My Pumps Who Loved Me So Much Is Now A Star In The Sky

[Antonio65]

The shining beauty of your Pumpkin will illuminate the Rainbow Bridge Meadows, maybe the brightest star I saw this morning to the east was Pumpkin

 

[Maria Bayote]

I'm sorry to make others cry. I'm still crying. But ya know I was born crying. Always something makes me sad.

Here we are Monday morning. Just laying here watching the news and feel numb. I won't have to give meds to Pumps. We called her Lumpers. Pumpy Lumpy. She used to crawl under the covers when people came over and made a lump in the bed .


In her younger years she slept beside Jon nightly curled up against his belly. She would come up on the bed. Tap him on the head. He would lift the blankets and she would crawl underneath. that cat loved to cuddle. It's been a long time since she's done that since the arthritis made it difficult for her so in one way I'm kind of relieved that she doesn't have to live in pain anymore. It just sucks that it happened the way it did. I still don't understand where we went wrong. You would think cardiac issues would have shown up in her blood work.

And I will spin my wheels for the next week or two. it's just how it is.

Don't be sorry. We cat lovers, or animal lovers, really are cry babies. I can feel your grief, as I have been there a couple of times. Before joining this group I felt alone, as not all people around me understand how it is to love an animal, a pet. I mean - really LOVE. I have cats and dogs in my lifetime, even budgies, rabbits and a tortoise. Everytime one has to leave, I also get devastated. And the sadder part was, nobody understood. Some people look at us as "crazy" for bawling over a departed fur baby. But I guess they are the ones who are crazy, for they have never gotten the privilege of being loved unconditionally by a pet.

Hang in there. The sadness won't ever really fade. A person never really gets over his/her grief. One just gets used to it until one day you will remember your baby with more of a smile on your face, as you two really had a magnificent life together.

 

[foxxycat]

@margd Thank you for your kind words. Yes you all are right. It takes me some time to process it. Today I've been able to look at her pictures without sobbing. I really miss her. Everything has changed at home. My routine. Jon lost his couch kitty. But Bee has been making up for it.she regularly cuddles with Jon. Last night I got some pictures of her sleeping on her back like a human. Jon put the covers over her belly and she didnt mind. Pumps hated the blankets on her.

I remember Jon used to make a tent for her when she went under the covers. He would turn on his side and hold up one of his elbows to keep the blanket off Pump's face. It's been a long time since we have had a kitty under the covers. Bee gets too hot. She likes to cuddle but we have to keep it really cold in here.

Thank you for the hugs. I wish I could hug everyone of you guys.

 

[Kat0121]

foxxycat I'm so sorry for your loss.

Pumpkin Face was such a beautiful, special girl. Yes- she loved you dearly and she always will. It was so obvious from her photos that she adored you. She is in good company over at the bridge. She is being cared for very lovingly and one day when the time is right, you will be able to hold her in your arms again. Lily, Sophie and I send lots of love to you, Jon and of course to beautiful Honeybee.

RIP dear Pumpkin Face. Watch over your family and help them heal.

 

[foxxycat]

I love this picture of the Pumps.

Here's Floey's grave marker. Pumps is probably buried near here. I haven't been able to get out there. It's dark when I leave for work and today it was super cold out and already getting dark. I hope to get out there probably Friday afternoon.

More pics of the Pumps

This was this summer- she slept under the leavs of the monster hosta plants. The leaves are bigger than she is.

This was her favorite cubbyhole in the master bathroom. She often slept in here during the night.

Here is her cave we built under the elliptical machine

 

[foxxycat]

Kat0121 Thank you so much for the kind words.
Antonio65 , @Norachan, @margd @mrsgreenjeens, @di and bob, @Furballsmom, mama africa , M maggiedemi , kittyluv387 @artiemom @angels mommy DreamerRose Maria Bayote @Lari , @les26 @ans5181 K Kflowers @kittylove53 @orange&white
I wanted to properly thank you all for your kind and loving words. You guys make this a tad less painful. It's great to have folks I can count on who can help me come to grips with my emotions and try to see the end result means she's no longer suffering and in pain. This community is really great at supporting one another and I'm so thankful for all who have taken time out of their busy day to stop by and give some advice and good thoughts.
I hope my soul will finally be at peace in the coming days and months as I digest the thoughts and feelings of this traumatic event. I would gladly move mountains for Pumps if I could. I just wanted to give you all a thank you.

