Venting....

Lari

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It's definitely best not to get involved. It does sound like your niece does have reasons not to trust him, on top of her own trauma from her father, and it would likely be best if she left him, but that would have to be something she'd have to decide on her own.

He's not using your car ever, right? If he is out drinking and driving, it shouldn't be under your insurance.
 
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terestrife

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It's definitely best not to get involved. It does sound like your niece does have reasons not to trust him, on top of her own trauma from her father, and it would likely be best if she left him, but that would have to be something she'd have to decide on her own.

He's not using your car ever, right? If he is out drinking and driving, it shouldn't be under your insurance.
No, he has never used my car. I've lent my nieces/ sister my car, and i tell them and their partner that the guy cannot drive my car. Every single time they've ever asked for it. Very few people are allowed to drive my car.

I feel for my niece and pray for her happiness. Just gets stressful to deal with her sometimes. It's 1 am and she's arguing with him about their toilet. :cloudy: i used to feel worthless because guys weren't interested in me. Lol i think i should be counting my blessings.

Note: i know there are plenty of wonderful guys out there. Just used to seeing unhealthy relationships.
 

maggiedemi

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Unfortunately a lot of guys have a wandering eye, even the ones that seem goodhearted. It seems like they are always looking for something or someone "better" than what they have. It's hard to trust, but I hope I would never have to spy on a guy like your niece does. Probably best to just wait for a guy you don't have to spy on.
 

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There's definitely something to be said for staying single. You never have to listen to crap like "You don't spend enough time with me." or "You're always paying attention to those Cats, we should go somewhere just us without them."
 
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terestrife

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Unfortunately a lot of guys have a wandering eye, even the ones that seem goodhearted. It seems like they are always looking for something or someone "better" than what they have. It's hard to trust, but I hope I would never have to spy on a guy like your niece does. Probably best to just wait for a guy you don't have to spy on.
I know i agree. I do hope he doesn't do that to her. But i doubt she'll leave him as they have a son together. I hope they both mature and are happy. Personally i couldn't take spying on a guy. I just try to wish positive things for my family.

There's definitely something to be said for staying single. You never have to listen to crap like "You don't spend enough time with me." or "You're always paying attention to those Cats, we should go somewhere just us without them."
I've gotten complaints about my cats in the two places I've lived at. Id rather be alone than be with a guy whining about them. Lol my brother still complains about my cats and i haven't lived there in over a year.
 

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I just had to. I rarely talk to my sister on the phone anymore. My family gets way too involved in each other's problems. I find it's easier on my mental health when I avoid dealing with family drama.
In my Faith we are directed not to gossip or get involved in gossip. What's going on in your family isn't gossip, strictly speaking, but it kind of is, because it's involving talking about people behind their backs. You are absolutely right to say what you said and to stay out of it, for your own sanity and wellbeing as well as for them. Their interpersonal relationships are theirs to deal with, not yours. But I know that in these times especially, people are desperate to talk to others and a lot of the time, talking centers on problems. We all have them, and all the more in these times! They need to solve theirs, though, and common sense should be their guide.
I didn't even know my ex was going to leave me until he told me! Our relationship had deteriorated badly by that time and had been on the rocks for some time; but I just didn't think about it. When he did tell me, I happened upon a prescription bottle of his girlfriend's when I was cleaning his bathroom. I did not go looking in his stuff or spying on him. But I then asked him if there was someone else, and when he said there was, I responded, "I know who it is." He had been spending most of his time either at work or "away," but I just wasn't of a suspicious mind. I hope for your family's sake that this is not going on, but if it is, it is, and that, too, could be a catalyst that leads to better things. You never know.
Here in So Cali we have fires every year. There used to be "fire season" which basically started around the end of September, I think; now, with climate change and drought, fires can occur at any time. Some of them are started by lightning strikes in forest areas; some, by auto accidents along roadsides where there is dry brush; some are arson-caused. If you google this you'll see the Lake Fire and the Ranch Fire (yes, they give them names now) and we are between the two. There are many others right now as well, all over CA and in other states.
 

