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- #21
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I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down
- Thread starter meelasmom
- Start Date
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- #22
You're not wrong at all for wanting that. It's best if that doesn't actually happen, but wanting a chance at finding another Meela is only natural. One day I hope you find another kitten that you can love just as much and who is just as special, just in her own unique way.
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- #24
Meela's other mom, Abby, had 5 different litters of kittens over the last 4 or 5 years. The dad has always been my daughters little stud, Meeka. Every litter had at least one white kitten and they were all boys with normal colored eyes. When Meela's litter came last summer, she was the only white one. And finally there was a girl! I didn't realize she was deaf until she was a couple months old. I did the vacuum cleaner test to confirm that. I just thought she was a really good sleeper. Once I realized she was deaf, it was then that I knew I had to keep her. She had a beautiful blue and green eye, as well as sweet as could be. She was tough and played hard at times. My leg, when I was on the couch, was her spot to sit. She always slept with me and got up with me. But she wouldn't get up out of bed unless I did. First stop was the refrigerator for milk and then to the bathroom for breakfast. When Meela's brothers found homes, my husband asked about her finding a home and I told him "she already has one".
Our joke (mine, my granddaughter's and my kids) was when my husband would tell her to get down from somewhere like in front of the tv, off the bed or off the coffee table, one of us would always say, "she's deaf, she can't hear you". She was one of the family.
I had finally gotten that white odd-eyed girl I wanted. Her father is a large white odd-eyed male. He's a solid, studly beautiful boy.
She was very loyal to me. I believe I was very loyal to her. She was a lot of fun and took nothing from any of the other cats. Her deafness never really impacted her life or her routines. Her deafness was what bonded us and made us a pair.
When she saw me that weekend after the surgery when she went in for hydration and antibiotics, she tried to claw the tech to get down to get to me. When i finally held her, she did nothing but love on me and purr. It was like "thank God you are here to get me". I know she hated the hospital. It was a lonely place for her without me. It was also a strange place since she couldn't be soothed by people she didn't know. I am sure it smelled different to her too. I don't know many animals who like the vets. She came back to work with me for the last couple hours and hollered to be petted and really just to know I was still there. She wanted to be held most of the time.
That night home, her first stop was my bed. It was such an amazing transformation from Saturday to Monday. She looked, OMG, so good and healthier and on her way to a good recovery. When I was on my bed, I laid on my side watching tv. She crawled up on my shoulder and arm and just made herself comfortable. If I sat up, she curled up in my lap. It was such a good feeling. I know that next day she was depressed when she realized I was leaving. Had I really thought about it, I would have brought her with me to work. If being with me during the day meant that it would have an impact on her recovery, darn straight it would have been take your cat to work day. I truly believe there is the factor of LOVE that helps animals heal.
When she got that fever a few days later, it hit her hard. The only reason I had them keep her after her appointment that next day was that I didn't think it would hurt anything by getting IV fluids and antibiotics. She, again, was very happy to see me. She even spitefully ate for me when the vet couldn't get her to. The vet told me that if I got her to eat and drink, even a little at a time that it would have a huge impact on her getting better.
A stronger body meant that she could fight harder. So when asked them to do the IV on Tuesday, that was my intention. Get her eating and then she could fight the fever. If we could just get rid of that fever, so much progress could be made. The vet agreed with me. I wish that if any of these vets truly didn't believe she was going to get better that they should have said, "Wait a minute, you won't want to hear this but..." Don't give me false hope.
That night, there was a part of her doing the same thing to me that she had done previously. She just wanted to go home. I know I can't change what is done, but I also learned that I can't just react. I needed to use my head and weigh out options. I spend that afternoon before picking her up researching FIP. Instead of the sit-down i was supposed to have with the vet to talk about options, I ended up reacting. One day wouldn't have hurt anything. It was what she wanted. I should have at least given her that. If I had to take her back the next day, then so be it. And that's what hurts the most, not doing so.
For instance, why didn't I ask for an iron supplement or vitamins? I also realize I never gave the new antibiotic a chance to work since she had only been on it nearly 2 days. That third day might have made a difference. I do have a lot of regrets and remorse. I truly hope I am never in this situation again. I know I would do things differently and ask all the questions to weigh options instead of just acting on impulse. The end result may not have changed, but hope should never been lost until I saw it for myself. I honestly wish with bottom of my heart that I could go back to that day. I would have taken her home. If nothing else, for my children to say goodbye. My youngest had his 16th birthday that day. I almost feel like I ruined it for him. He was truly devastated when he asked where she was and I had to tell me what happened.
