My boyfriend constantly teases my cat...Should I get rid of the bf?

[meowmeowkitten]

I have had my cat Edison for about 5 years now, he is one of the sweetest cats I have ever met. He is very friendly and never bites or scratches. The only problem (if it can even be considered a problem) is that he is naturally kind of nervous about meeting new people and stuff. I've had Edison since he was 5 weeks old and the entire time I've had him he has never had a problem with any of my friends or boyfriends, until now. About 8 months ago I let my boyfriend move in with me and my cat. I live in a small apartment in Chicago so there isn't a whole bunch of space but there is room for my cat to run around in and play with his toys. My boyfriend says that he hates cats and that my cat in particular is "a big furry baby" so that's why he doesn't like him. 

Loud noises scare my cat, so my boyfriend will purposely make loud noises whenever he sees him so my cat will go hide under the couch. Until my boyfriend moved in I had never heard Edison hiss before; now he does it constantly. My boyfriend will even sometimes go underneath the couch and grab Edison even though my cat will be growling and hissing. Lately, I've noticed that he's started hitting my cat's tail; my cat's tail naturally stands up straight and my boyfriend will take his hand and hit his tail. My cat is so nice that the first couple times my boyfriend tries to make him upset that he'll just try to ignore it but that only makes my boyfriend more determined to make him angry.

Every single time I tell my boyfriend to stop being mean to my cat he turns it into me being crazy. It's always the same response, "Oh my god, it's just a cat. He's a stupid cat and can't tell what's going on, you're just trying to be a <expletive> and turn it into something it's not. I'm not torturing the cat for <expletive>." The other day I had finally snapped when he was messing with Edison and told him that Edison is a small defenseless animal and that he was way way bigger and stronger; his response was "So what if I'm bigger? That doesn't make any difference." Nothing I say to him makes him understand that I do not like the way he treats Edison.

I've been hoping that as time went by my boyfriend would get used to Edison and that we all could get along happily. This doesn't seem to be the case though. Is there anything else that can be done besides getting rid of the bf? In all other respects our relationship is fine but the way he treats Edison deeply upsets me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 

[wildhoneybee]

My mothers's partner doesn't really like cats and can be allergic to them - I have never seen him be cruel to her cat and he helps out with him because he knows the cat is important to my mum.  I know that I personally couldn't be around someone who is cruel to animals - I think it says a lot about the persons character.

Only you know what your relationship is really like so I wouldn't want to give you advice but again I would worry about someone who turns things around so that it is your fault.

Good luck.

 

[peaches08]

This kind of behavior is a warning of your future with him. He's not respecting your requests about your cat, what's next? He's already calling you a ...sorry but your relationship isn't "fine" IMHO.

 

[meowmeowkitten]

That's what I thought too but since he only says things like that when we argue about my cat I didn't think too much of it. It is a good point that him turning things around on me isn't healthy either, I guess it's a good thing I've seen his true character as now when I break up with him I can tell him it's because of him being disrespectful to me, not just my cat. 

Thank you for the advice

 

[pinkman]

Your boyfriend's attitude really makes me mad. Towards both you and Edison.

I agree with peaches08. His behavior is very disturbing and it is a red flag. Is your boyfriend on the lease? If he moved in with you, rather than the other way around ... Look into it.

 

[aprilprey]

"My boyfriend says that he hates cats and that my cat in particular is "a big furry baby" so that's why he doesn't like him."

THIS.  A person may not particularly care for a particular species of animal, but to say they hate an animal, without a logical reason (like they suffered an attack by said animal) is a red flag for me. I cannot see a reason to hate anything that poses so little threat.

I am an old fart (52) never married - have had a number of boyfriends, made mistakes, and learned a lot.  This doesn't sound promising. He's moved into YOUR space...and is not willing to learn to live with what is in that space.

This is a serious conflict in values - and compatible values are what matter over the long run.  BF doesn't have respect for your relationship with your cat. Dump him.

 

[tulosai]

Hi and welcome.  First of all I am very sorry you are going through this.  I can't imagine dating someone who didn't at least good-naturedly tolerate my cats (though I wouldn't expect him or her to love them like I do). I am fortunate because my partner loves them almost as much as me.