 

[Antonio65]

When I looked at the last photos you posted I thought that the Rainbow Bridge is a more beautiful place now. Pumpkin really added charm to Pets Heaven!

 

[foxxycat]

Today is 1 week later. Today at 5:45pm I will light a candle for us. As I replay how the day went and our final drive to the vets. I wish I hugged her on the way. I didnt watch her eyes fade to heaven until i remembered that I wanted her to see me. I was holding her. Her head was tucked in the crook of my arm and she gave a faint purr. Then she was gone.

Life has changed so much this week. Now I'm starting to make plans for maybe a trip to the south or the islands. The cold weather is really grating on my nerves lately.

I want to climb on a plane and fly away. Just leave it all behind. Find a new house. New job. Jon said he won't come with me. So it will be just Bee and Me.

I try to just tell myself that it's grief that's talking. But I don't think so. I've been feeling restless and trapped for quite some time.

Now is the time to save every penny I can then fix the house and sell it. Hope that I dont regret it. But I know when I was younger I never wanted to leave here.

Now that it's getting so damn expensive to live here

I think part of Jon wants to go with me but I think he's scared of change. I told him he could always buy the house for retail price and live the rest of his life here. He said no. But ya know he's taken 12 years to build a "garage/house" on his land. I'm the one that told him to buy it back in 2004. I told him if he wanted it then do it. Then he wanted me to move in with him in mass. I said nope. I said I'm never living with anyone ever again. I said he can move in but nope I'm never moving in with another guy unless we are married. Guess that put the brakes on our relationship.


Later a few years he pointed out some house he wanted to buy in Maine. I said go for it. He said it won't be a long commute for you. I just looked at him with sad eyes. Said you know I will never move in with another guy unless we are married. Guess I deflated his balloon and it's not been the same since. Maybe I could rethink this but honestly I just dont feel comfortable with that arrangement. I want stability. I dont want anyone's kids to throw me out of the only home I've got if god forbid something happened to him. I explained that this is my biggest worry. His kids are good kids but in the end the ex and kids will want me gone. I just can't set myself up for this heartbreak. Because as you all know finding a rental with pets is 80% impossible.

So that's whats on my mind this week. Looking at help wanted jobs around the country. Perhaps picking up the welding torches again after so many years of not doing it to maybe start a different chapter of my life. And know Pumps would want me to be at peace and happy. Wherever I lay my head down.

 

[kittyluv387]

Today is 1 week later. Today at 5:45pm I will light a candle for us. As I replay how the day went and our final drive to the vets. I wish I hugged her on the way. I didnt watch her eyes fade to heaven until i remembered that I wanted her to see me. I was holding her. Her head was tucked in the crook of my arm and she gave a faint purr. Then she was gone.

Life has changed so much this week. Now I'm starting to make plans for maybe a trip to the south or the islands. The cold weather is really grating on my nerves lately.

I want to climb on a plane and fly away. Just leave it all behind. Find a new house. New job. Jon said he won't come with me. So it will be just Bee and Me.

I try to just tell myself that it's grief that's talking. But I don't think so. I've been feeling restless and trapped for quite some time.

Now is the time to save every penny I can then fix the house and sell it. Hope that I dont regret it. But I know when I was younger I never wanted to leave here.

Now that it's getting so damn expensive to live here

I think part of Jon wants to go with me but I think he's scared of change. I told him he could always buy the house for retail price and live the rest of his life here. He said no. But ya know he's taken 12 years to build a "garage/house" on his land. I'm the one that told him to buy it back in 2004. I told him if he wanted it then do it. Then he wanted me to move in with him in mass. I said nope. I said I'm never living with anyone ever again. I said he can move in but nope I'm never moving in with another guy unless we are married. Guess that put the brakes on our relationship.


Later a few years he pointed out some house he wanted to buy in Maine. I said go for it. He said it won't be a long commute for you. I just looked at him with sad eyes. Said you know I will never move in with another guy unless we are married. Guess I deflated his balloon and it's not been the same since. Maybe I could rethink this but honestly I just dont feel comfortable with that arrangement. I want stability. I dont want anyone's kids to throw me out of the only home I've got if god forbid something happened to him. I explained that this is my biggest worry. His kids are good kids but in the end the ex and kids will want me gone. I just can't set myself up for this heartbreak. Because as you all know finding a rental with pets is 80% impossible.

