Remembering Krista

[tarasgirl06]

No, grief is not linear. Very frustrating for someone like me who thinks, "if I just learn the rules, the tools, the research, produce good maps, and show up to do the work, I can more effectively traverse this terrain than someone simply muddling through it." Grief don't care how proactive and prepared you are. It's going to take as long as it takes. I feel like the head or the heart holds back the grief and feeds it in small bites, only as much as it believes we can take in one sitting. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Fourteen years total and three very intense final years together produced quite a grief elephant to digest.

You're so eloquent! I'm aspy too, so I feel so much of what you are posting. For me, it's Mondays (for Tarifa. There are so many other days, might as well be every day of the years.) It never stops. Functioning and going through the motions can be done. They have to be done. Even feeling happy, comfortable, etc., can be done. And they are done. But more and more, with COVID, the fires, and personal losses, they are farther apart.
I'm in the same position, only I'm in a house. I couldn't live more cheaply, in CA anyway. Keep up the taxes and keep up maintenance, and it's mine. No one can tell me what I can and can't do, as long as I maintain basic expectations of society, which are falling farther and farther down. And I'll be here for the duration, too, as far as I know. Where else is there to go? That won't change, I don't think.
I haven't read David Kessler but I LIKE his response. No, not too blunt. REALISTIC. That's all I'm interested in. Hold the fantasy for Disneyland. As far as traversing the terrain of grief, I guess for me it's minute by minute. Every. Single. Day. It would help if there was no virus and no fires. And more of my friends/family/loved ones were alive. And, and, and. But dealing with this life, as it is, yeah, it's minute by minute. Baby Su and Elvis help a LOT, even though they're grieving as well, which I see basically in their continuing lessened appetites. The thrill is pretty much gone as far as my roomie situation is concerned. But I just take every day and every moment as they come.
For me, having some time to myself to just remember Tarifa and the magic she brought to our lives is the good part. Sometimes it can lead to bad parts, too -- soggy parts. But that's the best I can do right now.
Your fourteen years are probably full of that magic, with Krista. I have had things like memorial plants, photo albums, donations in better times to cat rescues/advocacy organizations, and songs. I don't have a special song for each lost loved one, but for those I do, those are instant triggers, first of cherished memories and then, all too often, more sogginess.

 

[MissClouseau]

I thought of Krista today when I came across to this baby girl on this adoption page. Krista’s cousin in Istanbul.

 

[daftcat75]

I feel like I'm failing OC right now. I have the home. And I want to do right by this guy. I don't want to worry about him. But my heart just isn't in it. I still don't feel ready yet. I've let him in a couple more times since the weekend. Once yesterday and again today. Usually just long enough to feed him a little Fancy Feast, play with him on the end of a wand toy, and then let him back out again. Since I bought some litter on Monday from an uncaring Petsmart that didn't ask about my cat (thank you!), I'm now equipped to let him linger. Physically that is. Emotionally, I still find it very draining though not quite as upsetting. He spent a lot of time playing with a rattle ball on a string attached to one of the trees. A lot of time! I could see him keeping me awake with that thing. And that's the thing. I'm just not ready for those compromises yet. I'm not even back to normal eating and sleeping habits yet. I feel selfish. But a necessary selfish. I don't want to resent this guy for blunting this opportunity I have (and need!) for growth and self care.

 

[daftcat75]

I thought of Krista today when I came across to this baby girl on this adoption page. Krista’s cousin in Istanbul.

She's adorable!

Since I adopted Krista as an adult, that's the closest I've seen to Krista kitten pictures.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I feel like I'm failing OC right now. I have the home. And I want to do right by this guy. I don't want to worry about him. But my heart just isn't in it. I still don't feel ready yet. I've let him in a couple more times since the weekend. Once yesterday and again today. Usually just long enough to feed him a little Fancy Feast, play with him on the end of a wand toy, and then let him back out again. Since I bought some litter on Monday from an uncaring Petsmart that didn't ask about my cat (thank you!), I'm now equipped to let him linger. Physically that is. Emotionally, I still find it very draining though not quite as upsetting. He spent a lot of time playing with a rattle ball on a string attached to one of the trees. A lot of time! I could see him keeping me awake with that thing. And that's the thing. I'm just not ready for those compromises yet. I'm not even back to normal eating and sleeping habits yet. I feel selfish. But a necessary selfish. I don't want to resent this guy for blunting this opportunity I have (and need!) for growth and self care.

