Chai Kitty

rosegold

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Today I had to let go of my sweet, beautiful, and indescribably special girl Chai. She went very peacefully and painlessly in my arms, wrapped in her favorite blanket and looking into my eyes purring gently until the sedation kicked in and she fell asleep... I kissed her goodbye and stayed with her to the end... But I can’t stop crying and it feels like there a piece of me has died with her. It was FIP, and while FIP is by nature cruel and unfair, this is honestly one of the cruelest and unfairest experiences I have ever had to go through in my life. It was far too soon and totally unexpected. I am completely shattered. I will never forget her as long as I live.

This post will be a bit long but a thousand pages wouldn’t be enough to describe how much she meant to me and to everyone who met her. She was so amazing and I wish I could do more to honor her... More than anything I wish I could bring her back...

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In her short life Chai suffered a lot. She endured living as a semiferal on the streets, a car accident, a leg amputation, coronavirus and calicivirus, stomatitis, a full mouth extraction, and finally the fatal FIP—but she never stopped being brave, and she always forgave us. For that I will always remember her as the most joyful and inspiring little creature I’ve ever known.

She was found as a young street cat about a year ago, wandering the freezing streets with her front left leg badly injured and bone sticking out. She was taken in by a shelter and her leg was amputated. Though she recovered from her injuries, she was extremely shy and avoidant of people and labeled as wild and unadoptable. No one could touch her. While she liked other cats, she was packed in a room with many other stressed, aggressive cats and she hid almost all of the time.

I first saw her photo on Christmas Day, 2017, and something inside me knew she was mine (and not just because I have a gigantic soft spot for calicos!). Here is that first shelter photo:

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Irresistible, right? :) I immediately sent a message to the shelter to inquire about her. (It is such a cruel twist of fate to have to lose her again at Christmastime just one year later...) I visited her in January 2018 and while she was scared, she crawled out to lick treats off my finger like the brave little fighter she was. I sensed more than ever in that moment that she craved connection and that I was her person.

I knew she would not be an easy first-time cat, though, so I thought about the decision for a while. I even joined and posted on this site for the first time looking for advice. In February I made my decision to adopt her. However, the shelter staff then told me she was just too wild and they couldn’t adopt her out. Undeterred, I kept asking. They finally said I could foster her first if I wanted and I agreed. Then, she got very sick. To this day I don’t know what she was sick with. They said they had to keep her in the shelter until she healed and they couldn’t tell me when or if she would be available. I was so sad, but it seemed like a dead end. I decided to move on and keep her in the back of my mind for when the time was right. But I thought about her and looked at her photos every single day.

In the meantime, my other cat Chilli (still alive and well) came into my life by happy chance. She is an easy, fun, amazing dream kitty and I bonded with her very closely and fast—but I also still couldn’t get that little three-legged cat out of my mind. However, my work was busy and my apartment was tiny and I felt I didn’t have time or the proper living situation for a second cat. I kept inquiring about Chai regularly for updates.

Finally, FINALLY, this August I moved to another place that was much bigger and I also had a break from work. I felt it was finally the time to bring Chai home. I can’t explain the joy I felt bringing her home that day in September, even though she was still terrified of me and I’d never even gotten to touch her yet—even still I loved her immediately. All the bowls and toys and “Chai stuff” I’d bought months ago came out again. I set up her safe room in the bathroom and the socialization process began.

I remember the first time she slow blinked at me. The first time she groomed and ate in front of me. The first time she flopped on her side and showed me her belly. The first time she came out of her hiding box with me nearby. The first time she sniffed my leg. The first time she let me pet her with the petting stick. The first time she meowed. The first time she purred. I remember lying in the most ridiculous, uncomfortable positions on the cold hard bathroom floor just to be near her and get her used to my presence. I would stay in that room for hours, talking and listening to her. We binge watched full seasons of cooking shows and dumb reality tv together on my laptop in that little bathroom while I fed her endless kibbles and treats. I teared up after the first time she let me pet her with my hand, about 5 weeks later (it seemed so long but really, it was so short, and she was so ready to be loved).