So that's whats on my mind this week. Looking at help wanted jobs around the country. Perhaps picking up the welding torches again after so many years of not doing it to maybe start a different chapter of my life. And know Pumps would want me to be at peace and happy. Wherever I lay my head down.

I think you're doing the right thing for youself and Bee! You're making sure that you're taken care of and that is a great thing. I wouldn't want to be thrown out either in any situation. So good for you for being assertive about it!

 

[maggiedemi]

T, I admire you so much. You've got a great head on your shoulders and you can take care of yourself no matter what happens. Maybe some day I will grow up to be just like you.

 

[mama africa]

Follow your heart without losing your mind, foxxycat .

 

[DreamerRose]

Don't make any life-changing decisions while you are still grieving. It's just too soon. You can make mistakes that you will regret later. Get away for awhile if that's what you need, but put the major changes on the back burner for a while. We are grieving for you too.

 

[foxxycat]

Don't make any life-changing decisions while you are still grieving. It's just too soon. You can make mistakes that you will regret later. Get away for awhile if that's what you need, but put the major changes on the back burner for a while. We are grieving for you too.

That's what I thought after I read the drivel I wrote. There is no easy answer. Someone's going to cry no matter what I do. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't. Ugggg.


I forgot to mention that I called the vets office we normally use. They have a different idea than my idea of what went wrong. This vet seems to think it was an aggressive cancer. There was a value on her blood work that was in the low normal. ATL albumin (sp?) Was low. It was 2.7 last monday. It was 4.4 the last week of July. They think she had intestinal leakage of something. Which only would make sense if she had diarrhea.

She was on a medication to make it easier for her to poop via vets orders. I tried pumpkin but she hated it. Would hide and not let me give it so had to use the other option. Plus she wouldn't eat healthy canned food like Bee sometimes will.

I said to the vet it doesn't make sense that she gained 16 ounces in 3 days. In fact I remember noticing her sides seemd a bit swollen the prior week. I remember asking them but they didn't think anything of it. The fluids didnt show up on her xrays. By Thursday it was very obvious that she was swollen. Even taking her back to vets didnt seem to do any good. I still say it was cardiac. Her color was off the further in the week we went. She started stumbling and having trouble moving around Thursday and on. This would make sense why she wouldn't eat. She was trying to preserve her energy. I'm only thankful that it didn't go on for days. It's a shame her last 3 days on earth weren't the greatest. I know Jon won't talk about her yet. He just looses himself in tv. Me I've been reading my books. And spinning the wheels trying to figure it out even though I know it's all over. But this is normal for me.


I have a hard time believing it's that aggressive to grow 1 lb in 3 days. The congestive heart failure makes more sense. Would explain why she was barrell chested and swollen. Not to mention her kidneys slowed down considerably. I suppose a tumor could have caused the kidney issues. Floey had a tumor on her left kidney but she never stopped peeing up to the end. She didn't stumble either.

I appreciate having a place to lay out my thoughts and try to make some sense to it

 

[DreamerRose]

It sounds to me like congestive heart failure, too, with the accumulation of the fluids. It's hard to think that the vets should know what they're doing, though. In fact, maybe it's all of those things. Cancer and kidney failure that put too much strain on her heart.

 

[Kflowers]

I'm not a vet, or a tech, but I've lost a lot of them to cancer, and this sounds more like CHF to me.

For the first six months of grieving many find it comforting to stay among the familiar things. You might find comfort in saving money, useful whatever you do.

Get your old tools out and practice a bit with them. Hands need limbering up anyway. The practice will help you focus and find your center again. Welding for art, for memories, rather than the practical.

 

[foxxycat]

It sounds to me like congestive heart failure, too, with the accumulation of the fluids. It's hard to think that the vets should know what they're doing, though. In fact, maybe it's all of those things. Cancer and kidney failure that put too much strain on her heart.

