Remembering Krista

[tarasgirl06]

Today is four weeks. It’s already been a soggy morning and the forecast calls for more desk downpours.

This Saturday will be one calendar month. Then hopefully I’ll start counting in bigger intervals than weeks. Intervals big enough to dilute the grief.

I heard OC meowing just now. I threw on some clothes and head out the door to investigate. It seems my neighbor across the way has been feeding him some kibble. I talked with neighbor about him. I want to get a rescue involved. He’s far too friendly to let him be homeless. But at least today, I can’t string the words together.

*Big empathizing* It's unendurable. But we must endure it. Desk downpours are good. Normal, natural and good.
I'm just a few days behind you, but in fact I'm mourning for you, too, because Krista was a big part of MY life, as I'm sure she was for so many here on TCS. So if "misery loves company" as they say, you have a lot of the latter.
Gosh, I PRAY OC is not homeless! Such a good and handsome cat. Of course that does not mean he's not homeless. Thanks to you and your neighbor for caring and monitoring the situation.
Did you have orange sky this morning, btw?

 

[daftcat75]

*Big empathizing* It's unendurable. But we must endure it. Desk downpours are good. Normal, natural and good.
I'm just a few days behind you, but in fact I'm mourning for you, too, because Krista was a big part of MY life, as I'm sure she was for so many here on TCS. So if "misery loves company" as they say, you have a lot of the latter.
Gosh, I PRAY OC is not homeless! Such a good and handsome cat. Of course that does not mean he's not homeless. Thanks to you and your neighbor for caring and monitoring the situation.
Did you have orange sky this morning, btw?

There's another wrinkle to OC. He's intact. I spoke with my friend who does fostering and works with rescues. She said an owner who doesn't snip, likely doesn't chip. So even if he scans clear, that doesn't mean there isn't still an owner looking for him. I'd rather pass him off to a rescue and let them navigate these issues. I don't want to find myself in legal hot water for neutering someone else's cat.

And anyway, I'm much more willing to be a cat grandfather than a cat father right now. I'd give back all this freedom for more time with Krista. But just Krista. I'm not willing to make the same concessions to a strange cat. OC deserves someone more available, willing, and ready.

 

[tarasgirl06]

There's another wrinkle to OC. He's intact. I spoke with my friend who does fostering and works with rescues. She said an owner who doesn't snip, likely doesn't chip. So even if he scans clear, that doesn't mean there isn't still an owner looking for him. I'd rather pass him off to a rescue and let them navigate these issues. I don't want to find myself in legal hot water for neutering someone else's cat.

And anyway, I'm much more willing to be a cat grandfather than a cat father right now. I'd give back all this freedom for more time with Krista. But just Krista. I'm not willing to make the same concessions to a strange cat. OC deserves someone more available, willing, and ready.

...and I pray he gets that "someone." Even in these times. Working in advocacy and seeing the lists get longer every day is not a hopeful sign. But those of us who do this have to keep doing it, because if not us, who?
And OC needs to see his doctor, "by whatever means necessary." May that happen, and soon.

My policy in the location where there were a lot of "community" and free-roaming cats was, if you come into my yard, and I can catch you, you get a vet checkup, innocs, and S/N if you need it. *What others didn't know, they didn't know.* Most of the folks in that community were probably not financially able to do much, if anything, and their religious ideology may have played into not S/N -- IDK. The cat is always my priority.

 

[daftcat75]

I talked to the apartment community manager. She says she’s been delaying the call to animal control because so many people are saying how friendly this cat is and she’s nervous about putting the cat’s fate into the shelter’s hands. “I’d let you all keep him as a community animal if I could.” I’m going to gather some rescue phone numbers for her and ask her to do the leg work. Because the minute I try to explain myself, when the words, “I just lost my cat” come out, I can no longer form words. I need to offload this task. I’ll leave my number with her and the rescues as a last resort if he runs out of options. I still find the thought of taking him in very upsetting to me. But I’d find the thought of him being put down even more upsetting.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I’m going to gather some rescue phone numbers for her and ask her to do the leg work.

If she is amenable to this, would it also be possible to ask her to let you know what she finds out?

 

[daftcat75]

If she is amenable to this, would it also be possible to ask her to let you know what she finds out?

Absolutely. I'm just grateful that someone can help out here. Because between today's 4 week and Saturday's one month marks, I'm just too soggy to be doing this myself.

