Remembering Krista

[daftcat75]

OC wasn’t by the pool chairs this afternoon. Fortunately, he’s fairly consistent. If it wasn‘t the pool chairs, he will probably be between his rocks. And sure enough, he was chasing a squirrel three quarters of the way up a tree. The squirrel was lucky this was a tall tree. He greeted me with meows but seemed less interested in following me back for lunch today. I went back to my place to fix it for him on a plastic tub top to bring out to him. When I got out my door to bring it to him, he was nearly at my place. He was taking his time but he seemed to know where he was going. Eventually. “After you!” I opened the door for him and he trotted right in. He ate a half can of Fancy Feast, played a little with the catnip toys left out for him, and then he wanted out. To the front door first, then to the deck door. I want him to remember my deck. I let him out the deck door. It was one of his shorter visits. But better than a naughty, soggy visit like yesterday.

 

[CatLover49]

Caring for Krista collapsed my sense of time to three hour chunks. It seemed almost impossible to plan much beyond a day because of the fluid nature of her illnesses (so to speak. )

Living alone in a pandemic when I can’t even leave my apartment because of the wildfires gives me a whole lot of nothing but time. Some days 6 pm seems so far away, I start that end-of-day beer at 3 pm. And then have another at 6.

I know it’s ridiculous to put a schedule or deadlines on this. But I need to start taking care of myself before flu season hits or I‘ll be the first to go down with a covid-flu double whammy. I gave myself a month to dive deep into depression behaviors and linger there without judgment. But I think rather than counting time and tears until the next “anniversary”, I want to spend this next month brainstorming and journaling what life after death looks like. For me.

It’s time to build some healthier rituals and decide how I’m going to grow into the time and space that her loss left me. The biggest source of pain right now is looking at my life right now and not being able to imagine it another way. And trading one cat for another won’t help me reorient myself into this new life.

I know exactly how you feel
I lost my precious Snowball this past July
And I still can't see my life without himIm aching inside as I text this

 

[daftcat75]

I know exactly how you feel
I lost my precious Snowball this past July
And I still can't see my life without himIm aching inside as I text this

July is not that long ago. I imagine I’ll still be a tender thought away from tears at the two month mark as well.

I plan to do more journaling, more yoga, more meditation, some bodyweight exercises, and even some cooking in the coming months. And I hope a lot more crying.

I heard a Female-to-Male transgender individual interviewed on NPR. He said that the most frustrating thing about the transition is that when he started taking testosterone, he lost his ability to have a good cry.

I feel like my tears, when they do come, are always constrained by something I just want to bust through. It’s like I have a reverse fire marshal. Instead of regulating how many can come in, this jacka** is constraining how many tears can come out. I feel like my grief is going to take forever to release if I can’t express it fully. Ever have a cough, and a hiccup keeps cutting it short? That’s what my tears feel like. I feel them well up and some come out. But then something is constraining me, possibly my hormones, from achieving the release I so desperately need.

In any case, what I meant to say before I got off on that, was that something needs to change. Krista left holes in my life and the pain comes from seeing these holes as immutable. Instead I would like to fill in those holes with new rituals. Some will honor the life and love we shared. Others will likely be more mundane. Life has to go on. It‘s what our deceased loved ones would want from us.

 

[daftcat75]

Back when I was still commuting and had to share the road with the dumba**es and jacka**es of the Bay Area, I used to fall back on a counseling trick I received once. Whenever I felt another driver was doing me wrong and raising my anger, I would ask myself, “this angry thought I’m having, is it accurate? is it helpful? is it kind?” If it failed any of those, (and most often, it failed all three), then I had to rethink that response.

I am looking for the same kind of cognitive behavior training to pause in the middle of my grief expression and see if I can turn it around into a love expression. One day, thoughts of her will be more joy than sorrow. I’d like to get there faster.

 

[FeebysOwner]

The one good thing you can think about is that pain and sorrow are no longer a two-way street. Krista got to let go of hers. It's not the same, I know; but, she would expect you to 'pull your own weight' in matching her. She always did that before. I can't imagine your view of her ever-lasting 'catitude' could be any different now.