I hope and feel OC is really enjoying his time with you, though -- a good meal and some stimulating play as well as some affection! Thank you for giving these to him.

 

[daftcat75]

I didn't get to say goodbye. I kinda knew it was a possibility I wasn't bringing her back home. I did get to spend a few final moments with her one last time, her on my chest, before I put her back in the carrier for the final hand-off. I would have liked to have held her paw once more despite how much she didn't like having her paws handled. I would have stroked the bridge of her nose because she always enjoyed that. Or at least she enjoyed it from when I started doing it to her during her pancreatitis struggles. When she was feeling too poorly back then to resist it. I never expected a cat would let me do that. That's the first time I recognized how much deeper our relationship was about to become. How much more she trusted me. I would have gently stroked the bridge of her nose while I apologized for not being able to fix it all and make all her illness and struggles go away.

I know her death is not her life. I know not to make her death more important than her life. I know she doesn't blame me. I know she wouldn't want me to feel guilty or responsible or to suffer from taking on more pain than I need to. I know about the "ifs" and "shoulds" of loss and grief. I know about denial and bargaining. I know all of this.

But this is what I feel. And you can't heal what you can't feel.

 

[daftcat75]

That’s a pretty happy OC!

 

[daftcat75]

I had him inside for almost an hour before he parked at the door and started singing his freedom song. That's certainly a large concern I have if I were to come around to this, and adopt him. Some of that wanderlust is probably because he's still intact. But some of it may remain even when he's snipped. I understand. You don't go from freedom to captivity easily no matter how good the scritches and Fancy Feast. When he was done playing with cat trees and a couple of toys I took out for him, I let him out the deck door and gave him a lickable treat on the deck. After, he was neither departing from under the deck fence nor coming back inside. So I grabbed my keys and walked down to the mailboxes. When I got back, he had moved on. I'm hoping a few more days of this and he'll learn which deck is mine. I'd like him to come calling at the deck door.

But of course, there is the possibility that I'm just the afternoon stop in his love tour. I come looking for him around lunchtime. The last three days he's been chilling on the pool chairs. He's the only who can get into that area now thanks to Covid restrictions. I come around to where he can hear and see me and click my tongue in his general direction. He sits up from his nap and meows at me a few times. "Hey meatball! Come get your lunch!" As soon as he sees me walking away, he'll come running over and follow me to my apartment.

Now where Krista mostly respected the leg boundary I constructed to separate the prep side of the food counter from the eating side. Meatball just jumps the leg and shows up on the prep side. There is no safe spot to prepare his food. I had to prepare his lunch mid-air while keeping him from climbing me.

I'm pretty sure if any of us ever get around to calling the shelter or the rescue, he's a sweet guy who loves to play and comes/follows me when I call him. He shouldn't have any trouble getting adopted. And until then, I don't mind being his lunch stop at all.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I had him inside for almost an hour before he parked at the door and started singing his freedom song. That's certainly a large concern I have if I were to come around to this, and adopt him. Some of that wanderlust is probably because he's still intact. But some of it may remain even when he's snipped. I understand. You don't go from freedom to captivity easily no matter how good the scritches and Fancy Feast. When he was done playing with cat trees and a couple of toys I took out for him, I let him out the deck door and gave him a lickable treat on the deck. After, he was neither departing from under the deck fence nor coming back inside. So I grabbed my keys and walked down to the mailboxes. When I got back, he had moved on. I'm hoping a few more days of this and he'll learn which deck is mine. I'd like him to come calling at the deck door.

