I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down

[meelasmom]

Thank you all. I'll try anything at this point. I want to be able think of her without guilt. And I want to say I am deeply sorry for all of your losses. I really does hurt.

I grew up on a farm and cats were lost. I think it was the right of survival for her that has gotten me.

I had a cat named buddy who lived to be the ripw are of 16 and half years old. He was scratched in the eye when he was little. He ended up blind in that eye. He also couldn't meow. He had no chance..in my mind..but to be mine.

He was born in a washing machine and his mother was got by a car hours after he was born. My dad found the 3 kittens brought them to my house. My cat had just had kittens that weekend and she took right to them. Sadly one didn't make it but the two that did Zoro raised as her own.

Because there were now 7 kittens, it was right to eat and that's how Buddy got his eye scratched. And because he became the smaller of the bunch he didnt get to eat as much and as a result, his due fell out. I had to nurse him with a syringe. He k we when he saw the blue cup that it was time to eat.

 

[margd]

There is one thing I think might help for me to do. With Tony and Neeni..after I lost them I wrote letters them. I did it for days and then every so often. Maybe that will help me get this guilt and remorse to subside. Eventually I stopped and that must have when I was able to move on. Right now that feels like it will never happen.

Has anyone ever done that? Does it sound crazy?

This is not crazy at all.  I've read of other people doing it and they all said it helps.    I didn't write letters, but I did write down everything I was feeling and everything that  I could remember after my Milo and Wesley passed away.  It did help.  It helped enormously.

 

[meelasmom]

I had a little better day today than I have had. I cried but not as much as I have been. The pain is still there, and I miss her so much. I hope I can come to terms in the near future.

 

[IndyJones]

Remember the happy times you had. Talk to family or friends and remember things will get better. Time will heal you.

 

[zed xyzed]

I am glad you had a good day, your sweet Meela would never want you to suffer 

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you. This group has also helped me.

 

[mrbreezeet1]

Poor baby. Sorry about her.

Sent from my MotoG3 using Tapatalk

 

[meelasmom]

Today I made the choice to pack up Meela's stuff today. I took deep breaths all day to keep from crying. I did keep busy but those moments kept coming.

Last night I unfolded a blanket she had layed on the last week. I had washed it but what I didn't notice was that her long white hairs had rolled up into a row.

I took them and saved them in a baggie.

Anyway I knew it had to be done eventually, so I took her favorite blanket, didn't even bother washing, folded it up and put it in this special container.

On top are a can of Fancy Feast and the other pouch cat food I knew she last ate. There is also the syringe she used for medicine initially and her other bottles of medicine. I then added the last two receipts from when I bought her a bunch of the cat food I thought she would like. Then I found the note I wrote the vet leaving instructions on how to coax her into eating. I added two cat balls she played with and finally that baggie that had her hairs.

I still can't believe how much this hurts. Today was the last time no brought her home from the vets.

Tuesday will be extremely difficult for me since it will be the first week without her and the blast time I saw her.

I miss her so much and still harbor so much guilt and remorse for acting too quickly. I'm struggling so much..this pain isn't fair.

 

[2Cats4everLoved]

It takes time, and you need to give yourself time no matter how long it takes, everyone is different.

My boy passed last June and every so often I take out his brush that I stored in a zip lock baggie, which has his fur on it and I take a big whiff.  Silly I know but it takes me right back to all the great moments we shared.  I also do that with my girls who passed in December.  

You'll get there when you get there and not before

 

[winksmom]

I sent you a long private message last night and saw today it didnt go through. It disappeared?!
I thought I saw Wink twice. I must be losin it.
Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.

 

[catmomwi]

The wound is still very fresh, it is okay to fall apart.  

After my Burmese that I had gotten as a 6wk old kitten for my 16th birthday had to be put down at age 17y5m I was inconsolable.  Some in my life were patient and understanding, my (then) spouse and many others were not.  I spent a good 4 months beating myself up over it.  Did I miss something?  Did I give up too soon?  Should I have asked them to try one more round of meds?  Did he really need those 3 teeth extracted a month earlier?  Did he feel something happening and if so, did he try to wake me?  (We went to bed together as usual at 11pm, and at some point he started having seizures - something new - by 8am his pupil was blown and he could no longer move his back end.)  I will never know the answers to all those questions.  It just took me months to realize it.

It does not matter how long they are beside us, when they leave there is a hole.

From what you said, I would have made the same choice.  Deep down, I know time will let you see that you loved her enough to keep her from another prolonged and stressing stay at a place she hated to be at.  The physical stress of the surgery was more than likely what triggered the FIP to rear its ugly head.  You had no idea it was lurking.  You had no idea that a spay would open the floodgates on a disease so vicious.  

We take on the responsibility to our critters that is similar to having a human child.  If you had NOT felt sadness or even a little guilt, THAT would worry me.  You did what you thought was right by her, and hidden parts of her killed her.  

Grieve.  At some point, find peace in knowing that you tried.  Learn to accept that without knowing all the details, you made the absolute best choices with the information you were given.  Know that she was lucky to have you speaking for her - there are many "owners" that would not have even taken her in at the first signs of a problem for whatever reason.  Most of all, give your heart time - when it is ready to be ruled by another feline, the one intended for you will find you.

My Korbel is the reason I do not hesitate to take in elderly cats from certain shelters who are in their final years/months/weeks.  Someone gave up on the old ones for whatever reason, and I won't let them be put down without someone speaking for them while they still have their health on their side.

You will find your purpose. Give yourself time.

