Chai Kitty

[rosegold]

I've been thinking about you. How was the rest of your week?

Thank you, it’s so kind of you to ask. My week has been really busy due to starting a new job, but I think the distraction was good since I didn’t have time to linger in grief.

I think it’s been very hard on me to have baby Clove on cage rest. I’m trying to bond with my new baby to give me comfort and healing from Chai’s passing, but it’s so hard when she has to be in a cage crying all the time. It’s been 5 weeks now (only 1 week left, fingers crossed). It’s sad and stressful for both of us and I’m so exhausted from cat injuries/illnesses. Since late September when I first adopted Chai, nonstop until now, there has always been SOME kind of cat medical issue. 4 and a half months straight is a LONG time to be constantly worrying about my babies. Chai’s various serious issues, of course, Chilli injuring her nose, Chilli eating (and luckily vomiting up) plastic, Chilli mourning Chai’s death for a few weeks and not acting herself, Clove’s chronic diarrhea, Chilli getting gastritis from stress, and finally Clove breaking her paw which is still healing. Can’t I catch a break??

I have always likened sorrow to the ocean.

Beautiful metaphor and rings very true... Thank you for sharing.

I think I’ll share photos of Chai on here periodically. I explained to my friend today that it helps me to share her photos, because it helps me recognize the meaning and worth she had in her life (when her death felt so meaningless).

Her warm spot under the coffee table.

My favorite view when I got home. <3

 

[Antonio65]

Since late September when I first adopted Chai, nonstop until now, there has always been SOME kind of cat medical issue. 4 and a half months straight is a LONG time to be constantly worrying about my babies. Chai’s various serious issues, of course, Chilli injuring her nose, Chilli eating (and luckily vomiting up) plastic, Chilli mourning Chai’s death for a few weeks and not acting herself, Clove’s chronic diarrhea, Chilli getting gastritis from stress, and finally Clove breaking her paw which is still healing. Can’t I catch a break??

I feel your stress and pain, believe me. Only those who have gone through something similar can quite understand what that means.

My favorite view when I got home. <3
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Such a precious memory indeed. Chai is so sweet in this photo

 

[Mia6]

I love the pic of her underneath the coffee table, so sweet. She looks so adorable in her little bed.

 

[rubysmama]

I'm glad you've started work again. I think the distraction will be good for you. And now that Clove's crate rest is almost over, hopefully things will finally be calm in your purr-sonal life.

 

[ans5181]

Work can be a welcome distraction, can't it? Sounds like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Clove will be able to be released into the home soon...it is so frustrating to have so much happen at once. It never rains, but it pours, yes?

And your cats are all so beautiful, I love the pictures. Chai reminds me of a friend's cat who also had to have her leg amputated. She is a little Siamese and her name is Trio. I always have thought it was super clever and cute

 

[rosegold]

Missing this girl so much today.

 

[Antonio65]

Chai will be missed by many, by Chilli and Clove too.
And maybe up there, at the Pets' Heaven, they were missing an angel, and called Chai to fill in.

 

[rosegold]

Sometimes, the “what if?” demon hits so painfully hard.

What if she didn’t have FIP? What if it was a misdiagnosis, as it can often be with FIP? What if I had taken her to more vets and a misdiagnosis could’ve been detected and her life could’ve been saved? What if I had insisted that we run more definitive tests before choosing to put her to sleep? What if it was just an infection, just something simple and easily cured? Why didn’t I fight harder for her? Why didn’t I drag her to every vet in the city, in the country, to try and save her life? Why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I request all the blood results so I could research for myself what they meant? How could I just give up on her so fast? Why didn’t I ask this question or say that reply? What if I had opted for lifelong steroids for the stomatitis and not full mouth extraction? What if I had wrapped her up more warmly when she went in the carrier? What if I had fed her better food, changed her water bowl twice a day rather than once, cleaned the litter box more often? What if I used a different vet for the mouth extraction? What if I had done x, y, and z thing differently... and what if she would’ve been alive and well? What if she looks down on me with resentment and not forgiveness because she thinks I gave up on her? Or worse, what if she feels alone and abandoned, like even the person she trusted most betrayed her and failed her in the end like all the rest?