But of course, there is the possibility that I'm just the afternoon stop in his love tour. I come looking for him around lunchtime. The last three days he's been chilling on the pool chairs. He's the only who can get into that area now thanks to Covid restrictions. I come around to where he can hear and see me and click my tongue in his general direction. He sits up from his nap and meows at me a few times. "Hey meatball! Come get your lunch!" As soon as he sees me walking away, he'll come running over and follow me to my apartment.

Now where Krista mostly respected the leg boundary I constructed to separate the prep side of the food counter from the eating side. Meatball just jumps the leg and shows up on the prep side. There is no safe spot to prepare his food. I had to prepare his lunch mid-air while keeping him from climbing me.

I'm pretty sure if any of us ever get around to calling the shelter or the rescue, he's a sweet guy who loves to play and comes/follows me when I call him. He shouldn't have any trouble getting adopted. And until then, I don't mind being his lunch stop at all.

About the "healing" part -- you're absolutely right. NO ONE should ever tell someone else how to grieve, or for how long, or when, or where. *And I know about holding paws. As I've written about in past posts.* Bridges of noses are very, very special, too. Most of us don't get access. When we do, it's memorable. I know.

As for lickable treats, they're nice! Orange cats appreciate them, I'm sure.
If he got snipped, in time, his hormones would lessen and he would most likely calm down in that department. Not guaranteed, but most likely. Just sayin'.
He's a really cute little guy.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Catnip toy?

 

[lavishsqualor]

I thought of Krista today when I came across to this baby girl on this adoption page. Krista’s cousin in Istanbul.

Dear Lord, that kitten is so cute it's criminal!

 

[daftcat75]

Well, shoot! Now I'm getting reinforcement that my caution about bringing him in was warranted.

He urine-marked a box of stuff. Thankfully, it was a half cube in one of my cube storages. And he managed to pee almost completely inside the cube, getting very little on the storage unit itself, and perhaps none on the carpet. As markings go, that was a pretty polite one. Didn't even have the tomcat musk smell. But still, I can't let him start or I may never be able to stop him.

Sorry, meatball! But that's your cue to leave tonight. He put up nearly no resistance to being shown the door.

And this is what I've been worried about this whole time. I need someone willing to take him marking and all if that's his thing. I had a marking cat before. My closet still smells. That's not where he marked. But if marking is his thing, Krista left him plenty of places where he can rewrite her smell. And I'm not willing to go through that again. Nor do I want to go through vet costs to determine if this is health related instead of behavioral. When Krista was marking, it was her teeth and that cost a pretty penny. I realize marking can be because he's an intact male. But I also realize that if he's not snipped soon enough, it can become habit even when the hormones subside.

I'll give him another chance tomorrow. I like feeding him and watching him play. Maybe it was just a box placement issue. I have the box inside the litterbox enclosure that maybe still smells like Krista. I can move the box somewhere else. Besides, someone's going to have to trap him to take him to the shelter or rescue and that's looking like me. May as well keep working on that trust with him. Until that moment I betray it.

I really want to do right by this guy. I'm even starting to warm up to keeping him. But this marking? Can't have it! Let the shelter or rescue or a foster family figure out if this was a one-off, a pre-snip thing that will work itself out, or an ingrained habit that could complicate his adoption. But it also tells me that we have to snip sooner than later. And for that, he needs to be trapped and scanned. I'll call the shelter and rescue next week and see how we proceed with this. I feel like the longer he gets to keep those gigantic furry balls, the harder it's going to be to adopt him out.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Well, shoot! Now I'm getting reinforcement that my caution about bringing him in was warranted.

He urine-marked a box of stuff. Thankfully, it was a half cube in one of my cube storages. And he managed to pee almost completely inside the cube, getting very little on the storage unit itself, and perhaps none on the carpet. As markings go, that was a pretty polite one. Didn't even have the tomcat musk smell. But still, I can't let him start or I may never be able to stop him.

Sorry, meatball! But that's your cue to leave tonight. He put up nearly no resistance to being shown the door.

