Chai Kitty

[rosegold]

My lovely regular vet was able to contact the other clinic, get the records, and send them to me for free within 20 minutes. He was so understanding of why I wanted them for closure and expressed his sadness and sympathy again, and sent me a cute video of his toddler playing with their cats to cheer me up. What an awesome guy.

Well, I shared the bloodwork, xrays, and ultrasounds with the FIP experts on the facebook group and they helped me so much. They explained how in their opinion, based on the results of the tests conducted, she either had FIP (most likely) or an incurable lymphoma that had reached her brain. Either way, the tests showed there wasn’t a chance for her to recover. And no matter what I made the right (and only) decision by euthanizing her. I am so grateful to them for helping me understand this from a logical, factual, medical standpoint—for me and the way my brain processes things, that REALLY helps.

Knowing this for certain now, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The situation will never not be so terribly sad and unfair, but now at least I feel released from the guilt. I am now just so incredibly grateful for how peacefully she left the world, and that I was able to give her that gift of leaving us with dignity and happiness, on her own terms, when faced with such a terrible fate.

I am now able to look at pictures of her again without having to feel so much guilt. I hope this marks an important step in the grieving process for me. I think I always want to share her story with others and keep her alive that way. I’m a writer, so who knows... maybe she will get her own memoir someday.

It’s funny—I’m really not a particularly spiritual or religious person, but I am allowing myself to believe and feel anything I want right now about death and the afterlife to help bring me closure. I am allowing my thoughts and beliefs to change and change again as much as they want if they will bring me comfort. It doesn’t even matter if I fully “believe” them—I’m letting myself have them anyway. Having been raised strictly religious, the fluidity of this mindset is oddly freeing. I decided I felt like Chai’s presence was with me today. Oddly enough I had the strangest feeling that she’s hanging out with my late grandma. I love to think of them together. My grandma was one of the kindest and most caring people I’ve ever met so I know she will take great care of my kitty. Whether it’s “real” or not, the memories of them both live on as real as can be in my heart.

 

[Tobermory]

I felt so much relief and...lightness...when reading your post rosegold ! Chai was so lucky you found her and realized that the two of you were meant to be together. I think you’re still together.

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so glad your vet was able to get Chai's records, so that your brain could understand and accept what your heart knew all along. You loved Chai, and did all that was humanly possible to make her life better. But you, and the vets, are only human, and when there was nothing else to do, you freed your girl from her pain. All done with love.

 

[rosegold]

I bought this little cat light today and put it next to my bed to remind me of Chai. Isn’t it cute? It even looks like it might be a chunky tripod, just like her. Since I don’t have her ashes or anything, I think this will be a nice comforting physical reminder of her in my house.

 

[mama africa]

It's very beautiful, rosegold . Chai will continue to enlighten your life.

 

[Tobermory]

I bought this little cat light today and put it next to my bed to remind me of Chai. Isn’t it cute? It even looks like it might be a chunky tripod, just like her. Since I don’t have her ashes or anything, I think this will be a nice comforting physical reminder of her in my house.
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I can see why you were drawn to this light!

 

[Lari]

I love your little light!

I didn't see the update about the tests until now, but I'm glad you got that closure.

I like to believe Chai is giving your grandma lots of cuddles.

 

[di and bob]

Grief is an intensely personal, private experience for each person involved. Noone can feel or experience what you are feeling because they were not the one with the relationship. Someone who has gone through the experience and been torn apart as you have been can empathize with you but not in the same overwhelming way. I think that is why it hurts so bad, we are the one who has lost a part of our world, not anyone else. Others may hurt too about the same loss, but the one who has melded their soul with the loved one, shared their life, shared their whole being, is the one who suffers the most. You have actually lost a part of yourself and it will never be the same.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel. The part that has left you was a part of them, and the leaving is what causes such pain. But since they are a part of you, a part of your heart and your soul, there is always a part of them left behind, to be always with you, to always be there to bring comfort through your precious memories and the feelings you shared. That love which can NEVER leave you, and never will. As long as you are alive to remember, to love, so is she.......

 

[rosegold]

I think that is why it hurts so bad, we are the one who has lost a part of our world, not anyone else. Others may hurt too about the same loss, but the one who has melded their soul with the loved one, shared their life, shared their whole being, is the one who suffers the most. You have actually lost a part of yourself and it will never be the same.

Yes, exactly. It is so lonely to be the only one who feels her loss so immensely. I think in time, though, that pain will be replaced by gratitude that of all the humans in the world, *I* was the one lucky enough to be Chai’s mom. It feels overwhelming that I was able to spend even a short period of time with a creature as amazing as her, and that boring old me was the one she decided to trust and love.

I miss her so, so, so much. I found her favorite toy yesterday. I had put it away the day she died and just now found it again. It’s a little beat up green dragonfly plushie that you attach to the end of a fishing rod toy. She chewed the wings off so it kind of just looks like a little green worm. We called it “Green Man.” Chilli never liked that one but Chai loved it. I’ll never forget the first time I played with her with that toy. Seeing the pure joy of a cat playing with a toy in a warm house, jumping around, pouncing, swishing her tail, her pupils getting all big... something that all other cats take for granted, but this cat had never experienced such a simple joy in her life before. I just want to play with her one last time.

