Still Grieving, But I Want A Kitten... Too Soon?

[Gizmobius]

I agree with saying everybody is different when it comes to their grief. Some do need to take months to process their feelings about the loss of a pet. In my experience, it was only 5 days between the loss of my previous cat Willow and adopting a kitten I named Gizmo. I was not able to properly understand or deal with my grief and sadness over losing Willow and found that Gizmo allowed me to tap into those emotions and realize I was an absolute mess while teaching me to find the strength to carry on because HE needed me to. Long story short, I wasn't able to properly grieve for Willow until I adopted Gizmo.

So really, all I can say is if you want a kitten, adopt a kitten. If you aren't sure, then hold off because there will always be kitties out there who need our love and forever home. It's really as simple (and as complicated!) as that!

 

[tnrmakessense]

I'm so sorry about Chai. I have had experience with adopting a cat (Darcy) who very soon got FIP and left us. It hurts me so much to hear about other kittens and their people going through that.

If you get another kitten, you are not replacing Chai because no one can fill the spot she left on your heart, but your heart is big enough to love another cat. I believe our cats who have passed have guided us to our next cat (including Swanie who just passed guiding us to Austin), so be open to meeting a kitten / cat you simply can't get out our your mind. Maybe that will be the one.

One of my two cats, Chai, died yesterday, to FIP. It was unexpected and horribly untimely; she was young and I’d only had her a few months, and I expected many long happy years with her.

But even though I am definitely still grieving... I have already found myself browsing kittens for adoption. I suddenly felt terribly guilty and closed the page. How could I seek to replace her like that? How dare I try to move on from her so easily? I haven’t even put away her toys and bowls yet, and I’m already looking at kittens... it made me feel awful, even though I’m trying to be compassionate with myself...

But I can’t stop desperately wanting a kitten. Especially another calico or maybe a tortoiseshell that reminds me of her. Am I being impulsive and not thinking straight? I know another kitty will be totally different from her and won’t bring her back. I just want something to take care of and look after. I think I am feeling a desperate need to nurture something, to care for a little needy being and make them safe and happy... to do what I ultimately couldn’t do, in the end, for Chai. All this time I have been nursing my sick, semiferal kitty to health and happiness and it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. But suddenly she was ripped from me. Suddenly I no longer have meds to give, food to blend up and syringe feed, treats to tempt with, blankets to clean and hot water bottles to be refilled... I have my one cat Chilli whom I absolutely adore but who is a very easy and low-maintenance cat. My little Chai kitty needed so much care but she gave me so much back in return, and made me feel like I had some purpose, some reason to wake up every day. Now I just feel an empty hole there.

I’m an elementary school teacher, as well, but right now I don’t start work again until February, so I can’t even nurture ‘my kids’ at school. On the other hand, this break from work might mean it’s an excellent time to get a kitten. The idea of having a little baby to look forward to makes me feel happier and more energized to get out of bed, clean and kittenproof my house, distract me from my grief...

But is it too soon? I don’t want to dishonor Chai’s memory... And I’ve never had a kitten before so maybe I am underestimating the whole idea of it. The past week and a half has felt so unreal that maybe I’m just not thinking straight. Any advice or insight is much appreciated.

I think there is no lovelier way to honor Chai's memory than to give a home to a kitten in need of one. You might want to consider two kittens - they can entertain each other when you and Chilli need a break.

 

[tnrmakessense]

One of my two cats, Chai, died yesterday, to FIP. It was unexpected and horribly untimely; she was young and I’d only had her a few months, and I expected many long happy years with her.

But even though I am definitely still grieving... I have already found myself browsing kittens for adoption. I suddenly felt terribly guilty and closed the page. How could I seek to replace her like that? How dare I try to move on from her so easily? I haven’t even put away her toys and bowls yet, and I’m already looking at kittens... it made me feel awful, even though I’m trying to be compassionate with myself...