Lari

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I know i agree. I do hope he doesn't do that to her. But i doubt she'll leave him as they have a son together. I hope they both mature and are happy. Personally i couldn't take spying on a guy. I just try to wish positive things for my family.
It's definitely harder to make a clean break once kids are involved. Even if you move into new relationships, you more than likely are still going to have to co-parent.

I'm glad he's not using your car! I'm pretty picky about who I'll allow to drive mine, too.
 

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I know i agree. I do hope he doesn't do that to her. But i doubt she'll leave him as they have a son together. I hope they both mature and are happy. Personally i couldn't take spying on a guy. I just try to wish positive things for my family.
That doesn't mean much. If someone is bad enough to inspire the need to get away from them are they going to be the best idea for helping raise a child? A good friend of mine had a son with someone who was bi-polar, she was fine when she was taking her meds but after a year or so she kept falling into the pit of "I feel fine now, I can stop taking them" and each time it would get worse than the last. Eventually he left and took his son with him because it was a bad environment.

My sister, on the other hand, has been with the same worthless deadbeat for the past 8 years or so. She won't leave because "the kids need their father", even though he does nothing for them. I'm not going to go into detail but one of the highlights of just what a piece of trash he is, is refusing to watch the kids, not even when she does grocery shopping, even though he sits on his ass and does nothing but sleep, play games, and watch TV. I am saddened to think of how bad those kids are likely to turn out with parents like that.

I've gotten complaints about my cats in the two places I've lived at. Id rather be alone than be with a guy whining about them. Lol my brother still complains about my cats and i haven't lived there in over a year.
If I ever end up with a roommate or something and they complain about my Cats, my response would be along the lines of, "My Cats are more important than you are."
 

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That doesn't mean much. If someone is bad enough to inspire the need to get away from them are they going to be the best idea for helping raise a child? A good friend of mine had a son with someone who was bi-polar, she was fine when she was taking her meds but after a year or so she kept falling into the pit of "I feel fine now, I can stop taking them" and each time it would get worse than the last. Eventually he left and took his son with him because it was a bad environment.

My sister, on the other hand, has been with the same worthless deadbeat for the past 8 years or so. She won't leave because "the kids need their father", even though he does nothing for them. I'm not going to go into detail but one of the highlights of just what a piece of trash he is, is refusing to watch the kids, not even when she does grocery shopping, even though he sits on his ass and does nothing but sleep, play games, and watch TV. I am saddened to think of how bad those kids are likely to turn out with parents like that.



If I ever end up with a roommate or something and they complain about my Cats, my response would be along the lines of, "My Cats are more important than you are."
Roommates like that would be ex-roommates faster than they could turn around.
 
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terestrife

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In my Faith we are directed not to gossip or get involved in gossip. What's going on in your family isn't gossip, strictly speaking, but it kind of is, because it's involving talking about people behind their backs. You are absolutely right to say what you said and to stay out of it, for your own sanity and wellbeing as well as for them. Their interpersonal relationships are theirs to deal with, not yours. But I know that in these times especially, people are desperate to talk to others and a lot of the time, talking centers on problems. We all have them, and all the more in these times! They need to solve theirs, though, and common sense should be their guide.
I didn't even know my ex was going to leave me until he told me! Our relationship had deteriorated badly by that time and had been on the rocks for some time; but I just didn't think about it. When he did tell me, I happened upon a prescription bottle of his girlfriend's when I was cleaning his bathroom. I did not go looking in his stuff or spying on him. But I then asked him if there was someone else, and when he said there was, I responded, "I know who it is." He had been spending most of his time either at work or "away," but I just wasn't of a suspicious mind. I hope for your family's sake that this is not going on, but if it is, it is, and that, too, could be a catalyst that leads to better things. You never know.
Here in So Cali we have fires every year. There used to be "fire season" which basically started around the end of September, I think; now, with climate change and drought, fires can occur at any time. Some of them are started by lightning strikes in forest areas; some, by auto accidents along roadsides where there is dry brush; some are arson-caused. If you google this you'll see the Lake Fire and the Ranch Fire (yes, they give them names now) and we are between the two. There are many others right now as well, all over CA and in other states.
I agree, i would never reject someone who just needs someone to listen to them. In this forum i have shared so much of myself, and it feels great to feel like there are people listening and that care.I've just gotten to the point that i dont want to be too involved, and dont want to be used to spy on peoples partners lol.