I could cry ad nauseam about how unfair it is. But it really is unfair, so completely unfair and unjust to lose her. I love Clove, but it’s taking a long time to bond with her and sometimes kittens are hard and her strong personality just reminds me of how much she isn’t Chai. I love Chilli, but she’s not Chai either and she has happily moved beyond her grieving to her new life with Clove. They are my cats, and I love them, but Chai was somehow different.

I waited so long for her... then she was here, and then she was gone... sometimes I feel like she’s still at the shelter waiting for me, and all we have to do is be a little more patient until I can bring her home for good—and then I remember she’s not, she’s not anywhere. And I feel so horribly sad. It’s like having a really good dream and then waking up and nothing was real and none of it existed after all. I wish I could fall asleep and go back into that dream. It was such a good one.

 

[di and bob]

I agree completely.......

 

[rubysmama]

 

[Antonio65]

Ysometimes I feel like she’s still at the shelter waiting for me, and all we have to do is be a little more patient until I can bring her home for good—and then I remember she’s not, she’s not anywhere.

For weeks or months I felt like my cats were just away at the clinic where they had stayed for a few times in her last period of their life.
And I thought that they were coming home any day.
Their things were left were they were, waiting for their return... that never happened.

 

[di and bob]

Oh Antonio, the love you have for them will ALWAYS have a home in their hearts, and in yours too. The love you shared is a part of you, a forever home in every way!

 

[Antonio65]

Thanks di and bob , your beautiful words touched my heart!

 

[di and bob]

I truly feel your, and every other poor soul's pain that has lost someone, I wish I could take it away......

 

[rosegold]

There is a lot to be said about the therapeutic effects of petting a cat, and I miss petting Chai so very very very much. Chilli has her moments of affection, and Clove likes to get attention in the form of playtime, but neither will sit there forever purring for pets the way Chai did. She would purr unfailingly ANYTIME I reached out to her and would give me endless affection and head bumps. Sometimes I would pet her for 20 minutes straight and she never got tired of it. It always brought me such calm and peace and I would always seek her out when I felt stressed or anxious.

Petting her and hearing her purr was more than just petting a nice ordinary cat, too. Petting her MEANT something. Every nose nudge she gave me meant something. Every slow blink meant something. To both of us. It reminded us of all the time and hard work and patience we had spent with each other in my bathroom. It signified and solidified the bond we had built. Every time she pushed her head against me, she told me how much she trusted me and how truly happy she was for the first time in her life. Every time I petted her I told her how much I loved her and believed in her, and that she deserved love and affection and safety just like every other cat. Being able to pet her was like a celebration of how brave she was, and of how completely RIGHT everything felt now that she was finally home. It’s something I had dreamed about but didn’t think would come true, at least not that quickly. I treasure those moments of petting her and I’m so grateful that I have so many videos of it. But sometimes I find myself walking around the house as if searching for something... or waking up in the morning and feeling like something’s missing... and what I really want is to pet Chai one last time.

I hope Clove grows more affectionate as she becomes an adult and mellows out. I really miss having an affectionate kitty. Chilli has been pretty affectionate lately, though, and keeps coming on my lap which is something she rarely does. She doesn’t care about being pet and if I pet her too much she’ll leave. She just wants to make muffins on my sweatshirt.

 

[rosegold]

Slowly adding to Chai’s corner. I think I will display her little “green man” toy here, in some way that the other cats can’t get it, and also cut a bit of her favorite blankie that she passed away in. It’s been washed, but it still reminds me of her. Trying to think of other things I can put. Maybe a framed photo or a drawing of her, if I ever get around to commissioning one. Clove has been using her bowls, but I could put them up here instead and get Clove her own bowls.

I feel like it’s important for me to have this place for her, even if I don’t have ashes or very many other physical things to put... I can at least put symbolic representations of her here, like the light. But it’s hard because I can’t leave any of this stuff out unsupervised yet or Clove will chew on it. :/ I try to set it up when I’m missing Chai a lot, and I can shoo Clove away, but it’ll be a while before Clove grows out of her crazy chewing kitten phase and I can leave valuable things out unsupervised again. Sigh...

 

[Bella's Mommy]

I'm sorry for your loss

 

[Lari]

View attachment 278406

Slowly adding to Chai’s corner. I think I will display her little “green man” toy here, in some way that the other cats can’t get it, and also cut a bit of her favorite blankie that she passed away in. It’s been washed, but it still reminds me of her. Trying to think of other things I can put. Maybe a framed photo or a drawing of her, if I ever get around to commissioning one. Clove has been using her bowls, but I could put them up here instead and get Clove her own bowls.

I feel like it’s important for me to have this place for her, even if I don’t have ashes or very many other physical things to put... I can at least put symbolic representations of her here, like the light. But it’s hard because I can’t leave any of this stuff out unsupervised yet or Clove will chew on it. :/ I try to set it up when I’m missing Chai a lot, and I can shoo Clove away, but it’ll be a while before Clove grows out of her crazy chewing kitten phase and I can leave valuable things out unsupervised again. Sigh...

Beautiful set-up!

 

[Mia6]

rosegold That is beautiful!!