 

[daftcat75]

My beertender friend, who has been taking Krista’s cat-me-downs, showed me a joyous video yesterday. I gave him Krista’s convalescent condo last weekend—the one she spent her final weeks in because she was no longer jumping into her tree or the media bench. The video he showed me was his lovely tortie, Cleo, enjoying the top platform of that tree. I’m so relieved, my heart feels a small healing, to know that tree is being enjoyed by another cat. Krista never occupied the top platform. That’s bittersweet.

 

[tarasgirl06]

My beertender friend, who has been taking Krista’s cat-me-downs, showed me a joyous video yesterday. I gave him Krista’s convalescent condo last weekend—the one she spent her final weeks in because she was no longer jumping into her tree or the media bench. The video he showed me was his lovely tortie, Cleo, enjoying the top platform of that tree. I’m so relieved, my heart feels a small healing, to know that tree is being enjoyed by another cat. Krista never occupied the top platform. That’s bittersweet.

Again, much empathy.
My life is so busy because I chose to fill almost every waking hour with work of one kind or another so as not to sit around and feel sorry for myself, that I have trouble giving my many, many grievings an airing. I lost my mom quite awhile ago and I still feel like I was never able to fully grieve my loss of her. And there have been so many before and since. There is no one "right" way to do this. We each have to do it how we can, when and where we can. So many times in my life, there simply aren't sharply delineated "Now it's time for THIS. Now it's time to let go of THAT." But my own bottom line is basically what you're talking about needing -- taking good care of me, not for completely selfish reasons but because if I go down, I leave my loved ones, who depend on and love me, without.
Living alone or with others is a double-edged sword, I've found. It's "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em" a lot of the time with my roomies. Compromise and patience are the orders of the day. I long for my house back again -- the extra rooms, the extra space, being able to do what I want when, where, and how I want all the time, not having to remind them of anything, etc. But then there are the benefits of having them here, as well as my original stated aim of trying to be a better person by offering them the benefits they get from being here. There'll never be an easy answer for me and it seems that, although I count my blessings, I am also never 100% satisfied.
All that said, I'm really, really glad about your last post (here).
No one ever occupied the top crow's nest of our tallest piece of cat furniture, until Tarifa did, in the last few years

of her being here. I was thrilled when she tried it and decided she liked it. *On high*
There just aren't really any guidebooks to life. People like to think they're in control, and some of them write about ways to do that. But in the end, what's right for them is right for them. It's not the authoritative word on the matter, whatever the matter may be.

 

[daftcat75]

I’m going through her photos to put together her memorial photo book. And I found this one begging to be memed!

 

[daftcat75]

From Krista,

To Cleo,

With love!


This makes me so happy. Krista’s first and favorite tree was a cat-me-down. Now Cleo is enjoying her first cat tree thanks to Krista.

This is not Krista’s favorite tree. This was her convalescent condo. She spent her last several weeks in that bottom condo because she couldn’t jump into any of her other trees anymore. My memories of her and this tree are those of decline. I’m delighted and relieved to see this tree getting another chance. Because it was too upsetting for me to keep it.

It’s bittersweet that Cleo enjoys the top platform that Krista never knew. I’m told Cleo is a little big for the lower condo. They have a small dog who might like the condo. I’m sure if she does, I’ll get the picture.

 

[daftcat75]

I talk about Krista’s favorite tree being a cat-me-down. I forgot I had a picture of her tree donor.

This is Edwina.


I heard she was an ornery lady. But I never saw that side of her. I only encountered her a few times before she passed at the sweet age of 18. But she was always cautiously sweet to me. While her guardian wrung her hands and warned me about her.

About a year after Edwina passed, her guardian took in Krista for a week while I moved across town over several trips. There was more hand wringing about whether I’d get her back.

It’s not the same tree being passed to Cleo. But it does make me smile that we have a tortie chain of cat-me-downs from girls who probably would have hated each other. Because tortitude!

 

[tarasgirl06]

I talk about Krista’s favorite tree being a cat-me-down. I forgot I had a picture of her tree donor.

This is Edwina.
View attachment 350865

I heard she was an ornery lady. But I never saw that side of her. I only encountered her a few times before she passed at the sweet age of 18. But she was always cautiously sweet to me. While her guardian wrung her hands and warned me about her.

About a year after Edwina passed, her guardian took in Krista for a week while I moved across town over several trips. There was more hand wringing about whether I’d get her back.