And this is what I've been worried about this whole time. I need someone willing to take him marking and all if that's his thing. I had a marking cat before. My closet still smells. That's not where he marked. But if marking is his thing, Krista left him plenty of places where he can rewrite her smell. And I'm not willing to go through that again. Nor do I want to go through vet costs to determine if this is health related instead of behavioral. When Krista was marking, it was her teeth and that cost a pretty penny. I realize marking can be because he's an intact male. But I also realize that if he's not snipped soon enough, it can become habit even when the hormones subside.

I'll give him another chance tomorrow. I like feeding him and watching him play. Maybe it was just a box placement issue. I have the box inside the litterbox enclosure that maybe still smells like Krista. I can move the box somewhere else. Besides, someone's going to have to trap him to take him to the shelter or rescue and that's looking like me. May as well keep working on that trust with him. Until that moment I betray it.

I really want to do right by this guy. I'm even starting to warm up to keeping him. But this marking? Can't have it! Let the shelter or rescue or a foster family figure out if this was a one-off, a pre-snip thing that will work itself out, or an ingrained habit that could complicate his adoption. But it also tells me that we have to snip sooner than later. And for that, he needs to be trapped and scanned. I'll call the shelter and rescue next week and see how we proceed with this. I feel like the longer he gets to keep those gigantic furry balls, the harder it's going to be to adopt him out.

OH YEAH. He needs to see his doctor STAT, not only for the spraying but because he could get some little girl PG and we all know we don't want that. If you let him in again pre-snip he will almost certainly spray, because that's what intact males do. Can't blame him for that. It's his hormones. It's a distress call. *PLEASE, someone, help me!* (Hoping and praying someone will. Quickly.)

 

[daftcat75]

OH YEAH. He needs to see his doctor STAT, not only for the spraying but because he could get some little girl PG and we all know we don't want that. If you let him in again pre-snip he will almost certainly spray, because that's what intact males do. Can't blame him for that. It's his hormones. It's a distress call. *PLEASE, someone, help me!* (Hoping and praying someone will. Quickly.)

It wasn't pungent like tomcat pee. It was actually dilute like bladder infection pee. Yeah, he probably does need to see a vet. Let me call the rescue and shelter on Monday. Tomorrow is the one month of Krista. I doubt I'll be talking on the phone to anyone through my tears.

If I can find him early enough on Monday morning, I may just run him down to the vet on my dime this first time. Get him checked for a chip and lab work. Then I can pass him off to the shelter or a rescue if he's got no chip. The reason I haven't sooner besides dealing with grief is that most days I feed him lunch and the vet is closed for lunch. I suppose I could take him to a different vet who isn't closed during lunch. But then that's another grief landmine as I take him to a vet that's going to ask about Krista. Or take him to a completely unknown vet. Unknown cat at an unknown vet. I don't think I like that many unknowns. Maybe I can call the vet's office and explain to them that the easiest time for me to trap this guy is during their lunch hour and that maybe they can work with me to intake him over lunch.

 

[daftcat75]

Dear Lord, that kitten is so cute it's criminal!

If you can drop that kitten in the mail to me, I'd adopt her in a heartbeat.

"Sorry OC meatball. You probably just peed your chance at my home away."

 

[daftcat75]

This was April 2018. The walls are tarped because she was marking them. A distress call for sure. When the tooth resorption was dealt with, this stopped. This is why I now say a bathroom problem may have nothing to do with the bathroom.

The half cube below her is same type of cube OC lifted a leg to pee over the edge into the box. It was actually a half cube now in the the lower left.

I have been dealing with cat elimination issues for three years. Not in a rush to take on a new one.

 

[MissClouseau]

Well, shoot! Now I'm getting reinforcement that my caution about bringing him in was warranted.

He urine-marked a box of stuff. Thankfully, it was a half cube in one of my cube storages. And he managed to pee almost completely inside the cube, getting very little on the storage unit itself, and perhaps none on the carpet. As markings go, that was a pretty polite one. Didn't even have the tomcat musk smell. But still, I can't let him start or I may never be able to stop him.

Sorry, meatball! But that's your cue to leave tonight. He put up nearly no resistance to being shown the door.