I dont know how people can live a lie like that, and only care about themselves. It sickens me that you're ex found a new GF and then decided to tell you once he had someone set up. Some people only care about themselves.

Just looked up the fires you mentioned. How devastating that peoples homes are being ruined. :sigh:

It's definitely harder to make a clean break once kids are involved. Even if you move into new relationships, you more than likely are still going to have to co-parent.

I'm glad he's not using your car! I'm pretty picky about who I'll allow to drive mine, too.
I know. I have seen family stay in destructive relationships just because they have kids. My mom was a strong enough woman and left my father who was cheating on her. She was such a different person afterwards. She seemed more at peace, and happy. I was 5 at the time and still remember how she changed. Staying in an unhealthy relationship tears you down.

My mom had 5 children, so it wasnt an easy decision to make.

That doesn't mean much. If someone is bad enough to inspire the need to get away from them are they going to be the best idea for helping raise a child? A good friend of mine had a son with someone who was bi-polar, she was fine when she was taking her meds but after a year or so she kept falling into the pit of "I feel fine now, I can stop taking them" and each time it would get worse than the last. Eventually he left and took his son with him because it was a bad environment.

My sister, on the other hand, has been with the same worthless deadbeat for the past 8 years or so. She won't leave because "the kids need their father", even though he does nothing for them. I'm not going to go into detail but one of the highlights of just what a piece of trash he is, is refusing to watch the kids, not even when she does grocery shopping, even though he sits on his ass and does nothing but sleep, play games, and watch TV. I am saddened to think of how bad those kids are likely to turn out with parents like that.



If I ever end up with a roommate or something and they complain about my Cats, my response would be along the lines of, "My Cats are more important than you are."
How scary that people get off meds that help with their mental state, especially when they have kids. :sigh:

I feel for your sister. People think they are sacrificing for their kids. But instead the kids are seeing their father ignore them. I pray that doesnt mentally damage them long term. Most people can trace back to their childhood mental health issues they have as an adult.

My brother stayed in a relationship where he and his wife cheated, and would constantly separate "for the kids." She just didnt want to work, but he wanted to be there for the kids. I worry how this will affect them in the future. For now his kids are in their teens, and i dont see them doing bad things. But the kids also had my mom as an influence. They would stay with us for months at a time.

As i posted above, my mom divorced when i was 5 years old. She was so happy afterwards. Even though it was painful for me that my father wasnt around much, it was peaceful to not hear the constant screaming.

Anyway, i do hope my niece makes the best decision she can for herself. Whatever that may be.
 
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terestrife

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Everyone, I have good news about my health. Just spoke to my gyno, they still havent found cancer, and they didnt even find any hyperplasia (the pre-cancerous cells). :banana1::banana2: My lining is still thick and i have polyps. They are worried the hyperplasia can be hiding within the polyps. So he wants me to take the medicine for 4 more months just to be sure everything is gone. If i still have polyps at that time, then we'll have to do the biopsy under anesthesia to remove and test them. He says if i am clear after 4 months, he will put me on another medicine that isnt as strong as the one i am on.

I am excited, the last biopsy he told me the cells were being persistent and weren't going back to normal. He sounded excited when he was telling me the good news. :touched:So, for now i wont be needing a hysterectomy. :woo::heartshape:
 

tarasgirl06

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Everyone, I have good news about my health. Just spoke to my gyno, they still havent found cancer, and they didnt even find any hyperplasia (the pre-cancerous cells). :banana1::banana2: My lining is still thick and i have polyps. They are worried the hyperplasia can be hiding within the polyps. So he wants me to take the medicine for 4 more months just to be sure everything is gone. If i still have polyps at that time, then we'll have to do the biopsy under anesthesia to remove and test them. He says if i am clear after 4 months, he will put me on another medicine that isnt as strong as the one i am on.