I know things happen for a reason, but I am not convinced nor do I feel I will be anytime in the future that acting in that moment was the right thing to do. I know I will get through this, especially being a part of such a wonderful group of people. But it is going to take time. She is not the first cat I have loved and lost and I know she won't be the last. I said I would never give up, and I feel like I did.
I know you are all going to say I did the right thing and maybe I did. But honestly, one more day would have proved to me if she were suffering. One more day would have shown if the medicines were given enough time to work. One more day would have at least give her a chance to be home and for others to say goodbye, if needed. One more day would have let me do more research and ask the vet what the options were and the possibilities of things working. Once more day would have meant that the questions I have now could have been answered before making such a big decision. One more day doesn't mean I wouldn't have still did what I did, but it certainly wouldn't have made me feel the way I do now, at least that's what I believe.
I know one thing, there has to be a Rainbow Bridge because I can't imagine this being the end.
Our joke (mine, my granddaughter's and my kids) was when my husband would tell her to get down from somewhere like in front of the tv, off the bed or off the coffee table, one of us would always say, "she's deaf, she can't hear you". She was one of the family.
I had finally gotten that white odd-eyed girl I wanted. Her father is a large white odd-eyed male. He's a solid, studly beautiful boy.
She was very loyal to me. I believe I was very loyal to her. She was a lot of fun and took nothing from any of the other cats. Her deafness never really impacted her life or her routines. Her deafness was what bonded us and made us a pair.
When she saw me that weekend after the surgery when she went in for hydration and antibiotics, she tried to claw the tech to get down to get to me. When i finally held her, she did nothing but love on me and purr. It was like "thank God you are here to get me". I know she hated the hospital. It was a lonely place for her without me. It was also a strange place since she couldn't be soothed by people she didn't know. I am sure it smelled different to her too. I don't know many animals who like the vets. She came back to work with me for the last couple hours and hollered to be petted and really just to know I was still there. She wanted to be held most of the time.
That night home, her first stop was my bed. It was such an amazing transformation from Saturday to Monday. She looked, OMG, so good and healthier and on her way to a good recovery. When I was on my bed, I laid on my side watching tv. She crawled up on my shoulder and arm and just made herself comfortable. If I sat up, she curled up in my lap. It was such a good feeling. I know that next day she was depressed when she realized I was leaving. Had I really thought about it, I would have brought her with me to work. If being with me during the day meant that it would have an impact on her recovery, darn straight it would have been take your cat to work day. I truly believe there is the factor of LOVE that helps animals heal.
When she got that fever a few days later, it hit her hard. The only reason I had them keep her after her appointment that next day was that I didn't think it would hurt anything by getting IV fluids and antibiotics. She, again, was very happy to see me. She even spitefully ate for me when the vet couldn't get her to. The vet told me that if I got her to eat and drink, even a little at a time that it would have a huge impact on her getting better.
A stronger body meant that she could fight harder. So when asked them to do the IV on Tuesday, that was my intention. Get her eating and then she could fight the fever. If we could just get rid of that fever, so much progress could be made. The vet agreed with me. I wish that if any of these vets truly didn't believe she was going to get better that they should have said, "Wait a minute, you won't want to hear this but..." Don't give me false hope.
That night, there was a part of her doing the same thing to me that she had done previously. She just wanted to go home. I know I can't change what is done, but I also learned that I can't just react. I needed to use my head and weigh out options. I spend that afternoon before picking her up researching FIP. Instead of the sit-down i was supposed to have with the vet to talk about options, I ended up reacting. One day wouldn't have hurt anything. It was what she wanted. I should have at least given her that. If I had to take her back the next day, then so be it. And that's what hurts the most, not doing so.
For instance, why didn't I ask for an iron supplement or vitamins? I also realize I never gave the new antibiotic a chance to work since she had only been on it nearly 2 days. That third day might have made a difference. I do have a lot of regrets and remorse. I truly hope I am never in this situation again. I know I would do things differently and ask all the questions to weigh options instead of just acting on impulse. The end result may not have changed, but hope should never been lost until I saw it for myself. I honestly wish with bottom of my heart that I could go back to that day. I would have taken her home. If nothing else, for my children to say goodbye. My youngest had his 16th birthday that day. I almost feel like I ruined it for him. He was truly devastated when he asked where she was and I had to tell me what happened.