It’s not the same tree being passed to Cleo. But it does make me smile that we have a tortie chain of cat-me-downs from girls who probably would have hated each other. Because tortitude!

*TORTITUDE RULES!!!* What beautiful girls. I am so glad, too, that Krista's tree is being enjoyed. She would want it that way, whether or not she'd get along with these torties, don't you think?

 

[daftcat75]

Dear Krista,

I just scanned the last of your vet receipts. I'm not sure why I'm keeping them anymore. Habit I suppose.

I'm sorry you had to go to the vet so many times. I'm sorry I didn't take you more often though. There were times where I was just stubbornly sure we were one tweak or another away from not needing that visit. And many times I just made things worse by not taking you down at the first sign of trouble. I wonder how many times I flared your IBD or pancreatitis with trigger foods to see if I could get your eating back up. I will always wonder if we could have had more time together if I wasn't using fish flakes for your pred pill and delaying that remission for so long. And although I know it doesn't much matter anymore, I will always wonder whether I made a mistake with your pred that last week. I'm sorry I did not take you to an internal medicine specialist. Both the dentist and the surgeon treated you very well and did great work. I will regret not taking you to a specialist for your IBD/lymphoma.

I have a stock account I used to call your college fund. It's more company stock from a previous employer than I should have and more tax liability than I want to sell. I thought I would use it as an emergency fund for your healthcare if I needed to zero out a credit card. I wish I tapped that more than I did. Because if I could, I'd liquidate that account for more time with you.

Krista, listen. I have some complicated feelings I need to share. I know you know my heart. I would do it all again and more if I could get even more time with you. But I resented you. Or rather, I resented your illness. But feelings are illogical beasts difficult to tame. Sometimes it wasn't so easy to separate you from your illness. I resented the lack of sleep and feeding you six or seven times a day without any weight gain. I know that was the steroids and lymphoma. But sometimes I just wanted to stuff you so fat that you would let me skip a meal. Even though I knew it wouldn't happen like that. I resented you for the chaos, stress, and trauma of having a cat that can explode from either end at any time and probably not in a box. For a long time, I felt like I couldn't leave you "unpoopervised." But I'm really most guilty over how misguided my anger was during your urine marking phase. I know now that it was a cry for help for your tooth resorption. At the time, I didn't know what was going on. I disciplined you like a dog at least once and I'm so sorry for that. I know you know that. I told you so mere minutes later when the temperature of the moment cooled. And by the end of the night, you were curled up with me, never one to be fearful or hold a grudge. There were other times when you were younger and I had less compassion, less understanding, and less anger management. I treated you in shameful ways you did not deserve. Those memories will haunt me and I'm truly so very sorry. Hopefully with time, I will learn to forget them like you did. I know you never held a grudge or a lingering fear of me. But it doesn't make any of it right. My only consolation is that none of it mattered to you. None of it matters anymore. You loved me so deeply and purely despite my failings.

Krista, I'd do it all again and go back to seven or eight meals a day to have more time with you. If I thought that more time would finally get you to turn the corner. But this is my most controversial feeling right now. I feel relief being freed from caregiver duties. I've been trying to stuff that feeling down because it seems so disrespectful and sacrilegious. But I gave up so much to give you so much. And in the end, it just wasn't enough. You gave me so much over the years. I had to keep showing up for you even as those demands became more and more all-consuming. Could I have done things differently? Would things have turned out any different if I had? We'll never know. But I feel relief and freedom in this between cats stage. I hope I can make the best use of this time.

I know you know my heart. I know you forgave me long ago. Grief is a long, ugly, complicated affair. I'll be coming back to feelings like these for a long time despite knowing your feelings about this. I know you would want me to feel only love and joy now. And I'm trying. But I can't heal what I can't feel. And although I'm always a tender thought away from tears, most times I just can't get them flowing. So if I have to revisit these thoughts and feelings to loosen them up, so be it. I promise to be gentle with myself at these times.

Krista, I'll love you and miss you forever. I know you forgive me. I hope to know my own heart like you knew it.

 

[daftcat75]

I had most of that finished in draft form when the clock struck noon. I haven't been able to sort out his rescue or adoption yet. But as long as he's still coming around, I can make sure OC gets at least one good canned meal a day.

