mommy taught her that kept her alive ).

And the new space you created for her looks great! It gives her an area where she feels a bit safer - but she's not totally out of reach or sight for you. I do use a nightlight - - kitties see better then we do in the dark, but they can't totally see in darkness. So I usually find a soft nightlight helps (plus helps me not trip when I come in their room!). We also leave a tv or radio on softly - - which it sounds like you're already doing. I also think the Gerber baby food that we (most cat socializers/shelters/etc) call "kitty crack" could really also be useful in getting her more curious about you. If she's approaching your hand - I'd definitely start offering kitty crack on a long-handled spoon, with the goal being getting her to eat if from your finger. It helps cement in her brain that you ARE the queen of all things yummy! And someone may have said this already and I missed it - - but kitties often prefer to be approached with your hand (once you can get it close to her safely) at their level - less threatening - and in a fist. They can then mimic the cat-to-cat greeting of head bumping - -something kitty friends often do when they greet a friend. So offering your fist looks like an offer of kitty friendship!

The biggest thing I saw in your writing was that you were realizing you might have to adjust your thinking of what having a cat in your home would be like. Heidi will be Heidi. You can (and are!) making great strides -- but reminding yourself that you may need to adjust your expectations of her is huge. I'm VERY proud for how long you've stuck it out, and how much you're willing to soak in. I have great feelings that you'll all learn to love each other.....in the best way each of you can.

 

[Cat McCannon]

Her hiding spot has a narrow opening that allows her to see the whole room and faces the door. She is not completely exposed and can back up out of sight, or choose to peer out - which she does frequently. That's okay, isn't it, or does that potentially make her nervous? Should I block her view? I only bring this up because you mentioned the toy box not facing the door.

Do NOT block her view. Surveying her domain from her safe place builds confidence. When she's able to observe all the activity of the household, she'll figure out "Huh. All that fuss is just the humans going about their day."

If you block her view, everything will just being strange, inexplicable noise. It will make her feel small and her confidence will be sapped.

Another thing you can try- When it's time to feed Belle, I let her know it's coming to build the anticipation and excitement. We feed her when we eat so she knows that when I start cooking, she's gonna get something good. After we set the table, I call her to me. Then, I have her follow me into the dining room and tell her to jump up on the windowsill. I tell her what a good girl she is as I set her dish before her.

In the morning, I brush her and play with her. Usually, I feed her in her carrier so she's used to going in.

 

[KathyJB]

Do NOT block her view. Surveying her domain from her safe place builds confidence. When she's able to observe all the activity of the household, she'll figure out "Huh. All that fuss is just the humans going about their day."

Yes, she definitely likes to be able to check things out from her spot - and if she wants to, she can tuck herself further back and not see or be seen. The last few days she's been trying out new places to rest during the day, throughout her room, all out in the open - which is something she would never have done earlier. But she still wants to pop into her safe spot when I come in. Even after announcing myself, I sometimes catch her still "out" while I stand at the door. She freezes, looks at me, and waits to see if I am going to venture in. If I move one foot in - she moves back into her safe place.

I had to pick her up twice yesterday - to move her out of the room so we could clean up and give her a Capstar treatment - and to put her back after spending that time in the bathroom. She doesn't fight being picked up, but she actively makes herself as small and unyielding as possible. I found I could rotate her around on the tile floor to get her oriented in the best position! I thought after all that, she'd be traumatized, but within minutes of being back in her space, she was happily running around like nothing had happened. I was pleased about that.

I also think the Gerber baby food that we (most cat socializers/shelters/etc) call "kitty crack" could really also be useful in getting her more curious about you. If she's approaching your hand - I'd definitely start offering kitty crack on a long-handled spoon, with the goal being getting her to eat if from your finger.

kitties often prefer to be approached with your hand (once you can get it close to her safely) at their level - less threatening - and in a fist.

I tried the Gerber baby food yesterday. Heidi was pretty stoic and just stared at the little spoon I had taped to a long stir-frying chopstick. I'll keep offering. Also, I didn't know about using a closed hand instead of the back of my opened hand, so I've switched to that. She will not touch me, but moves ever so slightly towards my hand. I give her little crunchy cat treats and she likes them, but absolutely will not touch them if I'm there. When I turn to leave the room, yes, but if I turn around, she stops immediately.

 

[kittychick]

That's GREAT she wants to explore - even a bit!!!!!!! Before you go to her room, I'd close the other doors in the house though.