Honestly, I know you say he doesn't do this about anything but the cat, but he is ignoring your request about something very  important to you, and even if this is the only thing he is 'bad ' about now, I view that as a very bad sign.  He is also showing signs of 'gaslighting' you, telling you that you are crazy.

I think if you think the relationship is otherwise very good, you need to sit down with him and have a very serious conversation.  Don't do this when he is being mean to the cat or right after.  Do it at a neutral time, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not sure he realizes this, but the issue is very important to you and is in fact a dealbreaker- if he can't at least leave your cat alone (let alone be nice to him or interact in a positive way with him) the relationship has no future.

You will, I think, be able to tell everything by how he responds to that.

Good luck.5

 

[aprilprey]

Every single time I tell my boyfriend to stop being mean to my cat he turns it into me being crazy.

***************************************

OMG...didn't even see this sentence. ANOTHER huge red flag.  This "you are crazy" is also characteristic of abusive relationships.  Take it from a person who has been there.  People think physical abuse is all about the hitting, but there are lots of behaviors that precede that...and this is one of them. Coupled with the fact he's grabbing at your cat while he's angry....being physically aggressive to the cat.

Not. A. Good Sign.

April (She Who Has Been With Worthless Men and Vows to Help Prevent Others From the Same)

 

[meowmeowkitten]

I think if you think the relationship is otherwise very good, you need to sit down with him and have a very serious conversation.  Don't do this when he is being mean to the cat or right after.  Do it at a neutral time, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not sure he realizes this, but the issue is very important to you and is in fact a dealbreaker- if he can't at least leave your cat alone (let alone be nice to him or interact in a positive way with him) the relationship has no future.

You will, I think, be able to tell everything by how he responds to that.

Thank you, I am definitely going to do this. If he can't agree to be nice to my cat then I'll just have him move out. My name is on the lease and all the bills are in my name, so I know if he doesn't agree with having to tolerate Edison at least I won't have a problem making him move out. I wasn't sure if it was just an issue with the cat or with him but after reading yours and everyone else's response, I see now that its an issue with the bf. Thank you all again so much for the advice, it's helped me realize things weren't as "fine" as I had thought.

 

[cccdlx]

I totally agree with what you've been told thus far.. Cruelty to animals in any form is a serious red flag.  BTW, after the bf leaves, change the locks immediately and always keep Edison indoors.  IMO Be very careful when you break off the relationship.  Try to get a friend to be with you when you do. Make sure Edison is not there.  I would not trust this guy an inch.  He may try to hurt you or your cat.

 

[peaches08]

Every single time I tell my boyfriend to stop being mean to my cat he turns it into me being crazy.

***************************************
OMG...didn't even see this sentence. ANOTHER huge red flag.  This "you are crazy" is also characteristic of abusive relationships.  Take it from a person who has been there.  People think physical abuse is all about the hitting, but there are lots of behaviors that precede that...and this is one of them. Coupled with the fact he's grabbing at your cat while he's pissed....being physically aggressive to the cat.


Not. A. Good Sign.

April (She Who Has Been With $hitty Men and Vows to Help Prevent Others From the Same)

I've been there too. I used to wonder how strong women ended up abused...until it happened to me. Some of my friends even laughed, "What?! Uhuh, I can't see him dragging YOU through his house." They have since stopped laughing when the jerk was still stalking me months later. These types of men are very charming, you hung the moon in their eyes...then they start the gaslighting. Then massive fights. Oh, then flowers. Then hitting. Then crying and flowers and they'll never touch liquor again. Then...you get the picture.

Meowmeowkitten, please take care of yourself and your cat. And please keep us updated on your situation. I'm sending many warm thoughts your way!

 

[mrblanche]

Dump him. The reason he hates cats is that he can't control them, and if he can't take it in a pet, he won't take it in a woman.

 

[gardenandcats]

Hes abusing your cat get rid of him!!! Wonder what he would do with a baby or small child?

 

[fhicat]

Cats are loyal to you for life once they trust you. Boyfriends aren't. Not a hard choice at all.

 

[fhicat]

Also most serial killers start off by abusing animals. FYI.

A study done by Northeastern University and Massachussetts SPCA showed that people who abuse animals are five times more likely to abuse another person (Luke, Arluke & Levin, 1997).

