You have gotten some marvelous responses already, I can only add that for her, to be able to be near you was the important, and really, the only thing. She doesn't recognize or understand anything otherwise, just love.
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Feral cat dazed and 3 days no food
- Thread starter Allyocean
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I'm glad you came here to tell your & Lilly's story - as hard as it was to tell, every line radiated the love you felt for her, and her for you.
I'm 100% sure she knew the love you felt for her - - how much you cared for her AND for her family. Cats sense a good person, and I believe with all my heart she kept returning to you because she realized what a loving heart you had. You've obviously given her every last thing you could give - from your heart to treats made with love to a shelter that gave her comfort. That she came to be near you when she felt badly was a great honor - she knew you were there for her. I truly believe she knew that - even when she wasn't right within feet of you - - -she felt it wherever she was. Try hard not to find all of the things you couldn't do - - - and remember the amazing amount of things you DID do. She certainly did. She trusted and loved you with all her heart.
And know that she may not truly be gone. Even cats that have trusted me implicitly have gone missing periodically, particularly when feeling badly. Even though they knew they had love, comfort, shelter, and all the hand-cooked chicken, etc. they wanted - sometimes they simply wanted to be alone. I used to always think that meant it was "the end" - - but I've come to realize over the years (and after many, many feral and stray kitties) that each cat is different, and disappearing is sometimes just taking time they need to heal. Feral cats in particular - even if they truly trust their human caretaker - still sometimes disappear when you'd think they'd seek you out for help and comfort. I believe it's an instinct deep within them that tells them to be alone - - - be completely away and hidden so that they can't be seen as prey. Many times it's happened to me (often enough that way too many neighbors have seen me in my pjs, going door to door with a tear-streaked face to see if they've seen "ex-looking kitty"). More times then I'd like to count (or the neighbors seeing my in my pjs would like to count too I'm sure!) - - only to have the kitty take a turn for the better and return days later. And if she DID give you the gift of saying goodbye - yes, it aches. II know from far too many experiences. But if it was goodbye, know that she truly loved you if she came to you to do that.
So please don't give up on her - she still may return. She certainly knows where to go if she does! And please know that you've done FAR more than many people on the planet - - - many would have turned a blind eye, for lack of money, lack of caring, you name it. But you took a chance and took the time AND made the effort to make all of these kitties lives brighter. And if she comes back, you now know that you do want to get her to the vet - so perhaps it was good that she was able to solidify your resolve to do so. So many of us that work with ferals and strays feel like we spend half our lives saying "what if I'd taken her to the vet...." or "what if I'd brought her inside." You know no what you'll do if she returns - - -and that's a very big gift in and of itself. Even if Lilly doesn't make return, know that you've made her life SO much better by being in it, and she very, very much knew it.
I'm 100% sure she knew the love you felt for her - - how much you cared for her AND for her family. Cats sense a good person, and I believe with all my heart she kept returning to you because she realized what a loving heart you had. You've obviously given her every last thing you could give - from your heart to treats made with love to a shelter that gave her comfort. That she came to be near you when she felt badly was a great honor - she knew you were there for her. I truly believe she knew that - even when she wasn't right within feet of you - - -she felt it wherever she was. Try hard not to find all of the things you couldn't do - - - and remember the amazing amount of things you DID do. She certainly did. She trusted and loved you with all her heart.
And know that she may not truly be gone. Even cats that have trusted me implicitly have gone missing periodically, particularly when feeling badly. Even though they knew they had love, comfort, shelter, and all the hand-cooked chicken, etc. they wanted - sometimes they simply wanted to be alone. I used to always think that meant it was "the end" - - but I've come to realize over the years (and after many, many feral and stray kitties) that each cat is different, and disappearing is sometimes just taking time they need to heal. Feral cats in particular - even if they truly trust their human caretaker - still sometimes disappear when you'd think they'd seek you out for help and comfort. I believe it's an instinct deep within them that tells them to be alone - - - be completely away and hidden so that they can't be seen as prey. Many times it's happened to me (often enough that way too many neighbors have seen me in my pjs, going door to door with a tear-streaked face to see if they've seen "ex-looking kitty"). More times then I'd like to count (or the neighbors seeing my in my pjs would like to count too I'm sure!) - - only to have the kitty take a turn for the better and return days later. And if she DID give you the gift of saying goodbye - yes, it aches. II know from far too many experiences. But if it was goodbye, know that she truly loved you if she came to you to do that.
