The "what's On Your Mind?" Thread -2021

[Graceful-Lily]

Rats messing up my garden now... I can't catch a break. I feel like giving up on this.

 

[game misconduct]

kinda wish i had the life of a pond turtle if i am gonna sweat in this heat i rather be in warm water

 

[Bubblesmom2014]

The weather around here has been awful lately. I’d love to spend some time in my pool but it’s been raining almost every day for two weeks now. And it’s not helping me be able to catch my cat!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I'm kinda looking forward to going back to Chattanooga now. It will be awhile. I absolutely will NOT leave my medical team until I get as good as I'm going to get. They are GREAT, and I will not change those horses in the middle of the stream! However, all this talk about growing vegetables has got me hankering to get the move done. Even if I end up back in an apartment, there is an EXCELLENT farmer's market in Chattanooga! I can buy by the bushel for next to nothing, bring home picked-that-day fruits and veggies, and can and freeze them myself.

 

[CatladyJan]

Still no luck catching bubbles. Going on 7 weeks now. It is driving me crazy that she’s not coming out during the day time so I can try to catch her. I’m leaving cooked chicken under the drop traps for her but she hasn’t really been out lately. Last night she was spotted on camera for about 8 minutes then she was gone again.
I wish I understood why she’s avoiding the traps.

. She needs to be hungry, cover the trap, stay out of sight and figure out what her feeding time of day is.

 

[CatladyJan]

I’ve been extremely overwhelmed and stressed the past few months. I was getting crabby and a bad attitude etc…. I quit my part-time job (last day was Sunday). I feel so much stress off of me and I’m able to get out in the sun and do my gardening.

 

[strider rose]

im hoping that the day is a good one and that i dont hurt as bad as i did yesterday

 

[MoonstoneWolf]

Writing this to send to Alz. org. Many of you know my situation and while Alzheimers is addressed and lot of research, I really don't see a lot about the emotional well being of those who care for their loved ones. I plan to edit but here's the gist. As many of you know my mother is difficult. And there are days, like today I wake up in tears thinking to myself I can't do this anymore. So here's the article due for an edit.



"I'm not writing this for pity or attention. I'm writing this so that those who are not going through this situation can better understand what a caregiver goes through. This is my perspective and while a lot of caregivers go through the same thing, this is from the perspective of a caregiver who has no one to help. Hopefully awareness of this will be better addressed by the time those who are now young reach my age and beyond. So here goes.

I know that I panic a lot and maybe a lot of it is unfounded but so many people do not understand that my circumstances are different because of the type of mother I'm helping and caring for. While we all have our good days and bad days, most of you can go to the store, go for a walk or meet with someone at the local coffee shop without worrying that your elderly parent will fall while you're not home. Sadly I do not have that luxury. My day starts with a dread of what is she going to scream and complain about today? Is she going to be happy or angry? Is this the day she's going to do something to the cats and me or is she going to be mellow and laid back? If she struggles with something is she going to to hit me with a cane because of my offering of help or call the police? Is she going to get violent if I just pitch in and start helping instead of graciously accepting the help. And then when she runs me off is she going to think of a million complaints about how I don't help her? And don't forget the times we go out to get her hair done and she tells others that she can't get me to help around the house yet every time I do she runs me off. And for those who do struggle with this then most have a brother, sister or another relative that can pitch in and assist with the care of loved one, in my case my mother.

You see I have no one else to turn to. I have no brother or sister. I have cousins but they live too far away to be of any assistance. The one relative I have is not her blood relation so his hands are tied although he has tried. I don't even have a close friend that would call and say "Hey, how about I pick up some coffee and we can sit outside in your back yard and chat so you can have a break?" or "Hey I don't have time to come over but how about a quick zoom while having lunch" sort of thing. This is not just a pandemic thing, it started all these years ago.


So what options do I have when things go south? I sit and brood. I text or pm non stop the people that still talk to me, possibly to the point that they being to avoid me. I can't leave the house to go to a coffee shop or leave for a walk because Mom may fall and hurt herself. I can go outside but I have to be in earshot of her if she needs me. I can't call a doctor, nurse or any other kind of help because she calls police to have person removed. If I run an errand for her she counts the minutes and if I'm as much as 2 minutes late she's on the phone with state troopers claiming something happened to me or she stands at door with cand in hand screaming that it takes 10 minutes to drive to store, 15 minutes to pick up items, possibly 10 more in check and 10 more coming home and it is now 50 minutes since I left and came home. She never makes allowances for traffic or other circumstances. If I do any kind of yard work in the yard, she goes to window and stares out at me finding something to complain about. If I get on the phone to talk she comes to top of basement steps to listen. She has to inspect any packages I get delivered from Amazon or Instacart to make sure I'm not up to something. I suppose when she gets abusive I could call the police, but what happens if she isn't having an episode while under their watch and released. She'll just come back home and be more abusive.

