I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down

[zed xyzed]

I am so sorry I did not realize that today has been one week from that awful day.  For your sweet Meela  

 

 

[meelasmom]

Yes one horrible long week on one of the most horrible days of my life. Thank you for the love for Meela. She was so special and greatly missed.

 

[meelasmom]

I made it through the late afternoon yesterday, but it was so hard. I kept reliving the times of 1 week ago. When I got home, it was around 4pm. I knew that I had glanced at the clock that fatal day in the vet office and saw it was between 4:45 and 4:50 when she passed. So I knew when I got home it wasn't going to be easy. I cried immediately when I walked in the door. Then I just covered up the clock in my bedroom. My husband asked me if I wanted to go eat, which we did. When I came back I didn't remove the clock cover until about 10pm.

I had a few tears, but thought that since I got through that, it has to get easier.

Then this morning came. My 16 YO son said something that hurt my feelings and then insinuated that I was a selfish person. That did it. It brought back my tears and that's how the day started. I had already been feeling selfish for what I did to Meela.

I miss her so much. I mean I really, really miss her.

I knew it would be hard losing her. It was my worst fear since the day of her surgery. It's not just that she is gone. Its what I did. I just can't seem to forget or forgive myself. One day I might be able to, but I can't right now.

I had no right to make that decision without all the facts and answers. I suggest anyone who is considering putting down an animal to take the time to know it's the only answer left. I didn't. I am so mad at myself. I hate feeling this way and thought things were starting to get better. I am not so sure any more. I feel so alone.

I don't want to come off as needy to any of you. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and hold my baby.

I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off things and a part of me has accepted that Meela is gone. It is everything else that goes back to that fatal WRONG decision I made that I can't get past or accept. I don't think any other animal has impacted me like this. Of course, I have never had to put one down before.

Thanks for listening.

 

[NewYork1303]

Often it feels like the wrong decision when you let an animal go. What you did for Meela really was the best thing for her. Its hard no matter what! I hope with time you'll be able to start feeling better having more good days, but for a while each day can be a challenge. I really do feel that you did the right thing.

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't worry about feeling needy. We are here for you.

 

[Loving Mickey]

My heart is crying for all the pain you are feeling. I know how devastating it can be to lose our special kitties. We just love them so much and only want what is best for them.
We hate to see them so ill and in pain. We would gladly take on that pain ourselves, if only our kitties would be well again.
I wish I had some magic words to comfort you. I truly do, as I totally can feel your pain.
Just know that you did all you could for your precious Meela. She knew how loved she was and loved you just as much in return!
I feel many vets put you on the spot when an animal is so ill. They immediately suggest euthanasia, which I just hate. I even hate the word.
You listened to your vet (who is supposed to be the expert) and thought with your heart.
You did everything for your Meela out of pure love, and she knew that.
She is now an Angel (along with my Mickey).
I truly believe they are watching us from above, and will remain safely in our hearts forever.
Please take care!
I am here for you, along with many others.
Please never feel alone!
That is an awful feeling and I would never want you or anyone to feel so alone in their pain and grief.
RIP Sweet Meela!
Please comfort your loved ones, as they miss you so very much!
Much love and hugs!
Gloria

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you Gloria. I sent you a private message.

I am slowly dealing with the loss of Meela, but I don't know what to do with all the feelings of guilt I had. I can't seem to rid how I feel. I don't know how to move past all of this. I am trying to keep myself busier so that I don't think about stuff so much. It will hit me every single day, multiple times that I chose to end my cat's life in a rushed decision that I didn't put a lot of thought into. I can't get past that. I don't know how. I hurt so much.

 

[Taryn Nelson]

M meelasmom I lost my cat last year, she was over 20 years old. She was slowly deteriorating but still used to eat and carry on as per normal so I told myself she was fine, that she would tell me when it was time. Every time I took her to the vet I would be so nervous, but she always pulled through. Until she had an enema done, that night we got home and she seemed strange and when phoning the vet they told me to just keep an eye on her for the night. Long story short she got worse and worse and passed tragically during the night, it seemed she'd had a stroke, and passed rather traumatically. My point is that all along I knew the time was nearing for her to pass, but I felt like having her PTS was wrong and that I would be letting her down, and selfishly I didn't want to lose her. now what haunts me most is that she suffered and nothing I could do would help her :-( if I knew then what I know now, I may have chosen to have her PTS and not suffer, we just never know. You will always wonder and you will always miss her and feel guilt, but just know that she is at peace now, and your heart too will heal over time.

