I Feel Like A Total Failure

[Katie M]

I had him neutered when he was six months old-no change in behavior.

We moved into this apartment in January, and it was remarkable to me that he didn't require any period of adjustment. No problems eating, drinking, or using the litter. He didn't hide, and he played with his toys right away. He was completely unfazed by the whole thing.

 

[dustydiamond1]

I had him neutered when he was six months old-no change in behavior.

We moved into this apartment in January, and it was remarkable to me that he didn't require any period of adjustment. No problems eating, drinking, or using the litter. He didn't hide, and he played with his toys right away. He was completely unfazed by the whole thing.

Have you spoken to a vet about possible medicine that would help him calm down?

 

[Katie M]

Have you spoken to a vet about possible medicine that would help him calm down?

I've talked to the vet several times about his behavior. She says that while there's always hope of a turnaround, in the end he is feral.

 

[Felinediablox]

Cats are always cuddly when they are very young. He is a teenager so he changed, my cat got a little distant too during puberty, although not to this extent. Since he is feral, the odds of him being a cuddly cat again are slim IMO. But you could still teach him to tolerate human touch. Perhaps offering him some food from your hand might work? Or have playing sessions with him (not with your hands of course, but with toys). Playing with them helps bonding. I do not know how much do you play with him, but maybe he is just a hyperactive cat that is bored.

 

[Katie M]

I wish it were that simple. There was an incident when he was a kitten that involved my mother. He was climbing up her curtains and she picked him up to stop him. He got so angry he bit down on her arm and wouldn't let go.

That's an issue in and of itself. He growls if I stop him from doing something.

 

[Felinediablox]

I wish it were that simple. There was an incident when he was a kitten that involved my mother. He was climbing up her curtains and she picked him up to stop him. He got so angry he bit down on her arm and wouldn't let go.

That's an issue in and of itself. He growls if I stop him from doing something.

Sounds more like he hates being handled. He will not tolerate being touched for a very long time.

 

[danteshuman]

I'm sorry Charlie & you are in this difficult position! If you surrender him; please tell the no kill shelter are his history/issues. Along with that he is a semi tamed feral. That way they can help him/place him in a home that fits him. If you get another cat (after taking a break) I would suggest above all getting a cat that was socialized as a kitten. Also can you foster the cat first? The no kill shelter may have the puuurrrfect adult lap cat around 2-5 years old, just waiting for you. If you tell them what your circumstances are and that you are looking for a therapy cat they may know which ones would be a great fit for you.

 

[arouetta]

I've been crying for a good two hours. Believe me, I didn't want it to end like this.

It didn't "end" like this. You didn't put him down. You've found a shelter that won't put him down. You've given him a really good chance at finding a home where he and the humans can figure out how to live together forever. It's not an end, it's a new beginning for both of you.

I think your tears are more based on too high of self-expectations and go hand in hand with whatever it is that makes you need an emotional support animal. In other words, you are too hard on yourself and whatever's at play in your head is amplifying the guilty feelings that shouldn't even be there.

Don't let anyone, not even your mother, pick out the next cat for you. Find a place that has a petting room, find a cat that is at least two years old and loves a good scratching and is very laid back and chilled, and spend all the time you need in that petting room to be sure that the cat can keep you calm and centered. If you are able to talk about your reason for needing a support animal, ethical shelter workers will help steer you towards a potential good match.

A couple of people have mentioned taking a break between cats, but I actually disagree. If you need a support animal, you need it and you probably need it now. It's like the difference between getting a pet for the fun of having a pet and asking a blind person to take a break before getting the next seeing eye dog. A break really isn't advisable because it's treatment of a disabling condition and taking a break from needed treatment of any type can make a disorder worse. I can understand that getting a new cat now vs taking a break could mean the difference between being able to get groceries or see your doctor vs locking yourself in your bedroom despite your physical needs because the world is too much to deal with.

 

[Katie M]

I'm sorry Charlie & you are in this difficult position! If you surrender him; please tell the no kill shelter are his history/issues. Along with that he is a semi tamed feral. That way they can help him/place him in a home that fits him. If you get another cat (after taking a break) I would suggest above all getting a cat that was socialized as a kitten. Also can you foster the cat first? The no kill shelter may have the puuurrrfect adult lap cat around 2-5 years old, just waiting for you. If you tell them what your circumstances are and that you are looking for a therapy cat they may know which ones would be a great fit for you.

