Willy might have cancer / high-grade lymphoma Treatment thread

[cmshap]

There are some terrific people a person sometimes has the opportunity, sad or otherwise, to find.

I also received the simplest, but most helpful suggestion from another random internet person last night.

I was talking about how afraid I was about doing the physical things to Willy for this last act. Like the last time I physically put him into his carrier, put him into the car, drive him to the vet, unload him there, hold him while getting an injection... all scary things I will be doing to him in his last moments of consciousness.

This person said, to just say to myself, "I'm doing this to help him."

Such a simple thing, and I have already said this to myself today several times. It is comforting.

 

[artiemom]

((((Hugs)))). Glad your mom is going with you.

 

[cmshap]

you don't want their last day to be their worst day. It's better to say goodbye while they're still getting a little enjoyment out of life, are still able to respond to being petted and loved.

I just wanted to respond further to this in the hour before I take him in.

Yesterday was highly confusing at first, but also clarifying. Willy had what I feel was a rally period, showing his normal self for a few hours, before going into what has been his longest and most consistent sleep (he has gotten up to use the litter box or eat a bite of food, drink a sip of water, but always went right back to sleep).

Today, he has only been sleeping. He gave me a "hug" this morning at around 5:30am, while I was lying on the couch, still awake (I have been up all night). He came over from the chair (he can walk onto the coffee table from the chair, and then onto the couch), climbed on me, briefly kneaded on my stomach, then laid down on my chest while purring, and slept for about 10 minutes, before going back to the chair.

I did briefly sleep at some point, and he apparently got up to use the litter box while I was asleep, but otherwise has been just sleeping on the chair ever since.

He is clearly tired. I wouldn't say this is his worst day, because he is able to sleep, and he went to the bathroom, and he "hugged" me this morning, but it is probably a precursor to what would be his worst day if I don't bring him in now.

Like I said, the past 36 hours were confusing, but then clarifying. The rally point was a nice last hoorah of his old self, and a reminder for me of who he is, without the illness. But everything since has only cemented my resolve that he is ready.

 

[cmshap]

Update: Euthanasia

It is done, and Willy isn't suffering anymore.

I'm going to describe exactly what happened in detail, so if you feel this might be difficult to read, skip the rest of this post. There were some moments I was unhappy with, and it wasn't 100% peaceful, unfortunately. But I am overall relieved and feel I made the right decisions.

First of all, I arrived for the appointment on time, and they put me in a room with him right away. I brought in his favorite pillows, and put them on the counter. I let him out of the carrier, and placed him on the pillows.

Then I waited for almost 45 minutes for the vet to come in.

Willy was scared the whole time. He kept wanting to jump down onto the floor, and I was doing my best to block him from jumping off the counter, while allowing him space to walk around.

Then I tried sitting in a chair that was in the room, with the pillows on my lap, and I placed him on top. I gently guided him into laying down on the pillows... but he kept wanting to get up and jump off.

When 20 minutes had elapsed, I let him down on the floor to explore around, since he seemed badly to want to. He kept going to the door, however, wanting to escape.

So, I put him back on the counter, and let him navigate into a corner where he seemed most comfortable. Eventually, he settled down, and I was stroking him and talking to him in that spot for another 20-25 minutes. He was definitely still scared, occasionally shivering, and once or twice he tried standing up, but I gently held him down and kept petting him.

When the vet finally came in, I said I wanted this to begin as quickly as possible, because he was scared. She went through the procedure and I signed a form. She said he could stay in that corner where he was settled, and went to get the anesthetic.

In the meantime, I took his two favorite pillows, and placed them underneath him in his corner spot, and he easily settled down on them (making me glad I brought them). The vet came back in, and administered the first shot quickly. She said that most cats quickly fall asleep within 1-5 minutes, and would check on us in 5 minutes.

I rolled up a stool to the edge of the counter so I could meet him at eye level, and I just kept petting him while looking in his eyes and reassuring him. He gradually got more and more tired, eventually resting his chin on the edge of the pillows. His eyes narrowed slightly but stayed open, and he remained awake... occasionally, he would look from side to side, and his pupils were moving. His breathing was a little more labored.