I'm plotting against her. I want her in Assisted Living so that I can get the house and move all the cats (meaning Treasure and Sopdet) inside. I'm cluttering up her yard and lowering the value of the house by placing one winter shelter in an area that no one can see and can easily be put into the car if someone came over. If I place a security cam anywhere, she throws holy tantrums that these devices are evil and satanic and lure people to your home and then home invasion and robbery. If I get any kind of correspondence from the bank I must be in trouble and the police are on their way to arrest me. She wants the help and she doesn't want the help. But the only thing that I can do is sit and cry. Sure I can go outside and talk to the cats and I'm sure that in their way they try to help but I can't understand the advice they may be giving me. Any emergency vehicle is quickly chased off as "she doesn't want anyone to intervene". And while she shows signs of early dementia she refuses to even go for a regular checkup let alone an evaluation of whether she is going into Alzheimers or not. She can still balance a checkbook perfectly but she can't comprehend what was just said on the news. She can hear me on the phone downstairs but she has to turn the tv up full volume in order to hear that. She needs a walker to get around outside but yet can go into the stairwell outside the basement with just a cane. Every day she gets more frail. Mom will be 98 years old on September 5th 2021.

So while I know I'm not alone in this situation there are some things those of you who are not faced with can do to help. First and foremost please do not assume that because many of us have our aged parents and pets, that cannot substitute for a one on one conversation with a friend on the phone, zoom or in person. Many caregivers are overwhelmed and feel alone. We need a support system. We need people and friends who will offer to stop by with lunch or some coffee just for a chat. We need someone to call or zoom us with a "Hey how are things going? I was thinking about you." To a caregiver caring for an aged loved one is stressful and lonely. Little things turn into mountains. We're tired, exhausted, we give up our lives for our loved ones because they did so when we were babies and children. Our minds get weary and we have brain fog. Our emotions run high and low. We make mistakes. And we reach out for some kind of communication with the outside world and find none because others are fearful of the changes going on. The once strong person they knew is now weak and frail. The woman who could run circles around you is now unable to do for herself. The once sharp minded bank executive can barely add 2 and 2 without help, if at all. The changes are so overwhelming to outsiders as well as the caregivers. And we're torn between a sense of wanting them to move on so they can find peace and be free of pain and then guilt of having such thoughts. Our sanity, our social life is also at stake or we will be no good to the ones that we are trying to care for. What happens then to us as a society.

So if I seem overly needy and in need of a talk please try to understand where I'm coming from. If I sit and cry over the slightest thing, try to understand that I'm seeing someone nearing the end of their life and a guilt that I hope they find peace soon. I hope this makes sense. But sometimes we caregivers feel very much alone. We need someone to reach out to us as well. This can be totally overwhelming for many."

 

[susanm9006]

Feeling relieved because the new kid is finally starting to eat full meals instead of just an occasional nibble.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Rats messing up my garden now... I can't catch a break. I feel like giving up on this.

What are they doing? I was reading how some critters get more into gardens when it's intensely hot because they are looking for a source of water. If you leave like saucers of water out they will go there and leave gardens alone. Like tomatoes and veggies can provide water as much as food to them.

 

[MoonstoneWolf]

Overheated and on verge of heat stroke because of demented woman here. She's standing over me with cane and hid or destroyed all phones so I can't even call for help. Feral Society on standby with traps in the event something really goes so south the neighbors here. And I fear it's only moments away

 

[Graceful-Lily]

What are they doing? I was reading how some critters get more into gardens when it's intensely hot because they are looking for a source of water. If you leave like saucers of water out they will go there and leave gardens alone. Like tomatoes and veggies can provide water as much as food to them.

They are trying to get into my compost bin. They have been digging around it and chewing up the vents. It's made of plastic so I'm afraid they'll get through eventually if they haven't already. That and just walking through my garden in general. I don't want them to spread any diseases because I plan to eat what I grow.

 

[Katie M]

Overheated and on verge of heat stroke because of demented woman here. She's standing over me with cane and hid or destroyed all phones so I can't even call for help. Feral Society on standby with traps in the event something really goes so south the neighbors here. And I fear it's only moments away

I know she's your mother, but I'm of the opinion that children owe nothing to abusive parents. You don't owe this woman anything.