As far as the closed hand - - just offer it. If she makes even a slight move toward it, move a bit forward and reward her with a soft voice. But only move toward her slowly and leave space - let HER make the final move to a real "bump." When you watch two kitties come together, generally the kitty with the least confidence moves in & offers their head in a lowered (more vulnerable) position, and if the cat in the "higher position" 'bumps back' then the lower cat on the totem pole is welcomed. It's a sign of acceptance and friendship - - - so her moving toward your closed hand AT ALL is a BIG deal!!!

As far as the baby food - - the lengthier the "delivery vehicle" the better. Here's the amazon link for the fork we use: extendible fork . They make spoons now (which are easier). I lay on the ground, and slowly offer it while saying her name and talking slowly and gently. Then she focuses on the fact you've brought MAJOR YUMS - - -not on the fact that you've got yummy stuff but she's gotta get close to you get it. I'm able to work up to getting in closer slowly - - it's a big win to get her to eat something like that WITHOUT her feeling like she has to focus on watching you! And I've found most of the kitties I've worked with love ONLY the Sitter 2nd Foods Gerber Chicken & Gravy (attached a pic below) -- even other brand names of the same flavor are ignored (yet cicada heads are a delicacy - go figure!). Finding what she TRULY has a weakness for is a good card to hold! We had one older feral kitten who only would come near for Kentucky Fried Chicken as a a treat - skin/seasonings off and offered just as the the Gerber is - slowly and from a distance - but it worked!

You noted you had to pick her up to clean and to give her Capstar. While it sounds like she's getting better with that, in my experience, a slightly dirtier room (not litterbox - but room ) is ok (we vacuum as little as possible while socializing - often only vacuuming their room if they're at the vet, etc. - - we just try not to hold too many dinner parties in our socialization room). We only pick up the more frightened ones when absolutely necessary - until there's more trust built up. Otherwise I find they often just tense up and "tolerate it." Many kitties - from feral to totally socialized - do not like having their feet off the ground (they feel a loss of control - often setting the "trust meter" back a bit). App 70% of cats at our shelter are this way - even the loving ones, as they're in an unsure environment. In my house of 5, only 1 kitty enjoys being picked up - and even then it's on HER time! But this is MY experience - others may have different experiences, which is what's great about this site! And it sounds like you are making progress - - celebrate every bit of it!

It all comes down to gaining trust, increasing her confidence - and managing expectations. It's often a slower process then we humans would like or expect (that patience note I was given has become my mantra!), but when you finally feel her trusting you, it's ALL worth it. Keep us posted!!!!

 

[KathyJB]

As far as the baby food - - the lengthier the "delivery vehicle" the better. Here's the amazon link for the fork we use: extendible fork . They make spoons now (which are easier). I lay on the ground, and slowly offer it while saying her name and talking slowly and gently. Then she focuses on the fact you've brought MAJOR YUMS - - -not on the fact that you've got yummy stuff but she's gotta get close to you get it. I'm able to work up to getting in closer slowly - - it's a big win to get her to eat something like that WITHOUT her feeling like she has to focus on watching you! And I've found most of the kitties I've worked with love ONLY the Sitter 2nd Foods Gerber Chicken & Gravy

I made a longer delivery vehicle, using an extendable wand that normally has a cat toy on the end of it. We have two -- and the toy attachments have a little bell on it, so that is what I rattle before entering the room. I used the other wand (removed the toy) and taped the spoon to that. Much longer than a big chopstick. Yes, I am using the famous "kitty crack" Gerber food. (Funny to go through the checkout line at the grocery store and plunk down two jars of baby food. It got the attention of the woman in front of me, who was buying a bottle of wine and a baguette.)

While Heidi was not interested yesterday, she took the "bait" today. Big time. She prefers having the spoon near the ground instead of hovering in front of her nose. I think I gave her 3 spoonsful (tiny demitasse spoon), and then brought in her regular morning meal. When I went back later to praise her, I offered my fist and this time lunged towards it ... probably thinking I might have more yumminess? How long should I keep my distance with the spoon? For now she is still inside her corner space. I think I need to try to coax her out of there before trying to get her closer to me. I notice also that when I scratch the top of her head, which she allows, she makes a tiny sound. I often wondered if she would ever make a noise - and this was the first time I'd heard anything. I don't know if it indicates distress or something else.

Last night I removed the squiggly worm toy from the other wand, and left it in the room for her to play with. She jumped all over it, and it has the bell attached. This morning after she ate, I heard her playing with it again. Sweet! I imagine she will associate the bell with play and me.

 

[KathyJB]

Oh, and ---

You noted you had to pick her up to clean and to give her Capstar. While it sounds like she's getting better with that, in my experience, a slightly dirtier room (not litterbox - but room ) is ok (we vacuum as little as possible while socializing - often only vacuuming their room if they're at the vet, etc. - - we just try not to hold too many dinner parties in our socialization room).