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From that moment on it was all rapidly uphill in terms of her socialization. She absolutely worshipped Chilli from the start but she also warmed up to me too very quickly after that initial pet, and was always ready to start purring the second I offered my hand. She loved life, SO much, perhaps more than she could have ever imagined possible.

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During the best weeks of her life, almost every waking moment was spent purring. She loved me. She loved her kitty sister. She even loved visitors. She just loved everything and everyone with a forgiveness and courage that I could never have imagined possible after all she’d been through. She loved being near Chilli constantly, annoying her with awkward three-legged headbutts and losing her little kitty mind when Chilli deigned to lick her face, rolling around and sleeping on her back on my heated floors, playing like crazy with her fishing rod toy, getting hours of pets and cuddles in bed, getting tummy rubs while cuddling my hand with her cheek and her single front paw, eating ALL the treats and stealing Chilli’s treats too, rubbing her head on the bottom of the coffee table, making “back toe muffins”, sleeping on all my clothes, sitting next to me purring on the couch for morning coffee time, racing around the house like a hooligan with Chilli at night, meowing at 6am for kibbles with the cutest and most irresistible face... and so much more. Even though I had such a tragically short time with her, I still have so many good memories.

When I think of her, I will always think of one special morning just a few short weeks ago. We awoke just before dawn to the first snowfall of the year. Chilli and Chai sat with me purring on the sofa in the warmth and quiet of my apartment while we watched the snow fall and the sky grow lighter. I remember for just a moment Chai looked up at me, with such profound peace and contentment, while she purred gently and let her chin rest on my hand. I will always try to remember her like that. I don’t know what I believe about an afterlife for our kitties but I hope with all my heart that wherever she is, she feels like that. Completely safe, loved, pain-free, and above all knowing she is not alone.

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Goodbye my love. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I tried the best I could. But even if I’d known this would happen I would do it all over again, without an ounce of hesitation. You were worth every second of it. You made me a better and kinder person and you brought so much light to me at a time when my world was so dark. I promise to try to live as fiercely and bravely as you did. Run fast and free on four legs and hunt lots of mousies and birdies at the bridge. Nothing and no one will ever hurt you again. I love you.

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di and bob

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I cry with you, she was such an inspiring, beautiful little girl.....your tribute to her was absolutely beautiful and fitting.
I hope you can take comfort in knowing you gave her the best life, the best family she could ever ask for. she was so scared, so hurt by so many things at the beginning. But you saw, and you came through. She knew true love and comfort before she was called away, much too soon. I have a feeling she crammed a LOT of living into that brief time she had with you, I'm positive she is at peace. All because of you.....
There is never enough time to love those special babies, you have some wonderful memories to bring you comfort, and her love will always be tied to your soul by the special bond you formed link by link. Nothing can take that from you, it is a part of you now. "Death cannot take that which never dies", and your love for each other is eternal.
It hurts, it hurts so very much to lose them from our physical life. I would give anything in the world to touch that soft fur one more time....but we cannot change what has come to past, only let them live on through our love that we carry for them in our hearts. And let them know that they made a difference in our lives, that their lives mattered, and we are so blessed to have known them, to have loved them. To send them thoughts and prayers full of love and joy, so that they will find peace in knowing their love left us in a better place.
You have experienced so much love and joy, and so much pain and hurt. There is always an opposite reaction for every action in nature. But the love and the life was so much more important, do not let the end become more important than the life, she was in your life for a reason, to have never known her love at all would have been unthinkable.
My heart goes out to you, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You will survive, you are stronger than you know, and life has a lot more love to fill that big heart, and to help you get through the bad times. Thank you for your beautiful tribute and may God be with you....
RIP precious Chai. Once in a lifetime a beautiful soul comes to this world, and is loved enough to carry on for eternity. You are that one. You are made whole again through love. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet those who love you so very much once more!
 