I am excited, the last biopsy he told me the cells were being persistent and weren't going back to normal. He sounded excited when he was telling me the good news. :touched:So, for now i wont be needing a hysterectomy. :woo::heartshape:
Oh, that is very good news, terestrife terestrife and I am so glad for you. May you triumph over this adversity completely. You absolutely deserve it.
Just to clarify, the girlfriend is my ex's high school/college girlfriend. He cheated on her back then, so she knows his track record; but she welcomed him back, and I am honestly happy for them. I told him he should have stayed with her all along. His first ex and I were steps on the way back to the one he is meant to be with, I believe. I wish them only the best. I just wish so many of my loved ones did not have to be separated from me, and I from them. That, I cannot forgive him for.
 

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How scary that people get off meds that help with their mental state, especially when they have kids. :sigh:

I feel for your sister. People think they are sacrificing for their kids. But instead the kids are seeing their father ignore them. I pray that doesnt mentally damage them long term. Most people can trace back to their childhood mental health issues they have as an adult.

My brother stayed in a relationship where he and his wife cheated, and would constantly separate "for the kids." She just didnt want to work, but he wanted to be there for the kids. I worry how this will affect them in the future. For now his kids are in their teens, and i dont see them doing bad things. But the kids also had my mom as an influence. They would stay with us for months at a time.

As i posted above, my mom divorced when i was 5 years old. She was so happy afterwards. Even though it was painful for me that my father wasnt around much, it was peaceful to not hear the constant screaming.

Anyway, i do hope my niece makes the best decision she can for herself. Whatever that may be.
I have no pity for her, she chose that life despite having many opportunities to get out of it. As far as I'm concerned whatever she gets she deserves, it's just sad that the kids are going to suffer for it. And really they already are, they see him sit around all day watching TV, gaming, taking naps, and being waited on hand and foot by my idiot sister and think that's normal.

I hope your niece manages to pull it together before it's too late for her child.
 

tarasgirl06

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There are people are or who become strong, and there are weak people. Some people think weak people have it made -- no work, no responsbilities, no conscience, seemingly.
But in fact, they are already in hell. And some day, if not already, that will come home to them. A good, happy life is one that involves caring for and about others. THAT involves taking personal responsibility.
 
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terestrife

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Oh, that is very good news, terestrife terestrife and I am so glad for you. May you triumph over this adversity completely. You absolutely deserve it.
Just to clarify, the girlfriend is my ex's high school/college girlfriend. He cheated on her back then, so she knows his track record; but she welcomed him back, and I am honestly happy for them. I told him he should have stayed with her all along. His first ex and I were steps on the way back to the one he is meant to be with, I believe. I wish them only the best. I just wish so many of my loved ones did not have to be separated from me, and I from them. That, I cannot forgive him for.
I am very relieved. I barely slept last night knowing i would get my results today. So it's a big relief. :heartshape:

I hope things work out for your ex. But if he cheated on her, and then on you, that means its a cycle. That means that he isnt willing to change and be a better person for his partner. But i guess thats for him and his gf to figure out. I'm sorry you have to be separated from the people you care about. I know how painful that can be. i know its not the same, but I have blood relatives that i am separated from, and they don't care about reconnecting.

I have no pity for her, she chose that life despite having many opportunities to get out of it. As far as I'm concerned whatever she gets she deserves, it's just sad that the kids are going to suffer for it. And really they already are, they see him sit around all day watching TV, gaming, taking naps, and being waited on hand and foot by my idiot sister and think that's normal.