We wanted to completely vacuum everything in the room, and remove / wash anything machine washable to make sure we caught any flea eggs that might be there. We only gave her a half Capstar and I saw a total of 3 dead (or dying) fleas. I truly thought there would be more. I am thinking maybe one more whole Capstar, followed by a topical treatment the following day? She will tolerate sitting in my lap and I was able to comb her a little after the first Capstar - and got one flea from her head. I'm a little nervous about all my shelves of sewing fabric, etc. and only hope there are no fleas hiding in there. I'm glad there are no dinner parties in your room!

 

[tabbytom]

Last night I removed the squiggly worm toy from the other wand, and left it in the room for her to play with. She jumped all over it, and it has the bell attached. This morning after she ate, I heard her playing with it again. Sweet! I imagine she will associate the bell with play and me.

Think you are making good progress here. The answer to your question on how long to keep your distance with the spoon is to read her body language. If she's comfortable with the feeding, slowly shorten the spoon.

Letting you pet her head is a good sign and also sitting on on lap is also a good sign. I think she's getting warmed up and she meowed.

Vacuuming the room may not be good idea as she is settling in. The loud noise from the vacuum may send her back you square one once again and this time probably will be harder to get her to come out.

Wait and see what others will reply regarding the Capstar and topical treatment and getting rid of the rest of the fleas if there are any left to deal with.

 

[KathyJB]

Vacuuming the room may not be good idea as she is settling in. The loud noise from the vacuum may send her back you square one once again and this time probably will be harder to get her to come out.

Oh, we moved her out of her room and put her into the bathroom first. And whenever I vacuum not far from her safe space, I make sure to close all doors between her and the vacuum noise. After all that - being moved out and back in, and having a scratching good time with Capstar, she did better than I expected. I thought she'd stay hidden for a few hours, but she was out and about as soon as she returned to her clean room.

 

[kittychick]

I think you're making some BIG strides!!! I hope you feel it too!!!! I know personally how SUPER hard it is to pull back and let them do more on their own time - and how hard it is to not scoop them up or pet even if they don't want it. But I think you're seeing the results of alot of the suggestions here - - and the results of using your own senses of her mindset, taking into consideration the advice you've read. Feel REALLY good about the strides you've made here recently!!!!

Fleas suck (literally and figuratively!) - we've been there!!!! - but I'd definitely still keep anything concerning for her as same day-to-day a possible. I know fleas throw a monkey wrench into plans (and obv you have to tend to that asap) - - but in my experience, the least amount of moving her around from room to room, etc. I've had kitties take a BIG step back socially bc we simply changed a cat tree in the socialization area. All these years and socializations later - now I know I wouldn't do that again.

As far as the amount and frequency of Capstar - - - make sure you've read carefully about a cat her size. More Capstar won't necessarily be better - it can be toxic if overdone. So just double check before you give more (you sound like you research things - so I'm sure you know - but def on of those "better safe then sorry" situations!

And I'm THRILLED she's loving the "Kitty crack"! I shorten the "delivery system" very slowly (and it changes depending on the kitty) - - I'd stay at the furthest distance for a few days, then shorten it a bit to see if she still comes forward quickly for it. In other words - I don't shorten until I truly see only excitement and no hesitation about coming for the kitty crack.

Just keep going SLOW. Any progress you make - I think it's best to live in that space for a bit (as in days). You can come closer soon - - -but slowly lets her know you respect her space and that she's not going to be surprised by a new move every day.

Keep going!!!!!!

 

[KathyJB]

Big step today - at least it feels big to me! After Heidi's morning Gerber spoon-feeding (which is going well, but she is still staying in her safe spot for now - no venturing out yet), and after she ate her regular morning meal, I watched her on camera. She was actively playing with two toys in the room... one a squiggly worm that has a bell on it; I could hear the bell from the other room. I had another squiggly worm on a wand, so I went into her room to play with her. Of course while I'm there, she stays in her safe corner. I wiggled the wand around within her sight and into her corner. After a few minutes of this, I brought in the bag of cat treats. It's makes a crinkly noise, and I know that our outside cat is aware of just what that sound means. I've been giving Heidi treats from that bag as well. She always eats the treat (5 little pieces) after I set them down and leave the room.

Today, I offered her my fist, and turned it over to reveal the treats in my hand. I set them down. And she ate them. With me right there! So I tried a few more, and offered them in open hand on my fingers. She wouldn't take them from me directly. I set those down as well, but kept my hand right next to the treats. She ATE THOSE TOO (the treats, not my hand - LOL). My heart was pounding!