Oh, it never occurred to me to foster! This leads me to a question. I've never surrendered an animal in my life-would I be able to get a cat at the same shelter? I've got a (probably irrational) feeling that they would view that as a "trade-in" or something.

 

[Katie M]

It didn't "end" like this. You didn't put him down. You've found a shelter that won't put him down. You've given him a really good chance at finding a home where he and the humans can figure out how to live together forever. It's not an end, it's a new beginning for both of you.

I think your tears are more based on too high of self-expectations and go hand in hand with whatever it is that makes you need an emotional support animal. In other words, you are too hard on yourself and whatever's at play in your head is amplifying the guilty feelings that shouldn't even be there.

Don't let anyone, not even your mother, pick out the next cat for you. Find a place that has a petting room, find a cat that is at least two years old and loves a good scratching and is very laid back and chilled, and spend all the time you need in that petting room to be sure that the cat can keep you calm and centered. If you are able to talk about your reason for needing a support animal, ethical shelter workers will help steer you towards a potential good match.

A couple of people have mentioned taking a break between cats, but I actually disagree. If you need a support animal, you need it and you probably need it now. It's like the difference between getting a pet for the fun of having a pet and asking a blind person to take a break before getting the next seeing eye dog. A break really isn't advisable because it's treatment of a disabling condition and taking a break from needed treatment of any type can make a disorder worse. I can understand that getting a new cat now vs taking a break could mean the difference between being able to get groceries or see your doctor vs locking yourself in your bedroom despite your physical needs because the world is too much to deal with.

I think you're right. I'm absolutely dreading the prospect of even a few weeks of being alone.

I can tell you that part of the reason for my tears is that I've gone and done what I vowed I'd never do. I grew up in a military family, and my parents thought nothing of giving pets away when it was time to move. I swore to myself I wouldn't do that as an adult

 

[arouetta]

Oh, it never occurred to me to foster! This leads me to a question. I've never surrendered an animal in my life-would I be able to get a cat at the same shelter? I've got a (probably irrational) feeling that they would view that as a "trade-in" or something.

Obviously I can't speak for all shelters, but the shelter I adopted from had a clause in the contract paperwork, both in bold-print and spoken out loud by the shelter worker, that if the adoption doesn't work out you have to return the cat to the shelter instead of finding a third party. Bringing a failed adoption back didn't stop them from allowing another adoption. They knew cats were unique individuals, not carbon copies, and that sometimes different personalities between a particular person and a particular cat just made living together not possible.

I can tell you that part of the reason for my tears is that I've gone and done what I vowed I'd never do. I grew up in a military family, and my parents thought nothing of giving pets away when it was time to move. I swore to myself I wouldn't do that as an adult

Part of being an adult is being mature enough to know that a promise can't always be kept if adhering to the promise means that worse pain/damage is done to others. An extreme example, there are people that stay in abusive marriages because they made a promise at the alter or because they grew up in a divorced home and swore they would never break up their children's home. Ultimately instead of being mentally and physically not harmed and having happy kids who are also mentally and physically safe, they are assaulted over and over, possibly the kids harmed the same way, and the kids learn that this is how a marriage should be and bring it into their own futures. In such cases being an adult means realizing the vow not not break up a home is something that shouldn't be kept due to the damage it does to self and offspring.

The difference between your situation and what your parents did is they did it out of their own convenience while you are doing it for your own mental and physical health *and* the cat's mental health. You are doing it because there will be harm to both of you if you don't do it. That cat is clearly not the type that can be a emotional support pet and trying to put that burden on him is just as bad for him as it is for you. Another alternate example, not every dog can be a service animal. A lot of dogs wash out mid-training because they just don't have the personality needed to do it. Your cat washed out, not because of lack of adequate time, not because he's a bad cat, but because his personality is better suited to a person who doesn't mind being ignored for long stretches and who has experience with cat aggression. Your needs are different, you need an animal that will enjoy being right there with you, who wants to be petted for long periods of time and is pretty docile. And you really need an adult cat whose personality is set, rather than a kitten who's fine for the moment but might grow into a cat that has another personality clash. That's why I recommend the cat be at least 2 years old.