The vet came back in after 6-7 minutes, and also observed that he was still not fully sedated. So she went and got another shot (I'm sorry, I didn't ask what the drugs used were) that was "something extra that should make him sleep." She came back in and administered that quickly, then left us alone again.

This is where things got a little rough for us. He rather quickly began breathing harder and drooping his head, and drooling. But I could tell he was falling asleep and definitely becoming more sedated. His head gradually drooped more and more off the edge of the pillows, and his nose slowly inched towards the countertop. I was worried his nose was going to press against the countertop, where there was also a small pool of drool, and become unable to breathe.

I placed my hand under his chin to lift his head up, and as soon as I did, he started retching and vomited a little foam onto the pillow. As he was doing so, he tried standing up but couldn't lift up his body, so he flopped over on his side off the pillows -- but I caught him so he didn't fall hard. I hit the emergency call button that I was given.

He was now lying on his side, off the pillows, and his legs were stiff, pointing straight out from his body. He was beginning to retch again, and I didn't know what to do. She quickly came back in and positioned him upright so he could get out a little more foam, then laid him on his side on a blanket she had prepared.

He was very sedated at this point, although his eyes were still open. She was feeling his pulse (I think), feeling the areas above his feet, and listening to his breathing. He began to retch again, and she once again positioned him upright, and he vomited another tiny amount of foam, then laid him back down on his side. She told me that he was so heavily sedated, he probably doesn't even know he was vomiting.

He had finally reached the point where the vet was positive he was sedated enough for the next step.

I opted to let her take him, wrapped in a blanket into the back to finish the procedure. I was with him during his last moments of consciousness, and I had my hands on him the whole time, and talked to him the whole time, and looked in his eyes as long as I could. I am not a spiritual person, and did not feel the need to be with him during the rest, as he was unconscious.

Overall, I am most upset at the 45 minutes of waiting while trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to sooth a very scared Willy. I would never have brought him in that early if I knew I was going to wait AT ALL. If I ever go through this again, I am going to call right before I plan to leave, and ask for reassurance that I will be seen as soon as I arrive.

Secondly, I am obviously upset about Willy's reaction to the second anesthetic, and how his final moments may have been in distress. I don't know how much of that he was conscious of, but it wasn't how I wanted him to go. It was so nice just before that, when I was looking into his eyes as he was gradually closing them and falling asleep... but then there was the rest of it.

I understand that cats can have reactions to medications. But I wonder if it would have been more appropriate to just give him more time after the first anesthetic shot. I am not a vet, so I don't know. And I also don't know what the second shot was.

I do think my vet is a very good vet, and as I've said, she is a cat specialist. I am just always going to wonder about if this could have gone better. But I am not having any regrets. All I can do is learn from this, and make sure to ask more questions next time, whenever the next time may come.

I know that it is customary to lock these threads after a pet's passing. But I want to add a final post about the medical stuff, with my final thoughts about treatment and add some more details, to continue the main purpose of this thread. I will do so soon.

After that, I plan to eulogize Willy in a Rainbow Bridge posts, with lots of pictures, which will come sometime later.

 

[Mac and Cats]

I'm very sorry for your loss. You did the best you could for Willy. I'm wishing you comfort.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I'm so sorry it was a harder passing than it might have been - especially, as you said, that they kept you waiting so long. But you made the last, usually hardest choice for his welfare, and now he is free (and probably ripping up a whole tree's worth of paper across the Bridge).

Love to you both.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

I didn't post much on this thread, but read every single word, and right now I have tears rolling down my face. I am so very sorry for your loss of dear Willy. You did so much for him, loved him so much, as he loved you. Your pain now begins (or gets worse) as his has ended, which shows just how deeply you loved him, to give him this greatest gift of all.

I lost my own soul cat to a chronic disease, and when he let me know he was ready to go, it was almost a relief, even though I never begrudged one moment of the time it took taking care of him. It was the uncertainly of not knowing how he really felt that was getting to me. I know you know what that's like.