But I can’t stop desperately wanting a kitten. Especially another calico or maybe a tortoiseshell that reminds me of her. Am I being impulsive and not thinking straight? I know another kitty will be totally different from her and won’t bring her back. I just want something to take care of and look after. I think I am feeling a desperate need to nurture something, to care for a little needy being and make them safe and happy... to do what I ultimately couldn’t do, in the end, for Chai. All this time I have been nursing my sick, semiferal kitty to health and happiness and it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. But suddenly she was ripped from me. Suddenly I no longer have meds to give, food to blend up and syringe feed, treats to tempt with, blankets to clean and hot water bottles to be refilled... I have my one cat Chilli whom I absolutely adore but who is a very easy and low-maintenance cat. My little Chai kitty needed so much care but she gave me so much back in return, and made me feel like I had some purpose, some reason to wake up every day. Now I just feel an empty hole there.

I’m an elementary school teacher, as well, but right now I don’t start work again until February, so I can’t even nurture ‘my kids’ at school. On the other hand, this break from work might mean it’s an excellent time to get a kitten. The idea of having a little baby to look forward to makes me feel happier and more energized to get out of bed, clean and kittenproof my house, distract me from my grief...

But is it too soon? I don’t want to dishonor Chai’s memory... And I’ve never had a kitten before so maybe I am underestimating the whole idea of it. The past week and a half has felt so unreal that maybe I’m just not thinking straight. Any advice or insight is much appreciated.

Maybe my cats have been abnormally insensitive, or it's because I've had a large "family" for 20 years, but I've honestly never seen any of my cats exhibit behavior that made me think they were grieving.

 

[Talien]

It's never too soon to look, but since you have another Cat who is probably grieving in her own way it might be too soon to adopt another. But it all depends on your personality and Chilli's personality, if another family member would help deal with that loss then it's not too soon.

 

[rosegold]

I’ll just add...take two, they’re small.

You might want to consider two kittens - they can entertain each other when you and Chilli need a break.

Oh, you have no idea how much I wish I could get two!! For my and Chilli’s sake as much as theirs! I just don’t think three cats is a good idea for me—financially, space-wise (I do technically live in a studio, large though it is), and in terms of transporting everyone to the USA when I eventually move back there... but the idea is very tempting nonetheless.

I talked with someone today about a different kitten (still waiting to hear back about the Chai lookalike) and was told this kitty eats everything on the floor, eats toilet paper whenever she gets the chance, jumps up on the counters nonstop, and has already singed her whiskers off from getting near the hot stove—all while she already lives with four siblings and two humans to distract her!

 

[catsknowme]

Condolences on losing Chai! I am in favor of moving on and adopting another kitten and perhaps fostering that 2nd kitten who seems to be a real handful. To me, it sounds like Chilli is responding more directly to your grieving rather than loss of Chai. My Maine Coon JC is the same way and he has had almost 14 years of nurturing rescues/fosters.
For some nurturers, staying busy is the most healing; for other people, taking extended time out to grieve works best. I am a mom to a mentally & physically disabled person (now an adult) so time off was never an option, not even when, in 16 months' time, I lost my 18yo nephew, my 35yo husband and my 43yo eldest brother. Looking back on those sad years, I realize how reaching to help others was actually my own saving. Decades later, when I lost my father unexpectedly, as well as my next marriage, my house (bilked by the sellers who then declared bankruptcy) and my job, I retreated into grief and isolation (my mom is uber-controlling and never has been the nurturing type) and am still flailing.
Please keep us updated! We are all as individual as snowflakes and fingerprints but we all have hearts & bleed red.

 

[tarasgirl06]