Pool chairs. So predictable! He recognizes me by now. I click my tongue at him and he sits up and meows and does his stretchy, belly thing. He doesn't know that he's the only one allowed in the pool area during the pandemic. I'd come scritch you if I could. I just have to wait for him to exhaust his arsenal of, "come to me. I'm cute!" Then he gets up and trots on over and follows me into my place without hesitation or hissing.

Although I'm sure he still smells her, I think he understands there is no other cat in here anymore. I was going do a full room deep clean Bissell of the office this weekend. But it seems so profane and sacrilegious to want to remove Krista's smell. But. She did leave a lot of body fluids of one form or another in one place or another in this office. Spot cleaning is one thing. But a full room clean is long overdue.

If I was to keep him, I don't know how I would ever prepare his meals on the regular. He bounds up to whatever counter I'm trying to work on and gets right up into the can and the plate. I'd probably have to design something like a meatball-proof sneeze-guard to enclose the prep area while keeping him out of the can and the plate until it's ready. I ran out of Fancy Feast yesterday. I gave him Rawz turkey today and he wasn't impressed. I usually give him half a can of FF. I don't know where else he's getting food and he seems well-fed already. He ate 1/2 of the 1/2 can of Rawz (1/4 can.) That's fair. It's slightly richer, higher fat, than the FF. I'm just glad it's not under my window he decides to bury his bombs. He ate his 1/4 can. He played a little on his own. Then he started for the door. Already? I got a little more play out of him with da bird. I sit in my reading chair while he eats and plays. I keep hoping one of these days will be the day he wants to sit in my lap. He's come up to the ottoman before. But it was just a transit spot for him. I even reclined on the bed to see if he wanted to check out the bed. Nope. That little guy is so quick and so spry, he seemed to teleport to the media bench to groom himself. After a minute of that, he started to look to the door again. I once more let him out the deck door.

OC, I am both grateful for your company and I resent you. You have made my grief both lighter and more complicated. It's been a mixed treat having another cat inside my home this week. You're a special, sweet guy. A big, orange meatball. If the timing were different, you'd probably be a fantastic NC (next cat) for me. I already know you'll come when I call if you got out, that you like Fancy Feast, and that you pull your punches when I annoy you. You'd probably make a great leash and harness cat. What I don't know is whether you'll be peeing my apartment your whole life because we didn't get you snipped before hormones became habit. What I don't know is whether I would resent you for blunting my "between cats" time. I do know this. You'll make a great companion for someone who has both the home and the heart available right now. Although I don't feel ready to take you myself, I don't want to fail you. As long as you're a community cat, I'll be happy to feed you and give you loving. And when I feel more capable and composed, I will work harder to get you into the rescue system this week.

 

[CatLover49]

Dear Krista,

I just scanned the last of your vet receipts. I'm not sure why I'm keeping them anymore. Habit I suppose.

I'm sorry you had to go to the vet so many times. I'm sorry I didn't take you more often though. There were times where I was just stubbornly sure we were one tweak or another away from not needing that visit. And many times I just made things worse by not taking you down at the first sign of trouble. I wonder how many times I flared your IBD or pancreatitis with trigger foods to see if I could get your eating back up. I will always wonder if we could have had more time together if I wasn't using fish flakes for your pred pill and delaying that remission for so long. And although I know it doesn't much matter anymore, I will always wonder whether I made a mistake with your pred that last week. I'm sorry I did not take you to an internal medicine specialist. Both the dentist and the surgeon treated you very well and did great work. I will regret not taking you to a specialist for your IBD/lymphoma.

I have a stock account I used to call your college fund. It's more company stock from a previous employer than I should have and more tax liability than I want to sell. I thought I would use it as an emergency fund for your healthcare if I needed to zero out a credit card. I wish I tapped that more than I did. Because if I could, I'd liquidate that account for more time with you.