 

[artiemom]

Writing this to send to Alz. org. Many of you know my situation and while Alzheimers is addressed and lot of research, I really don't see a lot about the emotional well being of those who care for their loved ones. I plan to edit but here's the gist. As many of you know my mother is difficult. And there are days, like today I wake up in tears thinking to myself I can't do this anymore. So here's the article due for an edit.



"I'm not writing this for pity or attention. I'm writing this so that those who are not going through this situation can better understand what a caregiver goes through. This is my perspective and while a lot of caregivers go through the same thing, this is from the perspective of a caregiver who has no one to help. Hopefully awareness of this will be better addressed by the time those who are now young reach my age and beyond. So here goes.

I know that I panic a lot and maybe a lot of it is unfounded but so many people do not understand that my circumstances are different because of the type of mother I'm helping and caring for. While we all have our good days and bad days, most of you can go to the store, go for a walk or meet with someone at the local coffee shop without worrying that your elderly parent will fall while you're not home. Sadly I do not have that luxury. My day starts with a dread of what is she going to scream and complain about today? Is she going to be happy or angry? Is this the day she's going to do something to the cats and me or is she going to be mellow and laid back? If she struggles with something is she going to to hit me with a cane because of my offering of help or call the police? Is she going to get violent if I just pitch in and start helping instead of graciously accepting the help. And then when she runs me off is she going to think of a million complaints about how I don't help her? And don't forget the times we go out to get her hair done and she tells others that she can't get me to help around the house yet every time I do she runs me off. And for those who do struggle with this then most have a brother, sister or another relative that can pitch in and assist with the care of loved one, in my case my mother.

You see I have no one else to turn to. I have no brother or sister. I have cousins but they live too far away to be of any assistance. The one relative I have is not her blood relation so his hands are tied although he has tried. I don't even have a close friend that would call and say "Hey, how about I pick up some coffee and we can sit outside in your back yard and chat so you can have a break?" or "Hey I don't have time to come over but how about a quick zoom while having lunch" sort of thing. This is not just a pandemic thing, it started all these years ago.


So what options do I have when things go south? I sit and brood. I text or pm non stop the people that still talk to me, possibly to the point that they being to avoid me. I can't leave the house to go to a coffee shop or leave for a walk because Mom may fall and hurt herself. I can go outside but I have to be in earshot of her if she needs me. I can't call a doctor, nurse or any other kind of help because she calls police to have person removed. If I run an errand for her she counts the minutes and if I'm as much as 2 minutes late she's on the phone with state troopers claiming something happened to me or she stands at door with cand in hand screaming that it takes 10 minutes to drive to store, 15 minutes to pick up items, possibly 10 more in check and 10 more coming home and it is now 50 minutes since I left and came home. She never makes allowances for traffic or other circumstances. If I do any kind of yard work in the yard, she goes to window and stares out at me finding something to complain about. If I get on the phone to talk she comes to top of basement steps to listen. She has to inspect any packages I get delivered from Amazon or Instacart to make sure I'm not up to something. I suppose when she gets abusive I could call the police, but what happens if she isn't having an episode while under their watch and released. She'll just come back home and be more abusive.

I'm plotting against her. I want her in Assisted Living so that I can get the house and move all the cats (meaning Treasure and Sopdet) inside. I'm cluttering up her yard and lowering the value of the house by placing one winter shelter in an area that no one can see and can easily be put into the car if someone came over. If I place a security cam anywhere, she throws holy tantrums that these devices are evil and satanic and lure people to your home and then home invasion and robbery. If I get any kind of correspondence from the bank I must be in trouble and the police are on their way to arrest me. She wants the help and she doesn't want the help. But the only thing that I can do is sit and cry. Sure I can go outside and talk to the cats and I'm sure that in their way they try to help but I can't understand the advice they may be giving me. Any emergency vehicle is quickly chased off as "she doesn't want anyone to intervene". And while she shows signs of early dementia she refuses to even go for a regular checkup let alone an evaluation of whether she is going into Alzheimers or not. She can still balance a checkbook perfectly but she can't comprehend what was just said on the news. She can hear me on the phone downstairs but she has to turn the tv up full volume in order to hear that. She needs a walker to get around outside but yet can go into the stairwell outside the basement with just a cane. Every day she gets more frail. Mom will be 98 years old on September 5th 2021.

