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- Feb 1, 2018
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One of my two cats, Chai, died yesterday, to FIP. It was unexpected and horribly untimely; she was young and I’d only had her a few months, and I expected many long happy years with her.
But even though I am definitely still grieving... I have already found myself browsing kittens for adoption. I suddenly felt terribly guilty and closed the page. How could I seek to replace her like that? How dare I try to move on from her so easily? I haven’t even put away her toys and bowls yet, and I’m already looking at kittens... it made me feel awful, even though I’m trying to be compassionate with myself...
But I can’t stop desperately wanting a kitten. Especially another calico or maybe a tortoiseshell that reminds me of her. Am I being impulsive and not thinking straight? I know another kitty will be totally different from her and won’t bring her back. I just want something to take care of and look after. I think I am feeling a desperate need to nurture something, to care for a little needy being and make them safe and happy... to do what I ultimately couldn’t do, in the end, for Chai. All this time I have been nursing my sick, semiferal kitty to health and happiness and it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. But suddenly she was ripped from me. Suddenly I no longer have meds to give, food to blend up and syringe feed, treats to tempt with, blankets to clean and hot water bottles to be refilled... I have my one cat Chilli whom I absolutely adore but who is a very easy and low-maintenance cat. My little Chai kitty needed so much care but she gave me so much back in return, and made me feel like I had some purpose, some reason to wake up every day. Now I just feel an empty hole there.
I’m an elementary school teacher, as well, but right now I don’t start work again until February, so I can’t even nurture ‘my kids’ at school. On the other hand, this break from work might mean it’s an excellent time to get a kitten. The idea of having a little baby to look forward to makes me feel happier and more energized to get out of bed, clean and kittenproof my house, distract me from my grief...
But is it too soon? I don’t want to dishonor Chai’s memory... And I’ve never had a kitten before so maybe I am underestimating the whole idea of it. The past week and a half has felt so unreal that maybe I’m just not thinking straight. Any advice or insight is much appreciated.
But even though I am definitely still grieving... I have already found myself browsing kittens for adoption. I suddenly felt terribly guilty and closed the page. How could I seek to replace her like that? How dare I try to move on from her so easily? I haven’t even put away her toys and bowls yet, and I’m already looking at kittens... it made me feel awful, even though I’m trying to be compassionate with myself...
But I can’t stop desperately wanting a kitten. Especially another calico or maybe a tortoiseshell that reminds me of her. Am I being impulsive and not thinking straight? I know another kitty will be totally different from her and won’t bring her back. I just want something to take care of and look after. I think I am feeling a desperate need to nurture something, to care for a little needy being and make them safe and happy... to do what I ultimately couldn’t do, in the end, for Chai. All this time I have been nursing my sick, semiferal kitty to health and happiness and it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. But suddenly she was ripped from me. Suddenly I no longer have meds to give, food to blend up and syringe feed, treats to tempt with, blankets to clean and hot water bottles to be refilled... I have my one cat Chilli whom I absolutely adore but who is a very easy and low-maintenance cat. My little Chai kitty needed so much care but she gave me so much back in return, and made me feel like I had some purpose, some reason to wake up every day. Now I just feel an empty hole there.
I’m an elementary school teacher, as well, but right now I don’t start work again until February, so I can’t even nurture ‘my kids’ at school. On the other hand, this break from work might mean it’s an excellent time to get a kitten. The idea of having a little baby to look forward to makes me feel happier and more energized to get out of bed, clean and kittenproof my house, distract me from my grief...
But is it too soon? I don’t want to dishonor Chai’s memory... And I’ve never had a kitten before so maybe I am underestimating the whole idea of it. The past week and a half has felt so unreal that maybe I’m just not thinking straight. Any advice or insight is much appreciated.