Chai Kitty

[Purr-fect]

You are a good person. Chai was a special cat.

Our little girl motu, went to sleep, cradled in my arms at the vet clinic.

I am sure Chai was comforted by your contact and presence.

Cats like Chai are why I have always adopted.

Thank you for sharing you and Chai's story.

 

[rosegold]

Did she know she was loved? And did she know just how special she was?

These are the questions I’ve been wrestling with. I finally got up the courage to watch a video of her when one morning she woke me up purring and rubbing on my hand. It’s just a simple video of petting and talking to her while she blinked at me. My mind has been clouded with images of her suffering and in pain, but I think it was cathartic (although terribly sad) to watch and remember that she really did have these sweet moments of pure contentment too. Such extreme peace without any fear or shyness. Just love. I think she did know she was loved, because she returned the love with all her heart.

The other question I don’t know. I think in her mind she wasn’t particularly any more special than any other cat. She would’ve happily spent the rest of her days worshipping queen Chilli with heart-eyes like she was the luckiest peasant girl.

Speaking of Chilli, I have found it really healing to talk to her (and cry on her fluffy fur) about Chai. Since she was the only other one who really knew Chai for who she was. I told Chilli thank you for giving love and comfort to Chai and for being her superstar. I told her thank you for playing with Chai, grooming her, being patient with her, letting her sleep nearby, never complaining when Chai stole her kibbles. I told her she did such a good job and was a great big sister. And that I was sorry if she missed her and that I missed her too. I have felt so alone in this but I had kind of forgotten that it wasn’t just me and Chai. It was me, Chai, and Chilli. Even though she’s just a cat and it sounds kind of silly, she WAS there with us and she went through everything too. Having her here as that constant, and as the only other “person” who could understand just how special Chai was, is a really lovely thing.

 

[rubysmama]

 

[rosegold]

Something unbelievable just happened...

I just found photos of Chai from when she was a street cat and they trapped and rescued her, on a cat internet cafe, completely unrelated to the shelter she came from. (The same site where I found Clove for adoption, actually.)

I browse the site sometimes, just for fun and to look at cats and practice my language skills. There is a subsection for TNR, rescue, etc, and I just suddenly wondered if, by some insane chance, I should scroll through the posts to fall 2017 when she was rescued. Just to see. I don’t know why I had a gut feeling but suddenly I saw her post and I couldn’t breathe for a second.

I’ll put a spoiler since the photos show her injured leg.

Spoiler: injured leg

There was a video too, of her in the trap. She looked scared but somehow hopeful. Scared but so brave. Just like she always did. I can’t describe how it feels to see photos and videos of this... I don’t know what any of the feelings I’m having are... except just how very, very much pure love I feel for her.

Then, I read the post. It said where she was found and trapped. It wasn’t Seoul like I always thought... It was a small village in the middle of Korea... and it turns out it was a few miles away from where I was living at the time.

She was always near me. Even though neither of us knew it. She was always with me and always waiting. And for whatever silly reason, knowing she was so close to me at that time and knowing she eventually left the world peacefully in my arms, pressed up against my heart... it feels just a little less painful than it did before. It feels like if she was close to me then, she surely still must be close to me now, somehow, even if I don’t know it.

I will probably reach out to the person who rescued her. It looks like she rescues and TNRs a lot of cats and I want her to know how grateful I am that she trapped Chai.

Maybe I will visit that village sometime. It looks so beautiful and peaceful—just the place her spirit deserves to rest.

 

[Lari]

That's so beautiful. Clearly it's another sign you two were meant to be together.

I'm glad you were able to find all that.

 

[Antonio65]

Chai guided you to find that web page, she wanted you to know how lucky she had been, because the love she knew in your arms had its birth on that day.
Cats are magic, I have a few evidences of this, they can do what they want when they are alive and when they are angels.

 

[rosegold]

I forgot to mention that the rescuer wrote about how that village was so kind and loving to street cats, too. She wrote that every house had food bowls and shelters outside and feral cats playing in the yards. Those ferals were obviously pretty well taken care of and the main reason she trapped Chai was because the locals cared and were concerned about her leg.

It makes my heart really warm and happy to learn all of this. Even though her experience at the shelter wasn’t the most positive, she DID have other people before that who loved and cared about her, and a rescuer who set up three different kinds of traps to save her. Maybe she even had a relatively happy kittenhood, with kind locals and winter shelters and food provided in that village. I’ll never know the full story of her life, but knowing a little more about it gives me some closure.