Krista, listen. I have some complicated feelings I need to share. I know you know my heart. I would do it all again and more if I could get even more time with you. But I resented you. Or rather, I resented your illness. But feelings are illogical beasts difficult to tame. Sometimes it wasn't so easy to separate you from your illness. I resented the lack of sleep and feeding you six or seven times a day without any weight gain. I know that was the steroids and lymphoma. But sometimes I just wanted to stuff you so fat that you would let me skip a meal. Even though I knew it wouldn't happen like that. I resented you for the chaos, stress, and trauma of having a cat that can explode from either end at any time and probably not in a box. For a long time, I felt like I couldn't leave you "unpoopervised." But I'm really most guilty over how misguided my anger was during your urine marking phase. I know now that it was a cry for help for your tooth resorption. At the time, I didn't know what was going on. I disciplined you like a dog at least once and I'm so sorry for that. I know you know that. I told you so mere minutes later when the temperature of the moment cooled. And by the end of the night, you were curled up with me, never one to be fearful or hold a grudge. There were probably other times when you were younger and I didn't know any better that I didn't treat you the way I should have. Not knowing better is no excuse. I sometimes treated you in shameful ways.

Krista, I'd do it all again and go back to seven or eight meals a day to have more time with you. If I thought that more time would finally get you to turn the corner. But this is my most controversial feeling right now. I feel relief being freed from caregiver duties. I've been trying to stuff that feeling down because it seems so disrespectful and sacrilegious. But I gave up so much to give you so much. And in the end, it just wasn't enough. You gave me so much over the years. I had to keep showing up for you even as those demands became more and more all-consuming. Could I have done things differently? Would things have turned out any different if I had? We'll never know.

I know you know my heart. I know you forgave me long ago. Grief is a long, ugly, complicated affair. I'll be coming back to feelings like these for a long time despite knowing your feelings about this. I know you would want me to feel only love and joy now. And I'm trying. But I can't heal what I can't feel. And although I'm always a tender thought away from tears, most times I just can't get them flowing. So if I have to revisit these thoughts and feelings to loosen them up, so be it. I promise to be gentle with myself at these times.

Krista, I'll love you and miss you forever. I know you forgive me. I hope to know my own heart like you knew it.

I know they say writing a letter to your kitty or kitties that has crossed the bridge helps
But I cant do it right now myself
I cant even look at Snowball's pictures
It hurts so bad
I know it probably hurt you alot too when you wrote this
Yes its been over 2 months and I cry as if it were yesterday
But I feel happy for you that you was able to write this letter to Precious Krista
Cause I for sure know your pain
And Snowball and Krista is playing up there across the bridge

 

[daftcat75]

I know they say writing a letter to your kitty or kitties that has crossed the bridge helps
But I cant do it right now myself
I cant even look at Snowball's pictures
It hurts so bad
I know it probably hurt you alot too when you wrote this
Yes its been over 2 months and I cry as if it were yesterday
But I feel happy for you that you was able to write this letter to Precious Krista
Cause I for sure know your pain
And Snowball and Krista is playing up there across the bridge

I write letters to Krista here and in my journal. I curate her Instagram. I try to upload at least one picture or video each day since she passed. I wanted to do that for at least a month which was yesterday. I will no doubt still post to her Instagram as I have hundreds, if not thousands of pictures and videos of her to sort through. I started her IG a couple years ago because I knew this day would come where I may find it difficult to sort through all those photos and videos. I wanted a place where I was already posting my favorites. Now it's a happy, or at least a bittersweet, place for me to visit when I want to look through pictures and videos of her. I am also learning how to make those slideshow videos like the one at the start of this thread. And I am working on a memorial photo book of her to keep on the coffee table, if I had a coffee table. Near me on a bookshelf will have to do. If I could make a coloring book out of her--something for me to look into--I would probably be coloring in it everyday.

I do all of these things because they are painful and soggy. I want to cry. I need that release. But I only ever seem to well up and shed just a few tears before stupid testosterone seems to shut the show down again. Whereas I used to go to the Cat Health forums to sometimes distract myself from Krista's illness (and also see if I can pass on some experience with her), now I find myself mostly in the Bridge forums trying to make myself sad enough to really get those tears flowing.

I used to avoid the IBDkitties case studies because so many of them were so sad. Maybe it's time to read those to see if I can access the tears.

