Still Grieving, But I Want A Kitten... Too Soon?

rosegold

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One of my two cats, Chai, died yesterday, to FIP. It was unexpected and horribly untimely; she was young and I’d only had her a few months, and I expected many long happy years with her.

But even though I am definitely still grieving... I have already found myself browsing kittens for adoption. I suddenly felt terribly guilty and closed the page. How could I seek to replace her like that? How dare I try to move on from her so easily? I haven’t even put away her toys and bowls yet, and I’m already looking at kittens... it made me feel awful, even though I’m trying to be compassionate with myself...

But I can’t stop desperately wanting a kitten. Especially another calico or maybe a tortoiseshell that reminds me of her. Am I being impulsive and not thinking straight? I know another kitty will be totally different from her and won’t bring her back. I just want something to take care of and look after. I think I am feeling a desperate need to nurture something, to care for a little needy being and make them safe and happy... to do what I ultimately couldn’t do, in the end, for Chai. All this time I have been nursing my sick, semiferal kitty to health and happiness and it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. But suddenly she was ripped from me. Suddenly I no longer have meds to give, food to blend up and syringe feed, treats to tempt with, blankets to clean and hot water bottles to be refilled... I have my one cat Chilli whom I absolutely adore but who is a very easy and low-maintenance cat. My little Chai kitty needed so much care but she gave me so much back in return, and made me feel like I had some purpose, some reason to wake up every day. Now I just feel an empty hole there.

I’m an elementary school teacher, as well, but right now I don’t start work again until February, so I can’t even nurture ‘my kids’ at school. On the other hand, this break from work might mean it’s an excellent time to get a kitten. The idea of having a little baby to look forward to makes me feel happier and more energized to get out of bed, clean and kittenproof my house, distract me from my grief...

But is it too soon? I don’t want to dishonor Chai’s memory... And I’ve never had a kitten before so maybe I am underestimating the whole idea of it. The past week and a half has felt so unreal that maybe I’m just not thinking straight. Any advice or insight is much appreciated.
 

Lari

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We all process grief in different ways and wanting a new kitten to care for is a completely valid feeling.

I do think you need to take Chilli into consideration- she's easygoing, but she also went through a lot with gaining a sister, dealing with Chai's illness and losing her. Chilli may need some time to settle before you add another kitten into the household.

It won't hurt Chai's memory to look at kittens and make plans, but I think you should wait at least a couple weeks and watch Chilli to make sure she's okay before taking any definitive steps. At least, that's what I think I'd do.
 

verna davies

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I understand your need to fill the hole left inside you but as the others above have said, you have Chilli who needs you, she us grieving too

Have you thought about fostering for a while. Those you foster are in need of help right now and in turn will help you. It may be enough for you at this time and you may also fall in love with one of the fosters and give it a good home. Dont rush into anything.
 

Maria Bayote

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Your Chili, who looks quite like my own Bourbon, needs you now more than ever. Maybe you do not notice much, but she, too, could be grieving as much as you do. Just like a human who just lost somebody, I think you need to give her more time. She is in mourning and another cat all of a sudden could stress her as it is again a whole new change.

I understand your grief as it manifests in all forms. I am sure there is still that smell or that scattered favorite toy that reminds you of what you just lost. Hang in there. Soon the pain won't be that much. By that time you can probably take in a new cat. By that time Chili would probably also be ready.

Goodluck to you both.
 
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rosegold

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This is all really good advice, thank you.

I guess I didn’t think about Chilli needing time to grieve. What does a cat grieving for another cat look like? Especially since she didn’t particularly love Chai I wasn’t sure if she would miss her all that much. Honestly she seems about the same whether Chai is here or not, just as she did when Chai was gone several days for her surgery—I haven’t seen her looking or sniffing for her or acting differently at all—but maybe I’m not noticing the right things. If anything, it does make sense that Chilli would be affected by me and my emotional state and heightened stress and we both might need some time to recover from that.

Just to clarify, I wouldn’t bring home a kitten any sooner than a couple weeks anyway. I’d have to kittenproof and clean and get my life back on track first.
 

Maria Bayote

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This is all really good advice, thank you.

I guess I didn’t think about Chilli needing time to grieve. What does a cat grieving for another cat look like? Especially since she didn’t particularly love Chai I wasn’t sure if she would miss her all that much. Honestly she seems about the same whether Chai is here or not, just as she did when Chai was gone several days for her surgery—I haven’t seen her looking or sniffing for her or acting differently at all—but maybe I’m not noticing the right things. If anything, it does make sense that Chilli would be affected by me and my emotional state and heightened stress and we both might need some time to recover from that.

Just to clarify, I wouldn’t bring home a kitten any sooner than a couple weeks anyway. I’d have to kittenproof and clean and get my life back on track first.
Hi rosegold rosegold . I have two adult cats right now who each act like the other is non-existent. But when one goes away for the vet, the other either meows a lot or running around the flat like searching for something. I always tell them how their pride would destroy their relationship. Lol.

