My boyfriend constantly teases my cat...Should I get rid of the bf?

[mservant]

I've been there too. I used to wonder how strong women ended up abused...until it happened to me. Some of my friends even laughed, "What?! Uhuh, I can't see him dragging YOU through his house." They have since stopped laughing when the jerk was still stalking me months later. These types of men are very charming, you hung the moon in their eyes...then they start the gaslighting. Then massive fights. Oh, then flowers. Then hitting. Then crying and flowers and they'll never touch liquor again. Then...you get the picture.

Meowmeowkitten, please take care of yourself and your cat. And please keep us updated on your situation. I'm sending many warm thoughts your way!

Many people have posted and offered you advice and support, and I hope you feel their strength and care behind you.  Take particular note of those who have advised care if you do decide to end this relationship.  Believe the information that is now out there and widely researched: people who abuse animals are far more likely to abuse people, and the longer you are in a relationship like this the harder it is to see how it affects you and changes you.  If taking care of Edison helps you to make your decision then use the strength that gives you, Edison is vulnerable and he is dependent on you keeping him safe. Look at Edison's behaviour and how it has changed.  Be safe and be strong, what ever you do.   I would like to echo the wise words that peaches08 has offered you.   

 

 

[Norachan]

I'm so sorry to hear that you and Edison are going through this.

I believe that you can tell a lot about a person by watching the way they respond to animals. This man is dangerous, he's being cruel and aggressive to a creature that is much smaller than he is. It's only a matter of time before he starts being aggressive towards you too. I think you should get this man out of your life as soon as possible.

Other people here have given you some good advice. Ask someone to be there with you when you tell him to leave. Change the locks. Don't allow Edison to go outside.

You're a beautiful girl, you deserve to be with someone much better than this man.

Please keep us posted and let us know how things go.

 

We're all here for you.

 

[segelkatt]

Right you are. Teasing a cat is never a good thing. This man may think he's not hurting anyone, well, not yet but it's a sure sign of things to come. Get rid of him, keep your cat happy

 

[segelkatt]

Get rid of the jerk! He's only been with you 8 months, your cat has been with you for 5 years! How can you even consider keeping this abuser in your home? Now it's the cat, tomorrow or the day after it will be you. This "teasing" is not harmless, it's abuse. Would you hold still for him setting Edison's tail on fire? Where do you draw the line? If you don't put a stop to it right now by tossing this so-called "man" out on his butt then you are an accessory to the same abuse and you wouldn't want that, would you? Get a backbone and do it NOW.   

 

[laurag]

People who are mean to animals of any sort are probably not good people in general. If someone doesn't care for a particular pet, or type of pet they should at least have the maturity to understand the pet is important to you and so either give the animal wide berth or treat them with respect because they value you.  If a person demands that you put up with their behavior towards your cat by trying to insinuate that you are the one with the issue because you don't approve of his abuse, then that person has some issues. There are the obvious concerns about potential for abuse towards you, or hurting or killing your cat to get to you. Just as important is the fact that the boyfriend maybe doesn't value you except as a reflection of his own needs and wants. It's like you have none, or that the feelings you have are irrelevant in comparison to his own.

Sounds like you've thought some similar things already.

Personally I would never be able to tolerate a person who enjoyed scaring or hurting my pets. I would think they are doing it to torment me and therefore could never be trusted with knowing about anything or anyone that was important to me because of the potential to use it to hurt me.

 

[catwoman707]

You have been given excellent advice.

As another poster said, I'm an old fart too, well okay not! But 52, and have had good, bad and ugly relationships, and I gotta tell ya....be a smart woman and cut this one off BEFORE all of the true colors show, this guy is immature and has a real lack of compassion in his heart, for a living creature as well as you, a human being.

Oh if I had taken advice......there is not a good ending here. We are on the outside looking at a picture, that is easy to describe.

You being in the situation can be sweet talked, manipulated, and belittled.

I love that you are here asking for opinions, and you are hearing all of us say the same thing.

Save yourself and Edison from going through so much more of what this guy will bring for you.

"The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior". Period.

I posted this for another thread from someone with a very similar situation, and it could not be more of a truer statement. We can all live by these words.

one for jeff.jpg

• catwoman707
• Oct 12, 2013

Good luck hon!! You deserve so much more, and there are so many others in this world who are much more deserving of your love and companionship, don't waste your time.

 

[chasetheblue]

First of all, a giant hug to you, OP. This is never an easy situation to be in, and you've made a huge first step just by asking for advice here. It takes so much courage, but your heart is in the right place and I believe you already knew what the answer was, and just needed to hear outside validation that you aren't "crazy". <3. Sending love your way.