rosegold , I am so very sorry for your loss of precious Chai. I have had a somewhat similar experience; I adopted a healthy, bouncy kitten from friends who had found her on the street but who, though they loved her dearly, were not as financially able as we were to give her a good life. We took her in for her exam and kitten innoculations; she was doing very well. I had lost my precious Sun to dry-form FIP some time earlier -- he lived an almost unprecedented almost 16 years, with excellent medical care, good diet, and regular Immunoregulin and B-12 injections plus cortisone on occasion. So I was extremely sensitive to the matter of FIP and at that time, there was a vax which was administered as nose drops. I got it for our baby. Almost overnight, she developed the classic symptoms of wet-form FIP. We planned to take her in for exam, but she passed during the night. She was not quite 3 months old.
It has long been my policy to share the love with another cat in need, so I contacted a friend who did rescue and adoptions and told her our story. A kitten who would be able to get along in a multi-cat family was who I was looking for. Right away, she named a cat in her care and I arranged to go and see her at the Petco where adoptions were taking place.
This kitten was 11 months, which was older than I had thought of; and she was a tortoiseshell, the first I had ever met in person. She needed a loving permanent home and family -- I needed to share our home and our love with another deserving kitten. I signed her papers, paid the adoption fee, and brought her home.
Tarifa is now 15. She is curled up on my lap as I type. She is the most loving and friendly of cats. The day she joined our family was one of the best days ever.
Adopting is never "replacing". Each beloved family member is unique and each will always be in our heart and soul. Each one who passes watches over us until we are reunited in due time. Far from feeling guilty, I believe we should feel grateful and know that opening our homes and hearts to another sweet cat is the very BEST tribute we could possibly pay our loved one who has gone on.
You alone know when the right time is, and who to adopt, or foster, or both. Wishing you and your loved ones all the very best.

*My beloved Tarifa, 15*

 

[laureen227]

But I can’t stop desperately wanting a kitten. Especially another calico or maybe a tortoiseshell that reminds me of her. Am I being impulsive and not thinking straight? I know another kitty will be totally different from her and won’t bring her back. I just want something to take care of and look after.

When to open our hearts to a new furbaby is a very individual decision. If you're feeling the need, there's someone waiting to meet you! Although I prefer to wait a bit, I got I/O the same day Cable was euthanized - mainly because my other cat, Ping, had never been an only cat. She's turned out to be a wonderful choice, and Ping has never enjoyed a housemate so much! If I were totally catless, I'd also have replaced quickly - because otherwise I would do what you're doing - dwelling on the fact that I was alone.
Get the new kitten - it will ease your heart and your loneliness!

 

[Avery]

When I lost my cat Daisy, there had been a fairly long period of health issues to deal with, including a surgery, lots of medicine that she fought to avoid, poor appetite, and so on. The end came suddenly and all at once my efforts and the time spent trying to make her well and happy suddenly evaporated. The house seemed empty and I felt I didn't have a purpose any longer. I think if I didn't have other cats to care for, I would have been truly lost.

I followed Chai's story and know what a great cat mom you are. I know you have Chilli and she must be a comfort to you, but it sounds like the time and enormous amount of energy you poured into Chai is ready to be poured into another little fur person. You will give another homeless kitten the most wonderful, happy life. You can grieve and love at the same time. Keep us posted and include photos!

 

[rosegold]

Currently trying to decide between two kittens... I got approved to adopt either one but how can I choose when they are this cute???

Both 3-4 months old. Both calicos of course.

Kitten 1: Bright and happy personality, loves people and being pet, but is EXTREMELY mischievous (the one mentioned in my previous post)—but I think her coloring is absolutely gorgeous and she seems like a lovable girl. However she hasn’t had any vaccinations yet and in general the household she comes from seems a little all over the place, so her overall health may not be quite as secure.


Kitten 2: Sweet and gentle personality, praised by her vet for being so calm, likes people but a little shy of strangers and new situations at first. Also lovely coloring and a Chai lookalike. Although she came in off the street, she’s had two rounds of vaccinations and seems extremely well cared for.


My heart is slightly leaning towards Kitten 2, but Kitten 1’s owner just sent me the most adorable video ever and now I’m so torn. I wish I could just get both... Help me decide!

 

[ans5181]

Can I still recommend the take two option?? I feel like the second kitten will be a better fit for your house and your adult cat but I hate saying that bc it means no to the other one! So just take both. I mean number 2. I mean both lol.

 

[rosegold]

Can I still recommend the take two option?? I feel like the second kitten will be a better fit for your house and your adult cat but I hate saying that bc it means no to the other one! So just take both. I mean number 2. I mean both lol.