I hope your niece manages to pull it together before it's too late for her child.
It always makes me sad when i hear about kids not having a good childhood. :frown: I really hope their childhood doesnt affect them and they can grow to have great futures. :vibes::heartshape:

Regardless, i'm sorry you are going through that. I know you said you dont have pity for her, but i know it must still be painful for you to see what became of her life. Its never easy seeing a loved one choose to be unhappy when they have the choice to change their circumstances. I hope one day she finds the strength to choose to be happy for herself, and her children.

strong, and there are weak people. Some people think weak people have it made -- no work, no responsbilities, no conscience, seemingly.
But in fact, they are already in hell. And some day, if not already, that will come home to them. A good, happy life is one that involves caring for and about others. THAT in
I completely agree. Whats sad is that people like that bring down the people around them. They are so miserable, they want the ones that care for them to be miserable too. Thats what is truly unforgivable to me.
 

tarasgirl06

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I am very relieved. I barely slept last night knowing i would get my results today. So it's a big relief. :heartshape:

I hope things work out for your ex. But if he cheated on her, and then on you, that means its a cycle. That means that he isnt willing to change and be a better person for his partner. But i guess thats for him and his gf to figure out. I'm sorry you have to be separated from the people you care about. I know how painful that can be. i know its not the same, but I have blood relatives that i am separated from, and they don't care about reconnecting.



It always makes me sad when i hear about kids not having a good childhood. :frown: I really hope their childhood doesnt affect them and they can grow to have great futures. :vibes::heartshape:

Regardless, i'm sorry you are going through that. I know you said you dont have pity for her, but i know it must still be painful for you to see what became of her life. Its never easy seeing a loved one choose to be unhappy when they have the choice to change their circumstances. I hope one day she finds the strength to choose to be happy for herself, and her children.



I completely agree. Whats sad is that people like that bring down the people around them. They are so miserable, they want the ones that care for them to be miserable too. Thats what is truly unforgivable to me.
There comes a time in some of our lives when we must disengage from those who are destructive to us. I have had to do this with several people I have cared a lot about. Because I care about my beloved feline family members and myself more.
Those I was separated from are cats, not humans.
And yes, that is unforgivable. I run far and fast from situations like that when I am able. When I am not able, I strategize to be able to MAKE myself able. I have had to estrange myself from my mother's family after several members were extremely destructive to me. I regret not having their support and love; I do not regret my own actions, which were for my and my loved ones' survival and wellbeing.
As for my ex, you're right. It's completely out of my sphere of responsibility. They are both older than I am and they can make their own decisions. Yes, it is a pattern with him, as in reality it is with most males and a lot of females. People are people. I didn't mind him reconnecting with her. I told him so. All I wanted was to keep our place and keep my loved ones together. He refused.
 

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It always makes me sad when i hear about kids not having a good childhood. :frown: I really hope their childhood doesnt affect them and they can grow to have great futures. :vibes::heartshape:

Regardless, i'm sorry you are going through that. I know you said you dont have pity for her, but i know it must still be painful for you to see what became of her life. Its never easy seeing a loved one choose to be unhappy when they have the choice to change their circumstances. I hope one day she finds the strength to choose to be happy for herself, and her children.
Unfortunately they're (I think) 8 and 9 and have no concept of consequences aside from "time out", which means nothing.

Honestly? It's really not painful at all. My parents and me all tried to help her but she didn't want help, she just wanted to be enabled. Once I realized that "family" is just a word it was a lot easier to let go.
 
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terestrife

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YAY!!!! I'm so glad to hear the cells look better. Fingers crossed there's nothing in the polyps and after four months you'll be clear for a gentler medicine!
Thank you! :heartshape:

I was so certain i would get bad news, that i didnt sleep last night. Kept having nightmares that i was talking to the doctor. I feel very blessed. :redheartpump:

There comes a time in some of our lives when we must disengage from those who are destructive to us. I have had to do this with several people I have cared a lot about. Because I care about my beloved feline family members and myself more.
Those I was separated from are cats, not humans.
And yes, that is unforgivable. I run far and fast from situations like that when I am able. When I am not able, I strategize to be able to MAKE myself able. I have had to estrange myself from my mother's family after several members were extremely destructive to me. I regret not having their support and love; I do not regret my own actions, which were for my and my loved ones' survival and wellbeing.
As for my ex, you're right. It's completely out of my sphere of responsibility. They are both older than I am and they can make their own decisions. Yes, it is a pattern with him, as in reality it is with most males and a lot of females. People are people. I didn't mind him reconnecting with her. I told him so. All I wanted was to keep our place and keep my loved ones together. He refused.
Any kind of separation or loss is incredibly difficult. But we are so very blessed to have wonderful memories of those we love. Some people have never experienced being loved or loving someone. :hugs: Love is a very big blessing to have.