May you find peace in knowing you did the right thing

 

[iPappy]

I am so sorry that this is how it all came to be, and I'm very sorry that you had to wait 45 minutes. That would have upset me too. The retching could have been a reaction, or, perhaps Willy was far sicker than he was letting on.
cmshap not only did you go WELL above and beyond for Willy, you have documented every step of his treatment in this thread. I absolutely know that it will help others. Even if the posters who see this thread in the future aren't dealing with the exact type of cancer, seeing you post about the ups and downs in dealing with a terminally ill pet will give them the knowledge that they are not alone. The feelings of happiness when he was doing well and the feelings of stress and anxiety when he wasn't will resonate with many. I know it resonated with me, and I remembered so many emotions reading through your posts that I too experienced. I admire your open willingness in sharing all of this with us.
I said awhile back that I was emotionally invested in this thread, and I stand by that. While I certainly wasn't bonded to Willy in any way like you were and would never pretend to be, through your stories and the photos you've shared over the past several months, I grew quite "attached" to him.
The streamer who dedicated the video game run to Willy is absolutely awesome. I still play games I grew up playing (80's and early 90's games) and I was interested to find out that some of those games have been proven to help people process things after big life events. I've noticed that after losses, I tend to play them a lot more than usual.
I wish you all the peace in this. You did so much for him, and helped him over before things got so bad that his quality of life was gone. Every cat should be so loved.

 

[cmshap]

Thanks everyone for your loving replies. Every single response I am receiving is helpful, and I appreciate you all.

I am working on getting Willy's COMPLETE medical records from my vet, including those from today's euthanization appointment. I need to know exactly which drugs were administered, so I can post what they were, given that he had a reaction to one. I just want to provide all the details (and I want to know, for the future).

I am also working on redacting personal info from Willy's oncology records, so I can post them here, which will show all the numbers and names of drugs that coincide with my posts I have written along the way.

And, I just started this post about my unused dry food. I have nearly full bags of expensive foods that I bought shortly before Willy's major decline. I really will feel terrible just throwing it away. If you have any ideas, please reply there.

 

[cmshap]

Before I forget, I wanted to mention this...

During chemotherapy, I was repeatedly warned about the poisonous drugs being released through a cat's urine and feces in the immediate weeks after each treatment. And I wore gloves and a mask whenever scooping/changing litter during that period.

(I explained all of this after the "First chemotherapy appointment" link in this thread's table of contents.)

But what I wanted to post here, now, is that I am completely throwing out Willy's litter box, the Litter Genie, and the litter mats I kept under the box/Genie.

All are several years old, anyway, but if I get another cat some day, I am going to want to use a brand new box, mats, and everything.

I am concerned about chemicals having potentially leeched into the plastic, etc. of the old ones during the past 4 months of treatment.

Besides, I seriously don't feel like cleaning these items at all after just losing my cat. I'd rather buy brand new ones whenever the day comes.

 

[Kwik]

My deepest sympathy,Rest in Peace little Willy,never forgotten

I wish I had some beautiful word to write for you but no words could express how truly sorry I am that Willy has passed- my Condolences

With love and heartfelt sympathy' Kwik

 

[artiemom]

My deepest, soul reaching condolences.. ((hugs)). The waiting of 45 minutes must have been torture. and the experience after the second shot.. omg.. But you did this for Willy's sake, he is not suffering anymore.

Do not have any doubts. You went way above and beyond, trying to take the best care of Willy...
Just try to remember that.. so so so sorry...

FYI, Some rescues will take the supplies from you.. Contact them.

It is going to be hard to do, but try to be good to yourself...

 

[tarasgirl06]

Update: Euthanasia

It is done, and Willy isn't suffering anymore.

I'm going to describe exactly what happened in detail, so if you feel this might be difficult to read, skip the rest of this post. There were some moments I was unhappy with, and it wasn't 100% peaceful, unfortunately. But I am overall relieved and feel I made the right decisions.

First of all, I arrived for the appointment on time, and they put me in a room with him right away. I brought in his favorite pillows, and put them on the counter. I let him out of the carrier, and placed him on the pillows.

Then I waited for almost 45 minutes for the vet to come in.

Willy was scared the whole time. He kept wanting to jump down onto the floor, and I was doing my best to block him from jumping off the counter, while allowing him space to walk around.