I know things happen for a reason, but I am not convinced nor do I feel I will be anytime in the future that acting in that moment was the right thing to do. I know I will get through this, especially being a part of such a wonderful group of people. But it is going to take time. She is not the first cat I have loved and lost and I know she won't be the last. I said I would never give up, and I feel like I did.
I know you are all going to say I did the right thing and maybe I did. But honestly, one more day would have proved to me if she were suffering. One more day would have shown if the medicines were given enough time to work. One more day would have at least give her a chance to be home and for others to say goodbye, if needed. One more day would have let me do more research and ask the vet what the options were and the possibilities of things working. Once more day would have meant that the questions I have now could have been answered before making such a big decision. One more day doesn't mean I wouldn't have still did what I did, but it certainly wouldn't have made me feel the way I do now, at least that's what I believe.
I know one thing, there has to be a Rainbow Bridge because I can't imagine this being the end.
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- #25
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- #26
This was her a few days after surgery when she had to go back for the fever.
This was her that day she came home after being hospitalized after the pic above. What a difference.
She looked absolutely amazing.
I won't sugar coat it. You will second guess yourself a million times.
This is what I've been doing for the past year. I often wonder if I should have put my boy down sooner than letting him die at home. And I kick myself for being days away from a dr.s visit for my girl who died also last year.
In the end, I need to believe that they are in a better place and feeling no pain. I also would like to believe that they are missing me and their little spirits are close by keeping me sane as I grasp to accept their loss.
Your girl was a beautiful creature who will forever hold a place in your heart.
Grieve how you will, just know in the end, there is nothing you or any of us who have experienced a loss can go back and change anything.
Living with our decisions is the hardest part
Warmest regards - Hope
This is what I've been doing for the past year. I often wonder if I should have put my boy down sooner than letting him die at home. And I kick myself for being days away from a dr.s visit for my girl who died also last year.
In the end, I need to believe that they are in a better place and feeling no pain. I also would like to believe that they are missing me and their little spirits are close by keeping me sane as I grasp to accept their loss.
Your girl was a beautiful creature who will forever hold a place in your heart.
Grieve how you will, just know in the end, there is nothing you or any of us who have experienced a loss can go back and change anything.
Living with our decisions is the hardest part
Warmest regards - Hope
We're here, don't worry.
Thanks for posting the pictures of your beautiful girl. What a sweet face she had!
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- #29
Thank you again for giving me encouraging and inspiring words. I am finding myself just falling down sobbing. Not all the time but moments that I can't control. I want it to get better. Its just so very hard right now. I truly appreciate everyone here.
I know how devastated you feel. I lost my 10 month old kitten last summer post-surgery. The pain is still intense.
What I found comforting was to write about it like you have done here. This is almost impossible, but try to focus on the good days you had with her rather than on her last days. As the vet said, you couldn't let her suffer. Cats are very stoic & hide pain well. She may very well have felt a lot worse than you thought.
what a beautiful girl
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- #32
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- #33
It's been strange at home. My other couple cats have been hanging out with me on my bed so much more lately. I'm not sure if it's because they sense she is gone or if it's because they can sense my heartache. Her mom slept with me last night and she hasn't done that in a long time either.
I was printing out her picture last night and one of them sat staring at the computer screen that had her picture on it. I looked around to make sure, but he was staring at her picture.
I was printing out her picture last night and one of them sat staring at the computer screen that had her picture on it. I looked around to make sure, but he was staring at her picture.
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- #34
There is one thing I think might help for me to do. With Tony and Neeni..after I lost them I wrote letters them. I did it for days and then every so often. Maybe that will help me get this guilt and remorse to subside. Eventually I stopped and that must have when I was able to move on. Right now that feels like it will never happen.
Has anyone ever done that? Does it sound crazy?
Has anyone ever done that? Does it sound crazy?
It might be a mix of both things: they loved her, so they miss her and seek confort in you, and they can feel your sorrow, so they try to confort you in return.
Raist has been sleeping in Alice's spots since a week after her death and does never leave me alone now. He used to be much more independent. I guess that the other cats in your home will probably change their habits too.
Writing is never something crazy. It is a way of canalizing strong emotions, and helps a lot, that is why it is used in therapy so often. I wrote a long letter to my first cat. For Alice, I can't, it is too hard. I think I have not been able to talk about her until February. No one at home does trully understand, anyway.
Do whatever helps you. Painting, singing, cooking. Anything and everything you can try.
Raist has been sleeping in Alice's spots since a week after her death and does never leave me alone now. He used to be much more independent. I guess that the other cats in your home will probably change their habits too.