Sometimes we have to separate from family for our own sanity. I didn't speak to my father for many years. It is only now that i have become close to him. My dad has a difficult time with thinking before speaking and hes said some very damaging things to me over the years. Even though i am an adult and responsible for all my choices. I can trace back to him all the things that have mentally caused me problems.

When my mother passed away, he took it very hard. They were divorced, but everyone knew they still had feelings for each other. He became a different person after that. I never believed that people could genuinely change, until i saw the change in my father. Its the first time i saw him express remorse. When before he would blank out at the mere idea of dealing with emotions.


Unfortunately they're (I think) 8 and 9 and have no concept of consequences aside from "time out", which means nothing.

Honestly? It's really not painful at all. My parents and me all tried to help her but she didn't want help, she just wanted to be enabled. Once I realized that "family" is just a word it was a lot easier to let go.
That reminds me of my sister in law, the one i dont get along with. She would use counting to discipline her kids. She would start counting to 10. The kids dont respect her and would just start counting along with her, while ignoring her. lol Her kids are the ones that i am worried about. All i can hope is that my mom influenced their future in some way.

Unfortunately for our own peace of mind we need to cut ties sometimes, even with blood relatives. :frown: I've had to do that a few times to maintain my own mental health. We cant drain ourselves helping someone that doesnt want to be saved.
 

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Thank you! :heartshape:

I was so certain i would get bad news, that i didnt sleep last night. Kept having nightmares that i was talking to the doctor. I feel very blessed. :redheartpump:



Any kind of separation or loss is incredibly difficult. But we are so very blessed to have wonderful memories of those we love. Some people have never experienced being loved or loving someone. :hugs: Love is a very big blessing to have.

Sometimes we have to separate from family for our own sanity. I didn't speak to my father for many years. It is only now that i have become close to him. My dad has a difficult time with thinking before speaking and hes said some very damaging things to me over the years. Even though i am an adult and responsible for all my choices. I can trace back to him all the things that have mentally caused me problems.

When my mother passed away, he took it very hard. They were divorced, but everyone knew they still had feelings for each other. He became a different person after that. I never believed that people could genuinely change, until i saw the change in my father. Its the first time i saw him express remorse. When before he would blank out at the mere idea of dealing with emotions.




That reminds me of my sister in law, the one i dont get along with. She would use counting to discipline her kids. She would start counting to 10. The kids dont respect her and would just start counting along with her, while ignoring her. lol Her kids are the ones that i am worried about. All i can hope is that my mom influenced their future in some way.

Unfortunately for our own peace of mind we need to cut ties sometimes, even with blood relatives. :frown: I've had to do that a few times to maintain my own mental health. We cant drain ourselves helping someone that doesnt want to be saved.
Your story about your father touched some deep chords. We do not always know what others are feeling. In fact, we never do unless they tell us. Many people, particularly males in many cultures but I guess, also people like me who are "on the spectrum" do not necessary wear hearts on sleeves. But the feelings are there. And sometimes we hide them from ourselves until something catastrophic happens to bring them to the forefront.
Kids really bear the brunt of all that has come before. They are all blank slates at birth and though there are some who are clinically mentally ill, most are not -- they take in all around them and are informed by everything they see, hear, and feel. IMHO it is the most important job there is -- raising kids. If a person is not prepared to give their all to it, they really should not do it IMHO. This is why I chose not to and made sure I would not be faced with that job. Each generation inherits everything from everyone before them, and will be tasked with making decisions that affect all around them. Failing to do the very best for them, to prepare them for that, is a terrible failure, I believe. I could not take that on, and I certainly give big props to all who put their best into the job.
 
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