So please don't give up on her - she still may return. She certainly knows where to go if she does! And please know that you've done FAR more than many people on the planet - - - many would have turned a blind eye, for lack of money, lack of caring, you name it. But you took a chance and took the time AND made the effort to make all of these kitties lives brighter. And if she comes back, you now know that you do want to get her to the vet - so perhaps it was good that she was able to solidify your resolve to do so. So many of us that work with ferals and strays feel like we spend half our lives saying "what if I'd taken her to the vet...." or "what if I'd brought her inside." You know no what you'll do if she returns - - -and that's a very big gift in and of itself. Even if Lilly doesn't make return, know that you've made her life SO much better by being in it, and she very, very much knew it.
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I have high hopes that your sweet Lilly is still out there, and will return. Because you are her home. It may take days or weeks, sometimes even months, but she will come home. Do not be surprised if one day you would see her crossing from the woods again, with her loud meows and demand for food and pets. I do pray for that to happen. I really do.
If it turns out otherwise, I am sure Lilly would not want you to be sad. If in case, I am sure she is in a much better place now. I can very well imagine her talking non-stop at the Kitty heaven. She has a lot of stories about you to share to the other kitties there. You deeply loved and cared for her, and I am sure Lilly is eternally grateful.
We are all here for you. Whatever happens, let us know. We would be ecstatic if one of these days you will update us that she has returned.
For now, hang in there. And I do hope and pray you will find comfort from the memories and friendship you two have shared together.
If it turns out otherwise, I am sure Lilly would not want you to be sad. If in case, I am sure she is in a much better place now. I can very well imagine her talking non-stop at the Kitty heaven. She has a lot of stories about you to share to the other kitties there. You deeply loved and cared for her, and I am sure Lilly is eternally grateful.
We are all here for you. Whatever happens, let us know. We would be ecstatic if one of these days you will update us that she has returned.
For now, hang in there. And I do hope and pray you will find comfort from the memories and friendship you two have shared together.
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What amazing words! As I read and reread I alternate between tears and comfort. Clearly, this is a feeling you can understand, unfortunately. This morning as I fed the others and tried to be loving I found it hard as I've always had a connection with Lilly. She's the only one that got Revolution she's the only one that I took to the vet when she was not eating in the summer only to find out she was fine. I think that's why I pushed down the nagging feeling she wasn't well. Hopefully, I will find a way to be happy to see the others. Lilly always moved away from her food if another wanted it. Sometimes I would sit and guard her while she ate. I'm babbling...thank you for these thoughts. It is making a big dent in my psyche.
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I know it's only been not quite 2 days but I've barely left my bed. Not just because of crying and such but because I keep hoping and trying to will Lilly to pop over the fence. And my bed overlooks the fence she climbs to see me. Not sure if it's just the first stage of grieve but I'm barely able to look away. I'm sure it's different for everyone but I'm trying to see through this pain and the vigil I'm keeping. I'm trying to tell myself I need to continue to hope and pray that she isn't gone and make sure I'm here so I run to her immediately. Every time I say that my heart sinks and I hear in my soul " you know she's gone". But the truth is I don't Then I feel it's like the nagging feeling she wasn't right and I didn't listen to that voice didn't listen. Now I feel like I do know she's dead and i will never see her. Which do I listen to? How do I make peace with not knowing? The horrible feeling of what if.
To compound this 10 years ago my beloved son ( a black cat named Rasputin 13 years old) went out as he did daily for 2 years. And almost to the day, he left Lilly left. And I never saw him again. Not 1 day goes by that I don't either cry out in pain or replay every thing I did wrong throughout his life. I don't feel hopeful that this will be any different. Please if anyone knows how to get out of bed and get dressed to live I want desperately to hear. My cat Max is soothing me by petting my face and literally not leaving my side. So I have taken him outside ( I supervise and never let him out of my sight) and feed the other ferals but then right back to bed. Pjs still, no brush through hair no teeth brushing, no food just tears. Any thoughts? Any stories that will help me understand this will ease just not quickly. Advice?
To compound this 10 years ago my beloved son ( a black cat named Rasputin 13 years old) went out as he did daily for 2 years. And almost to the day, he left Lilly left. And I never saw him again. Not 1 day goes by that I don't either cry out in pain or replay every thing I did wrong throughout his life. I don't feel hopeful that this will be any different. Please if anyone knows how to get out of bed and get dressed to live I want desperately to hear. My cat Max is soothing me by petting my face and literally not leaving my side. So I have taken him outside ( I supervise and never let him out of my sight) and feed the other ferals but then right back to bed. Pjs still, no brush through hair no teeth brushing, no food just tears. Any thoughts? Any stories that will help me understand this will ease just not quickly. Advice?
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Gypsy would disappear for five days at a time, and each time I thought: "Okay, this is it, she didn't make it", and then I would kick myself for not getting to her sooner. She was extremely ill, only weighed 2 pounds (full grown cat), and had three kittens in her that had died due to not getting any nutrients.
