Worried For My Cat

[Letta]

Hi,
I am worried about my Luna. She is a 10 month old (almost 11) kitten. She never has been the most cuddly cat and I am fine with that. I have written a post about it and I meant every word. She is not a lap cat but I love her like she is! However lately she has been even more physically distant than usual and she appears stressed. My bf never has accepted the way she is and will try everyday to put her on his lap, to pet her even when she does not want to. They don't really have much of a relationship, I am the one who takes care of her and she does not appreciate his constant tries to pet her. It has been like that for a while. But lately she just runs away at the sight of him and does not want to be in the same room than him. She hissed at him multiple time (to which he answered by hissing back :/) and seems overly aware of his movements. I gave her some hiding spots to feel safer and she is using it but still seems nervous. Things have been also a bit more tense between her and me. She does not come to cuddle to bed like she used to and does not want me to pet her when I come home (which were the times she was fine with cuddling). She seems to not tolerate much petting lately and haven't kneaded for 2 weeks now (she used to do it every night). She still follows me from room to room but the interactions are not what they used to be. She seems stressed most of the time and want her space but if I leave the room she meows and follows me. I did a health checkup and she is fine. So I am not sure what is causing this change of behavior: Is it growing up? Is it her personality? Or could it be stress related?
Causes of stress that I can think of are:
-My bf
-I have stopped working from home so I am gone way more than I used to
-I have a lot of personal problems lately so when I am home I am often more on emotional edge and might be less tender with her.

I am worried that she is unhappy and I don't know how to help her. We still play a LOT, so that's good but she really seems on edge most of the time. My bf will not change my behavior (tried many times) so I have to find another way to help her, any ideas? I already gave her hiding spots.
And because I am a silly human: do you think she can be mad at me for being away more? Is she going to forgive me? Or does she feel abandoned? Can we get back our relationship?

 

[ArtNJ]

I dunno if it is your BF or only your BF, but you should fix his interaction with the cat anyway. If you want to get a cat to let you pet it, you need to find places and/or times when the cat will allow it, then it builds from there. Like maybe the cat will allow it when sleepy, or when on a certain dresser, in a certain basket, stuff like that. Once you have a spot or two going, the cat may try out other times and places, and it may be easier to entice onto your lap. If you try to force a cat into your lap, and worse hold it still, that NEVER EVER works to build a relationship, and usually does the opposite. Being held down is stressful. The Harvey Weinstein approach is not a relationship builder The cat has to be the boss of the process...the most you can do to help it along is entice by calling or with treats, but patience and watching for cues is the key. I know its hard, my wife loves cats and she STILL picks up our younger cat that doesn't like it, and wonders why he likes me better. But its the only way.

 

[Letta]

I know that. But I fought with him constantly for the past 8 month about it! He will not change his way. Sometimes I wonder if he is partially responsible for her not liking being pet.. His attitude makes me sad and angry but I can't do a thing. I told him, got angry, showed him some texts about cat body language ect... he does NOT care. Won't change that. And believe me it breaks my heart to see her stress like that and to not be able to pet her a lot when I love her so much but....it's out of my control

 

[Shane Kent]

Cats don't like a change but they will adjust. She will forgive you for the changes you just need to be patient and try not to get stressed out around the cat.

From my own experiences with my cat Taz, I would strongly recommend you go through the articles on stress that are on this site. They helped me a lot. You can click or touch the article titles it will take you to the article.

You, Your Cat And Stress

Not getting stressed out around the cat has helped more than I thought it would. I take a step back, deep breathe and then address the cat very calmly.

Potential Stressors In Cats - The Ultimate Checklist

Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

And if you feel your BF is trying to discipline the cat get him to stop, take my word for it, it doesn't help. Trying to discipline a cat will only stress it out more.

Cats And Discipline Don't Mix

 

[verna davies]

It's obvious you are stressed about the situation and understandably so but your kitten is picking up on this. Try a different approach. Are you able to give her a room of her own where you ( and not your boyfriend) can go into every day and just talk quietly to her and try to interact by playing. Let her come to you, let her set the pace. Even sit and read out loud It sounds as if she is unsure of her place in the house and is picking up the hostility of your boyfriend. she needs reassuring and only you can do that. Just as a side issue, I had a lovely cuddly kitten but once I had him neutered he changed to bring indifferent towards me. Now at 14 months he is back to being cuddly and loves to sit on my lap so age could be a factor with yours too. Please give her your time and patience.

 

[Letta]

Thank you all for the answers. I will check all the articles. No I am not able to we leave in a 1 bedroom appartment. But you all right I need t destress, I just love her and want her to be happy but it's not helping anyone.

 

[Summercats]

Being hissed at and other aggressive behavior from your boyfriend is not helping. He is a human and he can change his behavior but for some reason he wants to bully a little cat.