 

[Antonio65]

she DID have other people before that who loved and cared about her, and a rescuer who set up three different kinds of traps to save her. Maybe she even had a relatively happy kittenhood, with kind locals and winter shelters and food provided in that village. I’ll never know the full story of her life, but knowing a little more about it gives me some closure.

That's so moving...

 

[rubysmama]

That's so moving...

Yeah, it made me teary-eyed too.

I'm also glad learning more about Chai, rosegold , is helping you find some closure.

 

[rosegold]

I've been going through some old text messages with friends and family members from when I first met and visited Chai, and they made me smile. In those first few weeks, I talked to a lot of people in my life about whether or not to adopt a semiferal cat. At the time I thought I was being rational and logical and considering all the options... But reading these... the decision had clearly already been made, in my heart. From the moment I met her, I was just madly in love with that shy, sweet little three-legged calico cat.

 

[ans5181]

I've been going through some old text messages with friends and family members from when I first met and visited Chai, and they made me smile. In those first few weeks, I talked to a lot of people in my life about whether or not to adopt a semiferal cat. At the time I thought I was being rational and logical and considering all the options... But reading these... the decision had clearly already been made, in my heart. From the moment I met her, I was just madly in love with that shy, sweet little three-legged calico cat.

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So nice that you have those... it was clearly meant to be! Lucky for you both

 

[rosegold]

It’s just so hard. I just want her here.

It’s been almost 2 months and I still cry every day. It almost seems like I’m crying more and more with each passing day and that it’s getting worse, not better. For some reason I keep crying on public transportation as well which is embarrassing. I cry myself to sleep every night and wake up (after a lot of insomnia and nightmares) feeling awful. Feelings of guilt and failure as well as obsessive, intrusive thoughts about the events leading up to her death are both very, very strong.

Anyway, lol, enough about my [lack of] mental health... I am struggling lately over not having her ashes, pawprint, or any other physical object to touch. I’m not usually sentimental about that sort of thing, but I miss her physical presence so much. Today I was looking into those little stuffed animals you can order where they customize it to look like your pet. It sounded nice to have a little stuffed kitty resembling Chai to hug when I miss her. But as I was looking at the customization options I just started crying again. In addition to some photos, it limits you to three special characteristics or details you can ask for. I wrote missing a front left leg, a half mustache, and her calico smoke coloring. But then I realized that no one is going to customize a smoke color. They would just make her traditional calico. I don’t even know if they can do a three-legged cat. And what about other things? What about her two little colored spots on each back foot? What about the little knotty stump in her shoulder where her leg is gone? What about the pretty rings and stripes in her tail, and the way it curled when she was happy? What about her chunky little body and the way she put her ears flat when she wanted head pets? A stuffed animal could never capture her accurately and I’m starting to think it might just make it worse.

Clove looks less and less like Chai as she grows up, which is fine—she was never meant to be a replacement and she’s her own wonderful self—but the feeling that Chai “sent” a lookalike kitten to comfort me is fading. Initially comforting platitudes about her being happy at the rainbow bridge or in kitty heaven are fading, too. Wherever she is, she isn’t here, and the selfish part of my grief is starting to come out in full force. As much as I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore, I’M still suffering without her here.

I’ve joined several different pet loss forums and groups to try and find support, but somehow I always end up feeling like I’m being too “much.” I guess because my personality is one that doesn’t hesitate to dive into pain and feel things deeply, which can make others uncomfortable. Who knows.

I find comfort on this site because I feel like those here knew and enjoyed Chai more than any of my friends and family, since I shared her so often.

But today has been hard.

 

[ans5181]

I'm really sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now. I don't think you're too extra with your feelings at all (from a fellow "extra" feeling person, I can't tell you how many times I have been called "sensitive", "emotional", "passionate", or "dramatic" in ways that are not complimentary). This is the part where you just have to breathe and take it one minute at a time, one day at a time. I love the stuffed animal idea, but it broke my heart reading that like it did yours and I think that having a physical representation might be more painful than helpful, for all the reasons that you talked about. Loss is so shitty, there's no way around it and no way to shortcut it, you have to slog through every moment of it. The only thing I can say is, don't stop coming here and talking about it. One thing that I have found helpful is reminding myself that everything in the world is impermanent. When I first heard that phrase, it used to bother me, because I would think about things like losing a loved one or a relationship for whatever reason and it would make me sad. But after negative life experiences and loss, I realized that the impermanence was a blessing, too. It's impossible to comprehend when you feel like your life is falling in on you, but these feelings will not last forever. Your state of being is impermanent. You will not always feel broken and miserable. I promise promise promise that this will get better. I do believe in the permanence of love across boundaries. Call it Chai, call it Karma, call it chance, but Clove came along when she was supposed to. You are supposed to have her. And just because she isn't looking so much like Chai anymore, doesn't mean that you will forget Chai, or that Clove won't help you carry on her memory.
I don't have an easy answer or platitudes about grief. It's awful and it hurts. It's also proof of what a big capacity we all have for love. It's ok to go through this, it's ok to cry on the train, it's ok to not sleep and have bad dreams and feel sad and have guilt and doubts. Please try to forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself while you go through this. You have no reason to feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. I hope that you begin to feel better. Big hugs to you...