Don't give up on Lil, I am sending positive thoughts your way. Can you put a trap out next to your woods with some tuna in it? She still may not eat it, but the smell might lure her to the trap. Keep shaking food bags and opening cans of food and please, if you are able, call for a longer duration than you normally do and more frequently.
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It sounds like your grief for this baby girl may be spiraling into depression. I don't know you well so please tell me if I am out of line. I suffer from depression and have my whole life. When my cat, Jeff, left me on March 29th, I felt as though my whole reason for going on left with her- and I still feel that way. Just like with Lily and you, Jeff and I had an incredibly strong bond- even stronger than any I have ever had with humans.
If there is way for you to find a grief therapist that specializes in the loss of pets- I would encourage you to go. Also, there are grief sites that are there for people who have lost their fur companions.
I still think Lilly has been gone too short of a time to count her out- so my suggestion of being pro-active still stands. No, I don't think you should go tromping through the woods, but calling her more frequently and longer can be constructive. Putting fliers up may help, as with placing a description of her in your local paper. Can you ask neighbors? These are all exercises to not only help find Lilly but to also give your mind a break from the grief.
And please, keep reaching out to us- we not only understand what you are going through but we also care too. We are all rooting for you and Lil.
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Thank you! All suggestions are appreciated and will try. Thank you!
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Thank you for the thought that other very ill cats do return buoys my spirit. Hoping it's a possibility and I can go about life keeping positive and not being so down and out. This is such a wonderful group! These words are truly keeping me engaged more so than without. I've stopped answering my phone so this is my salvation right now
Sweetie, no matter what has or has not happened, YOU HAVE NOT FAILED LILY! YOU have done the best you could for her under very hard circumstances. Those of us who truly love ferals know your heartbreak...we've lived it time and time again. Especially in areas (and there are some) who refuse to allow TNR workers to come in and who treat feral cats as "vermin to be eradicated." No, you did not fail her. You did everything that you possibly could for her, and what she knows or knew of love is because of you.
This group can also provide you with help;
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Praise God she was here!!!! I went to feed the others after continually calling for her 15 minutes straight and was laying on the walk looking very out of it. I excitedly ran to get anything i could think of for nourishment. I came out with tuna, parmesan sprinkled crunchies and plain crunchies all sprinkled with doxycycline. After petting her for over 30 minutes on the cement she ate a few crunchies. More pets and she trilled a few times. She has never purred. Slowly she licked the liquid from the tuna and ate maybe a tablespoon of crunchies. She showed no interest in the fancy feast the others had so I'm over the moon she ate!!! Finally, she laid back down in the mulch and looked dazed so I ran in to get the carrier and wrap her in a purrito to go to the e.r.. She was gone when I returned but hopefully, this will stimulate her appetite and the small amount of antibiotics will bring her back tomorrow and I can get her to the er.Im ready to spend every dime I have outside of my other cat's medical needs. You all we're right! With any luck, she will return before snow hits Saturday. I didn't want to grab her and bring her in as I didn't want her to go into shock and total fear. But in the morning I will try as she now has the tiniest of liquid and food! Cautiously crazy happy!!
I am SO glad she came back and you were able to get her to eat at least something!! Every hope, wish, and dream coming from Feeby and me. 
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This the best news I have heard in a long time! Congratulations my friend.
I understand the road ahead is still a long one, but I believe you will get there. Tom just got the news and he accurately describing how I feel- ecstatic!!
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I understand the road ahead is still a long one, but I believe you will get there. Tom just got the news and he accurately describing how I feel- ecstatic!!
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Such good good news!!! She will be back and you will be ready! I am so happy for you!!!
You did great! 
Lighting a candle for you both!
The fact that she was willing to eat ANYTHING means that SHE has not yet given up! There is reason to really hope!
The fact that she was willing to eat ANYTHING means that SHE has not yet given up! There is reason to really hope!
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Allyocean
- there's a danger in using the Doxycycline right now: You might inadvertently be covering up or "masking" a possible infection - that can easily make an accurate diagnosis difficult..........plus, small amounts of an antibiotic given 'here and there' are not effective and can cause antibiotic resistance.
So, there - that's one less thing to do and it leaves more of your energy to focus on securing her!
I think most of us felt she would return......but, was it ever wonderfully heartwarming to hear you say she was back !
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Allyocean
- there's a danger in using the Doxycycline right now: You might inadvertently be covering up or "masking" a possible infection - that can easily make an accurate diagnosis difficult..........plus, small amounts of an antibiotic given 'here and there' are not effective and can cause antibiotic resistance.So, there - that's one less thing to do and it leaves more of your energy to focus on securing her!
I think most of us felt she would return......but, was it ever wonderfully heartwarming to hear you say she was back !
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