Here I was worried about him not having enough to drink in the heat last weekend. I just saw him drinking from the community pool that's been closed for some time now. I didn't know cats would drink chlorinated water. And when he got his fill, he curled up into a deck chair. He's the only one in the community using that pool area now because of Covid.

 

[Talien]

Absolutely. I'm just grateful that someone can help out here. Because between today's 4 week and Saturday's one month marks, I'm just too soggy to be doing this myself.

Here I was worried about him not having enough to drink in the heat last weekend. I just saw him drinking from the community pool that's been closed for some time now. I didn't know cats would drink chlorinated water. And when he got his fill, he curled up into a deck chair. He's the only one in the community using that pool area now because of Covid.

They can drink it just like we can drink it, it's just not the best thing for them and if they drink too much it'll make them sick.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I talked to the apartment community manager. She says she’s been delaying the call to animal control because so many people are saying how friendly this cat is and she’s nervous about putting the cat’s fate into the shelter’s hands. “I’d let you all keep him as a community animal if I could.” I’m going to gather some rescue phone numbers for her and ask her to do the leg work. Because the minute I try to explain myself, when the words, “I just lost my cat” come out, I can no longer form words. I need to offload this task. I’ll leave my number with her and the rescues as a last resort if he runs out of options. I still find the thought of taking him in very upsetting to me. But I’d find the thought of him being put down even more upsetting.

So he does not have caregivers? That's absolutely DIABOLICAL that the manager won't let him stay. I have no words for how angry that makes me.

 

[daftcat75]

So he does not have caregivers? That's absolutely DIABOLICAL that the manager won't let him stay. I have no words for how angry that makes me.

Not everyone likes this cat. The community manager did get a complaint or two. Besides, we don't know if his shots are up to date. Until we do, he's potentially a health hazard. I'd rather him be adopted into a dedicated forever home even if it means I don't get to see him again rather than leaving him out there.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Not everyone likes this cat. The community manager did get a complaint or two. Besides, we don't know if his shots are up to date. Until we do, he's potentially a health hazard. I'd rather him be adopted into a dedicated forever home even if it means I don't get to see him again rather than leaving him out there.

True. But if his life is at risk then I'd be at war with whomever put him in that position. He has harmed no one. Of course my *PRAYERS* are for him to find a loving permanent responsible indoor home. Quickly.

 

[lavishsqualor]

I talked to the apartment community manager. She says she’s been delaying the call to animal control because so many people are saying how friendly this cat is and she’s nervous about putting the cat’s fate into the shelter’s hands. “I’d let you all keep him as a community animal if I could.”

This just irritates the hell out of me. I'm a regional manager for a large property management firm based in Orlando, Florida, and have over forty nationwide apartments in my portfolio. Every single one of those properties has a some kind of stray/feral colony on them. The cats are all desexed, given vaccinations and receive medical care. Some properties only have two or three cats, while other have over fifteen. They're cared for out of a 501(c)(3) funded by my corporate office and private donations.

The leasing agents on my properties are required to divulge the existence of the colonies at application. If you're "allergic" or "worried about cats on my car," then there's the door. Don't let it hit you in the on the way out. Furthermore, at move in residents are required to sign an acknowledgment stating that they're cool with the cats, won't attempt to feed them, pet them, blah, blah, blah. (The cats are fed twice daily by maintenance and we don't want them getting fat! Plus, we want to know what they're eating.)

If she's the property manager she could easily facilitate that cat's adoption without calling animal control. I did it a thousand times back when I was on properties. I'll bet you any amount of money that there's someone in your building, daftcat75, who would take that cat in and treat him like a king. All she has do is waive the pet deposit and pet rent under the conditions that her resident gets the cat neutered and vaccinated.

 

[daftcat75]

This just irritates the hell out of me. I'm a regional manager for a large property management firm based in Orlando, Florida, and have over forty nationwide apartments in my portfolio. Every single one of those properties has a some kind of stray/feral colony on them. The cats are all desexed, given vaccinations and receive medical care. Some properties only have two or three cats, while other have over fifteen. They're cared for out of a 501(c)(3) funded by my corporate office and private donations.

The leasing agents on my properties are required to divulge the existence of the colonies at application. If you're "allergic" or "worried about cats on my car," then there's the door. Don't let it hit you in the on the way out. Furthermore, at move in residents are required to sign an acknowledgment stating that they're cool with the cats, won't attempt to feed them, pet them, blah, blah, blah. (The cats are fed twice daily by maintenance and we don't want them getting fat! Plus, we want to know what they're eating.)