 

[CatLover49]

I had most of that finished in draft form when the clock struck noon. I haven't been able to sort out his rescue or adoption yet. But as long as he's still coming around, I can make sure OC gets at least one good canned meal a day. Pool chairs. So predictable! He recognizes me by now. I click my tongue at him and he sits up and meows and does his stretchy, belly thing. He doesn't know that he's the only one allowed in the pool area during the pandemic. I'd come scritch you if I could. I just have to wait for him to exhaust his arsenal of, "come to me. I'm cute!" Then he gets up and trots on over and follows me into my place without hesitation or hissing. Although I'm sure he still smells her, I think he understands there is no other cat in here anymore. I was going do a full room deep clean Bissell of the office this weekend. But it seems so profane and sacrilegious to want to remove Krista's smell. But. She did leave a lot of body fluids of one form or another in one place or another in this office. Spot cleaning is one thing. But a full room clean is long overdue. If I was to keep him, I don't know how I would ever prepare his meals on the regular. He bounds up to whatever counter I'm trying to work on and gets right up into the can and the plate. I'd probably have to design something like a meatball-proof sneeze-guard to enclose the prep area while keeping him out of the can and the plate until it's ready. I ran out of Fancy Feast yesterday. I gave him Rawz turkey today and he wasn't impressed. I usually give him half a can of FF. I don't know where else he's getting food and he seems well-fed already. He ate 1/2 of the 1/2 can of Rawz (1/4 can.) That's fair. It's slightly richer, higher fat, than the FF. I'm just glad it's not under my window he decides to bury his bombs. He ate his 1/4 can. He played a little on his own. Then he started for the door. Already? I got a little more play out of him with da bird. I sit in my reading chair while he eats and plays. I keep hoping one of these days will be the day he wants to sit in my lap. He's come up to the ottoman before. But it was just a transit spot for him. I even reclined on the bed to see if he wanted to check out the bed. Nope. That little guy is so quick and so spry, he seemed to teleport to the media bench to groom himself. After a minute of that, he started to look to the door again. I once more let him out the deck door.

OC, I am both grateful for your company and I resent you. You have made my grief both lighter and more complicated. It's been a mixed treat having another cat inside my home this week. You're a special, sweet guy. A big, orange meatball. If the timing were different, you'd probably be a fantastic NC (next cat) for me. I already know you'll come when I call if you got out, that you like Fancy Feast, and that you pull your punches when I annoy you. You'd probably make a great leash and harness cat. What I don't know is whether you'll be peeing my apartment your whole life because we didn't get you snipped before hormones became habit. What I don't know is whether I would resent you for blunting my "between cats" time. I do know this. You'll make a great companion for someone who has both the home and the heart available right now. Although I don't feel ready to take you myself, I don't want to fail you. As long as you're a community cat, I'll be happy to feed you and give you loving. And when I feel more capable and composed, I will work harder to get you into the rescue system this week.

I write letters to Krista here and in my journal. I curate her Instagram. I try to upload at least one picture or video each day since she passed. I wanted to do that for at least a month which was yesterday. I will no doubt still post to her Instagram as I have hundreds, if not thousands of pictures and videos of her to sort through. I started her IG a couple years ago because I knew this day would come where I may find it difficult to sort through all those photos and videos. I wanted a place where I was already posting my favorites. Now it's a happy, or at least a bittersweet, place for me to visit when I want to look through pictures and videos of her. I am also learning how to make those slideshow videos like the one at the start of this thread. And I am working on a memorial photo book of her to keep on the coffee table, if I had a coffee table. Near me on a bookshelf will have to do. If I could make a coloring book out of her--something for me to look into--I would probably be coloring in it everyday.

I do all of these things because they are painful and soggy. I want to cry. I need that release. But I only ever seem to well up and shed just a few tears before stupid testosterone seems to shut the show down again. Whereas I used to go to the Cat Health forums to sometimes distract myself from Krista's illness (and also see if I can pass on some experience with her), now I find myself mostly in the Bridge forums trying to make myself sad enough to really get those tears flowing.

I used to avoid the IBDkitties case studies because so many of them were so sad. Maybe it's time to read those to see if I can access the tears.