Lari

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I know this is about Chai, but I want to say how wonderful you were to take in this kitty that so many would have ignored (maybe even me), knowing her background - to keep asking about her when it didn't work out right away - to give her the best months of her life.

She wouldn't have had happiness and love without you, and it's so beautiful that you gave it to her.
 

ans5181

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What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful girl. She was so clearly loved by you, and she so clearly knew. I am crying with you. I'm so sorry for your loss, but so happy you showed this little girl so much love and life where others may have not. I am wishing you peace and comfort. Rest now, Chai.
 

tnrmakessense

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Today I had to let go of my sweet, beautiful, and indescribably special girl Chai. She went very peacefully and painlessly in my arms, wrapped in her favorite blanket and looking into my eyes purring gently until the sedation kicked in and she fell asleep... I kissed her goodbye and stayed with her to the end... But I can’t stop crying and it feels like there a piece of me has died with her. It was FIP, and while FIP is by nature cruel and unfair, this is honestly one of the cruelest and unfairest experiences I have ever had to go through in my life. It was far too soon and totally unexpected. I am completely shattered. I will never forget her as long as I live.

This post will be a bit long but a thousand pages wouldn’t be enough to describe how much she meant to me and to everyone who met her. She was so amazing and I wish I could do more to honor her... More than anything I wish I could bring her back...

View attachment 265434

In her short life Chai suffered a lot. She endured living as a semiferal on the streets, a car accident, a leg amputation, coronavirus and calicivirus, stomatitis, a full mouth extraction, and finally the fatal FIP—but she never stopped being brave, and she always forgave us. For that I will always remember her as the most joyful and inspiring little creature I’ve ever known.

She was found as a young street cat about a year ago, wandering the freezing streets with her front left leg badly injured and bone sticking out. She was taken in by a shelter and her leg was amputated. Though she recovered from her injuries, she was extremely shy and avoidant of people and labeled as wild and unadoptable. No one could touch her. While she liked other cats, she was packed in a room with many other stressed, aggressive cats and she hid almost all of the time.

I first saw her photo on Christmas Day, 2017, and something inside me knew she was mine (and not just because I have a gigantic soft spot for calicos!). Here is that first shelter photo:

View attachment 265439

Irresistible, right? :) I immediately sent a message to the shelter to inquire about her. (It is such a cruel twist of fate to have to lose her again at Christmastime just one year later...) I visited her in January 2018 and while she was scared, she crawled out to lick treats off my finger like the brave little fighter she was. I sensed more than ever in that moment that she craved connection and that I was her person.

I knew she would not be an easy first-time cat, though, so I thought about the decision for a while. I even joined and posted on this site for the first time looking for advice. In February I made my decision to adopt her. However, the shelter staff then told me she was just too wild and they couldn’t adopt her out. Undeterred, I kept asking. They finally said I could foster her first if I wanted and I agreed. Then, she got very sick. To this day I don’t know what she was sick with. They said they had to keep her in the shelter until she healed and they couldn’t tell me when or if she would be available. I was so sad, but it seemed like a dead end. I decided to move on and keep her in the back of my mind for when the time was right. But I thought about her and looked at her photos every single day.

In the meantime, my other cat Chilli (still alive and well) came into my life by happy chance. She is an easy, fun, amazing dream kitty and I bonded with her very closely and fast—but I also still couldn’t get that little three-legged cat out of my mind. However, my work was busy and my apartment was tiny and I felt I didn’t have time or the proper living situation for a second cat. I kept inquiring about Chai regularly for updates.

Finally, FINALLY, this August I moved to another place that was much bigger and I also had a break from work. I felt it was finally the time to bring Chai home. I can’t explain the joy I felt bringing her home that day in September, even though she was still terrified of me and I’d never even gotten to touch her yet—even still I loved her immediately. All the bowls and toys and “Chai stuff” I’d bought months ago came out again. I set up her safe room in the bathroom and the socialization process began.