Writing is never something crazy. It is a way of canalizing strong emotions, and helps a lot, that is why it is used in therapy so often. I wrote a long letter to my first cat. For Alice, I can't, it is too hard. I think I have not been able to talk about her until February. No one at home does trully understand, anyway.
Do whatever helps you. Painting, singing, cooking. Anything and everything you can try.
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Cats can definitely pick up your sadness. And they miss her too. Some cats don't miss each other, but others do.
That's a great idea. Your pain will gradually lessen, but it will never completely go. That's because you gave your heart to an animal.
Probably both. My cats cuddle me when I cry. have had cats get depressed after they lost their buddy. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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- #38
Thank you all. I'll try anything at this point. I want to be able think of her without guilt. And I want to say I am deeply sorry for all of your losses. I really does hurt.
I grew up on a farm and cats were lost. I think it was the right of survival for her that has gotten me.
I had a cat named buddy who lived to be the ripw are of 16 and half years old. He was scratched in the eye when he was little. He ended up blind in that eye. He also couldn't meow. He had no chance..in my mind..but to be mine.
He was born in a washing machine and his mother was got by a car hours after he was born. My dad found the 3 kittens brought them to my house. My cat had just had kittens that weekend and she took right to them. Sadly one didn't make it but the two that did Zoro raised as her own.
Because there were now 7 kittens, it was right to eat and that's how Buddy got his eye scratched. And because he became the smaller of the bunch he didnt get to eat as much and as a result, his due fell out. I had to nurse him with a syringe. He k we when he saw the blue cup that it was time to eat. I did this for a few weeks until he could eat on his own. He survived and became the best friend I had in the world.
He would lick my tears when I cried and was always there. But when he was dying, I held him as he stared in my eyes and told him everything I could to show my love. I laid him down a 2nd he passed a few hours later.
It was different for his death because he had a good life and it was just his time. I smile thinking about him and his antics. He was a great friend.
Meela was different because she was so young and I fought so hard for her. I still feel like the end was all premature. But I was all she had.
I miss buddy everyday but it really was nothing like this. Buddy could have been suffering at his age and if I were truthful I would have to say I was a little relieved when passed. He gave me everything he could. It was just his time.
I have more stories I may share. I don't want to be I sensitive to anyone. We are all grieving here. Buddy's story was a happier one to tell.
I grew up on a farm and cats were lost. I think it was the right of survival for her that has gotten me.
I had a cat named buddy who lived to be the ripw are of 16 and half years old. He was scratched in the eye when he was little. He ended up blind in that eye. He also couldn't meow. He had no chance..in my mind..but to be mine.
He was born in a washing machine and his mother was got by a car hours after he was born. My dad found the 3 kittens brought them to my house. My cat had just had kittens that weekend and she took right to them. Sadly one didn't make it but the two that did Zoro raised as her own.
Because there were now 7 kittens, it was right to eat and that's how Buddy got his eye scratched. And because he became the smaller of the bunch he didnt get to eat as much and as a result, his due fell out. I had to nurse him with a syringe. He k we when he saw the blue cup that it was time to eat. I did this for a few weeks until he could eat on his own. He survived and became the best friend I had in the world.
He would lick my tears when I cried and was always there. But when he was dying, I held him as he stared in my eyes and told him everything I could to show my love. I laid him down a 2nd he passed a few hours later.
It was different for his death because he had a good life and it was just his time. I smile thinking about him and his antics. He was a great friend.
Meela was different because she was so young and I fought so hard for her. I still feel like the end was all premature. But I was all she had.
I miss buddy everyday but it really was nothing like this. Buddy could have been suffering at his age and if I were truthful I would have to say I was a little relieved when passed. He gave me everything he could. It was just his time.
I have more stories I may share. I don't want to be I sensitive to anyone. We are all grieving here. Buddy's story was a happier one to tell.
It is devastating to lose a precious baby like Meela. I totally understand and grieve with you.You did what you felt was right for her in your heart.You ended her suffering. It takes strength to have to make these decisions for our darling kitties.I took my Omelette home even though the vet said it was hopeless,and there was nothing much he could do for her.I watched as she became weaker and weaker. She lost weight rather rapidly.I just couldn't bring myself to end her life. This happened suddenly. I had no idea she was so ill with cancer. Cats hide their illness until it is too late. Omelette died in my arms at home. I too feel very guilty that I did not end her life.She was so special to me,and I loved her so very much. I hope you will heal ,and not continue to feel so guilty.It is so very hard not to feel this way.We all know how you are feeling,and are here for you.I am sending hugs,and love to you.