 

[Elfilou]

"If you want to know what a man's like, judge him by how he treats his inferiors - not his equals."
quote by JK Rowling

A few years ago my best friend had a boyfriend (now ex) who was much the same way towards her cats and her dog. Those cats were as social as could be, but ran from him. That dog... oh my that dog was sweet as a button, ALWAYS happy! Never scared of people and despite his size he was a lap-dog. He bit the boyfriend. That's how much he eventually provoked him.

The sad thing is, no one was surprised. This dog did something completely out of the ordinary (he never did again) and still, because of who this guy was nobody was surprised. That is sad.

The things he did couldn't possibly be considered abuse though right? He held the animals down when they wouldn't let him pet them. He'd follow them around and cornered them so he could "force his love on them". Even while one of the cats was hissing in his arms, he continued his tight grip on this animal.

I would not allow my cat to be treated like that. Please find a way to make him stop. He is probably a really nice guy outside of how he treats your cat, but this is not acceptable.

Okay, now onto the rest - yes in my expierence we can definitely transfer over our stress and sadness to our pets. We, sometimes, at least project our feelings onto them. Your cat will adjust to your worktimes but you have to change how you feel inside of the home to being less stressed. Be nice to yourself. Relax. How? Only you know.

Lastly I suggest interactive play (with a fishing rod) at least once a day, and maybe feeding afterwards. This fills her basic need to hunt, catch, kill, eat and will leave her feeling fulfilled and relaxed afterwards. Her mental and physical needs will be met, which will make her a lot less stressed.

It's good that you're catching this early. Long-term stress can cause a lot of unpleasant behaviors like peeing inappropriately, constant hiding or aggression. You can fix this before any of that happens!

Good luck

 

[Letta]

Hi,
Yes I would like him to stop but he is not going as far as your best friend boyfriend. He lets her go when she wants to... but will try again 5 min later. i know it's bad trust me. I just have no idea how to make him stop.

For the play, I always think that play is one of the best way to help a cat. However I already play 2 hours a day with her ^^ and when I feel like it sometimes more. I don't think her stress can be due to a lack of hunt-catch-eat.

Yesterday I have tried to relax as soon as the stress was catching up with me and it somehow helped a bit. But we will see in the long run. It's just hard for me to see her stressed. I feel also very guilty I guess about my work and I project certain things. But it's hard when sometimes after leaving her I hear her cry while I wait for the elevator.

 

[Elfilou]

Hi,
Yes I would like him to stop but he is not going as far as your best friend boyfriend. He lets her go when she wants to... but will try again 5 min later. i know it's bad trust me. I just have no idea how to make him stop.

For the play, I always think that play is one of the best way to help a cat. However I already play 2 hours a day with her ^^ and when I feel like it sometimes more. I don't think her stress can be due to a lack of hunt-catch-eat.

Yesterday I have tried to relax as soon as the stress was catching up with me and it somehow helped a bit. But we will see in the long run. It's just hard for me to see her stressed. I feel also very guilty I guess about my work and I project certain things. But it's hard when sometimes after leaving her I hear her cry while I wait for the elevator.

I'm glad you play with her a lot! That is so sweet. And I am really happy that your boyfriend does have somewhat of boundaries.

I too have the tendency to project my feelings onto my cat. And as someone with considerable anxiety that's not a good thing. When I go through phases where I'm particularly stressed I will also think / project / that Elfie is, even though she might not be.

If your cat is playing two hours a day that is amazing! Her needs are being met and you're awesome, in my opinion, for providing that for her.

Perhaps try to watch an episode of "My Cat from Hell" with your boyfriend?! Who knows maybe his inner cat-lady comes out. Don't tell him that you're watching it so that he can learn about cat behavior - just act like you really want to watch it?

I hope your boyfriend is just desperately trying to be friends with your cat and doesn't know how to. How about you offer for your boyfriend to feed her once a day? That way, your boyfriend becomes a good presence in the cat's life. "OH maybe this guy isn't so bad, he gives me food." And it will give your BF a sense of responsibility. He'll also keep his hands off her probably and accept that mealtime is HER time to enjoy herself! It's something to try, maybe?

 

[Shane Kent]

Hi,
Yes I would like him to stop but he is not going as far as your best friend boyfriend. He lets her go when she wants to... but will try again 5 min later. i know it's bad trust me. I just have no idea how to make him stop.

For the play, I always think that play is one of the best way to help a cat. However I already play 2 hours a day with her ^^ and when I feel like it sometimes more. I don't think her stress can be due to a lack of hunt-catch-eat.

Yesterday I have tried to relax as soon as the stress was catching up with me and it somehow helped a bit. But we will see in the long run. It's just hard for me to see her stressed. I feel also very guilty I guess about my work and I project certain things. But it's hard when sometimes after leaving her I hear her cry while I wait for the elevator.

Best to find the right time to talk to your BF. A time when it won't be an argument but a request from you. You are better off not trying to tell him but ask him. More like a loving request that he take his time with the cat because you feel your changes in life have the cat a little stressed right now. I don't know your BF but I could only guess if he is approached in the right way he will do what you want.