I remember the first time she slow blinked at me. The first time she groomed and ate in front of me. The first time she flopped on her side and showed me her belly. The first time she came out of her hiding box with me nearby. The first time she sniffed my leg. The first time she let me pet her with the petting stick. The first time she meowed. The first time she purred. I remember lying in the most ridiculous, uncomfortable positions on the cold hard bathroom floor just to be near her and get her used to my presence. I would stay in that room for hours, talking and listening to her. We binge watched full seasons of cooking shows and dumb reality tv together on my laptop in that little bathroom while I fed her endless kibbles and treats. I teared up after the first time she let me pet her with my hand, about 5 weeks later (it seemed so long but really, it was so short, and she was so ready to be loved).

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From that moment on it was all rapidly uphill in terms of her socialization. She absolutely worshipped Chilli from the start but she also warmed up to me too very quickly after that initial pet, and was always ready to start purring the second I offered my hand. She loved life, SO much, perhaps more than she could have ever imagined possible.

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During the best weeks of her life, almost every waking moment was spent purring. She loved me. She loved her kitty sister. She even loved visitors. She just loved everything and everyone with a forgiveness and courage that I could never have imagined possible after all she’d been through. She loved being near Chilli constantly, annoying her with awkward three-legged headbutts and losing her little kitty mind when Chilli deigned to lick her face, rolling around and sleeping on her back on my heated floors, playing like crazy with her fishing rod toy, getting hours of pets and cuddles in bed, getting tummy rubs while cuddling my hand with her cheek and her single front paw, eating ALL the treats and stealing Chilli’s treats too, rubbing her head on the bottom of the coffee table, making “back toe muffins”, sleeping on all my clothes, sitting next to me purring on the couch for morning coffee time, racing around the house like a hooligan with Chilli at night, meowing at 6am for kibbles with the cutest and most irresistible face... and so much more. Even though I had such a tragically short time with her, I still have so many good memories.

When I think of her, I will always think of one special morning just a few short weeks ago. We awoke just before dawn to the first snowfall of the year. Chilli and Chai sat with me purring on the sofa in the warmth and quiet of my apartment while we watched the snow fall and the sky grow lighter. I remember for just a moment Chai looked up at me, with such profound peace and contentment, while she purred gently and let her chin rest on my hand. I will always try to remember her like that. I don’t know what I believe about an afterlife for our kitties but I hope with all my heart that wherever she is, she feels like that. Completely safe, loved, pain-free, and above all knowing she is not alone.

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Goodbye my love. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I tried the best I could. But even if I’d known this would happen I would do it all over again, without an ounce of hesitation. You were worth every second of it. You made me a better and kinder person and you brought so much light to me at a time when my world was so dark. I promise to try to live as fiercely and bravely as you did. Run fast and free on four legs and hunt lots of mousies and birdies at the bridge. Nothing and no one will ever hurt you again. I love you.

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Through your words, pictures, and inspiring love for Chai, she will live on in my memory, on the other side of the world. If the world were filled with people like you, there would be no cruelty or homeless animals. You are an inspiration. Don't let grief let you doubt that.
 

rubysmama

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rosegold rosegold : Somehow in the midst of your grief you have managed to post a beautiful, heart-warming tribute to your darling Chai. I still can't believe this has happened, and that her happy ending was so short. But she would have had no happy ending at all if you hadn't seen her picture on the shelter website last Christmas Day. Because of you, she knew love, right to the end. Thanks for all you did for her. And for sharing her story. She was a special kitty. I'm glad I got to know her, if only for a very short time. RIP sweet Chai. :hearthrob: :angel: :hearthrob:
 

Katz124

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Rip Chai. She was beautiful. She looked so happy with you. You have zero regrets. It sounds like you went above and beyond for her and I'm sure she felt your love and loved you back.

Unfortunately I know the pain you are experiencing. I lost my baby girl cat a few months back, right in the prime of her life. I wrote a post about it a month or so ago. So I can really relate with soo much of your post. My face is soaked in tears reading your post.