Ah, I want both so badly! I just don’t think it’s a good decision for me to have more than two cats in my current situation. I’m trying to be responsible and firm about that with myself but my goodness is it hard!!

 

[rosegold]

Maybe I should consider three cats total just one last time...

 

[Tobermory]

Love the coloring of Kitten 1! Both are adorable, of course. It’s always hard to tell from photos and I could be influenced by your descriptions, but the body language seems very different. K1 is feisty. Look at the way she’s sitting up, alert and ready to go. She looks like she’d be a lot of fun...and bounce all over Chilli, laughing her little head off. K2 looks serious and self contained. She’s looking right at the person taking the picture and not appearing distracted. I agree with ans5181 that she might fit better with Chilli.

I know you don’t want three cats for good reasons, but gosh...tough decision!

 

[Tobermory]

Maybe I should consider three cats total just one last time...

I know I’m the one who said take two and I wasn’t entirely joking, but I think three cats are more logistically challenging than two. More litter boxes, more food, more hassle getting them all to the vet, more expense, more issues when traveling, etc. I’ve mostly had three, but the brief periods when I’ve had two, it was easier. If you have three, you just have to think it through and be prepared. I’ve moved several times cross country and it’s a bit nerve wracking. All do-able, though!

 

[kittyluv387]

I know I’m the one who said take two and I wasn’t entirely joking, but I think three cats are more logistically challenging than two. More litter boxes, more food, more hassle getting them all to the vet, more expense, more issues when traveling, etc. I’ve mostly had three, but the brief periods when I’ve had two, it was easier. If you have three, you just have to think it through and be prepared. I’ve moved several times cross country and it’s a bit nerve wracking. All do-able, though!

I have 3 and completely agree with you. The jump from 2 to 3 is very noticeable. Especially if one or more cats have more serious issues. For us we think 3 is fun but the next thing you know someone puked on the floor, is constipated or has to go to the vet!

 

[rosegold]

Tobermory kittyluv387 Thank you both for the insight about having three cats—with all that in mind I think I do need to stick to two for now. So, it’ll have to be one or the other... I agree that Kitten 2 is probably the best choice for me and Chilli. She seems really sweet and I’m sure I will bond with her even if she is shy at first.

I’m still missing Chai so very much, but I feel excited about getting the kitten. It feels like one step closer to normalcy, because right now the house feels so empty with only one cat. I think it will be good for me to have an emotional output in the form of a cute little baby to dote on. Now I just have to think of a name...

 

[ans5181]

I absolutely applaud your sense of responsibility about the whole thing, and I agree with Tobermory and kittyluv387 , it is a noticeable jump from 2 to 3. I had three for ten years and I loved it, but also thought it was too much in a sense and that I probably wouldn't do that again. Plus, anything more than two being female and single, i'm automatically in crazy cat lady territory. Seriously. I don't know why, but apparently two cats=totally normal and acceptable, three cats and it's all

Even though i'm still in my thirties... these are important things to consider! But I digress... and for the record, i'm not the right person to be giving advice about how many to have, because I swore that once all my kitties were gone to the rainbow bridge that I would not have any more for awhile... then my 17 year old got sick and had to be put to sleep, and simultaneously 2 cats showed up on my doorstep, 1 was pregnant, I fell in love, kept both and one of the babies because I am a total sucker, so them plus my existing 15 year old equals 4, and now I have more cats than I ever had in my life!! The end.

Also. The financial part of it is legit expensive. I'm a full time student going back for my second bachelor's, I have one semester left and I am living on a prayer every day that everyone stays healthy for the next six months until I graduate and get a real full time job again!!

 

[Talien]

I would go with the 2nd Kitten, if you feel like you can handle a 3rd after a while then nothing says you can't adopt another.

It seems like each Cat after the second is an exponential increase in things you have to stay aware of and it can be a lot of stress especially with Kittens thrown in the mix. Probably not the best idea right now since you're still grieving.

 

[Lari]

I would also go with the second kitten, mostly because she already has her vaccinations. And I agree she'd probably be a better fit for Chilli.

They're both gorgeous, though!