Then I tried sitting in a chair that was in the room, with the pillows on my lap, and I placed him on top. I gently guided him into laying down on the pillows... but he kept wanting to get up and jump off.

When 20 minutes had elapsed, I let him down on the floor to explore around, since he seemed badly to want to. He kept going to the door, however, wanting to escape.

So, I put him back on the counter, and let him navigate into a corner where he seemed most comfortable. Eventually, he settled down, and I was stroking him and talking to him in that spot for another 20-25 minutes. He was definitely still scared, occasionally shivering, and once or twice he tried standing up, but I gently held him down and kept petting him.

When the vet finally came in, I said I wanted this to begin as quickly as possible, because he was scared. She went through the procedure and I signed a form. She said he could stay in that corner where he was settled, and went to get the anesthetic.

In the meantime, I took his two favorite pillows, and placed them underneath him in his corner spot, and he easily settled down on them (making me glad I brought them). The vet came back in, and administered the first shot quickly. She said that most cats quickly fall asleep within 1-5 minutes, and would check on us in 5 minutes.

I rolled up a stool to the edge of the counter so I could meet him at eye level, and I just kept petting him while looking in his eyes and reassuring him. He gradually got more and more tired, eventually resting his chin on the edge of the pillows. His eyes narrowed slightly but stayed open, and he remained awake... occasionally, he would look from side to side, and his pupils were moving. His breathing was a little more labored.

The vet came back in after 6-7 minutes, and also observed that he was still not fully sedated. So she went and got another shot (I'm sorry, I didn't ask what the drugs used were) that was "something extra that should make him sleep." She came back in and administered that quickly, then left us alone again.

This is where things got a little rough for us. He rather quickly began breathing harder and drooping his head, and drooling. But I could tell he was falling asleep and definitely becoming more sedated. His head gradually drooped more and more off the edge of the pillows, and his nose slowly inched towards the countertop. I was worried his nose was going to press against the countertop, where there was also a small pool of drool, and become unable to breathe.

I placed my hand under his chin to lift his head up, and as soon as I did, he started retching and vomited a little foam onto the pillow. As he was doing so, he tried standing up but couldn't lift up his body, so he flopped over on his side off the pillows -- but I caught him so he didn't fall hard. I hit the emergency call button that I was given.

He was now lying on his side, off the pillows, and his legs were stiff, pointing straight out from his body. He was beginning to retch again, and I didn't know what to do. She quickly came back in and positioned him upright so he could get out a little more foam, then laid him on his side on a blanket she had prepared.

He was very sedated at this point, although his eyes were still open. She was feeling his pulse (I think), feeling the areas above his feet, and listening to his breathing. He began to retch again, and she once again positioned him upright, and he vomited another tiny amount of foam, then laid him back down on his side. She told me that he was so heavily sedated, he probably doesn't even know he was vomiting.

He had finally reached the point where the vet was positive he was sedated enough for the next step.

I opted to let her take him, wrapped in a blanket into the back to finish the procedure. I was with him during his last moments of consciousness, and I had my hands on him the whole time, and talked to him the whole time, and looked in his eyes as long as I could. I am not a spiritual person, and did not feel the need to be with him during the rest, as he was unconscious.

Overall, I am most upset at the 45 minutes of waiting while trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to sooth a very scared Willy. I would never have brought him in that early if I knew I was going to wait AT ALL. If I ever go through this again, I am going to call right before I plan to leave, and ask for reassurance that I will be seen as soon as I arrive.

Secondly, I am obviously upset about Willy's reaction to the second anesthetic, and how his final moments may have been in distress. I don't know how much of that he was conscious of, but it wasn't how I wanted him to go. It was so nice just before that, when I was looking into his eyes as he was gradually closing them and falling asleep... but then there was the rest of it.

I understand that cats can have reactions to medications. But I wonder if it would have been more appropriate to just give him more time after the first anesthetic shot. I am not a vet, so I don't know. And I also don't know what the second shot was.

I do think my vet is a very good vet, and as I've said, she is a cat specialist. I am just always going to wonder about if this could have gone better. But I am not having any regrets. All I can do is learn from this, and make sure to ask more questions next time, whenever the next time may come.