I just got so angry when she says when a pet gets ill and blood work doesn't show the cause then they always assume it's cancer. Yeah I know they thought they were comforting me but why the hell didn't they say this on Monday? I would have let her go way before this point. And I will say it was 3 dif vets for the week so it wasn't the same person. I know at the ER they were addiment that it wasn't cardiac. I said she was showing signs of kidney failure as the output slowed down considerably. I probably should have let them do the ultrasound. they offered to do it for free but I said what difference does it make? Theres no cure for aggressive cancers or advanced heart disease. This really bothers me because her fur was silky soft right up to the end..i figured it would start getting oily and she would have that look...she wasn't happy that's for sure..she wasn't purring as much the last days. But at least she was in our home warm and fed as much as I could get into her.

Honeybee has taken over as queen bee. She's on Jon all day and some of the night..of course he feeds her treats as often as he can...I have cut back on kibble so she doesn't get fat...we bought some healthy snacks so it's ok if she eats more of those. they are all meat and better for her than kibble.

I put down a bowl of canned food. she sniffed it and looked at me with this expression that says mom what is this crap? It was fancy feast seafood platter blend. its a red or pink can...anyways I got her to lick some off my finger...then I mashed water in it and now it's drying up on her food stand.. I never had any luck feeding any cat canned food except for Floey in her last months. she loved ff turkey pate. and nothing else.

I will get some raw food at the specialty store next year and slowly get her off kibble now that Pumps is not here. I think Bee would like raw more than kibble. Which reminds me once it's not so cold and I don't fear getting stranded by my pos truck I got to go grocery shopping, get some meat and cut some off for her. I don't give her much. Just an ounce chopped up in tiny pieces.

To get my mind off things, I am currently looking to buy another vehicle. I spent $600 yesterday to get it fixed. something with the brakes fouled up and my brake lines in back busted open. I really didn't want to spend the money but I need wheels...and I still have a gas smell at the tank and now it's starting up hard. It turns over but doesn't ignite until the 3rd or 4th time. This just started Yesterday. So not sure if I will stay with the truck or get a station wagon. I hate small cars. I can't get in or out of them....need something that's easy on the hips. I don't want a caravan either. they stink in the snow. And now with Chevy pulling it's crap I don't know if I want to own another one..

story of my life!

 

[Antonio65]

I want to climb on a plane and fly away. Just leave it all behind. Find a new house. New job. Jon said he won't come with me. So it will be just Bee and Me.

I try to just tell myself that it's grief that's talking. But I don't think so. I've been feeling restless and trapped for quite some time.

Now is the time to save every penny I can then fix the house and sell it. Hope that I dont regret it. But I know when I was younger I never wanted to leave here.

This is not your mind talking, it's your pain.
Do not do thing in haste and while you're in pain. These are things to be weighed thoroughly.
You are having the same thought I used to have for weeks after the death of my two cats, Lola last year, Pallina this summer.
After each loss my desire was to go away from here, to a place where nobody could find me, I wanted to start a new life in a place that wouldn't remind me of the pain I had suffered.

But as the weeks and the months went by this thought got weaker and weaker. It hasn't vanished, but it's very faint now.

So, I know and understand what you are feeling, but don't rush things!

 

[maggiedemi]

This is not your mind talking, it's your pain.
Do not do thing in haste and while you're in pain. These are things to be weighed thoroughly.

T, Antonio is right, this is your pain talking. Sometimes when we're in pain, we do things we regret later. Maybe wait until the pain subsides a little bit to make any decisions. I'm here for you.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Pump, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

What a hellish time for me to be sick and offline. I am so very very sorry, both for your loss, and for not being here when you needed me to be.

I can only say yet again what I say so often. Love never dies, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. And Love abides. Pump will never leave you.

 

[AbbysMom]

I'm so late to this thread, I'm sorry.

They say that after you experience a devastating human death not to make any big decisions or changes for a year as you are so deep in grief that you could regret it later. It's no different when we lose a treasured furbaby as they are a part of our family.

When my Molly died our house was on the market. We moved out a month later. It was hard, so hard to leave the house that was so hers. It's been 14 years and I will still never forget my husband in the empty house, rubbing the sun patch on the carpet that was one of her favorite spots and saying goodbye to her. I'm crying now just thinking of it.

Take some time and think everything through.

Keeping you in my thoughts.