So while I know I'm not alone in this situation there are some things those of you who are not faced with can do to help. First and foremost please do not assume that because many of us have our aged parents and pets, that cannot substitute for a one on one conversation with a friend on the phone, zoom or in person. Many caregivers are overwhelmed and feel alone. We need a support system. We need people and friends who will offer to stop by with lunch or some coffee just for a chat. We need someone to call or zoom us with a "Hey how are things going? I was thinking about you." To a caregiver caring for an aged loved one is stressful and lonely. Little things turn into mountains. We're tired, exhausted, we give up our lives for our loved ones because they did so when we were babies and children. Our minds get weary and we have brain fog. Our emotions run high and low. We make mistakes. And we reach out for some kind of communication with the outside world and find none because others are fearful of the changes going on. The once strong person they knew is now weak and frail. The woman who could run circles around you is now unable to do for herself. The once sharp minded bank executive can barely add 2 and 2 without help, if at all. The changes are so overwhelming to outsiders as well as the caregivers. And we're torn between a sense of wanting them to move on so they can find peace and be free of pain and then guilt of having such thoughts. Our sanity, our social life is also at stake or we will be no good to the ones that we are trying to care for. What happens then to us as a society.

So if I seem overly needy and in need of a talk please try to understand where I'm coming from. If I sit and cry over the slightest thing, try to understand that I'm seeing someone nearing the end of their life and a guilt that I hope they find peace soon. I hope this makes sense. But sometimes we caregivers feel very much alone. We need someone to reach out to us as well. This can be totally overwhelming for many."

My opinion is that you need help. You need to find a social worker. Have your doctor refer you to one.

You can have Zoom appointments.

Social Workers have tons of resources at their disposal.
One can help you; so much better than anyone of us.

You need to take that giant step, and think of yourself. You have been going through this for long enough.

You need help. Emotional support. A social worker can provide that.

 

[MoonstoneWolf]

I know she's your mother, but I'm of the opinion that children owe nothing to abusive parents. You don't owe this woman anything.

Right but she wasn't this way before Alzheimers or dementia is what I keep saying on here.

 

[CatladyJan]

Writing this to send to Alz. org. Many of you know my situation and while Alzheimers is addressed and lot of research, I really don't see a lot about the emotional well being of those who care for their loved ones. I plan to edit but here's the gist. As many of you know my mother is difficult. And there are days, like today I wake up in tears thinking to myself I can't do this anymore. So here's the article due for an edit.



"I'm not writing this for pity or attention. I'm writing this so that those who are not going through this situation can better understand what a caregiver goes through. This is my perspective and while a lot of caregivers go through the same thing, this is from the perspective of a caregiver who has no one to help. Hopefully awareness of this will be better addressed by the time those who are now young reach my age and beyond. So here goes.

I know that I panic a lot and maybe a lot of it is unfounded but so many people do not understand that my circumstances are different because of the type of mother I'm helping and caring for. While we all have our good days and bad days, most of you can go to the store, go for a walk or meet with someone at the local coffee shop without worrying that your elderly parent will fall while you're not home. Sadly I do not have that luxury. My day starts with a dread of what is she going to scream and complain about today? Is she going to be happy or angry? Is this the day she's going to do something to the cats and me or is she going to be mellow and laid back? If she struggles with something is she going to to hit me with a cane because of my offering of help or call the police? Is she going to get violent if I just pitch in and start helping instead of graciously accepting the help. And then when she runs me off is she going to think of a million complaints about how I don't help her? And don't forget the times we go out to get her hair done and she tells others that she can't get me to help around the house yet every time I do she runs me off. And for those who do struggle with this then most have a brother, sister or another relative that can pitch in and assist with the care of loved one, in my case my mother.

You see I have no one else to turn to. I have no brother or sister. I have cousins but they live too far away to be of any assistance. The one relative I have is not her blood relation so his hands are tied although he has tried. I don't even have a close friend that would call and say "Hey, how about I pick up some coffee and we can sit outside in your back yard and chat so you can have a break?" or "Hey I don't have time to come over but how about a quick zoom while having lunch" sort of thing. This is not just a pandemic thing, it started all these years ago.


So what options do I have when things go south? I sit and brood. I text or pm non stop the people that still talk to me, possibly to the point that they being to avoid me. I can't leave the house to go to a coffee shop or leave for a walk because Mom may fall and hurt herself. I can go outside but I have to be in earshot of her if she needs me. I can't call a doctor, nurse or any other kind of help because she calls police to have person removed. If I run an errand for her she counts the minutes and if I'm as much as 2 minutes late she's on the phone with state troopers claiming something happened to me or she stands at door with cand in hand screaming that it takes 10 minutes to drive to store, 15 minutes to pick up items, possibly 10 more in check and 10 more coming home and it is now 50 minutes since I left and came home. She never makes allowances for traffic or other circumstances. If I do any kind of yard work in the yard, she goes to window and stares out at me finding something to complain about. If I get on the phone to talk she comes to top of basement steps to listen. She has to inspect any packages I get delivered from Amazon or Instacart to make sure I'm not up to something. I suppose when she gets abusive I could call the police, but what happens if she isn't having an episode while under their watch and released. She'll just come back home and be more abusive.