Chili is so like my Maine Coon cat. She seems like she has no care in the world. But I believe she also can get stressed with major or even minor changes (who knows). Two of the "signs" of her stress that I notice are loss of appetite and sudden bulk shedding of hair which is really alarming.

You can start looking for kittens now, or volunteer at a shelter, or even foster. But I kindly suggest that you give it time. Healing is a process. And like all process, it usually takes time.
 

di and bob

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There is no way on earth you would be 'dishonoring' Chai's memory, in fact it is the greatest honor you could ever bestow on someone you love by passing on that legacy of love to another.
When someone dies that you have been caring for, it leaves a hole in your life, an emptiness that needs to be filled. There is no time limit on grief, if the distraction and the time a new kitten demands would fill that need, go for it. You are secure in knowing Chai's love will always be with you. Like a mother with several children, you can love many with the same intensity and devotion. Each one is unique and special, none can be 'replaced' because each one has a special, permanent place in your heart and soul.
The only thing that kept me sane when my Chrissy died was to throw myself headlong into keeping busy. The sadness was ruling my life until I honestly couldn't feel anything anymore. My other cats, my husband and the strays that needed me kept me rooted to this world and saved me.
Chai would be the first one to say "do it". She knows what you have to offer, what kind of home and love you can give to one that so desperately needs it. She would be proud to know she taught you what love is, and that you are willing to bestow more of it, because she is secure in knowing she will always have her share.
Chilli will in time accept another little one. Females are happiest when they are bossing another around and teaching manners. It would keep her busy and distracted too.
Whatever your decision, just go with it and then stick with it, it saves a lot of heartache. Don't let the sadness in the past rule your present and shape your future. Choose to let those precious memories of better times in the past uplift you, comfort you, and guide you to make decisions that will bring the joy and happiness that life is meant to bring. May you be blessed for loving so much......
 

Catlover579

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I think if you really want a kitten right now then you should get one! I felt the same way when my cat Pumpkin passed.. I only had one cat though and I couldn't stand not having the presence of a cat in my house! Even though no pet could ever replace him and I would never want one to! I just knew I had to get a cat. I think Chai does not want you to be upset and he knows you miss him dearly . He would want you to be happy and if getting a kitten is what would cheer you up then you should do it. There is another cat out there waiting for you to adopt them and maybe they need you at this moment in life. Or vice versa! You shouldn't feel guilty about it and maybe it would be a good thing for your other cat also..waiting too long might not be good either b/c it might get used to being the only kitty ? Do whatever you feel is the best decision for you. :hearthrob::redheartpump:
 

Kflowers

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Whatever you do about the kitten keep a close eye on Chilli. Cats may not show their grief, some don't purr for 2 or more weeks, some keep it inside, and some suffer as people do with their immune systems taking a hit. Be alert for minor illnesses, like colds, as well as aches and pains she may not have shown before.
 

misty8723

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I'm so sorry about Chai. I have had experience with adopting a cat (Darcy) who very soon got FIP and left us. It hurts me so much to hear about other kittens and their people going through that.

If you get another kitten, you are not replacing Chai because no one can fill the spot she left on your heart, but your heart is big enough to love another cat. I believe our cats who have passed have guided us to our next cat (including Swanie who just passed guiding us to Austin), so be open to meeting a kitten / cat you simply can't get out our your mind. Maybe that will be the one.
 
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rosegold

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Thank you everyone. I've also talked to lots of friends and family for advice and it is really helpful.

Honestly, most of the people in my life are telling me I should just get the kitten soon, because I'm not working full-time right now and can care for one easily, whereas starting in February it would be a lot more difficult to bring one home. I do think they have a point. Although, my entire family are all huge animal lovers, so they may be a bit biased. :)

I think the decision of getting another kitty in the first place is already made (it's a yes), it's just a matter of when. And even that decision doesn't have to be as huge as I am imagining it to be. Having to make the huge, terrible decision of putting Chai down has maybe skewed my perception of things and made me terrified to make any other huge decisions, such as bringing a baby kitty home. :( I mean... yes, it's a big deal to get a kitten, and I should try to keep in mind some factors to make it easier on all of us, but at the end of the day I think it will all turn out okay. I was living happily with two cats before and I can live happily with two cats again. At least that's what the rational side of my brain is trying to tell the FIP-paranoid side...

I've been keeping an eye on Chilli and there do seem to be some small ways she may be grieving, or at least adjusting to the absence of Chai in our home. She is a bit more needy and cuddly than usual and I'm giving her lots of extra reassurance. She also seems attentive to me, more than usual (she's typically fairly independent) and I know it must've been hard on her to have seen her mom be the hysterical, emotional mess that I was in the days leading up to Chai's death. But overall she is doing okay. Still eating and drinking normally, playing like a maniac as usual, and coming to cuddle and purr at nighttime.

Cleaning the house today, putting away toys and bowls, doing some cat laundry, and spending lots of time with Chilli has helped us both feel calmer and more grounded I think.