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so sorry you're still struggling with the loss of Chai.

Feelings of guilt and failure as well as obsessive, intrusive thoughts about the events leading up to her death are both very, very strong.

Please try not to let yourself feel guilt or failure about what happened with Chai. You did nothing wrong, except maybe opening your heart and adopting a special cat who needed a special purr-son.

 

[Lari]

Feelings of guilt and failure as well as obsessive, intrusive thoughts about the events leading up to her death are both very, very strong.

I read something recently that was along the lines of "what you're feeling is real but not true." I remember clicking on your first post about Chai back like a year ago, wanting to adopt her. Following your story I know you would have moved mountains for that girl. There was nothing else you could have done. You did not fail her. You gave her an amazing life.

If it helps, I will read everything you write about Chai, no matter if it's tomorrow or longer. I haven't been through this sort of loss yet, but I'll do my best to be supportive anyway.

 

[rosegold]

ans5181 rubysmama Lari Thanks so, so much for taking the time to write such kind words here and lending your support. It really means a lot.

I think the feelings of guilt and failure are a defense mechanism against the feeling of helplessness, which is so much harder to deal with. It would be easier to accept things if there was a clear cause or reason or "sense" to it-- even my own failing, because that means I could've done something different to change the outcome (and I could theoretically do something different in the future). But I don't think I could have. To have done everything right, for a young cat with her whole life ahead of her, and still have this horrible outcome feels totally unreal and unjust. It feels like such an absurdly bad scenario that the only way I can justify it is by trying to assign blame somewhere. How can such a wicked, painful, senseless loss have no perpetrator? I'm still trying to accept that.

However, I wrote my last post and went to sleep, and this morning I woke up feeling strangely lighter. I remembered a few minutes later that I dreamed about Chai last night, a happy dream for once, and got to pet her in the dream. I hope many more dreams like that come.

Your state of being is impermanent.

I like your thoughts on this a lot. Thank you for sharing.

As someone who's not particularly religious, I've also gotten a lot of comfort from this piece about grief, death, and physics. Planning Ahead Can Make a Difference in the End

I found this picture recently and it makes my heart ache. What a beautiful time it was. The two of them together were such a precious little unit. This picture reminds me of the many hopes, dreams, and visions of the future that I lost along with Chai... I wanted to take another picture like this in ten years, when they were cute old lady cats. I wasn't just attached to each cat as an individual, but to the idea of us, together. I wanted the three of us to be a family for many years. I am mourning the loss of that family and those dreams, even as I am also mourning Chai herself.

I found this picture too. Little chunk. She was so so beautiful.

 

[ans5181]

I've been thinking about you. How was the rest of your week?

 

[di and bob]

Try to remember, pain is as natural as the world around you, and a broken heart is especially painful. Embarrassing tears are only embarrassing to you. There are times when you have to cry, when the pain builds up to a point it can no longer be contained. I have always likened sorrow to the ocean. At times peaceful, with gently lapping waves,us floating weightless on top. And then suddenly out of nowhere, WHAM, comes a tsunami of emotion and pain that literally takes your breathe away and drowns you in it's depths. Somehow we survive, the love we have for them gives us strength to swim through it. The ocean returns to it's placid loveliness, until the next time. And it will return, because our love is as deep as that ocean, and as ageless......

 

[Mia6]

Oh my, Chai was a beauty. It's so very hard to lose our babies. I still cry about all of mine who are at the bridge. When I hear the creaky step I know it is my Kirsten stopping by to make certain I'm ok and if I've begun eating Hagen-Dazs strawberry which we used to share. I just recently began eating it again without crying and think of her and smile. Your sweet Chai is with you always.

Hugs,

Mia

 

[Antonio65]

I just recently began eating it again without crying and think of her and smile. Your sweet Chai is with you always.

Hugs,

Mia

I'm so happy you are in a new positive step of your life!