But she was so lucky to get to have such a nice life at least for a little while before she passed. Take your time to grieve but remember she would want you to be happy, just like you wouldn't want her to be sad forever if you were the first to go. I'm so sorry this happened but it sounds like you did everything for this girl and I know she loves you for it.

Maybe God needed another angel in heaven and maybe you'll see her again someday in heaven.
 

Maria Bayote

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You can now rest eternally, Chai, in a place where there are tons of belly rubs and endless fields to run about. You are loved by all, and is loved still. Your memory will put a smile on your mommy's lips, although for now she still grieves. Your beauty will shine wherever you may be right now, and will continue to glow on us that have been left behind.
 

Avery

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Chai was such a beautiful, brave little kitty, she touched my heart and I miss hearing her stories. Rosegold, I have been thinking about you and Chilli all day and hope that you will find peace and comfort in your happy memories. Please take care of yourself and know you made a world of difference for a very special kitty. It has been an inspiration to know you.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Chai, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.
.
What a lovely, loving tribute to a very special girl. I'm sitting here teary-eyed. Please know that love never dies. It only changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides, and Chai will walk beside you always.

My heart with yours.
 

Antonio65

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Your tribute to your beautiful Chai brought many tears to my eyes :bawling:

What an intense life you and her had in such a short time. Many people do not live up to the same level even in 15 years, and you managed to do all that in a few months.
And what a brave and pride cat she was. She fought hard and won the biggest prize, to be loved!

I'm sure you know that there's a special spot at the Rainbow Bridge for cats who have proved to be brave, to be warriors in their life, to fight back all odds.
Chai deservedly has her cozy place in that special spot, and from up there she sends you kisses and thanks you for letting her know what being loved means.

RIP Chai, you will be missed! :(

My sweet warrior Lola will be proud to be next to you now.
 
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rosegold

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I meant not to post again on this thread, but I find myself having no other suitable outlet for my grief at the moment. I’m sorry in advance for the rant. It has been an incredibly painful Christmas without her. And I feel very alone in this with no one to cry or rant to. Friends and family were sad with me in the moment but have moved on. It seems no one else is left to grieve for Chai but me, and that in and of itself seems worthy of grieving, because in my eyes she was the most wonderful and beautiful and worthwhile soul in the world and the world should weep for her too. In fact the world should’ve stopped as soon as she left it. It’s hard to accept that life could go so cruelly and blindly on.

Christmas is difficult for two reasons. First, because Christmas 2017 was the day I first saw her photo online and fell in love. And second, because I’d been dreaming of spending Christmas with her and Chilli. Finally, after a very difficult year, spending Christmas in my new cozy apartment with my two beloved kitties lounging by the tree, all would be finally well... But it wasn’t. I never got to spend a Christmas with her. I spent it with Chilli of course as well as Clove, my new adorable kitten, but there was a gigantic gaping emptiness today and that was exactly where Chai should’ve been.

The kitten is wonderful and I love her immensely and I think we are bonding well. I mean, it’s hard not to love a tiny little baby kitten who purrs and leaps in your lap as soon as you breathe. I worried that she’d feel like a “replacement” or that she’d remind me too painfully of Chai, but neither of those things have happened. Rather I just feel Chai’s absence all the more keenly because she was so incredibly unique and special. Why can’t I have Chilli and Clove AND Chai? I bet Chai would’ve loved a little kitten to hang out with. She deserved so many more years of happiness than the meager time that she got.

After so many many many months of waiting for Chai to come home (9 to be exact—Dec 2017-Sept 2018), it is the oddest feeling to not be waiting anymore. I spent 9 months loving her when she wasn’t even home yet and only 2.5 months when she was. Even in those 2.5 months it was still a series of patient waitings: waiting for various milestones in her socialization process, waiting for vet appointments, waiting for her to get better. I waited for her and believed in her and basically lived and breathed for her for an entire year of my life. Now—so quickly, like the rug pulled out from under my feet—it’s all gone.