And... well... despite myself... I contacted someone about a kitten. :eek:

She's a 3 month old rescue kitten who needs a home. I don't know if it will work out yet so I'm NOT going to let myself get attached to her, because there will always be other kittens and whatever kitten I get will be lovely and perfect. And maybe the timing isn't right and anyway I'm just going to see how things work out. But oh my god, you really cannot blame me if you saw this kitten's picture... She looks just like a tiny little baby Chai. A little calico girl (maybe even a smoke? couldn't tell from the photos) with the same facial markings, and a little black nose mustache and all. She has four legs, of course, but in the photo she was lying with one front leg tucked under and for a second it took my breath away. It was uncanny... I really couldn't NOT inquire about her.

I miss my kitty. I miss her a lot. The pain hits at random times but it hits so hard. I am hoping and trusting with all my heart that Chai will send me the perfect kitten who needs me most.
 

Jem

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I'm going thru the same thing right now. We lost all three of our cats this past couple of months. It has been a very trying and emotionally draining year, as two of the three had sever medical conditions, the third was just bad timing (aggressive cancer that took him from us very quickly). We knew without even having to say it that we would get more kitties. And especially now that we have none anymore. Our home is much too quiet.
Like you, I (and my husband) know we want more, but I also need to clean up the house and get it (and my life) reorganized, to be ready for new life. We are very much still grieving, but I see this as a chance to give a wonderful home to a new life. I found myself looking at the shelter websites as well, to see who is available for adoption, even though I still have my moments, and cry. Like just last weekend, when I was laundering all the cat linens, I cried when I put them in the machine, and also when I folded and put them away. I had to cuddle with each one before I could wash them.
How could I seek to replace her like that? How dare I try to move on from her so easily?
You are not replacing nor moving on too quickly. It is impossible to "replace" a loved cat, you can only open your heart to another who needs you. And providing some happiness and a home to a beautiful soul is not moving on. You are not leaving Chai behind, and you will never forget that precious little gift you had for a much too short time. You are moving forward, and I'm sure Chai would want you to give a new lease on life to another in need.

I do agree with what others have said about making sure that your other kitty is adjusting well. We all know too well that many cats can stress very easily and don't like change. But if you feel, that when you are ready to bring home a new kitty, that Chilli is in a good place as well, I say, Go for it!!!

I'm so very sorry for your loss of Chai, she will always be loved, but never forgotten. RIP sweet Chai.
 

di and bob

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Yes, I agree. You are not ever replacing her, you are adding to her love. That we can move on at all is a tribute to what they left us, what they taught us. But life does goes on. It is ever revolving, ever moving forward because the past is what it is and cannot be changed, we only have one way to go. Like the saying...."Why does the sun go on shining, why does the moon shine above? Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when I lost my love".....But it doesn't end, although we feel like it, the world keeps going and us with it.....their time on earth may have ended, but to end ours too is the last thing they would want to happen. Through us, they live on.
 

MonaLyssa33

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I've gotten cats right after the death of one and then I've also waited 6 months to adopt again with others. It really is different for each person. I personally felt that waiting to adopt again was good for me because it gave me time to properly grieve. I did browse adoption sites in the months between, but I kept telling myself that I'll adopt someday soon, but I really just needed to grieve.
 

di and bob

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It is different for everyone, really. I needed the distraction from my grieving. I tend to dwell too much on grief and keep it going. Grief is normal and cleansing for the soul.There is all the time in the world to grieve, you never 'get over it'. But love is also forever and knows no limits. It fills that empty feeling and gives us purpose and meaning to go on. The heart and soul is capable of adding limitless additions! The past can never be changed, but the future is shaped by our decisions today.....
 

Maria Bayote

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It is different for everyone, really. I needed the distraction from my grieving. I tend to dwell too much on grief and keep it going. Grief is normal and cleansing for the soul.There is all the time in the world to grieve, you never 'get over it'. But love is also forever and knows no limits. It fills that empty feeling and gives us purpose and meaning to go on. The heart and soul is capable of adding limitless additions! The past can never be changed, but the future is shaped by our decisions today.....
That is what I was wondering. How in the world can we still survive the pain and grief after losing several pets and leaving behind holes in our hearts? How do we move on and love another animal with the same intensity as the previous ones? It really is amazing, love is. I remember my son when he lost his dog of 14 years. He told me he wouldn't be able to love another animal as much as he had loved our Genki which really saddened me to the core. Now he has 3 dogs and 1 cat, all he spoil to the max.
 

Tobermory

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I followed your journey with Chai and saw the love and dedication and patience...and humor...as you made her life better. Your writing about her was inspirational, both the socialization thread and the crossing the bridge thread. I think the fact that you’re going to be home for a couple of months may mean it’s a good time to bring in a new family member. You’ll have time to get the newbie settled and help Chilli through her own adjustment. You know better than I do how you feel at this moment, but it sounds as if your heart is telling you to do it!

I’ll just add...take two, they’re small. :)
 
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