 

[tabbytom]

Today, I offered her my fist, and turned it over to reveal the treats in my hand. I set them down. And she ate them. With me right there! So I tried a few more, and offered them in open hand on my fingers. She wouldn't take them from me directly. I set those down as well, but kept my hand right next to the treats. She ATE THOSE TOO (the treats, not my hand - LOL). My heart was pounding!

Both of you are doing great!

 

[Tobermory]

Yay! Baby step can be so exciting! Once, during the third week I had Mocha when I still couldn’t pet her, she gently took a treat from my fingers. I had to stop myself from dancing a jig. Four and a half years later and it’s never happened again. Oh she loves treats and will rub all over my fingers and rub on the treats themselves, but she won’t take them. Silly girl.

 

[KathyJB]

Stunned. That's all I can say! I have all of my sewing materials in the room where Heidi stays. I had to lay a quilt out on my cutting table. So I warned Heidi I was coming in. We'd had a little treat and play session earlier. I started working on my quilt while talking to her. She she jumped out from her hiding corner, and came towards me... I almost didn't know what to do! Was she going to attack me? What was she doing? I squatted down, and she came over to me, quickly rubbed her head on my knee, and went back to her corner! Holy moly!!

 

[KathyJB]

I've linked to a Nest camera 2-minute clip of the encounter (I hope this is okay). Maybe someone can interpret Heidi's behavior. :-)

At first it looked like she wanted to get past me... I thought maybe she wanted to get to her water bowl. She hissed a little one time as well. I was just blown away by the whole thing and could hardly think straight. I just didn't want to scare her. Sorry for the mess of the room - combination sewing/cat/guest room. My shirt (with my smells) is on the chair and I had just put a mirror in front of the television this morning because she seemed to always be looking at her reflection in the screen. I left the room, but first put away the pincushion. I need to go back in and keep working. I wonder what she'll do next?

Heidi!!

 

[Furballsmom]

Just look at that happy tail she has (at least most of that time until she scared herself a little bit with her own boldness and wanting to love on you so badly! What an absolute dollbaby of a cat, and you were perfect

Oh by the way, that isn't a messy room at all

 

[KathyJB]

Just look at that happy tail she has (at least most of that time until she scared herself a little bit with her own boldness and wanting to love on you so badly! What an absolute dollbaby of a cat, and you were perfect

I went back in and she came out again. Just rubbing and rubbing against my legs now. She let me scratch her head and rub her body a bit but then gave me a hiss, so I have backed off. She can just rub all she wants. NOW she's laying on the 100+ -year-old quilt on the table!!! I need to get her one of her own. The funny thing is that the leg-rubbing makes me moderately nervous, because that's what our outside cat does - except he then bites and grabs my leg. The more he rubs, the more likely that is to happen. I sure hope Heidi doesn't have that habit. I'm doing my best to remain calm and not scare her. It's been quite a day. Thanks for the re-enforcement.

 

[Furballsmom]

NOW she's laying on the 100+ -year-old quilt on the table!!!

...little smarty-pants LOL she knows what's good

 

[Tobermory]

Awww. This is wonderful! Her body language—hesitant but wanting to trust—and your patience and soft voice. Just perfect. Made me smile.

Mocha has a habit of lying on my grandmother’s 80-year-old quilt. Oh, well.

 

[tabbytom]

Stunned. That's all I can say! I have all of my sewing materials in the room where Heidi stays. I had to lay a quilt out on my cutting table. So I warned Heidi I was coming in. We'd had a little treat and play session earlier. I started working on my quilt while talking to her. She she jumped out from her hiding corner, and came towards me... I almost didn't know what to do! Was she going to attack me? What was she doing? I squatted down, and she came over to me, quickly rubbed her head on my knee, and went back to her corner! Holy moly!!

This is a very good progress. Heidi is checking you out and marking her scents on you and at the same time telling you that she is the boss.

Whenever you are in the room, always keep talking to her. If she approaches you, bend towards her and form your hand into a fist and present it to her and at the same time, squat down. This way is not intimidating to her and let her head butt your fist and at the same time, pet her with your fist around her face gently. This way is a two way communication.

Always praise her for doing the right thing like when she comes out to greet you or rub on you. Also have a toy ready so that you can play with her or distract her just incase her leg rubbing turns into an attack which is your concern. They can be over stimulated even though if they are rubbing on you.

And don't forget the all important slow eye blinks.

 

[dahlia]

I teared up a bit watching the video. Such a big step for her. You did great.