You have gotten some marvelous responses already, I can only add that for her, to be able to be near you was the important, and really, the only thing. She doesn't recognize or understand anything otherwise, just love.
What amazing words! As I read and reread I alternate between tears and comfort. Clearly, this is a feeling you can understand, unfortunately. This morning as I fed the others and tried to be loving I found it hard as I've always had a connection with Lilly. She's the only one that got Revolution she's the only one that I took to the vet when she was not eating in the summer only to find out she was fine. I think that's why I pushed down the nagging feeling she wasn't well. Hopefully, I will find a way to be happy to see the others. Lilly always moved away from her food if another wanted it. Sometimes I would sit and guard her while she ate. I'm babbling...thank you for these thoughts. It is making a big dent in my psyche.I'm glad you came here to tell your & Lilly's story - as hard as it was to tell, every line radiated the love you felt for her, and her for you.
I'm 100% sure she knew the love you felt for her - - how much you cared for her AND for her family. Cats sense a good person, and I believe with all my heart she kept returning to you because she realized what a loving heart you had. You've obviously given her every last thing you could give - from your heart to treats made with love to a shelter that gave her comfort. That she came to be near you when she felt badly was a great honor - she knew you were there for her. I truly believe she knew that - even when she wasn't right within feet of you - - -she felt it wherever she was. Try hard not to find all of the things you couldn't do - - - and remember the amazing amount of things you DID do. She certainly did. She trusted and loved you with all her heart.
And know that she may not truly be gone. Even cats that have trusted me implicitly have gone missing periodically, particularly when feeling badly. Even though they knew they had love, comfort, shelter, and all the hand-cooked chicken, etc. they wanted - sometimes they simply wanted to be alone. I used to always think that meant it was "the end" - - but I've come to realize over the years (and after many, many feral and stray kitties) that each cat is different, and disappearing is sometimes just taking time they need to heal. Feral cats in particular - even if they truly trust their human caretaker - still sometimes disappear when you'd think they'd seek you out for help and comfort. I believe it's an instinct deep within them that tells them to be alone - - - be completely away and hidden so that they can't be seen as prey. Many times it's happened to me (often enough that way too many neighbors have seen me in my pjs, going door to door with a tear-streaked face to see if they've seen "ex-looking kitty"). More times then I'd like to count (or the neighbors seeing my in my pjs would like to count too I'm sure!) - - only to have the kitty take a turn for the better and return days later. And if she DID give you the gift of saying goodbye - yes, it aches. II know from far too many experiences. But if it was goodbye, know that she truly loved you if she came to you to do that.
So please don't give up on her - she still may return. She certainly knows where to go if she does! And please know that you've done FAR more than many people on the planet - - - many would have turned a blind eye, for lack of money, lack of caring, you name it. But you took a chance and took the time AND made the effort to make all of these kitties lives brighter. And if she comes back, you now know that you do want to get her to the vet - so perhaps it was good that she was able to solidify your resolve to do so. So many of us that work with ferals and strays feel like we spend half our lives saying "what if I'd taken her to the vet...." or "what if I'd brought her inside." You know no what you'll do if she returns - - -and that's a very big gift in and of itself. Even if Lilly doesn't make return, know that you've made her life SO much better by being in it, and she very, very much knew it.
Ohhh that was so good to see! Thank you! Unfortunately, my house butts up against think wooded brambles with extremely sharp spines so exploring for her is virtually impossible. In the best of conditions, I can't get in more than 10 feet before I stop covered in rose stem type thorns stuck to all my clothing.. That is the only place I've ever seen them coming and going from that's why i call over the fence as I have no other way to get to them.
Thank you for the hope! When she was tnr she got loose first night in 30-degree temps when she was 6 months old 4 days later she returned. Thank you so very much for your thoughts! It means more than I express. Hopefully she will return.
I know it's only been not quite 2 days but I've barely left my bed. Not just because of crying and such but because I keep hoping and trying to will Lilly to pop over the fence. And my bed overlooks the fence she climbs to see me. Not sure if it's just the first stage of grieve but I'm barely able to look away. I'm sure it's different for everyone but I'm trying to see through this pain and the vigil I'm keeping. I'm trying to tell myself I need to continue to hope and pray that she isn't gone and make sure I'm here so I run to her immediately. Every time I say that my heart sinks and I hear in my soul " you know she's gone". But the truth is I don't Then I feel it's like the nagging feeling she wasn't right and I didn't listen to that voice didn't listen. Now I feel like I do know she's dead and i will never see her. Which do I listen to? How do I make peace with not knowing? The horrible feeling of what if.
To compound this 10 years ago my beloved son ( a black cat named Rasputin 13 years old) went out as he did daily for 2 years. And almost to the day, he left Lilly left. And I never saw him again. Not 1 day goes by that I don't either cry out in pain or replay every thing I did wrong throughout his life. I don't feel hopeful that this will be any different. Please if anyone knows how to get out of bed and get dressed to live I want desperately to hear. My cat Max is soothing me by petting my face and literally not leaving my side. So I have taken him outside ( I supervise and never let him out of my sight) and feed the other ferals but then right back to bed. Pjs still, no brush through hair no teeth brushing, no food just tears. Any thoughts? Any stories that will help me understand this will ease just not quickly. Advice?
Thank you for the thought that other very ill cats do return buoys my spirit. Hoping it's a possibility and I can go about life keeping positive and not being so down and out. This is such a wonderful group! These words are truly keeping me engaged more so than without. I've stopped answering my phone so this is my salvation right nowGypsy would disappear for five days at a time, and each time I thought: "Okay, this is it, she didn't make it", and then I would kick myself for not getting to her sooner. She was extremely ill, only weighed 2 pounds (full grown cat), and had three kittens in her that had died due to not getting any nutrients.
Don't give up on Lil, I am sending positive thoughts your way. Can you put a trap out next to your woods with some tuna in it? She still may not eat it, but the smell might lure her to the trap. Keep shaking food bags and opening cans of food and please, if you are able, call for a longer duration than you normally do and more frequently.
Praise God she was here!!!!