 

[anna40]

 
That's what I thought too but since he only says things like that when we argue about my cat I didn't think too much of it. It is a good point that him turning things around on me isn't healthy either, I guess it's a good thing I've seen his true character as now when I break up with him I can tell him it's because of him being disrespectful to me, not just my cat. 

Thank you for the advice

Hi...I've been reading this site but hadn't joined yet, and I registered just now to reply to your thread.

Your boyfriend is abusing your cat.  No two ways about it.  

Your cat trusts you and depends on you to protect him from people who would hurt him, as your boyfriend is doing.  How upset your cat must be that this abusive person is still in his home, his safe place.  He must be wondering why you are allowing it, are allowing the threat of the abuse to continue.  I bet your cat is heartbroken, along with feeling scared and threatened.

You don't need to justify to your boyfriend WHY you want to break up.  Abusing your cat is good enough reason.  It doesn't matter if he agrees with your reasoning or not.

In your post, post #10, you wrote "If he can't agree to be nice to my cat then I'll just have him move out. My name is on the lease and all the bills are in my name, so I know if he doesn't agree with having to tolerate Edison at least I won't have a problem making him move out."

I don't understand....why you would try to get him to be nice to and tolerate your Edison, when he has already shown his heartlessness towards him???  How nice for the boyfriend that he gets a second chance, while Edison is the one who has to take the hit of living with someone who has been abusive towards him and may do it again at any time? 

He's testing you...trying to see how much abuse you will take (and abusing a pet is also abusing the pet's guardian).  Trying to make the abuse seem normal and reasonable (ie. it's not what he's doing, it's that YOU have a problem with it!--that kind of mind game).  Abusers don't walk into your life by punching the lights out of you or your helpless animals first thing--you'd run if someone did that right away.  No, they start slowly, and tell you the problem is you, not them.

For Edison's sake and for your sake, cut the boyfriend loose.  Throw him out. Today. Protect yourself and Edison before, during and after you dump this loser from your life.  Have several friends with you when you tell him to move out.  Don't let him be alone with Edison EVER AGAIN.  If he refuses to go, call the police. Change your locks immediately.  Don't let Edison outside. 

Make room in your life for a good man who will truly love you (abuse is not love), and will love Edison.  You owe that to both yourself and Edison. 

 

[anna40]

 
I totally agree with what you've been told thus far.. Cruelty to animals in any form is a serious red flag.  BTW, after the bf leaves, change the locks immediately and always keep Edison indoors.  IMO Be very careful when you break off the relationship.  Try to get a friend to be with you when you do. Make sure Edison is not there.  I would not trust this guy an inch.  He may try to hurt you or your cat.

Yes, even better--make sure Edison is not even there when you make him leave.

And don't let him stay one moment past when you tell him to leave.  No leaving tomorrow, no 'properly' packing up his stuff.  That just gives him time to apologize, make promises, to make you feel stupid or wrong for what you are doing, etc. That gives him a chance to try to convince you to not kick him out. Time to weaken your resolve. 

Call the police in advance and tell them you may need protection and help in getting him to leave.  Mention he has abused your pet. 

One day you will look back on this and realize it was either the moment when you saved Edison and yourself, or the moment when you sealed both your fates. 

 

[cassiecalypso]

gardenandcats - my thoughts exactly.  This guy is a jerk and you should get rid of him.  Animals have feelings, too.  And can you imagine how he might treat kids??  Especially babies and toddlers?  And as mentioned before, him turning things around and making it your fault can only get worse.

 

[otto]

You've got to get this guy out of there. Edison has no one but you to protect him. Heaven knows what he is doing to him when you aren't there.

Mr Blance is right about the control issue, and it will only get worse.

A person who does not respect your love for your pet, does not respect you.

This person is an abuser. he is abusing your cat, and he is abusing you. I agree that you should have police back up when he moves out.

Or take Edison and stay with a friend for a day or two while he gets out, even better. And CHANGE THE LOCKS.

First, make the arrangements for you and Edison to stay somewhere, and put Edison there. Then, in a public place, tell him you want him out in 24 hours.

Go back in 24 hours, without Edison, and see if he is gone, and change the locks immediately. If he isn't gone, call the cops.

 

[fluffybeard]

If that's what he's doing when you're around, he's doing worse things when you're not there.

Even if he doesn't agree with you that his teasing is over the top and it's upsetting to Edison, he should take your wishes seriously out of love and respect to you.