I am a survivor of abuse (from multiple sources). When mum met my sisters' father, she already had me, two cats, and a dog. When we moved to our new house, he started driving a wedge between mum and the dog. He never hit or was physically mean to Kirby, but he forced him to live outside, he was mean to him with words, and with an absence of love. Guess who was next? Me. (not forced to live outside obviously, but emotionally and verbally abused and belittled)

Abusive behaviour always escalates. If he does it to Edison, he will do it to you. 

 

[lilin]

 
I have had my cat Edison for about 5 years now, he is one of the sweetest cats I have ever met. He is very friendly and never bites or scratches. The only problem (if it can even be considered a problem) is that he is naturally kind of nervous about meeting new people and stuff. I've had Edison since he was 5 weeks old and the entire time I've had him he has never had a problem with any of my friends or boyfriends, until now. About 8 months ago I let my boyfriend move in with me and my cat. I live in a small apartment in Chicago so there isn't a whole bunch of space but there is room for my cat to run around in and play with his toys. My boyfriend says that he hates cats and that my cat in particular is "a big furry baby" so that's why he doesn't like him. 

Loud noises scare my cat, so my boyfriend will purposely make loud noises whenever he sees him so my cat will go hide under the couch. Until my boyfriend moved in I had never heard Edison hiss before; now he does it constantly. My boyfriend will even sometimes go underneath the couch and grab Edison even though my cat will be growling and hissing. Lately, I've noticed that he's started hitting my cat's tail; my cat's tail naturally stands up straight and my boyfriend will take his hand and hit his tail. My cat is so nice that the first couple times my boyfriend tries to make him upset that he'll just try to ignore it but that only makes my boyfriend more determined to make him angry.

Every single time I tell my boyfriend to stop being mean to my cat he turns it into me being crazy. It's always the same response, "Oh my god, it's just a cat. He's a stupid cat and can't tell what's going on, you're just trying to be a <expletive> and turn it into something it's not. I'm not torturing the cat for <expletive>." The other day I had finally snapped when he was messing with Edison and told him that Edison is a small defenseless animal and that he was way way bigger and stronger; his response was "So what if I'm bigger? That doesn't make any difference." Nothing I say to him makes him understand that I do not like the way he treats Edison.

I've been hoping that as time went by my boyfriend would get used to Edison and that we all could get along happily. This doesn't seem to be the case though. Is there anything else that can be done besides getting rid of the bf? In all other respects our relationship is fine but the way he treats Edison deeply upsets me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Whoa.

I would get rid of him. Pronto.

It isn't just that he doesn't like cats. He is going OUT OF HIS WAY to be cruel to the cat. And the reason that he doesn't like him is... because he's sweet? What!?

This is a serious sign of a bigger issue. Someone with no empathy towards animals, who takes pleasure in abusing them, has a problem. And as if it weren't bad enough that he's doing that to Edison (and it is), it's also a sign he will eventually start doing that to people. He's already started doing it to you with his verbal berating, gaslighting and swearing at you when you simply tell him to stop being cruel.

There is something serious lurking underneath the surface with a person like this. For the well-being of both yourself and Edison, I would kick him out as soon as you can. I also agree with the advice to get Edison out of the house, with a friend or something, when you kick him out. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to have someone with you as well.

 

[gingerale]

The fact that he gets angry when you tell him to stop, is enough to ask him to leave.

 

[meowmeowkitten]

Well this morning when my bf came back from his Thanksgiving holiday I sat him down and had a long talk with him. I told him I wanted him out of my apartment and that I thought we should take time apart, he disagreed of course but he did leave. So now me and Edison are back to normal and he does already seem happier. Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I truly didn't see how much of a problem it was until I read all of your comments. My cat thanks you all as well

 

[tdonline]

This isn't even a cat issue--it doesn't matter if he hates cats or not.  You have asked him to stop doing something that greatly upsets you and he hasn't.  This is a relationship issue and it's obvious he doesn't respect you or the relationship.  The fact that he is being mean to sentinent being adds a disturbing angle to the standard run of the mill ugly personality.  

I would not allow him to be alone with your cat.  Especially after you ask him to leave.  He sounds like the type that may take his anger out on the cat. Change the locks after he leaves.  Can you give him a time he needs to clear out?  Hopefully you can have a friend or two present as he moves out.  If he is cooperative, you may need to call the police and have them on the premises at the move out time.  Explain the lease situation.  If he doesn't leave, he's trespassing.

 

[tdonline]

I see MeowMeow replied as I was writing my previous message.  I'm happy to hear he left quietly.  I'm also happy to see you stand up for your cat and most important, for yourself.

 

[peaches08]

Well this morning when my bf came back from his Thanksgiving holiday I sat him down and had a long talk with him. I told him I wanted him out of my apartment and that I thought we should take time apart, he disagreed of course but he did leave. So now me and Edison are back to normal and he does already seem happier. Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I truly didn't see how much of a problem it was until I read all of your comments. My cat thanks you all as well

I'm glad that he left quietly. I'm hoping it stays quiet. I'd do what others have mentioned and change the locks as well as keep kitty indoors.