I know it’s very melodramatic. I know it’s not “true.” I just feel so guilty sometimes when I think of all the things I could’ve/should’ve done, especially when it comes to the FIP diagnosis. I was so ignorant and I didn’t know how common an FIP misdiagnosis could be. And I was so devastated by the initial diagnosis, and the thought of losing her, that I think I couldn’t bear to get my hopes up that somehow it was a misdiagnosis for fear that I would be torn apart even worse than I already was. It’s making me feel like choosing to euthanize her early must’ve been a selfish move on my behalf, to spare myself dashed hopes and extra pain, rather than a selfless one (to spare her suffering and let her go with dignity) like I kept trying to convince myself it was. I don’t know. I’m second-guessing everything I did and felt in that terrible nightmare of a time and I can’t stop agonizing over the what-ifs.

And it WAS a nightmare. Not only losing Chai, but the whole situation. It felt unreal. I can’t remember if I talked about on here how I basically didn’t sleep or eat at all in the days after her diagnosis... just cared for her and petted her and spent every single moment right beside her for hours and hours... and how the morning she passed, the boiler in my apartment broke and my house was freezing cold, with this dying cat I was trying desperately to keep warm with hot water bottles and hot packs and blankets just so I could take her to the vet and, essentially, kill her... I had a hysterical breakdown sobbing and wailing on the floor because I was so sleep-deprived and emotionlly distraught that I had convinced myself that the pipes would burst and flood the house and kill Chilli or that she would freeze to death while I was at the vet putting Chai to sleep. I was barely able to get out of the house with my mom trying to help me over the phone. I have had several pets die so far in my life, including a dog and a VERY beloved childhood hamster, and all those experiences sucked and were terribly sad, but this was just a whole other level of insane grief. I don’t WANT to think about it—I want to just remember Chai for her happy moments—but when the guilt swoops in it is impossible not to relive all of that over and over again.

I can’t even look at pictures of her today. It’s just too upsetting.

 

[Lari]

Oh rosegold

You did the best you could with what you had at the time. Even if it was a misdiagnosis, a mistake, there's no way Chai would look at you with resentment.

 

[rosegold]

Okay, this made me smile a little today.

 

[ans5181]

Hahaha that's great! That face!

 

[rosegold]

That was Chai’s favorite place and now it’s Clove’s too. I guess it’s a calico thing.

 

[Tobermory]

Okay, this made me smile a little today.
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Me, too!

 

[rosegold]

Friday mornings are always hard.

I’m remembering this first day that she came out of the bathroom, and that instant transformation into the happiest, most relaxed baby, purring and meowing on the warm floor, in her forever home. Everything felt so right in that moment. The sheer joy I felt, seeing her so fully happy knowing all that she’d been through, was indescribable. I couldn’t even touch her yet when this photo was taken but I was still overwhelmed with joy and love and happiness. I loved every inch of her. That soft belly, that little round face, the black tummy spots, the short legs, the chunky tail, the big yellow eyes, the cute annoying meow, the loud rumbly purr.

Why did it have to turn out this way for us? Why me? Most of all, why her? I miss her so much. It’s just so unfair. She was my baby and I would have done anything for her.

The last time I tried to talk to a close friend about Chai—I was just trying to talk about a happy memory of something cute she did—I was immediately shut down and told it was “too sad” and my friend didn’t want to talk about it. Some others have listened dutifully but I know that no one really wants to hear me cry about a cat that they never met. I did end up talking to a coworker about it recently and, bless her heart, SHE started crying in sympathy. That was validating and made me feel like less of a useless crybaby who needs to get over it. But I still feel that there is no one left to mourn this cat, this angelic creature, properly except me. Maybe that’s why I’m having so much trouble letting go and “moving on.” In life and in death, I feel responsible for her and extremely protective over her. I guess that’s why I get so upset when the shelter continues to call her “Iris” or act like she was theirs and they cared just as much.

I’m rambling now again... better get myself together and get ready for work. I just really, really miss my little girl.

 

[Antonio65]

But I still feel that there is no one left to mourn this cat, this angelic creature, properly except me. Maybe that’s why I’m having so much trouble letting go and “moving on.”