 

[Taryn Nelson]

I planted a tree in my garden in memory of my kitty after she passes, guess it's my way of keeping her close and her memory alive. Maybe you could try something like that?

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you Taryn.
My baby was 10 months old to the day. I acted without really thinking about it and that is my regret. I was impulsive. I didn't go there for that. She didn't go there for that. I am just stuck right now and can't seem to move forward.

I have picked up some stuff for her grave site and plan to plant some flowers there.

 

[Taryn Nelson]

Thank you Taryn.
My baby was 10 months old to the day. I acted without really thinking about it and that is my regret. I was impulsive. I didn't go there for that. She didn't go there for that. I am just stuck right now and can't seem to move forward.

I have picked up some stuff for her grave site and plan to plant some flowers there.

Big hugs thinking of you

 

[ginny]

Hi Meelasmom, I sent you a message the other day on the temporary thread which vanished after the updated site went live. I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry about losing your kitty. I too have regrets about the circumstances that led to my having to have Gracie pts. It's such an awful time. Things have gotten better I guess you could say but I will never feel good about what had to happen on her last day. The best I can do to make peace with myself is to know that I did what I had to do in that set of circumstances. I've never had a pet pts either until Gracie, it's a devastating decision, no matter what anyone else says, one that can't be taken back once it's done. It'll be 2 years in July. I'll never be ok with it, but I can function now. I'll never forget her, ever. Keep talking about your Meela and about how you feel. It helps.

 

[ginny]

Don't try to "get rid of how you feel". Just feel it. But also remind yourself that you did the best you could at that time.

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you so much Ginny. I had a better day today. I cried at her grave but kept myself busy enough today so that I wouldn't think about as much. I don't see myself ever feeling what I did was ok. I know time heals wounds but it's going to take a lot longer than I ever thought it would.

Thank you too, Taryn.

 

[Mia6]

Thank you Gloria. I sent you a private message.

I am slowly dealing with the loss of Meela, but I don't know what to do with all the feelings of guilt I had. I can't seem to rid how I feel. I don't know how to move past all of this. I am trying to keep myself busier so that I don't think about stuff so much. It will hit me every single day, multiple times that I chose to end my cat's life in a rushed decision that I didn't put a lot of thought into. I can't get past that. I don't know how. I hurt so much.

I am so very sorry about Meela. A young vet gave me an incorrect diagnosis 17 years ago re: my Vincie girl's sister,
Chirpy. She was just a kitten but I still felt very guilty. This will pass and it will take time.

When my Lena crossed over in 2001 I was so overcome with with grief that I sought the help of a pet grief
therapist. She told me to write down all the sweet, funny, endearing qualities she had. I came across this list
not long ago and it made me smile. Maybe in time you can make one about Meela.

Take it one day at a time. We are all here for you!!!!!

Hugs,

Mia

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you Mia. I have never experienced to much guilt in my life. Nothing like this. I have to get through each day and take a deep breath whenever my eyes water up. I so wish I could go back to April 4th. I would have done things differently. I miss her so very much.

 

[meelasmom]

I grew up on a farm and animal deaths happened frequently and sometimes without reason. I have lost other cats over the years and I cried and grieved. I have never put a pet down like Meela, not have I ever had to make such a final and fatal decision. I carry so much guilt that I have to live with.

 

[Mia6]

Awww, sweetie, I am so, so sorry. Maybe watch a funny movie or a cheesy Lifetime flick.
We have fun games here on the site that may take your mind off things for a bit.

Again, Big Hugs!!!

Mia

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you. It's just a daily struggle.

 

[di and bob]

I know how soul crushing the guilt can be, in time there comes a point when you will want to start living again. Our own ends will come soon enough and I know our little ones would never want us to spend our lives in mourning, and in sadness. You have to have a purpose in life, if that purpose is to memorialize your little girl, then do so, start a group to help others share their pain, receive and give donations to help other little ones get to know what love is. You are lost right now, the grief has control over you and your life. In time this will fade to allow you to feel again, to love again, you have to take back your life so you can honor your Meela, she was a wonderful part of your life and will always be so. Don't feel guilt over something that you did out of love and concern, the what ifs always come when we realize the past can never be changed. Remember too that the love we shared will never change either, it is a part of us now and the bond you formed is eternal. Bless you for hurting so bad from loving so much. I cry for your pain.