 

[meelasmom]

Catmomwi thank you so much. I can't tell you how much your words meant to me. I don't want to seem needy to any of you. This group know exactly how I feel and the encouragement I need. Its so sad that we have all been in the same boat. You said exactly how I feel!

Meeka, Meela's dad got outside today and I was frantic he wasn't coming when I called him. He was her dad and I see her in him.

I was thinking I can't lose him too. Almost in tears, I shone the flashlight in the back yard and finally I saw him running towards me. I hugged him and hugged him.

We have coyote around even in the town we are in. There are farms here and there and in the spring, they smell the cows having babies. They will eat anything, especially cats.

I was also thinking that I couldn't lose another precious one this soon.

My daughter left him when she moved with the intention to take him with her eventually. She lives in a city an hour away. I don't think him leaving would end well.

She left him when she went to college and he became mine..now he kind of stil is. Sine Meela got her looks from him, I see her in his eyes.

I'm glad he made it home safely..thank God!

Winksmom, no, I never got your message..not sure what could have happened. I do look forward to hearing from you though..

I wish Meela would come to me in a dream or vision to tell me she forgives me and or that she is ok now and happy. I have read others say it has happened to them. You aren't crazy Winksmom, maybe he was coming to let you know he's ok and maybe, just maybe he's taking care of my Meela.

2cats4ever, thank you for your words to. I'm so grateful for you and the encouragement you offer. I want peace and I want to smile when I think about her, not cry with guilt.

 

[IndyJones]

Chances are you will be visited in a dream if you are visited.

Apparently it is easiest for the dead to connect with us through our dreams since the spirit realm and dream realm are apparently closely connected.

Hector has visited me in dreams before. She even is capable of human speech now.

When you have one of these dreams the whole atmosphere changes it feels like you are awake yet you are sleeping. It almost feels surreal. This is how I have experienced it when Hector visits me.

Do you believe in spirits? If you have doubts about spirits or the spirit realm it can make it hard or impossible for them to visit.

 

[di and bob]

Don't ever worry about losing control at a time like this, you lost a family member that was so dear to your heart and it hurts. It takes a long time to heal a broken heart, and time is the only thing that helps. Never to get over it, but to learn to live with it, to chart a new life's order for yourself. The future will bring healing, but the scar will remain. You will come to a time in your grieving that you will understand your little one is right behind you, encouraging you to go on, to live again because one day your paths will cross again. A love like you shared is way too strong to just be gone from your soul, love is spiritual and therefore eternal, she will always be alive in your memories and with you always in spirit. Her love is a part of you now.  

 

[meelasmom]

Di and Bob. Thank you. I don't want to lose control, but it happens and more often than not. I don't know when i am ever going to feel at peace with what I did. One more day...I owed her one more day if nothing else. The scar is deep and so fresh. I can't imagine never seeing her again. I look around and see her everywhere. She used to come in the bathroom every morning and get on the shelf above the sink and watch me or wait for me. She also used to watch the the faucet. When I turned it on, she would reach down and play with the water. She would look at me and then the faucet, so I knew what she wanted. I see her dainty way she would use the litter box. I see her reaching up and scratching at the door where the cat food was stored. I see her lounging on the back of the couch and on my bed. I remember when she was younger, she would pop up from behind my head in the morning. I didn't even know she slept there. I see her that day I brought her to work after her first hospitalization. I had her kennel on my desk so she knew where I was and she could see me. She talked and talked and talked.

I am dreading tomorrow in the worst way. I won't want to get out of bed, I just know it.

IndyJones, I do believe in spirits. I believe that my cat Buddy and Neeni have crawled up on my bed at night many times at night when I am trying to go to sleep. I felt a cat jump up on the bed and walk around, but there is never a cat there. I spook myself and don't even try to look when it's happening since I am afraid I might actually see footprints. I asked her to come to me in my dream last night before I went to sleep. It didn't happen. I hope she does come to visit.

I believe the spirit part with people because I had it happen to me. My best friend and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were about 12 hours apart in age. When her grandmother died, I looked a the obituary only to see that her granddaughter had passed before her. When I saw the name, I couldn't breath. Dennisse had died almost a year before and I never knew it. I went to the funeral for her grandmother and saw her mom and sisters. We all lost it at the same time when they realized I didn't know. Dennisse died of liver failure from a lengthy unhappy life. Her mom and sister told me that when she was last hospitalized, she kept telling them that she had to come see me because she promised. It made me feel good to know she was thinking about me.

Long story short, she came to me in a dream. She said she was sorry for leaving and that we could spend the entire day together and do anything I wanted. Towards the end of the dream (which felt real) she said she had to get going. I begged her not to go, but she said she was only there for the day and it was because she had to make good on that promise she made me. She told me to take care of myself and don't cry anymore because she wasn't in any pain. She said she would always watch out for me. And that was it...

I want to start my letter to Meela, but right now I am afraid I won't stop crying once I start. I'm at work and I have been trying to keep it together.

 

[meelasmom]

I started the letter and sure enough the water works began

 

[zed xyzed]

 

[meelasmom]

I also made her a makeshift grave marker with her name on it. Omg I miss her so much. I'm a mess.

 

[zed xyzed]

I hope you have a better day today, hang in there!! we are thinking of you 

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you, but can't see how it will be. Today, one week ago, Meela was put down. It's going to be a long, hard day to get through. Thank you so much for thinking of me. One week ago, things could have been different if I hadn't acted so impulsively. Then again, maybe not, but I'll never know now. I miss her so much. I am probably going to be here a lot today.