I'm sure this applies to everyone (or most) of us.
Only those who have lived with and loved their cat so much, as you do, as we do, can feel the real pain of that loss.
You can tell everybody what you did for your cat, the extent of your love, the uniqueness of your cat. The others will listen to you, but they will hardly understand what you mean, let alone what you feel.
We're alone in our pain, in our grief, in our mourn. Whoever feels the closest possible to you, will still be light years far from your pain.

 

[Mia6]

You can cry all you want to here, sweetie,

 

[rubysmama]

Some others have listened dutifully but I know that no one really wants to hear me cry about a cat that they never met.

I never met Chai, but I feel I knew her, and loved her, and of course I don't feel the same heart-break as you, but I was still devastated when her beautiful happy ending turned to tragedy. But, please try to remember she did have a short happy ending thanks to you and Chili.

And do know you can come here and share all your thoughts and memories and tears with us. Though I hope eventually some of the pain and sorrow will fade, and you'll be able to talk about the happy moments without feeling as sad.

 

[Lari]

I never met Chai, but I feel I knew her, and loved her, and of course I don't feel the same heart-break as you, but I was still devastated when her beautiful happy ending turned to tragedy. But, please try to remember she did have a short happy ending thanks to you and Chili.

And do know you can come here and share all your thoughts and memories and tears with us. Though I hope eventually some of the pain and sorrow will fade, and you'll be able to talk about the happy moments without feeling as sad.

 

[rosegold]

So, I decided that I was going to get copies of all Chai’s test results so that I can see the numbers for myself, maybe ask some other experts, and feel closure about whether it was/wasn’t a misdiagnosis of FIP. I think my regular vet has copies of all these things too, but I felt kind of weird about asking him since he was the one who euthanized her... and I don’t want it to seem like I’m mistrusting him or second-guessing his judgment. (Even though, in a way, that is what I’m doing.) So several days ago I emailed the larger vet clinic who initially ran all the tests and diagnosed her. No reply. I called them today and asked again, for copies to either be emailed to be or printed out for me to pick up. I was told that they cannot do either of those things. The only way I can get copies is to *pay* for a CD with copies on it and then go pick it up. I do not have a CD drive so then I’d have to either buy one or go to a library or something and transfer everything to a USB. I said yes, I’ll pick up a CD, so they made me an appointment for tomorrow, but now I’m regretting it. I’m this close to just calling back, canceling the appointment to pick up the CD, and instead getting over my anxieties and asking my regular vet tomorrow if he has all the copies. He’s given me copies and photos of xrays before (no charge, of course) and he is a much smaller clinic than this other one.

I don’t really know what to do—I know it shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it’s so emotionally exhausting. The thought of calling the big clinic back again, waiting on hold for an English speaker, and canceling the appointment to pick up the CD is enough to make me want to crawl back into bed and never talk to another vet (or human) again. I can’t message my regular vet until tomorrow (after the scheduled appointment time). I have never heard of vets not being able to print out or email copies of bloodwork, etc for their clients. Especially such a large, well-known, well-respected clinic such as this. I asked a local pet group and all of them were equally surprised and said it sounded suspicious like they were trying to hide something by being purposefully uncooperative. Which, of course, does nothing to make me feel less guilty or worried.

I guess I should cancel the appointment and talk to my regular vet tomorrow. Easier said than done.

The other thing was that the person I spoke to over the phone was the actual vet who diagnosed her (not a receptionist since they don’t speak any English). He kept insisting that the diagnosis was certain and questioning me about what happened to Chai, and had a very “I-told-you-so” attitude once he learned that she passed away. No sympathy, no “I’m sorry for your loss”... just being difficult and callous. He wouldn’t even explain WHY they can’t give me copies on a piece of paper. I’m so frustrated and upset about this. Why can’t I just get my copies, for FREE, and get some closure?

 

[Antonio65]

Did you pay for those tests?
If you did, well, those results are yours and they must hand them to you. If you didn't pay for them and someone else did, that someone else is entitled to have them.
Over here the vet MUST give the test results after I pay for the visit and the tests. Either the vet prints them for me, or gives me a CD, or emails them to me.

My thought is that if they are willing to give you (or anybody else) the results, they're trying to hide something.