Abusive relationships start out well enough, then one day we start looking at the whole picture and realize that we're living in a bad situation. FWIW, I'm proud of you for getting yourself and your cat out of a bad situation.

Please stick around and check out other parts of this forum and site.

 

[ldg]

Well this morning when my bf came back from his Thanksgiving holiday I sat him down and had a long talk with him. I told him I wanted him out of my apartment and that I thought we should take time apart, he disagreed of course but he did leave. So now me and Edison are back to normal and he does already seem happier. Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I truly didn't see how much of a problem it was until I read all of your comments. My cat thanks you all as well

You're a beautiful woman and you deserve better. I'm so glad people here were able to help. Relationships aren't easy, and we learn along the way. :heart2:

But one important lesson is that if someone loves you, they won't harm something you love. :rub:

It's one thing to not like cats (or any particular animal) - but I have a number of friends, married now, to men that hated cats. And those husbands are covered in kittens, because their wives rescue cats. And they're not flicking tails or scaring or startling those babies. They're helping socialize them, so they become loving pets for other families. :heart2:

It's all about respect and control. Your BF didn't respect you, and dislikes what he can't control. That makes for nothing but unhappiness. :heart2:

I'm so glad you found the strength to do this. I hope he took his stuff, and that you'll get the locks changed ASAP. I also hope you find someone deserving of your love and Edison's. :heart2: : vibes:

 

[mservant]

Stay strong. I hope you feel relaxed and comfortable, and that you have Edison to remind you how wonderful you are and why you made this decision.  What ever happens now, know there are a whole load of people out here who care about you!

Looking forward to hearing more from you, and all about Edison as he takes over his home and makes sure you know why you love him so much.  We will happily remind you that that is not a crazy thing to love your cat.  Well only a little bit crazy - in the nicest possible way.  

 

[catspaw66]

As a man, I take particular exception to males (I won't classify them as men) who pick on, tease and abuse animals.

Be sure to change the locks, and if he shows up on the property, call the police immediately and don't even go near the door while he is there.. You may also want to buy a pepper spray.

 

[otto]

Well done, stating your case.

Please, put Edison with a friend until you can get the locks changed. I would not leave him alone in the apartment. Please.

 

[aprilprey]

FABULOUS!

If you can stand more advice: I had broken off with a guy that continued to stalk me.  Had a one year restraining order in place. One year later, to the day...he was calling me again!  Now, there is a 20 year restraining order.

If he does make life difficult, be sure to document everything.  Don't be afraid to call the police if necessary.  Even if he never gets arrested, the paper trail created by the police visits may come in handy to establish a pattern, should he decide to really step up the stalking.  I even bought a device to record my phone calls (this was back in the days BEFORE cell phones!) and sent tapes of his crazy ramblings, which were added to his file in the prosecuting attorney's office.  Thankfully, he eventually gave up and moved on.

Great news!!!!

 

[xenot]

I'm shocked at the permissive attitude some people have of abusive behavior towards living creatures.  I'm going to get right to the point.  As a student of forensics and criminal behavior, I can tell you that cruelty to animals is behavior indicative of psychopathy.  A pet is a lot like a child; as you put it, "defenseless."  Pets are members of our household that we cherish.  Your boyfriend is ABUSING your pet, and if it continues, just as with a child, your cat will begin to exhibit neurotic behavior.  There is no nice way to put it.  If he enjoys torturing small creatures, it would be interesting to see how he is around children.  Your romantic relationships are your business but I can tell you that cats are incredible judges of character.  More than once, my cat has foretold antisocial traits in other people before I was aware of them.   if I was head-over-heels in love with a guy, and he mistreated my cat in that way, I KNOW I wouldn't feel the same about him after that.  I'd also choose not to enable that behavior, which is to say, I would not give that person permission to abuse my pet.  Your boyfriend's behavior is telling of deep-seated issues of past abuse or an underdeveloped amygdala, the latter of which is very dangerous.  Most people would probably just call him a jerk, but if you've studied psychology, you'd know that there is much more to it than that.  Abuse is serious, no matter who or what it is directed towards.  Dump your boyfriend like yesterday's garbage.  In an indirect way, your cat is saving your bacon.

 

[lokimonster]

Faith in humanity restored!

I read your post, and was about to make a hasty reply to dump that chump, but I'm so glad to read you listened to these posters and took their wise advice to heart! I hate seeing women who put up with sketchy boyfriends even when everyone is giving them warnings. Kudos to you for being strong and independent and standing up for your cat!

My mom always told me to watch how a guy treats his mom, his siblings, and his pets, because that's how he's going to treat you.