I am trying to believe a day will come when I think of the time I had with her with joy and smiles, rather than pain. But right now it is just pain. I may end up going to see a therapist for this, if I can find a good one here and can afford it. I know myself and I know that I honestly may not be able to deal with this on my own. In my experience these feelings of guilt and failure can get very dark very fast. I know Chai would want me to take care of myself and I’m trying my best to. I just wish I could pet her soft little cheek one last time. I’d give anything.
 

vyger

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I meant not to post again on this thread, but I find myself having no other suitable outlet for my grief at the moment. I’m sorry in advance for the rant. It has been an incredibly painful Christmas without her. And I feel very alone in this with no one to cry or rant to. Friends and family were sad with me in the moment but have moved on. It seems no one else is left to grieve for Chai but me, and that in and of itself seems worthy of grieving, because in my eyes she was the most wonderful and beautiful and worthwhile soul in the world and the world should weep for her too. In fact the world should’ve stopped as soon as she left it. It’s hard to accept that life could go so cruelly and blindly on.

Christmas is difficult for two reasons. First, because Christmas 2017 was the day I first saw her photo online and fell in love. And second, because I’d been dreaming of spending Christmas with her and Chilli. Finally, after a very difficult year, spending Christmas in my new cozy apartment with my two beloved kitties lounging by the tree, all would be finally well... But it wasn’t. I never got to spend a Christmas with her. I spent it with Chilli of course as well as Clove, my new adorable kitten, but there was a gigantic gaping emptiness today and that was exactly where Chai should’ve been.

The kitten is wonderful and I love her immensely and I think we are bonding well. I mean, it’s hard not to love a tiny little baby kitten who purrs and leaps in your lap as soon as you breathe. I worried that she’d feel like a “replacement” or that she’d remind me too painfully of Chai, but neither of those things have happened. Rather I just feel Chai’s absence all the more keenly because she was so incredibly unique and special. Why can’t I have Chilli and Clove AND Chai? I bet Chai would’ve loved a little kitten to hang out with. She deserved so many more years of happiness than the meager time that she got.

After so many many many months of waiting for Chai to come home (9 to be exact—Dec 2017-Sept 2018), it is the oddest feeling to not be waiting anymore. I spent 9 months loving her when she wasn’t even home yet and only 2.5 months when she was. Even in those 2.5 months it was still a series of patient waitings: waiting for various milestones in her socialization process, waiting for vet appointments, waiting for her to get better. I waited for her and believed in her and basically lived and breathed for her for an entire year of my life. Now—so quickly, like the rug pulled out from under my feet—it’s all gone.

I am trying to believe a day will come when I think of the time I had with her with joy and smiles, rather than pain. But right now it is just pain. I may end up going to see a therapist for this, if I can find a good one here and can afford it. I know myself and I know that I honestly may not be able to deal with this on my own. In my experience these feelings of guilt and failure can get very dark very fast. I know Chai would want me to take care of myself and I’m trying my best to. I just wish I could pet her soft little cheek one last time. I’d give anything.
I have a place that to me is a special place, in the shade under a big tree, on the edge of a wind swept field that is often covered in wheat. It is a quiet place where you can hear the birds sing and the wind blow through the tree branches. I have to come to call it Bond's place. But Bond is not alone there, he was not the first nor the last to be there. In fact Scottie joined him there this summer. A Farewell To Scottie And Another New Adventure.
Scottie was a nobody unknown feral cat who touched my heart and earned himself a spot in Bond's place. But nobody else really knows he is there. He didn't matter to them when he was alive, certainly not when he is gone. And you are right, the world doesn't miss him. The wind didn't stop blowing, the birds didn't stop singing, there was no pause to life when I put him in the ground, but I miss him and I remember because he and I were friends. The same is true of the other occupants of Bond's place. I remember them all. That is why it is a special place to me. It is a place of memories because that is what we have left when they go. And while it seems like it is not enough because we want more at least we are left with something that is a treasure rather than an emptiness that can not be filled at all.
Bonds place is now frozen and buried in snow. We just finished the longest night of the year and now get to begin working our way back to summer and a strange thought occurs to me, at least Scottie died when the ground was warm and the world pleasant. Otherwise he would have had to wait a while for the ground to thaw. So, he didn't pick the time as such, but still it was a good day to die all the same. And in the mean time the kittens are now grown and still in my entryway, but now joined by the other outside cats who have decided it's to cold out for them to want to be outside. And so life still goes on. We are the keepers of the flame so to speak, because we are allowed to have the memories. Don't be afraid of them because they are the gifts, the gems, you have been given. It is what Chai had to give to you, it was and is her gift and in the end all she had and all that she was has been given to you. Other people will not understand because it was not a gift to them, it was a gift to you, a thank you for being a friend.
 