I understand what you're doing
You cant cry enough to release any hurt
So you look at Krista's pictures etc...to make yourself hurt so you can cry
Im just the opposite im crying so much I cant look a Snowball's pictures
I guess we are all in this together

 

[tarasgirl06]

I'm pretty sure parents feel so many of the things you are feeling, daftcat75 and I know I as final partial caregiver to my dad felt many of those things. Bottom line, we long to bargain, negotiate, get down on our knees and grovel to get them back again, knowing there is now the Veil between us and our loved ones and that it will remain so until we join them in due time.
Unconditional loyalty and love. What do they mean, really? I know cats give them to us. I don't believe many of us give them to cats 100% of the time. The amazing and unfathomable thing, to me, is that cats continue to give, even when we show ourselves to be so unworthy in many ways and times.
We all want equality. But life, I'm convinced, is not about equality. My mom told me a long time ago that, in the battle of the wills between my dad and me, I had to go more than 50%, because he was not able to. I understood that, even though I didn't like it. My mom was not highly educated but she was very wise in the ways of the human heart. She had to give a tremendous amount all of her life just to survive. She wanted better for me, so she educated me from a very early age in Life Lessons. One thing that came through loud and clear without her spelling it out for me was that when others fail, cats do not fail. Cats LOVE.
What you are doing creatively right now is GREAT. And your other ideas are great. You have time. I don't have an IG account or I'd be looking at those photos!
Surely Krista forgives you your failings and your weaknesses and your trespasses. Absolutely she loves you. And you're right -- she certainly does not want you to waste any of your energy, strength, or intelligence on guilt. She wants you to open your heart and home to someone else in need, and give more love to that someone.
CatLover49 I empathize so much. In three days it will be one month since our beloved angel Tarifa left us. I still can't admit she is gone from us. I sometimes think that if I resist hard enough, it won't be so. But it IS so. So much has gone from our lives with the leaving of that one little cat. If living beings were measured by their presence and personality rather than their size, she would have been by far the biggest one of us.

 

[FeebysOwner]

But I can't heal what I can't feel.

You can't really yet 'feel' because you are still in your mode of analyzing, compartmentalizing, and all of the other similar 'perfunctory' behaviors you've admitted before that are part of your innate nature. Until you can let go of those behaviors - even for just a little while - you won't be healing, because you're really not feeling.

It will come in time, don't try to force it.

 

[daftcat75]

You can't really yet 'feel' because you are still in your mode of analyzing, compartmentalizing, and all of the other similar 'perfunctory' behaviors you've admitted before that are part of your innate nature. Until you can let go of those behaviors - even for just a little while - you won't be healing, because you're really not feeling.

It will come in time, don't try to force it.

We all grieve differently. These "perfunctory" behaviors help me tap into my grief, feel my feelings, and shed my tears. Without them, I wallow in an unfeeling depression with a nagging anxiety that my time could be spent better, and yet devoid of motivation to do anything about that. These grief exercises give me release even if the depth of that release leaves something to be desired.

My trouble isn't a lack or an insufficiency of feelings. My flaw is the belief that there is an order and finiteness to all of this. That if I vent all the "ifs" and "shoulds" and the relief and resentment, that I can be free of those feelings first. That if I can shed more tears now, I'll have fewer left to shed later.

When I say, "I can't heal what I can't feel", what I'm really saying is, I can't hope to move past these uncomfortable feelings until I acknowledge that I have them. I cannot forgive myself for the more unsavory feelings of relief, resentment, and regret if I keep stuffing them down believing I shouldn't be having them.

 

[tarasgirl06]

We all grieve differently. These "perfunctory" behaviors help me tap into my grief, feel my feelings, and shed my tears. Without them, I wallow in an unfeeling depression with a nagging anxiety that my time could be spent better, and yet devoid of motivation to do anything about that. These grief exercises give me release even if the depth of that release leaves something to be desired.

My trouble isn't a lack or an insufficiency of feelings. My flaw is the belief that there is an order and finiteness to all of this. That if I vent all the "ifs" and "shoulds" and the relief and resentment, that I can be free of those feelings first. That if I can shed more tears now, I'll have fewer left to shed later.

When I say, "I can't heal what I can't feel", what I'm really saying is, I can't hope to move past these uncomfortable feelings until I acknowledge that I have them. I cannot forgive myself for the more unsavory feelings of relief, resentment, and regret if I keep stuffing them down believing I shouldn't be having them.

"...My trouble isn't a lack or an insufficiency of feelings. My flaw is the belief that there is an order and finiteness to all of this. That if I vent all the "ifs" and "shoulds" and the relief and resentment, that I can be free of those feelings first. "
Eloquent and resonating.