And this is what I've been worried about this whole time. I need someone willing to take him marking and all if that's his thing. I had a marking cat before. My closet still smells. That's not where he marked. But if marking is his thing, Krista left him plenty of places where he can rewrite her smell. And I'm not willing to go through that again. Nor do I want to go through vet costs to determine if this is health related instead of behavioral. When Krista was marking, it was her teeth and that cost a pretty penny. I realize marking can be because he's an intact male. But I also realize that if he's not snipped soon enough, it can become habit even when the hormones subside.

I'll give him another chance tomorrow. I like feeding him and watching him play. Maybe it was just a box placement issue. I have the box inside the litterbox enclosure that maybe still smells like Krista. I can move the box somewhere else. Besides, someone's going to have to trap him to take him to the shelter or rescue and that's looking like me. May as well keep working on that trust with him. Until that moment I betray it.

I really want to do right by this guy. I'm even starting to warm up to keeping him. But this marking? Can't have it! Let the shelter or rescue or a foster family figure out if this was a one-off, a pre-snip thing that will work itself out, or an ingrained habit that could complicate his adoption. But it also tells me that we have to snip sooner than later. And for that, he needs to be trapped and scanned. I'll call the shelter and rescue next week and see how we proceed with this. I feel like the longer he gets to keep those gigantic furry balls, the harder it's going to be to adopt him out.

He almost most certainly can smell Krista and him being intact, is attracted to your house to find the female cat. I can unfortunately confirm with the street cats here tomcats still can smell and is attracted to spayed cats.

 

[tarasgirl06]

It wasn't pungent like tomcat pee. It was actually dilute like bladder infection pee. Yeah, he probably does need to see a vet. Let me call the rescue and shelter on Monday. Tomorrow is the one month of Krista. I doubt I'll be talking on the phone to anyone through my tears.

If I can find him early enough on Monday morning, I may just run him down to the vet on my dime this first time. Get him checked for a chip and lab work. Then I can pass him off to the shelter or a rescue if he's got no chip. The reason I haven't sooner besides dealing with grief is that most days I feed him lunch and the vet is closed for lunch. I suppose I could take him to a different vet who isn't closed during lunch. But then that's another grief landmine as I take him to a vet that's going to ask about Krista. Or take him to a completely unknown vet. Unknown cat at an unknown vet. I don't think I like that many unknowns. Maybe I can call the vet's office and explain to them that the easiest time for me to trap this guy is during their lunch hour and that maybe they can work with me to intake him over lunch.

*PRAYERS* and hoping you can get him in to get basics and snipping. He will feel much better, guaranteed, and he will almost assuredly mellow out in the "yellow" area
I'm not a linear thinker when it comes to time, at all -- and it's just unreal to me that Krista's been gone 1 month. In 5 days it will be one month for Tarifa. My brain can't process it. Neither can my heart.

 

[Furballsmom]

I'm not a linear thinker when it comes to time, at all --

Me neither, apparently, especially this year. I can't believe the rate of the passage of time!

 

[daftcat75]

Me neither, apparently, especially this year. I can't believe the rate of the passage of time!

Caring for Krista collapsed my sense of time to three hour chunks. It seemed almost impossible to plan much beyond a day because of the fluid nature of her illnesses (so to speak. )

Living alone in a pandemic when I can’t even leave my apartment because of the wildfires gives me a whole lot of nothing but time. Some days 6 pm seems so far away, I start that end-of-day beer at 3 pm. And then have another at 6.

I know it’s ridiculous to put a schedule or deadlines on this. But I need to start taking care of myself before flu season hits or I‘ll be the first to go down with a covid-flu double whammy. I gave myself a month to dive deep into depression behaviors and linger there without judgment. But I think rather than counting time and tears until the next “anniversary”, I want to spend this next month brainstorming and journaling what life after her death looks like for me.

It’s time to build some healthier rituals and decide how I’m going to grow into the time and space that her loss left me. The biggest source of pain right now is looking at my life right now and not being able to imagine it another way. And trading one cat for another won’t help me reorient myself into this new life.