Lari

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Sweet fangirl Chai. I followed her story the whole way and still get sad at how cruelly it ended.

I wish you'd been able to spend many Christmases together, but I like to believe she was watching over you today, in spirit.
 

di and bob

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Of course you are suffering, the grief is still so new, we welcome you anytime here to talk, to remember, to cry with you because we have all stood in your exact same spot.
It is soul shattering to think that life goes on. Because we suffer, we expect the world to somehow be different, to suffer with us. Because our world has changed so much, it doesn't seem possible everyone's is still the same. But it truly is only our world that is different, that will never be the same, because it is our personal bond of love with another, our own life that is affected, not anyone else's.
I truly was in your situation, I cried for months. I had guilt, grief, thoughts so dark they still haunt me, and a sense of loss that I thought could not possibly ever be filled. I can only compare it to what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder must be like, because it consumed me, I could not get it out of my life. It changed me forever. I completely lost interest in the world, and everything I once enjoyed. I didn't WANT to enjoy anything, it wasn't right when my precious little one was dead. I can tell you right now that time, one day at a time, is the only thing that will lead you out of this. Getting professional help may be the way to go, I think it would get you to a level you need to be quicker. For me it was a long, slow uphill battle back to the world of the living. You will understand one day that YOU, personally, had no part in this tragedy. All you did was love that sweet girl, all you wanted was the best for her. Your intentions were never meant to bring harm, that instead of this incredible pain, you should be lifting your heart in gratitude for what you had, a love so deep and consuming it became your world, and you are so rich for having experienced what she gave to you. Instead of feeling pain, open your heart to her love and gratitude, because she is near and always will be, as near as your thoughts and prayers. Because she is a part of you, she feels what you feel. Offer her joy and happiness in life again, by loving and taking care of others , by allowing her to live through you and experience what life is truly all about. By adding to the legacy she left you and allowing it to grow, not hiding it in a heart full of darkness. Your precious girl received everything she ever wanted. you were her world. She lived a lifetime in those few short months, you gave her exactly what she wanted and needed, your love. Love is spiritual, not physical and subject to earthly laws. You can't touch it but you know it is there, and it is forever.
You have others there that need you now, and no it will never be the same. Because it can never be. Each love is as unique as a snowflake and in a lifetime, can be just as fleeting. It doesn't mean you will never love again, it means it will be different, because each love takes its place in a different time and occupies a different place in your heart. But each one is just as special to your soul. There is a time and place for everything in your life. For now you must grieve, because you have suffered a loss. You might offer your comfort to others who stand in your shoes, it brings comfort to yourself to offer comfort to others. Because you know what they are going through. Sometimes it helps to know that, and to cling to it when you are feeling so lost. You are not alone, those who grieve are legion. And we can learn to set new priorities on what is important in life, truly important, because we have grieved so deep.
Take care of yourself and those left behind that can help you live again. Depend on them to show you the way. Live for the moment, not in the past, don't think about the future. But live...... One day at a time.
 
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