If she's the property manager she could easily facilitate that cat's adoption without calling animal control. I did it a thousand times back when I was on properties. I'll bet you any amount of money that there's someone in your building, daftcat75, who would take that cat in and treat him like a king. All she has do is waive the pet deposit and pet rent.

We don't pay pet rent and it sounds like she would have, if not waived, then at least deferred the pet deposit.

Please don't be too upset with the community manager. It sounds like her hands are tied. She doesn't have quite as much autonomy in this decision as we would like. The policy is set by corporate above her. She has been choosing to neglect the policy. But at some point, if not her, someone else may call animal control on that cat. At least the property manager doesn't want to see this cat put down--the reason she put off calling animal control herself. She said she will call the rescue whose contact info I forwarded.

I told her that I would take him myself if it weren't for how upsetting my recent loss still is. That said, I let him in for a few minutes today while I fed him a little Fancy Feast. It wasn't quite as upsetting this time having him in my home. But he's loud and he does things weird compared to Krista. Krista never once jumped on the bathroom counter. But OC seems fascinated with it and has been up there both times he's been in my apartment. I was able to lift him off the bathroom counter and gently set him back down on the floor without getting beat up.

He's a sweet fellow who is growing on me. I still don't feel ready to care for a cat again. But I may be willing to step up for this one. I told the property manager that she can share my number with the rescue as a home of last resort, e.g. if he runs out of options, I'd rather take him in than deal with grief over two cats' deaths. I also told her that if the rescue needs help trapping him, I can probably help there too. I've never trapped a strange cat before. But I think I might get this one in a box on the trust we've been building.

 

[tarasgirl06]

We don't pay pet rent and it sounds like she would have, if not waived, then at least deferred the pet deposit.

Please don't be too upset with the community manager. It sounds like her hands are tied. She doesn't have quite as much autonomy in this decision as we would like. The policy is set by corporate above her. She has been choosing to neglect the policy. But at some point, if not her, someone else may call animal control on that cat. At least the property manager doesn't want to see this cat put down--the reason she put off calling animal control herself. She said she will call the rescue whose contact info I forwarded.

I told her that I would take him myself if it weren't for how upsetting my recent loss still is. That said, I let him in for a few minutes today while I fed him a little Fancy Feast. It wasn't quite as upsetting this time having him in my home. But he's loud and he does things weird compared to Krista. Krista never once jumped on the bathroom counter. But OC seems fascinated with it and has been up there both times he's been in my apartment. I was able to lift him off the bathroom counter and gently set him back down on the floor without getting beat up.

He's a sweet fellow who is growing on me. I still don't feel ready to care for a cat again. But I may be willing to step up for this one. I told the property manager that she can share my number with the rescue as a home of last resort, e.g. if he runs out of options, I'd rather take him in than deal with grief over two cats' deaths. I also told her that if the rescue needs help trapping him, I can probably help there too. I've never trapped a strange cat before. But I think I might get this one in a box on the trust we've been building.

But lavishsqualor makes valid points and a sound case. And I totally and unequivocally agree.
Some years back, I lived in a no-"pets" apartment. While attending an outdoor concert, someone literally dropped a kitten on my BF's lap. Of course we were not going to abandon her! She was tiny and obviously alone in the world. We had no car. We took the bus home with our 'illegal'-to-ride kitten in BF's overalls. We snuck her in, which is something I absolutely do NOT advocate anyone do. But we had no alternative. I rigged up a pie tin with dirt for her for a litterbox. I don't remember what we did about food for her, but somehow we did feed her.
We kept her. Got her spayed and innoculated.
Some time later, there was a very thin tuxedo outside by the dumpsters. She was covered in sores and starving. I started feeding her outside every day. Spent time with her, talking to her. She was very sweet.
Of course, she came inside fairly quickly. She was in a risky situation outdoors in a parking lot next to a freeway.
Some time after that, there was a tiny black kitten out in our courtyard.
Pretty sure you can guess what happened.
So, three cats in a no-'pets' apartment.
Our manager found out at some point. He happened to be a real cat lover.
It wasn't long before he brought home an at-risk cat of his own.
And several other tenants adopted cats as time went by.
It wasn't a classy joint, by any means; there wouldn't have been much cats could do to make the place worse, honestly. The slumlord who owned the place wouldn't have been out much. But long story short, our cats stayed.
Just sayin'.
And I'm positive you could box up OC. You probably wouldn't even need a carrier at this point, you know.
Just sayin'.