I know that it is customary to lock these threads after a pet's passing. But I want to add a final post about the medical stuff, with my final thoughts about treatment and add some more details, to continue the main purpose of this thread. I will do so soon.

After that, I plan to eulogize Willy in a Rainbow Bridge posts, with lots of pictures, which will come sometime later.

Words are trite and I have none beyond that my heartfelt condolences go out to you for the loss of your dearest friend Willy. May you know he is free of all pain and that he is watching over you always. You WILL be reunited in due time. No matter your ideology or lack thereof, it will happen.
I'll save any comments about the waiting and the "event" as they would not be constructive. Willy is beyond all of that now. You are not, and you will work through this, as you will with deciding what to do in the future, at another time. As for the food, artiemom 's suggestion to donate it to a rescue is an excellent one.
To say "I am so very sorry" does little. But I am. Try not to dwell on the negative aspects. You are not guilty of anything and others' ineptitude could not possibly have been known by you beforehand.
Rest peacefully, beloved Willy. FOREVER LOVED.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Update: 19 days post-chemo (4th dose)...

I scheduled an appointment for 1pm today, which is in 2 hours from now. Which means I need to get going in about 1 hour 40 minutes.

I'm honestly terrified of this, but I know it's something I have to do. My mom is going with me, and offered to take him in by herself, and I said no. That sounds tempting now to avoid the situation entirely, but I would just regret it after. Plus I'd be dumping it all on my mom.

A family member suggested bringing in a favorite blanket or something, and I thought I will bring in the pillows on top of the chair where he's been doing almost all of his sleeping over the past few months. Maybe it will be comforting, maybe it won't, but the option will be there.

Anyway, the rest of this post is just a funny, heartwarming story about something that happened last night...

One of my casual hobbies is video games. Last night, while staying up all night with Willy, I was browsing the Twitch website. I was randomly going into different content creators' chatrooms and watching whatever they were live-streaming. This was maybe 3-4am at the time.

I went into one streamer's chatroom (had never seen him before), and he was playing the game Super Metroid, a game that I played as a kid on Super NES. He was speedrunning the game, trying repeatedly to achieve the shortest time in beating the game. The world record (yes, people keep track of these things, and there is a whole community based around speedrunning) is something like 40 minutes. I joined in when he was in the middle of an individual run of the game.

The very first thing I heard him say, talking while playing, was to recite some quote he just saw online, which was something like "to some people, their pet is their life... but to all pets, their person is their whole life." And went on to describe how beautiful he found that, as a pet will live its whole life during only a fraction of ours, and is totally dependent on us.

I typed in the chatroom that I was literally euthanizing my cat tomorrow, and this was the first thing I heard him say when I joined the stream. He asked me what was my cat's name, how old he was, etc. I continued to watch and chat with him and the few other people in the room at that hour. He said that without knowing me, he could tell I loved Willy and gave him a great life, if I was staying up all night with him during his last night.

He finished that run of the game in 42 minutes (which is actually an impressive achievement) and at the end he dedicated it to Willy. That was just kind of a funny coincidental thing that made me feel good when I needed it.

Just reading this post and because of it, I invite you to check out KUSC.org>streams>ARCADE and/or >THE GREAT ESCAPE if you feel you want/need some music. The first is music from video games, including classical; the other is calming, serene music from all over.

 

[cmshap]

I made another request today for Willy's complete medical records (the general vet's records, not oncology), and I was told that my vet is not finished writing them yet.

The only new component that will appear on the records since the last time I got them will be the euthanasia appointment yesterday.

The main thing I am interested in is to see exactly which drugs were used, given that Willy had the reaction that he did. It was kind of traumatic to watch in his last moments... I am having trouble getting the image out of my mind.

My intent is to provide the information so that if anyone happens to read this who is in a similar situation in the future, they can at least ask questions prior to the procedure. I really would have liked to know that the second sedative given carries a risk of vomiting (I wasn't told that until it was already happening)... I would have asked my vet to stay in the room if I knew. Or maybe asked to just give the first sedative more time.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I made another request today for Willy's complete medical records (the general vet's records, not oncology), and I was told that my vet is not finished writing them yet.

The only new component that will appear on the records since the last time I got them will be the euthanasia appointment yesterday.