I'm plotting against her. I want her in Assisted Living so that I can get the house and move all the cats (meaning Treasure and Sopdet) inside. I'm cluttering up her yard and lowering the value of the house by placing one winter shelter in an area that no one can see and can easily be put into the car if someone came over. If I place a security cam anywhere, she throws holy tantrums that these devices are evil and satanic and lure people to your home and then home invasion and robbery. If I get any kind of correspondence from the bank I must be in trouble and the police are on their way to arrest me. She wants the help and she doesn't want the help. But the only thing that I can do is sit and cry. Sure I can go outside and talk to the cats and I'm sure that in their way they try to help but I can't understand the advice they may be giving me. Any emergency vehicle is quickly chased off as "she doesn't want anyone to intervene". And while she shows signs of early dementia she refuses to even go for a regular checkup let alone an evaluation of whether she is going into Alzheimers or not. She can still balance a checkbook perfectly but she can't comprehend what was just said on the news. She can hear me on the phone downstairs but she has to turn the tv up full volume in order to hear that. She needs a walker to get around outside but yet can go into the stairwell outside the basement with just a cane. Every day she gets more frail. Mom will be 98 years old on September 5th 2021.

So while I know I'm not alone in this situation there are some things those of you who are not faced with can do to help. First and foremost please do not assume that because many of us have our aged parents and pets, that cannot substitute for a one on one conversation with a friend on the phone, zoom or in person. Many caregivers are overwhelmed and feel alone. We need a support system. We need people and friends who will offer to stop by with lunch or some coffee just for a chat. We need someone to call or zoom us with a "Hey how are things going? I was thinking about you." To a caregiver caring for an aged loved one is stressful and lonely. Little things turn into mountains. We're tired, exhausted, we give up our lives for our loved ones because they did so when we were babies and children. Our minds get weary and we have brain fog. Our emotions run high and low. We make mistakes. And we reach out for some kind of communication with the outside world and find none because others are fearful of the changes going on. The once strong person they knew is now weak and frail. The woman who could run circles around you is now unable to do for herself. The once sharp minded bank executive can barely add 2 and 2 without help, if at all. The changes are so overwhelming to outsiders as well as the caregivers. And we're torn between a sense of wanting them to move on so they can find peace and be free of pain and then guilt of having such thoughts. Our sanity, our social life is also at stake or we will be no good to the ones that we are trying to care for. What happens then to us as a society.

So if I seem overly needy and in need of a talk please try to understand where I'm coming from. If I sit and cry over the slightest thing, try to understand that I'm seeing someone nearing the end of their life and a guilt that I hope they find peace soon. I hope this makes sense. But sometimes we caregivers feel very much alone. We need someone to reach out to us as well. This can be totally overwhelming for many."

. What is preventing you from putting her in a nursing home?

 

[MoonstoneWolf]

She has to be declared unfit to take care of herself. While I don't mind the physical aspects of caring for Mom the doctor has to evaluate her mind. Plus I don't have a doctor or the insurance myself at the moment to do so. I just started getting SSA and have 2 more months of paying off debt before I can do anything else. Since Mom calls the police on anyone who shows up there's not much I can do. She just called the police on my cousin who showed up and he was escorted out. You know she'll call the police on other people who come

 

[Willowy]

If someone is supposed to be there, like a social worker, the police should not "escort them out". If they do, maybe try filing a grievance with Internal Affairs.

 

[MoonstoneWolf]

And in the meantime while going through all the red tape I could be mistreated even more. My god she called the police on my cousin. Are you saying I lost all rights for visits from a cousin who came to help clean up the backyard so she shuts up? And our PD claims it's her house her rules. If she doesn't want anyone there then that's her choice. We don't even have a police department now due to defunding and corruption of our municipality. And the police department ours was outsourced to is under investigation for fraud and couldn't do a thing until August. Besides that, the original post was sharing something of an article to Alz. org. Because not everyone can just turn away from their parents. What if Mom and Dad threw me out of the house when I had measles or chickenpox as a kid.

Anyway sorry, as usual to have shared.

 

[Willowy]

Are you saying I lost all rights for visits from a cousin who came to help clean up the backyard so she shuts up?

Nope! That's why she shouldn't be getting away with it. You, as a tenant, also have rights (even if you don't pay rent you're legally a tenant). The police should not have escorted your cousin out either.

Of course, what you do is up to you. We're just saying you shouldn't have to put up with that.