 

[caelesto]

I feel for you. I'm having issues with a semi-feral and it's really hard. I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you.

 

[Katie M]

So far, three shelters have fallen through, including one that sounded absolutely perfect. Since Charlie's due for his next shot soon, I'm going to put off looking for other places until I can get him in for that.

Every time I start to reconsider my decision, he does something to remind me why I made that decision. This is a horrible feeling, though.

 

[Norachan]

I've talked to the vet several times about his behavior. She says that while there's always hope of a turnaround, in the end he is feral.

Almost all of my cats started out feral. What Charlie is showing isn't feral behaviour. Feral cats hide from people, don't make eye contact or engage in play at all. Playing with you and then turning violent is not what a feral cat would do at all.

I'd like to suggest that you find another vet who will prescribe a mood stabilizer for Charlie. I have one highly strung female who had problems for ages (Stress related UTI's, spraying doors and furniture, over-grooming to the point where she was half bald etc) She's been an a sedative for the past 6 months and she's like a different cat. It really can make a huge difference to their behaviour.

Please give it a thought, I'm sure it would help Charlie.

 

[Katie M]

Almost all of my cats started out feral. What Charlie is showing isn't feral behaviour. Feral cats hide from people, don't make eye contact or engage in play at all. Playing with you and then turning violent is not what a feral cat would do at all.

I'd like to suggest that you find another vet who will prescribe a mood stabilizer for Charlie. I have one highly strung female who had problems for ages (Stress related UTI's, spraying doors and furniture, over-grooming to the point where she was half bald etc) She's been an a sedative for the past 6 months and she's like a different cat. It really can make a huge difference to their behaviour.

Please give it a thought, I'm sure it would help Charlie.

I'll consider it.

 

[Katie M]

My mother recently told me that I should administer a light warning tap when Charlie is being bad. I've been reluctant to do it up to this point because of my feelings on hitting, but Mom assured me that there's nothing wrong with a tap.

I tried it today. Charlie's response was to tear up my leg. He evidently views it as an attack and won't stand for it.

 

[Norachan]

My mother recently told me that I should administer a light warning tap when Charlie is being bad. I've been reluctant to do it up to this point because of my feelings on hitting, but Mom assured me that there's nothing wrong with a tap.

I tried it today. Charlie's response was to tear up my leg. He evidently views it as an attack and won't stand for it.

Oh dear! I hope you weren't hurt too badly.

Yes, hitting is never a good idea with a cat. Even a light tap can cause all kinds of problems. Cats really don't respond well to that kind of discipline.

Have you asked a vet about getting some mood stabilizers for him? I was reluctant to get my girl, Susy, on them but it has made a world of difference to her.

 

[Katie M]

Oh dear! I hope you weren't hurt too badly.

Yes, hitting is never a good idea with a cat. Even a light tap can cause all kinds of problems. Cats really don't respond well to that kind of discipline.

Have you asked a vet about getting some mood stabilizers for him? I was reluctant to get my girl, Susy, on them but it has made a world of difference to her.

I haven't been able to get there yet. I don't drive and the bus doesn't go out that way, so I have to wait for a day Mom isn't working. I'm anxious to see if they've got any ideas.

 

[Norachan]

Susy is on this one.

| Vetoquinol USA

I don't think you need a prescription for it. It's capsules that you break open and sprinkle over their food. I don't think it has any taste. Susy is pretty fussy, but she has never refused to eat it. We had her on one tablet a day at first, but it made her a bit too chilled out. She'd spend hours sitting in one spot, beaming like a Buddha. Now she's on half a capsule a day and it's working wonders.

 

[aradasky]

Are you able to play with him? A fyling drag toy for at least 15 mins, probably twice a day? That REALLY calmed my big feral-born male down. Now he is three and not needing more than about five to ten minutes a day. You can even do most of it with you sitting in a chair. Keep him running in circles and jumping until he leaves you and lays down. Try a laser. You can keep that with you to distract him when he starts on you. Do not let him use any part of you as a toy, including hair.

Have food for him after as it is a hunting session.


However, if you are able to take him in to a shelter, he will get adopted. He is still young and they will know what type of personality he has. You find a nice older cat, brought in due to a death or moving situation. They never get adopted. Think of that bundle of love just waiting for you, if.....