The main thing I am interested in is to see exactly which drugs were used, given that Willy had the reaction that he did. It was kind of traumatic to watch in his last moments... I am having trouble getting the image out of my mind.

My intent is to provide the information so that if anyone happens to read this who is in a similar situation in the future, they can at least ask questions prior to the procedure. I really would have liked to know that the second sedative given carries a risk of vomiting (I wasn't told that until it was already happening)... I would have asked my vet to stay in the room if I knew. Or maybe asked to just give the first sedative more time.

I am so sorry this happened. My comments would not be printable here. But I thank you for caring about other cats and their guardians in this time of distress. You are doing a great service to them and I hope you receive the information quickly.

 

[fionasmom]

I am so sorry for your loss of Willy. As others have said, you fought the good fight for him from the beginning. You could not have been more vigilant, attentive, and open to all medical interventions. You have nothing to regret in any course of action that you chose for him.

Certain pre-euthanasia sedative and euthanasia drugs can cause physical reactions and the vet should have warned you and should have told you if there would be a long delay. I am sorry that you were treated this way.

 

[tarasgirl06]

With my loved ones, both vet-assisted and natural, it has varied from completely silent and peaceful to a single vocalization to a sharp outtake of breath to something I cannot explain but I was kneeling above one of my loved ones when she passed naturally, and I FELT her soul go upwards into me. Where it went from there, I do not know; and I can't describe it except that it was physical, not imagined. There will be those who feel I may have wanted a sign so I imagined one. This was definitely not that.

 

[cmshap]

I can't describe it except that it was physical, not imagined. There will be those who feel I may have wanted a sign so I imagined one. This was definitely not that.

I'll never have an opinion on what someone else experienced. But for me, I declined to witness the moment of death, because I personally did not believe I or Willy would experience anything at that point.

I just wanted to be present for all of his final moments of consciousness, so I wanted to be there until the sedation was complete and he was unconscious.

That's why those final moments of vomiting really bother me. The vet said "he's so sedated he probably doesn't even know what's happening," but there's no way any of us can know that. He sure looked in distress to me.

I am going to have to work on getting that image out of my mind, because obviously it's the lifetime of positive images that came before that is more important. But from what I can tell from reading other threads, having regrets at a pet's end-of-life is very common, and everyone has to work on letting them go.

On another note... I dont have the heart to clean up his last paper mess, yet.

 

[iPappy]

I'll never have an opinion on what someone else experienced. But for me, I declined to witness the moment of death, because I personally did not believe I or Willy would experience anything at that point.

I just wanted to be present for all of his final moments of consciousness, so I wanted to be there until the sedation was complete and he was unconscious.

That's why those final moments of vomiting really bother me. The vet said "he's so sedated he probably doesn't even know what's happening," but there's no way any of us can know that. He sure looked in distress to me.

I am going to have to work on getting that image out of my mind, because obviously it's the lifetime of positive images that came before that is more important. But from what I can tell from reading other threads, having regrets at a pet's end-of-life is very common, and everyone has to work on letting them go.

On another note... I dont have the heart to clean up his last paper mess, yet.

Whether or not you clean up his paper mess today or tomorrow, or later, you'll be very glad you took that photo. I have a picture of Tag's paw prints in the snow, his last snow ever. I took that picture on a whim and I am so happy I did.
I have a few images that took awhile to get out of my head, too, especially the natural (not exactly peaceful) passing of one of mine I should have, in hindsight, helped over the night before when we were at the vets. It's a difficult thing to forget. It's been over 8 years and sometimes it still bothers me. The worst was always at night when it was time to go to sleep. Those losses want to replay over and over and over again. I've learned that I can firmly tell my thoughts "not tonight, we're thinking about something else now" and force my brain to change gears, at least for awhile. I'll think of anything else I can that relaxes me, and while this doesn't work 100% of the time, I do find it helps.
One of my friends is someone a bit older than I, and I've known her since I was a pre-teen. I always liked her because she never spoke down to me, even at a young age. We have discussed the loss of dogs, cats, and horses many times over the years. She said something to me years ago that has stuck with me ever since: "How can you compare an hour of hell to a long, happy life?"