 

[daftcat75]

But lavishsqualor makes valid points and a sound case. And I totally and unequivocally agree.
Some years back, I lived in a no-"pets" apartment. While attending an outdoor concert, someone literally dropped a kitten on my BF's lap. Of course we were not going to abandon her! She was tiny and obviously alone in the world. We had no car. We took the bus home with our 'illegal'-to-ride kitten in BF's overalls. We snuck her in, which is something I absolutely do NOT advocate anyone do. But we had no alternative. I rigged up a pie tin with dirt for her for a litterbox. I don't remember what we did about food for her, but somehow we did feed her.
We kept her. Got her spayed and innoculated.
Some time later, there was a very thin tuxedo outside by the dumpsters. She was covered in sores and starving. I started feeding her outside every day. Spent time with her, talking to her. She was very sweet.
Of course, she came inside fairly quickly. She was in a risky situation outdoors in a parking lot next to a freeway.
Some time after that, there was a tiny black kitten out in our courtyard.
Pretty sure you can guess what happened.
So, three cats in a no-'pets' apartment.
Our manager found out at some point. He happened to be a real cat lover.
It wasn't long before he brought home an at-risk cat of his own.
And several other tenants adopted cats as time went by.
It wasn't a classy joint, by any means; there wouldn't have been much cats could do to make the place worse, honestly. The slumlord who owned the place wouldn't have been out much. But long story short, our cats stayed.
Just sayin'.
And I'm positive you could box up OC. You probably wouldn't even need a carrier at this point, you know.
Just sayin'.

We're a rent controlled apartment complex by age of the buildings and city ordinance, not by the generosity of the property owners. We are also fairly close to public transportation that can take us into downtown or all over the Bay Area. The point being the apartment rents should be a lot more given the location. We even had a Google bus stop until the pandemic. Google buses their employees who either don't wish to commute or don't own a car. We're trying to be a classy joint. They can't raise the rents enough to compete with newer properties in amenities and renovations. But we're not the worst of the properties available either.

We have lowest common denominator regulations like smoking is forbidden in all common areas including in the units themselves and the balconies/decks. So smoking is something we don't have to worry about here. Likewise all animals need to be accounted for, registered as healthy and up-to-date with all relevant vaccines, and spayed or neutered. We have 40 some pages of lease rules and regulations. Everything is spelled out. I can't even foster this cat. Fostering is explicitly forbidden in the lease. Though I have a feeling the community manager may just look the other way for this cat if the rescue suggests I foster him until they can find him a home.

 

[daftcat75]

And with a rent controlled apartment in a decent location in Silicon Valley (which mattered a lot more before the pandemic), I'm not rocking the boat. If I don't retire out of state, I'll likely die in this unit. As RC goes, I could do a lot worse. And I'd likely be paying twice the rent at a comparable non-RC unit. I'll do what I can for this cat without personally bankrupting myself.

 

[daftcat75]

I need to establish a healthier routine for Wednesdays than, "wake up, count the weeks, and sob all day." It feels like I step on a grief landmine in the morning that blows apart the whole day.

Rather than recalling her death every Wednesday, I would like to create a ritual to celebrate her life. I'm not sure where to start with that. I guess I have the rest of my life to figure that out.

David Kessler, a grief expert, was asked, "how long is grieving expected to last?" To which he replied, "how long is your loved one expected to be dead?"

 

[Furballsmom]

Ouch. Blunt but maybe a bit too blunt.

 

[daftcat75]

Ouch. Blunt but maybe a bit too blunt.

I don't remember the softening blow that he follows that with. Probably something about how silly it is to think you can rush grief and how grief changes with time. The book I'm listening to is "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage Of Grief", by David Kessler.

 

[lavishsqualor]

I've always really liked David Kessler. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, too. One of my favorite quotes goes something like, "The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling, but they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief."

I like that last sentence best of all. I don't think grief is linear, not at all.

 

[daftcat75]

I've always really liked David Kessler. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, too. One of my favorite quotes goes something like, "The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling, but they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief."

I like that last sentence best of all. I don't think grief is linear, not at all.

No, grief is not linear. Very frustrating for someone like me who thinks, "if I just learn the rules, the tools, the research, produce good maps, and show up to do the work, I can more effectively traverse this terrain than someone simply muddling through it." Grief don't care how proactive and prepared you are. It's going to take as long as it takes. I feel like the head or the heart holds back the grief and feeds it in small bites, only as much as it believes we can take in one sitting. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Fourteen years total and three very intense final years together produced quite a grief elephant to digest.