As for the cat. If she is stressed because of changes in your schedule, which affects her schedule, the cat will adjust given time. I know it is easy to say don't get stressed out, I have been there. Just keep working on it and you and the cat can meet in the middle. You will get your relationship back.

 

[ArtNJ]

Some people just won't hear certain things from certain people. It isn't malicious I'm sure - rather your boyfriend may subconsciously dismiss what your saying "because your nutty for the cat" or something like that. So one idea is to get someone else to say something. I wonder if Jackson Galaxy has addressed this issue on his tv show, My Cat from Hell. Not that I can recall, but I haven't seen every episode and if we can find you something like that, it might help you. Failing that, you'll have to use a different approach from your normal, which he isn't hearing - like if you have been sweet while trying to educate, try some sarcastic wit. Like the next time you are watching a Harvey Weinstein story on the news with him say, "Geez, I can't understand why those women didn't fall in love with him after being forcibly held down by someone so much bigger. Forcibly shoving someone in your lap is just a good strategy to find love, right?"

Definitely not suggesting your bfriend is a bad person. Like I mentioned above, my wife is good with cats, but still has to pick up our little cat even though she knows he doesn't like it. When its an animal rejecting you, its easy to think the animal has an issue and much harder to realize your doing something wrong.

 

[Letta]

Thank you all for your answers It's great to feel supported. I will try to watch an episode with him. He is not a bad person not but he thinks yes that I am being unreasonable and he feels rejected. Tonight there was another incident where she was nervous of him for the entire evening. And when he came to close of where she was hiding she hissed at him and he hissed back. He then pick her up (gently but still) and put her out of the room. It makes me so sad to have this kinda of bad relation in my home. I hate seeing my normally confident kitten afraid and hiding. He is just stubborn like hell and I think it hurts him so much when she hisses that he feels compelled to answer . I hope that she knows that he will never hurt her and that even if he did I would defend her.

 

[Mer.kitten]

i dont mean any offense so please dont take it that way, but is it possible he is rough with her when youre not around? the level of fear you say she has kind of gives me red flags. its one thing for a cat to be annoyed by someone because they keep trying to force interaction, andfor the cat to keep its distance because of that. Its another thing for a cat to show actual fear and hiss at someone. It just sounds off-uour cat seems like its genuinely afraid of your boyfriend. Perhaps he loses patience with her when youre not around and tries to punish her. Hissing at her is no good, i dont care if she hissed at him. its immature and only makes the situation worse.

if its yourcat, i would simply put my foot down and say 'im asking you seriously to not pick up the cat again and try to force interaction. all the resesrch ive done online says that only makes it worse. please dont do it again." make it clear that its not something youre going to tolerate. the longer you let him bully and force her, the harder it will be to undo the damage he's causing.

 

[Mer.kitten]

also, shes a kitty-she has no way of "knowing" his intentions. all she knows is whathe does to her. she also doesnt know youd step in-her brain doesnt work that way. all she knows is ypu continue to be nice to her and he continues to not be. if you want her to feel safe you need to get him to stop this behaviour.

 

[verna davies]

I totally agree with Mer.kitten. You don't know what is happening when you are not there.
Could your boyfriend be jealous of the time and love you are giving to your cat and feels that the cat is becoming too important to you? This situation is not good for any of you stresswise. I know you would not want to do this, but do you think the kindest thing to do for your cat, who you obviously love, would be to find him a stress free loving home, maybe with a friend or relative where you could still see him. Please give it some though as the situation you are in now is obviously not working.

 

[ivyandnala]

What is your boyfriend trying to achieve? If he wants the cat to like him, he needs to start ignoring that cat asap. You need to sit him down and have a conversation about it. Not when it's happening (and nerves are stressed), but when you're both just hanging out. Ask him straight up if he wants the cat to like him? Then say, "she likes me because I don't force her to do anything. I don't pick her up, I don't hold her when she wants to get away, and I don't hiss at her. I respect her and I respond to what she's telling me. I think you know that you shouldn't be doing any of those things either, so why do you keep doing them?" Hear him out, but also say "It's stressful for me that you two aren't getting along, so can you please leave her alone unless she comes up to you first?"

Your boyfriends needs to listen to you. It's not an option and don't make it one. Regardless of the cat, he should respect your earnest wishes. That's basically relationship 101. If he's not respecting your wishes, then you need to have a bigger conversation with him about doing so. I.e., "It's important to me that you respect my wishes especially when I feel so strongly about something. Is that something you can do?"

Do you live together? If you don't live together, I honestly think you should ask him to stay away for at least a few days to let the cat destress. If you do live together, then is it possible to put the cat in a separate room, away from him where she feels safe. Then just tell him not to go in there because you're trying to let her calm down.

 

[Elfilou]

It's really sad that most people just do not know how to interact with cats. They treat cats like dogs, or treat them like they should be able to understand human feelings.

I am assuming that your BF is a good person, but just a person who needs to be educated about how to interact with cats.

I found this article that might help you. Please do give it a read. This one too suggests that the boyfriend should take the role of feeding meals.